Original subtitles

Day 6,593 of parenthood.

Odd-numbered day. You get first pick.

I'll take Anna-Kat.

Okay, I'll check in on Taylor.

Can you take Oliver? Uhp! You know the rule --

when you pick first, you also have to take Oliver.

Whoever said kids grow up fast is an idiot.

They grow up slow, Greg.

Real slow.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

Oh, buenas noches, Mrs. Otto.

Cooper. You have 10 houses.

Get out of mine.

We're actually having an important conversation.

Is this conversation trying to get me

to buy you that Gucci belt?

Because I'm running out of curse words to put before "no."

No, actually,

we're talking about that troubled kid

who called in to Teen Help Line.

We've got an idea who it is.

He said everyone thinks he's Superman.

Well, this kid Trevor's always wearing a Superman T-shirt.

Shocker -- he doesn't have any friends.

So, we're going to befriend him.

I'm actually proud of you.

I'm proud of us, too, Mom.

Ugh.

Does that mean you'll buy me that belt?

[Bleep] you and the horse you rode in on, you [bleep]

No!

Oh. She found a new one.

♪♪

Friendly reminder to complete your life-skills list.

If you don't finish it, you don't go to prom.

I did the important ones.

I changed the windshield-wiper fluid,

and I switched around fruit stickers at the grocery store.

I got a Honeycrisp for the price of a Granny Smith.

That one was clearly your mother's.

Plus, I sent my application in to Carnegie Mellon,

and I did my audition tape.

I even noticed I spelled "Carnegie" wrong,

and then I fixed it.

Then I noticed I spelled "Mellon" wrong,

and then I fixed that.

And then I saw I spelled "Carnegie" wrong

in a different way, and then I fixed that.

[ Chuckling ] I'm doing great.

Have you prepared for your alumni interview?

Dude, that's like a month away!

And yes, I'm all ready for it. You mean you --

Yes! Whatever you're about to say, I did it! I did everything!

Okay! Stop yelling at me!

Stop making me yell at you!

Do all your friends yell at their fathers?

You're getting off easy.

Olivia Andal slaps her dad in public.

♪♪

Time to get to bed.

First, I need you to sign a permission slip really quick.

What's it for?

And why are you showing it to me

like Taylor shows me her report card?

My new friends invited me to join their scout troop,

The Wildflower Girls.

That sounds great.

Wait. Do you promise?

Say it. Say you promise.

Fine. I promise.

Anna-Kat!

Sage, Nancy, and Tara Summers are the troop leaders.

You know I can't stand them.

Well, what difference does it make?

You're not in the troop. I am.

Because those terrible moms and their daughters

are bound to be a bad influence on you.

Plus, they're going to e-mail me and want me to volunteer,

and I get migraines if I have to fake smile too long.

Unh-unh. Remember?

You promised.

A mother's promise means nothing.

Good night.

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

[ Both sigh ]

Taylor's upset with me.

Anna-Kat's upset with me.

How's Oliver? Regular terrible.

Hmm.

Other than the Mother's Day gifts

they force them to make me at school,

I'm not sure what I'm getting out of all this.

♪♪

♪♪

I'm feeling guilty about not letting Anna-Kat

sign up for Wildflower Girls.

At what age can I stop putting my kids first?

Right when they can talk.

If you can say "milk," you can get it yourself.

My kids always come first.

Do I miss having the master bedroom? Sure.

But they wanted a climbing wall. Who am I to say no?

Uh, their mother.

You're making your kids soft.

They'd never survive in the wild.

My kids are not going to be in the wild.

You don't know that. People end up in the wild.

Can you guys shut up? I'm trying to work something out.

I think you should let Anna-Kat join.

Kids are only young for so long, and life is hard enough.

Give them what they want.

Electronics, video games, candy.

Make it rain.

Don't listen to her, Katie. You can't give kids everything.

'Cause in the wild, there's nothing.

Sorry, Doris, Angela might be right.

[ Gasps ] Oh.

You mean you're actually gonna take my suggestion

over hers for once?

Mm-hmm. Oh.

Excuse me.

[ Clears throat, chuckles ]

I win! I win!

I win! I win!

You know that point in life

where you think you've outgrown your friends?

This is it.

[ Chuckles ] Take that.

♪♪

Look at that kid.

Gucci belt. His life must be great.

A Gucci belt doesn't make you happy.

A limited-edition one worn by Bradley Cooper at the Oscars.

Now, that's happiness.

I can't believe my parents won't buy me one.

They say I can't wear anything on my body over 500 bucks

unless it's braces.

Oh, there he is.

Don't mention Teen Help Line.

Or that he wants to say adios to his vida.

Hey there, Superman. What's the haps in Metropolis?

Uh, what's going on?

Nothing, muchacho.

We just thought maybe we should all hang out.

You guys want to hang out with me?

I know. Isn't that great?

No. It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Look, guys, it's a Wednesday, alright?

A new comic book just dropped, so take a hike.

But we're gonna be your friends.

I don't want to be friends with you morons.

You've got a stupid face.

And you just generally suck.

I guess we're just gonna have to try harder tomorrow.

Let's not be hasty.

Maybe we should let nature take its course here.

♪♪

I can't believe Mom changed her mind

and is letting you be a Wildflower Girl.

She would've never done that for me.

Well, you didn't have the benefit

of a terrible older sister to make you look good.

Yeah.

Wait.

I just got off the phone with Carnegie Mellon.

There's an alumnus coming through Westport tomorrow,

and they wanted to move up your interview.

I said yes. Why would you move it up?

Because you're all prepared.

Plus, it's good to get in early.

And there's even better news --

your interview is with Brecken Phillips.

The Broadway guy? Yeah, he's an alum.

And your interview's in the afternoon.

Or, as they say in the theatre, a matinee.

Just so you know,

people outside this house think I'm entertaining.

So, you're not ready at all, huh?

No. I just told Dad I was to get him off my back.

What am I gonna do?

You're just gonna have to cram for it.

You're right.

If I can get through all of "Harry Potter"

in a weekend, I can do this.

You read all of "Harry Potter" in one weekend?

It's a book?

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

Girls: Anna-Kat's here!

Katie, it's so great that Anna-Kat's joining the troop.

Yes, you must be so relieved

she'll finally have some positive female role models.

Mm. Don't feel obligated to stay.

No, I'll be here.

Okay, Wildflower Girls,

let me see those wildflower smiles.

[ Camera clicks ]

Ah.

The girls are learning to make egg parachutes

so they can earn their aeronautics badges.

Now, you already have your parachute attached to your egg.

Now let's launch them and watch them float down safely.

Three, two, one.

Liftoff!

Yay!

Great job, you guys. Really good.

Hortensia, clean up!

Okay, so badge time.

Badge time?

All of the eggs broke.

Aren't you going to make them try it until it works?

Why would we?

To teach them about a job well done.

Ew.

We always hand out badges, no matter what.

Thank you.

[ Chuckles ]

And this is for you, little lady.

[ Chuckles ] Thank you!

Anna-Kat didn't earn any of those badges.

Oh, relax, Katie.

It looks better for the pictures if all the girls match.

And what kind of life lesson is that?

Uh, a perfect one.

Alright, ladies.

Smile like you'll never have to worry about money.

[ Chuckles ]

Hortensia, snap-snap.

[ Camera clicks ]

I'm gonna pick out some shoes that go with my new sash.

[ Giggles ]

[ Sighs ]

Greg, what are you doing?

Uh, reorganizing the junk drawer.

Ugh.

[ Clatter ]

We've got bigger problems around here.

They give Anna-Kat's troop badges for doing nothing.

I had $20 in dimes stacked up right here.

I can't pull her out because I promised

she could be a part of it.

But... Here we go.

...I am going to host the next meeting

and teach the girls how to make lasagna.

Suspiciously wholesome.

And I'll tell the girls to take off their sashes

so they don't get messy

and then stuff them in the garbage disposal

and grind 'em up.

There's my girl!

Wouldn't it be more inspirational for Anna-Kat

if you actually teach the girls to cook

and make them earn their cooking badge?

Mm-hmm. Probably the way to go.

It's good that we workshop these things.

Hey. [ Drawer opens ]

Can we get rid of these phone chargers?

One day, the PalmPilot is coming back.

And when it does,

you bet your ass Katie Otto's gonna be ready.

Back in the drawer.

♪♪

What do you think?

I took the laces out of my Converse.

That's cool, right?

Not now, Anna-Kat.

I'm trying to memorize facts about Carnegie Mellon.

Did you know there's no such thing as a Carnegie melon?

I know I told you to cram,

but turns out you don't have to work that hard.

What are you talking about?

At my Wildflower Girls meeting,

they taught me all you need to do is show up, smile,

and the world will deliver.

You're a good smiler.

[ Chuckles ] I am a good smiler.

There you go.

The bee comes to the wildflower.

Not the other way around.

So, I'm the bee.

That makes a lot of sense.

No, you're the wildflower.

I'll be honest, I didn't even get it when I was the bee.

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

I don't know about this.

Trevor wasn't into it last time.

He was just pushing us away

because he has difficulty managing his feelings.

Textbook depression.

It's up to us to follow through.

It could save his life.

If you say so.

Hey, man.

Can't you losers get your own lives?

We're just letting you know you're not alone.

Yeah, because you two idiots keep showing up.

Zuckerberg, Gates, Jobs.

What do they all have in common?

I've been all of them for Halloween?

No, they were all reclusive nerds when they were young

and became titans of industry.

I'm harnessing my disdain for everyone at this crappy school

and using it to fuel my success later in life.

Later in life?

But you called Teen Help Line. I talked to you.

I don't even know what Teen Help Line is.

Now, why don't you make like

lesser-known original Justice League character

Martian Manhunter

and disappear?

I could've sworn it was him, but maybe I was wrong.

Boy: Hey, Justice League, watch out!

[ Laughter ] Hey!

Dude, hide behind my cape!

♪♪

Wait! What about my jacket?!

Leave it, leave it!

Leave it!

Katie: Okay, Wildflower Girls,

the trick to making the perfect lasagna is layering.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Let's pay attention.

It goes pasta, meat sauce, cheese, repeat.

Do it with me.

Look, a lion's friends with a duck.

Aww! Aww! Aww! Aww!

Hello? Who wants their cooking badge?

I do.

Hortensia?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Groans ] [ Cellphone rings ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Angela, where are you? You said you were gonna help me.

Ugh, I had to go to the school.

They accused Sebastian of plagiarizing

just because he copied an article he found online.

Unh-unh. I'm going to give that teacher a piece of my mind.

So, you're mad at the teacher and not at your son who cheated?

What kind of message does that send to him?

That Mommy's little baby does no wrong. Pfft.

Oh, no. I listened to the wrong friend.

Can we get our badges now?

No. You can't.

The only person getting a badge is Hortensia,

because she actually did the work.

What?! Mom!

I don't like not getting what I want.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

I hate you, Hortensia.

When I close my eyes, the entire world disappears,

and I am a bird.

Fly, Hortensia.

Fly.

♪♪

I am happy to represent Carnegie Mellon

because it gave me the confidence and skills

to do everything from Stanley Kowalski

to the voice of bleach-free surface cleaner.

Oh, oh!

[ Cockney accent ] Stains, get outta here!

[ Normal voice ] That was you?

[ Giggles ] Yeah.

So, I-I got to tell you,

the -- the music department was -- was a big fan

of your audition tape, and so was I.

Cool.

Alright, so, uh, why do you think

Carnegie Mellon is the right school for you?

Because of the music program.

And what aspects of our music program?

All of them?

Are -- Are -- Are you asking me, or...?

No...?

Okay, alright. Never mind.

Um, so, where do you see yourself in 10 years?

At Carnegie Mellon.

Okay, we're a four-year program, so...

And a great one. [ Chuckles ]

Yes. Um...

Is there anything else you'd like to add?

Uh, what you can bring to -- to Carnegie?

Like a pillow and comforter and stuff?

No. Like your philosophy.

Oh! I have one of those.

Um, I'm gonna show up, smile,

and the world will deliver.

[ Sighs ] The people who made this form

really didn't plan for someone like you.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

What is going on here?

We all got 911 texts from our daughters.

Anna-Kat's mom won't give us our badges.

Katie, give the girls their badges.

They did nothing but fool around.

It's okay. You're new here.

Just hand them over, and we'll forgive you.

What kind of world do we live in

where you're so afraid of disappointing your children?

If they misbehave or don't listen,

they shouldn't be rewarded for it.

I don't follow you. Are you well?

It's never the child's fault nowadays.

It's always the teacher or the coach or --

It's fine. You just tell me when to stop.

No!

This is bigger than money.

Just... give me the badges!

[ Grunting ]

That's right. Take it.

Come on. Use your muscles.

[ Grunts ]

Damn you and your poor-person strength!

Mom, you're embarrassing me!

Come on, girls. We're taking you home.

[ Indistinct talking ]

Katie, if you don't give the girls

their cooking badges at the next meeting,

Anna-Kat is out of the troop.

[ Gasps ]

Yeah, you better go,

because I'm about to earn my face-slapping badge!

[ Door closes ]

I can't believe you embarrassed me like that.

[ Sighs ]

You know what?

I'm eating your hidden stash of 100 Grand bars.

Hey! That's my plant candy!

Stop. Come here.

Sit down.

I know that you're mad, but you're a big girl now,

so I'm going to explain to you why I don't like this troop.

And then I'm going to let you decide

what you think that I should do.

Fair?

Fair.

[ Inhales deeply ]

It is a bad lesson to teach young girls

that you get something for nothing.

Because outside of a town like this,

you do nothing, you get nothing.

You girls are smarter, stronger, and better than that.

Do you understand?

I do.

I understand that I want you to give my friends their badges

and stop embarrassing me.

Hey, where'd they go?

Does everyone know?

Seriously, Katie, there was a lot of candy here

three days ago.

♪♪

Well, it was, uh, nice meeting you, and, uh,

the admissions department will be in touch soon.

[ Chuckling ] Okay.

Oh, perfect!

I just wasted my afternoon, and now I got to call AAA.

I meant..."wasted" in a... different way than you think.

Oh.

I can change it for you.

[ Chuckles ] You know how to change a tire?

Yeah. Pop the trunk.

Put on the parking brake.

Alright.

[ Click ]

Uh, don't you still need the jack?

You loosen the lug nuts first so the tire doesn't spin.

Is this a "Parent Trap" situation?

Did the more pragmatic twin tag in

while I was in the bathroom?

No. [ Chuckles ]

Changing a tire was on my list.

Your list?

I'm working on a life-skills list before I go to college.

Really?

Yeah, you know... [ Grunts ]

...things like how to change a tire,

how balance a checkbook, how to unclog a toilet.

Do you know flushable wipes aren't really flushable?

[ Chuckles ] I did not.

Uh, you know, Taylor, I-I got to confess,

my impression of you wasn't stellar.

Oh.

You came off as kind of a one-dimensional person,

but I think I had you pegged wrong.

I'd like to hear more about this list -- and you.

You know, how would you like to do this interview over again?

That'd be great.

[ Clank ] Uh, no, no. Tire first.

[ Both chuckle ]

I'd help, but I'm a hand double for Shrek.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

[ Sighs ] It wasn't Trevor, so what do we do now?

Let's just forget about it. You've done everything you can.

Oh, and don't worry about the incident in the cafeteria.

My PR guy's already on it.

He had to move a few things around, but this week,

Derek Jeter's gonna sit with us at lunch.

Hey, Superman! Think fast!

Ooh, nice grab! Alright, I'll see you at practice.

Oh, my God.

Cooper: Is Will Hansen Superman?

That's the voice on the phone.

Why would he want to end his life?

He's got the sneakers, the belt, and the watch.

He's rocking full Gucch.

If that's not happiness, I don't know what is.

Happiness is actually Gucci sneakers worn by --

Please stop.

...Matt Damon.

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

You guys, I almost blew my Carnegie Mellon interview,

but then Brecken Phillips got a flat tire,

and I changed it for him.

He was super impressed.

Since when do you know how to change a tire?

It's on that stupid life-skills list

Mom and Dad are forcing her to do.

But that stupid life-skills list

got me one step closer to Carnegie Mellon.

They're super annoying, but maybe Mom and Dad

might actually know what they're talking about.

Huh. They're always telling me money doesn't buy happiness.

I thought that was just poor talk,

but now I kind of get it.

Are you two saying that Mom and Dad are sometimes right?

Yeah.

Huh.

I've got to process this over a Baby Ruth.

♪♪

♪♪

Katie!

I hope you brought something for the kids.

I did.

Tara: We're so glad.

We like having Anna-Kat in the troop.

Be a shame if her mother blew it for her.

Come on up, girls, and get your badges.

Yeah! Yay! [ Giggles ]

♪♪

I don't want this badge.

I didn't earn it.

None of us did.

If you want something, you have to work for it.

Because in the real world,

you don't just get everything handed to you.

I mean, what if your parents

decide to squander your trust funds

or you want to marry for love?

[ All gasp ]

It happens, ladies.

And what are you gonna do then?

We are smarter, stronger, and better than that.

I'm not trained in CPR!

Window shopping shouldn't earn me a hiking badge.

I did not successfully breed a chinchilla.

Ya sabía cocinar lasaña.

From now on, we don't get badges unless we earn them.

Right, Wildflower Girls?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Badges!

We don't need no stinking badges!

What do you think you're doing?!

This is madness!

How much is it gonna take for you to put those sashes back on?

Hmm?

So, you listened to me?

No.

I listened to Taylor and Oliver,

who then told me to listen to you.

And your father said trickle-down parenting

wouldn't work.

♪♪

Day 6,596 of parenthood.

Even-numbered day. I get to pick first, and I choose Oliver.

No! I want Oliver.

Sorry.

It's a crazy turn of events in three days.

Mm.

[ Door opens ]

I have something for you.

It's an integrity badge.

Because you earned it.

Thanks, Mom.

Not so fast.

I don't care about the Baby Ruths so much,

but where are my 100 Grand bars?

You have 10 seconds.

♪♪