Original subtitles

(soft music)

(upbeat theme music)

(lively music)

- Big and bouncy dot com at this time of the day?

- Don't ask.

Your bleedin' mother.

- Not on big and bouncy dot com I hope?

- Do me a favor.

She's asked me to set up a call to your Aunty Pam again.

- She misses her.

- She should get your dad to buy her a laptop then,

instead of pissing about with mine all the time.

- [Sue] Yoohoo!

It's only me.

- Right, it's all set up.

Just, double click on dial, it's ready to go.

- Oh, thanks, love.

Hey, guess what?

- What?

- Just guess.

- You got a re-tweet from George Michael?

- No, be realistic, chicken fluff.

- Have they guessed yet?

- You've won something?

- Ish.

- Can't you just tell us?

- Selected.

- To take part in something?

- Bingo, kidder you're getting warmer by the millisecond.

We, kids, have been selected for

the over-50s regional ice skating final in October.

- That's fantastic.

- We're going choosing outfits after I've talked to

your Aunty Pam and your dad's done your bulbs.

- What bulbs?

- Do you want that lift or not?

- Definitely.

See you, Mum! - Bye.

- See you, Dad! - Bye.

- [Sue] Byeúbye, Chicks, bye.

- [Lisa] Hiya, love.

- Hiya Lisa it's me.

Can you apologize to Shelly.

- Why luv, what's happened?

- My job.

I can't do it.

I just can't go in.

- Course you can.

You know that job like the back of your hand.

- But I don't want to leave Joshua, Lisa.

- Where are you?

- John Leigh Park.

- Wait there.

- Detour?

- [Lisa] Do you mind?

(soft music)

- Happy birthday, Bianca.

- Thank you.

- Where's Dad?

- In his shed.

You really are very kind doing this.

You really didn't need to go to all this trouble.

- He's forgotten, hasn't he?

- Has he heck.

He's just busy with his stealth bomber.

- In other words, yes.

- Don't give it another thought.

We hardly bother with birthdays in this household anyway.

It's just another year, means nothing, really.

- And did you ask him about coming to watch me play?

- I did mention it, yes.

- And?

- I think he's worried it's going to clash with his show.

- But the show's not till next week.

- I mean preparing for his show.

- Preparing his stealth bomber?

- Yes, cock.

- There's a pattern forming here isn't there.

- [Bianca] It doesn't matter.

- He forgets your birthday.

- He hasn't forgotten.

- And he can't be arsed watching

me play football. - He's a busy man.

- Who doesn't give a shit about anyone other than himself.

- That's not true.

And curb the language, potty mouth.

- Sorry.

Enjoy your brekkie.

I'm going for a kick about.

- It's amazing, really, when you think about it,

we've been whittled down from over 20 couples!

- That's smashing.

Ooh, it's all go, isn't it?

Guess what's been happening here?

- I'm all ears.

- The extension's finished.

- Already?

- Yeah I've got a few more things to do with the spare room

but it'll be finished by next week.

Well, have you mentioned to Barry yet?

- Not yet.

- Hiya, Pam!

- Talk of the devil!

Go on, tell him.

- He's gone.

- Gone?

Barry! - No.

He's planting his bulbs.

- Well, the moment the wardrobes are in

I want you both to come over.

What is the point in a spare room if nobody uses it?

(soft music)

- I just couldn't take him in.

- Nothing's changed since you took him for his half day,

though, when you think about it.

- Everything's changed.

It was only till 12.

This is totally different.

This is till half bloody five.

- You can call them every 20 minutes,

like they suggested, if you really need to?

- I'll look neurotic.

- So?

You've got a baby.

Isn't that what everybody is when they've got a baby?

- Suppose so.

- [Lisa] So you won't be letting

the side down then, will you?

- I'll be letting you down.

I can't do my job properly anymore.

- But that's not happened yet, has it?

- No.

- So we can cross that bridge when we come to it, can't we?

And, in the meantime, your son has got lots

of new friends to make, hasn't he?

- Yeah.

Suppose he has.

- Well, get your arse in gear cos they'll

be waiting for him, just like Reconnect is waiting for you.

Come on.

- But what about Alan?

- What about him?

- I'm not putting him into quarantine.

What if they put him in with a Great Dane?

I'd never forgive myself.

- They've got doggie passports these days.

They don't need quarantine.

Stop making excuses, Sue.

It's 85 out there at the moment.

Not a single cloud.

Look at the color of that.

- But you've had four rehearsals already this week.

- And we need four more.

- Can't you ask Richard or one of the

others to cover for you just this once?

It's an important match and he wants you to watch him.

- I know, but Vincent is going to the rehearsal

and we can't be seen to be missing it.

- Who's Vincent?

- Vincent Rodriguez.

- You've lost me.

- The health and safety inspector.

We've got to run through the display tomorrow morning.

Every airplane, every pilot.

- You're not pilots.

You don't drive the planes.

You control them.

Play with them.

Mess about with them, Jim, if I'm really honest.

Why can't you see that just this once,

let someone take over and go and see your son play football?

It's all he wants.

I can cope with you forgetting it's my birthday, Jim,

but it's you ignoring your son's wish to watch him kick

a ball about that I'm struggling with.

Sorry.

- Hey, what do you think?

* We're caught in a trap

- Elvis has had his day, love.

* I can't walk out.

If we're to be noticed, we need to be contemporary.

* Because I love ya too much baby *

Pillock alert!

Pillock alert!

- What about Michael Buble?

- Ah, now, cabaret, that's good.

* Fly me to the moon

- I can't skate to that. - Why not?

Big band week, like they do on the X Factor?

- What about country and western?

- Oh, takes years off you, that does.

- Does it?

* Don't tell my heart my achy breaky heart *

* I just don't think they'd understand. *

- Can I help you?

- I think we're beyond help, love, if we're really honest.

Don't you?

(lively music)

- Aw, is he?

Did he?

And he's not even cried?

Not even a bit?

Aw, thanks so much.

I'll call back in half an hour if that's okay?

Okay, then thanks bye.

- And today's buzzwords, pilgrims, are hit and target!

Hi, Denise.

- Hello.

- Really lovely to have you back.

- Thank you.

It's lovely to be back, actually.

- Atta girl.

- See?

That wasn't difficult, was it?

- No.

- And the little fella's okay?

- Oh, he's fine.

He's just had a runny poo but he always does before lunch.

- See I told you.

- Two minutes of your time.

If you don't mind.

Look, I know I've been an idiot.

When I promised I'd leave you alone,

well, I stuck to it, didn't I?

- Yeah, suppose you did.

- So, now you know you can trust me again,

how's about we just make a deal?

- Go on.

- Well, the deal is we forget everything.

Like I say, clean slate.

We both just get on with our lives.

And our work.

What happened in the past is dead and buried.

Forgotten.

What do you reckon?

- You really properly mean it?

- Swear on my life.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

By asphyxiation.

- Oh, God, what's that?

- Not very pleasant, by all accounts.

What do you say?

Clean slate?

- Okay, then.

- Oh, just one more thing.

- What?

- I've had a word with Shelley

and we think you should move over onto sales.

- Sales?

- You know most of those accounts like your own anyway.

- True.

- It's about time you moved up a notch or two.

Commission as well, obviously.

What do you think?

- Blimey.

Definitely.

I'd love that.

- It's only fair.

It's what everyone else gets.

- That's brilliant, Fergus.

Really, really brilliant.

Thank you.

- See?

Anything's possible isn't it?

- Suppose it is really.

- If we can make all this happen in here,

get things really straight, then I was thinking,

once you and I are back on good terms

that maybe we could sort out that visit.

- What visit?

- My visit, to see Joshua.

- But Fergus, we've discussed this.

There is no visit.

- But I thought we just straightened

everything out between us?

- In here, yeah.

In work.

Flippin' eck, you've got such a crap memory, you have.

You're like a bloody elephant.

Thanks for the promotion but I need to get on now though,

if you don't mind.

I'm busy.

I'll be at my desk if you need me okay.

- [Lisa] What a day.

- Agony Aunty Lisa again?

- Mother, keeper, spiritual advisor.

- You should let people fend for themselves more.

- Spot the mug, you mean.

- Too kind, more like.

Not spot the mug.

Hey, you fancy a takeaway?

You can tell me all about it.

- The takeaway sounds good but I might refrain

from boring you to death with the details of

my mental friends' lives, if you don't mind.

(doorbell rings)

- Who's that now?

- Oh, shit, that'll be Kim.

- Kim?

- She rang before, her husband's away on business.

- And you said, "Don't worry, love, come round to mine

"and I'll massage your feet for you."

- What's up now?

- Sometimes it's just nice to come home

to a bit of peace with the missus.

Y'know, no friends, no visitors, no in-laws.

- Are you having a go at my mum and dad again?

- What do you mean "again"?

- This morning.

Moaning cos me mum used your laptop.

- She never switches it off properly.

(doorbell rings)

Are you going to get that?

- Are you going to stop being such a grump?

- I just fancied a quiet night in with you that's all.

You wouldn't like it if you wanted a quiet night in with me

and I said I was off to the pub or something would yeah?

- But you're not going to the pub.

- You're missing my point.

I could've gone for a pint.

But I thought, no, I'll go home

and see Lisa and we can have a nice Chinese.

- You're such a martyr.

- You're such a mug.

- I tell you what, why don't you just go the pub then, eh?

- Tell you what, I might just do that.

- You're not going, are you?

- You just told me to.

- Yeah, but I didn't mean it, you dick.

- Tough, too late.

- Hello.

- Hiya. - Hi.

- Right, see you later, then.

- Yeah, have a lovely time. - Awkward.

- I've booked us in at Danilo's tonight, for your birthday.

All three of us.

- Really?

- And I've spoken to Vincent.

There's another rehearsal on tomorrow morning,

so I'm going to go to that one instead,

so I can miss Sunday's and come to your football,

if you'd still like me to go?

- Honest?

- Yeah.

- Top one, Dad thanks.

What have you said?

- Nothing.

Honest nothing.

- Just show me, it's quite exciting, this.

- But don't feel obliged to pretend you like her

just cos I don't want paying for them.

- Do I look like the type that feels obliged?

- Go on then, just look.

- Rihanna?

- You hate her.

- I bloody love her, more like.

- Really?

- Completely.

- That's so cool.

Oh, that's great.

We'll have such a cool time together.

- You've got to let me give you some money towards them.

- Perks of the job.

- Are you sure?

- They're free, they're ours, it's sorted.

(lively music)

- Are you talking to me yet?

- No.

Where've you been?

- Casino.

Couple of massage parlors.

Nailed a couple of ladyboys, you know the score.

- Dog'n'Dart then?

- I thought you weren't talking to me.

- I'm not.

- How's Greg? - Fine.

How's Kim?

- Fine actually.

- Good.

- She's got a couple of tickets to go

and see Rihanna through work.

- Lovely.

- And she's taking me with her.

- Very nice indeed.

Are there no ends to the wonderfulness

of the almighty Kimtastic?

I mean I'd have got us tickets

if you wanted to go that badly.

- You?

Would you? - Definitely.

- Aw, bless.

- A man is allowed, you know, to want a nice evening

with his wife if she's had a shit day.

To help her feel better.

Chill out and drink some wine

and eat some nice food together.

- But what that man should never do,

under any circumstances, is just fuck off to the pub,

only to prove a point, whilst leaving his wife standing

at the door looking like a wet lettuce,

not sure what to say to her friend,

who clearly knows there's something wrong.

- But if the wife keeps fobbing the poor man off

for that same friend,

he is entitled to a sulk in the garden shed,

or a pint with his pals.

And so we kind of come full circle, if you think about it.

No?

- Is the man suggesting he is jealous of the said friend?

- Is he bollocks!

- Knobhead.

- Mug.

- Is that French for sorry?

- It might be.

- Well, if it is, then maybe the wife might ask the man

if he fancies a roll in the hay?

- When she's naked and slippy?

- Correct.

- It's French for sorry, all right.

(lively music)

- Cheese and pickle for you, Jim.

Ham and salad cream for everyone else.

I've put some fruit and some Kit Kats in.

Jim, if you get hungry later on,

grab yourself a hot dog from the stand okay.

- Okay, thanks, love.

- Bye.

- See you, Dad.

- Have a wonderful time!

Bye.

(lively music)

(dramatic music)

- Maybe you should cut the engine.

Jim!

Just cut it!

(soft music)

- When my granny died, I went in to see her.

They put her in this flimsy old nightie, this pink thing.

Oh, Lisa, it was horrible.

There's me, standing over this coffin, looking at my granny,

all skinny and dead, and the funeral man said,

"Oh, she looks lovely, doesn't she?

"She looks like she's about to go dancing."

I looked up at him and I said, "Don't be so fucking stupid.

"She's dead.

"Why would she be going dancing?"

And I don't even use the F word, me.

Do I, Lisa?

- Never, love.

She doesn't, honest.

- Poor fella, he was only trying to be nice.

But I didn't want nice.

Cos my granny was gone.

What was the point in nice when she wasn't here anymore?

- I know, love.

- They talk bollocks a lot of the time,

just to smooth it all over.

Sorry.

- I don't want any of that nonsense for Jim either.

I don't want nice.

None of it can be nice, Lisa, none of it.

You do know what I mean, don't you?

- Course I do, love.

- He took me out for my birthday.

He told Gary he's going to watch him play.

Everything was fine.

Everything was perfect.

(melancholy music)

- Do you think I should pop these in now?

They'll only take 15 minutes.

- He'll be here any second, though.

- But we don't want to be fiddling about with sausage rolls

once everyone comes back here.

- I don't mind.

- I'll fiddle with stuff when we get back, don't you worry.

- But if we do them now,

it gives them a chance to cool down, won't they?

And no one wants hot sausage rolls, do they?

They'll all end up scalded.

- She's got a point.

- Stay out of this, Dad.

- She has got a point though.

- And you stay out of it an' all.

- I don't mind.

I can stick them in when we get back.

It's fine.

- You've got enough on your plate today, love,

without worrying about sausage rolls.

- [Both] She's right.

- I just don't think sausage rolls that give you

90-degree tongue burns are much of a good idea that's all.

- Mother, please, just leave it, will you?

He'll be here any minute.

We don't want Jim turning up

and we're all at loggerheads about sausage rolls.

It won't look very good, will it?

- [Both] She's right.

- Bianca?

He's here.

- I just want to thank you all for being here with me.

You'll never know how much this means to me.

And to Jim.

He'll be very proud, I promise.

(melancholy music)

(haunting bagpipe music)

- Oh look who it is.

- Who's that? - It's Roger.

- Three times regional singles champ.

- A skating priest?

- He's sublime.

- Can you lot shut up?

This is a church and we're at a funeral.

You're not supposed to be talking.

Where's your respect?

- This is a church and we're at a funeral.

Where's your respect?

Who the hell is it?

- You're not supposed to say hell in here.

- It's just Kim.

- What does she want now?

- Don't be so bloody nosey.

- Not sure you're allowed to say bloody either.

- My dad does that.

- Does what?

- Swears in church.

He said the F word once in York Minster.

- That's terrible.

- I wouldn't worry about it.

I said the C word once at the Taj Mahal in Rusholme.

- All right, mother.

- Good afternoon, everyone.

I'd like to thank you all for coming here today.

Jim would have been so proud

and happy to see all these lovely faces.

- It's Jack.

- What the hell's he doing here?

- How the hell am I supposed to know?

- Right, you two that's enough.

I'm warning you.

- Right, so, we're going to start

the service with a hymn today.

So if you could all please turn to page three

of the order of service.

(organ music)

- No.

- I'll have one.

- Shell? - I'm all right.

- I mean, don't get me wrong,

it was a lovely service but it's all this nonsense about

Jim being in the next room that I struggle with.

- But people get comfort from all that, Mum.

- Oh, God, it gives me the willies, all that.

What if he is in the next room, eh?

Would you be scared if he was?

- I don't think Jim was the scary sort when he was with us,

never mind now he's not.

- Look, he's not in the next room.

He's dead.

- Sue's in the next room making beef paste sandwiches.

Simple.

I'm a realist, me.

- Do you not mean atheist?

- No, I mean realist.

When you're gone, you're gone.

God or no God.

I've told Dan I want him to stick me in an orange box

and bung me in the canal when I'm gone.

None of this funeral nonsense.

I mean, what's the point of having

a piss-up if you can't even go?

- Another?

- Another, yeah, go on.

- How are you, Roger?

- Well, I've been better.

You know, it's not exactly the best part of the job,

if I'm honest.

- [Sue] Beautiful service.

- Well, thank you.

- Terrible business, eh?

- Inevitable, though, Sue.

For all of us, one day.

Jim was just slightly further up that ladder

than we might've expected, I suppose.

- Yes.

- You know, when your number's up and all that.

- When you put it like that,

it makes me wonder how long I've got!

- Don't be so silly.

You're going nowhere.

- [Dan] Fancy a whisky?

- Oh, er, yes.

I would be churlish not to, I suppose.

So, I hear congratulations are in order.

- Yes. - You must be delighted.

- Oh, we are.

- You'll be swapping regions, surely, though,

when they knock it down?

- Knock what down?

- The rink.

Oh, you don't know, do you?

I'm sorry, I just assumed that you knew.

- Sorry, Roger, don't know what?

- They're demolishing it.

They've sold out to Cramwell's.

They're building a load of new houses.

If that's what you can call them.

Size of beach huts, most of them.

Still, you get to pick your own fireplace

though so I suppose that's quite classy.

Barry doesn't know either, does he?

- No.

He'll go ape.

- Apeshit?

- Yes, Roger.

Apeshit.

Sorry.

- Thank you very much.

Hey look, I'm easy.

Oh, God.

- Hiya, Lisa.

Dan.

- Hi, Jack.

- How are you both?

- We're good.

- Yeah, smashing, thanks.

- I'm Jack.

- Hi I'm Gary, Jim's son.

- Oh, hello.

I used to live across the road.

He was a good fella, your old man.

- Thanks.

- I hope it can be cool between us.

- No reason why not.

You're entitled to be here like everyone else.

Just don't expect me to get the banners out.

All right?

(melancholy music)

- Are you all right, chick?

- I'm running out of things to say.

If I hear one more person say,

"It's what Jim would've wanted,"

I think I might explode.

- Do you want me to leave you alone?

- Not really.

- Come on back in and have a brandy, eh?

- Do you know what I really fancy?

- What?

- A margarita.

He makes me one on a Monday night

whilst I'm watching Coach Trip.

But I'll look terrible if I wander

about in there drinking cocktails, won't I?

So many bloody rules about what you're supposed to do

and not supposed to do and all I want to do is scream.

- You scream if you want to.

I won't tell anyone.

- To be honest, Sue, I've had enough now.

- Come on, I'll make you a sneaky margarita.

What do you reckon?

(melancholy music)

- Where's your ex gone?

- I don't know.

He's my ex, why should I?

- Oh, right, I get it.

It's awkward, is it?

- Not really.

We're adults.

- What's that got to do with it?

If you still love them, it's gonna be awkward.

- I don't still love him.

- Anyone else on the horizon?

- No.

- Are you looking? - Yeah.

Kind of.

- No joy?

- Not really.

- You still love him.

- It's weird.

I seem to be spending every waking moment looking round

corners wondering if the next person that I bump into

is going to be the one that might be next in line.

- Story of my life, kid.

None of us can be sure what the future holds.

- Jim certainly wasn't.

- But, don't repeat this.

But some of us have got a knack of taking a look.

- At what?

- At what's around that corner.

- What?!

- Hello, Shelley.

- Jack, hiya, how are you?

- Great, thanks.

- Meet me in the bathroom in five.

- Listen, I know it's not the

best time to be talking business,

but I saw the ad for the finance consultant.

- Oh, right, yeah.

- And I was wondering if you would mind

passing my card on to Fergus.

- I thought you'd moved back to Ireland?

- [Jack] I did.

- To be honest, Jack, I think he wants someone who's

gonna be on it for at least a couple of days a week.

- But I'm back here now.

- Back over the road?

- No, no.

Can't sell it so I'm renting it out.

I've got myself a nice little pad in town for a few months.

- Right, very nice.

- So you don't mind passing it on?

- Yeah, yeah, no, that's fine.

- Thanks.

- Sorry, will you excuse me?

I just need to pop to the loo, if you don't mind.

- Not at all.

(melancholy music)

- I'd like everyone to go now.

No offense.

Is that terrible?

- You've had enough, love.

I'd say that's normal.

- They'd stay all night, some people,

chance of a bit of grub and a whisky.

I'll get rid.

Leave it to me.

Okay, time to go now.

- They're saying your heart is heavy.

- Who is?

- The cards.

They're saying your heart will lift.

That's definitely got something to do with a fella.

- Which fella?

- Well, they're not normally that specific

but that Jack couldn't keep his

eyes off your tits just then.

- Jack?!

No.

No, no, they've got that wrong.

Is it not Greg?

Isn't Greg in there somewhere?

- I'm not seeing a Greg just at the moment, no.

This could possibly be a Greg.

- Really?

- It's definitely a person.

- Is it male or female?

Is there a name?

- Close your eyes!

- [Lisa] Hurry up in there.

Bianca wants everyone to go.

- Christ on a bike!

She tried to kill me!

Kicking out time already.

Hey, fancy a nightcap at mine?

- [Lisa] Maybe I should go back over.

- She said she wanted quiet.

- But it doesn't feel right.

I know there's something not right.

- She's just lost her husband, flower.

Of course something's not right.

- There's something I need to tell everyone.

- Sue, love?

- Well, more you, really, love.

I need to tell you.

- What, love?

What's up?

- What's the matter?

What is it?

- It's okay, treasure.

Barry, they're knocking the ice rink down.

- Oh, thank fuck for that!

- Dan!

- I thought she was going to tell us

she was pregnant or something.

- Get in here now, knobhead!

- It's all right.

It's okay.

Right.

Fancy a Baileys?

- Yeah, go on then.

- Sit down. - Yeah.

(soft music)

(phone rings)

- [Jim] Hello, this is Jim and Bianca's house.

If you'd like to leave a message,

we'll get back to you whenever we can.

(knock at door)

- Who the frig's that?

- You're the one with the cards.

Why don't you ask them?

Are you not going to answer it?

- Am I buggery!

Tell no-one and say nowt, but I've got in a bit of bother.

- Oh, no.

- Council tax.

Nothing I can't handle, but he is very persistent.

Bailiff.

- At this time?!

- I know.

New tactics.

Bastards!

- What will they do?

- No idea.

But I'm not hanging around here waiting to find out.

Come on.

(mysterious music)

(phone rings)

- Bianca?

Bianca?

- I mean, bloody houses.

Why do we need more bloody houses?

Isn't there enough space in all

those fields to build more houses?

- They don't want fields, they want town centers.

Amenities.

- At what cost though?

25 years we've skated there.

- Put your shoes on, love, and let's go home.

We can start the revolution in the morning.

I'm exhausted.

(doorbell rings)

You stay there, chick.

I'll go.

Oh. - Hiya.

Hiya.

- All right, Mum? - Hiya, Shelley.

- Is everything okay?

- Barry, shoes.

- I thought she'd be safer here.

- Safer?

- She's got the heavies on her case, hasn't she?

Did you not know?

- What?

- Barry, keys.

- Wasn't it a lovely service, Sue?

- Delightful. - Night, all.

- Ta ra.

- Yeah, see ya. - See ya, Dad.

- I hope they haven't gone cos of us.

- Have you been dodging your council tax again?

- I thought I told you to keep your trap shut.

- She better not have been.

- Pauline, people care.

Especially your family.

- I'll bloody throttle you if you have, Pauline.

- [Dan] Have you, Mum?

(phone rings)

- [Jim] Hello, this is Jim and Bianca's house.

If you'd like to leave a message

we'll get back to you whenever we can.

(phone rings)

Hello, this is Jim and Bianca's house,

if you'd like to leave a message we'll get back to you.

- What am I going to do without him?

(melancholy music)

- Look, they can't force themselves in, son.

It's not allowed.

- Oh, so you spend the rest of the year

hiding under the kitchen table?

- No.

- Charlie!

- All right, gorgeous?

- Charlie?

- I've been knocking on at yours.

Thought you'd be here.

Looking good, old bird.

Hello, son.

- All right, Dad.

- How about a hug for your old fella, eh?

* But time keeps creeping on me *

* Yeah it's slipping away

* Gotta keep up the pace

* Stop and stand if you like

* I don't care

* Just got to keep on doing things my own way *

(upbeat music)

We'd did a runner.

(unintelligible voices)

(upbeat music)