Original subtitles

(logo pings)

(bouncy big band music)

(uptempo guitar music)

(TV drowned out by music)

- Quite heavy rain is developing just now.

- Pink or black?

- What? - Her knickers.

- Whose knickers?

- Hers!

Well, you must be imagining something sat there

with your tongue hanging half out.

(Dan chuckles)

- Have a good morning.

- Oh, don't be late.

Mum and Dad are coming over, remember.

- What for this time?

Bathroom door knob need a polish?

- The list for the party.

We're going through it.

Rock and roll!

How could I forget?

Morning.

Hi, Dan.

- [Cooking Host] Not a lot of butter in that at all.

Impressed?

- I'm very impressed. - Wait til you try it.

Fold the egg whites into the chocolate mix.

Really gently tease that egg white.

- Such a rarity. - What?

- Creative as well as attractive.

The two just don't normally mix, do they?

- It's the way she folds in those egg whites

without losing a square inch of air.

It's the sole reason why her macaroons end up so squidgy.

Pure genius.

(phone beeps)

All I wanna see is big sex

All I wanna see is big Rex

All I wanna see is big checks

Now tell me, Homie, can you get that

(shoes clopping)

- Thanks.

- I won't be long.

- How long?

- An hour or so, if that.

Will you be OK?

You'll be OK, won't you?

- I'll live.

I think.

(midtempo hip-hop music)

- Hey, these are a good idea!

- I can think of better ones, my love.

Not exactly up there with the dishwasher tablets, are they?

- Simmer down, smart aleck.

I meant for our party.

- Plastic cups for our party?

We are talking the same party, aren't we?

Married for 40 years to the most precious lady

on the planet.

I'll be wanting a bit more than plastic,

thank you very much.

- Well it saves on the washing up and the smashed glasses.

You know what your Terry's like

once he's had a couple of pints.

God, do you remember Auntie Win's 90th?

Took me half the night to get his grubby little hands

off my backside.

The man's a sex pest.

- He's just got good taste, princess.

Remember, Sue, God loves a tryer.

- Hey!

- Good night?

- Bits I can remember, yeah.

- Don't know how you do it.

On a school night, too.

I'd be in a right mess.

My mum calls me Knock on the door and there's no one in

when I've got a hangover.

- Only when you've got a hangover?

- Talia, there's ten new jobs in from Bolton Electric.

Could you put them on the website, please?

- I've already done it.

- Have you, brilliant!

- I got in early.

Tried to show some initiative.

I've got my appraisal next week.

- Jump in my grave as fast?

- What? You pissing on my chips

the second I'm a few minutes late.

- I'm only trying to help!

- I'd be careful.

- Pardon? - Toes you step on today

might just be connected to the foot

that boots you up the arse tomorrow.

I've got my appraisal next week too.

It's about time somebody got promoted 'round here.

- Morning, Fergus!

- Top of the morning, ladies!

And what a beautiful morning it is.

Big day, ladies.

I hope we're ready for the Partington presentation.

- Can I just pester you for a minute?

In your office.

Two things, that's all.

- My wedding tackle is three things.

If you class my nut sack as two separate entities.

- Fergus.

- All right, all right, it was only a joke!

- Shelley's office, now.

- Please. - I think you'll find

it's my office now, Denise.

- The cheap offensive gags aren't gonna go down too well

from now on.

OK? - OK.

- We're finished.

- Not here, Denise, if you don't mind.

- Yes here, actually!

This is where it started.

This is where it'll end.

- Profound mind as well as a cracking little arse.

You're the full package, you are, sweet cheeks.

- It's over.

And those things I want, those two things.

- Yes?

- Promise me my job is safe.

And I promise you your wife will never find out.

- Excuse me? - You heard.

Promise me.

Now.

- Promise.

- So my maternity benefits will all be intact?

And I can carry on when

little 'un's born? - Look.

- Because I'm having this baby, Fergus.

Get used to it.

And two.

Leave me alone.

I'm doing this solo.

- You really going ahead with it?

- Come on, Fergus!

This is your chance to get away with it!

You and your wife and your new addition.

Your legitimate new addition.

Without the threat of her ever finding out

that you've been knocking off the admin bird all this time.

I want nothing from you, other than this job.

Nothing.

Actually, Fergus, before I forget.

Will you sponsor me?

I'm trying to raise money for the dolphins at Shark Bay.

I'm lying in a bath of beans all day Sunday.

- Well?

- Nailed him.

- Oh, good girl!

- It feels so right, Lisa.

It all feels so right.

- Oh, Love, you're so brave.

- You know what though? - What?

- There's just one thing missing.

- From here?

Chocolate vending machine.

That's what's missing.

- Shelley! - Oh, Shelley.

I really miss her being here, don't you?

- Totally.

- Talia, can I borrow you for a minute?

- Just in case.

Let's be honest, he'll be wanting a nosh

off someone before lunch, and you have split up.

- She's winding you up.

Just ignore her.

I'll get her to make a phone call later.

- We'll soon have Shelley back.

Leave it with me.

- My suit from the dry cleaner's.

Today, preferably.

- Lisa?

- Yes?

- Can I ask a massive favor?

- How massive?

- I've got my first antenatal class after work.

I need a birth partner.

I daren't ask my mum.

She gets queasy cracking open an egg, never mind childbirth.

Would you do it?

- Oh my God, are you serious?

- You'll be fine.

You don't have to go goal end.

You can stand behind me.

We can ask for a screen.

You're the only one I want in there.

Cool and calm in a crisis.

But not afraid to use the F word to get what you want.

(giggles)

- Why are you avoiding me?

- I'm not avoiding you.

- You saw me this morning, I know you did.

- This is my work, you shouldn't be here!

- I just want to apologize.

It was wrong of me to be so forward.

- Look, shall we just forget it?

- But you don't need to ignore me.

- I'm not ignoring you.

- You did see me though.

- Will you leave me alone?

- Yoo-hoo, Shelley!

- Hiya, Sue, hiya, Barry.

- How's it crack-a-lacking, sunshine?

- How's Greg?

We heard he had a bit of trouble, poor lad.

- He's OK, he's bearing up, thank you.

- What's happened?

- Oh, he got jumped by a gang of hoodies, didn't he?

On his way home.

I wouldn't mind, but they only stung him for a tenner.

- It's a disgrace!

- They want hanging.

- Give him our love, will you Shelley?

- Course I will.

See you later, guys.

- Put it back.

There's a chapter on how to--

- I said put it back.

- Hi, Kate! - Hiya.

- Can I ask you something?

- Fire away, love.

- Do you really believe the way to a man's heart

is through his stomach?

- Without question!

I'm their second wife, these lot.

They don't buy me flowers and we might not

have the chance of much pillow talk,

but they love me, Bianca.

An extra slice of black pudding on a man's plate

in the mornin' and you're anybody's, I promise.

Don't you, Ken?

- You what, flower?

Love me.

You love me, don't you?

- With all my heart.

Can you teach me how to make some of those, cock?

For Jim?

- I think he'd be impressed, don't you?

- Very!

I'm doing a batch tonight if you fancy calling in?

- Thanks, Kate.

I'll see you then then!

(phone rings)

- Hello!

Oh, hi, David.

OK.

And when do they expect that to be exactly?

Thanks for calling, you're very kind.

Yeah, talk soon then.

Bye, David.

- Any chance of a top-up, sweetheart?

- I'll be five minutes.

You fucking pest.

Next week, your appraisal.

Yeah? Well, the perfect opportunity

for you to put a request in for a raise.

- Extra beer tokens.

Imagine it.

- And you know I'll be telling them

that I cannot function up front here, without you.

- Kenneth Porter's secretary, please.

- Her name's Sandra. - You asked me to do this,

haven't you?

Hiya, Sandra, it's Talia here at Reconnect.

Just syncing diaries chick, making sure Kenneth's okay

for the account meeting tomorrow at 10?

Really?

That's strange.

Well, it's definitely in at 10 and Fergus is choc-a-bloc.

So we're going to struggle to rearrange.

Could you?

Really?

You're a complete life saver, you are, Sandra!

Wait till the Christmas booze run and I'll make sure

you get an extra bottle of Chardonnay.

You too!

Ciao, San!

- Good work, kidder!

- Brilliant!

That were brilliant!

- Small things impress small minds.

I'm going for a coffee.

Anything happens whilst I'm gone, take a photo won't you?

- My God, what happened to you?

- Nothing, just a little bump, that's all.

Weren't even going that fast.

Between you and me I'd had a right skinful

so I can't really remember much.

Anyway, never mind about me, Missus, what about you?

How's things been?

- Don't take this the wrong way, Greg,

but less of the small talk, if you don't mind.

Can we just get on with the money?

- Right.

Yeah, of course.

Actually, Emma.

This is quite awkward.

- No, it isn't.

I mean, it kind of is.

I've got the money but erm I'm sorry, Emma,

but I'm a bit short.

How short?

- 50 quid.

- 50 quid?

- I should be able to get it in a couple of days.

- Should?

- I'm sorry.

- No, Greg, I'm sorry for not explaining this

to you properly in the first place.

I think you're gettin' this all wrong.

- Maybe I am.

With the crash and everything, it's been a bit tough.

- Bump suddenly turned into a crash now, has it?

No offence but your bruises aren't my problem.

And this isn't what we agreed.

None of this.

It's only 50 quid!

Come on!

Give me time and I'll sort it.

We're mates, aren't we?

What's 50 quid between mates?

- Mates! - Sorry.

- Mates?

Cheeky bastard.

You think you can just come in here and turn on the charm

because yet again you're skint.

And you think I'll just giggle, and say everything's fine?

You blew me out, remember?

You prick.

Big mistake.

Huge.

- I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do.

I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

You're gonna pay me back the full amount by tonight.

I've just canceled our agreement.

- Emma! - Leave.

My husband'll be back any minute.

I said leave.

- Really appreciate it, bit excited, you know.

(crowd chatters)

- Hello, everybody, I'm Jacinta.

First of all I'd like to say a big welcome to you all.

Now, don't forget it's my job to fill you in

on all the gory details.

So if there's anything you need to ask me,

feel free to put your hand up at any time.

Forewarned is forearmed.

That's my motto, girls.

And boys.

And a big welcome to our newbies, Denise and Lisa.

I'm delighted that you two feel confident enough

to join us too.

We're very open-minded here.

- Bye, love.

See you next week. - Bye.

Hiya! - Hey.

- Hey, listen, I was just thinking.

We can put the DJ on the stage there.

And there's an extension lead in the kitchen

so we can probably stretch to putting the disco lights

in front of the stage.

- That's why I wanted to talk to you, flower.

- What's up, chick?

- The book says people prefer live music at a shindig.

- Does it now?

- So I were thinking something like a Jane McDonald tribute.

- Jane who?

- We could dress the room like a cruise ship.

It says a party's not a party without a theme.

What do you think?

- A theme?

- There's all sorts we can have.

The cruise ship is just a starting point, really.

- Not sure I'm with you here.

- Or we can go the other way if we want to go racy.

Have something a bit more--

- Hey, hey, eager beaver!

We'll have none of your vicars and tarts nonsense.

Ruby wedding anniversary, my love.

40 years of ironing your vests, and washing your smalls.

That's your theme.

- Listen, love, I'm quite happy to hold your hand

and keep track of a few contractions but placenta pate?

- I can't believe they used to do that when we were cavemen!

Don't you think it's interesting?

- No.

Sorry.

Hey up, I think you've got an admirer.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- I'm Lee.

- I'm Denise.

This is Lisa.

- Oh, I don't think he's worried about who I am,

are you love?

- So how's it all going?

- Very helpful, actually.

What about you?

- I don't really think I'm cut out for it, to be honest.

- I don't think you've got much choice, have you love?

- Her?

She's my sister.

- Is that legal?

- Her fella scampered

as soon as she said she was pregnant so,

- Oh, what a gent.

Same with me.

- Oh, right, I thought you two were--

Do I look like I drink from the furry cup?

- Lisa!

- Well, do I?

- [Jacinta] Okay, everyone,

can we all come back round, please?

- Are we getting Kate to do the food?

- Yeah, might as well.

- Oh right.

- What now?

- Nothin'.

- Honey, I've known you long enough to know

that a simple "Oh right" really isn't nothing.

Barry.

It's just the book says food-wise it's always a good idea

to do something a bit different.

The world's changing, it says.

Time's running out for pork pies and cheese and pineapple.

- I happen to love cheese and pineapple.

What on earth's the matter with you, Barry?

Tampering with the food!

Jane McDonald!

Why don't we just go the whole hog

and do it like the Windsors would.

Swans carved out of ice.

40 white doves.

Burlesque strippers.

Burlesque?

What's that?

I'll give you a clue, shall I?

Big bust, tiny waist.

Hangs out the side of a giant champagne glass.

Starkers.

Seriously?

Is that what you reckon we should do?

What do you think, clod hopper?

Road.

- And for all the partners, never too late

to get fully intimate with your wife's secret bits.

- I think they've all managed that already

judging by the state they're in!

- Regular, gentle massage with a bit of baby oil

can make all the difference

when it comes to easing out the head.

- Ooh, I'm sorry.

Too much information, I'm afraid.

- Lisa, is everything OK?

- I'm just a bit squeamish, I'm sorry.

And I've not even had my tea yet, that's all.

- Most people are a bit squeamish, lovey.

But you two can turn this into an advantage, though

being in a same-sex couple.

For a start, Lisa, you know far more about lady bits

than most of these fellas, that's for sure.

- Excuse me one minute.

Do you mind if I go?

- Of course not.

- I just don't think I'm going to be much use.

Not really my kind of thing.

- It's fine. - Thanks, love.

- And by the way, Davina.

- Jacinta.

- We are not a couple.

I'm married.

To a bloke.

A big bloke, actually.

Now this is where people get it wrong.

Figure of eight, pace of a snail.

Keep that air in.

There's no rush.

Here.

Even slower.

- Goodness me, this is slow.

- Time and effort, Bianca.

- Good God, he'll have a stiffy before I've got the oven on

at this rate.

- Lisa!

- Leave me alone.

- Please!

- This has got to stop, Jack!

- What has?

- You shouldn't have come to my work.

- I can't help the way I feel.

Nor can you.

- Stop messing with my head!

- I'm just saying it how I think it is.

- I'm married.

I love Dan and I always will love Dan,

no matter what happens.

- Just tell me how you feel about me.

That's all I want.

- You need to leave.

- Leave?

- One of us does.

And me and Dan were here first.

- I've as much right to live here as you.

- That is such bollocks!

- How is it bollocks?

I know how you feel.

- You know fuck all, Jack!

- Look, I'm sorry I went to the office.

I just wanted to see you.

- I have a husband.

He's supposed to be your mate.

It's wrong!

You didn't seem to think it was wrong

when we were just flirting.

That was a bit of fun!

That's all it was.

Flirting! - But I love you.

- You don't bloody love me! - Yes, I do.

- No, you don't!

It's wrong, it's all wrong, and it stops now.

- But we kissed.

- No, Jack.

We didn't kiss.

You kissed me and I pulled away and you know it.

I love Dan.

Now back off and leave me alone!

(door knocker bangs)

- Who the hell's that?

- Leave it, it'll just be kids.

(door knocker bangs)

- You go.

- I'm not going!

- Just answer it, Greg. - Just leave it!

- Who is it?

You know who it is, don't you?

- Shelley!

Hello?

- [Thug] Oi, fuck off!

- Five grand, where is it?

Get off me, I don't know what you're talking about!

- [Thug] I'll break it, come on, where's the cash?

- [Shelley] Greg, what's he talkin' about?

(Greg groans)

- Leave her out of it!

It's got fuck all to do with her!

(Greg groans)

- My car!

Take my car!

- The one in the front?

- Yeah!

- Get me the keys.

(Greg groans) (Shelley sobs)

- Auntie Ursula and Uncle Bert.

Hiya!

I'm your biggest fan

I'll follow you until you love me

Papa, paparazzi

Baby, there's no other superstar

You know that I'll be

Papa, paparazzi

- How's it hanging, kid? - Good, mate.

- I'll have crispy duck, please, and Singapore vermicelli.

- Auntie Carol, Uncle Jonny, Doreen and the kids.

Martin and Florrie.

- Martin and Florrie!

Are they still alive?

- Barry!

Erm I'm going to have sweet and sour chicken

and special fried rice, please, love.

- Barry, what do you fancy?

- We're going to have a theme.

- A theme? - It's all the rage.

- Am I hearing right? - It'll be amazing.

We're thinking of having dim sums on a trolley.

Imagine Auntie Margaret's face when she sees!

- Dim sum on a trolley?

Since when have you been into dim sum, Dad?

- Hey, don't knock it, kid.

This is the start of the new me.

I'm branching out.

The book says people expect more

from a Ruby wedding anniversary than some dodgy old DJ

and a mushroom vol-au-vent.

So from now on we're going to open our minds

and expand our cultural horizons.

Aren't we, kid?

- Barry, food!

- See if they'll do me omelette and chips, lad.

Have you any brown sauce in?

- I promise this will never happen again.

- I have sacrificed everything I have got for you Greg!

- Please, Shel,

just listen to me! - Listen to what?

More bullshit?

You think I can cope with more bullshit?

- I'm glad you know!

I'm glad it's come out!

I can't live like this any more!

- You can't?

I'll go to Gamblers Anonymous, I'll go first thing--

- How many times have I heard you say that?

- It's different this time. - Different?

The fact that your wife nearly got her jaw broken,

that's different?

How dare you put me in that position!

- I promise it's the end of it.

I'll get help.

- You won't go.

- I'm so sorry, babes.

- You're only saying that because you got caught.

You're pathetic, Greg.

And I hate you.

I totally bloody hate you.

I don't want dim sums on a trolley

or cocktails from the Caribbean.

All I want is us lot there.

And DJ Dave from Tempoly playin' Agadoo.

And your drunken father scoffing a cold chicken drumstick

off a paper plate.

- And have you told him that?

- How can I tell him?

He gets so giddy.

I mean, you've heard him, he falls for everything,

hook, line and sinker.

And I don't want to be the big bad witch

who's taking the fun out of it all.

You've seen him, he's grinning from ear to ear.

Least he cares, the poppet.

- And he'd be gutted if he thought you were this pissed off.

Come on Mom, you've slept in the same bed

as him for 40 years.

I think you know how to pull a few strings

when it comes to telling him when to wind it in, don't you?

- Where's Lisa?

- She's on a half day.

- When was this booked in?

- What? - This!

This meeting!

Ken Porter from Henry Richards.

On the same day as the biggest presentation this year!

- It's been there for weeks, Fergus.

- Something's gone wrong.

- Everything's fixable.

- Where are the original contracts?

- Where all the others are.

- There's a dispute over payback fees.

- I know.

- You do?

- Yes, I do.

I even watch the news sometimes, believe it or not.

- Steady on.

- Well, It's not resolved and I need to be on top of it

before they get here.

- Shelley was handling it.

- Right, call Lisa.

- Didn't Talia say she was on a half day?

- So?

- So I'm not gonna call her.

- This is one of our top accounts.

And I didn't even know they were booked in.

- Sometimes you don't know your arse from your elbow, do ya?

And there's me, poxy little admin bird, and I know the lot.

- You? - Yes, Fergus.

God forbid it.

Me.

I know where the files are.

I know the account, I know the payback clauses.

You think I just sit here filing my nails looking pretty?

Giving the odd blowjob to the nearest sleazeball executive.

Counting the minutes till half four on a Friday.

Don't you? - No, I don't.

- Yes, you do.

I'll help you.

- Will you? - One condition.

- What? - Call Shelley.

We need her, she needs us!

It's stupid her not being here.

And you know it.

- What? - Nothing.

- There's a meeting tonight at the Silver Wings club.

I checked online.

They've got a session on every night except Wednesdays.

And there's a support worker I can go and see

on the night there's no meeting.

There's no room for messing up, Shell.

It's hardcore.

- Fergus.

This better be good.

- Huge silk scarf draping down from up there.

And some of those lanterns you can get in Altrincham market.

You know, that'd look Moroccan.

Then there's the food.

Think lamb stew and think sacks of saffron

and dried apricots and think thimble-sized shot glasses

filled with ouzo and cranberry vodkas.

- What's Moroccan about cranberry?

- Nothing.

But it'll help keep your Terry in check.

Oh, and I've had this other idea.

Two young men, partially naked,

one on either side of the door, handing out champers

to the guests as they arrive!

- Partially frigging naked?

You!

You little rascal!

- Can I be really honest?

- Go on.

- Shall I tell you what party I really want?

- What?

- I want a 40th wedding anniversary party.

Big family knees-up with sausage rolls and dancing

and a big argument.

Do you remember our 30th?

- I do.

Broad Heath Central Club.

- And Uncle Joe choked on a chicken drumstick!

- Hey, our 20th were a belter.

- Not as good as our 15th.

- Your mother went mental cos I took you abroad.

I know, I thought we were the worst parents in the world.

Leaving our little Lisa with her for a week.

- Not at all.

She loved every minute of it.

- I know.

She's got me now

- Come here.

There's nothin' I can do

But I'm glad

- You can have whatever party you want, Mrs H.

I'm close enough to the truth

It's stood me in good stead

To ignore my head

Do what my heart wants to do

I'm falling way too fast

A sentimental joke

That's runnin' out of laugh

- Dan, it's Kate.

Sorry if I'm disturbing you.

But I really need to speak to you.

No, there's no problem with the toilets.

Please, Dan.

You really need to hear this.

It's It's serious.

I'm talking life-changing serious.

- [Jim] I'm home!

- Hiya, pet!

- Mm, anything nice?

- Whoopie pies.

All the rage in Didsbury apparently.

- Fantastic!

- Crucial stage.

Shall I show you?

Figure of eight.

Pace of a snail.

Keep that air in.

There's no rush.

Dip your finger in and have a taste if you like, cock.

Or if you wait five minutes, I'll let you lick the bowl out.

How does that sound?

- Look, Kate, I know it's hard for you

being on your own, but--

- Can you just sit down?

- Can you tell me what's going on?

I don't know whether you've noticed,

but I'm a married man and there's only one woman

calls me up and makes demands.

- You came though, didn't you?

- You said it was serious.

- It is.

I'm in trouble, Dan.

- What sort of trouble?

- Martin's brother called.

He's been so good.

Keeping me posted with every last move.

I think they're just out to get me.

- Who?

- The stupid police!

- What now?

- David knows I'm innocent.

I know I am!

You do believe me, don't you, Dan?

- I don't know what it is I'm supposed to be believing.

- They think I killed Martin.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- I've been through hell.

- Look, I know this is awful for you but I don't know

what you want me to do to help.

- Martin had an affair with another woman, Dan.

Couple of months before he died.

My friend saw him kissing her.

- That's terrible.

- Devastating.

- Look, Kate, I know it's shit for you

but what's it got to do with me?

- Can't you see, Dan?

This is how all this started for me.

With a measly kiss.

Next thing it's an affair!

- That's horrendous. - No, Dan, what's horrendous

is they think I bumped him off!

The scorned wife!

Me, do I look the type?

Me!

- Do you heck!

- Give me a fucking break!

A murderer?

I just don't want the same thing happening to you.

- Why the hell would it?

- Well, it's Lisa and Jack.

I saw them.

Do you understand me now, about how all this starts?

Where all this starts.

- You're talking shit.

- No, I'm not, Dan.

- Yes, you are.

You're talking out of your arse.

- No, it's the truth.

I saw them the other day when I was coming out

of the homewatch at Bianca's.

Kissing.

Well, snogging if I'm really honest.

- Bullshit.

- I think there's been something going on for a while.

Remember the date, when I saw them on their night out?

It's probably been brewing for ages.

Just bubbling away like these things do.

I'm so sorry, Dan.

But there's something between them.

Something serious.

I saw them!

I know what I saw.

I know what a passionate kiss looks like.

- She wouldn't do this to me.

- Well never underestimate how cruel people can be.

Even those closest to you.

I'm only telling you this because I care.

I just don't want to see you hurt, that's all.

I swear on Martin's grave it's the truth.

- Thanks.

Think these are for you.

Ten per cent pay rise and a company car, I am all yours.

Fergus, are you OK?

- Wife's gone into labor.

- Oh God!

Just go!

I'll take over here.

It's OK.

(midtempo guitar music)

Every song of love

Every la la love

It's all for you

I listened to my heart

Told me that you are

(baby cries)

- Hiya, I'm in here!

You'll never guess what happened at work today.

Shelley came back and Fergus's wife went into labor!

- You've got some fucking nerve, you have.

- Dan? - Going on at me like that

about some weather bird.

- What? - Yesterday!

In here, kicking off because I think she's fit.

- Dan, you're scaring me, what's the matter?

- I know about Jack.

Now I know it's true!

I so wanted her to be lying.

- Who? - Kate.

- Kate? - Yes, Kate!

She saw you!

She saw you and him together, snogging!

- It wasn't a snog.

- She said she saw you!

- Oh God, it wasn't like that.

- Well what was it like then, Lisa?

- Dan I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have let it happen.

He leaned in to kiss me.

It was only for a few seconds!

- How many seconds?

- I, I don't know.

How many? - I don't know,

I wasn't counting.

- What, having too much fun, were you?

- No!

- How many seconds?

- Stop it!

- Five, seven?

- Not that many!

- Well, how many then?

- [Lisa] About four.

- Four seconds!

You kissed him for four seconds.

That's a snog!

Lisa, you snogged him!

You snogged Jack, didn't you?

- No, he snogged me!

I made it stop, Dan.

I made it stop!

- Oh, very noble of you, Lisa.

It shouldn't have happened in the first place!

- I know!

- So why did you let it then?

- I don't know!

- I can't say I blame you.

I'd be pretty tempted if some fit young bird

made a play for me.

But I wouldn't do it, Lisa.

Because I'm married!

- He didn't make a play for me.

- You said he did!

- Not like that!

- Like what then, Lisa, like what?

You didn't tell me about that night out with him

because you fancied him, didn't you?

- No!

- All that bollocks about trying him out with Denise!

You were trying him out for yourself, you mean!

- That is not true!

I'm sorry.

It's all just a mistake.

- You're damn right it's a fucking mistake.

- Where are you going?

- [Dan] Anywhere but here.

(tires screech)

(phone beeps)

- What the frig do you want?

- I've left Lisa, Mum.

- Well, I'll give you one thing, son.

Your timing's bang on.

I'm buggered if I can reach the bit at the back.

Give us a hand, or what?

Passing by

And our eyes keep moving on

All is right, as we go on

From the moment we open our eyes

I'll hold you close

Stay by my side

(soft guitar music)

And our eyes keep movin' on

All is right, as we go on

From the moment we open our eyes

I'll hold you close stay by my side

This moment here is all we have

This moment here is all we have

This moment here is all we have

This moment here is all we have

This moment here is all we have

This moment here is all we have

This moment here is all we have

(Lisa sobs)

(bouncy big band music)