Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

(laid back music)

- Good morning, sweetheart.

(Lisa yawns)

What's crackalacking?

Did you get back to sleep?

- Eventually.

What is it with her

and a two in the morning nappy explosion?

- Don't know.

I think her internal clock's out of whack.

- Thanks for taking her off me though.

(door opens)

Not a word to Danny.

- No.

- [Lisa] Hand her over, quick.

- (mumbles), gang.

- Hey, here's your daddy.

* Daddy, daddy cool

* Daddy, daddy cool

Say it again

* Daddy, daddy cool

* Oh, yeah

* Daddy, daddy cool

- All right.

- (grunts) I've missed this.

- You're the only one who has.

- Oh, what?

(Roger screams)

- Right.

I'm off to earn some pennies to keep you three

in the manner to which you have become accustomed.

- We've gone all Jane Austen.

- But not before I have smothered

the most beautiful girl in the world with kisses

over every spare inch of her gorgeous little face.

- Oh, get off, you nut job.

- Oh, you're so lucky to get to spend all day with her.

- Maybe we could take it in turns.

You could stop home every other day,

and I could go out and do the breadwinning.

- Good idea.

See you laters, mashed potaters.

- See you in an hour, cauliflower.

- (grunts) I've really missed this!

- You bloody idiots.

I've missed it too.

- [Fergus] What's that?

- Statement for those adverts I did.

- Oh, they're just paying it out.

How much is it?

- Do I ask you how much you get?

- You're right, you're right, your business.

Just don't spend it all on shoes.

I gotta go.

- That's your idea of breakfast on the go?

- Well, I haven't the time to stop off for anything.

I've got to be at me desk by 10

before Lisa calls to check up on me.

I've also got to be there for 12, two, 2:30, four and five.

Someone really needs to explain to her

what the term maternity leave means.

Actually, why don't you come in with me?

We hardly ever see each other these days.

It might be nice.

- But you'll just be working.

What am I meant to do?

- Oh, I dunno.

We could find something,

maybe a bit of filing, answer the odd call.

- Are you asking me to do PA work?

- No! (laughs)

Actually, yeah.

Seriously, Denise, I'm up to me eyes at the moment.

- Then hire someone.

I don't do that anymore.

- But I'll pay you, eh.

Nice little bit of extra pocket money

in between modeling gigs.

Then you could spend that on shoes.

- Could I?

- Well, this must be some kind of mistake.

- No, apparently, that's fairly normal.

- But this is,

but this is--

- Quite a lot of shoes?

I know.

So I think I can probably get by

without your pocket money for the time being.

Thank you very much.

Well, go on.

Your breakfast is melting.

- Right.

- I canceled me first job of the day for this,

so it better be important.

What's going on?

- Well, I don't know what you call it here these days,

but over in the States, we refer to it as breakfast.

- Robbie wanted to show me sophisticated New York dining.

- Eggs en cocotte, sour cream, hazelnut waffles

and buckwheat crepes with caramelized onions.

Gwyneth Paltrow won't start the day without it.

- Gwyneth Paltrow?

Ha, what do you think of that?

- Eat at the same diner.

We're actually on nodding terms.

- You said there was an emergency.

- There is.

The lav is knackered again. (mumbles)

He goes at that thing like he's on Total Wipeout.

- That's not an emergency.

I was on a job, a paying job!

You're gonna compensate me for that, are you?

(Robbie gasps)

- Charge our own mother to fix her toilet?

You've changed, Dan.

- I'll get me tools.

- Who was that on the phone?

What's happened?

- It was someone from (mumbles), the football club.

They've asked me to come for a trial tonight.

- But they're a proper team.

I've actually heard of them.

They've been on the telly.

- I know.

(Bianca squeals)

- Oh, my god, you're a professional footballer!

- [Gary] Bianca!

- You'll be on the telly too,

and then they might pick you for Strictly.

They sometimes have footballers on Strictly.

We have to tell people.

- No!

No, I've not even had the trial yet.

They might not want me.

I might not be good enough.

- Of course you'll be good enough!

- That's what I thought about my A-levels.

- Oh.

But this is different.

You're actually good at football.

Oh, that came out wrong.

- Look, I just don't wanna get my hopes up, okay?

So promise me, we're not gonna tell anyone.

- Okay, I promise.

I could tell Lisa though.

- No.

Nobody.

- All right, nobody.

My lips are sealed.

(upbeat music)

Oh!

- Good morning.

- [Woman] Good morning.

- Come on, where are you?

- Oh, Lisa, the multitasker.

- Oh, hello.

- So how are you finding mommydom then?

- Where have you been?

Fergus, you know I always call at 10.

Don't tell me you just got in.

- There is something seriously nasty--

- I'm about to change your left rod.

You've been using them cheap bleach blocks, haven't you?

They eat away at it.

Stop using them.

- But that means I'll have to clean the toilet every week.

- You should clean the toilet anyway, everyday.

Right, you, get your jacket on.

- Sorry?

- I've got nothing on till after dinner,

so I thought you and me

could have that little catch up we're overdue.

- Hmm, I'm all right, thanks.

- Oh, no, go on.

You've hardly seen each other since you arrived.

- Yeah, it'd be nice, little trip down memory lane.

That is why you said you were back, isn't it?

- [Bradley] Tanya?

- [Shelley] She's gone out.

- Where?

- I don't know,

(phone beeps) but she did take your wallet.

- (sighs) Of course she did.

- [Shelley] (chuckles) I'm just reading up

on Majesty University.

I can't wait.

(phone rings)

- [Gus] Looks just like her mom, doesn't she?

- Gus.

- [Gus] Long time no see, old friend.

I reckon we're about to change all that, don't you?

- Molly moo.

Molly moo.

Molly wolly woobbles.

What have you been calling her, Lisa?

- Molly Sue.

- Aw, I don't mean a proper name, I mean a baby name.

When you talk to her, what do you call her?

- Molly Sue.

- Lisa, she's got to have a baby name.

Tell you what, you can have Molly wolly woobles.

I don't think I'll need that one.

- Right.

How is Josh?

- Oh, (mumbles), he's fine.

It's her granny day today, which Fergus decided to use

as an excuse to take advantage of me.

Tried to make me go into the office

and do some filing and stuff for him.

- I spoke to him this morning.

He never said anything.

Mind, I couldn't really understand him.

I think he was eating something.

- It might have been his Cornetto.

- All right, Denise.

I saw your billboard the other day.

You're like a proper celebrity now.

- Oh, maybe just a little one.

- Should I ring him?

I'm gonna ring him.

- I've never met a proper celebrity before.

When me and Sue went to London,

we thought we saw Noel Edmonds in Poundstretcher.

But it might not have been him.

They all look the same, that lot, don't they?

- Yeah, I suppose they do.

- Lisa, I'm fine.

Everything is fine.

But if you're really worried, then maybe we could,

well, I don't know.

I suppose I could look into hiring

a temporary PA or something.

- [Lisa] Don't you even think about that!

- No, I would never hire anyone

without talking to you first.

All right, bye.

- Everything all right?

- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's just the missus. (mumbles)

So,

why don't you start

by telling me about your last PA job, hm?

- Oh, this place hasn't changed.

Oh, I beat you on that quiz machine, remember?

- You have a very selective memory.

- (chuckles) Right.

Your round first, I reckon.

I'll have a pint, please.

- Um--

- What?

Technically, I am on holiday.

Anyway, that guy's on the scotch, look, and he's a vicar.

- Yeah, I'm not sure he counts.

So what was it?

Wedding, christening?

- Mice.

- Okay, that's a new one.

(Robbie clears his throat)

This is Robbie, my brother.

- Oh, yes, the prodigal son.

Yes, I've heard all about it.

Very nice to meet you.

- You too, rev.

Is it rev, or do you prefer reverend or father?

- Roger will be fine.

- Oh, you're one of them cool vicars.

Yeah, we've got loads of them in New York.

There's this one guy, he does all his sermons

from a skate park in the Bronx, the whole congregation

doing kick flips and spins whilst he preaches. (chuckles)

You should try it with your lot.

- Yes, yes.

Well, I'll bring it up in the next parish council.

- Can I have a Coke, please?

And so will he.

- Cheers, rev.

- Bianca, I didn't know you were coming into work today.

- I'm not.

I've got some exciting news.

It's about Gary.

That's all I can say.

So will you please stop trying to get it out of me? (laughs)

- What are you doing with that?

- What?

Yeah, something's come up, business.

- Is mom going?

- Not this time, no.

- She might be happy.

Well, I'm going to that open day thing.

Will you be here when I get back?

- That's today?

You're going on your own?

- No, I'm going with Shez.

Her mom's driving us down.

Why?

- Nothing.

I would have taken you myself, that's all.

Yes, I'll still be here, not leaving till tonight.

- Well, see you later then.

- Have fun.

- Okay.

- Nice.

- Filthy little vermin.

And I know we're supposed to love all of god's creatures,

but even I have limits, mice, spiders, jugglers.

- Jugglers?

- What's the bloody point of them?

In the meantime, I'm gonna finish this.

I'm gonna book myself into a bed and breakfast.

- A bed and breakfast, you? (laughs)

- Yes, me.

I am quite capable of roughing it.

- No, you're not.

You're coming home with me.

- Sorry.

- You'd go loopy in a bed and breakfast.

They lock the doors at 10 o'clock.

Plus you never know who's been sleeping in the beds.

It could have been a juggler.

- Bianca, that's extremely kind of you,

and I just don't want to impose.

And also, there's Gary.

- Gary thinks the world of you, you know that.

Besides, he's got more important things on his mind

at the moment, which I can't tell you about.

So will you stop bringing it up? (chuckles)

Now, come on.

Drink up, let's go.

Spit-spot.

- Oh, god.

- Karaoke tonight.

I should get mom down, get her doing a Chrissie Hynde.

You can come too if you like.

- Can I?

I can come to my local with my mom, can I?

Thanks, Rob.

- As long as you don't sing.

- I'm a good singer!

- You haven't got a musical bone in your body.

It skipped you somehow.

Not me.

I take after dad.

- Yeah, in more ways than one.

- Right, let's have it then.

I mean, it is why you brought me down here

and ply me with Coca-Cola, isn't it?

- You broke mom's heart when you left.

You do know that, don't you?

She only just got over dad walking out on her,

then you jump ship too.

- It was a shitty move.

I regret it.

But what you gotta understand, Dan

is I had a lot going on in my life back then.

- Oh, you've always got a lot going on in your life, Robbie,

usually debt collectors or angry husbands.

What was it that time?

- A bit of both.

And the way mom was, I couldn't handle it.

- I know she gave you some money.

- Who told you that?

- (mumbles) savings, wasn't it?

- I had to get away.

I don't expect you to understand.

- Oh, I understand because you've been doing this

since you were 17 years old.

So what's happened?

- [Robbie] I've told you.

- You told me you've landed some overpaid job

in a swanky New York bar.

You told me this whole glorious return

is nothing but an innocent little vacation.

- You don't have to believe me.

- I don't believe you.

- Don't then!

I still think that's the same quiz machine--

- Don't change the subject.

- I'm not!

Conversation's over.

You asked me, I've told you.

You're the one changing the subject

'cause you don't wanna face me in a rematch

'cause you're scared.

- Seriously?

You really think that still works on me.

what are you gonna do next, make chicken noises?

- No.

(clucks)

- What was that?

- What, what was what?

I didn't say anything.

(clucks)

- Right!

(Robbie chuckles)

- Hiya!

What?

- [Lisa] I just got her down.

- Oh.

I won't wake her.

I just need me daily nana fix.

Oh.

That's the stuff, the sweet elixir of youth.

I can feel me wrinkles straightening out as we speak.

Now then, cheekbones, I showed our Robbie

your picture in the paper the other day.

I shot out (mumbles).

Probably not all that did neither. (chuckles)

- [Lisa] Pauline.

- What?

I'm paying the girl a compliment, aren't I?

You wanna keep sweet with this one.

She's our ticket to film premieres and red carpets.

Met anyone famous yet?

- No.

Oh, but Barry saw Noel Edmonds in Poundstretcher.

- It might not have been him.

- Can we...

- I've got a couple more people to see tomorrow,

but I should be able to give you the answer by Wednesday.

- Pleasure to meet you.

- Oh, yeah, I've got a tiny bit behind

with some of the paperwork at the moment.

- When did your last PA leave?

- Well, to be honest, she'll be,

well, whoever I hire will be the first.

- You've been running this whole operation by yourself?

- Well, I've got a partner, but she's mostly silent.

Mostly.

- That's amazing.

Can I ask, which business school did you go to?

- MBS.

- You're kidding.

That's where I went.

- [Fergus] No.

- Yeah.

I mean, a bit before your time, obviously.

- Well, I think you'll find I'm a smidge older than you.

- I don't think so.

What are you, 37, 38?

(Fergus laughs)

- Yeah, around that, yeah.

- Well, as I say, it's an absolute pleasure.

I look forward to hearing from you.

- Yes, yes, me too.

- Look, I don't want to talk out of turn

but I really don't like the thought of you

sorting through files.

It's not the job of a company director.

Why don't I stay on this afternoon?

Think of it as part of my interview.

Just show me to a desk.

(phone rings)

- All right, what's up?

- [Bradley] What are you doing right now?

- Not a lot.

- [Bradley] Good.

You can come around here then.

I need to talk to you.

- About what?

- [Bradley] About that favor you owe me.

- Ta-da!

What do you think?

- It's like Liberace exploded.

- Thank you. (chuckles)

I picked the color scheme myself.

- What?

My god, what's that?

- That's Emily.

Isn't she beautiful?

I've had her since I was a little girl.

Father picked her up for me on his travels.

- Where from, Amityville?

I can't have that staring at me

whilst I'm trying to go to sleep.

It looks like it might come to life and rip my face off.

- Emily would never do a thing like that!

But if you're going to be such a baby about it,

sorry.

There.

- Yes.

Yes, that's a lot less creepy.

- I'm going to leave you to get settled in.

- God

in

heaven.

- Yes!

- That was a guess.

- No, it wasn't.

- You knew the capital city of Senegal?

- Who doesn't?

Right, my turn to pick.

Sports.

This'll break you. (Robbie sighs)

You were never interested in sports.

As soon as the grandstand theme started,

up you were, sharp out the door.

- Yup, and straight down the street

to spend the afternoon (mumbles) with Judy's box.

But I'm sure you and (mumbles) were very happy together.

Ah!

- Nigel Mansell?

Everybody knows Nigel Mansell!

That barely qualifies as a question.

- Ah!

- And that was for the jackpot?

Even machines have been dumbed down.

All right, come on, split the pot.

- Oh, absolutely, 60-40.

- It was a tie.

We both answered the same amount of questions.

- Yeah, but you guessed on Senegal.

- Just give me my half.

I've already lost out on three jobs as it is today.

Oh, no, me four o'clock's canceled.

- Well, to be fair,

you can't blame that one on me or mom's toilet.

Anyway, it gives you a free run now.

It means we can stop for a few more.

And since it's gone two, perhaps we can actually have

a proper drink this time, eh.

- When did you become such an alky?

- When did you become such a square?

In New York, most of us would have had a cosmo by now.

- I thought that was a magazine.

- It's a cocktail, you plank.

- All right!

I never heard of it!

I drink beer.

Cocktails are for girls.

- And yet, you've heard of the magazine.

Who exactly is that for?

- She's still asleep.

I think it's a record.

- Oh, how good is this one?

I might take this in when I go back to work,

put it on my desk.

It's better than the one I've got of Dan.

I snuck in and snapped one of him when he was in the shower.

He's wearing this floral shower cap

and he's got this terrified look on his face

like Norman Bates had just walked in.

(Pauline and Lisa laugh)

So you two have been through this before.

What happens now?

- How'd you mean?

- Well, what did you do all day?

- Feed her, change her, put her to bed.

- And after that?

- Well, wait for her to wake up again.

- In between?

- Absolutely bloody nothing.

- [Denise] Oh, you're so lucky, Lisa.

I wish I could turn back the clock and do it all over.

- Happiest days of my life,

them first few weeks with our Dan,

nothing to do but sit around cuddling him and smoking fags.

In another room, obviously.

He wasn't growing up (mumbles).

- But

didn't you get bored?

- [Denise And Pauline] No.

- No.

No, me neither.

I was just wondering.

I bet some people do.

- [Denise] How are your boobs feeling, Lisa?

- I think I'll go to shop.

- I cannot believe that you got all these sorted and done

in what, four hours?

This would have taken me days.

- It's a gift.

- You're a gift.

Go on, get yourself away.

I'll lock up.

- So I'll hear by Wednesday then.

- Oh, forget that, job's yours.

You start tomorrow, nice and early.

Welcome aboard and all that.

- You won't regret it.

Am I okay to keep using this desk?

- Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's Lisa's.

She's on maternity.

She won't be back for weeks.

- Okay.

So I can get rid of this?

- Oh, god, I wish you would.

- Okay, see you at nine.

- Oh, actually, we start at 10 here.

Or nine.

Let's start at nine.

- What's this?

- That, Daniel, is the much ballyhooed cosmo.

Try it.

Well?

- Yeah, it's all right.

- I thought you might like it.

- How come you haven't got one?

- Oh, I don't drink cocktails.

They're for girls. (chuckles)

- You're such an idiot.

- See?

A laugh, a smile.

I knew you still love me.

- Oh, shut up you pillock.

- All unpacked?

- Yes.

And I've put our little dolly in one of those drawers.

And let me tell you this.

If I hear so much as a squeak from it during the night,

I am out of here.

Are you circling programs you're going to watch?

- Of course.

How do you do it?

- Well, I don't.

(keys jingle) - Oh, oh, it's Barry.

I haven't told you anything, Roger.

Remember that.

I haven't told you anything!

- Yes, you do realize

you really haven't told me anything, don't you?

(Bianca mumbles)

- Oh, hey.

Hi, Roger.

- Hello.

- Roger's house has got mice,

so he's gonna be staying with us two or three days.

- Are you still okay to drop me off for the thing later?

- Yes, I am.

And I haven't said a word to anybody, have I, Roger?

- No.

- Right.

I best go get changed.

- And do your hair.

- What do I need to do my hair for?

They're not gonna be looking at my hair.

- Well, maybe not.

They'll most likely be concentrating on your legs,

but hair is very important too.

- I got a tryout for a professional club.

- Oh, seriously?

- Yes, and the reason I didn't tell anyone

is because I don't know how well I'm going to do.

- Oh, you'll do brilliantly!

You'll do brilliantly, won't he, Roger?

- You don't know that.

So please, stop getting so excited.

I'm supposed to be starting university next week

and look what happened there.

I just don't want to let anyone down again,

not myself, not you, and not dad.

- Don't you dare.

You have not let your father down,

and you've certainly never, never let me down ever.

You've grown up to be a good, kind, honest boy,

not like one of them,

what do you call them, Roger?

They wear them stripey things.

- Chavs.

- Chavs.

So you've got nothing to be ashamed of.

And if this trial thing doesn't work out,

you'll find another path.

And neither me nor your father

will think any less of you, all right?

- All right, sorry.

Thanks, Bianca.

- Go and get changed.

And do your hair.

(Bianca chuckles)

- She's still asleep.

Are you going?

- Yeah, let you have some relaxing mom time.

Hey, you fancy a quickie at the pub?

- [Denise] Oh, I could do, I suppose.

- Absolutely!

We should be better mates, you and me.

Karaoke on tonight.

- Ooh!

(Molly coos)

- See you, flower.

- Bye, Lisa.

- Bye.

- [Bradley] Well, can you do it or not?

- Yeah, I can do it.

What, this is the big favor,

you want me to build you a new kitchen?

- No, I'll pay you for this.

I'm guessing work's been a bit hard to come by

since you got out.

- Just a bit.

Well, if this isn't the favor, then what--

- [Tanya] Hello!

- Shit.

Right.

- Ah, there you are.

So you'll never guess what happened.

I got into town and I realized I've accidentally taken

your wallet instead of my purse again.

But not to worry.

It's not all about me, because look.

For Lisa and the baby.

What do you think?

- Yeah, well, it was gonna be a surprise,

but I've finally given in to your demands.

- You bought me a Greg!

- No, I bought you a Greg

who's gonna build you a new kitchen.

- Oh, my god!

Thank you so much.

- He's gonna be working here morning till night,

so I said he can stay out in the motor home.

- And we will bring you breakfast everyday,

or at least Ella will because I stay in bed till about 10.

Oh, Brad, you are the best.

- Hey, look.

Why don't you take that present over to Lisa's?

- Yup. - And then Greg and I

can go through logistics here.

Then when you get back, you can go through the catalog,

start picking out appliances.

- Okay, I will.

I will, I will.

- You wanna tell me exactly what's going on?

- You want a pint this time then, Dan?

- Yeah, I mean, you know, (mumbles) whatever you like.

- You want another cosmo, don't you?

- Whatever you're having.

- Dan, I, um,

kinda need to tell you something.

- What?

- I've sort of not quite been 100% honest

about a few things.

I was gonna tell you soon,

but I wanted to make sure we were still good first.

We are still good, aren't we, Dan?

- I fucking knew it!

Drinking cocktails in the middle of the fucking day.

How'd you do it, Rob?

I was the one who brought you here to talk to you!

- Cool, big bro, okay?

It's not as bad as you think,

nothing worth wigging out over.

- Just tell me!

- This isn't really just a visit.

I'm back for good.

Are you really not gonna let me explain?

- What's to explain?

You lied, just like you always do.

- I didn't lie per se.

I just told a version of the truth.

- And what version would that be?

- The one that made me sound like less of a loser.

Bruce Willis.

- I know who was in Die Hard, thank you.

- Look, there really was an overpaid job

in a swanky New York bar,

until about a month ago when I got fired.

And before you say anything,

no, I wasn't doing anything wrong.

I wasn't stealing.

I wasn't filling the box, nothing like that.

- People don't get fired for nothing.

- I slept with the boss's wife.

- You just said you weren't doing anything wrong!

- Legally.

I wasn't doing anything wrong legally.

And you know I paid mom back, don't you?

She tried to refuse it, of course,

I think because she liked the fact

that I actually achieved something,

that she'd made it happen, but I sent it back anyway.

Now do you see why I can't tell her?

- Then what are you gonna tell her, Robbie?

I mean, what's the plan here?

At some point, she's gonna realize

you don't seem to be in much of a rush to go back.

- Inverness.

- You paid her back?

- Yes.

- Mom never hears about what went on over there.

Clear?

You're just gonna tell her that you found something better

which means you really are

gonna have to find something better.

You've got two weeks.

- That mean you're gonna help me?

- When have I ever had a choice?

- See?

What a team.

- Hey! (chuckles)

Looks like the drinks are on the lads!

Whoo!

(mumbles) Fantastic!

Ooh!

- (chuckles) Oh, this is really nice.

- Yay!

I knew you'd love it.

So each of the crystals promotes future wellbeing.

So there's health, wealth and happiness.

- Oh, right, thank you.

- There's a little card inside explaining them all.

I'm really glad it's just you here, Lisa

because I really wanted a chance to talk to you.

- [Lisa] Really?

- Yeah.

I think it's time that we just, you know,

completely clear the air.

- There's no air to clear.

We're fine.

- No, I know, but I just, I want us to be more than people

who just, you know, nod to each other in driveways.

I mean, we were really good friends once, weren't we?

- Well, we were friendly.

- Exactly.

And we're so alike, aren't we?

- We are. (chuckles)

(Molly coos)

Oh, she's awake.

Two hours.

Is that usual?

- Oh, I wouldn't have a clue.

Oh, she's a little stunner, isn't she?

I'd like to say how lucky you are,

but I bet you're ready to scream at the next person

who says that by now, aren't you?

- Oh, no.

I know how lucky I am.

- Yeah, but that's what I mean.

It used to really get on my nerves.

It was like people thought they needed to keep reminding me

of the fact in case I forgot or something.

- Yeah, yeah, it is a little bit like that.

I mean, I've never felt anything like I feel for her

and lucky just doesn't do it justice.

I don't even think I can put it into words.

- Exactly.

But people always want you do, don't they?

It's like there's something wrong with you if you don't.

Do you know in the end, I was like,

"Sod you, you will never understand

"how much I love my daughter.

"I don't have to keep playing like mother earth

"just to prove it to you."

- [Barry] All right, have scary and sporty gone yet?

Oh.

- (chuckles) Yeah.

And posh is on her way out now.

So I'll see you later, Lisa.

- Yes, see you.

Oh, Tanya.

Thanks for that.

- Oh, what's this, a chandelier?

- You're bored, aren't you,

being stuck in the house all day?

- No.

- Yes, you are.

That's why you ran off to the shop.

- I ran off to the shop because I don't want to hear

about my daughter's mammary glands being discussed.

- Why don't we head out for half an hour,

go to The Dog and Dart?

What do you reckon?

- Are you sure you're not the one bored?

- Me?

No, I'm just thinking of you, dad.

Get the bogey.

- [Denise] Just popping to the loo.

- Hey, she's a mate, and she's got a fella and a kid.

So I'm giving you the red light there.

- Oh, leave him alone.

(mumbles) what she got for the ad campaign on the way over.

I'm half tempted to try it on with her myself.

(Pauline and Robbie laugh)

- Slow down!

What's crackalacking?

Hey!

Oh, karaoke.

How's about me and you doing a bit to The Proclaimers?

* When I wake up

* Then I know I'm gonna be

* I'm gonna be the

- Yeah, don't spoil it.

What do you think you're doing?

- Nice to see you too.

- You can't bring our baby to the pub.

- Why not?

What am I supposed to do then,

sit around me ass with her all day everyday?

- Yes.

- And what are you doing here?

And what on earth is that?

- A cosmo.

- Oh, so that's the deal, is it?

I take care of our daughter

and you sit in the pub all day sipping cocktails.

Nice, Dan.

- So how did it go?

- Not good.

- Oh.

Well, that's,

that's okay. (sobs)

- Bianca, why are you,

I was joking.

- Joking?

- Yes!

Look, they've offered me a spot.

It's only reserves, but it's official, wage and everything.

- Oh!

- I'm sorry, I was messing.

- Now, can we tell people?

- Maybe wait till the morning, keep it our secret tonight.

- We can tell Roger though!

- Yes, we can tell Roger.

And then tomorrow, you can hold a press conference.

- Why didn't you tell me Robbie gave you that loan back?

- What loan?

- The grand you gave him when he left for New York.

You know how pissed off I was about that.

He did pay you back, right?

- Oh, that.

I've forgotten all about it.

He did, yeah.

Anyway, I don't have to tell you

all my ingoings and outgoings.

You're not England Revenue.

- You're in here all day working,

then you're out there in the motor home all night.

You're never more than 12 yards away from them

at any one time.

- Exactly how much danger are they in?

- Stick to what I say, none.

Neither will you be.

- And you?

- Every morning at 10 a.m., you'll get a text message.

It'll be blank.

If you ever look at your watch and it's 10:01

and that message is not there,

you get them out of the house and you drive.

- Are you gonna give me any idea what this is about?

- I used to work with someone.

I stopped working for them.

He didn't like it.

(mumbles) he couldn't find us.

Today, he did.

- And now?

- Now I'm working with him again

for as long as it takes me to dissolve the partnership,

permanently.

Tanya is to know none of this.

As far as she's concerned, I'm just away on business again.

- Why don't you just run?

- Because I promised them a normal life.

Besides, she's expecting a new kitchen.

- Hey.

Are we celebrating?

- Yeah, I think so.

We're pretty much in agreement.

We are, aren't we, Greg?

- Yay!

- You go make yourself at home.

I need a quick word with Tanya.

- Quick word about what?

- Come on, Dan.

Can I sign us up?

We don't have to do The Proclaimers.

There's loads of other double acts.

Renee and Renato.

- No, I'm not in the mood, Bars.

- You're in a mood.

- I'll sing with you, Barry.

- No, you won't.

Barry's my singing partner, not yours.

- But you just said you didn't want to.

- Oh, come on.

Me and you will do one.

- Right.

I'm going solo then.

- I've made a decision, Dan.

I'm going back to work.

- What?

- Just a couple of half days a week

just to keep me in there, stop meself from going potty.

- I think you've already gone potty.

Who's meant to be looking after Molly

while you're doing that?

- What, you're saying you can't take a couple of half days

off a week to help me out?

- No, I can't.

I work nine to five everyday, always have.

- What, like today, you mean?

- That was different.

I was dealing with a family crisis.

Anyway, where is this even coming from?

You were fine this morning.

- No, I wasn't!

I thought I was

because that's what I thought I was supposed to be.

But then I spoke to Tanya--

- Oh, Tanya?

- She speaks quite a lot of sense, actually, sometimes.

- Right.

Well, we'll discuss this later.

In the meantime, you're gonna have to take Molly home now.

- [Lisa] Why don't you take her home?

- Because I wasn't the one

who decided to drag her down here and...

- Shh.

- What are you doing, Barry?

- Getting her away from you two.

She don't wanna hear her mom and dad squabbling.

She'll go loco if you leave her stuck at home, this one.

I've seen it before with your mom.

- Mom?

- She was just the same.

In the end, it were me that had to take paternity.

Very unusual back then.

I don't think they even had a name for it.

The happiest days of my life.

So you get back to work, eh, and I'll look after her.

That's what I was put on this earth to do, you know.

- Dan?

- Fine with me.

She's gonna be in better hands.

Are you sure you don't mind, Bars?

- On one condition.

You both take her home now, because if there's one thing

I'm better at than raising kids, that's karaoke.

(Lisa and Barry chuckle)

- Come here.

- I'll get the bogey.

- [Barry] You got her.

- Oh, darling, yeah. (chuckles)

* Don't go breaking my heart

* I couldn't if I tried

(Pauline laughs)

* Oh, honey, if I get restless

* Baby, you're not that kind

(Pauline laughs)

* Don't go breaking my heart

* You take the weight off of me *

* Oh, honey, when you knock on my door *

* Ooh, I gave you my key

(Pauline laughs)

* Ooh

* I can't do without it

* I can't do without it

* You're my baby, baby

* I can't do, no, no

* I can't do without

* Your love, your love

* Oh, yeah

* I can't do without it

* I can't do without it

* You're my baby, baby

* I can't do without it

* I can't do without it

* You're my baby, baby

* I can't do, no, no

* I can't do without

* Your love, your love

* Oh, yeah

(upbeat music)