Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,708
(grunts softly)
2
00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:12,780
(snoring)
3
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:23,457
(snoring continues)
4
00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:30,898
(snoring stops)
5
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:40,074
(snoring resumes)
6
00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:47,315
I'm in hell.
7
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,485
You mind keeping it down?
8
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:55,123
9
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,229
Well, I just don't get it.
10
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:03,297
It's practical, economical,
and user-friendly.
11
00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:06,033
Mm. Yeah, man,
you're preaching to the choir.
12
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,635
There is no good reason
13
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,603
why America hasn't
embraced the spork.
14
00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:11,038
Yeah.
15
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:14,408
Mikey, what's your take
on the spork?
16
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:15,443
-The spork?
-Mm-hmm.
17
00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:16,577
Oh, I think he took
18
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,812
way too much attention
away from Buzz.
19
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:19,980
Ah.
20
00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:22,650
(groans)
I didn't sleep well last night.
21
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:24,252
Ah, what's keeping you up?
22
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:26,420
My wife's snoring.
23
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:28,722
Awake, she's the most
elegant woman ever.
24
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:32,293
Asleep, she's like
a blender full of nails.
25
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,761
Is there something wrong
with her? This is a new thing?
26
00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:34,762
She's always snored,
27
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:36,397
I just didn't notice it,
but now I do,
28
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,765
'cause I'm getting up
three times a night
29
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:39,567
-to pee.
-Oh.
30
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,101
Only three times?
31
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:43,271
I'm about to start sleeping
in the bathroom.
32
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:46,340
You have spare bedrooms
in that house.
33
00:01:46,374 --> 00:01:47,975
Try sleeping in one of those.
34
00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:50,611
Yeah, couples sleep in
separate bedrooms all the time.
35
00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:52,213
They're called "apart-ners."
36
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:57,251
Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband
swear by it. Yeah, I've...
37
00:01:57,285 --> 00:02:00,621
Someone left
a People magazine in the john.
38
00:02:00,654 --> 00:02:02,156
Well, if there's any group
of people
39
00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,691
who I want
to emulate their lifestyle,
40
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:06,194
it's those left-wing loonies
out in Hollywood.
41
00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:10,331
Hey, hey, hey, Carol and I sleep
in separate bedrooms.
42
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:12,800
The woman kicks like
a professional soccer player,
43
00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:15,436
and I got tired
of being the ball.
44
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,771
What about the fun part
of sharing a bed?
45
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:20,341
Hmm? Like, like spooning?
46
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:22,376
Or sporking?
47
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,779
No, seriously, have you ever
brought up the idea
48
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,815
of separate bedrooms to Vanessa?
49
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,550
It would be too strange.
After 30 years of marriage,
50
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:31,719
I-I couldn't do it.
I mean, maybe...
51
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:33,954
Does it surprise you guys?
I don't like change.
52
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:37,090
Hmm, we know.
You still have an AOL account.
53
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,796
So, what'd you guys think
of the vegan chili?
54
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,164
Oh, it was great.
55
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:47,735
If you make it again,
I'd add a little more salt.
56
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,903
And ground beef.
57
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,674
Hope you guys saved room
for dessert.
58
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:55,976
Oh, uh, yeah, and this is not
just any type of dessert.
59
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,978
It is a very special cake.
60
00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,247
You made it?
61
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,848
Oh, goody.
62
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:03,384
A cake without the things
that make cake "cake."
63
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:08,088
"Will you be
our baby's godparents?"
64
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:10,258
Godparents.
Are you serious?
65
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:11,425
Dead serious.
66
00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:14,428
Now, do we bake you a cake
that says "yes"?
67
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:18,566
I thought aunt was a good job,
but godparents?
68
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:22,236
A parent sent by God.
69
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:24,004
Uh, yeah. You guys were
our first choice.
70
00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:27,575
Well, I asked the Obamas--
knew it was a long shot.
71
00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,877
I don't know anything
about being a godfather.
72
00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:33,080
I guess I'll have to watch
that movie.
73
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:34,715
The Godfather.
74
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,251
No.
No-no research necessary.
75
00:03:37,285 --> 00:03:38,552
You guys are gonna be great.
76
00:03:38,586 --> 00:03:41,522
Oh, I can't wait.
I'm gonna do so many things
77
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,123
for my little goddaughter.
78
00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:45,793
Decorate her little nursery,
79
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,428
buy her little shoes,
80
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,196
style her little hair
with a little comb,
81
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,731
with a little brush,
with a little... Ooh!
82
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,700
-I'm so excited.
-(laughs)
83
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,868
She's very lucky
to have you both.
84
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,737
I mean, you think
they would have at least
85
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,272
responded with a form letter.
86
00:03:58,306 --> 00:04:00,741
It just doesn't seem
like Michelle.
87
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,080
(sputters, sighs)
88
00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:08,282
You okay?
(chuckles)
89
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,783
Something bothering you?
90
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:12,219
Yeah, just thinking about
91
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:15,155
what a selfish S.O.B. I am.
92
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:18,426
Never bothered you before.
93
00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:21,729
Um... what-what do you mean,
you're selfish?
94
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:24,898
I just don't know
how I can sleep
95
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:27,234
knowing all the noise I make
is gonna, you know,
96
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,503
keep you awake.
97
00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:32,806
Oh, no, don't-don't worry.
It's not that bad.
98
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,808
Sleeping with me, it's-it's...
99
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,810
it's got to be like sleeping,
you know,
100
00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:39,179
with a blender full of nails.
101
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:41,949
Or, you know, or whatever
you think I sound like.
102
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:44,352
(laughs)
You know, it's your bed, too.
103
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:45,986
Don't-don't worry about me.
104
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:48,255
Damn it, I will worry about you.
105
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:51,692
Honey, tonight I'm gonna just
sleep in Mandy's old room.
106
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,628
Well, honey, I don't care
if you wake me, I swear.
107
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:56,263
-I-I...
-Listen, you're just an angel.
108
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,766
You are an angel, and
the last thing you want to do
109
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,668
in this world is wake an angel.
110
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:01,869
It's in the Bible.
111
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:03,070
Honey, I...
112
00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:09,843
(whistling a tune)
113
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:11,144
Hey, Jen.
114
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:14,214
How are you this lovely,
fine day, huh?
115
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,484
Confused.
116
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,851
Were you whistling?
117
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,620
Yes, I was whistling.
Why wouldn't I be whistling?
118
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,522
Sun's out, birds are singing.
119
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:25,393
It's a beautiful
zip-a-dee-doo-dah day.
120
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,662
Why are you so happy?
121
00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:31,331
Are you sending me back
to Hong Kong?
122
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:35,503
I haven't slept this well
in months.
123
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,371
I feel like a young Mike Baxter.
124
00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,039
And not just because
I had a dream
125
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:41,409
about me being
on my Kawasaki triple,
126
00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:43,544
Stevie Nicks holding on tight,
127
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:46,246
whispering sweet stuff
in my ear.
128
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:48,882
He sounds like a cool guy.
129
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:51,819
Coffee?
130
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,421
No, no.
I don't need coffee.
131
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,989
I'm full of energy,
hope, optimism.
132
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:59,627
I-I could... (chuckles) I could
almost vote for a Democrat.
133
00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:02,530
If I slept like this
all the time,
134
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:04,331
what-what couldn't I accomplish?
135
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,568
Get the summit of Everest,
you know, write my memoirs,
136
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:10,103
finally quarterback
for the Broncos.
137
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:13,140
Flacco, I'm coming
for you, buddy.
138
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,176
-Ugh.
-(chuckles)
139
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,045
-Good morning, Vanessa.
-Ugh!
140
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,379
You didn't sleep well?
141
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:21,549
No, not a wink.
You know,
142
00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:23,584
it was sweet of you
to try a separate bedroom,
143
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:26,587
but obviously
we will never do that again.
144
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,562
Tonight you ride alone, Stevie.
145
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,134
CHUCK:
Here you go, Ed.
146
00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:42,870
-Oh, thank you, thank you.
-Mm-hmm.
147
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,271
Is Mike in yet?
148
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:46,106
No.
149
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:48,776
You think we gave him
good advice yesterday, Ed?
150
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:51,779
Hmm?
Honestly, I do not know.
151
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:55,182
Uh, what did we tell him again?
152
00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:59,487
We told him
to try separate beds, Ed.
153
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,890
Well, I'm sorry I have a life.
Excuse me.
154
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,925
I mean, I love the guy,
but I don't sit around
155
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,326
thinking about him all day long.
156
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,595
(chuckles)
157
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:10,798
Yeah, me neither.
158
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:14,101
Hey, boys. Guess what I ate
my eggs with this morning.
159
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,504
A spork.
160
00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:18,338
(both laugh)
161
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:20,007
Oh, you're in a good mood.
162
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,275
I guess the separate bedrooms
idea worked.
163
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:24,244
Well, not for Vanessa.
164
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,814
She hated it so much she never
wants to do that again.
165
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:28,816
Do you know how awful it feels
166
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:30,651
to be in paradise
just for a moment,
167
00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:32,185
then get kicked out on your ass?
168
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,654
Yes, I do.
169
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:36,356
Jimmy Buffett concert, 1997.
170
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:39,860
Apparently I was dancing
too suggestively.
171
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:42,863
I'm just gonna tell her
she snores.
172
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,665
No, no, no,
that's-that's a bad idea.
173
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:47,801
Uh, truth in marriage
only works out for one person:
174
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,537
the divorce lawyer.
175
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,272
Yeah, man, think about it.
176
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,842
There's got to be a reason
why you never told her before.
177
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:56,977
Yeah, because my wife
is an extremely kind
178
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,378
and caring individual.
179
00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,948
I would never do anything
to hurt her feelings.
180
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,449
But?
181
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,184
But I had a good night's sleep.
182
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,654
I think she can handle it.
183
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,556
Well, it'll definitely
184
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,724
land them in separate bedrooms.
185
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:12,860
You're still on that?
186
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,595
Get a life.
187
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,667
-Hey.
-Hey.
188
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:20,668
What you doing?
189
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,536
Decorating the nursery.
190
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:27,207
Oh. So my daughter's first
bedroom is going to be pink.
191
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,876
Well, you're having a girl.
192
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:30,310
Duh. (laughs)
193
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,812
Uh, and it's not just pink.
194
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:34,548
It is Flamingo, Cotton Candy,
Bubble Gum, and Ballet Slipper.
195
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:39,052
Yeah, those are as different
as night and evening.
196
00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:41,722
Um, hey, look, Mandy,
197
00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:44,925
I-I really wanted a non-gender-
specific nursery for our baby.
198
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:47,494
I-I don't want the decor
to put any limitations on her.
199
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,163
It doesn't. This room tells her
she's a princess.
200
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,700
Princesses set fashion trends,
they start diet fads.
201
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,902
If that's not power,
then what is?
202
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:57,170
Okay, um...
203
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,772
look, just imagine a generation
204
00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:01,441
that isn't locked
into these outdated stereotypes.
205
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,944
I really want my daughter
to be a part of that, and...
206
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:06,680
she can't do that
from underneath a pink blanket.
207
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,782
(scoffs)
This is Blushing Cherry Blossom.
208
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,618
Are you blind?
209
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:14,087
Well, it's my baby, my house,
and you're just the decorator.
210
00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:15,188
I'm not just the decorator.
211
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,456
I am not just the aunt.
212
00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:18,125
I am the godmother
to a princess!
213
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,593
Get out of my fairy tale!
214
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:23,296
Whoa.
What's with all the yelling?
215
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,565
Uh, your sister
is imposing archaic,
216
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:28,201
patriarchal strictures
on our unborn daughter.
217
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,570
And Ryan is being a butt.
218
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,141
Well, knock it off, both of you.
219
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:37,711
Okay? This baby, and having you
and Kyle be the godparents,
220
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:40,648
is about bringing us all
together as a family.
221
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:41,649
-Okay...
-Yeah, but...
222
00:09:41,682 --> 00:09:43,383
I don't want to hear it! Okay?
223
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:44,652
You need to work this out.
224
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:47,054
I am not letting the two of you
ruin this for me.
225
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:50,090
My body is flooded
with love hormones!
226
00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:54,928
VANESSA:
Hi.
227
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:56,429
-How was work? Hey.
-Well...
228
00:09:56,463 --> 00:10:00,333
-Mwah. Oh.
-Work was the usual.
229
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:02,736
You know, taxing.
230
00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:05,072
Everybody coming to me
231
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,808
to solve
their relationship problems.
232
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,476
Coming to you?
233
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,444
Why, were there no brick walls
to talk to?
234
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,083
(chuckles):
Oh, man.
235
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:18,585
You are beautiful, funny,
236
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,488
and so understanding.
237
00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:22,690
Mike?
238
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,658
You snore.
239
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,128
What?
240
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:30,030
Yeah, you-you've been snoring
a lot lately.
241
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:33,266
I mean, with an extraordinary
amount of gusto, I might add.
242
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,503
(scoffs)
No, I don't think I snore.
243
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:38,005
(chuckling):
I-I beg to differ.
244
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:41,508
I think I'd get the neighbors
on both sides of us to agree.
245
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:45,312
And possibly
the U.S. Geological Service.
246
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:47,715
So is this what
all that nonsense was
247
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,382
about separate bedrooms?
248
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,418
You said you didn't want
to disturb me.
249
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:55,823
That's called lying.
250
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,559
Well, why did you feel
you had to lie?
251
00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:02,295
If you'd just told me I snore,
I would stop.
252
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,631
(chuckles)
253
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,900
Y-You would just stop.
254
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,002
Yes.
255
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:11,304
Vanessa... (stammers)
256
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,373
people spend billions
of dollars a year
257
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:16,409
trying to ease their snoring,
258
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,678
but you...
259
00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:21,749
can just stop.
260
00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:26,720
Yeah, of course I can,
and after I do,
261
00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:29,556
we're gonna drop all this talk
about separate bedrooms, okay?
262
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:30,858
-Okay.
-Okay.
263
00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:33,426
So this is honesty.
264
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:34,694
God.
265
00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:36,696
No wonder nobody does it.
266
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:40,200
267
00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:12,599
(sighing quietly)
268
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:30,683
-Morning.
-Hey.
269
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,116
(sighs)
270
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:13,827
(crying):
It's so cold.
271
00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:17,197
Here, come over here
and sit down. Come-come on.
272
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:19,699
Come on, Vanessa, sit down.
I'll make us something.
273
00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:26,173
-There you go, come on,
sit for a second.
-Oh, yeah.
274
00:13:26,206 --> 00:13:28,808
You're right, you're right.
This is much better.
275
00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:31,544
(grunts)
You...
276
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:36,816
-Catch me!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
277
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,818
You startled me.
Listen...
278
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,654
Listen, I'm-I'm...
You didn't sleep so well.
279
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:43,356
O-Or you slept so well
while you were sleeping,
280
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:44,858
somebody stole your mind?
281
00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,659
Okay, fine.
282
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:48,862
All right, maybe I-I had
a rough night, honey.
283
00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:50,363
One rough night?
284
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:52,799
I don't...
One, two, four, I...
285
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,667
Don't make me count.
I...
286
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:58,005
Baby, we can't keep doing this.
We've got to do something.
287
00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,873
I know.
Look, just, Mike, no-no,
288
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,508
not separate bedrooms
again, okay?
289
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,843
I-I don't want to sleep
without you.
290
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:06,079
I-I mean, when I was doing all
the roadwork for Outdoor Man,
291
00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:07,514
I was gone forever.
You slept good then.
292
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,249
No, I know, but it wasn't
a problem then.
293
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:11,218
Yes, you were gone, but...
294
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,720
I knew you were coming back.
295
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,822
I-I'm not going anywhere,
I'm just down the hall.
296
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,657
Yeah, right. You're right,
in the kids' room,
297
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,226
because they left.
298
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:22,029
Mike, so much has changed
in our lives.
299
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:24,664
Don't-don't...
don't change this, too.
300
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,366
I won't, I won't.
301
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,768
But I-I want you
to be able to sleep.
302
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:30,237
(chuckles) You probably
shouldn't have told me
303
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,539
that it breaks your heart if
I sleep in another room, then.
304
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,109
We're gonna take care of this.
We're gonna do something.
305
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:38,011
We'll-we'll figure this out.
We'll figure this out, okay?
306
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,512
-Hmm, mm-hmm.
-Good.
307
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,548
All right, well, I'm just gonna,
uh, take a shower
308
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:43,016
-and try to wake up.
-Great, great.
309
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:45,052
And I'll make us some eggs,
you come back down...
310
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:48,755
You can go to the shower up
where it usually is, upstairs.
311
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,795
What even was the name of that
store, Crappy's House of Crap?
312
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:58,398
Fine, Mandy. You didn't like
the rug that I picked out.
313
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:00,067
Forgive me for wanting
to have any say
314
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,102
in what my daughter's room
is going to look like.
315
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:03,570
Well, of course
I forgive you, Ryan.
316
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:05,105
It's your taste
that's unforgivable.
317
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,908
I know, we're not
supposed to be arguing.
318
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,243
Just forget you saw that.
319
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:13,913
I'm afraid I can't.
It's out of my hands.
320
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:17,084
What?
What does that mean?
321
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:21,288
The Godfather would like
to see you both.
322
00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:30,030
(imitating Don Corleone):
How did things ever get so far?
323
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,767
I don't know.
It's so unfortunate,
324
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:39,006
so unnecessary.
325
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:40,607
Kyle, what are you...?
326
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,975
Eh...
327
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:46,479
We are en familia,
in the family,
328
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:49,449
but these things that you're
saying to one another,
329
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,284
they're the-the words
of strangers,
330
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:54,054
the words of animals.
331
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,591
(whispers indistinctly)
332
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:01,628
And now I hear you're
fighting over a rug.
333
00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:05,132
A rug.
334
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:07,934
Yeah, but it was super ugly.
335
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,337
This-- this is super ugly.
336
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:15,708
Uh, okay, uh, Kyle... (chuckles)
glad you liked the movie.
337
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,811
(normal voice):
I watched them all.
They were awesome.
338
00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:22,349
Um, but this is our baby.
339
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:25,952
Okay, uh, why did you even
make me the godmother, then?
340
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,487
You know, I don't know.
341
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,156
I don't even know
what we were thinking.
342
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:30,623
KRISTIN:
Ryan, stop.
343
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,725
No, you know exactly
what we were thinking.
344
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:35,728
-Why don't-why don't you
just tell her?
-What? No.
345
00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:37,497
I'm not gonna do that.
It doesn't matter.
346
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:40,167
(imitating Don Corleone):
Ryan, I'm gonna make you
an offer that you...
347
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,169
Okay, enough.
348
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:47,340
Ryan, just-just tell her
what you said to me.
349
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:49,076
I don't even remember, exactly.
350
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:50,810
(sighs)
Okay, fine, I do.
351
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:54,547
You said that if you could give
our daughter the secret
352
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:56,716
that is inside of Mandy,
353
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,851
the thing that
makes her so alive
354
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:01,688
and so in love with the world,
355
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,891
it would be the best gift
we could ever give her.
356
00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:07,360
You said that?
357
00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:10,563
I don't know.
I guess.
358
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,566
Okay, I did.
359
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,903
(normal voice):
Oh, boy, here it comes.
360
00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:20,607
So, if the two of you could--
I don't know--
361
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,041
work together on this, yeah?
362
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:24,043
Yeah, we should. We should.
363
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:27,580
The-the rug wasn't horrible.
364
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,782
Thank you.
Uh, but maybe the one
365
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,418
with the pink pattern
would be better.
366
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:34,454
-Back to the store?
-Okay.
367
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,289
Okay.
368
00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:39,359
Thanks.
369
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,361
Thank you for stepping in,
Godfather.
370
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,996
-Just when I think I'm out,
they pull me...
-Nope!
371
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:47,867
MIKE:
I just want you to know
372
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,902
I-I will move heaven and earth
373
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,938
to keep sharing the bed
with my lovely wife, okay?
374
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:54,274
Oh, honey, that is
so sweet of you to say.
375
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:56,409
So-so, am I supposed
to just forget
376
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,311
that you said I sound
like a pig farm?
377
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:02,081
Pretty sure I said
slaughterhouse.
378
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:06,986
Oh, wow.
Look at that bed.
379
00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:10,290
(laughs) So this is why you kept
me out of the house all day.
380
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:12,325
Right. Our old one's
on the way to the dump
381
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,761
to make a fine home
for some stray cats.
382
00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:17,897
Oh, look at this.
Gosh, just like a hospital bed
383
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,433
except, you know, without
all the pain of childbirth.
384
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:21,501
(Mike chuckles)
385
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,002
Well, I did a little research.
386
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,771
It turns out changing
your sleep position
387
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:25,972
can help with your snoring,
388
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:29,008
and this thing goes
from flat to taco.
389
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,977
(Vanessa chuckles)
390
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:33,112
Honey, this is so thoughtful.
391
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,282
Um, you want to,
you want to push a button
392
00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:38,084
before my forehead
touches my knees? (chuckles)
393
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,987
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, h-ho...
There we go.
394
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:43,523
-Okay.
-Okay.
395
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,091
Ooh! (chuckles)
396
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:48,361
Uh, so what if this
doesn't work?
397
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:51,998
I have a plan B,
the Nature Spa 3000.
398
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:54,867
It's a sound machine.
All right?
399
00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:56,669
I realize that
when I was in the Amazon,
400
00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:57,937
I could be lulled to sleep
401
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:01,474
by the beautiful sweet
sounds of nature...
402
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:05,044
(animals screeching)
403
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:07,113
And that's supposed
to drown out my snoring?
404
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,948
Can't hear you, honey.
405
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,484
Right there we got
the beautiful, sweet sound
406
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:14,854
of the howler monkey
and the bulldog bat.
407
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:18,725
(animals continue screeching)
408
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:20,727
You know what?
I am so touched
409
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,629
that you went to all this
trouble for me.
410
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,897
I mean, honey, you sure it
wouldn't be easier for you
411
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,199
to just sleep in Mandy's room?
412
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,669
Then I wouldn't be able
to sleep with you.
413
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:33,373
Mmm. Oh, you better watch out,
I'm coming down!
414
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:44,584
Guys, I can't really sleep
with all this noise.
415
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:47,354
-Can't hear you.
-(volume increases)
416
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,021
Rude.
417
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:54,227
-Oh, those darn howler monkeys.
-Mmm.
418
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,770
Hey there, Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man.
419
00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:06,839
Talking today
about gravitational pull,
420
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:10,777
the diabolical force of physics
that keeps us earthbound,
421
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,412
skins our kids' knees,
422
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:16,749
and makes plastic surgeons
very, very rich.
423
00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:19,419
Yeah, gravity is constantly
pulling at us,
424
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:22,221
relentlessly as a telemarketer,
until eventually
425
00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:25,124
it swallows us
right into the ground.
426
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:27,360
Happy thought, huh?
427
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:30,229
Of course, the Earth itself
would fly off into space
428
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,432
if it weren't for the pull
of the Sun's gravity.
429
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,734
It was my close friend
Copernicus
430
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:36,969
who reached
the blasphemous conclusion
431
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:39,138
that the Sun was the center
of the universe.
432
00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:40,940
Can you imagine that, huh?
433
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:44,243
But he escaped the punishment of
the church in a very clever way.
434
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:47,980
Right after publishing
his ideas, he croaked.
435
00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:50,617
(laughs)
436
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:55,455
Nobody tell Hemingway, but
the Sun doesn't actually rise.
437
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,290
It just sits there
with its arms folded
438
00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:59,992
while the puny little Earth
runs laps around it
439
00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:03,262
like an overcaffeinated
Chihuahua.
440
00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:06,065
I'm not a flat-earther
or a geocentrist,
441
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:09,736
but the Sun is not the center
of my universe.
442
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,571
My lovely wife Vanessa is.
443
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,840
She's my rock,
and her gravitational pull
444
00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,643
actually allows me to soar.
445
00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:19,111
The harmonious way
we orbit around each other
446
00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:21,013
is like the...
the music of spheres,
447
00:21:21,047 --> 00:21:22,615
which, of course,
I've never heard
448
00:21:22,649 --> 00:21:26,285
because my rock snores
like a congested wild hog.
449
00:21:29,389 --> 00:21:32,992
And that is why we are
selling sound machines,
450
00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:35,795
on sale this week
at Outdoor Man.
451
00:21:35,828 --> 00:21:37,229
Baxter out.
452
00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:40,266
(chicken clucks)
453
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,301
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
33343
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof