Original subtitles

(Gordon) How are you coping, Jill, since Terry's passing?

I think I'm at the denial stage in all honesty, Gordon.

I mean, I know he's gone but I can't quite admit it to myself.

I'll always carry him with me.

Those that you love are always in your heart.

I've actually got him here, Gordon.

A whole life, just dust.

I mean that's not all of him. That's probably the equivalent of a leg.

Oh... There are little stones in there, aren't there, Jill?

Probably just kidney stones, Sue.

No, kidney stones are made of calcium. They look like actual stones.

Poor Terry.

Dennis said can he wear that for the wedding?

But he won't look so angry on the actual day.

- (Mobile ringing) - Excuse me.

Phone, Linda.

(Jill) Linda's my PA, Sue.

Hello?

Is that... That's not?

Terry?

Jill, it sounds like Terry.

Jill is not available to take your call at the moment.

And you can't leave a message. Thank you.

Are you trying to torture me, Linda?

Don?

Mm?

I thought we weren't keeping this.

- What's that? - Sandra.

Oh, damn! Is that still, um...

Look, I'II...

- Don? - Hm?

There's a note.

- Right. - About things that have hurt me.

- Another, um... - Yes.

Different from...

- I'll get back to you on this. - OK.

(d Techno)

Jill!

What a lovely surprise! We had a date the other day.

- Glenn. - Glenn! How are you?

Not so bad. I was a wee bit disappointed

You were in there a while. I waited till closing time.

Mm. I filled the bowl twice over.

How are you now? You look radiant.

Thank you. Still quite bubbly actually.

Jill, I have to say, I...

I find you very attractive. The other night I thought I'd struck bingo.

Unfortunately, Glenn, I realised that night I was actually looking for more of a...

spiritual relationship,

being so freshly bereaved and devastated.

I can understand that, Jill.

I must admit I had several suicide attempts before I met you.

- This morning? - No, no.

After my wife, Rachel, passed over.

Look...

- I know I'm not your ideal man. - No.

And you're not Rachel.

For a start, you're much younger and more attractive.

But that needn't be a problem.

I think I might be a lesbian as well.

I've had patches.

What? To try and stop it?

Mmm.

- Ooh! - Ooh!

Goodness!

Some of you ladies must have very large...

Mine's tiny. It's like a cat's anus.

Ah, sorry.

I never really got a clear look at Rachel's.

I once got a flash of something grey when I surprised her on the loo, but...

Hers would probably have been quite big, Glenn, with all the PE.

Listen, Jill. If you are not doing anything tonight, maybe we could grab a pizza,

if it's not too greasy on your tummy.

I can't tonight, I'm afraid, Glenn. I'm seeing a doctor.

Oh, the diarrhoea, yeah?

No, he's a... new neighbour.

Bit embarrassing, actually. He's got a little bit of a crush on me.

You must be careful, Jill. You can't trust doctors.

They lie.

They tell you something's cleared up when you know bloody well it hasn't.

- I'll just try these on. Excuse me. - Right.

I'll have a browse.

(d Techno)

(d Mis-Teeq: Scandalous)

Oh, that was for a Miss Lamb.

Perhaps you'd like to have a day off from persecuting me, Joy.

Now I shall be out today doing my Christian works,

so you'll be captain, Linda.

I done sea cadets, Jill.

Linda will be operating the tan blaster today.

- I'm Linda. - Well done.

So you go into the booth, Mrs Wickstead.

- I'd just... - I'm talking.

And it will spray you top to toe at up to 20 miles an hour with the colour.

And Linda will be manning the blaster from in here.

- I'm not allowed to go in, am I? - No.

Now, once you are in there, Mrs Wickstead,

it is claustrophobic, OK? It is very tight in there.

I go in there myself all the time. Never failed to find it frightening.

And once you are in there, I ask that you please try not to inhale.

- What shall I do about breathing then? - I suggest you try and stock up

before you go in. That's your best bet.

OK, Linda. Do you want to boost up the hose?

Off you go, please, Mrs Wickstead.

Jill? Who's Mrs Wickstead?

(d Techno)

- Beef, Don, do you like it? - Mm.

Although Catherine's vegetarian.

Maybe that's just as well cos I am planning quite a meaty buffet.

Catherine just rang actually.

I'm afraid she may not be up to it tonight, Jill.

But she feels as if she rests all afternoon she might manage it.

- Hiya, Cath. - Ah!

Oh. Oh, Jill!

Sorry, I was just having a bit of a sleep.

I thought we'd have a girly afternoon out, Cathy. Go shopping.

Oh, that's sweet! I think I just need to rest.

(d Heavy metal)

(Dog growling)

Michael! Go on.

Ooh! Oh, dear.

Sorry, Jill, I'm a bit temp...

Oh, down, boy! I'm a bit uncomfortable around dogs.

Were you savaged, Cathy?

- That would explain a lot. - No, no.

I... I just had a rather uncomfortable experience

with a German shepherd when I was nine.

He was very persistent.

Were you wearing a skirt?

I was. Well, yes, a party dress.

So you can't lead 'em on and then cry rape, Cath.

(d Heavy metal)

Do you like Priest?

(Music off)

Jill says you're an actress.

Yes.

I got a lot of connections with people on the telly.

- Really? Who? - I don't know.

So... It would be quite fun just to... Jill?

All right, Cath. I'll just park up. I'll see you at Scott's.

Oh... Where's... Where's Scott's? Jill?

(d Heavy metal)

Excuse me. Sorry, do you know where Scott's is?

Do you know where Scott's is, please?

Up to the top, turn left, and then right up to the top again.

OK, all right. Thank you very much.

Oh...

Oh!

(d Heavy metal)

Hiya, Cath.

Come on, Catherine Wheels!

- Oh, dear! - All right, Cathy?

(Gasps)

- Ain't that lovely, Cath? - Yes, very nice.

God, that is gorgeous.

- Isn't that gorgeous? - (Gasping) That's nice, yes.

- God, I'd love that, Cath. - Mm.

I would love that.

- That is so nice, isn't it? - Yes, it is.

I wish I had that.

God, that is lovely. I love that, Cath.

- I really love that. - Yes. Yeah.

- I love it. Do you like it? - Lovely. Yes.

I love it. I wish that was mine.

- Fancy a cappuccino, Cathy? - Oh, yes.

- You must be exhausted. - Oh!

I'll go and grab us a table.

Now, I'm gonna go quiet now cos I love doing this.

(Orgasmic sighs)

Oh, that's coming off lovely.

Ohh...

I love doing this.

I really love it.

Ohh!

You got some real chunks.

Ooh!

I'm ready for this. That hill was a bit exhausting.

?5.40.

Gosh!

I did give you that ten, didn't I?

Yeah, and I thought ten... 15 pounds cash for that petrol, Cath.

Oh, can I offer you some petrol money, Jill?

Call it 20, Cathy, otherwise it just gets nasty.

- Sure, yeah. - Settle up now.

Let's see...

- Yes. Help yourself. - Thank you.

Lovely.

- Here we are then. - Lovely. Thank you.

Oh, well, you have been spoiled today, Cathy, haven't you, eh?

Yes. I was planning just a quiet afternoon by myself.

Oh, don't talk to me about Ioneliness, Cath.

I mean, here I am with you, apparently having a nice time but...

inside I am profoundly Ionely.

Oh, dear.

Well, um... actually, I bought you a little present.

Just to say thank you for today.

- Cathy! - Oh, you know.

- Thank you so much. - All right. OK.

Oh, that's so sweet of you.

Thank you. I love presents.

Isn't it lovely? It's the one you were admiring earlier.

I didn't mean that one, Cathy.

Oh...

- I don't like it. - Oh, no.

- I really don't like it, Cath. - Oh, no.

Well, we'll take it back. Don't worry. We'll just...

I really hate it, Cathy.

- Don't worry, honestly. - I don't like it.

We'll take it back. It's fine.

Well, there's no time now, Cath. We've paid for all this.

Well, I mean, one of us could whiz down there and...

That's sweet, Cathy. Thank you.

Right.

Sorry.

Sorry.

They're still open, Cath. Just.

- Good. - We've just caught them.

- Did you drive? - Yeah.

See, that's the one I wanted, Cathy. The encrusted cross.

- Yes, well, have it. - That's the one I wanted.

- Sorry. A lift would have been nice. - It's actually cheaper.

(Gasping) Is it? OK, fine. Whatever.

Yeah?

Thinking about it, Cath,

I'd prefer the equivalent in cash, really.

- Would you? - Yeah.

You prefer the cash. OK, fine.

To the value of the one you wanted.

- No, the other one. - OK, fine.

Now, I must ask you not to eat while I'm doing this. Although I will be.

Do you want it on your face?

I do get claustrophobic.

Right. I think you should cos it'll take some of the puff out of your cheeks.

Now, this is clinically proven to take you down two dress sizes.

They done it on rats.

I'll pop a whistle in your mouth for safety.

And then we'll let it take for a bit.

But not for too long, right? Cos I got Slim World at six.

Me and Dennis always go for a curry first.

Do people know I'm here, Jill? I haven't had any other visitors.

Oh, Terry, I've told absolutely everybody you're here, darlin'.

Sadly, you cannot force people to care.

I'll tell you what.

I got you a little prezzie.

- Oh! - There you go.

Your Journey To Death?

Well, Dr Wivel recommended it.

He got one for me as well called Your Whole Life Ahead Of You.

Just to know we're both preparing.

I'll take that for you, Terry.

Don't want to feed the cancer, Terry. There we are.

Did you want to show Mrs Tyrrell some of the wigs, Terry?

- (Jill) Wigs? - I might not need one.

Not everybody who has the treatment loses their hair.

Excuse me.

Do you do cappuccino, please?

No. Sorry.

She's a nasty piece of work.

I didn't know you liked cappuccino.

Maybe I'm growing as a woman, Terry.

I won't be spoken to like that. She can keep her bitterness to herself.

Bye, darling.

I'll see you later.

Bye, then.

(d Techno)

(d Sade: Your Love Is King)

(Dog barking)

(Doorbell)

- Hiya, Don. - Hi there.

Cathy!

- Hi there. - Hello.

Oh, lovely.

Spot the alcoholic, Cathy. Two bottles of wine.

Do you want to go through, Don? There's a corkscrew in the kitchen.

Oh, Cathy.

Hello.

You up to pulling a little cracker, Cath?

- Yes. Yeah. - Party, innit?

- Ooh! - Ooh!

Jill wins!

- Never very sporty. - Here you are, Cathy.

You have the little hat.

It is technically mine but... There we are.

Oh, you got quite a big head, Cath.

Is that part of the illness?

No, I don't think so.

Pardon?

(d Sade: Sweetest Taboo)

Here we are, Don.

Is Catherine OK?

Gripey tum. I think she's having a little blow-off outside.

Could you...

stomach a bit of tongue, Don?

Sorry?

We've got...

ox, lamb,

deer, sheep.

And that one is duck.

I think I'm all right actually, Jill.

Ducky tongue go down.

(Dog barking, Cath screaming)

No, no! Oh, dear.

He looks like a man of means, don't he?

Professional man.

I mean, I like him, Don, cos he's just getting on with it.

Sometimes though, I can feel him looking at me.

Undressing me with his eyes.

Following me round the room. On his horse.

(Dog barking)

Is Catherine OK?

- (Turns volume up) - (Doorbell)

(Mobile ringing)

Hello? Don Cole.

Who? Oh. Er...

Right. Yeah.

OK... Catherine.

She shut the door on me, Don.

It blew shut, Cathy.

And then the dog...

Oh, Cathy.

He does get excited at parties, Cath.

(Cathy screams)

Oh!

Jill!

I want to go home, Don.

Terry died.

Excuse me.

There we are. That one's for you, Don.

Mm.

Jill.

There we go.

Sorry. I can't eat meat, Jill.

It's mostly gristle, Cath.

No, I'm vegetarian.

These prawns are nice.

Rich. Sort of...

spicy.

Smashed prawns in a milky basket.

I have taken their faces off, Cath.

That looks like a panty-liner, doesn't it?

Um...

More wine, anyone?

Thank you. Lovely.

Do you want a bit of milk with that, Cath?

Milk for Jill.

(d Mud: Tiger Feet)

That's it, Cathy! Yaay!

Woo-hoo!

Shake it all about. Whoo!

Sorry. Jill, actually, I don't feel very well.

Oh, Cathy, you've got MS.

Let's see. How about we have a game of...

party balloon!

OK, Don?

OK.

That's it.

Ooh!

Your turn, Cath.

I can't grip that, Don. I don't...

- Oh, Don. - Good girl, Cathy. Good girl

Sorry. I think it was...

Wheee!

The prawns. I just feel... I feel a bit.

Come on, my go.

That's it. Just feed it in slightly.

(Cathy) Sorry, Jill.

Have you got any Pepto-Bismol?

Cupboard under the sink, Cathy, for medicine.

Oh!

Oh, Cathy.

You should have said. I'd have taken you.

Aww.

You had a nice time though, Cathy?

(Jill) Don!

(Whistling)

(Thud)

(Phone)

(Jill on answering machine) Hi, Cath. Hi, Don. Sorry to bother you.

It's just that I was wondering if I could pop over

cos I'm not feeling very well.

Don?

Jill?

Hiya, Don. Sorry to bother you.

It's just that I found a lump.

Right. Um...

The surgery opens at nine tomorrow, Jill, so make an appointment.

Sorry, Don. It's just... You know, with Terry and everything,

I'm quite afraid.

I really can't feel anything, Jill.

I know they're small, Don.

No, I can't feel any lumps.

(Sighs of pleasure)

I don't know what I'll do now Terry's gone.

I mean, who'd want me, Don?

Widow in her late 20s with a...

zest for life and a yearning to sing?

Mm.

(Sighs of pleasure)

(Sighing)

What is it you look for in a woman, Don?

Thickening of the tissue, discharge from the nipple.

I meant looks-wise.

(Clears throat) I think we're done now here, Jill.

She thought she'd found a lump. I was just...

You're overreacting, darling.

That's what you said about Sandra.

Nothing happened with Sandra.

Well, it did. You kissed her.

Catherine, I didn't...

initiate it.

What about the fondling and mutual masturbating?

Again, Sandra took the lead.

I mean, you've held on to this for far too long, darling.

I thought we talked about forgiveness.

I just...

I just feel...

ugly and...

old and...

inadequate.

Come on, darling. You're not...

old.

Oh!

Jill?

What time is it?

It's late.

What's wrong?

It's everything, Terry.

I just feel...

so alone.

Well, I'm still here.

Hardly.

No, look, Jill, I'm glad you've come...

Sorry.

- I've got some news. - Oh, can't it wait, Terry?

- This isn't all about you. - What's upset you?

Well, your upcoming death for a start.

Well, Jill, it so happens...

I don't think you have any idea how much a funeral costs.

Well... No, well, that's just it, you see.

Dr Wivel told me earlier...

it looks like I'm responding to treatment.

I don't think there's gonna be a funeral, Jill.

Terry.

You cannot muck me around like this.

I've made arrangements and that is that.

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