Original subtitles

I'm sorry. I'm afraid it's not good news.

The lump we removed is malignant.

We'll need to start treatment immediately.

I'll give you a minute.

Jill, it's all right.

- We'll get through this. - (Sighs)

- I just feel so... - I know.

I mean, why?

- Why me? - Jill.

Let's keep it in perspective.

It's me that's got the cancer.

Ooh!

Quite early for champagne, darling.

New home, new start.

Quite early for that too, Don.

Champagne?

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Better clear that up in a minute.

OK. Just let the magic mousey mouse do his work.

Right, Jill. Age bracket for the sort of man you're hoping to meet.

Erm... 18 up, please.

18... And premium limit at the top end, please.

71.

71, OK.

Would you mind just standing up for me, poppet?

- Now, you're quite a tall lady, Jill. - Thank you.

- The lowest male height? About 5... - 6 foot.

6 foot, 6 foot lowest.

And premium limit at the top end, please, Jill, if you don't mind.

Well, I don't want anyone you could find working in a circus.

OK.

If you just want to plop your botty bot down on here, have a look.

Ideally, I'm looking for dark hair,

red jumper and quite a large face.

- What about personality? - I don't mind if he has one or not.

Would you like someone emotionally open? Able to comunicate?

- No, thank you. - OK.

Number one here is Peter.

- I don't like him. - I'll show you his details.

- I don't like him. - OK, all right, Jill.

Number two is Leonard Kent. Now, he is a smashing guy.

Of course you can.

What is that?

I don't know. Shall we scroll on?

? Let there be you

? Let there be me...

? Let there be moonlight

- ? Over the moon... ? - Don.

- You're not meant to see me like this. - Sorry, dear?

Oh! New nightie?

It's my wedding dress, Don.

(Laughing) Oh, Christ! You really wear that thing.

Oh!

- Oh, Don. - Mm?

I just feel we're so connected again.

Yes, me too.

Mmm! Ahh!

Oh...

Don, do you, erm... want me to...

fellate you?

Gosh, that does sound tempting, darling.

Is your neck up to it?

Well... I could use my neck brace.

- Might be a bit restricting. - Yeah, yeah.

I'm never really quite sure how hygienic it all is.

- Well, we could... - Plus, I've just done my teeth, so...

Oh, here's one. Glenn.

OK. No picture.

We don't have pictures of everyone.

There is a bit of mystery surrounding them.

OK.

- Women do like mystery, Jill. - Yes, thank you.

Erm... He describes his personality as "Scottish".

(? Britney Spears: One More Time)

When I left yesterday I was very pleased with the cut and the colour.

The cut is fine but the colour has gone onto my skin.

And you didn't do that when you got home.

- No. - OK.

That's a reaction you're having. That will fade.

- I mean, I can't even see it. - It's all over my neck.

I just see a neck.

Joy, can you get the book, please?

As I say, I can't see anything, Mrs Horner.

But if you are convinced there is something there,

what I can do is layer on some foundation which will blend and banish.

Or I can fringe you.

We decided I wasn't going to have a fringe.

I don't think we decided. I think we discussed.

Sorry I'm late, Jill. I had an attack.

- Dennis? - (Panting) Asthma.

Well, it's still going in the book, Linda.

(Wheezing)

Linda, please don't goggle at me when I'm in a consultation.

I need my puffer.

(Jill) You know my feelings about asthma.

Take a deep breath and get over it and go and put your buns in.

(Wheezing) Sorry.

Thank you, Joy.

Just to say, can you not breathe too close to the clients

while your dentures are settling in?

We're not all fish lovers.

What did they say about Terry, Jill?

- Cancer, Linda. - No.

- Riddled. - Jill!

(Wheezes)

Poor Terry.

I've had several complaints about BO, Linda.

I swear to God, Jill. I have never smelled you.

- No, you, Linda. - Sorry.

So you have a big blast of Joy's Tweed and you go out there all guns blazing.

(Mrs Horner) Excuse me.

- My forehead looks huge. - I thought that when you came in.

- I'm really not happy. - Well, my husband is dying of cancer.

I'm sorry.

What's happened is that divorce has brought your eyebrows down.

And that has largened up your forehead.

And I actually see them working for you more here...

and here.

You may look quite shocked, Mrs Horner. But that will get you noticed.

Oh, Jill. I feel so...

Oh, it's all about you, innit, Terry?

The doctor warned me about this.

They said it's usually worse for the person who ain't got the cancer.

I did get you a little present.

Oh!

Ooh!

Jimjams, Jill. Thank you.

Lovely.

Um...

It might be a bit small, Jill.

Doctor Wivel says you will be... very small.

Towards the end.

Oh Jill, no one said there's gonna be an end.

Terry, all of us are going to die, darling.

Just some of us have been asked to leave more quickly than others.

What have I done to deserve this?

What do you think, Terry?

Ooh...

Er...

Ooh...

Uh... (Grunts)

Uh...

(Sighs)

Oh. You off?

No point in us both getting depressed.

Mm...

- You must be Glenn. - Glenn, yes. Hello, Jill. Thanks.

Four years I've been registered.

Disabled?

No, with the dating agency, Lasso The Moon.

My problem was always being scared about meeting new people.

Right.

So, are you going to have a starter, Glenn?

Ooh! I've never had a starter before.

Well... I suppose I could have some chips.

- Have you been here before? - Oh yes, once or twice.

- Lately. - What would you recommend, Glenn?

I can recommend the risotto vegetariana.

- I'm very fond of rice. - How much is it, that risotto vegiana?

6.95. What I tend to do is take the peas out.

- Quite pricey. Are you paying for this? - Oh, yes. I'm prepared to climb the tree.

OK, I'll have the fillet steak and a bowl of chips to myself, thanks.

Right. Let's get the the waiter's attention.

Peter.

I'll get him on the way back round.

Oh! If you don't mind, I took the liberty of getting you a wee present.

What they call an ice-breaker.

Is there anything inside that?

I don't know. Er...

I didn't check. You could give it a wee knock.

It might have some nuts in it.

No.

Is that hair natural, Glenn?

No. To be honest, it was an impulse perm after my wife Rachel's funeral.

What is it you look for in a lady, Glenn?

I'm not fussy. As long as she has two eyes, nice personality.

Not so keen on bottoms, though.

I'm forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?

- I'll have a glass of champagne. - Oh, right.

I'm sure they run to that. Yes.

Peter. Peter!

(Glenn clears throat)

Don?

I think I'm going to, um, have a bit of quiet time...

actually, darling.

Yes, of course.

Was you ever unfaithful to Rachel, Glenn?

No.

- Rachel ever unfaithful to you? - Oh, no!

I mean, she did have sex with someone else.

Her orthodontist.

But, um, as Rachel said, brute force was involved.

He was very drunk. I mean, technically it was rape.

Christ!

But he didn't press charges.

She was a big girl, Rachel.

She was a PE teacher. My PE teacher.

I think I'll just take my fleece off.

A little hot and bothered.

Right. Call of the wild.

? Don't need the sun to shine to make me smile

? Don't care if it's dark outside cos I got you

? And though the rain may fall

? No, I won't care at all

? Cos baby, I know that I got you ?

(? Recorder, out of tune)

Red, red, the rage Red, red, the rage

(Hopelessly out of tune)

Black my mac in the rain you attack

Good. Thank you.

- There is a second part. - You can sit down now, Mike.

We do have a new member in our group we'd like to welcome.

- Catherine. - Hello.

- I got my piece prepared, Sue. - OK, Jill. Just to say...

Cathrine has MS, which must be difficult.

Well. Yes, it can be.

I always say I prefer not to be defined by my illness.

I used to be a dancer.

Poor little thing in her chair. There's a friend for you, Judy.

(Laughing) Yes.

Anyway, it's nice to get out and meet some new people.

Erm... I'm feeling a bit vulnerable, having left my support network behind.

- Is it life-threatening, your NS? - MS. It can be but it's not always.

Cos my husband is in hospital, dying of cancer.

Oh, dear!

Yes, our thoughts and prayers go out to Terry tonight.

- Now, Catherine. - (Jill) I have got my piece

on how Terry's cancer has affected me, but...

If Cathy is taking priority...

- Oh, no, absolutely, really. - Right. Linda.

(? Marillion: Lavender)

? I was walking in the park

? Dreaming of a spark

? When I heard the sprinklers whisper

? Shimmer in the haze of summer lawns

? Then I heard the children singing

? They were running through the rainbows

? They were singing a song for you

? Well, it seemed to be a song for you

? The one I wanted to write for you

? For you

? You

? Lavender's blue, dilly dilly, lavender's green

? When I am king, dilly dilly

? You will be queen

? A penny for your thoughts, my dear

? A penny for your thoughts, my dear

? IOU for your love

? IOU for your love ?

Looking lovely, Catherine. Did you enjoy this evening?

Very much. It really was fun and fellowship, wasn't it?

- How are you bearing up, not too tired? - No, fine, fine.

I know multiple sclerosis is quite a trial.

My wife struggled with it for many years.

Really? You look very well.

No, Sue passed over six months ago.

There's always hope. I was blessed again in the form of Sue Two.

Second Sue.

I'm Jill Tyrrell.

Don Cole.

Old King Cole is a merry old soul.

It must be a comfort for Catherine having a doctor for a husband.

Mm?

Cathy has got MS, Don.

She used to be a dancer. What was it Cath, tap?

- Ballet. - Oh dear.

What do you do, anyway, Don?

I'm a doctor.

Right! Well done, Cathy!

Hug for Jill! Mmm!

- Here, Cathy, have this. - Thank you.

This may bring on orgasm, Mr Beeston.

I'll let you know.

Sorry, Jill. Dennis.

Poor girl. I'd like to talk to that Dennis.

I've spoken to her time and again, Joy. She does not want to hear his side.

(Jill) Of course, me and Terry never argued.

That man worshipped me.

But with all due respect, Linda won't find anyone else.

(Jill) I was just saying, Linda. Linda?

Just saying that you won't find anyone else.

- There was someone once, Jill. - We've all had someone once, eh?

(Joy) Didn't Terry have an affair, Jill?

Thank you, Joy. He spent one night with a slut.

If you'd had your first erection in 15 years, Joy,

you'd want to poke it somewhere and I was in Bristol seeing Phantom On Ice.

Not this again.

Look. It was one night in 15 years.

One more bloody night than I ever got, Terry.

I've had 15 years in the desert down there.

I am a very attractive woman, Terry. I have men shouting at me in the street.

What could this woman possibly have offered you that I could not?

It wasn't like that.

Did she take it up the rear?

Because, given the opportunity, I will take it up the rear till I'm blue in the face.

Jill.

I have tried. For years. To...

To love you.

And with her...

it just happened.

This is the chaemo talking.

? Lavender's green, dilly dilly, lavender's blue

? When you love me, dilly dilly, I will love you

? A penny for your thoughts, my dear

? A penny for your thoughts, my dear

? IOU for your love

- ? IOU... ? - (Doorbell)

Jill, are you all right?

- Terry slipped away this afternoon. - Oh, Jill.

Dear Lord. Shh. I'm here. Shh.

He died in his sleep,

during Watercolour Challenge.

- Jill, I'm so sorry. - I know.

He loved that programme.

God was obviously eager to take Terry to His home.

Or Satan.

I think I'll stay, Jill.

You're obviously in shock.

Do you mind if you don't, Gordon?

(Doorbell)

(Doorbell persists)

- Hiya, Cath. - (Rings doorbell)

Erm... Jill!

Hello! How's you?

Yes, fine. Sorry, I was in bed.

Just wondering if Don was about.

- No, he's on call. - Right.

- Sorry, what for? - I wanted my plate back.

Sausage rolls. Right. OK.

Sorry. I left it at the village hall.

At Swallows.

- You left it at Swallows? - Yeah.

Right. I will want that replaced, Cathy.

- There we are. - Thanks, lovey.

Thank you.

- Is Don going to be a long time? - Yes, he could be.

It's OK. I've got a couple of hours.

Good.

Sorry I'm late, Jill.

- Jill? - It's Terry.

- Oh! - He slipped away, Linda.

Yesterday evening, in the small hours of the morning.

- Oh, what happened? - It was horrific.

One minute, we were having a cup of tea, Joy.

The next, he arched up and off the bed,

like a cobra swallowing a horse.

I think it's when his soul was leaving his body, Joy.

Then he stood up like a rod

and sprinted up the end of the ward and then back again.

And then he lay down, weeping like an old woman,

begging for my forgiveness for betraying me with a slut.

Especially as he realised, both before, during and after, Joy,

I was the best he ever had.

Then one terrible grunt.

No, Jill, no!

And he was gone.

- (Linda) Ohh! - (Thud)

(Hairdryer whirrs)

(Snorts)

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