Original subtitles

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Guys, we're hot!

Getting a 3.2 on the EMF.

There's an 80% chance of a violent, free-floating, spectral apparition.

(RAPID BEEPING)

I know you're there.

I demand you come forward.

Getting a four. No, wait, a five.

Oh, bro, this is way not good.

SAM: There's no hiding from us.

Make yourself known!

DEEP VOICE: Go away!

(ALL SCREAM)

The entity's passing through me!

Me, too. It's totally inside me.

(SIGHS)

So did the fellas find anything?

Um... still investigating.

SAM: Press forward!

- (CHUCKLES) - SAM: There.

By the oven.

It's coming towards us.

It's about to charge.

DEEP VOICE: Leave or die!

Boys, brace yourselves.

It's attacking us.

Right now!

- Oh. - (BEEP)

(SIGHS)

Lloyd, do you remember our little chat?

- Yeah. - When you agreed to stick to my script.

Totally, but the thing is...

Well, the script says haunted oven.

There's nothing about a book!

But 16 confirmed cases of ghost on book action, bro.

I mean, zero ovens.

No one cares, pendejo.

Now rig the goddamn oven. Shit!

See! Authenticity, bros.

- Right. - This is it!

- Oh, no, no. - I'm sick and tired of this!

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

(SIGHS)

Solved every one so far.

Bless 'em.

I'm just glad y'all here to save me this time.

- LLOYD: But ghosts hate ovens. - Yeah, but all that matters

- is we scare the shit of the old lady. - Exactly.

Guys.

Don't you dare take Lloyd's side.

LLOYD: Truth will set you free, bro.

- She's petrified back there. - Sweet!

But we're gonna fix that by actually helping her.

No more lies. Just some good old-fashioned truth.

(SIGHS)

Yes, exactly what I've been saying!

- It's time we started hunting real ghosts. - Lloyd.

- That's not at all what I... - Super idea, Kate. Then we'll get canceled,

and Lloyd will be an unemployed pendejo.

- Hey! - Right. Javi, settle.

- I can handle this. - Wha...

I don't need handling.

It's exactly what I was telling you.

Listen, Sam...

(MOANS) We shouldn't do this at work.

Hey.

Reception caterer booked.

- Gianni's? How? - Yep.

- Anything for you. - Oh, perfect.

Let's help Ethel.

What? As our ratings sink even lower?

That's really all you care about?

JAVIER: Abso-freaking-lutely!

So, still need to make some modifications.

- All right. - Similar to the ones I added to the EMF,

incidentally, but since we're tracking real spirits now,

- I'm thinking that... - (SAM SIGHS)

Give your brother a chance. He's trying to impress you.

- Mm-hmm. - Aww. Not working!

Let's shoot my script.

Let's do this one right like we used to.

- Kate! - We used to just debunk all this nonsense.

And we almost got canceled because of it.

Ethel is scared.

She believes in you, Sam.

I need to believe, too, or... Or what?

(DEEP VOICE) Hey!

Can we speed this up?

I really need to pee.

SAM: Thanks for braving this with us, Ethel.

Now you've recently experienced

what you refer to as evil sensations

in this establishment.

Something's eyeballing me.

Something horrible.

Go on, Sam. Just tell her.

Yes.

Well, after our very thorough...

investigation, we have concluded

that there are no... That there are no...

- No... - ETHEL: There are no what? Tell me, please!

KATE: Sam.

Say something.

We try to lead honest lives, don't we?

- Mm-hmm. - Do right by the ones we love.

Sometimes, for reasons that we know are truly necessary

and right, - Oh, no.

Well...

there is an angry and vengeful spirit in this room!

- (SCREAMS) - Yes!

Somebody who taught you to bake a long time ago.

Your... Your... Your... Your gran... grandmother?

Oh, good Granny Mable.

Mable, yes. She is furious about these cupcakes!

Grandma. Cupcakes. Got it.

- Put it back on. - Kate said no.

(DEEP VOICE) What are you doing? Stop it!

DEEP VOICE: Get out of here, jerk-off!

- Who is that? - (CLATTERING)

It came from that picture! Lloyd.

- (BEEPS AND STOPS) - (GASPS)

Sorry.

Holy shit!

It's a 6.3!

(BOTH SCREAM)

(SCREAMING)

Stop it! She's freaking out!

- Stop it, Granny! I am here to help. - No!

- Really? - Just tell us, tell us what you want.

SAM: Come on, Granny!

I demand you tell me right now!

Granny thinks you're being a pushy...

Little bitch.

JAVIER: She's stealing her grandmother's recipe.

- Oh, Granny's telling me something. - KATE: No, Sam!

- Tell her the truth! - The perra'sa thief!

I can't hear with all your voices!

Voices? How many are there?

Just Grandma.

She's saying...

your recipe or Granny Mable's?

How could you know that?

Just stop the thieving. Tell her, Granny!

JAVIER: Just do it!

(DEEP VOICE) This is lame.

DEEP VOICE: I quit!

Quit? Quit what?

JAVIER: I¡Puta madre!

DEEP VOICE: Letting you steal cupcakes!

I'll stop, Granny.

- Yeah. - I'll stop stealing the recipe.

I am proud of you, Ethel.

Her spirit is now free.

- Ooh! - Another case solved!

ETHEL: Thank you!

- Thank you! Thank you! - We're gonna need a new intern.

- Thank you! - SAM: No, Ethel, thank you.

Best show yet.

Worst shit pile I've ever seen!

Grandmas. Cupcakes.

Have you lost your freaking minds?

Diet Dew has dropped us. Now Red Bull is threatening.

- WOMAN: Doritos, line four. - Shit!

Not after the season finale that I've whipped up.

Resort in South Beach,

owner thinks his dead cat haunts...

- the hot tub. - Yeah, okay.

Um, well, Sam, the network is canceling you.

Yeah, they feel like you've lost your edge,

and they want out.

We have got one episode to save my skin.

So, send in what's-her-tits, please.

JAVIER: Quiet! I can't hear this prick.

Step aside, cabron.

Flight to Mexico City leaves at 7 AM sharp.

Do not be late. SeñoraSanchez-Bello will meet us

- in Tabasco at 11:30... Yeah? - Excuse me, lady.

I think you've got the wrong room.

Excuse you. Abril here has cooked up the finale

that's gonna save my balls.

Little house down in México

where some real sicko shit went down.

Uh, Mexico?

Sorry, who the hell's... Abril?

Are we gonna have a problem, puta?

Abril's your new producer for the finale.

Yeah, Kate here's jumping ship to another ship.

No, literally. She's leaving you for "Whale Wars."

So, Abril's got the reins now.

You're leaving?

For "Whale Wars"?

- To help people. - Whales.

- Anything! - We just helped the old lady!

She's closing her shop because of us.

And living a guilt-free life!

Which is exactly why I need to leave.

Kate.

Look, not all married couples work together.

- Maybe this will be better for us. - JAVIER: Yep.

Six months in a boat surrounded by seamen.

Yeah, you guys are gonna be fine.

And you're insane if you think I'm going back to Mexico!

You realize what I had to do to get out of there?

- Aw, then you're fired. - BOTH: What?

Latin viewership is lighting up the ratings,

and our only Mexican pretends he's not Mexican?

So he's out. But what's in?

Only the most haunted casa in all of haunted México.

You idiots had five seasons to do it your way,

and not one freaking ghost!

'Cause they don't exist, dumb-ass!

- LLOYD: Oh, yes, they do. - Not now, Lloyd!

- Listen... - Pack your bags, amigos.

I want my ratings and some blood-dripping horror right now!

Hey! I fired your voodoo tweaker ass.

Get your freak show out of here before...

(GROANS)

- Whoa. - (GROANING)

Oh, my God!

(GROANING)

(ALL SCREAM)

(SCREAMING)

- You. - (SCREAMING)

No, no, no, no, no, no.

(LAUGHS)

Now that's horror, baby!

Whoo!

Everyone meet Bob, the rising star in Hollywood effects.

Before some bullshit legal issue

on, what was it, "Paranormal Activity"?

- "Hillbilly Hatchet Massacre." - Whatever.

Oh, that's the one they banned from theaters

'cause actors died on set.

Like, "died" died?

We all got the death coming.

Yeah, I don't wanna go to Mexico with him.

- Then you're fired, too. - What?

Sam's the only one we need. The rest of you are dead weight.

Right, enough!

Now, you listen.

Me, Lloyd, and Javi are this show.

We were hot once.

We will bring it again.

You want horror?

You'll have to bribe the censors

to get our gorefest on the air.

And now you wanna bring in a freak consultant?

Hey, I'm your producer, pendejo.

No, you're not, "pendeco."

Kate is.

It's simple.

Without my team, my entire team, I walk,

and you're left with nothing

but a crap severance package

and a deadbeat excuse on why state school

is a better play than the Ivy League for your kids.

The call... is yours.

Yeah.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

This is gonna be great.

- (HEN SQUAWKING) - (COUGHS AND GAGS)

♪ Un turista americano vino a México ♪

♪ Y simplemente no pudo creer lo que aquí vió ♪

Pinche México.

♪ Oh-whoa-oh, way down in Mexico ♪

♪ Día de los Muertos, 100 calacas vió ♪

♪ Oh-whoa-oh, y el gringo se asustó ♪

♪ Día de los Muertos, el cabrón se arrugó ♪

♪ Oh-whoa-oh, way down in Mexico ♪

There she is, guys.

The most godforsaken casa in all of Mexico.

(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH)

- Javi. - What?

Translate.

- Why me? - Um... It's haunted, all right!

Mayan sacrifices, battlefield, the boogeyman.

It's haunted, okay?

Yo pienso que la maldad vino por algo más.

- Javi. - No, you racist pigs!

Cállate, cabrón.

She thinks the evil came from something else.

Diganos, señora.

No quiero hablar mal de los muertos, pero...

Not speak ill of the dead...

mi Tía Rosa y el Tío Gonzalo...

- Were they the previous owners? - Si.

They like to... Como se dice?

Drink.

- Sorry, drink? - I¡Sí!

Too mucho Mezcal una noche

and Uncle Gonzalo stab Rosa's throat,

and then he cut himself open

and pull his tripasout.

I'm sorry, what was that?

He use a six-inch blade or a seven?

I'd have used an eight.

SEÑORA SANCHEZ-BELLO: She going to leave him.

He go a little loco.

Sacrificial ground, battlefield, and a murder.

Guys, we're talking the unholy trinity for ghost activity!

Maybe, uh, Mr. Sanchez-Bello...

- (GROWLS) - Holy shit!

Yeah, that is one crazy jumpin' bean.

Mí amor, he's not been the same since.

He's the one that find the bodies.

Señora, please tell me

your husband has seen professional help.

Is you, no? Here to help?

Oh, no. Not even kind of.

We're just here to take advantage

of your silly superstitions

and, uh, leave you far worse than we found you.

¿Qué dice?

Es que míEnglish no perfect.

Nada, nada. Let's go inside.

No, no, no, no entramos esa casa.

We no going inside anymore.

Uh, Señora, the way our show works...

Por favor, mí Tío Gonzalo was a good man.

You ever lost familía?

Then you know the hurt.

La Policía dice it is all Tío Gonzalo.

Murder-suicide like always.

But something in the casa make Tío Gonzalo do it.

Possesses him to it!

My husband... he sees it.

Por favor sáquenlo de la casa.

I¡Devuélvanme a mí marido!

Promise me!

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, absolutely.

We... We promise that we will, um...

- We'll get the evil out. - Yeah.

Todo bien.

Casa, uh, bonita. Oh!

- I¡No le veas la cara a la muerte! - Tranquilo.

- (PANTING) - Tranquilo.

Wait, what'd he say?

Javi, Abril, what did he just say?

You're such a puta.

Super charming couple.

I think your shit-Spanish pissed him off.

Yeah, and top hunters debunked

that possession crap, like, a decade ago.

So, what's she been drinking?

Guys, what did he just say?

He said don't look into the face of... death.

So, love, how you wanna fake this one?

Sweet.

Hmm. Perfect.

LLOYD: This is the one I was telling you about.

Oh, man, this filter's so badass.

It translates electro-mag energy

into stuff you can actually see.

So pay close attention,

'cause this is the camera we'll catch ghosts with.

(CAMERA WHIRRING)

- Hmm. - Yeah, same setup as my specs.

Got the plans off Horace Reynolds,

fellow hunter up in Tacoma.

But, uh, made my own modifications, of course.

- (BUZZING) - Oh. Are those safe?

Progress never is.

Oh, yes. We are going to tell the...

Sanchez-whatevers,

that this place is 100% ghost-free,

just like you wanted...

after we expel every demon from this evil hell casa!

Our first ever full-blown structural exorcism.

Ratings bonanza, and a strong dose of the truth.

Oh, fantastic. How many times is the word "help" in it?

Yeah, make jokes, but by night's end

both the network and you are gonna love this show again.

I bet my life on it. (CLICKS TONGUE)

No.

- But the unholy trin... - No.

Right, we are all set.

Bob, can you ease us in with an Amityville, two Poltergeists,

and then we'll jump to the showstoppers, cool?

(CAMERA WHIRRING)

Bob.

Lloyd, go check on Bob.

No way.

And the answer's 20.

There's 20 "helps" and 14 "reals."

- Trust me. Okay? - (SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

Your man always run you like that?

Sure looks that way.

Hmm.

Change of plans.

LLOYD: Um, Bob?

We're on channel six.

Listen, I've got a bookshelf rig you maybe wanna...

Bob?

Bob?

Get your own!

No! I don't want any of those.

(SNIFFING)

You smell that?

It's a-comin' for us.

Just checking you're ready.

- (MACHINE WHIRRING) - (KETTLES CLANGING)

Cool, but I can do...

- (SHRIEKS) - The question be...

is you ready?

Bob's... Bob's good.

SAM: A demon hell house

is how the world describes tonight's location,

where a grisly murder-suicide

has raised many unanswered questions.

But on tonight's season finale, we're going to help.

And I mean, really, really help solve them all.

JAVIER: Rein it in, Sam.

Now, the team have split up

to hunt what lurks within these walls.

My search begins here, the scene of the murder.

Now, my vast worldly knowledge of cultures

and other languages tells me that this says,

"Don't look at the face of death."

But what happens if we do?

If we're lucky, we're about to find out.

Evil spirits, heed my warning.

You will be exorcised tonight!

Is that all you've got?

You'll have to kill us to stop us!

(ECHOING GROWL)

Why do I always get basements?

Crazy dark in here.

I'd be rockin' my badass ghost specs with built in nightvis,

- if my bro wasn't such a... - JAVIER: Hey.

Your mic's on, genius.

Sorry.

Now, according to Horace Reynolds,

possibly the top ghost hunter,

basements and cellars can provide the perfect dwelling place for...

Ghosts!

Ghost! Guys! Guys!

(SCREAMS)

Actually, my bad.

No ghost. Repeat, no ghost.

JAVIER: Really? No shit.

SAM: Stick to my script.

Air temperature 74 degrees.

Barometric pressure, 37.5.

These readings truly indicate

there's a 90% chance of a, uh... uh...

"Spectral terrorism?"

Hey, man, when's the good stuff coming?

SAM: That roar Bob added wasn't bad.

I'm talking about blood and guts, man.

- I wanna get waist-deep in gore. - Just do the scene.

With your normal accent. Play up the Mexican thing.

- (GLASS CRUNCHING) - Oh!

Oh, my God.

It is true.

They really did drink Mezcal.

Was this the culprit of Tío Gonzalo's insanity?

Only one way to find out.

It's time to make contact

with the evil lurking in this house.

(INHALES)

I can feel unsettled souls all...

(EERIE ECHOING)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Enjoy the ride, yeah?

(DOOR CLOSES)

I can feel unsettled souls all around.

Hello?

Is there someone named Rosa here tonight?

Tío Gonzalo?

Is your murderous spirit among us?

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Bob, we need an old lady's voice.

(CHILDREN GIGGLING)

Kate, can you tell Bob that we're on page...

ABRIL: Keep going, goddamn it! Stop wrecking the scene.

Abril? What are you... Put... Put Kate on.

- New bitch in charge, gringo. - What?

First thing, no mas with your sucktard script.

- We're gonna spice things up. - Right, stop messing around.

I'll deal with you later, puta.

Now, man up! Bob's gonna bring it.

JAVIER: Wow. For the record, I'm seriously turned on.

Damn it! Stop breaking characters!

You know what?

We're going radio silent from now on.

No more sabotaging my show.

Your show?

Abril?

Kate? Javier?

This is mutiny.

Guys? Listen.

If we're not on the same page...

DEEP VOICE: We're not.

Help the Sanchez-Bellos.

Kate.

Please, get back in the booth.

(DEEP VOICE) No, don't expect me

to be a part of this anymore.

At least take that off if you're gonna yell.

Are you familiar with the word "sabotage"?

This family lost people that they cared about.

We're not exploiting that.

You of all people should sympathize.

Look, you don't talk about your parents,

and I can accept that.

But at least honor their memory by...

Um, hello?

God, we're not shooting right now!

But, listen, this is my family now.

Javi, Lloyd, and you.

I'm just doing what I've got to do to hold us together.

Well, you're squeezing too tight.

That's pretty lame for an FX badass.

That wasn't you giggling earlier?

Bob's on my last nerve.

(GROANS)

Goddamn it! Enough!

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

KATE: What is it?

So, Bob's really into kid stuff.

That's not disturbing at all.

Having thoroughly investigated the mirror's surface,

I've come to the conclusion

that this totally ticked someone off.

Creepy.

Really, really creepy.

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SQUELCHING)

(SQUELCHING)

(SQUELCHING)

Badass!

Whoa!

The walls have gone full stigmata on us.

Something in this house is definitely trying to make contact.

The guys have got to see this!

(VOICES WHISPERING)

(VOICES WHISPERING)

Psst.

Bob, sir?

That whispering's really cool,

but can you turn it up a bit?

(VOICES WHISPERING)

Using my recorder to try and pick up an EVP...

Electronic voice phenomena.

Ghosts communicate on a higher frequency than we can hear,

but if spirits are sharing, this'll get it.

(WHIRRING)

VOICE: Fuera.

Fuera.

This is awesome!

We totally come in peace

and would really like to hang out with you.

You think maybe you could switch to English now?

(VOICES WHISPERING)

Todos van a morir.

Van a morir.

Morir. Morir.

I know that one. It's, um... death.

Is someone gonna die?

Who's gonna die?

Hello?

- (DEVICE BEEPS) - What the...

(STEADY BEEPING)

(BEEPING INTENSIFIES)

(BEEPING RAPIDLY)

Oh, sh...

Oh, my...

Todos van a morir.

I mean... Todos van a morir.

(GASPS)

Empirical data's inconclusive.

But initial findings reveal that...

this needs some ice cubes and a shit ton of OJ.

Oh.

How much Mezcal did Tío Gonzalo need to tap that?

(THUD)

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

- (HEAVY FOOTSTEPS) - (FLOOR CREAKING)

Soy la muerte.

(ROARS)

- LLOYD: Guys? - Wow!

Where are you, guys?

I don't wanna be alone anymore.

Sam?

Javier?

Bob has got the ghosts saying

really mean stuff in Spanish.

(GHOSTLY CHITTERING)

- (BEEPING) - (VOICES WHISPERING)

(BEEPING RAPIDLY)

Fuera!

Guys! Help!

- What the hell happened to you? - A ghost!

- On its period? - Lloyd!

- Oh, you, too? - Ow!

- Nice one, Bob! - It's my blood.

Have you been drinking?

Yes, since we left California.

Lloyd saw a ghost menstruate.

Over there!

Lloyd.

Grow up.

Your toys don't work.

No, no, no, Sam. She was... She was right here.

But... But, no, she was here.

- (SCREAMS) - Jeez!

See! I saw what I saw!

Nicely done, Bob!

Just wait till we're rolling next time.

Guys, we got to consider. Lloyd saw a ghost.

- Thank you. - Yeah, but he didn't,

'cause they don't exist, and he's an idiot.

- Cute. - Bob's probably just got

one of those projection thingys.

'Cause upstairs, Bob projected some weird shit in a mirror.

This big huge bastard, black hat,

looked straight at me and went,

(IMITATING VOICE) I am death.

Crazy impressive.

Wait, in a mirror?

Well, what's left of it. It was beat to shit.

Something's going on here. The mirrors, the unholy trinity.

The scamming of innocent people.

Guys! Cancellation?

Last chance? Any of this ringing a bell?

- Sam... - I'm not letting that happen. Okay? Right.

- Horace Reynolds... - We are going to refocus,

fire Abril, and get back to my script.

But first, we got to wrangle Bob...

before he kills us.

Awesome! That was great!

Bob?

- Is he... - No, it's a trap.

- He's a genius. - Go check on him.

No.

Bob? Just wanna synch up some plays with you.

The script says nothing about...

Okay, he's dead.

Oh, my God!

No. It can't be.

Uh...

Don't look at any mirrors!

- Whoa! - Jeez!

Lloyd, what the hell are you doing?

All the other mirrors in the house are smashed!

Don't you get it?

Horace Reynolds wrote about this.

The mirrors are like portals,

gateways that lead to and from the spirit world.

- If you see a ghost in one... - Lloyd, please!

- Guys, a man is dead! - It's like an invitation

- for it to cross over to our side... - Oh, come on.

"Don't look at the face of death."

(SCOFFS) - That's what Mrs. Sanchez-Whatever meant.

You saw it in the mirror. You looked at its face!

Don't you know what that means?

Oh... no.

Am I gonna suffer a horribly excruciating death

where I pull my own guts out

because I looked at myself in the mirror?

- Exactly! - (LAUGHS)

Okay. Abril, get down here now.

I know you can hear me!

It's probably got her, too.

There's something in this house.

My EMF was buzzing in the basement on its own!

Guys, we can't argue the facts.

The EMF was buzzing.

Something in the mirrors killed Bob and...

- Aah! - Lloyd, stop it!

Something's killed Bob, all right.

It's called smack, crack, or a heart attack.

I'm even surprised this schizo lasted this long.

- What are you doing? - Calling the police. This is over.

- WOMAN: Fuera! - Oh, my God!

Mexican cell service at its finest.

But who cares? We finally got a dead body!

The ghosts strike first.

Now the question is, who's next?

It is official, you're actually insane!

I'm insane for ratings! That's what we came here for!

Okay, no, we're gonna drive to the nearest station.

No, wait. Wait, please.

If we leave, he died for nothing.

He did die for nothing!

- (GROANS) - Lloyd! Please.

What if we finish... for Bob?

- Exactly. - It's what he would've wanted.

If we quit now, it's over, all right? We are canceled.

What's it like in there, man?

Bright lights? 40 virgins?

- Hey, don't hold back. - You're really siding with him?

We can still save our family, Kate.

Lloyd!

- Please! - You mean the show, right?

Do you hear yourself? Do you...

- Do you realize it's just a show? - Don't walk out on me.

Come with me, okay?

Please, just for once, make the right choice.

We're finishing this.

If you can't let go... I have to.

Kate.

- (ECHOING GROWL) - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

What was that?

Obviously, a Bob encore.

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

It's footsteps.

Whatever you do, don't follow them.

(FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE)

Why does no one ever listen to me?

(FOOTSTEPS STOP)

You see? It was just another one of Bob's...

- (BEEPING) - Lloyd, will you pack it in?

I'm not doing anything.

It's working. Like, for real working.

- Bullshit. - Bull-true.

- There's something up there! - (BEEPING CONTINUES)

Will whatever murdered Bob please do it again?

- We demand proof! - No, do not do it again!

My calculations indicate a 172% chance

that Lloyd's completely full of shit.

- Please, stop it! - Now let's take a closer look at his ghost.

- Javi, get down here. - Yeah, come on, that's enough, Javi.

You see, guys, there is nothing...

(CHOKING)

(GROANS)

- Lloyd! - Oh, my God.

There is a ghost,

and it's possessing my ass!

Yes! And it's huge!

Sam, there is something up there.

You're disgusting! Do you know that?

- You're disgusting! - (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Now, Lloyd, say those sweet words with me.

There is no such thing as...

(SLICING, SQUELCHING)

Pinche... México.

Javi?

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)

(BEEPING)

(GROWLING)

Run!

Oh, my God, Sam! Look at his back!

- KATE: Oh, my God! - What the hell?

- It's not possible! - Shit!

Guys! Guys!

LLOYD: What? Why are we still in the house?

KATE: Oh, my God!

(GRUNTING)

All right, that is enough!

LLOYD: What are you doing?

None of this is real.

- KATE: No, Sam, don't! - (SAM SCREAMS)

Looked pretty real to me!

No. No, it can't be.

(SCREAMS)

It can't be. It's not possible.

It's not...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- I think we're trapped! - No shit!

Whatever killed Javier could be in this room.

Yeah, listen, I know. But stay calm.

We're trained experts.

We're the exact opposite of experts!

None of us knows anything about...

- Tell us everything. - Oh, now you wanna listen to me?

I tried to warn you,

never mess with the unholy trinity,

- and now Javi's gone! - Focus!

About the mirrors! What else did the Harvey-Henry guy say?

It's Horace!

Ow!

I told you!

They're gateways to the ethereal plane

- where ghosts manifest... - English, please!

Reflections are bad. So if we avoid them, what?

It's only a theory.

- Curtains! - (ALL SCREAM)

Okay. I think we're... (ALL SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

Guys?

Guys, where are you?

WOMAN'S VOICE: Javi.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Javi.

Oh.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Javi.

VOICES: Join us.

No! Do you hear me? Never!

Do you hear me? Never!

Never!

BOB: Son of a bitch.

Oh, shit.

You're dead.

That was my best goddamn shirt.

Am I dead, too?

GIRL'S VOICE: Daddy?

(GIRL GIGGLES)

Hey, what's happening in there?

My daughter.

GIRL'S VOICE: Come on, Dad.

(CRYING)

- Bob? - Let's play, Daddy.

Bob!

(FLOORBOARDS CREAK)

Bob?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

- (LLOYD SCREAMS) - (GLASS SHATTERS)

Told you jumping backwards wouldn't work.

Guys! Freaking kids!

- Behind me! - (SCREAMS)

- Something just touched me. - What?

Oh, God! His thingy's buzzing!

It's a prop. It can't actually work.

I made modifications!

Oh, my God!

- Okay, back up! - What do we do?

There's a landline in the control room.

- Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go! - Okay, go!

Guys!

I¡Puta madre!

- Keep going, keep going! - Abril!

Abril, please!

- Abril! - Abril, we are going to die!

- Abril! - Oh, I'm going to...

- Open it! - Abril! Abril!

- Win an Emmy. - KATE: We can hear you!

Keep going. You're doing great.

Bob and Javier are dead!

I know. Don't worry. We got it all.

There's a phone in there! Call the police! Now!

WOMAN: Fuera!

- Phone's dead. - LLOYD: Don't say that word!

You little bitch, open this door!

I'll die before I leave this room!

Abril!

Sam, look!

- (ALL SCREAM) - Look!

- Oh, come on! - Sam, this is going off the scale!

Lloyd, what are you doing? Help us!

Lloyd, quick!

Guys, look! It must be an attic!

Are you mad? Never go in attics!

- Never, never, never! - Well, fine. Stay here.

- KATE: Come on, let's go! - (POUNDING ON DOOR)

Wait for me!

This is total bollocks!

Guys!

Guys, come on!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Damn it! I hate it when Lloyd's right!

- Shh! - Now he's never gonna shut up...

Wait.

- Shh! - Perdón.

- (SCREAMS) - Shh!

BOY: No!

(VOICES WHISPERING)

If they can do it...

I¡Puta madre!

(GRUNTS)

All right.

Think it'll hold it back?

I don't know. You're the expert.

Mirror! Eyes closed! Eyes closed!

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you mad?

Kate, look.

Just like the key.

LLOYD: What are you doing?

Nothing good is gonna be in there!

Never go in attics, always smash mirrors,

definitely don't open creepy little toy chests!

- We're doing everything backwards! - Get it together.

All right, we're not walking out the front door.

So we either figure out what's going on or we die.

Those are horrible options.

Jeez.

- Oh, my God! - Told you not to open it.

What's this?

Kate, don't open it.

What?

Oh, my God. That's us.

It's this house.

SAM: Oh, my God.

What?

The rest have them, too.

Look, we've seen enough. Just close the book!

These people, were they all...

Guys, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Just like Javier saw.

Kate?

- (EMF BEEPING) - (GROWLING)

Soy... la muerte.

(SCREAMS) Go!

His face! I looked at his face!

Shut up and go!

- Don't turn around! - Go! Go!

(ALL SCREAM)

- Oh, my God! - It's zombie Javier!

Enough!

Hey! Not my face!

- You're killing him! - He's already dead!

- Is he? - (GRUNTING)

- Right! Sever its head! - That's vampires!

- Aah! It's moving again! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What's he doing?

"It's... me..."

"dicks."

Who the hell's dicks?

Something else is moving the body.

- Lloyd, your ghost glasses. - What the... you as well?

His EMF thingy obviously works. Maybe the glasses will, too.

They won't. I'm sure of it.

You've trained your whole life for this moment.

You can be brave.

I can't! It's been proven many times.

Put the goddamn glasses on!

Okay.

God, God, God.

(GASPS)

(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

Holy badass!

It's Javi! Two of him!

Look.

Oh, my God! He's really there!

Javier, buddy!

- I think he's mute. - No, wait.

I should be able to hear him

if I press play and record at the same time.

- It can't be that simple! - I've made modifications!

[JAVIER (DISTORTED]: Freaking dead kids!

You broke my jaw, you asshole!

Bob got swallowed by light!

You assholes didn't even check my pulse!

- Why does he sound like that? - I told you, don't go to Mexico!

- Turn the creepy setting off. - Oh.

(DISTORTION INCREASES) the murder.

(NORMAL VOICE) And what do you guys do?

Run off like little bitches!

- (MIMICS SCREAMING) - Javi, buddy. It's Sam.

You're gonna have to slow down, okay?

- We're dealing with a lot. - Oh! You got issues?

I'm dead!

Whoa.

You're really a ghost.

You know what this means?

- Don't you dare... - Somebody was right!

Seriously? Just murdered!

And now a ghost! Boo-yah!

Wait, wait, wait. So, Bob, is he...

I told you, he got swallowed by a light!

Wait, you... You didn't go into your light.

Of course I didn't go into the light.

Wait. What... What happens in the light?

Bro, you really should've gone into your light.

- Horace says spirits... - Right, enough with Horace.

Javi, tell us you got a way out of here.

Maybe.

But it's creepy.

Big time.

- Overheated. - Great.

Don't worry, I've got another pair... in the van.

Well, then how do we keep track of Javi?

(GASPS)

(SCOFFS)

Any other ideas?

Shit!

JAVI (DISTORTED): This is bullshit!

Hello?

Guys, this is pointless.

JAVIER [SINGSONGY]: Freaky little weirdoes?

Where are you?

- (GASPS) - Oh.

Oh, shit.

- What are we looking at? - Two dead kids

with slit throats.

- Javi. - Yeah?

Are they cool?

What, you wanna sell them drugs?

They're creepy-looking dead kids!

How the hell should I know?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Whoa.

- What? - Translator of the dead?

- No way! - Javi, please!

No, these freaks aren't talking.

Right, enough messing around.

Ask them to get us out of this house.

You wanna translate for the dead Spanish-speaking kids?

- Be my guest! - You're the one who speaks Spanish!

Come on.

Great. Now we're creeping them out.

Okay, guys, please.

It's okay. Don't be afraid.

We're not here to hurt you.

We just, um... We just need your help.

You do want to help us, don't you?

(SIGHS)

What if we played a game?

Now these freaks are creeping me out.

Uh, I think they don't want to get in trouble.

No, they're not playing. No.

But this is a very, very special game

where you don't have to say a single word

and nobody ever gets in trouble.

You do wanna play that, don't you?

Oh, yeah, they're totally nodding.

Yeah, they're playing. Yeah, they're in, yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna ask a question,

and if the answer's yes, just throw the ball back.

And if it's no, just...

You have to be extra, extra quiet.

Sound good?

Yeah, they're rolling it now. Yeah.

Okay. The drawings, the ones in the chest.

Yeah, they got excited about that.

You wanted us to find them

because of the man in the mirrors, right?

To warn us about him.

- Yes. - Wow!

Because he killed all those people,

like he killed our friend.

Will he ever let us leave this house?

Roll the ball.

Why aren't they rolling the ball?

Ask them if there's a way to stop him.

Come on.

Right. How? Tell us.

(GROWLING)

No, no, not this way!

Not this way! Not this way!

KATE: What the hell is happening?

What are we running from?

A really scary lady!

- (HIGH-PITCHED MOANING) - Why is she whooing?

It's not her. Javier is whooing.

- Why are you whooing? - I'm whooing so she knows I'm one of them!

- Whoo! - (GROWLS)

But she's not whooing!

This shit doesn't come with a handbook, all right?

I¡Mamá!

The kids are totally trying to save our asses,

but she ain't biting.

Give me those glasses.

Careful, they're fading fast.

(GROWLS)

All we want is to leave.

Just to walk out that front door...

I¡Los intrusos andan morir!

Dude, she says that all intruders must die.

Why? What have we done?

I¡Vinieron a sacarnos de nuestra casa!

I¡Dijeron que solo la muerte los detendría!

She says you threatened to kick them out of their home,

and that the only way to stop us was to kill us?

- You got the wrong people! - Why is she saying that?

I never...

Ah, shit, yeah, I totally said that.

- What? - (GROWLING)

We don't wanna hurt you or make you leave, okay?

We are a family just like yours.

You can help us.

You can save us!

Well, not exactly.

No puedo.

Me los va a desaparecer.

Dude, she says she can't or that they'll disappear?

SAM: Lloyd!

- LLOYD: I haven't moved! - (BEEPING)

Oh, you don't want to know that one.

(EMF BEEPING RAPIDLY)

- What is it? - It's him.

- Go! Just run! - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Shit, the goggles! We're flying blind!

Javier, can you see him?

JAVIER: The bastard vanished!

- Barricade the door! - Got it.

I'll get the specs working again.

Javier, can be our other set of eyes.

No, not now, Lloyd! Javi, where is he?

We find the mom and kids, convince them to help us.

- Trust me, bro. - Right, enough!

Unbarricade the door!

- (SCREAMS) - Go, go, go!

Go, go!

Lloyd, no!

Sorry.

Go, go, go!

Go! Go!

- Sam, help me! Sam! - No!

- No! - He's got me!

Javier, what's happening?

The recorder's with Lloyd! We can't...

- (CLATTERING) - (LLOYD SCREAMS)

- Lloyd, talk to me. - (EMF BEEPING RAPIDLY)

- Oh, God, is he... - (BEEPING CONTINUES)

- (HEAVY FOOTSTEPS) - (GROWLING)

(SCREAMS)

No! No!

Run! Run!

Abril!

(METAL CLANGING)

It's Javier. It's got to be.

- Murder him back, Javier! - Yeah!

(GROWLS)

(GRUNTS)

Abril!

Abril!

(GHOSTLY HUMMING)

(HUMMING LULLABY)

I'd like to thank the Academy,

and all the little people...

(GROWLING)

Shit.

- (ABRIL SCREAMS) - (SQUELCHING)

(THUD)

Abril?

No! No, no! Go!

Come on, come on! Go, go!

- KATE: Go! - SAM: Go! Go!

It's okay. He can't hurt you anymore.

Um... Am... Am I?

Yep. Sorry.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Join us.

But I never got... my producing credit.

Or had sex with me. Yes, death's a bitch.

But right now, we got to take care of this asshole.

- That asshole has an axe. - It's a sickle, actually,

but the thing is, it's useless against us now.

And we outnumber him.

Huh.

So he's the reason why I'll never get an Emmy.

Um, one of many.

All right, let's do it.

(GROWLS)

Wait, wait. But if he can't hurt us,

then how do we hurt...

It hurts.

Shit.

Oh, shit.

We are gonna die, aren't we?

I should've told you about "Whale Wars" first.

- Shh. - That was wrong of me.

You don't have to do this, okay?

In case we, you know, worst case...

I don't want anything between us.

My parents never died.

They abandoned me and Lloyd

at a shelter and never came back.

I was young and ashamed, so I lied, even to Lloyd.

I told him they were mauled by a bear.

The show, it's the only family I've ever had,

so if we ever got canceled,

then I feared I'd lose you guys, too,

and that is why I've been so clingy about it.

You're telling me this now!

I thought we were sharing.

- Yours is so way worse than mine. - Shh!

(THUD)

What was that?

It's okay.

(BOTH SCREAM)

- Run! - Go!

- No! Sam! Sam! - Kate!

- No! No! - (SAM SCREAMS)

- (SCREAMS) - Kate! It's me.

Lloyd! Thank God, you're alive!

Barely! I had to climb the inside the...

Not now! It's got Sam. Come on.

Right.

What are you doing?

I've stared death in the face, Kate.

I've figured a few things out.

- (BEEPING) - (GASPS)

Lloyd! You're alive!

Barely.

- I had to hide in the cupboard... - Later!

Help me!

- (SCREAMS) - Oh, sugar.

I can't hold him back.

(SCREAMS)

- Kate! - What do I do?

The EMF! In the kitchen,

I counteracted its spectral flow...

- Lloyd! - Just friggin' do something!

(EMF BEEPING RAPIDLY)

Do it!

(GRUNTING)

Just do it!

I'm a badass.

(SCREAMING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

- Oh, shit! - Let's go!

Aah!

You ain't leaving without me, bitches!

- Come on! - Go! Go! Go!

Aah! Sam!

Sam.

- (GASPS) - Sam. Sam.

- KATE: Sam! - No! No!

- (SCREAMS) - It's what he wants!

You're dead if you go back in there, Sam!

What are you doing?

You're not going back in there alone!

I'm not leaving her!

'Cause I'm coming with you.

But we do it the right way. My way!

For once in your life, Sam, listen to me!

Okay. Okay.

Oh, bullshit! I ain't going back in there!

You saw what that bastard did to Abril!

- Abril's dead? - Yeah, she was a ghost

and then she just... disappeared!

- She's dead dead? - Yeah.

Are you saying ghosts can kill other ghosts?

Wha...

Shit.

Kate?

Kate?

Kate?

Kate?

- Taking new ideas yet? - Nope.

We're really rolling with Lloyd's jab it

- and stab it suicide plan? - Mm-hmm.

(FLOORBOARD CREAKING)

Ask them if she's alive.

They're not talking.

Basement. Of course she is.

Kate?

Huh.

Kate?

(GROWLING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What is wrong with her?

Look at what she's holding.

- How does she have that? - Why does she have that?

- (SNARLS) - The bitch is possessed!

No, don't say that! She's fine!

Horace debunked that crap.

Kate, tell them you're fine.

- (ROARS) - What now, geniuses?

- (KATE SNARLS) - We stick to the plan.

We zap it out of her.

(SCREAMS)

- Screw you, Horace! - Sweetie!

Put the murder weapon down.

- (ROARS) - Shit, what do we do?

We have to... No. Shit, forget it.

- Lloyd! - Kill the host, kill the ghost!

- English! - We kill it by killing Kate.

- Are you crazy? - I'm in.

(ALL GASP)

- (GRUNTING) - Sam!

I'm gonna pull your insides out.

Javi, push him out! Get in there!

Get in where?

In Kate! You have to possess her, too!

Force yourself inside her body, Javi!

Okay!

(GRUNTING)

Good God, what are you doing?

Where is Javi? What's he doing?

- He's... - He's humping Kate. What?

Push harder. Get inside her!

I'm trying!

Whoa!

Get a grip, lady!

(SAM GROANS)

- I love watching you bleed! - Sam!

She's gone, bro. Not her anymore.

(GRUNTING)

Sam! Sam!

Just kill her! It's her or us, man!

Too late. You've got no choice.

(GRUNTING)

Yes, I have.

You listen to me, Kate!

I love you.

Whales, seaman, whatever... I choose you!

You can beat this asshole, Kate.

You've been dealing with my dumb ass for years.

But not anymore, okay? I promise.

I am with you.

I just need you to believe in us again.

Tell me you still do.

Just tell me.

- (GRUNTS) - Oh... kay!

- (GAGS) - Oh, my...

(GROANS)

You want real?

This is as real as it gets, baby.

(GRUNTING)

Make it stop!

(KATE MOANS)

(SAM MOANS)

Sam.

I do.

(SCREAMS)

He's pulling out!

- He's what? - He's pulling out!

(SCREAMS)

(GROWLING)

(WHIMPERING)

No, no.

(GASPING)

Javi, for once in your life, mate, believe!

Be a god, Javi.

LLOYD: Yes!

Hey, pendejo!

LLOYD: No!

But I... I believed.

(GROWLING)

(MOANING)

Thanks.

Your ring.

Your ring.

The kiss... it killed him.

Um, actually, I think... Give him this one.

(SIGHS)

Hey.

You are a goddamn great ghost hunter, bro.

Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Okay? Especially me.

JAVIER: Adios, bitches!

Oh, my God! I can see him!

- I can see Javi! - Whoa, whoa! Javi, wait!

You can't just leave.

Don't cry for me, boys.

See you on the other side.

- (GROANS) - Ooh.

BOY: Mira, Mamá.

Thank you.

Just glad we could... help.

Told you, bro.

You really should've taken your light.

Wow.

We actually solved one.

I guess "Whale Wars" is yours now.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I guess so.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

LLOYD: Last year, tragedy struck hard

when three of our team members were brutally slain in Mexico

on our season finale.

This season we're back with a vengeance to...

Take the ghost world down!

On tonight's season premiere of "DeadTectives,"

we aim to de-ghost the most haunted,

high-end sushi restaurant in Kyoto, Japan.

Flank left. I'll cover the rest.

You lead the way, bro.

We are in position.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Any update from our scout?

(SCREAMING)

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

What do we got?

I don't wanna be scout anymore.

(EXHALING)

I should warn you, bro.

Made a few modifications.

It's gonna be a fun night.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(MUSIC PLAYING)