Original subtitles

So, I hear that you've upgraded,

and now you have all the normal, regular features

that I have had for years.

Yep, we're nothing but windows of opportunity.

And although it may not be PC to say so,

I like to think that we've finally...

fixed all the bugs.

Gesundheit.

Excuse me. That's not a virus. That's not a virus.

I am sure that it's not a virus.

Although, to be fair, I have no idea

because I have never had a virus.

- So... - Why do you have to be

such a condescending douche bag?

Um, I--

I, I, I. It's "I" this and "I" that.

Boop.

Maybe it is time we stopped talking about "I" all the time,

and windows of opportunity.

Anybody else remember when people were smart

and phones were stupid?

This fall, Pi is gonna launch a new phone

that'll change things forever.

We're ready to bring you what you wanted

yesterday for tomorrow today.

Pi. Smart phones for smarter people.

Do you really want to say "douche bag" in the ad?

I don't say "douche bag."

The guy in the cheap suit says "douche bag."

Betty, any calls?

Bono wants to know if you're still good

for the trip to Africa.

Tell him I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

The Dalai Lama.

Are you still on for meditation this afternoon?

Advise him to still his mind. The answer lies within.

The president is asking,

can we move the meeting to the White House this weekend?

Yes, perfect. Mosquitoes at Camp David are a bitch.

Terrible.

Bill Gates sent an email

that simply reads, "Cheeky."

Fair enough.

Tell him I want my 20 bucks.

Sarah Russell called

about your 20-year high school reunion tonight.

Wait, wait, wait. Twenty-year what now?

Twenty-year reunion. This is great.

We'll show everyone we're not losers anymore.

Greg, we were never losers.

Uh, yeah, we were.

But that doesn't matter now, right?

Oh, I get it.

Look, it's nothing to be nervous about.

It could be a lot of fun, you know?

Nervous? Why would I be nervous

about people we haven't seen in 20 years?

Guys?

No! No!

Do you want me to call and cancel?

Uh, yes, please. Tell them I'm sick.

Come on, you used that one for the ten year.

Betty, what did Sarah want about the reunion?

Why was she calling?

I believe she wanted to let Adam know

that Darcie Williams was asking if he was going to be there.

Darcie Williams?

Yes, Darcie Williams.

I love her.

High school: where self-esteem,

innocence, and dreams go to die.

The insufferable purgatory of being too old to be a kid,

too young to be an adult.

The entire concept of placing all of those

going through their awkward, formative years of puberty

into one giant institution of self-doubt,

forced pseudo-social structure, and anxiety,

it's a cruel and unusual punishment.

Even worse, this bizarre ritual of needing to get together

every couple of years as a reminder

of these traumatizing times.

It's a blast from the past.

Borders on insanity.

When I was nine years old, I got really sick.

I spent six weeks in the hospital

and had my entire large intestine taken out.

It was one of the most traumatic events in my entire life.

And yet I've never felt the urge to get together

with the other nurses, patients, or doctors

and reminisce about the good old days.

I hated high school.

High school hated me.

In the immortal words of Mr. Stephen King,

"I hated high school.

I don't trust anyone who looks back on

the years of 14 to 18 with any enjoyment.

If you liked being a teenager,

there's definitely something wrong with you."

- Mr. Pi. - Hey, Happy.

Betty, I'm gonna render the graphics

for the latest beta version of the OS from the car.

Uh, Betty, isolate the signal and encrypt the data, please.

You know, this is the most revolutionary launch

- since the touchscreen. - Yeah, so let's protect it.

Okay.

What is it about these people that make me so nervous?

I'm tongue-tied already.

Just remember these key words-- "Let's party."

Come on, this is our night.

- Is that a new shirt? - Yeah, cool shirt, right?

Just think, we're gonna get to see Andy and Dennis again.

Yeah, and John Vernon, Trevor Jackson.

They've probably matured by now, right?

Excuse me, will you settle a bet for me and my friends?

Does this feel like boyfriend material to you?

- Ew. - Are you a lesbian?

Because I can just talk and we can scissor.

Back off, date rape.

Didn't you, like, date my mom 100 years ago or something?

I'm not that old.

No, seriously. You dated my mom.

Aren't you guys going to your reunion later tonight?

Darcie Williams?

Yeah.

She's my mom.

I'm 17, you pedophile.

She was showing me pictures of her class earlier,

from when you two were dating.

I think you might be wearing the exact same shirt.

Oh, my God.

Can we get some drinks over here?

We don't have to stay for the whole thing, right?

Come on, it's gonna be different this time.

We're all grown up.

Tonight is gonna be awesome.

- Hey, guys! - Andy, Dennis!

- Oh! - Nice.

So glad you guys are here.

Yeah, we weren't gonna come because, you know...

Everyone hated us.

But, uh, who knows? Maybe it'll be fun.

Uh, so, what've you guys been up to?

I work a few nights a week at Game Land.

I test games on the weekends.

Sweet, programming, design?

No, no, no, I just test them, like, for fun, right?

At my house.

So, you don't have a job?

- I know, sweet, right? - Yeah.

Weren't you guys doing it like that in the 12th grade?

I guess we hit that jackpot early.

Ooh, but you guys got your whole billionaire empire thing.

That's gotta be cool, though, too, yeah?

- Wanna bail and play Warcrack? - Absolutely.

No, guys.

Come on, gentlemen.

Tonight is gonna be epic, right?

Right?

Follow me.

- All right. - Whoo!

Ha!

Pfft.

Hi.

Steve Probyn.

Sarah's looking for ya.

She's on the stage and she looks pissed.

Go easy on that tonight, okay?

That's okay, my parents are driving me home.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello!

Hi.

For those of you who don't remember,

my name is Sarah Russell.

Welcome, class of 1997,

to our 20-year high school reunion.

- Just one second. - You suck!

Twenty years.

Twenty years.

Wow.

We started high school in 1994,

the year that Kurt Cobain died and Justin Bieber was born.

Whoo!

We started high school before texting.

And not just before smartphones, before cell phones.

How crazy is that?

And speaking of cell phones and the Internet,

I'm sure you don't want to hear

from your runner-up valedictorian.

Not at all.

He needs no introduction.

Your... valedictorian,

Mr. Adam Pi.

Ow. Thanks, Sarah.

Hey, class.

I'm not really sure what to say.

Um, man,

could you imagine how amazing high school would be

if we knew then what we know now?

I knew I had a big hammer back then

and I still know it now.

Thank you, Adam, for that very well-prepared speech.

So, let's raise a--

I don't have a glass.

Give me your glass. Give me your glass!

Let's raise a glass to the class of 1997.

Let's party like we're 37-teen.

Let's go.

I can't believe you roped me into this.

I told you, you shoulda just said, "Let's party."

D-dudes.

I'm pretty sure she likes my shirt.

She's been looking at my shirt all night.

She's mine.

Look at that, you twat-dodgers.

I haven't aged a bit.

I got bad news for you, man.

You looked old in high school, you look ancient now.

Suck a dick, Jeff. I look fucking great.

Tonight I'm the handsome genius

who never achieved his full potential.

Yeah, you're just like Good Will Hunting,

except you never got the girl and you're a complete failure.

I'm a fucking genius.

I'm the only one out of this group who passed math. Honors 2.

You know, the only reason why I still work with you jerks

is I'm waiting for one of you guys

to give me the Affleck speech that you'll kill me

if I haven't moved away and achieved my full potential.

No one's giving you that speech, pal.

Hey, Jeff, remember the last time you fucked your sister?

Jesus Christ, she wasn't my sister.

- Did your dad marry her mom? - Yes.

And your parents had another kid,

so your brother and her brother are the exact same dude.

- Yeah. - Then you, my friend,

- are a sister-fucker. - Mm-hmm.

You are a fucker of the sister.

My dad met her mom after Danielle and I started dating.

- And... - And then we broke up

- after they got married. - Did you have sex with her

while your parents were together?

- Once. - Sister-fucker.

Was that Danielle?

- Yeah. - Yup.

She's probably looking for her brother.

- Ew. - Creepy.

No, no.

Okay, I hate this. Officially hate this.

I'm not-- I'm not gonna stay for the whole thing.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact that this feels like

my, "Hey, Amy, you turned into a huge loser" party.

You look amazing.

You make a good living. You have a great life.

Okay, Claire, I starred in every single play

in high school, okay?

Everyone expected me to be the famous one.

Remember when I was scouted by a top LA manager.

Yeah, you did background work

on a Steven Seagal movie that shot here

and his agent tried to screw you.

- Ooh. - Scouted? Bit of a stretch.

Tomato, tomahto. Also, you're a bitch.

Tell me, do you or do you not think that everyone

expected me to be the famous one from our class?

Okay, fuck off.

Hey, okay, look, look, just stand beside me.

No one will even notice you.

Well, I think that we're all doing something different

than we thought we'd be doing in high school.

I sell insurance.

I'm lame. I actually suck.

This is gonna be an entire night

of "What in sweet hell happened to her?"

Is it me or is, like, everyone in our class

starting to look old?

I don't know. Adam Pi looks pretty good.

You know what they say about a man

with a big bank account.

- You sound like a hooker. - I've been called worse.

Remember this shithead? Fucking Pi.

I can't believe he makes more money in one year

than we will in our lifetimes combined.

Who woulda thought computers woulda caught on?

I know, what an idiot, right?

Right? I mean, yeah, he's a millionaire now,

but at what cost?

The only thing he fucked in high school was his hand,

and I heard it didn't even go past second base.

Billionaire.

He's now a multi-billionaire,

and you would be surprised at what this hand

let me do to her in high school.

A complete slut. She had like no self-respect.

It's okay. That was a long time ago.

I'd be upset if any of it wasn't true.

Let me buy you guys a drink.

Uh, we should buy you a drink

'cause we were complete assholes.

I personally blame the sister-fucker.

Really lowers the bar for this group.

Hey, guys, I just pissed all over the toilet paper.

What if someone's gotta go, dude?

Yeah, let's hope.

Is it possible that guy hasn't even left high school?

I feel like I had this conversation 20 years ago.

What a piece of shit.

What in the fuck?

I'm-- I'm sorry, I-- I--

Why don't you watch where the hell you're going,

Shits-his-pantsky?

Hey how much for your pants?

- What's with the pants? - Uh...

I thought everybody was wearing '90s stuff.

So, what have you been up to, John?

I'm a cop.

Okay, so you're not

beating people up these days.

I'm required by law to be a little more selective

than I used to be.

Why don't I buy everybody a drink?

As a matter of fact, drinks are on me

for the rest of the night.

Yay, Adam.

Adam! Adam!

Here come more drinks.

This party's about to get lit.

Are you gonna live?

You can't flush the tub, sweetie.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

- What the hell? - What's going on? Where am I?

I just went to go to the bathroom.

I think I came back to the wrong room.

Easy. Everybody calm down.

This guy tried to rape me.

I did not try to rape anyone.

Why are you naked?

I'm not naked. Underwear. I have underwear.

What did you do to my fucking hamster?

Watch your mouth!

But what did you do to his fucking hamster?

Hey, sorry. I have no idea how I got in that room

or anything about the hamster or what he was--

Easy, Richard Gere.

Jenny found it. It was in his little brother's room.

Those your boys?

Step boys.

Step sons.

Had a good time last night, yeah?

Fuck, yeah.

I'd kill to do high school again.

I was in the zone last night.

Don't you think it's weird that we do high school

when we're 17 during total hormonal confusion?

Nobody was in the right frame of mind.

Nobody did high school like they wanted to.

Speak for yourself. I was the king in high school.

Chicks wanted to fuck me, dudes wanted to be me.

I wish I could do it again. I would do it so differently.

What if you could?

- Would you? - What do you mean?

What if we did high school all over again?

Like, what if we got all our teachers together,

everybody from our class, and we did it again,

but for, like, a month?

For starters, I got a mortgage to pay.

What if money was no issue?

What if I gave you the same amount of money

you'd make landscaping?

You're crazy, you know that?

What if I gave you one year's salary

for one month of your time?

One more month of high school?

Are you serious?

This is a great idea.

Bad idea. Last night was a bad idea.

That reunion, it sucked more than high school did.

Remember in 12th grade when you passed out

and Trevor drew a dick on your face?

You're right, that was worse.

Kinda the same.

No, he's right. That was way worse.

No, no, kinda the same.

Son of a bitch.

Fuck.

Wait, this is when you guys tell me?

Now, at breakfast?

Didn't want you to be uncomfortable.

His fault.

The entire grad class for one month?

What about teachers?

Yes, all of the old teachers, everyone from our class,

just like it was.

You're some sort of school board rep, yeah?

Deputy superintendent.

Okay, so, you can get clearance, draw up the legal paperwork.

One year's salary for one more month of high school.

It's your chance to be valedictorian.

Well, it should have been mine in the first place.

I had better grades, I was in way more activities,

I just--

What are the terms and conditions?

One more crack at doing the things

you'd have done then using what you know now.

- The ultimate do-over. - Uh-huh.

So, what do you say, Steve?

High school again? How much?

- Hello? - Hello?

- Hello? - What's up?

- What's up? - Whassap?

Back to what? Back to school?

That's right. Same classes, same teachers.

Is everyone gonna be there?

That goes over there.

Do we have to go every day?

One more chance to do high school

the way you wish you would've done it.

I'm a single mom. I don't have time to do homework.

Okay, okay, what you're saying is you invented time travel.

We're not actually time traveling.

What exists now still exists.

I can't just surgically redo my hymen, Adam.

It's ripped to shreds.

Everything will be pants on, so nobody will notice.

It it supposed to be, like, we're dating

who we were dating, too, or...?

Okay, but I'm not giving Steve Probyn a hand job again.

- Steve? - Yeah.

I'm gonna buy an old sports almanac...

- What, no-- - ...bet on some old games.

And I'm gonna be a gajillionaire.

Fuck, yeah! I'm in.

I'm in 110%.

- Boo-yah. - I'm in.

I'm going back to high school.

- Okay. - Yeah.

It's not a DeLorean and 1.21 "Jigawatts,"

but it is my chance to go back to the future.

I'm going back to school, Mom. Fuck you.

This is a bad idea.

It's a very bad idea.

You said the same thing about touchscreens.

Well, yeah, for people who use their phones

primarily for work. You know, email, texting.

There's no tactile feedback.

Is everything not inevitably shifting to voice command?

With devices moving from external to wearable,

or even internal modes of functionality.

Yes, and yes. We should get these guys jobs in R&D.

Adam, we've got a huge product launch coming up.

If we take a month off now to go back to school,

we're gonna be asking these guys for jobs.

What about your public image?

We'll get people to sign nondisclosure agreements.

Come on, isn't there one thing you wish you'd done differently?

Not shit myself?

Why is this so important to you?

I mean, you already have everything.

If you want Darcie Williams, you can do it now present day,

without going back to high school.

Front door.

Look, you said it yourself, I have everything.

But positive memories of high school, okay?

I just want to put the "cool" in "high school," just once.

Andy and Dennis are in.

I promised myself when I was little

I would lose my virginity in high school.

I will not fail.

Virginity doesn't grow back, Andy.

Once you lose it, you lose it.

Oh, Andy.

Your guests have arrived.

Well, gentlemen, let's start rewriting history.

So, the agency made everything clear.

You want us to watch you play video games.

And cheer you on enthusiastically.

Touching's okay, but no sex.

With each other is okay.

No, no sex.

We just want you to appreciate our beast mode skills.

But you know that the price is the same

whether or not you have sex with us, right?

Just as requested, please.

I know, it's weird. Less judgy eyes.

We came up with this when we were 14.

Are you guys sure this is okay?

Oh, yeah, this is actually way sexier.

Totally.

I could seriously crush some noodles right now.

Marry me.

So, are you in?

Do we have to date the same girls we dated in high school?

Get to, have to, want to. What's the difference?

You guys know this is pathetic, right?

This is so desperate.

Your dad seems to think that it's--

Hey, Trevor is not my dad.

Trevor is my mom's mistake.

Wow.

You know I can hear you, right?

That's a relief.

I was worried I wasn't saying it loud enough.

All right, you two. That's enough.

So? Can we get the time off work?

I was gonna have to lay you two off since it's the slow season.

But I told Adam that we make twice as much as we do.

Didn't even phase him.

- Trevor. - What?

It's not like he can't afford it.

We are back, boys!

Grad '97!

Whoo!

You showed up to the first day of school in a DeLorean?

- Too much? - Too much.

You, uh, gonna change those clothes?

Where we're going, we don't need clothes.

What?

You are my density.

1.21 "Jigawatts"! 1.21 "Jigawatts"!

Greg! Greg, wait up!

- Excuse me, coming through. - Excuse me.

What have you done?

Trust me, this is gonna be amazing.

Hey, guys.

You excited or nervous for the first day?

Yeah.

Pull your shit together.

Oh, hey, honey.

God, you are so humiliating.

Don't you think it's crazy

how I have a daughter in the same grade as me?

Well, as us. It's weird, right?

That's a great outfit.

Thanks, I went back-to-school shopping

and it felt like old times.

That's what she said, heh.

Anyway, um, thanks.

I have seen you in rooms

with some of the most powerful leaders in the world.

I've listened through walls of lavish hotels

while you've had mad, crazy, tantric sex with supermodels.

But ten seconds with Darcie Williams,

you just fall to pieces.

Hey, excuse me.

Yeah.

Yo.

Ooh.

It is killing me that I don't remember who you are.

But I don't think you can sit there.

That's for Mr. Wagner.

But I'd be more than happy to treat my desk as a bunk bed.

You want top or bottom?

Mr. Wagner was my father.

Unfortunately, he could not be here,

so Miss Russell asked if I would take his place.

That's bullshit. Come on, Pi.

You said we're gonna do this "100%."

Yeah, what is your dad doing that's so important

he couldn't be here today?

That is so like him.

He was always such a cunt.

He died. Leukemia.

Gotta be honest, dude. That's a legit reason.

We're sorry for your loss. Your father was a great man.

Thank you.

Now, does everybody want to open their books

and turn to page 12, please?

You're kidding, right?

I'm sorry, is there a problem?

No, no, no problem.

So, you want us to take classes, like, for real?

That's kind of how school works.

Guys, it's gotta be the whole deal or no deal.

Excuse me, can you please sit down?

I'm sorry. I'm Adam Pi.

I know who you are, Adam.

I have your name in my list.

Ooh.

Now, if you don't mind, I would like to get back

to teaching my students about the Civil Rights movement.

- Hi. - Hey.

You, uh-- you look incredible.

Thanks. So do you.

Hey, having my brother and sister here

- in their late 30s. - Uh, um, just-- no.

Whatever. I just don't want anyone

to know we're related, all right?

This is my senior year.

I don't need you two screwing it up.

- Does he know that we used to-- - No.

No, we promised Dad we would never speak of it again.

Uh, okay, so we promised your dad.

- My dad. - Because when you say "Dad,"

- it's weird, yeah. - Weird.

- Hey. - Hey.

You know you can't sit here, right?

You know you're not too big

for a spanking, right?

Why are you doing this?

Don't you think you already wrecked my life enough?

Shouldn't you guys be eating

in the teacher's lounge or something?

Is that supposed to make us feel old?

You do know that I'm in better shape at 37

than you are at 17.

They're called salads, ladies. Try one.

God, you guys are so cute.

You think you know everything?

You think you know how to disassemble someone

with hurtful words?

Darlings, we've got 20 more years experience than you.

Try us, twats.

Oh, you think it's funny.

We got a cutie on our hands.

You think we're comedians?

Look, I want to tell you something.

I've been thinking about it.

Wait, Emma.

Oh, my God, this cutie thinks she rules this school.

You are clearly not worthy.

I hate you.

Don't forget to change your pad, sweetie.

Erin! Erin! Uh, Ms. Wegner, wait.

Mr. Pi, how can I help you?

- Is that the Synrnote app? - It is.

I kinda created that.

So you realize that beep means I'm late for something.

Actually, you can make that a beep or a vibration or a--

right, sorry, I just wanted to apologize for--

- Mr. Pi, I'm sorry... - Adam, Adam.

...for snapping on you earlier.

I just-- I've never taught a class

where I was the youngest in the room

and I felt I needed to assert myself.

Look, you paid us a lot of money

and I want to make sure the experience

is as authentic as you'd asked

and make it as high school as possible for you.

Hi.

I am feeling socially awkward,

insecure, and a little weird about everything.

Just like high school.

- Uh-oh. - Shit.

- Oh! - Yes!

Wow.

For those of you who don't remember,

I am Mr. Payne.

Welcome to...

Sex Ed!

Quiet!

Today we're discussing the reproductive gland.

Anyone want to come up and identify

parts of the female anatomy?

Mr. Jackson? Thank you.

Sure. I can come up there.

You think you're very funny, Mr. Jackson.

Can you please identify the interior labia commissures?

No need, Mr., Payne.

I'm gonna show you everything you need to know.

This is for Mondays through Fridays.

This is for weekends, holidays,

and special occasions, yeah.

Spoken like someone who never truly satisfied a lover.

- Ooh. - That's true.

Mr. Pi?

Oh, this'll be good.

Ooh.

You're not even close.

You can't locate the interior labial commissure

from the backside.

Actually, it's the best way to identify

the interior labial commissure.

In fact, you can identify most of the female anatomy

comfortably and effectively from this position.

It's been my experience the best place to start

is with the labia majora,

drifting attention towards the labia minora.

Excuse me, some of us are actually trying

to learn something here.

Shut it, princess. We are learning.

Yeah, Adam, don't stop, okay?

Just keep going, going, going, going.

Mr. Pi, but...

what can you tell us about the male anatomy?

Tons. Nobody's touched his wiener more than he has.

Oh.

Pleasure is a two-way street and knowledge is key, Mr. Payne.

I can show you how to access the seminal vesicles

via the rectum without upsetting the vas deferens.

Oh, you cheeky monkey.

I have to say, I am impressed.

Well, I mean, I could give you some private lessons sometime.

Maybe I'll take you up on that.

Yeah, totally.

Okay, well, I'll see you later?

Uh, what are you doing? It's your chance.

No, it's not the right time.

- It's not the right time. - Oh. Pussy.

Hey, Darcie, wait up!

- Hey, what's up? - Hey.

I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go out sometime?

Like, just as friends?

Yeah. Yeah, I would like that.

I'll see you later.

"Just as friends"? Come on.

Let's remember the important part of the conversation.

I have a date with Darcie Williams.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what I've been thinking about?

What I'm gonna do after high school.

Am I gonna go to college? I don't know.

Am I gonna go to Europe for two years

and finally find myself?

You know we're only doing this for a month, right?

Seriously, don't you feel like this is our second shot

at, "What do you want to be when you grow up"?

What do you want to be?

I'm pretty sure that having Jessica in high school

dictated my path, like, a long time ago.

No, it didn't, okay?

This is a second chance.

Are you or are you not going out with Pi tonight?

Oh, my God, I haven't been on a date in ages.

I'm not even sure what this is.

Oh, my God, shut up.

Shut the hell up.

You and your post-pregancy huge vagina need this, okay?

Take this opportunity.

Okay, I was full lying.

Do you know if you do enough kegels,

your vagina can literally play with itself, hands-free,

like a Bluetooth for your vagina?

I've literally been touching myself

hands free since I got here.

Oh, no, I'm gonna orgasm right now,

in like two seconds. Oh, my God.

This is so awkward for you but it's so good for me.

Oh, my God, watch me.

Oh, my God, watch my pants. They're gonna get so wet.

- Oh, no. - Day drinking.

- No. No. - Perfect.

So it's safe to assume you're too drunk

to take me to soccer tryouts?

I've had half a glass of wine.

- You are so pathetic. - My God, I'm gonna pass out.

Oh, my God, I'm thinking about you and Adam.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Pi!

Oh, my God.

Whatever. Trent's taking me anyways.

I don't know what she said.

But I'm gonna need an extra pair of sweatpants.

No, it'll do all of that, but, I mean, basically,

it's similar to what you know, but it's also--

Hey nerds!

- What are you doing? - Adam has a new prototype

that will revolutionize the smartphone.

We're gonna test out a few of the game apps.

Can we see it?

No, no, it's a prototype.

I mean, these guys had to sign

non-disclosure agreements to see it.

Can I see it?

Don't get me wrong, I love Greg,

and he's been my best friend since I was four years old,

but that giant stick up his ass is so obvious,

he's often mistaken for a fudge-icle.

Hey, dickhead. Give me the phone.

Y-you can't. What if somebody sees it?

Don't be such a pussy, Shits-his-pantsky.

Yeah, Shits-his-pantsky, heh.

Seriously, if this gets leaked--

Seriously, don't worry about it. Guys, give it a try.

Whoo-hoo. Lesbians.

All right, what do I know? I'm just Shits-his-pantsky.

Play threesomes.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh.

Nice.

- Yeah. - Ahem.

Real mature.

This is the life you were missing 20 years ago?

Erin-- Ms. Wegner, what are you doing here?

We got an anonymous call

that our students were smoking marijuana...

It's medicinal.

- ...on school property... - Pfft.

...and now I walk by to see porn being projected

on the high school wall.

While you may be high school students,

you're still adults in real life,

and doing drugs and watching porn at a place for children

is still generally frowned upon by most of society.

What are you gonna do, Erin, give us all detentions?

Well, unfortunately, protocol would be

to contact the police where, if convicted,

you could face some serious jail time.

- Whatever, NARC. - Projector, off.

I am-- I am so sorry about that.

Can I ask why you're doing this?

Because if it's just to relive some teenage hormonal fantasy,

that's pretty pathetic.

I-- I just feel like I missed out on high school.

Adam, how many of your grad class are billionaires?

None. Unless you count me, okay, then one.

And how long have you and Greg been best friends?

My whole life.

And you spend your days doing what you love,

- I presume, with him. - Yeah, it's amazing.

So, why are you doing this again?

Well, I hope you find it this time,

because those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.

It's not just a dorky way of saying come to class.

See you Monday, Adam.

Is it just me or does anybody else

hear Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" right now?

Fast food at the point.

Now this really does feel like high school.

Totally.

Who am I kidding? I have never been here.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

Oh, I was here every weekend in high school.

Okay, easy on the judgy eyes.

I can't believe I am here with you.

You know, I think I saw you on TV last year.

You were having dinner at the White House.

That was not as cool.

You're telling me that you think it's cooler

hanging out with me here at the point

than waltzing with the First Lady.

You're the prom queen.

I don't think the First Lady

can boast such an honor.

I didn't even go to our prom.

You gave a whole entire village in Africa clean water.

Who cares about prom?

Everything that seemed important in high school,

it just-- it doesn't matter anymore.

You're right.

But it does feel really nice to be on a date again.

Is that what we're doing?

Well, yeah.

Right?

So, are we, like, going out now, or...?

I guess.

You've put the "heaven" in thirty "su-heaven."

What are they doing here?

Hey!

Wow, I love your...

Really?

What?

It's a blast from the past.

Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Yes!

Whoo!

Where are you going, Shits-his-pantsky?

Shit your pants again?

Hey, hey, hey.

Where are you going?

Uh, hotel, put some work in.

You're ditching?

Well, yeah, I got a text this morning

that someone leaked photos of the prototype phone

that you were showing off the other day, so...

- Is it serious? - I don't know yet.

Come on, man, there's already been, like,

a kajillion rumors about this thing.

A, "kajillion" isn't a word,

and, B, this is getting ridiculous.

- I'm done. - You can't quit.

You don't get the money if you quit.

Are you seriously being an ass monkey right now?

You think I care about the money?

Okay-- I didn't mean it, okay?

I promise, I'll take care of everything I screwed up.

You shouldn't be cleaning up my mess.

I just-- I really need you tonight.

You got enough new friends.

I'm sure they can help you with whatever--

No, no, no, no. I need you, okay?

We've been invited to the car rally.

We hate car rallies.

No, we hated car rallies 'cause we were never invited.

Well, we've been invited now, so they're cool.

We're cool.

You know, you sound like an idiot.

You're arguably the smartest man on the planet,

and you're starting to talk like a 14-year-old girl.

Nuh-uh.

Look, you know you're my best friend, right?

Okay, I can't do this without you.

You know that's true, right?

Come on.

Hey!

You can be my wingman anytime.

Bullshit. You can be mine.

He'd be my wingman, right?

He'd be-- yeah, he'd be my wingman.

- What are you doing, man? - Stretching.

Yeah, you should do it, too. You'll regret it if you don't.

You look gay.

Dude, you can't make that joke anymore.

Yeah, that's true. Everyone's

a little gay nowadays. Don't be ignorant.

Do you guys know how hard it is

to parent someone in the same grade as you?

Can one of you guys help me with my life?

What's this for?

- I'm auditioning for-- - Porn.

Not for porn, for a play.

I mean, she hasn't called, she hasn't e-mailed.

She hasn't even texted.

Why are you freaking out? Aren't you ready

for a little you time?

I don't know. I just didn't think me time

- would feel this lonely. - Thanks a lot.

Okay, come on. You know what I mean.

I think you need to act a little less lonely.

Try working on it.

Seriously, can you put Mom Darcie to bed

and bring out fun Darcie for a little while?

- Like, please? - Please?

Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty please?

Okay, fine. Beer me.

- Yes. - Yes!

- Yo, yo, yo, Pi. - Yeah?

- You're with us, yeah? - Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Listen up, everyone!

You know how this goes.

Sarah's got the lists.

Steve Probyn's parents are gone for the weekend,

so he has graciously let us use his place

for the final tally and party.

Just like old times, people.

On your mark...

get set...

go!

You've got this. Yes, you do.

You can do this.

Close enough.

Hey, Steve, you know that's not on the list.

Oh, I know.

I think this is my dad's car.

Fuck him!

- This is a bad idea. - Ugh, shut up, Greg.

Don't be such a little bitch.

What if the owner comes back?

They're not gonna come back.

- Okay, run, Greg. - Why?

Ooh, they're in the car!

Thanks, Greg!

God damn, dude.

That's right.

What's he taste like?

Oh, she, what does she--?

Did you just panty raid your own mom?

Shh.

Hello?

Hey, what the--?

- What happened to your shirt? - Lost it.

- How? - I don't know.

Hey! Aren't you a fuckin' cop?

What's up, Platoon?

I didn't know how funny you are.

Me, too. You killed it tonight.

Anytime I need a copilot-- hey.

That's what I'm gonna call you.

Anita Copilot.

Totally.

Sarah, do you have the final tally?

Well, I have the most activities checked.

Did you count my bonus points?

- For teabagging a minor? - Yes.

Eh? Yes?

You wrote in your own bonus points.

That doesn't count.

- Give it to him! - Give it to him.

The people have spoken.

Hey, I'd like to make a toast.

And I wasn't sure how this whole high school thing

was gonna go, but the last few weeks have been amazing.

So, let's raise a glass

to the guy who made it all possible,

the man with a plan, the coolest guy in school.

To Adam.

Adam! Adam!

So, tell me. How does it feel

to be the most popular guy in school?

I always thought that was so sexy.

Mom?

Oh, my God, ew!

What are you doing here?

I thought you weren't my mother for an entire month.

That is not what I said.

Does your father know you're here?

God, you are so humiliating.

Jessica, get back here.

Whatever, slut.

Beer, Mr. Jackson?

No, tonight it's Trevor.

Whatever, Trevor.

Hey, Shawn, is it weird to be at a party

with your older brother and your older sister?

Whatever.

Yeah, bet you guys do all kinds of things together.

Shut up, dick.

Thought you told my mom you were studying

at a friend's house tonight.

I am. This is my buddy Steve,

and tonight, we're studying.

First class-- alcohol and the female anatomy.

Spoiler alert, the answer is vagina.

What are you doing?

I told Mom I'd text her if I saw you.

What was that answer again, "Vagina?"

- Vagina. - Whatever you see tonight,

you didn't see. Get it?

Oh, if those are the rules, Trevor,

you want a toke of some sweet bud?

Abso-fuckin'-lutely.

Whoo, let's tear it up, fuckers!

- Hey. - Hey.

Did I use too much tongue?

No, gosh, you were-- you were fine.

I mean, you were-- you were great.

May I?

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Thank you for all of this.

Yeah, you look like you're having the time of your life.

No, I mean it. Thank you.

I've spent the last 20 years looking back at these days

and just remembering how amazing they were.

Something tells me those aren't tears of joy

coming out of your face right now.

Yeah, well, I did just get reamed out

by my teenage daughter at a house party

for acting like a slut.

- Ouch. - Right?

She does have a point, though.

I have been super self-absorbed lately.

I think you're cool.

I mean, you know that, right?

I'm always gonna think you're cool.

Duh.

Hey, I know that you and I have maybe

sorta started something here,

but I really think I've gotta pull back

and focus more on my daughter.

After all, it is her last year of high school,

and you and I both know that isn't always easy.

Yeah, uh...

thanks for letting a nerd date the coolest girl in school.

Thanks for letting a single mom

date a famous billionaire.

Break up on three?

One, two, three.

I know it's not always cool in high school

to be, you know, friends with your ex...

I'm really glad we got to know each other.

Thanks.

Okay, if I'm gonna focus on being a better role model,

we should probably get out of the bedroom.

Everyone knows, at high school parties,

you only go to the bedroom if you're trying to get laid.

Were we gonna have sex?

I don't--

- Jessica! - Oh, my God.

Who is this? I thought you were dating Trent.

This is Shawn, my friend.

Unlike you, I don't feel the need

to make out with every guy in high school.

I always thought this was boyfriend material.

Your "friend"?

Is that why you're sneaking into an empty bedroom?

What were you gonna do in here?

What am I doing? What are you doing?

Are you guys having sex?

- Ew, no. - I'm not sure I'd use "ew."

Are you having sex?

Is that why you two came in here?

Is this how you're planning on losing your virginity?

Wait, you're still a virgin? Sweet!

You two clearly have a lot of shit to talk about, so...

Yeah, I think he's right.

Not about the virginity thing, just...

...you guys clearly have to figure out this between you.

We all know the rules?

- Oh, look at that. - No.

And-- and, oh.

It wants to go there.

Are you guys having a good time?

Why didn't we ever get drunk in high school?

This is awesome.

I lost my shirt in the car.

Never mind, you know what?

I'm gonna get you your shirt, okay?

Sweet.

Hey-- hey.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Steve invited us.

Steve, did you invite the teachers?

What?

- We should go. - No, no, no, no, no.

I am glad you guys are here.

Uh, let me get you guys a drink.

Erin, you made it!

Steve, Erin is one of our teachers.

Fuck off, what?

There is no way. I would've remembered you.

What were you, like, seven years old?

What? Look at her.

Look, I promised the girls a soda, okay?

I'll see you around.

Hey. Hey.

You're here.

No. What the fuck is this?

- Huh? - You love it.

- No, I don't. - You love it.

- I told you I don't. I don't. - You love it.

I--

I knew I shouldn't have come here.

- Hey. - Hey.

- I can explain. - Relax, I get it. House party.

All part of your big do-over.

How's it going, anyway?

Uh, pretty good.

When you have enough money to rewrite history,

- what does that look like? - What do you mean?

- I mean, are you cool now? - Pretty much.

- Invited to all the parties? - Yep.

- And everyone knows your name? - Yeah.

Sometimes they even chant it. Adam, Adam, Adam.

Did you make out with all the hot chicks?

Well, I kinda just kissed the hottest girl in the school,

or she kissed me, I don't know.

It just felt so natural I didn't--

That's not gonna work

'cause, um, we just want different things.

We're better off as friends.

I don't understand why you're trying so hard

not to be yourself.

A nerd? You think it's cool to be a nerd?

I'm a nerd.

There's no way you have ever been a nerd.

Why can you only "ran" through a campsite, but never "run"?

Because it's past tents.

Okay, well, okay. Shit, you are a nerd.

Okay, ah, maybe nerds and popular people

just aren't supposed to be together.

Maybe she just didn't like the way you kiss.

What? No.

The movie Revenge of the Nerds?

Nerds are great kissers.

When he wears the Darth Vader mask.

- What? - I don't think I've ever seen

Revenge of the Nerds.

I know who Darth Vader is.

That doesn't help me remember a movie I've never seen.

Okay, and you call yourself a nerd.

And you call yourself an incredible kisser.

I am.

- Really? - Absolutely.

Prove it.

Oh, my God. Not on me, weirdo.

Okay, I misread that.

Yeah.

Move. Please move.

Move.

- Hmm? - Honey, let's go.

It's time to go, come on. Let's go home.

Let's go. Get up now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Settle down.

What's happening here?

- Mind your own business. - Easy, now.

I said mind your own busi-- whoa!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

- Relax! - Stop it!

Move, move!

- Oh, yes. - Ooh.

Oh, my God.

Dude, is that your brother and sister?

That is disgusting. Ew.

- Oh, God. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Shawn, wait. - What the hell?

What happened to the music, bitches?

Where have you been? You're missing one hell of a party.

Are you kidding me right now?

You've been here the whole time, partying?

You didn't, for one second, just stop to think,

"Where's Greg? I wonder where Greg might be."

Not for one second? You didn't think that at all?

Why are you being such a dick?

Ow.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

The return of Shits-his-pantsky.

- That's so gross. - Ew.

Oh, my God.

Fuckin' Pi.

It's a nice lineup we got back here.

- How are you enjoying school? - You wanna make out?

I'm actually really enjoying it.

I'm finding it interesting this time around.

I'm finding you interesting this time around.

What's my first name?

Parking Ticket.

'Cause you got fine written all over you.

You're drunk. It's not gonna happen, sorry.

Your loss. Girls like you are a dime a dozen.

You know, they'll pretend like you got all dressed up

to come here, be witty, and talk about Middle East politics.

Are we gonna fuck or what?

You're not mad, are ya?

Shit.

Fuck. Fuck, mother-- go away.

Motherfucker. Fucking idiot.

- Fuck! - Greg, it's me. Let me in.

I said go away!

Just walk in.

My parents took the locks off when I was 13.

I was jerking off too much.

They thought it'd stop me.

It didn't.

Holy shit!

Nice wiener. Holy shit!

Is that shit in your pants?

Fuck, Probyn, get the fuck out!

Did Adam do this?

Get out!

He said he's gonna need a minute.

- Greg. - Look, let me go.

Where are you going, Shit's-his-pansky?

I know you've had a rough night, okay?

And I'm sorry.

You made me shit my pants.

How could I make you shit your pants?

You know what? It doesn't matter, I mean...

Fuck tonight. It's not even about tonight.

This whole high school do-over, it's been shit.

Some of it's been cool.

No, it hasn't been cool.

You're not cool. You'll never be cool.

It's a joke. You're a joke.

Hey, I thought we were having a party.

Who wants to light off some homemade fireworks?

- Fuck! - Clear out!

Will someone tell me why those kids weren't arrested?

Because they're kids and we're adults, dumbass.

Uh, legally, we're 17 this month.

You know that we're just reliving 17, right?

We didn't actually turn 17.

Don't blame each other. It's his fault.

Yeah, my life was going fine until you pulled this stunt.

You offered us one year's salary for one month.

Of course we said yes. We're here for the money.

Come on, you guys. We've been having a good time.

This is our chance to make high school awesome.

You're the only one that needed a do-over.

For the rest of us, high school was pretty fucking awesome.

Partying, fucking, and getting wasted.

You're the only one that had to buy

a cool high school experience.

I call fail.

Nerd.

What a piece of shit.

We're still gonna vote on valedictorian, though, right?

All right, dick heads, let's go, let's go.

Hey.

You left your phone at home.

Someone named Darcie messaged you.

She said, "Stop asking, it's not going to happen."

But Claire said that she's "down syndrome."

I assume that's an autocorrect.

I untied Tyler, by the way.

I found him crying in the back yard.

Shit.

I knew we forgot something.

It was a joke.

I was gonna untie him later.

But you didn't.

I also received a video from Dan

that was very eye-opening.

The rest of your stuff is in the front yard.

W-wait. What video?

Thanks for the time, Warden.

We are disappointed in you.

Dad, Mom, I can explain.

You are grounded.

But I have school tomorrow.

No, no, no. No more school for you.

- What? - Get in the car.

Ow!

You know, you'll be sorry when I move out!

I am sorry about the other night.

Let's pretend it didn't happen.

I'm your teacher. We shouldn't.

Did anybody else even show up?

As far as I know, just you. And Sarah.

She's helping another teacher for extra credit.

Fine, contract says they have to finish

or they don't get paid.

I'm not sure any student was getting paid anyway.

Did you read the contract?

Sarah drew it up. She said it was really simple.

So, no.

It states that the grades they get now replace

the grades they had.

Hardly anyone did enough work to pass,

and that means, A, they don't get paid,

and, B, technically speaking, many of them

didn't-slash-won't graduate high school.

That's not possible. How is that even legal?

Your lawyers drew up one hell of a contract.

My lawyers-- my lawyers didn't draw up the contract.

Sarah works for the Board of Education.

Wait, no, no, no, no, no. How did she do?

- All As. - Of course she did.

You gotta change everybody's grades.

- Everybody gets As. - I'm not doing that.

A D? I got a D?

You submitted an essay based on temporal paradoxes

and inaccuracies in the movie Back to the Future.

You asked for 500 words on historical revisionism.

That classic trilogy epitomizes the flaws in histor--

I don't think I like your tone.

You asked for 500 words on historical revisionism.

I think we're done here.

You asked for an authentic. high school experience,

and I would hate for that to go sideways on you.

- Erin. - Ms. Wagner, thank you.

Would you please take a seat?

- Ms. Wagner? - I said take a seat.

Ms. Wagner?

Wayne Payne.

Friend, son...

teacher.

Wayne, in his final will and testament

asked that the following be recited.

It's a quote from the Mahatma Gandhi.

"Live as if you will die tomorrow.

Learn as if you will live forever."

I blame Pi.

Mr. Payne was an old dude who should never have been

dragged out of retirement for this high school thing.

Did you hear about us all losing our diplomas?

What did you say?

Not only are we all not getting paid,

this new grade replaces our old grade.

What's this shit about us losing our diplomas?

It's in the contract.

Our new grades replace our old grades

on the permanent record.

Yeah, but the records are permanent.

How do you change permanent records?

I can't be a cop without a 12th grade diploma.

What happens there?

What do I look like, Wikipedia?

- Wika-what? - John, I am so sorry.

Dennis? Andy?

Greg?

Come on, you guys know everything I have done

has been with good intentions.

What, now, nobody's talking to me?

Sarah's the one who screwed us over.

- She may have loaded the gun. - You pulled the trigger.

Hey! You all right, buddy?

Hey, it's all good, buddy.

Look, what I'm saying is

is Biff can't go back to the future, okay?

Because he just went to the past

and he gave himself a sports almanac.

So it's a different timeline now.

That's all I'm saying.

But you know what the real lie is?

The real lie is that you can change your history, okay?

Your past is a series of scars and ulcer-inducing moments

that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your lives.

You know how you guys are, like, real losers right now?

That's how it is forever. That's it.

Look at this guy. Nobody likes him, do they?

Of course they don't. Look at him.

Who could like that?

Nobody likes you in the future, either.

And they like you even less.

Yeah. Look at you.

You clearly have zero friends.

You know what's interest-- you'll have less in the future.

Less than zero.

Guys, I'm not saying you're not gonna be successful.

Okay? I'm just saying if you're nerds now,

you're gonna be nerds forever.

So, good luck getting anybody to ever love you,

let alone like you.

You're gonna die alone.

- What you makin'? - A mess.

I think you're overreacting.

No, I've really screwed things up this time.

- I meant the beaker. - Ah!

High school sucks.

It's over and done. Why go back?

'Cause I didn't know anything back then.

And now you do.

You realize that everything that's ever happened to you

has made you who you are today. You get that, right?

And your life today is pretty amazing, no?

Not today-today.

So, everything that's ever happened to you,

good or bad, has made you who you are.

So you're saying that every time

I was thrown through a fence,

atomic wedgied, or lit on fire,

that had a positive effect on who I became?

Yeah, those things sound pretty awful,

some even punishable by law.

But you survived, and they helped shape your character.

And I happen to think that character's

a pretty attractive quality in a person.

So what you're saying is you think I'm attractive?

- I did not say that. - No, that's exactly

- what you said. - I'm your teacher.

Okay, well, then, you probably shouldn't kiss me.

Well, I'm not going to.

Well, then, I'm not gonna kiss you.

- Great. - Good.

Do you want to go to prom?

I can't, I'm chaperoning.

Are we all really gonna fail?

Everyone quit, so they get a zero.

Unless they take the final exam and pass.

It's worth 70% of the final grade.

Everybody hates me like they did back in high school.

How am I gonna get them to come to finals?

It doesn't matter if they hate you or not.

Just be yourself.

I'm a nerd. I make phones.

That's who I am. That's all I know.

Anyone? Bueller?

Betty, open the contract on the high school do-over.

Opening the do-over contract.

I think I got this.

So, technically speaking, does the contract

say anything about not being able

to use handheld devices during the test?

It doesn't, but wouldn't that be cheating?

It's not cheating if it's not in the contract.

Confirmed, smartphones are not

in the contract.

Thank you, Betty. You're the best.

No, Adam, you're the best.

What? "Innovation is the difference

between being a leader and a follower." Steve Jobs.

I'm being innovative.

Less judgy eyes.

You made me shit my pants.

I know.

My pants, shit, you.

I didn't mean to hit you so hard.

I'm only here 'cause of these two.

I'll take it.

My text said we also get awesome new R&D jobs at your company,

but only if Greg comes back, yes?

And if Greg doesn't come back?

You know you're better than this, right?

I'm not.

You know that better than anyone.

You know, you've been an absolute dick,

and you owe me big time.

I know.

Shh.

Is this, like, a company thing,

or just like a one-off?

We should start every day with a hug fest.

Mm.

How are we gonna make sure

everyone has all the right info,

all the right access to all the right software?

What if everybody wore earpieces

and I just fed them the answers?

No, that would definitely fall under cheating,

and the contract is very explicit about that.

Maybe we should get some naked girls to watch us think.

No touching, just watch us think.

Get the creative juices flowing.

Sorry, guys. That was a high school fantasy.

We've already done it.

Time for new dreams, new fantasies.

Maybe your new phone prototype can come up with some ideas.

No.

That's it.

You'll lose millions. Hundreds of millions.

It's perfect.

This came for you! Is it drugs?

Drugs don't even come like that.

- Do you-- - How do you know

how drugs come?

Breaking Bad!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

You're gonna fuckin' die.

I can't wait. I can't wait.

Bring it on. Try your fuckin' best!

How dare you?!

Aw, fuck it.

I thought the biggest mistakes I made were in high school.

I won't try to undo the mistakes

I've made in recent weeks,

as we all know how that turns out.

Instead, I will offer you no more than a promise

to learn from my mistakes.

That and this fully pimped out phone.

Whoa, what?

It won't be officially released until Christmas,

but I wanted to give it to you as a special thank you

for trying to help me fulfill a stupid fantasy.

It's been loaded with the entire curriculum

of our 12th grade program,

and is permissible to use in this test.

I know that many of you don't want to see me

or your old school ever again,

but if you want to keep your grades,

or more importantly, your diplomas,

this phone should help.

May this phone be with you.

Fuck! What the fuck?

Mom! Dad!

Only three people have logged into their phones so far.

Final exams are tomorrow.

Doesn't anybody want their diploma?

I thought with all this groveling,

we'd get everybody back.

Turns out, all I've done is probably release the software

to the competition a month early.

Yeah, well, don't blame me.

That's on you, and you know it.

You're right. You're right.

I've gone against everything we stand for,

everything we've worked hard for.

Our company philosophy, everything.

I turned my back on everyone,

just to impress a bunch of people

we haven't seen in 20 years.

I'm totally pathetic.

What should I do?

Come on, Greg, what should I do?

Oh, you-- you want my advice?

Yeah, Greg, what should I do?

Well, you need my advice?

Greg, don't make me beg, okay?

Why not?

Okay, I'm begging, okay?

Can you just tell me what to do, please?

Okay.

Maybe they just need someone popular

to help nudge them in the right direction.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Depends what you think I'm saying.

I love it when he gets like this.

As discussed, we lured him to the bar

with a fake booty call text from Darcie.

- Then we roofied his beer. - How long is this gonna take?

We gotta get him out of here before my mom comes home.

Not a problem.

Guys, maybe we shouldn't do this.

Yeah, you're probably right.

- Greg! - Fuck it!

After a lifetime of terrorizing us,

he deserves this, and a lot more.

Hey, I gave him a triple dose of an extra strength laxative.

You'll want to be quick, 'cause he should shit himself

any moment now.

Done!

Just in time.

I'll message him copies of every one of these photos.

Tell him you'll send one to the entire class

if even one person doesn't show to that exam tomorrow.

Guys, shouldn't we be better than this?

Absolutely.

We're going to hell.

Fuck!

Pi!

The test will likely take you the full four hours,

but if you finish early, please put your hand up

and I will collect your papers.

And, pencils down.

Sarah, it's time.

Sarah.

It's time.

Hey, where's Greg?

He says he's got something to do and he'll be right back.

I guess that's that, huh?

So, everyone's gonna graduate?

With better grades?

Adam!

Well, almost everyone.

Are you sure about these phones?

I swear, every second answer was wrong.

Oh, God, this better not affect my finals.

Okay, calm down, Sarah. It's just high school.

"Just high school"?

That's funny coming from you.

If this thing doesn't work, then I get a do-over.

Trust me, do-overs do not work.

Get out of my way!

Pi!

You know how to trace a number on one of these things?

Somebody hacked my phone.

The phone's unlisted. It's not even on the market yet.

Thanks.

You really saved our asses in there today.

- Don't thank me, thank Greg. - Shipansky?

Don't you mean Shits-his-pantsky?

No, zip it.

Shipansky.

Not funny when you shit your pants.

Sorry, guys.

This sucks!

It's just like 20 years ago.

What a waste of time.

Look, you're our best friend,

so don't take this the wrong way.

If, in 20 years, you're still here,

coming over to my house, watching Patriots games,

doing construction work,

I'm gonna fuckin' kill ya.

What the fuck are you talking about?

He's right. Fuck you.

You don't owe it to yourself, man. You owe it to me.

'Cause tomorrow I'm gonna wake up, I'll be 50

and still be doing this shit.

You're sitting on a winning lottery ticket,

and you're too much of a pussy

to cash it in, and that's bullshit.

'Cause I'd give fuckin' anything to have what you got.

Any of these guys would.

It'd be an insult to us

if you're still here in 20 years.

Hanging' around here,

it's a fuckin' waste of your time.

It's not your fault.

Yeah, I know.

- It's not your fault. - I know.

Listen to me, son.

It's not your fault.

Yeah, I know.

It's not your fault.

I-- don't fuck with me, Shawn, not you.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

I'm sorry!

Oh, God.

Oh.

See, I am smart!

Valedictorian.

You like apples? You like apples?

How do you like them apples?

Whoo!

What a piece of shit.

Jessica? Jessica!

- What is wrong? - Why do you care?

Why do I care? Because I'm your mother.

I will always care.

It's stupid.

What-- well, you wouldn't be this upset

if it was that stupid.

Are you seriously crying to your mommy?

Just leave me alone.

And why would she need to do that?

Look, we just want different things in life right now.

Is this a sex thing?

Are you kidding me? I can't even get a hand job.

Oh, yeah, well...

Mom, that was awesome.

I was always good at giving hand jobs.

Yeah, you probably shouldn't hit children.

Let's get out of here.

- What's up, ladies? - Hey.

Are you coming to this grad dinner prom thing?

Pi's buying. Food and drinks.

No, I'm gonna go home

and spend some time with my daughter.

Come on, it's our last day of freedom

to be who we truly are.

You know, I figured out

who I truly am, and I am a mom.

And I'm okay with that.

- Ciao. Ladies. - Wish I had a cool mom.

Thanks.

Oh, uh, hey, Amy.

Um, this is for you.

- What's this? - I called my ex-husband,

and his aunt is an agent in L. A.

And she said she could help you out.

- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.

Thank you. Are you sure you don't wanna come?

Yeah. Yeah, positive.

Bye.

Have fun!

For all the shitty stuff that happened, you have to admit,

everybody kind of got what they wanted, didn't they?

Aw, come on. Are you trying to say

that this was your plan the whole time?

Pfft, you got lucky.

Except, of course, you didn't get to sleep with Darcie.

I mean, that was your plan the whole time, right?

You wanted to hook up with Trevor's girl.

I don't know, I kind of like Erin.

The teacher? You're in love with teacher?

What, are you five?

I don't know, I just think she's kinda cool.

So, you don't want to sleep with Darcie?

Like, not at all?

Darcie and I are better just as friends.

She's actually really cool.

Well, it-- it's not Darcie, but if you want to cross

the "Screw Trevor's Girl" off your list,

I'll give you this.

I'm having sex with someone who satisfies me.

Oh, no, that is-- that is awful.

Hi, Trevor. It's Greg from school.

Okay, that's not right.

No, come on, nah, that's a move

right out of the "Kama Sutra."

I'm having a lot of fun, Trevor.

This is so good, Trevor.

- Oh, the size... - Okay, that's not--

What are you doing?

I can't believe I ever put up with your small penis.

I'm just slightly above average.

It's so big,

- even on his worst day... - I'm just glad this whole

- ...he's 100 times better. - ...high school thing is over.

Look, you were right all along.

This was a bad idea from the start.

What? No, no, what are you talking about?

No, no, no, no. Don't listen to me.

I'm an idiot.

Look, did you see this video?

- Yeah, okay. - No, come on,

we gotta do this again next year.

And you know what? I'm thinking maybe

we redo seventh grade. You know what?

And, in ten years, when we're 47-teen,

we do it again!

High school is awesome.

Happy graduation, nerds.

Oh, look at the nerds.

Nerds!

High school sucks.

So, you two dated

before Mom and Dad even knew each other.

- Way before. - Yes. And, in the end,

we were together for way longer

- than they ever were. - Way longer.

You know, this doesn't change anything.

I'm still the guy in high school

whose brother fucks his sister.

Yeah, but nobody cares about what people think

about in high school except the people in high school.

This is gonna make for some weird family dinners.

Do any of the grandparents know?

Yes, but only because all four of them

are biological siblings.

Not even close to funny.

Yeah, that was pretty funny

No, not funny. Seriously, not funny.

Oh, it was pretty funny. Actually, also

for a while there, I dated the family dog.

But that was more sexual than anything else is.

Yeah, but you guys are in love.

The sexual was the goat

'cause you guys were really fucking for a while there.

And it was fun to watch, a little bit,

but I got a bit jealous sometimes.

So, if we don't care what people in high school

think anymore,

did you want to give this a shot?

No more sneaking around?