Original subtitles

(gentle tinkling music)

("Mount Pleasant Theme Tune")

- So, give him two of these in the morning,

and two around six o'clock.

- Greedy bleeder.

- Try not to give him anything in between.

I mean, the odd slice of pate on toast is all right.

but not much else.

- Pate on toast?

He'll be lucky to get half a digestive.

That's the problem these days, people think dogs are babies.

- Pauline, to my mother, he is a baby.

- And don't forget to let him out

straight after he's had a drink.

- Which is usually just after he's had a bite to eat.

- Much else?

Will he want a full body massage?

Pedicure, testicles tickling?

- Are you sure this is a good idea?

Don't you think we should just put him in the kennels?

- Kennels?

Alan, he'll die of fright, the poor little sod.

I promised mom that you don't mind.

You don't mind, do you, Pauline?

- Do I buggery mind.

Nice little earner, a tenner a day.

You did say a tenner a day, didn't you?

- Yes, Pauline.

I did say a tenner a day.

- Aw you and me are gonna get on famously, aren't we, kid?

- A whole bloody week, just me and thee.

(laughs)

- Are these me sarnies?

Better not be cheese, or anything remotely vegetarian.

- Beef and onion, Charlie.

- Good girl.

Put hairs on my chest that will.

- Well, who'd believe it, eh?

They've finally got him up off his arse and doing summat.

- Don't hold your breath.

It's only a bit of laboring.

- Only?

He's been moaning for the past 20 minutes

and I only asked him to put my tools in the van.

- You should feel the weight of them.

- Hey, you're talking yourself out of a job here,

I could get a local lad from the college,

pay half the rate, and get twice the stuff done.

And you can't wear that.

- What's wrong with it?

- What's right with it?

- I think he means it's not quite

what a plumber's mate should wear.

- I'm a plumber's dad.

Not a plumber's mate.

Look, do you want me to help you or not?

- Come on.

- Do him good, a bit of graft.

- That's why I suggested it in the first place.

He can't stop on my sofa forever.

I thought he might earn a bit of money

and get himself somewhere else to live, eh?

Right, come on, you.

Let's go and find you a Rottweiler to play with.

(whimsical music)

- Gary?

Gary!

- What?

- It's 10 to eight.

- Yeah, I know.

Five minutes after you told me it was quarter to,

amazing that.

- You need to get a move on.

- All right, keep your hair on.

- Agh!

(whimsical music)

- Oh, ta, love.

Same time tomorrow?

- Yeah, OK, thanks.

- Come on, you.

- Oh, Denise, what are you doing here?

- You do that every day, do you?

- It's perfectly normal I'd want to see him.

He's a lot like Emily.

She's the image of me and all.

- It was chaos when we were cavemen.

The fellas used to climb on whichever girl took their fancy.

There was no way of anyone knowing which baby was theirs.

Nowadays, we're supposed to be civilized.

Nowadays, we get married and stick to the one partner.

- You knew what you were doing when we were at it.

- "At it".

Now, there's a title for a love story if ever I heard one.

- You know what I meant.

- You don't even know he's yours, not really.

I mean, what if I was seeing someone else

whilst I was seeing you?

- What's that, a desperate attempt

at your next move to ignore me?

- Your name's not on the birth certificate.

What you gonna do?

Drag me on Jeremy Kyle for a test?

In front of 50 million people?

Not sure your wife's gonna like that.

- I've already told you, haven't I, she knows everything.

- It's a lie.

- No, it's not.

Jane was the one who told me to go to the solicitor, Denise.

I told her about you and me.

She forgave me.

We've worked it out, and we're giving it another go.

I'm not the bastard you think I am.

And the courts will see that,

when they've looked at everything.

'Cause they will look at everything, Denise.

Including the fact that Jane is prepared

to help me when I get joint custody of my son.

- Morning!

- Morning, mate.

- Morning, Denise.

Bright and early?

Ready to make a start?

- Ready as I'll ever be.

(upbeat music)

(doorbell ringing)

- Good morning, Reconnect Recruitment, Denise speaking,

how may I be of assistance?

No, you can't.

Bye.

- That is no way to speak to a potential customer.

- It was just a cold caller.

- How do you know that?

- They were asking for Shelley.

- Who was asking for Shelley?

- Just a cold caller.

- Did you get rid of them?

- Yes. - Ah, good work.

- Kim!

- Hiya!

- I've just come from yours,

I thought you'd be having breakfast!

Early birds in this joint, aren't you?

- Kim, this is Shelley, Shelley, this is Kim.

- Hi.

- Hi, Kim.

At last, I've heard so much about you.

- Yeah, me too.

About you, I mean.

- So are you going somewhere nice, are you?

- Oh, er I wish.

These are for you.

I hope it's OK me coming here?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

- Thought they'd come in handy for your holiday.

I won them at work.

- What was it, a raffle?

- Er Colleague of the Month.

My boss is great.

He gets us prizes, Spa days, nights away,

luggage, all sorts, really.

- What a great idea.

- They're a bit his and hers-ey for my liking,

but I thought you and Dan might like them for your trip?

- That's so kind of you.

Isn't that kind of her?

- Watch your back, Mother Theresa.

- Thank you so much.

- You must be well excited?

- Oh, I can't wait!

Do you fancy coming round later?

I'm having a pina colada and curry night.

To get us in the holiday mode, eh, Shell?

- Yeah, come, it'd be lovely.

- Great, thanks, I will, actually.

- All girls together, it'll be great.

Won't it, Denise?

- What time?

- About seven? - Perfect.

See you then.

- Bye!

- Tell you what would be really nice round here.

Colleague of the Week prize.

That'd be ruddy marvelous, never mind really nice.

- Is there a problem, Denise?

Denise?

- Shelley, I need you in here.

- All right, yeah, just give us a second.

Well?

- I said I need you in here.

- Right, well Denise, a pot of coffee if you don't mind.

Hot and strong, please.

- What the hell is the matter with you?

- Nothing. - Denise?

- I said nothing!

- Gary.

Gary!

What do you call these?

- Get in!

- Gary?

- What?

- What do you call these?

- Shin pads.

- And where do they belong?

- What are you doing?

- I'm getting your attention.

- They're shin pads and they belong in the cupboard.

I was in a hurry, all right?

- There's no need to get lippy.

- Yeah well there's no need for you to go on.

All you've done the past two friggin' days is go on.

- Don't use the F word in here.

- Friggin isn't the F word.

- Oh, yes, it friggin' is.

(suspenseful music)

(knocking on door)

- Hello.

Hi, I'm Denise.

- Oh, 'em Hello, Denise.

- I hope I haven't disturbed you.

I'm really sorry about all the trouble I've caused you.

But as a mommy to a mommy, can you please listen to me?

Don't let him take my baby away.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- You've got your own, you don't need mine.

- I don't want yours.

Why would I want yours?

- He wants to see my son.

He keeps asking to see him.

I told him to stay away.

- Listen, love, who are you and what do you want?

I'm busy.

- Me and Fergus had an affair.

I had a baby too.

His baby.

He told me you knew.

I thought you knew!

I'm so sorry.

- Denise!

- Got to let the steam out whilst it cooks.

James Martin said the pricks are the most important bit.

God, he's a dish that one.

- Looks nice.

- Do you think so?

Thanks.

Have you done your room?

- Not yet, no.

- But it needs tidying.

- What, right now?

- Would you mind doing it before tea?

- Bianca, you need to get a life.

Get a hobby or something.

Like my dad did with the planes.

(somber music)

- And you bloody believed him?

- I was scared.

He frightened me.

You'll believe stuff if you're scared,

if you think someone's going to take your baby.

You would if it was you, I promise you, you would.

- If you're lying to me...

- This is my boy.

I swear on his life, I am not lying.

And this is a letter from Fergus' solicitor.

That's why I came to see you.

To ask you to leave me and my boy alone.

- Hello!

Are we packed then?

- Every last bit.

- No more work for a week, no more work for a week.

- Oh good day?

- Oh, he's worked his little nads off, haven't you, Dad?

I'm gonna run a bath.

- For me, thanks, son.

- For me, you wuss.

- Bet that feels good?

- He's killed me.

He's stripped me of my manhood and dignity.

Ooh I like mine with chips.

Are you doing chips?

- Has he not mentioned?

I want you out tonight, both of you.

The girls are round.

Dan's going to the pub, why don't you go with him?

- I've had his face in mine all day.

I was looking forward to a bit of downtime

with my daughter-in-law and some home cooked grub.

- Ahh!

Hey, why don't you give Pauline a ring?

Ask her out on that date?

Now you've got the money to do it.

What d'you reckon, eh?

(phone ringing)

Hello?

- You're gonna kill me.

- Oh, what's the matter love?

- I can't make it, I'm really sorry.

- Oh, what a shame, are you OK?

- Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just held up at work.

It's just gone mad here today.

- Nightmare. - I know.

I'm sorry.

Listen, have an amazing time!

I want a postcard and a sombrero, OK?

- More than OK!

- Text me when you land.

Have a great time, both of you.

You deserve it.

- Thanks, love.

See you next week!

(upbeat music)

(knocking on door)

- Hi, Bianca.

- Can I pester you for something?

- Not sex, I hope?

- Erm No, not really.

- That's a shame.

I'm playing with you, just teasing, Bianca.

- I know!

Although I can't be responsible for my actions,

if you really do want to pester me for that.

(Bianca laughs)

- Seriously, though?

- I'm all ears.

- I'm really struggling with Gary.

- How do you mean?

- I know you don't want to open any old wounds,

but you do have a teenage son

and no-one else round here does.

There isn't anyone else I can ask.

I just don't know what to do with him.

(phone ringing)

- What the frig do you want?

- Charming.

I've got a proposition for you.

- Well, hurry up, I'm busy.

And starving.

- Well, in that case, I reckon your answer might be yes.

Fancy a bite to eat, my shout?

- Right.

- Every time I ask him to do something,

he just pulls a face.

- Perfectly normal.

- Every time I try and get him out of bed,

he just wants to sleep.

- Perfectly normal.

- Every time we have a conversation,

it ends up in an argument.

- That's perfectly normal.

- How can I change him?

How can I make him play by the rules?

- Do you really want to change him?

- Maybe not change him.

But how can I make him do stuff?

- Do what?

- Tidy his room for a start?

- Do you really need to be in there?

- It's a pigsty.

- And he is the pig.

Let him fester in it.

That's what I did with Jake.

Before I left.

- But you do still see him?

I mean, he's gonna come and visit?

Oh, I'm so sorry, I have no right to pry.

- You're not prying.

- But if it's raw, don't feel like you have to share it.

- I will share it.

One day.

Just not at the moment, if you don't mind.

- Of course.

I'm sorry, I best be getting back.

I think I know what I need to do now.

Gary was right.

I've just got to back off a bit.

- He's so lucky to have you.

- Thanks, cock, you've been so helpful.

I'll see myself out.

- Anytime you want to pester me, you just knock.

- I will do. - Even for sex.

- You're having fun with me again, aren't you?

- Indeed I am, Bianca.

- Oh!

- Indeed I am.

- Ta I've picked up the euros,

the factor 50's in the case, the Sambuca's on ice

and we're ready to roll, baby.

- All right, all right, don't rub it in.

I'm jealous enough as it is.

- You should get away yourself mate.

What's the point of earning all this dosh

if you don't splash out on the odd jolly somewhere sunny?

- What, on my own, like a right sad bastard?

- What about with Shelley?

Might do you both a bit of good, a bit of a break?

- We're supposed to be cooling off.

- Supposed to be?

- She came over again.

- What for this time?

- She forgot her brush.

- And how were things between you?

- So-so.

- So-so?

- Awkward. - Still?

- If I'm honest.

I don't know what's the matter with him.

It's like he's lost all sense of humor.

But, if he wants a battle, he's got one, I tell you that.

- Ola!

- Hi, mom, hiya, Sue!

- Hello, Shelley!

- Hi, Auntie Pam!

- Hello, Missus Sausage, all packed?

- Yes!

- I'm sending her off with a couple of these, ladies.

- Well, you'll be in good company round

this neck of the woods!

- How's Greg, Shelley?

- Touchy subject.

- If it's any consolation,

me and Colin had a two-year separation in the 1990s.

We got back together again after Diana died.

There's nothing like a national tragedy

to put things into perspective, is there, doll?

- No, no, Flossy.

(doorbell ringing)

I'll go.

- Right, mom, I'll text you when we land

and I'll see you next Monday night, then, yeah?

- Can't wait!

Bye, Auntie Pam!

- Bye! - Adios!

- I'm really sorry about today.

I was totally out of order

and I promise it won't happen again.

- Are you OK?

- I've done something.

- What? - What?

- I went round to see his wife.

- [Both] What!

(doorbell ringing)

- Did it hurt?

- What?

- When you fell out of heaven?

Gets her every time.

- I don't think so.

You're gonna have to work a lot harder than that

to get this old bird's attention.

So, where you taking me?

- Harvey's.

They're doing a pie promotion.

Half-price steak and ale and a free half of lager.

- Now that, on the other hand, sunshine,

is talk that'll move mountains.

- Nothing?

- God's honest.

He told her absolutely nothing.

- He really is a bastard, isn't he?

- Look, I know that he's been a tosser

but I think you should be aware,

he is under a lot of pressure at the moment.

- What pressure?

Somebody's been leaning on his cock and he's gone lame?

- Seriously.

Don't say anything, I mean it.

- Why, what's up?

- We're waiting on a decision for a big loan

to fund that new client.

- Hogans? - Yeah.

And it's not looking good.

Fergus is feeling the pressure.

I even found myself feeling sorry for him today.

- Don't tell me you've been had over by him now, too?

- No, but everyone fucks up in their private life,

sometimes, don't they?

- True.

- Oh my God.

He's really sucked you in, hasn't he?

- No, no.

I just think you should consider everything

that he's got on his plate at the moment, that's all.

- So you're basically on his side?

- Who said anything about sides?

- I'm really sorry.

But I've got to go.

- Denise, stop marching off all the time will ya.

- Denise, you don't have to go.

- No.

I really do.

(dramatic music)

- Table for two?

- Yes, love.

- Do you want to come through now

or would you like a drink at the bar first?

- Did the bear shit on the Pope?

- Never let food get in the way of a good drink.

- No, no, no.

(knocking on door)

Jane!

Jane!

Jane?

- [Both] Tres, dos, uno!

- Oh!

- Hey, guess who I saw at the Dog and Dart last night?

- Who?

- Ratty Pete.

He's still got the caravan in Rhyl.

- Has he?

- Yeah, I was thinking, you and me,

maybe we could go there for a long weekend?

- At this time of year, you'll freeze your bollocks off.

- Not if I was under the covers,

with you keeping them warm for me.

- Cheeky bleeder.

- Let me come back, Pauline.

I could stay on the sofa.

I don't expect you to let me back in your bed straight away.

- It's gonna take a lot more than a couple of pints

and a bag of dry roasted to get any measure

of my affection, Casanova.

Now get me another tequila, you old stud,

and I might let you escort me home.

(laughs)

- Hey? - What?

- What do you reckon?

For old time's sake?

Shall we do it?

Now.

- Now?

- Dare you.

- Dare you, more like.

- You're on.

Just up here on the left, love, thanks.

- Bear with me, pal, I just need to pop in

and get my cash stash.

How much do I owe you?

- A tenner, mate.

- The key!

You've got the wrong key!

Sorry, love, he's got the wrong bloody key.

Senile bastard.

Two seconds, love.

(upbeat music)

(laughs)

- Bastards!

- Remember when we did it in Whalley Range?

- That driver nearly had a thrombo.

- And Withington.

- And Failsworth.

- Oh, and that time in Blackpool?

- Oh, Easter?

- When we locked the eggs in the boot of the car.

- Poor Dan, he was heartbroken.

- I'm heartbroken, Pauline.

- Are you buggery.

- I've never really known how to live without you.

That's why I wanted to take you out tonight.

I needed to tell you how I feel.

And that's why I've sorted out those robbing little bastards

that keep knocking on your door,

trying to fleece you for your last quid.

- You what?

- The bailiffs.

- I know who you mean.

- Yeah, well I've sorted it.

- What do you mean you've sorted it?

- Paid them off.

Got rid of the bleeders.

- Paid them off, how much did you give them?

- It doesn't matter, I've sorted it.

- All of it?

- Every last bit.

I'm here to look after you.

I want to protect you, Pauline.

- You've really done that?

For me?

- You're my girl.

Always have been.

Always will be.

- Oh, Charlie.

(smooth music)

- Delicious!

- Morning, campers!

- Are you all set, then?

- Yeah, I think so!

- Well, before you go,

we've got something important to tell you.

- Oh, shit this sounds dodgy already.

- It looking dodgy now, too.

- We ended up copping off last night.

- Copping off?

- Yeah, y'know had a bit of a mattress mambo.

- Shizzle on the old nizzle.

- I know what it means!

- Well, that's fantastic.

- Don't get excited.

We're just taking it one day at a time.

- It's absolutely wonderful!

We get our house back now.

- Well, I was thinking actually...

- What were you thinking?

- Seeing as though you want me to mind Alan.

- Yeah, and it's only five days.

- Yeah, we were going to suggest

that we just move in here whilst you're on holiday?

Saves any upheaval for him.

Poor little mutt's been dragged from pillar to post

these past couple of weeks.

Last thing anyone needs is a doggie breakdown.

- And what the fuck is a doggie breakdown?

- I think that's a great idea.

- Do you?

- As long as I have your word,

that the minute we get back, you both go back home.

That's both of you?

The pair of you, all two of you?

- If she'll have me.

- Course I'll have you.

- Well, that's fantastic.

(smooth music)

- What's that for?

- For you.

- Thank you!

- I wanted to say sorry for being a bit of a dick.

- Less of the D word, please.

- Sorry knob, I've been a bit of a knob.

- No, you weren't.

I think it's me that's been the knob.

- I mean, I just don't see the point in tidying my bedroom.

- It's fine.

You're right, actually.

- I'm right?

- I've decided, if you want to be a pig,

I'm going to let you go ahead and be one.

Is that OK?

- That's top.

- I just want us to be friends.

What do you reckon?

- Ace.

- This is ace.

- Thanks, Bianca.

- Pleasure, treasure.

(upbeat jaunty music)

- Er what are you doing here?

- Nice to see you and all.

I'm driving them to the airport.

- No, you're not.

- I think you'll find I am.

- I'm taking them to the airport, I sorted it with Lisa.

- Yeah, and I sorted it with Dan.

(doorbell ringing)

- Not shoving, I'm walking at a faster pace that's all.

- Listen, Shell, I don't even care any more.

- Right, you said I could drive you to the airport,

didn't you? - Yes, love.

- Ha, see?

- I'm sure she did say that

but you asked me in the pub, didn't you?

- Yes, mate. - Ha, see?

- I'm sure there's no need to fall out over it, kids.

- I've got the bigger car.

- Why don't we just use that then?

- Because I wanted to take you.

- Why don't you just come along?

- We'll all go together.

- Well that seems a bit pointless, don't it?

- Hey, love?

Guess who's pulled?

- For fuck's sake, Mother!

- Have you? - We have!

- That's fantastic, isn't that fantastic?

- You two should try it.

It's really no mither once you're back on the horse.

- Horse?

(neighs)

- I'll load the car, where are the cases?

- Front room.

- Keys!

- Call me if you need anything, all right?

- I won't need anything, and Alan will be fine.

Now, just go off and enjoy the sunshine.

- Thank you.

- Bye, kid. - See ya, love.

- See you later.

- Come on then.

- See ya. - See ya.

Ta-ra.

Let the fun and games begin, eh?

- Hey-hey!

- Have a brilliant time. - Thanks love.

- See you next week. - See you later,

Have a good 'un.

- Cheers, mate!

- Go on, then, drive.

What's up?

- Those bags, there, their cases.

I've seen them somewhere before.

- Her mate Kim gave her them.

- Kim?

- Yeah.

D'you know her?

- Sort of.

- Sort of?

- It doesn't matter.

- Obviously it does.

- It doesn't.

Why did she get the cases off Kim?

- She won them at work.

Employee of the Month or something.

- Lisa?

- No, Kim, Kim won them, she gave them to Lisa.

- So, she gave them the holiday and the cases?

- Oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah, she did.

- When I went to her office,

there were a few of those cases there.

- You went to her office?

So you do know her then?

- I had a meeting at a builder's in Trafford Park.

I got the wrong unit, I went in and that's when I saw her.

She works there.

- What kind of unit?

- Over at the container base.

The prefabs, where she works.

- Prefab, she works for a corporate bank.

- No, she doesn't. - Yes, she does.

- No, she doesn't.

- Are you absolutely sure your mom won't neglect Alan?

- Why would she do that?

- Because she's back with your dad and she's distracted?

- Don't talk about it.

I don't want to talk about it.

I just want to get on that plane and order a nice cold beer.

- So do I.

It's like a dream come to true, isn't it?

- How well do you know her then?

- Not that well.

- How well?

- Quite well.

- Just tell me how well.

- Why is this of any relevance?

- Just tell me.

- OK.

We met in a bar a couple of months back.

- What, you and Kim?

- There is no me and Kim, we just met.

- Did you shag her?

- It's not relevant.

- It is relevant, did you shag her?

- OK, we slept together.

- You slept with Kim?

- Just once.

Shelley, we weren't together, remember.

We'd split up.

We are no longer a couple.

- But you've shagged her?

- You honestly think I've been celibate since we split?

- We were in bed together last week!

God, how many others have you banged?

- None, not whilst we got back together.

- Oh, right but you have whilst we were apart?

- I don't know what your problem is.

- Just tell me the truth, Greg.

Were we together when you shagged Kim?

- No!

Do you have to keep mentioning her like that?

- It's you that keeps mentioning her.

It's you that's been having the affair!

- It was not an affair.

And just stop making this all about yourself

for a minute, will you?

Can't you see how weird it all is?

That she gave them the holiday

and then she gave them the cases?

Think about it.

- And she lied about her job.

- It's not right, is it?

- No.

- [Both] Oh, shit.

(dramatic music)

- Sorry, sorry

- All right, mate?

- What's up, what's the matter?

- I really need a word.

- What? - Here?

- Well, over there, preferably.

- What's going on?

- If I promise you this is serious,

but you've got to act normal, would you trust me?

- No.

- Oh my God, is it my mother?

- No, no, Lisa.

- Is it Alan?

Has his bleedin' mother murdered the dog already?

- It's got nothing to do with Alan, OK.

Everybody's fine.

- Just come on.

- But we're going on holiday.

- Just come.

- If we lose our place in the queue,

they won't let us on the plane.

- They'll bang you both up before then, Lisa,

if you don't get your arse moving now.

- Oh my God it's drugs.

- What kind of drugs?

- Put it this way, it's not a stash of paracetamol.

- Oh my God.

What if we'd got on the plane?

- We didn't get on the plane.

- But what if we did?

- Who the hell are they for?

- How the hell do I know?

- She's obviously a supplier.

- Excuse me a minute Greg,

I think you've known me long enough to know

I don't supply anything.

- Not you, you dick.

- Kim.

- Kim, don't be stupid.

- Free holiday, here's your suitcases?

Think about it.

- It can't be.

- I hate to say it, but that's how it looks, Lisa.

- With half a ton of Columbian marching powder

stuffed in our bags, I'm afraid to say

I think he's right, babes.

- I can't believe this.

I can't actually take it in.

- Nor can I.

What a total cow!

- Where is she?

Phone her, the bitch!

- And say what?

- Tell her we've not got on the plane.

See what she says then, go on.

- Go on, Lise. - Go on, just call her.

- Now? - Now!

(phone ringing)

- Hiya! - What's going on?

- Pardon?

- We haven't checked in and we're not going to.

I think you should to tell me what the hell is going on?

She cut me off!

(dramatic music)

What am I going to tell everyone?

- Tell them nothing.

We'll just say you had a dicky fit

and couldn't get on the plane.

- And what the fuck is a dicky fit?

- Sudden-found phobia, fear of flying.

You panicked, decided to stay.

- It's not a bad idea, Lise.

- And who's gonna believe that?

I've been talking about getting on that flight

for the last two weeks!

- It was all bullshit, wasn't it?

- What?

- Her husband leaving her.

- Her job.

- The restaurant, when she started crying.

She knew exactly what she was doing.

We must look a right pair of mugs.

- Don't be stupid, mate.

Not mugs.

It's got fuck all to do with being a mug.

- What a total bitch!

- What am I going to tell my mom?

- I'll speak to your mom.

- We'll have to call the police.

- No, we won't.

- He's got a car load of coke here.

- That I can just chuck in the Mersey.

- But you love this car.

- The coke, you idiot, not the fucking car.

- All right, no need to get arsey.

- What if she comes after us?

We've ruined her plans.

What if she's the mafia and she's fuming?

- She's not the bleedin' mafia.

- She'll be long gone by now.

It's the person that was gonna meet you at the other end

that'll be fuming, and it's Kim they'll be after.

You're well out of it.

You're best off just going home

and trying to forget about it.

- Forget about it?

I thought she was my friend.

(dramatic music)

- Don't ask.

- What's happened?

- I need you to do me a favor.

- What, son?

- Get your coats, ask no questions, and just leave.

- What, now?

- That's a question. - Yes, now.

- Are you all right, son? - That's another question.

- We're fine, mom.

- We just didn't go on holiday, that's all.

- Why not? - We said no questions.

- Lisa had a dicky fit.

- What the fuck is a dicky fit?

- Mom, please!

We just want our house back, is that OK?

- Course it is, kids, come on.

(somber music)

- I don't want any more new best friends.

- And I don't want any more stray parents.

- When are people gonna stop?

- Stop what?

- Taking advantage of us.

- Maybe we have got mug tattooed on our foreheads after all.

- Yeah, magnets for waifs and strays and weirdos.

- When all we really want is a quiet life.

(doorbell ringing)

- Who's that?

- Just leave it.

- Leave it? - Yeah bloody leave it.

I mean it, this is it.

No more Mr and Mrs Nice.

The doorbell can go swivel.

(doorbell ringing)

- What if they've come to get us?

- Who? - The mafia.

- Don't be so stupid.

- No I know, I'm sorry.

It's probably just the window cleaner.

I'll tell him to piss off, he can come back next week.

- Hiya, Lisa.

I've got so much to explain to you, I really have.

But before I do, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

("Mount Pleasant Theme Tune")