All language subtitles for Last Man Standing 8x05 - The Office (English)

- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -

- Hey, Carol. Hey, Chuck.
- Hey. Hi.

- Hey.
- Come on in. You guys are early.

Uh, we're always early.

I'm a Marine, Carol's a principal.

We're on-time people.

Nah, I was late one time in my life.

Now he's a sophomore in college.

- Come on in, guys.
- All right.

- Where's Vanessa?
- Uh, she's also late.

Not your kind of late, but, uh,

her tutoring business has
pretty much outgrown the house,

so she's driving around
and teaching kids.

She is the only person I know
making money in education.

Well, based on my taxes,
somebody's getting rich.

Look, look, we made it a minute

before Baxter complained about taxes.

And in that minute, I
bet they went up again.

Listen, while she's not
here, maybe one of you two

can help me out with a little gift idea.

- Oh, what's the occasion?
- Uh, well, her tutoring business

is three years old this week,

so I want to get her a little something.

- Mm.
- Oh, you need help?

God's gift to gift-giving?

Yeah, well, I keep upping my game.

I'm like Evel Knievel going,
"Hey, let's add another bus".

- That's just so thoughtful.
- I am.

I've been a principal for two years,

and my husband hasn't gotten me squat.

Look at that.

I mention "bus", you
get tossed under it.

Next time, we wait till we see
Vanessa's car in the driveway

before we knock on the door.

Hey! Hi, guys.

- Hi.
- Sorry I'm late.

- Hey.
- Been flying all over town.

My last two kids are ten miles apart.

I have to leave the Wilsons at 4:31

to get to the Jacksons at 4:51.

So, who can tell me my average speed?

Honey... you're, you're
still in tutor mode.

- You're off the clock.
- Oh.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry. All right.
- Mwah.

Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.

I'm all for that.

You could tell us all about
your day over some egg rolls.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Thirty!

30 miles an hour.

That-that... that's the average speed.

That is correct, Mike.

- You get a sticker.
- Great.

I got five stickers.

I get ten, she's gonna
give me a-a, uh-uh-uh...

You don't need to know that.

Oh. Hey, hey, hey, Baxter.

I got an idea for a gift for Vanessa.

- Oh, good.
- Uh, a pen.

- A pen?
- Yeah, a pen.

Wow.

Next year, I could get her some paper.

You're an idiot.

I meant, like, a nice pen.

You know, I actually outdid myself.

I got her something this morning.

- What is it? Huh?
- Uh, look at that.

Well, if that's the key to your heart,

you're gonna get a kick in the nuts.

On the way to the
dinner the other night,

I noticed a little
office space for lease.

Perfect for a small tutoring business.

Leased it this morning.

So, you got her a place to work.

No, no, no. This is tender,
special and particular.

Testicular.

Well, it sounds a lot like the time

when I got Carol a vacuum cleaner.

I got real good at using it.

Good morning, Kristin.

Now that I sell my
athleisure line in the store,

I get to drink the employee coffee.

It's delicious.

Yeah, uh, I just cleaned the pot.

You're mostly drinking vinegar.

I know.

Hi, honey.

Oh, no, no, nope, no, I'm not "honey".

I'm here on official HR
business, so I'm "Mr. Anderson".

Well, is one of us in trouble?

I don't know. What'd you do?

Wait. No, no, don't tell me,

'cause then I'll have to start a file,

and then once you have a
file, there's no going back.

Well, why are you here, Mr. Anderson?

Well, I was looking at your record,

and you never took the
employee orientation.

- What's that?
- Everyone takes it.

You learn about company
policy and workplace safety

and, um, dress code.

Side note... that skirt is

probably too short.

Watch it.

Yeah, but I mean, I'm your wife,

so I probably don't have to
take that orientation, right?

Wrong. Mandatory.

I bet Kristin didn't take it.

I most certainly did.

Well, Kristin most certainly did not.

Good catch, Mandy.

I'm going to kill you.

Okay, so, side note...

that's a threat, which is a huge no-no.

But you'll hear more about that tomorrow

at noon in the conference room.

Oh, and wear comfy clothes.

There will be activities.

I love our regular
dinners with you guys,

but, uh, honey, where are we?

What is this... some-some
office-themed restaurant?

Oh, I hope we're not eating
out of vending machines.

I already had expired yogurt

and Mentos for lunch.

Well, prepare to be amazed... Suite 104.

This has got "vacuum
cleaner" written all over it.

Well, congratulations on three years

of Vanessa Baxter Tutoring.

Welcome to your new office.

You rented this for me? Oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my...

Mike, oh... This is so thoughtful.

- So, do you like it?
- I do. Oh, my...

- I love it. I love it.
- All right.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, okay, okay.

So, you proved me wrong
and made your wife happy.

The place has already paid for itself.

Think of all the science
experiments you'll have in here.

I mean... it's starting to smell a lot

like nerd already.

This is an awesome gift, Mike.

You saw what your wife needed,

- and you got it for her.
- Yeah.

I sure hope the other men in
this room are taking notes.

Now it's paid for itself.

You have gotten me some
amazing gifts over the years,

but you have really outdone yourself

- on this one.
- Okay. But I'm not done yet.

- Oh.
- Chuck, I need a little hand

bringing in the grand finale.

There's a finale?

I vacuumed the house before we left.

Did you see that?

Vanessa, this is something else!

- I...
- You have built an empire.

Well, I don't know if I built an empire,

but I-I've done pretty well.

I-I get more students every month.

Well, maybe you have me to
thank for your booming business.

'Cause if my school wasn't floundering,

you wouldn't be so in demand.

I mean, I-I don't know.

I-I think maybe my
students love to learn.

Oh, yeah, that's a book on teenagers.

"They love to learn".

But, hey, you know, I'm-I'm
so happy you're doing this.

- Oh.
- 'Cause the state made more cutbacks.

So, I'm glad, 'cause at
least some of the kids

will be getting a decent education.

Well, thank you.

I think.

You know what, forget I said anything.

- Let's just celebrate your success, okay?
- W-Wait, no,

but-but-but the success that
I'm apparently only earning

because the school system's failing.

Vanessa, no!

I mean, yes, but no.

No, I-I'm being a downer.

It's just...

we got next year's budget and...

oh... it's gonna be brutal.

Oh. Well, great, great.

Because, because the
worse it is for students,

the better it is for me, and I'm...

I am such a monster.

- You are not responsible for the bureaucracy.
- I-I know.

- But...
- It is what it is, Vanessa.

Pl... Listen, if you can
make a buck or two off

of this lousy, broken system,

- then I say go for it.
- No.

No.

So, um, hey, this is exciting, right?

Mm.

- Set it over there.
- Okay.

Okay.

Ready for your future, honey?

Mm-hmm.

All right. Yeah.

"Vanessa Baxter.

She starts where school stops".

Oh, this is a nightmare.

You know what, Mike, I'm sorry. It's...

- it's just not gonna work. Just no.
- Hey.

- Not gonna work.
- Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

How long have we been gone?

? Howdy-hoo! ?

You know, some men can enter
a room without saying anything.

Yes, but then how would you
know when he's in a good...

? Mood? ?

Uh, quarterlies for the pot shop.

We are on track for
the best quarter yet.

Good.

Hey, great, actually.

You know, you may be able
to help me with something.

I want to convince
Vanessa that she's crazy.

Wait, you want me to be a pawn

in one of your evil little head games?

Why's it have to be a pawn?
I'm just... It's just a plan.

Oh, no, no, I'm gonna do it.

I never get to be a part of
the evil little head games.

I'm always the victim.

Well, the day is still young.

- Huh.
- Okay, here's the deal.

She thinks that her tutoring business

is profiting off the back
of a broken school system.

But it's not?

Yeah, it is.

But it's fine,

because she's providing
a valuable service, right?

Oh.

She thinks she's a vulture capitalist.

Why do people say that
like that's a bad thing?

Without the vulture,

the desert would be
littered with dead cowboys.

All right. I'm in. What's the play?

Ooh! Does my character
have an "ock-cent"?

Yes. Yes.

You're from Dumb-landia.

Uh, you moved me out of Moron-ville?

Well, you-you have a
dual citizenship, okay?

Here's the truth. You
know, you used to be

a card-carrying commie, right?

Then you turned into a capitalist

'cause your business turned a profit.

Well, it's not really that simple, Mike.

Well, it's not that complicated either.

We just have to convince my
wife that it's okay to succeed.

I got you, bro.

All right.

Hey. Hey, Ryan!

What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, quarterly meeting with the boss.

- Oh.
- Yes. Uh, turns out

the pot shop's turning
quite a nice profit.

Yep, you know me.

All about bagging them Benjamins.

But y-you remember you were
struggling with your conscience

about that initially, right?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll admit, it was, it was tough.

You know? Uh, running
a successful business

is quite the moral quandary.

It's like, what do you do
with all that money?

But, ultimately, I realized
it was a good thing.

Yeah. Greed is good.

Why did we stop saying that?

Well, you never did.

Um, so, so, what did you do, Ryan?

Well, remember last year when I
was freaking out about the bees?

No, but it's certainly in character.

They are facing extinction,

and I really wanted to help.

But there was not much that I could do

other than post about it.

So, when the pot shop took off,

I was able to donate some of the money

to organizations that
help keep bees alive.

Hmm. Was one of them called
the Bees' Needs?

Yeah.

Yeah, no, no, Ryan's
right. You're right.

And I've been thinking
along the same lines, too.

There is a way to run
my tutoring business

and... feel good about
it at the same time.

Wow, I knew there was a capitalist

- under those sweet curls.
- No, no, no. No. No, no.

- Yeah.
- I-I'm going to donate

all the tutoring money
to Carol's school.

- You're what?
- Mm-hmm.

Ooh. Ooh, ooh. You know what else?

You don't need the office, either.

You could donate that money
to Carol's school, too.

That's a great idea. That is great.

Oh, wow. Wow, thank you. You know what?

I-I... I feel like a weight has
been lifted off my shoulders.

Hey, hold, wait, yeah, hold...

Hey, hold... Wait.

The Memorial Day sale
here at Outdoor Man

kicks off the summer season,

which is only a few
short weeks away from...

Anybody?

Anybody?

That's right... the
Outdoor Man family picnic!

Uh, show of hands.

Who likes a sack race?

The family picnic is one of our
four most-sponsored galleries

we have for employees
throughout the year...

How is he still talking?

He's been at this for hours.

I don't know.

I feel like I'm getting
roped in to a time-share.

Let's make a break for it.

- What? You mean leave?
- Yeah.

- He would see us.
- I know. I have an idea.

Mr. Anderson?

My sister's experiencing
some pregnancy...

... lady stuff.

What... Lady stuff?

What is it?

Oh, wait, wait.

It's medical. I can't ask about that.

It's... it's fine. It's just...

Oh, oh, yeah...

Oh, it hurts a little bit.

- Ow.
- Kris, Kris,

we really need to get
ahold of your O.B....

Wan Kenobi.

Right, my doctor.

Dr. Kenobi.

Oh, yeah, we should...

we should call him right away.

- Do you guys need any help?
- Oh, no, no, no.

We'll be fine. Just mark
down that we were here.

Enjoy the activities, everybody.

Aw, now they know.

- Mike.
- Hey, Carol.

I just want to say

this donation is really
gonna help our school.

We owe Vanessa the biggest thank you.

My name is on the check, too.

Thank you, Mike.

I assume this mess on the
lower right is your signature.

You know, when the check
gets to be a certain amount,

my hand fights me. Stop it, stop it.

You should really feel
good about this, Mike.

Well, it's really not about me.
It's about making my wife happy.

Now, I know Chuck doesn't
believe in that sort of thing,

but some of us are different.

Oh, hey, I want to say sorry

if I put a damper on
your gift the other night.

You didn't put a damper on it, Carol.

You flat-out ruined it.

I was just telling her the truth.

The schools aren't cutting it,
and until they get it together,

her tutoring business...
is better than nothing.

God, I should have put that on the card.

"Congratulations on the
new tutoring business.

It's better than nothing, honey".

No. No, it's those idiots
in the state assembly.

They keep cutting the
public school budget.

Public schools, public transportation,

public restrooms.

When it has the word "public" in it,

it's probably a mess.

Hey, sweetie, ready for lunch?

- Yeah.
- We should probably let Baxter

get to the store to
do some gift shopping.

Yeah. I should buy her a
pen like you told me to.

Hear that, Carol? He thinks I should

buy my wife a pen.

What is wrong with you?

Well, I meant, like, a nice pen.

With, like, a leather case and...

Hey, Mike Baxter for Outdoor Man,

talking about education.

Don't click away! Don't click.

Listen. When I was a kid
at Lincoln High School,

it was like this big fat hoagie,

stuffed with everything you needed, man.

We had-we had shop class,
where I learned to carve my name

in a board with a router.

Then I hit my friend Paul with it.

We had driver's ed, where
I learned to drive a car.

And then I hit my friend Paul with it.

We even had auto shop,

where I learned how to
pound out a Paul-shaped dent.

Why is that?

That's because that's what
our parents' taxes paid for.

Now, let me show you what
our taxes pay for today.

Look at that. Wood shop? No more, huh?

Auto shop? Forget about it.

Civics? What's that?

Home ec, the only place to meet women?

Forget about that.

Music? Buh-bye.

What do you got left?
Two pieces of bread.

If you're in California, it's
gluten-free, made of kale,

and nobody's eating this stuff.

Even a marine iguana won't eat it,

and they'll eat anything.

Shouldn't our tax dollars go
into putting delicious hoagies

back in the hands of our kids?

Otherwise, who is going
to hit Paul's kids?

Uh, Baxter out.

Hey, Kristin.

Mandy told me you're
feeling better. I'm so glad.

Yeah, yeah.

Way better.

Thank you for letting me
leave early the other day.

It-it really helped.

And I helped, too,
because we left together,

even though I was loving that
crazy class, babe. So fun.

Yeah, yeah. It was a
pretty special group.

In fact, um, we made you this card.

Oh. Uh...

"Dear Kristin, we are so glad

you are taking care of your family,

because you are part of our family".

That is so sweet.

Look, Mandy, they made me a card.

They didn't make it,

they just signed it.

No. No, they made it.

And, uh, everyone put their
phone numbers on the back

in case you need anything.

Really? I... I didn't
mean to worry anybody.

You worried me.

You're worrying me now.

Look, Kyle,

I-I have to tell you something. I...

There was no doctor.

There was no lady stuff.

It was... it was all just a lie

to get out of the orientation.

You lied to me

to get out of that super cool class?

Who even are you?

I don't understand.

Why would you want to get out of it?

Well, because I thought it
was all just about store stuff.

And since I grew up in here,
I thought I knew everything.

But it's not, is it?

It's about everybody who
works here being a family.

Yes. That's exactly what it's about.

So I think I need to take it over.

What you just said shows
me that you don't need to.

You learned the lesson another way.

Yay, everything's good. We should go.

- As for you...
- No, no, no.

I get it, right? So we're a big family

and we make cards and we don't lie.

No. I don't think you get it.

So you will be taking
the orientation again,

and another class on employee ethics.

What? No, you can't do that to me, Kyle.

- I'm your wife.
- No, not here.

Here you're just a problem employee.

And I'm starting a file on you, missy.

I still love you.

Mike, I already told you I
don't want the tutoring office.

I understand.

Come in here for a second, okay?

No big deal.

Okay.

- Now, listen...
- All right. What is this?

You want to make a difference
in kids' lives, right?

Right, by-by donating to the school.

Yeah, but we know our
donation's only gonna go so far,

and schools aren't that high

on the government's to-do list.

Yeah, but at least it's something.

Look, kids don't have millions

of dollars to donate to candidates,

and they don't have
lobbyists fighting for them.

Because they don't see the upside.

The upside? No. They're our future.

And if you ask me,
that is the investment

we should be making as a society.

Good point, but nobody's
gonna ask you, are they?

So you're going to have to tell them.

Whoa. Whoa.

You want me to run for office?

Well, you have a passion for kids.

I know you can make a difference.

But you hate government.

Boy, do I hate government.

But capitalism only works
in a functioning democracy.

Wow, maybe you should run for something.

Ooh. Way too many skeletons.

But you can have your campaign
headquarters right here.

I've got it paid for at
least for another month.

- Well, say I did run. Okay?
- Uh-huh.

And I-I probably wouldn't win.

I mean, the only thing I've ever run for

is treasurer of the book
club, and-and I came in third.

- Honey, honey.
- What?

Of course you're not gonna win.

You're highly qualified.
You don't have a chance.

Yeah, but-but maybe

it would get people talking
about the education system.

And that's a good thing.
That's a good thing, right?

And on top of that, I retain my title

as God's gift to gift-giving.

And twice a week, Larabee will
come in and vacuum the place.

- Come on.
- Oh.

All right, I'll have to think about it.

- You'll think about it?
- Yeah.

Already waffling.

You are a politician.

Hey, what's up, Baxter?

Hey, listen, happy anniversary, man.

What?

What do you mean, "what?"

This year makes five years since
you've been here at Outdoor Man.

Oh! Hey, that's right.

- How about that, huh?
- Yeah, congratulations.

You know, and since I'm
God's gift to gift-giving...

- What?
- I got you something I know you'll like.

Oh.

This isn't a nice pen.

Yeah, but next year I'm
gonna get you some paper.

Mm.

Hey, man.

You stole this from the bank.

Look at that.