Original subtitles

d Feels like you captured me

d Baby, this is how I feel

d Oh-oh

d Don't need the sun to shine to make me smile

d Don't care if it's dark outside cos I got you

d And though the rain may fall

d No, I won't care at all... d

(Door closes)

d I know that I got you

d Don't need the sun to shine to make me smile... d

- Hiya, Don. - Oh, God.

- How's you? - Er... Um, yeah, um... What are you...

- Sorry to be naked down here, Don. - Mm.

I found a couple of little lumps down there

Just giving them a little bit of air.

Er... They're just... lymph nodes, Jill.

I have got a little bit of natural cover though, Don.

Summer time, I'm shaved,

winter time I have an apostrophe or a comma, depending what you're up to.

(Whimpers)

I've had a lot of compliments in my time, Don,

cos I can open my mouth very wide...

...and then draw it in quite tight.

Do you want a little drinky?

(Groans)

There you go, Don.

(Jill moans ecstatically)

That's amazing, Don! Oh, my God, Don!

That's incredible, Don!

Oh, my God, Don. Oh, yeah! Yeah!

(Panting)

- Have you come, Don? Don? - (Snoring)

Don?

Don?

(d Hymn on radio)

Hiya, Cath.

I'm so sorry, Cathy.

Don attacked me during the night, Cath. It was horrific.

He was very backed up, Cath.

May I have a word, Mum?

- Morning, David. - (Mobile phone)

Bye.

David. Growing lad.

You bitch!

You've taken over my life.

You've abused me and undermined me

and tried to sleep with my husband and my son.

- You've dented our car. - That was David.

Get out of my house and don't ever come back.

- Who's poisoned you, Cath? - Get out.

(Sobbing)

(Stomping on stairs)

(Screaming)

(Sighs)

d There's just something about you... d

I mean, deep down, Don wants to leave her, be with me.

But he feels too guilty.

But I mean, the way he looks at me sometimes,

you could cut it with a knife.

Can be quite an angry look, but I mean...

that's just the fire of lust in his eyes.

I know Mummy says she doesn't want you to have a fringe,

but I think it will give you an added maturity, so you're having one, all right?

- There we are. Lovely. - Jill?

That was another cancellation.

Sorry. I thought you were an assailant.

(Trolley rattling)

- Good morning. - Morning.

Salaam Mohammed. Health and Safety.

Linda? Linda?

Dear God! I don't think that toilet can take much more, Linda.

- We'll have to call this off. - But I'm still...

There's a policeman here to see you and he is very angry.

- What's going to happen? - You will probably go to prison.

Will you stick up for me, Jill?

- What is this? - Just a kitten in a basket.

I meant the mess behind.

Oh, that's just Joy, Saddam. She is old. Very little to live for.

So here we are. Welcome to our humble abode. Mia casa, tua casa.

This is Linda, who manages the kettle and sweeps.

Linda's responsible for all the health and safety things.

That's a Harry Jones haircut.

- Toilet. - It comes straight into the kitchen?

We all love an en suite.

That's one of the reasons I bought the salon, actually.

Mrs Tyrell, there's a strong smell of sewage in here.

Joy does have a bag.

She lost her stomach on a swinging holiday in Dorset.

It will tend to waft through.

These towels - when were they washed?

- Linda? - July.

(Linda squeaks)

I'm making a pudding.

Linda... Linda!

I did a big blow-off earlier and something come out.

I'm sorry, Jill. I got worms.

Dennis give 'em me in Ibiza.

Linda, that was two years ago.

I know, but he's always fiddling with me.

Mrs Tyrell, given what I've already seen...

I should be shutting you down.

Saddam, we've all done it. Don't tell me when you're driving round inspecting,

you don't let a little brown bullet pop down the side of your trousers.

- I'm afraid I don't. - A bit nervous, bit angry.

We've all done it. I could do one now!

I'm sure you could. You'll be hearing from my office.

Can I just say, Joy will do anything for this salon.

Bear in mind she can remove her dentures.

- Urgh... - Do you want me to get off with Linda?

Doesn't the Hopperton Community look wonderful?

Mm.

Apparently, they have the highest rate of healings in East Anglia.

That's great.

There's a badgery, a weaving group...

psychic surgeon.

(Mumbling)

Apparently there are a lot of lesbians. Would that be a problem for you?

No.

No.

(Dog barking)

(Phone)

- (Answerphone bleeps) - Hiya, Cath. Hi, Don, It's Jill.

I know I'm not allowed to speak to you any more, but I've just shot myself.

Night.

(Doorbell)

Jill. Are you all right?

- Please don't look at me, Gordon. - Ooh. Oh, nasty. Did you fall?

- Cathy punched me, Gordon. - Oh.

I don't know if it was her illness making her lash out.

Well... I mean... was it a spasm? It could be involuntary.

No. She knew what she was doing, Gordon.

I think she uses it as an excuse sometimes - her muscular sclerosis.

- Multiple. - It's got worse, has it?

Oh... Come on.

- Can you manage? - No.

- I took an overdose last night, Gordon. - Oh.

I've just been up the hospital for a tum pump.

Oh, Jill. No.

Look... I know the funeral must be preying on your mind...

Mm.

...but beyond that, you've got so much to live for. You're young.

- Mid 20s. - Really?

Well, you're... you're a very handsome woman, Jill.

I know. I mean, I've done modelling.

People say, "Oh, modelling. Was it dirty?" Well, yeah, some of it was.

Cathy... She's paranoid, Gordon.

She's even accused me of trying to steal Don.

I mean, I can't help being attractive, Gordon.

I can't help Don loving me.

Well, with their move to Hopperton, you probably won't get a chance...

Don's moving to?

Yeah. Cathy wanted to make a fresh start in this religious community...

Oh... Ah...

- All right? - (Panting sobs)

- Sshh... - It's all right, Gordon. It's all right.

It's just the remnants of the overdose.

I took a lethal cocktail of drink and drugs.

Oh. What did you take?

Five blisters of paracetamol and a cup of tea.

Oh, no.

Sorry. Sorry to keep you waiting, darling.

Yes. Well, I'm now late for my class, so I'm quite hurt.

It's all in the note, Don.

Right. I'll get back to you on this.

Jill just rang to say she was going to hang herself.

- Oh... - Don't worry. I ignored it.

Um... But then Gordon rang

and I explained to him that you insisted on this ignoring Jill policy.

- You told Gordon? - Whatever.

He seemed a bit concerned as to where you were at as a Christian.

Thanks, Don.

Now I'm really late for my Deserve Yourself class.

Right. OK. Um... What is that exactly?

Finding one's confidence through jazz dance.

Do you know what, I'm cross. I'd rather drive myself.

It's obviously working then.

- Has she come in? - No, no.

She can't bear to see suffering.

- Bless her. - Yeah. She says it turns her stomach.

- Come on. Let's have a dance. - No, no.

- Come on. - No.

Come on... Come on!

(d Old-fashioned dance tune)

(d Thumping techno)

Jill. Lovely surprise. It's Glenn.

- What do you want, Glenn? - Nothing.

I've popped in here once or twice... daily... on the chance you might be in.

- You disappeared again. - Yeah. I had diarrhoea.

- Oh, God. Again? - Very badly.

Glenn, I'm really up against it, OK?

- I'm burying my husband tomorrow. - I'm sorry.

Shouldn't you be at work?

No. I don't have to work.

My parents were quite elderly when they had me. I'm an accident.

My mum was well past child-bearing age. In her latter 50s, in fact.

They do say at that age the baby will come out a little bit weird.

I'm one of the lucky ones.

Anyway, my mum and dad passed away about four years ago

and left me with the two houses and quite a lot of lolly so...

Oh! Goodness. Are you all right?

Oh, sorry, Glenn.

- I've been trying to fight it. - What?

- Being in love with you. - Oh, Jill.

Oh, Jill, my heart's singing. I wish you could hear it.

I can. Oh, Glenn. I've thought about nothing but you for weeks.

Glenn... I think I need to lie down.

- Right. - Is either of your two houses nearby?

(Glenn sighs)

- Please don't stop, Jill. - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- What is it? - I want to please you, but I'm scared.

- Am I too big? - Not at all, no.

I just feel scared and it's making my mouth feel like it's full of crisps.

- What's the matter? - I can't pay for Terry's funeral.

Um... Well, what if I were to pay for it as my gift to you, Jill?

Ooh! Ooh! (Whimpers)

- You stopped again. - I'm sorry.

I just keep thinking about poor Terry

and how much he'd have loved a disco and a buffet at his funeral.

- Could be quite pricey, Jill. - No... No.

My mouth feels like it's full of shards of glass. I don't think I can...

Have your disco and buffet, Jill.

(Ecstatic moaning)

I'll throw in some party hats as well.

Brains, hearts and all the bits and bobs.

That looks lovely. Thank you.

Um... Can you pop in a couple of chops while you're there?

- Yeah. - And perhaps a little sausage.

- I've got some big ones. - A little one will do for now, thank you.

You've got a little um...

- I love meat. - I do.

- Do you like meat loaf? - No.

That's ?5, please.

Shall we call it two?

- This can't be all. - He was very, very poorly.

At the end he was shrunk to nothing.

- I've never... - This is what the hospital gave me.

Just do the best you can, please.

- If there's nothing else to put in... - No.

He was hoping for an open casket so people could pay their last respects.

No.

That dog, he loved Terry.

Recognises him even now.

d Let the righteous sing come let the righteous dance

d Rejoice before your God be happy and joyful

d Give him your praise... d

Aaargh!

Jill!

- Are you OK? - Sorry, Cathy.

Sorry.

I had no idea it was your car, Cathy.

Jill.

I didn't want to make you a murderess on top of everything else.

I just wanted to slip away quietly.

Oh, Cath, if only I could turn back time.

I just feel like I've lost everything.

Lost my husband, my best friend... That's you, Cath.

I'll never have children.

- Really? - I don't like them, Cathy.

Oh.

Oh, Cath. I could just... I've got nothing left.

- I'm sure you have. - I haven't, Cathy.

I mean, name me one person - one person - that cares if I live or die.

Well... We'll be thinking of you at Terry's funeral, Jill.

Really, Cathy?

Would you come, Cathy?

You and Don.

Yes, Jill.

(Bell tolls)

- We are doing the right thing? - Yes.

(d Dramatic classical violins)

(Trumpet fanfare)

(d Plaintive choirboys)

(d The Pretenders: I'll Stand By You)

d Why you look so sad?

d The tears are in your eyes

d Come on and come to me now

d Don't be ashamed to cry

d Let me see you through

d Cos I've seen the dark side too

d When the night falls on you

d You don't know what to do

d Nothing you confess

d Could make me love you less

d I'll stand by you

d I'll stand by you

d Won't let nobody hurt you

d I'll stand by you

d So...

d If you're mad, get mad

d Don't hold it all inside

d Come on and talk to me now... d

All I do know, Terry would want me to say...

...is that today has caused...

...quite a whopping dent in my widow's pension.

I would have preferred to take him to the dump in a bin bag

and give the brunt of the money to the disabled.

But Terry wanted to be selfish right up until the end

and I must respect that to the letter.

Not being funny, but Terry would have expected you all to chip in today

otherwise it just gets nasty.

Thank you, Jill.

- Death is one... - I will not hear a word against Terry.

Having said that, he was a very bad husband and quite an evil man.

He did not do his duty to me,

whether it be in the bedroom, in the shower

or strapped to the washing machine with a hairbrush in my mouth.

He did, however, see fit to poke his pipe in a local tart...

...whom I've yet to track down but whom I entirely forgive.

Forgiveness is always the best way.

- Jesus said... - Since Terry's death...

I would like to thank two dear friends.

Naming no names, let's call them Cathy and Don.

Through shunning me in my grief

and treating me like a leopard...

they have shown me that I am a social piranha.

Jill...

I'm so grateful to Cathy for punching me in the face...

throwing me out of her house and trying to run me over.

She has taught me that my friendship... and love

are useless.

What I would say is...

I was abused.

Oh, dear.

It only happened a couple of times... a week

- But it was my uncle. - Oh, Jill.

One of the teachers at school...

our next-door neighbour, the man who delivered the eggs...

my granddad...

...and my Aunty Pat.

She used to read me a story, lift up her top...

and ask me to throw hoops at her nipples.

- Jill, I'm so sorry. - That wasn't too bad.

They were very big.

- Not the hoops, her... - Jill, please.

Don't do this to yourself.

I was just young. Between 9 and 15,

16 and 18...

and then nothing again until I was 28.

And that was just the egg man, return of.

He was very tanned.

Looked like Kilroy.

Jill?

Jill?

(d Raunchy disco)

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