Original subtitles

♪ We face the music together ♪

♪ And throw our hats in the ring ♪

♪ Facing all kinds of weather ♪

♪ And not afraid of anything ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ When the sun comes up we'll be on our way ♪

♪ And we don't care where we land ♪

♪ And the waves are high, but we won't turn 'round ♪

♪ 'Cause your hand is in my hand ♪

♪ And, oh-oh ♪

♪ You make me feel invincible ♪

♪ 'Cause it's you and me ♪

♪ Through the wind and hail ♪

♪ Setting sail into the world. ♪

♪ ♪

TV NARRATOR: And now, in a scene as old as time itself,

the female, now a mother, presents her baby

to the father. It's a tense moment.

(gorilla growling)

Males have been known to reject their young

if they are in any doubt as to whether or not

- they are the father. - (gorilla screeches)

Or even to eat them.

Oh, please don't eat your baby.

(grunts)

Ooh, fuck. Ugh.

- (knocks) - I'm going to bed.

All right, babe, I'll be in.

I just want to finish this reel.

Do you ever get strong parental feelings?

Overpowering?

Um... No.

Uh, well, I just finished watching this, uh, program

about baby gorillas in the Congo,

and I don't know, I... I started lactating.

That's disgusting.

Well, don't you get bored of yourself?

Of your happiness?

Your mindfulness? Of your running?

Your career?

I get so bored of "me."

Mm-hmm, yeah, I-I know what you mean.

Honey, I feel incomplete.

Well, let's discuss it sometime.

I'll click the kettle.

Well, we could do IVF

- like my friends Charlie and Mike. - What did they do?

They paid some poor lady in India to be their surrogate,

and then they mixed up their sperm

so they wouldn't find out which one of them fertilized the egg.

- Did that work? - Sure, they've got a beautiful

three-year-old who looks exactly like Charlie.

(chuckles)

And what happened to the poor Indian lady?

I don't know. I guess she ate really well for a year.

Mm. Okay, what about adopting?

That makes sense. I have no desire

to bring another human being into the world.

No. Me, neither. So...

Right. Well, what are we gonna do?

Are we gonna really think about it?

TV NARRATOR: And so, Tobin and Andy

begin their reproductive journey,

here in the city of New York.

It will be an adventure full of excitement, disappointment,

laughter, tears, and an astounding amount of paperwork.

So, have you guys thought about open adoption, too?

Um... Do you guys do that?

Everyone does now.

The birth mother has as much or as little access

with the child as the three of you agree.

And you would be legal guardians, of course.

That sounds... awesome.

- I-I think we'd like that. - Okay.

Well, let me give you a little paperwork to fill out.

-Oh. -Oh. -And I'll get you

- in my database. - That is a whole tree

- of paperwork. - (chuckles)

What exactly did you expect

was gonna happen today, Andy?

- He brought a car seat today. - Well...

- Oh... - I... Shut up, I did not.

♪ ♪

- (ringtone playing) - It's her.

- Huh? - It's her.

Oh.

(ringtone continues playing)

- Okay. Hey, Trina. - All right, all right, all right.

TRINA: How you guys holding up?

- We're okay, yeah. - Good.

Okay. So, this one did not pan out.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

She got cold feet.

Was it, was it the gay thing again?

No, I don't believe so.

Jesus, how hard can it be for two employed,

home-owning homosexuals to start a family?

I thought we would have quintuplets by now.

I know. I-I do have one more idea.

- Quintuplets? -Yeah. - It's a long shot.

She came into our office recently and liked your file.

But she's a little...

Little what?

You know what? You should just meet her.

How about Thursday?

- Okay. - Yeah.

♪ ♪

- (barks) - Oh!

- Whoa. Jesus. - Holy shit.

- You ready for this? - This is it.

♪ ♪

Hey.

- Hey. - Hey.

Are you Karla?

Yeah. Tobin and Andy, right?

- Other way... - Oh. Sorry.

- (Karla chuckles) - Tobin. Andy.

- Oh, sit. Sorry. - TOBIN: Yeah. Yeah.

-Hi. (laughs) -Hi. Hi. -Hey.

Feels like an interview.

- But who's interviewing who? - (all chuckle)

Well, you should be interviewing us, I guess.

(singsongy): I mean, we're the ones who want your baby.

Right.

Who are you?

- Who, me or him? - As a couple.

I don't care about you as individuals.

Who are you as a couple, and...

why are you the ones to take care of my baby boy?

Or girl. I haven't checked. Go.

Uh...

well, when we first met, at a party,

uh, I was coming down with the flu.

I could feel it in my bones.

And I knew I should go home, but he was so interesting,

so we spent the entire night

walking around the city until dawn

on the coldest night of the year.

The next day, my mom admits me into the hospital.

- I had double pneumonia. - Fuck.

And he didn't know anything about this,

because I lost his number on the way to the hospital.

So for three days of-of fever and hallucination,

all I'm thinking is, "Oh, no, he's gonna think

- that I don't care." - Right.

Also, he's, like, a decade older than me,

so he's punching above his weight.

But when I came to, he was there,

at my bedside.

Wait. How did you know how to find him?

I got his number from the hostess of the party.

I just had a sense that we'd gotten along so well,

there must be some reason for him not calling me.

He was right. (chuckles)

That is so gay.

And so nice.

- Love is telepathic, right? - TOBIN: Yeah.

I knew you guys were cool.

- WAITER: Lovely. So now... - Oh.

...can I get you all something?

Uh, yeah. Uh, good idea.

Um, you want another coffee, Karla?

- Or what do you want? - Are you getting this or am I?

- Oh, us. Totally us. Yeah. - Oh, us. Us, us, us.

I'll have the lunch special,

a-and a Coke and another coffee.

And, uh, save me a banana split.

Guys?

- Um... - (Karla clears throat)

Uh, well, could we get two green teas?

TOBIN: So, uh, when are you due?

(clears throat) Eight months.

Is that okay? I mean, a newborn,

is that what you were looking for?

Oh, we don't care.

And how much involvement

do you think you'd like?

It's hard to say. I travel a lot.

But I come through New York twice a year, so...

you know, maybe twice a year.

Okay. Uh, and what's the traveling about? Work?

No, I'm homeless.

Okay. Okay.

- Okay, cool. - Awesome.

Oh, stop pretending that doesn't throw you a little bit.

I mean, maybe... maybe a little bit.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yes. Is-is it...

Wait, so... so, who's the father, Karla?

A guy I met on the street.

Yeah, um, he's a good man.

Our paths cross every once in a while,

but, you know, ultimately not a match.

He wants to settle down somewhere. Not me.

- What do you think that's about? - I don't know. I mean,

I don't have any mental problems.

I'm just, um... I just don't like being

in one place for too long.

Oh. Can I have a muffin?

Thanks.

Yeah, and, you know, I-I follow the sun.

Oh, like a... like a James Taylor song.

And houses make me feel claustrophobic.

I think they're a trap we build for ourselves, like...

like cars and smartphones.

Things we think make us smarter but actually make us more dumb.

I think traveling, you see a new city

every week, you totally get to reconnect with the country

and the people that made it great.

Instead of just watching it through a TV.

Thank you.

Can I borrow your spoon?

Yeah.

Hey. Hey. Let me... let me help you with that.

Oh. Thanks.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Whoa. - You okay?

(chuckles) Yep. What's in here?

It's just my world.

(objects clinking)

Hello, darling. Hello, baby.

- I got you a little treat. - (chuckles): Oh.

- Your dog? - This is. This is Homer.

He goes everywhere I go.

Yeah, is that good?

-Hi... -Want to say hi? -Hi.

Homer, say hi. Say hi.

- Hi. - (chuckles): Hi.

- So, are we doing this? - Wait-wait.

Don't you want to know if we, like, own our apartment?

Or-or-or, uh, how much we take home a year?

- What colleges we went to? - Are we on a contract?

- That's a popular one. - No. No, I don't care

about any of that stuff. I just want to see that you're in love.

I think you are.

- Give me that. - Uh...

Well, it's not always happy families with us,

i-it frequently descends into, uh,

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Sure. Okay, so I'm gonna go back to Trina, and say that I think

I found a match, and then, if we all agree to this,

I'm gonna continue my travels for, like,

the first two trimesters, and then come back to the city.

Um, yeah, here's my number.

Oh. Okay. Thank you so much.

It was a real experience meeting you.

This is a really good thing.

You guys are good people, and my baby boy

or girl would be privileged to be looked after

by a couple like you.

Yeah. Bye. Thanks for lunch.

Come!

Bye.

ANDY: So is she good crazy or bad crazy?

TOBIN: I don't know. I'm not sure she knows what she's doing.

But you do know that we advocate for everything

- she's talking about? - Yeah.

Uh, capitalism gone crazy, fear,

- traps of our own making... - Right, I like that about her,

but she's taking it a little far, right?

What? (scoffs) By actually living it?

- (chuckles) Yeah. Yeah, kind of. Yeah. -Okay...

All right, come on, Kipper, take a shit already.

Don't put her under pressure, all right?

- It makes her nervous. - Okay, whatever...

I'm just saying, we don't know anything about this girl

or-or what she's going through.

How do we know that she won't just... come on...

she won't just change her mind when she sees the baby?

It just feels really intrusive.

Two creepy gays messing with some young kid's pregnancy.

- Just... Let's just leave it. - (laughs)

Leave it alone. We're not supposed to be parents.

We're not parents and that's all right.

This is a gift, okay?

It's not some poor woman that's been coerced

by circumstance into having our child,

or bringing a new child into this fucking hellhole.

This is happening either way. Okay?

And we get to be there to catch it.

No, it just feels like a hell of a lot of time

to spend on something that may not even happen.

And it's a hell of a lot of disappointment, for us,

if she changes her mind.

And that's perfect.

We get to live something that we actually believe.

Yeah.

- Hey, baby, my baby, my baby. - (chuckles)

- (gasps) Yes, good girl! - (gasps) Miracle! Good girl!

- Here you are. - Why is it always me

- that cleans up? - 'Cause. It's your dog.

- It's our f... it's our dog. - Okay, it's our dog,

- but it's your shit. - It's our shit.

- It's not our shit. Aw... - Our shit. Good girl.

- Okay. Okay. - Thank you, honey.

- Can you open the gate, please? - I can open the gate.

- Thank you so much. - Why do you have an attitude?

- I really appreciate that... - You don't need to

- have an attitude. - I don't have an attitude.

- I'm just asking very simply. - I feel like you got...

Considering I've got shit in my hand,

- I would not be talking to me... - It's your dog.

- ...in an abrasive manner. - You can have shit in your hand.

- Thank you. - Okay, honey. You know what?

It's fine, I want to watch Fargo. Is that okay?

- You can watch whatever you want. - Okay. Thank you.

Oh, come on, are you... are you... are you, like, four years old?

(buzzer trilling)

- Hey! Welcome! - Hi!

Oh, both of you!

- Oh. - (chuckles)

- Hey. - Three of you. Jesus Christ.

- Look at you. - Come in.

You beat the rain. You know, a big summer storm is due.

- I got that. I got... Oh! - Thanks.

- Oh, oh! - You okay?

Uh, yeah, sorry, I just grabbed it...

- Yeah, thank you. - TOBIN: You okay?

Homer! Bad dog!

(growling, barking)

Your dog seems a little threatened by Homer.

He can get very territorial.

Wow. A territorial dog with no territory.

He makes everywhere his territory.

Homer! Hit the deck.

So, thanks for this, guys. I love your apartment.

- I'm-I'm really excited to stay. - Oh, you're staying?

- In-in-in New York? - Of course she is.

She's staying with us. (chuckles)

Oh. Oh. Um, oh. Cool. Great.

Is that okay? Have you guys discussed that?

- We're discussing it right now. - No.

- It's a live discussion. - It's okay.

It's great. And you're only a couple of weeks out, right?

- You're gonna pop any day, huh? - I'm eight weeks out.

- Eight weeks. Eight weeks. - Mm-hmm.

- Great. - ANDY: We are happy to have you.

It just makes us feel involved.

Yeah. Andy has been preparing for parenthood like crazy.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - (clears throat)

So I've, um, I've turned Tobin's study into a baby room,

and I've painted it half blue, half pink, you know,

- covering both bases... - TOBIN: Not that we want to

impose our gender stereotypes, God forbid. (chuckles)

ANDY: Let me ask you a question.

- TOBIN: Oh, great. Yup, go. - ANDY: Baby quiz, you ready?

- Baby quiz. - Yeah... (chuckles)

Yeah. That's true. You're hearing it right.

Yeah, so what does it mean when the baby's poo is green?

(buzzes) Pass. I don't know.

Pass? What do you mean, "pass"?

- Pass. I don't know. - Means the baby is sick.

TOBIN: Why don't we just find that out?

- You want us to just find out... - (whistles)

- You all right? - Oh, my...

Yeah. So where's my room?

You're in it.

Sweet.

♪ Gonna show you what we got ♪

♪ We're Indian, so you know we make it hot ♪

(music continues loudly)

- Whoa. Hey. - Welcome home, dear.

What time do you call this? Gallivanting in some bar, huh,

while I'm slaving over a hot stove!

(chuckles) Nice look.

It's so hot in here.

- (barks) - Oh! Oh, Jesus.

Hello.

- You look fucking beautiful. - Thank you, Andy.

You know, if you want to just, uh, throw your... sorry...

your... throw your, th-throw your clothes in a bag,

I can include them in my next laundry run.

- Why would I do that? - Um, because a-a lot of people do that?

Why would I waste money on a laundromat when I can

wash my clothes in the bath and then dry them here?

Just an idea. Crazy idea.

So I cooked a prawn bhuna. It's been a while,

but I think I got the recipe right... ish.

You didn't have any coconut milk, so I used tap water.

Oh, and I couldn't afford prawns,

so it's little tuna bits instead. You hungry?

♪ ♪

Mm.

I just don't understand how you guys can keep going out

to restaurants, like, every night.

Because we can't cook, that's why.

- I cook for you all the time... - No, no, honey, honey, honey.

You prepare food for me, that's what you do. We can't cook.

Cooking... cooking is an art.

It's an art that we have yet to master. All right?

- Is that fair? -Well, you should learn. You should learn.

You could save so much money by cooking at home.

This is a ridiculous, inexcusable waste.

- Yeah. -You should take a home economics course

and learn the basics.

- (chuckling) - Yeah, I want a full fridge

and freezer, and a roster of good, nourishing meals.

You can't take a screaming baby out to restaurants every night.

You... It pisses people off.

You know what else pisses people off? Pregnant women who drink.

- Oh, come on... - Wine. What?

Are you joking? Are you joking?

I have given up everything for this kid.

I don't smoke, I don't smoke weed, I don't have spicy food.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hey, girl. Come on.

Where are you? Good girl, you ready?

- Come on. Hey. - (panting)

You all right?

Huh? Are you panting?

Huh? What's up, huh?

Good girl. Good girl.

I thought you said your dog was neutered, Karla.

I honestly didn't hear you, I thought you said "tutored."

In what way was your dog tutored?

He had some behavioral issues, so he did some classes

with a dog whisperer.

(scoffs) Well, thanks, Karla.

He may have scarred our dog for life.

Oh, stop it. You're being dramatic.

You give her the pills, it goes away; it's fine, honey.

Maybe, but this is my day off. I'm supposed to be having

a leisurely breakfast, and now I'm performing a home-abortion.

You know, it just doesn't make sense.

How could Kipper even accommodate your dog's penis?

(barking)

(muffled chatter)

(barking)

Shh!

(whispering): What? Andy.

- Andy, wake up. Wake up. - What? What? What? What? What?

Shh. Voices. Listen, there's voices.

- Where? I'm asleep. - I hear voices.

- What? I'm asleep. - In the living room. Shh.

- Listen. Get up. - No.

- Get up. - Take Kipper.

I don't want to go.

KARLA: It was smeared across my skin,

- with this ugly face... - MICK: Like, like Alien?

KARLA: Like, yeah, like... (hisses)

- MICK: Like Sigourney Weaver? - Like Sigourney Weaver.

- MICK: I like Sigourney Weaver. - (laughs): You do?

- MICK: Have you seen Avatar? - A long time ago.

(Homer growls, barks)

Oh, shit. Sorry. Oh, my God, did we wake you?

- What the hell, Karla? - Who is this?

I'm so sorry if we were being loud.

This is, um... fuck, what's your name?

- Mick. - Mick.

- Where did he come from? - He's on the street.

We passed him on the way back from the movies tonight.

- Don't remember that. - Exactly.

So I offered him some food. It's a thing we do.

I've got a roof over my head for a while.

It's cold out. Is that okay?

No. It's not. It's not okay, frankly.

- Why? - Do you know what, I-I get it.

If I had a nice gaff like this,

I wouldn't be letting random blokes in, either.

You should have just asked, run it by us first,

- but it's-it's fine. It's... - It's not. You know what?

It's not fine. We're putting up with you staying here.

That doesn't mean anyone you choose to bring home.

"Putting up" with me?

I didn't realize that was the way you looked at it.

- He doesn't mean it like that. - Don't I?

Do you know what, lads, you guys have some serious issues

you need to work out, so I'm just gonna...

No! No, Mick. While I'm staying here,

any friend of mine is welcome to come in

and share my good fortune, so you just...

you just stay right here.

I was actually just gonna go... toilet,

if that's all right?

It's on the right.

- Oh, okay, sorry. - TOBIN: He's not a friend of yours.

He's a stranger. And this is our apartment,

in which you are a guest, and that doesn't extend

to any random guy you just meet on the street.

So that's how it is with you, Tobin?

All gay and liberal and laid-back

until you actually have to give something up?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what this is about.

And what does my sexuality have to do with anything?

That sounds like homophobia to me.

Anybody would be on my side on this.

Is Andy? Are you, Andy, on his side?

- I am staying out of this, okay? - Oh, great, thank you.

Thank you for that. Welcome back.

Thank you.

Is this the first guy you've brought home here?

- First British guy. - TOBIN: Oh, Jesus Christ,

I didn't know we were running a shelter.

- You are so uptight. - I'm not uptight!

This place stinks of incense!

There's-there's prawn bhuna on the... on the carpet.

It's everywhere you... touch!

You've turned my living room into a... into a-a bedouin camp.

You've forced me into a dog abortion.

And now you're smoking skunk and drinking while pregnant

and having sex, probably, with Mick the stranger on my couch!

Did you say you did a dog abortion?

Oh, stay out of this, Mick. You're just here for a hot meal.

Do you know what, right?

Do you know what? I get it. Right?

But you should try some of her food,

'cause you might learn something.

Thanks, Mick.

See you soon.

You know what? You know what, Tobin?

You are an insufferable bore. You really are.

You claim you're interested in other people

with your documentaries, but there is no evidence

in your life whatsoever of you caring

about anyone but yourself. You read The New York Times,

and you bitch about Trump, but you mean none of it.

You're not interested in your community.

You just like the idea of it.

You're just a... y-you're a hipster liberal!

And you contribute to the community how?

By living off the generosity of other people?

What do you do for other people?

Huh? You're a world of one!

Oh, fuck you!

Can't even take care of your own baby.

(door slams)

Asshole.

♪ ♪

Karla? Karla?!

Karla?

Karla?!

♪ ♪

(panting quietly)

♪ ♪

(horn honks in distance)

I'm sorry I said that. Such an idiotic thing to say.

- I'm ashamed. - Oh, fuck it, Tobin, it's fine.

We don't have to agree on anything.

- Our lives are a world apart. - That may be right, but I...

but I-I shouldn't have said that shit.

You're welcome here, you know?

It's just...

it's hard for me.

You're probably right,

I've never contributed much to anything.

In L.A., I just got so sick of the money and...

and the waste next to the poverty and the suffering

and-and the fucking cars puking out this shit.

I thought if I don't... if I don't change the way I live,

I'm gonna be the biggest hypocrite alive.

- Well, that's admirable. - Yeah, I thought it was.

"Be the change you want to see" and all that.

But then I realized, no one is seeing this.

No one gives a shit. I don't blog.

I-I don't have kids to be an example to.

I'm invisible, like all these homeless people in the park.

Well, you do contribute, you know?

You're-you're-you're... interesting,

and you're... and you're troubled

and you're-you're honest.

You know, actually, I've really...

I've enjoyed coming home to see you in the evenings,

despite how it comes across, you know?

I never know... what to expect with you.

That's good. That's good for me.

The truth is, I'm terrified of this.

I don't know if I'm ready.

I'm so...

anal and-and neurotic.

I can barely stand anybody in my house, never mind a baby.

A baby? I don't know, I don't know.

You better make up your mind, Tobin.

Let's go home.

Yeah?

Fine.

(clears throat softly)

TOBIN: She's so tough

and-and-and resilient and...

But, you know, she lives how she feels.

Well, I think 'cause she genuinely believes it,

and she couldn't live any other way.

That's ballsy, and that's what you want in a kid, isn't it?

Yeah. Let's hope that part's in the genes.

- Mm, just not the cooking. - Jesus. No, not the cooking.

- TOBIN: All right. - ANDY: All right.

I think sex with Mick might have induced me.

What?

Seriously, I think it's gonna happen early.

- Okay, all right. - Okay. Let's go.

- All right. - Okay, are you all right?

- I know what to do. Bag. - Okay, that's all right.

- TOBIN: Okay. - ANDY: I got the bag.

- Do you have a bag? Do you? - I have a bag, yeah.

- You have a bag. Is it... - I'll get the bag.

- Where is it? - You just look out here!

- Okay, okay. - We have to put some clothes on...

I'll put it on when I get out on the street.

Come on.

I... Oh!

- All right... - Get a cab.

- Okay. - Get-get a cab.

- Hey! Hey! - Oh, my God.

You okay?

Ah. All right.

- Thank you. - You get on this side. Come on.

DOCTOR: Okay, these contractions are right on top of each other.

This is your last chance for an epidural, Karla.

Are you sure you don't want me to call the anesthesiologist?

(straining): No, I'm okay. Let's just keep going.

Are you sure? I don't get it. It's just medicine.

- (grunts) - You take antibiotics,

don't you, when you... when you're sick,

or penicillin, or aspirin when you get a headache?

- Come on. - Because I want to experience it!

I want to feel it! Fuck! Jesus fucking Christ!

I don't want to talk about it, I just want to do it!

All right, all right, all right, all right.

- Okay. Okay. Okay, you got this. - (Karla groaning)

Nine centimeters dilated.

Sir, do you need a glass of water?

No. No, no, I'm fine. I'm really good.

- Oh... -Sir, please do not faint in my delivery suite.

If you feel woozy, step outside. Okay?

Both of you, please.

You know, maybe I w... I'm, I'll get some air.

I'm-a get... I'll get air. You guys got this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got it, yeah, we'll see you later.

- Okay. - Do you want to go, too?

No. No. No. I'm not going anywhere.

(grunts): Oh, fuck!

- (exhaling rapidly) - Tobin, stop.

Okay, sorry. (exhaling rapidly)

- Tobin, you're still doing it. - Sorry, right...

- It's really, really annoying. - Yeah, yeah. I'll stop.

- I can't concentrate. - All right, okay, got it...

- Fuck. - (exhaling rapidly)

Tobin, just move your fucking head away!

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

DOCTOR: Good, Karla, you're doing so great.

Looking good. Okay, there's a head.

- Do you want to look at this? - Yeah.

DOCTOR: Okay, Karla, great. Great, great, great, great, great.

You can do this, you can absolutely do this.

I want you to give me a big push, come on.

Take a deep breath and give me a good push, okay?

- (Karla straining) - There you go, keep going,

keep going, keep going, you got it, you got it,

you got it, you got it, you got it!

- Great, great, great. Keep going. -Oh, God!

Okay, great! Great, great.

(laughs): Oh, my God.

- (crying) - Well done, Karla. Good job.

- (baby crying) - Oh, my God.

Oh...

(laughs): Oh...

- Oh, my God. - (Karla panting)

(exhales)

Well?

Girl.

- A girl? A girl? - (chuckles)

Oh, that's fantastic. And she's good?

- Oh, she's beautiful. - Five fingers, five toes,

- all beautiful, all perfect? - All that, all that, yeah.

Oh, my goodness. I can't believe this is happening.

- Oh, my God. Right. - This is happening.

- We're dads. - Uh-huh.

They're just monitoring her for 24 hours and then she'll be out.

We can all start taking care of her.

- You were amazing. - Thank you.

Like... amazing.

How's Andy?

We're giving him liquids, you know. He's stable.

(chuckles) Funny.

- I thought you'd be the fainter. - (laughs)

- Yeah, so did I. - But you weren't.

You stayed there and held my hand

and helped clean up the blood and cut the cord.

It was so amazing, seeing her head emerge, and...

And I like that I was the first guy to see her.

I-I can't wait to hold her. What was it like?

It was beautiful.

Can you take that hat off your head?

- You look ridiculous. (laughs) - (chuckles): I'm sorry.

But yeah, it was beautiful.

So have you thought about reconsidering the whole thing,

since seeing her?

Why, are you getting cold feet?

No. No, the opposite.

I want it now. I love her now.

Just like that, so I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

I'm just saying, if-if you've changed your mind,

that is... i-is, I totally get it.

We're just happy to, to get you here, you know?

Yeah. Well, um... (clears throat)

that's nice of you to offer.

Yeah, I mean...

Mine is a world of one. You were right about that.

I do have issues.

I will smoke skunk and sleep with guys I don't know.

And I just don't know how to say no.

I never have. If something comes my way, I just let it happen.

And I love the road, I feel safe there, but...

it's no place for a kid.

And maybe being a mother will change me, but...

I can't take that risk with her if it doesn't.

I've been irresponsible my whole life.

This is the first responsible thing that I've done.

You know, I can't, I can't stand being around people

for more than a few days, but...

I forgot about that for the last few weeks...

...'cause you guys are the most amazing people in the world.

Yeah.

You guys are gonna be the best parents ever.

- Well... we'll try. - (chuckles softly)

(sniffles)

Thank you so much.

(crying)

- (laughs) - (laughs): Stop.

My God...

(baby fusses softly)

(chair clatters softly)

Hey.

Uh, I want to tell you a story about your mom.

And I'll tell you now, when you can't talk back,

and you're not all... teenage and entitled,

uh, and in case you don't get to see her

as much as you want in life.

Which would be a shame, because, I am telling you now,

she is fucking... awesome.

She carried you like a trooper,

and she gave birth to you without one moment of fear.

I know, um, you're gonna ask me about why-why she's not around.

A long time ago, before there were cities,

human beings used to constantly move.

They were hunter-gatherers, and their lives were tough,

and-and relentless, but they were also kind of free.

Well, your mom is,

is kind of like, like a hunter-gatherer,

but a little bit born in the wrong time.

So, she can't take you with her,

because this society wouldn't support that.

So you get to hang with us for a, for a while.

Now, we're not hunter-gatherers, by any means.

We're capitalists.

We wouldn't survive a second in the wild because...

there's no restaurants or Whole Foods,

or therapists or hospitals for when you get sick

or, um, books for you to read or movies for you to watch.

Nothing. And we like those things, right?

So you stand to have a-a pretty good time with us, right?

JUNE: My book.

- Huh? - My book, Daddy, stop it.

- Story time is for her, not you. - Sorry.

But it's so good, right, June?

- Yeah. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What was I saying?

About cattle pips.

(chuckles): About... about... about capitalists.

- Yes. About... - About capitalists.

- (chuckles): Capitalists, yeah. - That's nice.

- I get ice cream? - Yeah, you do.

And other people make the ice cream for us,

which is great, right?

- Mommy likes ice cream, too. - She does?

Yeah, last time, we got two ice creams.

She gave you...? Mommy gave you two ice creams?

- Yeah. - Last time? Two?

- Mm-hmm. - For such a young child?

- (chuckles softly) Okay. - Okay.

But ice cream's nice, right?

Well, maybe not, maybe not two,

but ice cream is okay, just not two.

Lot of sugar.

- Okay, we're gonna go to sleep? - Yeah.

All right, go to sleep.

Eyes closed.

(whispers): Begin sleeping.

Okay, come on, close your eyes.

(whispers): Good girl.

♪ ♪

♪ Will you stay in our lovers' story? ♪

♪ If you stay, you won't be sorry ♪

♪ 'Cause we believe in you ♪

♪ Soon you'll grow ♪

♪ So take a chance with a couple of kooks ♪

♪ Hung up on romancing ♪

♪ Will you stay in our lovers' story? ♪

♪ If you stay, you won't be sorry ♪

♪ 'Cause we believe in you ♪

♪ Soon you'll grow ♪

♪ So take a chance with a couple of kooks ♪

♪ Hung up on romancing ♪

♪ We bought a lot of things to keep you warm and dry ♪

♪ And a funny old crib on which the paint won't dry ♪

♪ We bought you a pair of shoes... ♪