Original subtitles

[ Car Horns Honking ]

Hey, man, this is bullshit, man.

Yeah, bullshit.

I know, but it's still bullshit, man.

Well, what can you do, man ?

I don't know. Just be cool, man.

- I'm cool. You be cool. - I'm cool. You just be cool.

And don't look at that dude either.

This is bullshit, man. Just act-- Just act real cool.

Just act like you're a garbageman. I know.

Just be cool when you walk by this place.

You know, just be like-- look like we're emptying trash.

[ Whistling ]

Go ahead, man. Do your thing.

Just watch the dude. I'm watchin' him, man.

He's too busy watchin' his money. He ain't gonna watch us.

Hey, how you doin', mama ?

Suck, suck.

- Hey, man. - [ Spitting, Gagging ]

Hey, what are you doing ? Aw, this tastes like shit.

I gotta go to work, man, with these clothes. Be cool, man.

[ Car Engine Starting ]

♪ [ Cheech Singing, Indistinct ]

[ Whistling ]

Is that enough ?

Okay, you got it.

Hey, man, watch out. Hey, don't spill it, man.

Oh, shit. Just leave it there.

Leave the fuckin' hose ! Come on. Let's go. Shh !

Hey, man, watch out. You're spillin' it all over me. Shit.

You're spillin' it all over me. Oh, shit.

Okay, be cool, be cool. Okay, be cool.

Just keep walkin', man. Don't even look at him, okay ?

Oh, he's lookin', man. He's not lookin', man. Just keep walkin'.

It's killin' my hand. Well, just keep walkin'.

It's killin' my hand. Hey, man, you're gettin' it all--

Don't rock. Just be cool with it.

I'm fucked up being cool. You're spillin' that shit all over the place.

Well, here, it's spillin' you. Look at that.

Why'd you fill it up so high ? Hey, ladies.

Damn. Jesus Christ.

Let me get in here. So goddamn heavy.

Why do we deal with this anyways ? Shit.

Put it down, put it down. Set it down.

[ Sighs ] How do you open this thing ? Right here.

Where ?

Ow, ow, ow, geez.

We need a funnel. Funnel ?

Oh, fuck it. Let's just pour it in. Pour it in ?

Yeah. Pour it in very carefully. Get it up real high.

[ Grunting ] Don't spill it.

Oh, man, you're fuckin' spillin' it all over.

Come on. Shit. Where did I spill it ?

There.

Careful. Careful, man. Oh, fuckin' garbage.

Careful. Why didn't you clean this thing out before you got it ?

I had to go in the alley.

Jesus Christ. Okay, that's enough, that's enough.

Well, get all of it, man. Didn't carry it around for nothing.

Okay, that's good. I'm gonna be late for work.

Shit ! Look at this.

Come on. Let's go. Yeah, okay. Hold on, man.

[ Groaning ]

Man, that's a smelly gasoline.

Shit. That's an improvement, man. Come on. Let's blow this.

[ Engine Revving ]

Hey, way to go, Parnelli. Hey, relax, Holmes, I got it.

- Hey, come on. Slow down, man. - Hey, Holmes, lay back.

You're supposed to be a low rider, man. We're supposed to be cruisin'.

Sit back and cruise, ese.

You're driving like an idiot, man.

Oh, I just can't get used to this automatic, man.

Yeah, well, they are complicated, aren't they ? Yeah.

Remember: "D" is that way. That way ?

[ Chuckling ] Hey, relax, Holmes.

Relax ? Yeah.

Yeah, I better relax.

Oh, shit, I'm gonna be late for work again.

That's the fifth time I've been late this week. It's only Tuesday, man.

Why don't you quit that lame job ?

Hey, man, I wish I could, man.

If I quit, the whole place would fall apart without me. I'm needed there, man.

Responsibility is a heavy responsibility, man.

Hey, I got it. Why don't you get a job, man ?

Hey, I'm serious, man.

I had a job for over six weeks now, man.

Hey, listen, man. I already got a job. Yeah ?

What's your job, man ? Rollin' dope ?

Yeah. At least it's steady work, man.

[ Laughing ] Something you're good at, man.

Hey, I'm serious, man. You're supposed to be sellin' that dope, not smokin' it.

We haven't even paid for it yet.

I'm sellin' it. Yeah, you're sellin' it.

Hey, listen, I sold two lids last night. How's that ?

Oh, yeah ? All right, Holmes.

- Who'd you sell 'em to ? - Me.

Oh, man, shit.

Man, we're gonna starve to death, man.

No, not with me, man. I'm a good customer.

Oh, man. God, dog.

I did, man. I-I got a thing. You know what I'm gonna do ?

What ? I figure it this way.

Dope's gonna be legal in a few years, you know ? Yeah.

Then--

Then, I'll be, you know-- It'll be a legitimate job, you know ?

And all these other dudes, you know, that aren't ready for it.

They won't know how to do it, see ?

Then, like, I'll have a job. Yeah.

Yeah, we'll have a job. That's good thinkin', man. Shit.

If you had another brain it'd die of loneliness, man.

God, it smells in here.

- It's all this gas. - No, it's me. I just cut one, man.

Oh, cocino.

Oh, foxy mama.

[ Chong ] Oh, man, you're sick. [ Growling ]

- What are you talkin' about ? - Who you lookin' at ?

Aw, not that. Aaah. No, man, that chick over there.

Check out how fine she is. Hey, baby !

Hey, baby. Come on. Don't be stuck-up.

Come on. I'll clear off a place for you to sit down.

[ Engine Revving, Tires Screeching ]

[ Cheech ] Uh-oh, man, be cool.

What's the matter ? I got company.

Don't turn around. Just look straight ahead.

[ Siren Wailing ]

Oh, man. Hey, you got a light, man ?

Huh ? Yeah. Light ?

Hey, I don't think you better light it in here, man. Why ?

All these gas fumes. Oh, man.

I don't know.

[ Coughing ] Stop, stop ! [ Groaning ]

[ Groaning ]

Hey, what are you trying to do, kill us, man ?

What a flash, huh ? Oh, God, I told you not to light that thing.

Well, you're the one that cut it, man. Oh, God !

Come on. Let's get out of here before the cops come, man. Christ, look at us.

Oh, hey, mama. Hey, hey, fella, you need a pass !

Oh, I'm with "The Towering Inferno," man.

Oh, okay, go ahead.

[ Man ] And I want you all back on top of boxes.

[ Woman ] Okay, everybody, back on top of the boxes.

[ Chattering ] [ Woman ] Okay, Brenda, follow directions.

Don't touch the girl. Sy said don't touch the girl.

Don't touch the girl. Extend the ladies.

[ Chattering Continues ]

Right leg up. Right leg up. One leg up.

Her ass is shiny. We've got a shiny ass over here.

Shiny ass. Will somebody help me up here ?

Okay, now what's gonna happen is you're all terrified,

and you want Wamba to come and help you, so you scream, "Help me, Wamba !"

- Help me, Wamba ? - Scream, "Help me, Wamba !"

Help me, Wamba. Scream, scream. "Help me, Wamba !"

Help me, Wamba ! Please, lose the noise !

Lose the noise. Quiet. Help me, Wamba !

- Help me, Wamba. - Help me, Wamba.

Louder ! Louder, please !

- Help me, Wamba ! - Help me, Wamba !

Help me, Wamba ! Okay, fine. Let's take one.

Lose the noise ! Lose the noise !

Quiet on the set ! Quiet on the set !

Come on. We're gonna try one, all right ?

Let's take one. Cue Wamba !

Cue Wamba. Quiet on the set.

All right, this is a take. Marker. All right, this is a take.

Marker. Marker !

And action ! Action. Action.

Psst, Kim. Kim.

Hold it right there, Officer. Don't slice those enchiladas. Psst.

- Hey, Kim. - [ Man ] This one's for me.

You lawn mowin' dog, chiquita.

Come on, you obnoxious little weasel. That fuckin' knife is no match for a .45 !

What ? I need some clothes.

There's no way. I'm too busy.

Oh, come on, baby. Just give me a few things from wardrobe.

Come on. What happened to you ?

I thought you were supposed to be working. I was.

I was on my way to work, you know, and I was just walkin' down the street.

I swear to God. I was walkin' down.

Then there was this building, and it was on fire.

I ran up about five or six steps and rescued a burning baby.

I got burning baby all over me, and that's what happened to my clothes.

So, look, just go to wardrobe and get me a few pair of pants.

There's no way. Come on. Just gimme a couple things from wardrobe.

Meet me on the Mission set in ten minutes.

No. Oh, come on, baby.

I'll tell you a secret. Come here. I'll lick you all over for a dime.

Stop. Okay, for free then.

Ten minutes, at the Mission, okay ? Come on, please.

Oh, please. I love you so much.

Come on. Ten minutes, okay ?

[ Moans ] [ Man Shouting ]

Hey, Cheech ? Where's that wall I'm supposed to go crash through ?

Oh, uh, uh, I think it's that one.

Thanks a lot. Yeah, yeah, man. Hey, sure thing, man.

[ Screaming ]

[ Director ] What happened ? [ Screaming Continues ]

[ Canister Clanging ]

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Grunting ]

I won't stand still for this any longer. I'm not getting any help from the police.

I'm not getting any help from our government.

I'm just gonna call the Board of Health,

and they'll just exterminate you and that cockroach you live with.

Oh ! You're dirty and filthy and diseased !

We need Dr. Switzer and Dr. Salk to come into this neighborhood...

and give it one big shot of penicillin.

Yes ! You animal !

Hey, hold it. Where's your pass ?

Pass ? Oh, okay, thanks a lot, man.

[ Chattering ] ♪ [ Rock 'N' Roll ]

[ Engine Revving ]

♪ [ Continues Loudly ]

♪ Hell on wheels ♪

♪ I'm takin' off ♪ ♪ Takin' off ♪

♪ Takin' off ♪ ♪ Takin' off ♪

♪ Wheelin' on the freeway ♪

♪ What a freedom ♪

♪ Hung up from my tailpipe ♪

♪ A screamin' hell ♪

♪ On wheels ♪

♪ Girl, take the chance if you wanna ♪

♪ Ride the wind ♪

♪ Now my mates are gonna ♪

♪ Hate to love me In the end ♪

♪ Don't you fall in love with me ♪

♪ Don't try to close me in ♪

♪ I will try to get out of here ♪

♪ Gonna get in the wind ♪

♪ Hell on wheels ♪

♪ Is takin' off ♪ ♪ Takin' off ♪

♪ Takin' off ♪ ♪ Takin' off ♪

♪ [ Cheech Scatting "My Sharona" ]

♪ My scrotum ♪

♪ [ Continues ]

♪ My scrotum ♪

[ Amplified Loudly ]

[ Loud Distortion ]

♪ [ Blaring Guitar ]

♪ [ Continues ]

[ Whining ]

[ Crying ] Oh, they're gone ! They're all gone !

They killed 'em all.

♪ [ Continues ]

Oh, God.

Oh, man, not again.

Oh, God.

You murderers !

Hey, man !

Hey !

Hey, man !

Hey ! Hey, man !

Hey !

Oh, God. [ Panting ]

Goddamn, man. Hope I can still have babies. Huh ?

Oh, God, it's loud, man. Oh, shit. What ?

Hey, come on outside, man. Gimme a hand. Huh ?

Oh, God, that curdled my milk. What'd you say ?

You oughta see what I got this time, man. It'll trip you out. This is the best one.

We'll put it in the bathroom.

Wait'll you see it. You'll trip out, man. This thing's really heavy.

I don't know how I got 'em. I lucked out.

They were shootin' a Las Vegas scene or something, you know ?

They just had one more scene to go, so I grabbed it, man.

Check it out, man. It's really choice.

Come on. Gimme a hand. Hey, how do you like these pants too ?

[ Moaning ]

Hey, man, check it out. Oh, yeah, I like this.

[ Moaning Continues ] Hey, somebody ripped off the thing I ripped off.

Aw, shit. Oh, no. This is nice, man.

Hey, man, come here. Gimme a hand, man. [ Moaning Continues ]

Oh, shit. Hey, come here, quick.

Come on. Lift it up.

Let's get it in the house before anything else happens to it.

You murderers ! It's a slot machine. I'm gonna put it in the bathroom.

My hands ! My hands !

♪ [ Cheech Scatting ]

Hey, hey, hey, man. Hey, hey, hey.

Do you know another tune ? Geez. Oh, oh, yeah.

[ Falsetto ] ♪ One summer night ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, man.

Get in your left lane, man. Get in your left lane. What ?

Left ? Right. Oh, right, okay. Right.

Your left lane, man. You said right.

[ Horns Honking ]

What are you doin' ? Oh, man, people don't know how to drive around here.

Man, where'd he buy his gas ? Look out, man !

[ Honking ] [ Chong ] Watch out !

You're gonna kill us, man. You're gonna kill everybody. [ Honking ]

Hey, brother ! Move it or milk it, huh ?

[ Car Horn Honking ] Now what's this, man ?

Who's this indio ? He looks like he went through Pep Boys with a magnet.

Hey, Cochise, circle up. The wagons are gonna attack.

[ Honking Continues ] What's goin' on, man ?

I know what's happening, man.

We ain't dressed right. That's why we ain't gettin' no respect.

♪ [ "Tequila" ]

All right, that's better, man.

When you go into these neighborhoods, you gotta have your stuff together.

You gotta have your attitude, your whole trip down.

You know, everybody throws their bad looks at you.

Man. I feel like we should go eat tacos now or something.

[ Laughing ] Want me to teach you some Spanish words ? Okay.

Okay, when you see a real good friend, you say,

"Hey, pendejo, how ya doin' ?"

Try it. Hey, "pendecko," how ya doin' ?

Yeah, that's close enough. What does that mean ?

Oh, that means, uh, "my real good friend."

Pende-- Pen-- How's that again ?

Pendejo, man. "Pendecko."

Yeah, yeah. You know. Then say, "Bend over, 'pendecko.'"

Hey, Holmes.

Hey, that's a nice car, man.

You better get it back to the circus before they find out it's gone.

Oh, you wanna jump, huh ?

Hey, is that all the higher you can get it up, man ?

[ Laughing ] Go ahead. Hit it, man.

Whoo !

[ Laughing ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Laughing ]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, knock it off.

Hey, man, stop !

[ Shouting Continues ] Hey ! Hey, man, stop !

Hey ! Oh, shit !

[ Shouting Continues ]

Hey ! [ Laughing ]

Hey, man, stop, man ! Hey, man, let go !

Turn it off, man ! We're all messed up !

Man, what are you doing ? Hey !

[ Speaking In Spanish ]

[ Shouting In Spanish ] ♪ Tequila ♪

Hey, pendejos, how ya doin' ?

[ Shouting Angrily In Spanish ]

Don't say pendejos. He didn't mean anything ! Hey, pendejos !

What he meant was-- What ? Huh ?

[ Shouting Continues ]

We gotta go now. [ Chuckling ]

You got a nice yard. Yeah, see you, pendejos.

♪ Tequila ♪

[ Cheech ] ♪ Aye, Chicona ♪

[ Whistling ] Hey, it's about time, man. What do you got ? Gimme some.

What ? Give me a drink, man.

Come on, man. Gimme a drink. Of this ?

Yeah. Oh, go ahead, man. Help yourself.

Wait a minute. [ Sniffing ]

Hey, man, that's pee ! [ Chuckling ] No kidding.

What are you doing with pee ? It's for my probation officer.

- What, does he drink pee ? - No, man. Last week I was supposed to bring some in.

Yeah. And I forgot to wash out the jar first, you know.

Yuck ! So they see all the mayonnaise floatin' around in there,

and they think I'm on some kind of weird drug again. [ Chuckling ] Right.

I'm really gonna fuck with his mind this time. Why ? What'd you do ?

I had my sister pee in it. Yeah ?

Yeah, and she's pregnant. [ Laughing ] [ Laughing ]

Hey, did you get the weed ? No, she's out of it, man.

So they're just waitin' on some from Colombia. Watch the bumps, man.

Watch the bumps. Yeah, watch out. Oh, that bump there.

It'll probably spill all over if I hit it real hard !

Come on, man.

Oh, I'm so very sorry. [ Chuckling ]

You're getting it all over my clothes. Watch where you're driving.

Watch my car do the twist. ♪ Hey, let's twist again ♪

Come on, man. ♪ Like we did last summer ♪

Come on. Come on, man.

Now, hey, come on. I'm spillin' it, man.

Hey, hold on. [ Laughing ] Oh, watch out.

You smell like pee, man. Hey, Cheech. Hey, hey, man, look.

[ Speaking In Spanish ]

Man, where'd you get that ?

My sister gave it to me. God, what is that, man ?

What does it look like ? It looks like coke.

Yeah, and it smells like coke too.

All right, man. Hey, let's party, man. Gimme some.

No. No, I can't. It's gotta last me.

Hey, come on, man. Gimme a hit, man.

No. I-I-I'd like to, man,

but I don't wanna be responsible for turnin' you into a drug addict.

Oh, man, I ain't gonna turn into a drug addict. Gimme a little hit.

This shit's bad for you, man. Don't you read Ann Landers ?

Man, come on. No, it'll give you brain damage, man.

Come on, man. Just gimme a little bit. Man, come on. No.

Hey, come on, please. No.

Man, come on ! No, it's all I got, man.

I could get laid with this, huh ? Shit.

Okay, I don't want any. Good.

Hey, man, don't be so chickenshit, man. Gimme some.

Come on, man. Just let me smell it then. No.

Come on. Just let me, let me hold it just for-- You can just smell it.

I just wanna smell it. Just smell it. That's all.

All right. You promise you won't take any.

I promise. Cross my heart, hope to die, 100 needles in my eye.

Come on. Gimme some. That smells of-- Okay.

Hey ! [ Laughing ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Gagging ]

Hey, man ! That's salt, man !

No shit ? [ Laughing ] [ Gagging ]

Hey, don't drink that, man. [ Laughing ]

Oh, shit ! I'm gonna die.

[ Tires Skidding ] Hey, watch the road, man.

I'm gonna die ! I'm gonna die !

Hey, watch out ! Hey, watch the road !

Here, here, here.

[ Groaning ]

[ Groaning Continues ] [ Laughing ]

Hey, watch the road, man. Watch the road.

[ Laughing ] Watch the road.

[ Belches ]

♪ Good day, sunshine ♪

[ Sniffing ]

♪ [ Singing, Indistinct ]

Shit.

Hey, man, wake up. Hey, man, wake up.

We've been ripped off, man. We've been ripped off. What ?

Where ? Who ? Who did it ? Oh, the van.

The van's gone, man ! I parked out in front last night.

Now I went out there, and it's not parked out in front no more.

Somebody took us. Shit, why did I take it home ? Why did I take it home ?

We gotta call somebody. Where's the phone book ? What ?

The van, the van ! I parked the van out there, and now it's not there.

It's gone. Yeah, it's gone. Duh, uh, yeah.

Oh, God, why did I take it home ? Maybe I left the keys in it.

What do you mean ? Shit, I hot-wired it myself.

Oh, God, why did I take it home ?

Where's the phone book, man ?

What am I gonna tell 'im ? What am I gonna tell 'im ?

I'll tell 'im I lied. That's what I'll tell 'im, man.

Why don't you tell 'im the truth, man ? What do you mean ?

I can just see me tellin' 'im...

"Mr. Straumberg, you know that van that I wasn't supposed to take home overnight ?

Well, I took it home overnight, and it got stolen."

You know what he's gonna say, man ? [ Screaming ]

[ Crashing Noise, Cackling ]

Yeah, tell him the truth.

Hey, come on. Help me out, man. What am I gonna tell him ? Help me find the phone book too.

[ Sighs ] Goddamn it.

Oh, shit. Oh, what am I gonna do ? Why did I take it home, man ?

Shit. [ Groaning ]

Hey, man, help me out, man ! I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin'.

I'll tell him the gypsy story. How's that ? No, tell him--

Tell him you needed the van to take out his daughter.

Oh, man, I don't take out his daughter.

Yeah, but he'll be so worried about his daughter, he'll forget all about the van.

Oh, man, I better call the cops.

What are they under, "cops" ? No, no, "law." Yeah.

No, no, "heat." Heat, heat, heat.

"Heating and Plumbing." What is that, 4-1-1 ?

[ Ringing ] Oh, shit, that's work.

Hey, man, answer the phone, please.

Come on, man. It's work. I know it's work. Answer the phone for me.

Come on, man. All right, don't be so chickenshit.

I'll give you my last stick of tie weed. [ Ringing Continues ]

Come on. Just answer the phone, man. Oh, man.

Come on. Just answer the phone. Shit. Hello ?

Yeah, he's right here. Just a minute. It's for you.

Thanks a lot.

Hello ?

Hi, Mr. Straumberg. How are you, sir ?

I was just gonna call you. You'll never guess what happened.

I took the van out overnight, and I kept it.

And, uh, it's just been stolen. Ah !

I'm fi-- Oh.

For what ?

You still owe me two weeks for my pay.

Yeah, well, that was a loan. That wasn't an advance.

Okay. Thank you.

I wouldn't take out your daughter if she had ten tits.

What happened, man ? I got fired, man.

Well, they got the van ? Yeah, they got the van. They took it this morning.

Shit. After all I did for him too, huh ?

Man, some people. [ Groaning ]

Well, where is that tie stick ?

[ Whispering ] Oh, man, shit.

Well, at least we've still got welfare.

[ Shouting ]

I wanna be downright holy with you, so you could--

Come on. Give me my money.

Did you get a card from them ? Check the files again.

Just look in the files. Look under my name.

I gave you the name. It's in there.

Just check it out. Check out the files.

Hey, sucker, take a number.

Oh, how about number one ?

Come on, lady. Gimme my money.

Hey, man, you got the whole thing. What's this ?

This ain't no money. I want some green.

Gimme some money. That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, hey, brother, they just called your number. [ Children Giggling ]

Yeah, over there. Hurry up, man.

Hey, go out for a pass, you guys. Go on. ♪ Da-da-da-da-ra ♪

Yea !

You want me to get militant or something ? Hey, get me a translator over here !

I hope Donna comes pretty soon, man.

Hope she hasn't eaten. [ Chuckling ] I got something for her.

A tubesteak smothered in underwear. Mmm.

Oh, there she is.

[ Both Moaning ]

Oh, she's too much.

Shake 'em, you won't break 'em. [ Moaning ]

Hey, baby !

What ? Around ?

You wanna go around the world ? Both of us ?

[ Chuckling ] All right.

Okay. Come on. Come on, man.

[ Shouting Continues ]

Ooh, hot mama !

Hey, Cheecheto. Hey. [ Giggling ]

Shh. Keep it down, man. Hi, guys.

Why don't you wait in there for me ? I'll be right out. All right.

I got a private conference. Come on.

You gotta cool it, man. [ Groaning ]

No. Come on, don't. Not now.

I don't want to do anything now because you're gonna make me lose my job.

[ Laughing ]

You'll just have to excuse me now or I'll lose my job.

Stop. Don't do that. I said, not now.

Oh, God, Cheeto, not here. Relax.

Don't do it now. Don't you understand I'm working right now ?

You know you wanna do this. Oh, God.

[ Donna Moaning ]

♪ [ Imitating Guitar, Blues ]

♪ [ Imitating Harmonica, Blues ]

♪ Saw my bookie this mornin' ♪

I know, but you're gonna make me lose my button.

Oh, gosh, you--

[ Laughing ]

[ High-Pitched Noises ]

Don't. Stop !

Don't. Leave it alone. Let me do it.

Don't. Don't stop. Don't.

[ Imitating Spaceship Whirring ]

It's all right to smoke in here.

Oh, Cheeto, come on. You're gonna get me in so much trouble.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. [ Imitating Siren ]

[ Giggling ]

[ Screaming ]

You're gonna get me in trouble. Can't you wait until lunchtime ?

[ Screams ] Come on. I got a lot of stuff to do, baby.

Hey, you want some Coke ?

Want a Coke ?

No, thanks.

[ Sniffing ]

Ow ! Shit !

[ Panting ]

Ooh, baby.

[ Imitating Baby Crying ]

[ Imitating Baby Sucking Pacifier ]

[ Imitating Baby Crying ]

Aw, shut up.

Don't. Stop it.

Mr. Cheech. Huh ?

- Mr. Cheech. - Oh, he's in there, ma'am.

[ Donna Screaming ]

[ Cheech ] Oh, there we go, baby.

Now what is going on here ? [ Gasping ]

This is an office, not a flophouse.

I told you, man, you were gonna get me in trouble.

Donna, I've been meaning to talk to you.

[ Shouting, Indistinct ]

[ Imitating Dog Barking ]

[ Imitating Cat And Dog Fighting ]

[ Shouting Continues ]

I ain't gonna listen to you !

Oh, shit.

Stop that. Geez, man.

Oh, man, I was just tryin' to find a quarter on the floor. Damn.

♪ Hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ Don't you come back no more no more, no more, no more ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ Don't you come back no more ♪ ♪ What you say ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack Don't you come back no more no more, no more, no more ♪

♪ [ Humming ] Yeah, yeah, right there. Okay, let's try it.

♪ Mexican-Americans don't like to just get into gang fights ♪

♪ They like flowers and music ♪

♪ And white girls named Debbie too ♪

♪ Mexican-Americans ♪

♪ Are named Chata and Chilla and Chema ♪

♪ And have a son-in-law named Jeff ♪

♪ Mexican-Americans ♪

♪ Don't like to get up early in the morning ♪

♪ But they have to so they do it real slow ♪

♪ Mexican-Americans love education ♪

♪ So they go to night school and they take Spanish and get a "B" ♪

Yeah, just like that.

♪ Mexican-Americans love their nanas ♪

♪ And their no-nos and their ninas ♪

♪ And their ninos Nanu, nanu Nina, no, no ♪

♪ Mexican-Americans ♪

♪ Don't like to go to the movies ♪

♪ Where the dude has to wear contact lenses ♪

♪ To make his blue eyes brown ♪

♪ 'Cause don't it make my brown eyes blue ♪

That's all I got. How do you like it ?

Oh, that's good. Oh, yeah. That's like a protest tune, man.

Yeah, I-I dig that, man, but while you were singing that, I wrote another tune.

Oh, yeah ? Yeah.

It's like the same thing, only different, you know. Do you wanna hear it ?

Yeah, let's hear it. It's like a little more rock 'n' roll in it.

All right, we'll get down. It goes something like this.

♪ Beaners ♪

♪ Beaners ♪ [ Phone Ringing ]

I gotta work a little more on the lyrics, you know. Yeah, that's heavy, man.

It's kinda like, you know-- Yeah, I know.

♪ Beaners gonna ♪ [ Ringing Continues ]

Hello ? ♪ Mexican-Americans like to answer telephones ♪

♪ And say hello to whoever's on the other end ♪ ♪ Beaners ♪

Who's a tonto ?

♪ Beaners Gonna eat beans ♪

Yeah. ♪ Beaners ♪

Oh, Donna. Hey, baby. Hey, I was just thinkin' about you.

"Boin-oi-oing."

Wait a minute. The blood's rushin' from my head. I'm gonna pass out.

[ Panting, Chuckling ] Hey, what you doin' ?

♪ Beaners will kick ya in the face ♪

Hey, you wanna go out tonight ?

You do ? [ Moaning ]

I don't care. Anywhere. How about over here ? ♪ Beaners gonna ♪

Oh, yeah ? Yeah ? Oh, well, yeah, yeah. Come by any time.

I'll just be here. I'll be waiting with "balls" on.

[ Chuckling ] You're so too much.

Okay, I'll see you in a little while. Hey, man.

♪ Beaners ♪ Hey, hey, hey, you gotta get out of here, man.

Put down the-- Put down your guitar. What happened ?

Come on. Donna's coming over, man. Who ?

Donna. Donna. Get outta here, man.

Donna. You know, from the welfare office ? Who's Donna ?

Donna, with the big "cha-cha bingos." Well, so what ?

Well, like, she's comin' over. I gotta clean up this place, so can you leave ?

I got nowhere to go. Go see a movie or somethin', man.

Isn't there a biker movie or a "Gidget Ga-Ga Gets Gooey"...

that started playin' down at the drive-in ? I don't have any bread.

[ Phone Ringing ] I'll give you a dollar, man. I don't got any bread.

Hey, man, just go take a walk or something for-- [ Ringing Continues ]

The phone again. Oh, shit. She can't wait.

Oh, so too much. ♪ Oh, Donna ♪

♪ Oh, Donna What's happening, baby ♪

Who ? DeWayne ?

Hi, Red. When did you get into town, man ?

Oh, yeah ? Oh, it's so nice to hear from you.

What's wrong ? No, I don't have no money.

Okay, where are you ? Shit.

What room ?

Well, I'll do what I can, man.

All right, I'll be-- All right, all right. I'll be right over.

Yeah, sure. Oh, shit, man.

Hey, do me a favor, will you please ?

It's my cousin on the phone. Well, he's kinda like a cousin.

But, well, like, you know, we-- He's a cousin.

He's really a good dude, man. Yeah, he's a good dude.

He's got plenty of dope and chicks, man. He likes to party.

Why don't you just go over and party with him, okay ? Should I bring him back here ?

No, man, don't bring him back here, man.

He likes to go to clubs and concerts, you know, really get down.

Just go and party with him. Where's he at ?

Oh, oh, he's at the hotel. Hold on. I'll get the thing right here. Yeah.

He's over here, man. Why don't you just go party with him, man ?

I ain't got no dough, man. Oh, shit. Wait. Shit, I ain't got no money.

What am I talking about ? He's a Texas oil millionaire. You'll have a really good time.

This guy, he's a part of our family, but we hardly ever see him.

Tell him I said hi. Don't bring him over.

Tell him that we got smallpox or something.

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ [ Humming ]

♪ Hey, hey Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Macho, macho man ♪ ♪ Macho man, yeah ♪

♪ I've got to be a macho man ♪ ♪ I've got to be a macho ♪

Hey, thanks a lot, man. Okay, man.

Wow, this is a great bike. Hey, are you sure I can't buy you a drink ?

Uh, no, thanks, man. Maybe some other time.

Pity.

How ya doin' there, man ? How ya doin' ? Merry Christmas.

Hey, now, wait a minute. There's got to be some mistake.

I thought you were talkin' about a week now.

[ Clerk ] Ignorance of the law is no excuse.

Well, wait a minute. You just said 37.50.

You didn't say nothin' about no time or nothin'.

What, do you have no brain ? Well, come on. We gotta work out somethin' here.

How about I could trade you somethin'. You like turquoise ?

I got this, uh, squashed blossom necklace from the Bisbee mine.

That's gotta be worth somethin'. Bisbee mines ?

Sir, could you tell me what room DeWayne Mendoza's in ?

- Yeah, I could tell ya. - Cheech !

Hey, you old piece of horseshit. How ya doin' ?

Goddamn it. It's good to see you.

Oh, shit, I ain't seen you in so long ! How ya doin' ? Good, man.

Goddamn, you got ugly. [ Laughing ]

Hey, it's good to see you. How ya doin', boy ?

I ain't Cheech, man. What ?

No. I'm Cheech's friend, Chong.

Hey, Ching, glad to meet ya. How ya doin' ? My name's Red.

DeWayne Mendoza. Everybody calls me Red though. You can call me Red.

Hey, did he give you the money ? No, he-- We're broke, man.

He just told me to come down and meet ya. He didn't give ya no money ?

N-No, we don't have no money.

Oh, geez. Why ? What's the matter, man ?

Well, I checked in to this hotel, right ?

The guy says 37.50, you know, so I thought he meant 37.50 a week, not a goddamn day.

Now old Dilbert Dumb Butt is holdin' my luggage,

and he won't give it up until I pay the bill, and I ain't got the money.

Hey, well, let me talk to him, man. Yeah ?

Uh-- [ Clears Throat ] Excuse me, sir. What do ya want ?

Uh, why don't you give him his luggage, man ?

'Cause he owes $262.50,

and in another five minutes, it'll be an additional 37.50.

Yeah, well, you know, why don't you just give him his luggage ?

Then we'll come back later and give you the bread. Why don't you forget life ?

Hey, listen, you little creep. Give him his fuckin' luggage. Let go of me !

Why don't you let go ? I know you are, but what am I ?

Listen, give him his luggage ! Let me go, or I'll call the cops.

Does it make you feel like a big man to beat people up ? Give him his luggage, man.

I'm gonna call the cops. Well, call the cops.

Hey, Chang, come here. Hey, look, we don't wanna call the cops...

'cause in my luggage I got some weed. Let me kill him, man.

I got some weed in my luggage, you get it ? Some weed ?

Yeah, see, I was gonna come down here with my cousin.

Klaus. [ Giggling ] Eileen.

Klaus. Klaus. Eileen.

Klaus. Eileen, Eileen, Eileen.

Knock, knock. Who's there ?

It's Irma. Irma who ?

[ Falsetto ] Irma la Seduce. Ah-ha.

Is Mr. Who-ha home ?

Just a minute. I'll see. [ Giggling ]

Mm-hmm, but he's sleeping.

Shall I get him up ?

[ Chuckling ]

Irma loves Klaus. Gimme Klaus.

Hey, Ching. Huh ?

Hey, how long you know my old cousin, man ? A couple of years, man.

Yeah, I haven't seen that old boy in about ten years, man.

The old shit for brains. [ Chuckling ]

Hey, does he still dress funny ?

He still wearin' them little hats ?

Man, them low riders never give up, man. I swear to God.

Is this it, man ? Yeah, that's it, man. My stuff's right inside.

Oh, it's got bars on here, man. Oh, shit, well, how we gonna get in ?

[ Grunting ] Oh.

Oh, goddamn, King Kong. Get it.

Man, this is supposed to keep people out, man. Look at this, man.

I wanna see my cousin, man. I haven't seen him in about ten years, man.

I just been back in the hills chokin' my chicken. [ Metal Bar Clanging ]

All right, Del Rey, go to it.

[ Woman Giggling ]

Who is it ?

[ Groaning ] Damn.

Hey, Wild Bill, wait for me.

Neighbors ? We'll keep it down.

[ Screaming ]

Oh, hey, how ya doin' ? [ Chuckling ]

What ? Who, who, who ? Hippies !

They're hippies ? Hey, we're just lookin' for some luggage. Relax.

Do these rooms connect ? Who is--

[ Screaming ] Do something.

- Who are you ? - Don't you lay a hand on me.

Oh, Eileen, don't now. Don't, don't-- You'll never get me.

Don't, don't, don't. They're big men. There was a bag,

and a duffle bag and a tape recorder.

What do you want ? Did you see a tape recorder ?

You'd love to get me ! You touch me, and you're dead ! Shh, don't aggravate them.

We didn't-- I know a lot of cops.

Do you mind telling me what you do with this ? Don't touch me.

What else is there ? You'd like to touch me.

You're upset. Boing !

Offenders ! This is not mine.

The police. This is-- The police.

The police. I'll kill you before I'll let you lay a finger on me.

Get away from me now. [ Red ] We have the wrong room. Can you believe that ?

I'm talking to the cops right now, thank you very much, ma'am.

Yes. This is the real thing this time.

Come on, please. There's two crazies in here tearing up the place.

I already told you where we're located. [ Grunting ]

Well, what are they doing, walking over here ?

Look, I think they're Iranians.

Okay, thank you very much.

[ Sirens Continue ]

Okay, here comes the radio. Be careful with it. [ Grunting ]

There you go. All right.

There goes the weed. Weed ?

You gotta be real careful. Here's the suitcase. Here.

Hey, man, I said be careful with that. Weed ?

Man, if you break it, that's worth a lotta money. Shit.

Holy Jesus !

I brought down one bush, man. That's just the top.

Buds, man ! Yeah, I didn't know how much to bring down.

They smell good, don't they ? Holy Christ ! How much you got in here ?

That's just one bush. That's just the top.

I just brought enough to party with.

I got a whole field of 'em. Fields everywhere.

They just grow wild everywhere, man. Oh, wow.

That's all I smoke, man. I throw the rest of it to my hogs, man.

Buds, man, look at this. Yeah, I thought we'd party with some, maybe smoke some.

You think we can sell some of that shit ?

Oh, man, you know how much this stuff's worth ?

Oh, I don't know. I've been outta circulation a little bit. Hundred bucks ?

[ Chuckling ] Twenty-five hundred bucks a pound, man.

Are you shittin' me ? Jesus !

Twenty-five hundred bucks a pound ? You got about 20 pounds.

Holy shit. We're rich. We're rich, man !

Goddamn. Well, come on, tycoon. Let's go party. Right.

Do you like the way them sticks are tied up ? Buds, man.

Yeah, we had a bunch of boat people moved into the neighborhood.

I couldn't believe it. I put 'em to work. They work like hell.

They don't smoke half the shit like Mexicans do.

[ ns Wailing ] Hey, just feed 'em a bowl of rice a day,

or the Cocoa Puffs or Rice Krispies or whatever, they're happy as hell.

Oh, shit, listen to that. [ Sirens Continue ]

It's the cops. Oh, God, I'm gonna get this on tape here.

Here, hold this. I wanna get this on tape.

I use this to scare away the deer in the field.

I play it, but I-- Come on. I want it. Come on.

I wanna get this recorded. This is gonna be great.

I'll turn it up real loud, so--

Come on. This is gonna be great. [ Laughing ]

[ People Chattering ]

[ Helicopter Blades Whirring ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

All right, move these people back. Move 'em back. Get back.

You in there, you are under arrest.

Come out now and you won't get hurt.

I said come out, or we're coming in to get you. Get down. Get down.

We have the place surrounded. You have two minutes.

Come out now and--

Get these people away from me ! Get these people back now !

That's the guys right there ! Come out with your hands up.

Somebody take care of this man. Let go, you fuckin' asshole !

[ All Yelling At Once ] I'm the guy who called !

Why don't you just kill me ? Let me go !

You fucking assholes ! Get off me ! Let me go ! You fuckin' morons !

Let me go, man ! Attica ! Attica ! Attica !

Let me go ! I'm fragile !

Move along. Come out now, and you won't get hurt. [ Laughing ]

You are under arrest. We have the place surrounded.

Ow ! Ow ! Okay, okay, I'm in ! [ Man On Bullhorn ] Come out or--

Goddamn, Chang. Hey, this is excitin', man. [ Laughs ]

I'm glad I met you, Chang. Oh, man, I'm glad I met you, man.

This town has been so dry, man. You wouldn't believe it.

Hey, where'd you get a name like Ching ? You don't look like a Ching.

My dad's Chinese, man. What's your mama ?

She's a waitress. Oh.

[ Cheech ] I thought you got named like they named Chinese babies.

They take silverware and throw it in the air and it comes down and goes,

ching-chang-chong, bing-bang-bong.

You get it ?

Damn, I can't stand long pants, man.

Whoo ! Don't cut yourself. [ Together ] Whoo !

You guys wanna go to a party ? Yeah.

Hell yeah ! Here it is.

All right ! Hey, listen, you guys have any, uh, blow ?

What ? You know. [ Sniffing ]

No. Oh, here. Use my sleeve.

[ Laughing ] Forget it !

Hey, uh-- Whoo ! What's this here ?

It says, "Good for massage or enema." I'll take the massage.

Come on. Let's go, man. This sounds like good fun. Holy sheep shit.

Okay, gentlemen, would you come with me, please.

Hey, we'll come any way you want. [ Chuckles ]

With you or with them or with anybody.

Put us in the same room 'cause we wanna party, okay ? [ Laughing ]

Hold it, boys. Have a seat and I'll be right back.

Oh. Okay. Well, hurry up or we'll start without you.

Ooh, you see the way them legs both make an ass of themselves.

[ Laughing ] Hey, let's party ! Come on.

Wanna choose up sides and smell armpits ? I got you.

Damn, this is great, man.

Damn, you look funny. [ Laughing ]

Hey, the water's gettin' warmer.

Yeah, and yellower too.

Ahh. Ah, man. Do you get it ?

Ah, I'm gettin' outta here. Hey, can we have some towels ?

Damn, you're nasty.

Now you just let me know if there's anything else I can get for you.

Oh, anything ? Yes.

Oh, how about joining us ? [ Screaming ]

[ Laughing ] Hey, we live by the lake. Drop in any time.

Hey, you wanna party ? Come on. Hey, let's party. [ Laughing ]

[ Muttering ] How you guys doin' ?

I think your leg's a little obscure there.

That ain't my leg. [ Laughing ]

Hey ! Hey, you wanna party ? Hey !

[ Coughing ] Don't drink the water, whatever you do.

Where'd ya go ? [ Chuckling ]

Hey, where'd ya go ?

Hey !

Holy sheep shit !

[ Laughs ] Goddamn !

How-- How ya do that ?

Goddamn !

Goddamn ! Hey, Chong !

Hey, hey, Chong ! Goddamn ! Come here and look at this here !

Hey, Chong !

[ Clucking ] [ Woman ] Charlie.

[ Charlie ] What ? Time up.

I haven't crowed yet. Ohh, crow.

[ Crowing ]

[ Both Laughing ]

Charlie, untie me ! Untie me, Charlie !

Charlie. Hey. Hey, that was neat, man !

[ Groans ] [ Clucking ]

Charlie, goddamn it.

Never mind. You're gettin' out. Now get your clothes and get the hell outta here !

Oh, hiya, Charlie. How ya doin' ? Nice to see ya. Tony.

Hi. How are you ? Hi. You got a nice smile on your face.

Candy been takin' good care of ya ?

Yes. Uh, in fact, she's one of your best girls.

You're telling me ? You know, she's an actress. Really ?

Oh, indeed ! She's got her own answering service.

She's got an eight-by-ten glossy of herself. She came in second on a mouthwash commercial.

That was fun, man.

[ Women Moaning Passionately ] Hey, listen.

Hey, listen.

What, are they fightin' ? No, no, they're gettin' it on.

I wanna record this. This'll scare the hell outta the deer, man.

And... record. [ Cassette Player: Siren Wailing ]

[ Man's Voice On Tape ] You in there, you are under arrest !

Come out now, and you won't get hurt. [ Siren Continues ]

I said come out, or we're coming in to get you.

- We have the place surrounded. - Come on, Senator, let's get outta here !

- [ Man Shouting ] It's a raid ! - Come out now.

Get those people away from me ! Get these people back now !

Come out now, and you won't get hurt. [ Screaming ]

[ Sirens Continue ] Oh, my God ! [ Screaming ]

[ Shouting ]

Hey, it's a raid ! [ Laughing ]

Look out ! Run !

All right ! I'm comin' to get ya !

Hey, it's a hop frog. Let me do it ! Let me do it !

Hey, what's the matter, little lady ? You're all hung up.

[ Tape Stops ] Hey there, I'll cut you loose. Let go there.

Oh, there you go ! You're free ! You have a new record.

[ Laughing ]

I didn't know massage parlors were like that, man. ♪ [ Tape: Blues ]

That was-- Goddamn, that was fun !

Why don't you wait for me ? Where are ya going ? Can I go with you ?

Oh, hell yeah ! You can go with us, man.

Oh, that was fun. [ Whining ] He wouldn't untie me.

No. [ Laughs ] No.

Hey, we never did get a massage, did we ?

Hey, I'm hungry. Are you hungry ? Yeah. Let's go eat.

All right, let's eat. Hey, get over there ! It's a raid !

♪ Sittin' in a la-la Waitin' for my ya-ya ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ Sittin' in a la-la Waitin' for my ya-ya ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ It may sound funny but I don't believe she's comin' ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

Hey, baby. Come on, bitch.

Shit ! I got a lot of shit to do.

Shit.

Shit, if that bitch don't get here pretty soon,

I'll have to wait some more.

♪ Hey, baby blue You don't make me woo Uh-huh ♪

[ Man ] Yes, can I help you ?

[ Woman ] Yes, I'd like to buy a classical guitar, please.

You're looking at one. Real antique, this one.

That sounds really nice. How much is it ?

It's not for sale. That's our prized possession.

...that's when I said, "Whenever you're in town, I'll keep an eye out for ya."

[ Laughing ] You get it ? Huh ?

She only had one eye, so I said, "I'll keep an eye out for ya."

Oh, wow. Oh, you'll get it later.

Oh, holy sheep shit !

Goddamn, it's guitar heaven !

I died and went to guitar heaven. Goddamn, look at all--

[ Amplifier Blaring, Distorted ]

All right, man ! What the hell do ya think you're doin' ? Huh ?

♪ Treat me like a fool ♪

♪ Treat me mean and cruel ♪

♪ Whoa-ho, love me ♪

I'm just tryin' it out, man. Aah ! Ah !

Hey, hey, that's enough of that. What the hell, are you in the Rolling Stones ?

What's the matter with you ? Got a wild hair up your ass ?

[ Cymbals Crashing ]

No, not here ! Go, go, go, go. [ Chuckles ]

That guy got flustered, huh ? Hey, cutie pie, how you doin' ?

[ Guitar Feeding Back Loudly ] Far out !

[ Distortion Continues ]

Holy sheep shit ! Whoo !

Goddamn, that was fun !

Hey, I'm hungry. You hungry ? Goddamn cheap amplifiers.

Hey, come on. Let's get somethin' to eat. Goddamn, man, did you see--

♪ [ "Dixie" ] Whoo !

[ Laughing ]

Whoa, look at that car ! [ Shouting ]

I'm callin' the cops ! You ruined my store !

[ Both Shouting ]

[ Shouting ] Here, there ya go.

Wait a minute. Wait ! Give us a ride, okay ?

We're gonna go get something to eat. What are you doing ?

We're just gonna get something. to eat. Let's go. Come on. She's gonna give us a ride.

Hey, thanks a lot. We really appreciate it. Look, I have to go.

Hop on that gas. Look, if you don't get outta here--

Hold on. Okay--

[ Siren Wailing ]

♪ [ Continues ]

All right, wait a minute.

[ Candy Screaming ]

[ Cheech Chattering ]

Gonna raise the bar bill till midnight !

♪ [ Radio: Rock ]

Holy sheep shit !

[ Chong ] Hoorah ! We're here ! [ Candy Whooping ]

[ Cheech ] We're home !

[ Radio Stops ] [ Cheech Chattering ]

[ Laughing ]

Come on. Whoo !

Hey, there's enough room for the Russian Army in this goddamn place.

Whoo ! Hey. [ Laughing ]

Goddamn. You live here, huh ?

Hey, open up ! We've come for your daughters ! [ Candy ] Hello !

Hey ! Hey ! Hello ! Hello !

[ Bell Ringing Continuously ] [ Loud Knocking ]

Hey. Hey ! [ Laughs ] How ya doin' ? [ Gasps ]

No, you have to leave right now ! Holy sheep shit !

Look at the size of this goddamn place ! Go away !

[ Screaming ] Missy, who are all these people ?

I don't know. You don't know ?

We can only stay a month. [ Laughs ]

Hey, hurry back ! Come on. Let's have some fun. Goddamn, look at this place.

Whoa. Boy, we're shittin' in top cotton now.

Goddamn ! Well, what cute outfits you have.

Now let me guess which ones you are. Now, let's see.

You're the cowardly lion, right ? Yeah !

But you have a heart. And let's see. You're Glenda, the good witch of the north.

That's her. But you forgot your skirt.

And let's see. Oh, uh-- Dum-du-dum.

Well, you're Toto, right ? Yeah, he's Toto.

I know I have some treats somewhere in the house for you, but you have to do a trick.

All right. Estrellita, muy grande la pinata, por favor.

Goddamn, look at this place. Holy sheep shit !

Goddamn.

Oh, God, look at that frog spear here. Goddamn.

[ Screaming ] [ Screams ]

[ Laughing ]

There's the cat. [ Shouting ]

[ Cat Snarling ]

[ Shouting Continues ] [ Banging ]

[ Snarling Continues ]

Ooo-ooo, I got something for you. Do you want Ho-Hums or Dodos ?

[ Cat Yelping ] How energetic. That cat never jumped that high before.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. - [ Cat Snarling ]

[ Dog Barking ]

Yes, right through here. There's plenty of room for everybody.

Maybe if you, uh, sit, uh-- Hey, get in there, little filly.

Well, that's usually Daddy's-- Hey, come on ! Let's eat !

Chasin' "pussy" makes me hungry. [ Laughing ]

Oh. Well, yes.

Estrellita, uh, tres mucho platos por la dinner.

Eeew, God. Get outta here.

[ Cheech Chattering ]

[ Candy Screaming ] [ Cheech Growling ]

So, when my baby was seven years old she started her riding lessons.

They were so-- Oh, Charles, surprise.

-[ Gasps ] -It's our 25th wedding anniversary and we have guests.

Charlie !

[ High-Pitched Screaming, Giggling ]

[ Cheech ] Hey, it's Chicken Charlie ! [ Chuckling ]

[ Belches ] [ Missy ] ♪ I'm goin' up ♪

♪ [ Acoustic Guitar ] ♪ I'm goin' down ♪

♪ I'm goin' up, down down, up ♪

♪ Any way you want me Let's go ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ You got me doin' what you want me ♪

♪ Baby, what you want me to do ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ [ Guitar Building To End ]

Oh, beautiful.

Now sing "This Land Was Your Land." Okay.

[ Both Shouting ] No ! No !

Let's do somethin' different.

Uh, how about let's do a magic trick. Wanna see a magic trick ?

Yes. Oh, all right. I'll do a magic trick.

Let's see. What can we do ? Oh, I know.

All right, I need somebody to help me. Who wants to help me ? Me, me, me.

Who ? Who ? Me !

Oh, how 'bout you ? Oh, okay.

All right, what's this ? A napkin.

All right, what's that ? Oh, the other side of the napkin.

Very good. Oh, you've been to school, huh ? Yeah.

Now I'm gonna take this napkin here and take this roll...

and put it in the middle of the napkin.

Uh-huh. What's that ?

Roll. Okay, what's that ?

Napkin. Very good.

You're still with me. Yeah.

Now the trick part of this magic trick is I'm gonna turn this here roll...

into a piece of fruit.

[ Gasps ] No.

Yeah, right before your very eyes.

This is exciting ! Okay, but I need your help.

Okay. I need you to hold the end of that roll right there.

That's a roll, right ? Yeah.

Hold it good and tight. Don't let it go. No.

Now, we're gonna turn it and roll it and roll it and mark it with a "B"...

and say the magic words: Abracadabra, hocus-pocus.

Hope it don't poke us in the eye. [ Laughs ]

And rub it like that there. What did I say I was gonna do ?

Turn it into a piece of fruit. Okay, well, you tell me.

Ain't that a peach ? [ Laughing ]

[ Chuckling ]

Do ya get it ? I don't get it.

Ain't that a peach ? See, that's a peach. See ? Do ya get it ?

I don't get it.

A peach, man ! A peach ! Do ya get it ?

[ All Laughing ]

It's a peach ! It's a peach. You don't get--

♪ You got me running ♪

♪ You got me hiding ♪

♪ You got me wrong, right all right ♪

♪ Any way you want me It's a peach ♪

[ Laughing ]

All right, Grandma, you're too much. That smell is so good.

It's like a sachet or a potpourri, isn't it ?

[ Cheech ] Oh, it's homegrown.

Here, have some. Oh, I garden myself, you know.

All right. Well, that's great stuff.

That's "senseamia," needless to say.

Hey, can you read between the lines ? How about shorthand ?

Watch the road ! Watch the road. Okay.

What's green and red and goes 105 miles an hour ?

I don't know. A frog in a blender.

[ Both Laughing ]

Ohh, my. I'm going to adopt you, okay ?

Hey, don't bogart it now, Grandma.

You can live in the room under the stairs.

Like a troll.

That could be a "troll bridge."

Hey, gimme another hit, Del Rey !

Ooh. Ohh. [ Sighs ]

Watch the road. Okay.

Where's it gonna go ?

We're not moving. That's right.

Oh, look at that traffic light. Isn't that pretty ?

Ohh. Daddy, can we have those for our Christmas tree ?

They change color too.

[ Mother Sighs ]

Oh, I wanna go down here. Can we go down here ? Where ? Where ?

Ooh, the Comedy House. I wanna laugh. I wanna laugh. I wanna laugh.

Oh, the Comedy House. Okay, here we go. Hey, we're comin' over !

♪ [ Trumpet, Droning ]

♪ [ Continues ]

[ Trumpeting Noises ]

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

[ Trumpeting Continues ]

[ Applause ] [ Man ] Thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh, it's so good to be here. So, I-- Shh, shh. Some outstanding...

entertainment coming up.

And our first comedian, he's been appearing at the Pico Riveria...

last couple of weeks and the Holiday Inn.

He's just knockin' 'em down.

Here he is, my friend, your friend,

Mr. Pee Wee Herman !

Yes, let's hear it for him. [ Applause ]

♪ [ Piano ]

Hi, everybody ! My name's Pee Wee. What's yours ?

Hey, look out ! [ Laughing ]

Say, you know, you two look a little familiar to me.

[ Cheech ] You smell familiar.

[ Crowd Laughing ]

Ah, ah, ah, I'm the comedian. I'll tell the jokes, okay, if you don't mind ?

If you think you're so funny, why don't you come up here and do an act ?

Go tell a joke. Go on and tell a joke. No.

Yeah, yeah, you think you're big stuff, why don't you come up here and try this out ?

♪ [ Band Starts In ]

Fuck it. I'll go somewhere else.

Hey, hey, here.

[ Laughing ] [ Applause Continues ]

Be funny !

Y'all wanna hear about Dilbert Dumb Butt in Mexico ?

Okay, here we go. Here it is.

Ol' Dilbert Dumb Butt, he went down to Mexico...

and he's walkin' around there in the plaza just havin' a taco, you know,

and gettin' the runs and everything, you know.

And he had to get back to the navy station and didn't know what time it was.

He sees this old Mexican type fellow leaning against a wall havin' a siesta.

And he says, "Hey, Poncho, can y'all tell a fellow what time it is ?"

And the guy looks up at him like that and he reaches back--

His sombrero had little dingle balls all over it.

And there's this donkey standin' next to him.

He reaches out like that and he grabs the donkey right by the balls, ya know.

Big old wet donkey balls.

[ Crowd Laughing ] He's terrible ! You're terrible !

And he lifts them up like that and he says, "Oh, senor, it's, mmm, 2:30."

Goddamn. Dilbert says, "Holy sheep shit !

How in the hell can you tell time by grabbin' a donkey's balls, man ?"

And he says, "Ah, simple, senor.

"First you take the balls of that burro and you lift 'em up,

and you see that clock over there ? [ Laughing ]

[ Crowd Whooping ]

[ Mother ] I get it !

You get it ? Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Hey, Grandma, you tell a joke.

Come on, mama ! Oh, me ? No.

Yeah, come on. Come on !

All right, Grandma ! All right, come up here.

Whoa, whoa. All right !

[ Giggling ] Go on. Tell a joke.

[ Boisterous Laughter ]

Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Oh.

Okay, now I'll tell a story. Okay, uh, uh--

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

- [ Whispering ] How many ? - I don't know. How many ?

It only-- Okay. It only takes one,

but it takes a long time...

and the lightbulb has to want to change.

[ Scattered Laughter ]

[ Boisterous Laughter ]

Hey, wasn't she great ? Come on ! Yeah !

Wasn't she great ? Hey, come on. Let's give her a hand.

All right, Grandma ! Yea !

That was great !

Was that funny ? Was I funny, Daddy ? Was I funny ?

You tell a joke now. You want him to tell a joke ?

All right ! Come on ! Tell a joke, man.

All right, you tell a joke, man. Go on. Get up there.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, hey, you. See those two guys over there ?

I need you to kill them for me ! They had me put in jail today.

Those guys right there on stage. Sorry. I can't leave the door.

Hey, thanks !

Hey, you !

I've, I've never, uh, like, been on stage before.

I hope I don't fuck up. [ Laughter ]

Okay, I wanna do some magic, man.

Uh, let's see. How does this go ? Oh, yeah.

Okay, what is this ? A napkin !

Hey.

And what is this ? A glass.

Okay. I'm gonna turn this glass into a dick.

[ Laughter, Applause ]

[ Candy ] I wish I could do that.

See ? Huh ?

See ?

Quite a peach, huh ?

Stop the show !

Stop the show ! That's the guy right there. Kill him.

[ Crowd Hooting ]

Get him, Thumbelina !

[ Crowd Whooping ]

[ Glass Cracking ]

[ Crowd Gasping ]

Do you belong here, buddy ?

Damn, now that's a woman, boy. I could keep warm all winter with that one.

Let me go, you big macho woman ! Let me go ! Let me go !

Hey, take me. I love you. You're gonna love me, all right.

All right. Just let me get on top, okay ? [ Screams ]

[ Crowd Shouting, Laughing ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Crowd Shouting ]

♪ [ Piano Starts In ]

Whoo !

♪ You've gotta have friends ♪

♪ [ Singing Continues ]

♪ [ Piano Continues ]

♪ You've got to have friends ♪

♪ You've got to have-- ♪

[ Woman ] I wanted to have fun and you guys--

Goddamn. Hey, I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

You gotta watch out for that.

Oh, hello, honey. [ Laughing ]

It's all yours. Take good care of it, buddy.

[ Crowd Continues Shouting ] ♪ [ Piano Continues ]

- Holy sheep shit ! - [ Woman Yelling ]

All right ! Goddamn ! Look at this shit.

[ Yelling Continues ]

[ Revving Engine ]

Hey ! Hey, man, come on. Some guy gave me a car. Come on in.

I left the weed. Oh, forget the weed. Get in the car.

I love coming into the city. Can you believe it, man ?

This guy comes up and gives me a car, man.

And then he comes back and gives me 20 bucks. Holy sheep shit. Only in America.

Hey, man, we gotta go back, man.

What ? What do you wanna go back for ? [ Gears Grinding ]

Hey, man, I left that bag of weed back there. We can always get more weed.

I'm used to drivin' a pickup, man. This is-- [ Gears Grinding ]

That's 20 pounds of buds, man.

Man, we can always get some more smoke, but look at this car, man.

Hey, man, let's go back and get the weed, okay ?

Do you want some more weed ? Yeah.

All right, hold on. [ Screaming ]

You hear about the guy who had French asthma ?

He could only catch his breath in "snatches." [ Laughing ]

Do you get it ? [ Laughter Continues ]

Hey, how do you get this thing out of first ? [ Gears Grinding ]

Grind it till it fits.

[ Man On TV ] Stay tuned as Wambaugh's Angels try to find the killer...

at the Miss Nude America Contest.

But first, this word from our sponsor. Hemorrhoid sufferers--

[ Channel Changes ]

[ Slurps ]

♪ [ Slow Jazz ]

♪ [ Up-Tempo Jazz ]

Hey, mama, what's happening ?

Ooh, I need you. Ooh.

Hey, you're a real cutie, baby. I want you right now.

Mmm. Hey, you're even on this side too.

Oooh.

Hey, baby, I'll lick you all over for a dime. Go.

Ooh-- [ Growling ] [ Gasps ]

[ Screaming ]

Mmm. Ohh.

Ta-da.

[ Chuckles, Muttering ]

[ Moaning Passionately ]

Cheeto, it's Donna.

Stop that right now !

You can't do those freaky things ! What are you doing ?

I'll call the vice squad, the League of Decency-- Get outta here !

Get outta here ! [ Knocking ]

[ Donna ] Cheech, it's Donna. Get outta here ! Get lost !

What are you doing here ? Get outta here !

Go on, get ! Beat it !

I said get lost, you dumb fuck ! [ Gasps ]

Ooo-ooo ! [ Grunts ] [ Shouting ]

¡ Ay, cavron ! I paid $39 for this dress.

Go on ! Get outta here ! Get outta here, Donna !

[ Trumpeting ]

[ Laughing ] You get it ?

Hey, man, how far do we got to go ? Oh, we're almost there, man.

Here, here, I got another one for you.

You know why a Baptist don't make love standin' up ?

'Cause they don't want nobody to think they're dancin'.

[ Laughing ] Do you get it ?

[ Stammering ] You know why them low riders have them tiny steering wheels ?

It's the only way you can drive with handcuffs on.

[ Boisterous Laughter ]

You get it ?

Holy sheep shit.

Oh, shit ! [ Siren Wailing ]

The cops are behind us.

Hey, let's lose 'em, man. [ Engine Accelerating ]

Whoa, shit ! Whoa ! This thing hauls, man.

[ Engine Shuts Off ]

[ Engine Grinding ]

Hey, we lost 'em, man ! All right.

All right. Oh, shit, that was too easy, man.

Let's let 'em catch up again.

[ Engine Starting ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

There they are, man ! Okay. Let's let 'em get close.

Uh-huh. All right, here we go ! [ Laughing ]

Oh, yeah, we're gonna pull over.

Man, let's lose 'em ! All right, hold on.

Hey, slow down, man ! We're off the road ! We're off the road, man ! Stop !

Hey, there ain't no roads out here, man. You make your own.

[ Chuckles ] Hey, let's make one over there.

Jesus H. Christ ! Holy camel shit !

Thompkins, get this thing started.

[ Gears Grinding ] [ Chong ] Hey, where are we, man ?

We're home, that's where we are. This is one of my fields.

Oh, wow, look at all the weed ! This is nothin', man.

This is just a deer field. Wait till you see the really good stuff.

Holy sheep shit.

[ Engine Grinding ] Oh, Jesus Christ.

Goddamn 'em, those fuckin' hippy morons !

Reverse ! Son of a bitch. Reverse !

[ Chuckling ]

Hey, watch, this is gonna be fun.

I got the whole field booby trapped.

Hey, watch this. This is--

[ Explosions ]

[ High-Pitched Laugh ]

♪ And the rockets red glare ♪

♪ The bombs bursting-- ♪ Whoo ! Whoo.

Oh, shit, I love it !

[ Chong ] Look at the chickens. Where did the chickens come from ?

[ Cheech Muttering, Laughing ]

Oh-ho, goddamn.

Mayday ! Mayday ! We're under attack !

Gimme that microphone.

I used to scare off the deer, but this is better.

This is car 4-13. We're north of the Chase Farm. We're out here--

Whoa !

[ Boisterous Laughter ]

We're under attack ! Something crazy's goin' on ! Everything's going crazy here !

Ten-ninety-nine ! Ten-ninety-nine !

Oh, goddamn. Boy, they think they're being invaded...

by somebody from Mars or somethin'.

The last time I went down, I got all these fireworks !

I was waitin' for something to set it off. [ Rumbling ]

Whoa. Wow, what's that one ?

How'd you do that ? I didn't-- I didn't do that.

I didn't have nothin' to do with that. Look !

What ? Look !

[ Whirring ] [ Cheech ] Goddamn.

Wow. Wait a minute.

What do you mean, "wait a minute" ? Oh, shit !

Wow !

Ooh, look at that ! There's another one.

Whoa, look, man ! Look !

What is that ? I-I didn't have nothin' to do with it, man.

I didn't plan none of this shit.

[ Whirring Continues ]

Oh, shit. What is this, man ?

Goddamn, I didn't have nothin' to do with this shit.

Look at that. Hey, don't put your hand in there, man.

Goddamn, look at that.

[ Chong ] What's happenin' ? Oh, God !

Shit, they're gettin' bigger.

Oh, man, look at all this. Sheep shit.

[ Blast Hums ]

♪ [ Tribal Drums ]

♪ [ Choir Singing ]

♪ [ Singing Continues ]

♪ [ Singing Continues ]

♪ [ Drums Continue ]

♪ [ Singing Continues ]

[ Whistling ]

[ Inhales Deeply ]

♪ [ Drums Continue ]

Say "ah."

[ Chong ] Hey, Cheech ! [ Echoing ]

What-- Uh, uh, uh, he left about an hour ago, man. He'll be right out.

Cheech ! [ Stammering ] I-I-I wasn't doing nothing, man.

She was there. I slipped. [ Mumbling ]

This thing fell off, man. [ Gong Ringing ]

Hey, Cheech !

See, she's dead, anyway.

Hey, Cheech !

What-- No, no, I didn't see nothin', man ! Cheech !

What ? Cheech.

No ! Hey, Cheech.

- What ? - Hey, wake up, man. What's wrong with you ?

Ohh. Oh, shit, it's you.

Hey, you should've been with me last night. You won't believe what happened.

Aw-- Hey, man, I was on a U.F.O. ! I really was.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, your cousin and I, man, he had a bagful of dope.

We met all these chicks, went to a massage parlor and we went on a spaceship.

We were in a wheat field. We got sucked up by a spaceship.

And they give us some space coke. Man, look at it.

This is space coke. You've never tasted this before, man.

Hey, try this, man. Try it. It'll blow your head off. [ Snorting ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Roaring ]

[ Grunting, Screams ]

[ Roaring ]

[ Loud Clattering ]

[ Roaring Continues ]

[ Objects Smashing ]

[ Roaring Continues ]

[ Wind Gusting ]

[ Engine Starting ]

[ Engine Revving ]

♪ [ Rock 'N' Roll ]

Closed-Captioned By Captions, Inc. Los Angeles

[ Crowd Cheering ]

♪ [ Continues ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

♪ [ Continues ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

♪ [ Fades ]