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What am I thinking
about right now?

I'm thinking about what it would
be like if I was a spy.

Great.

What would it be like
if you were a spy?

I think it'd be super
suave and sexy.

I think you just get a
gun, not a different
personality.

Don't tell me how my
fantasy works.

I'm actually kind of more into
the "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy"

kind of spying where everyone's
all very straight faced and--

Clacky shoes.

What, so it would just be you in
a suit and a pair of stilettos?

Now I've got an image of
my head

on Gary's body and stiletto
shoes.

I’d see that film.

- You haven't seen “Tinker
Tailor”--?
- No, I have.

I'm saying I'd watch...

...you slash Gary Oldman

in a spy movie where it's just
them trying to run in heels.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, I get it.

What would it be called?
“Running in Heels?”

“Tinker Tailor Soldier
Stilleto?”

It's kind of like Rocky Horror
meets John Le Carré.

Do you love me?

Yes, I love you.

Are you in love with me?

Such a--

That doesn't--

- That's not a thing--
- Yes, it is a thing! That's my
fucking point!

Yes, I'm in love with you.

And how is that different
to loving someone? To you?

Wordage.

I wanna know--

I don't want it to be like--

I'm not asking for some
Mills & Boon novel, you know.

I'm not--

I don't know who that is.

It's like-- soft porn book from
the 80s.

- A lot of heaving bosoms.
- Heh.

Saw a video about that the other
day.

Probably stopping at Aldi before
we--

Grab a bottle of wine or
something.

Yeah, to make up for the
presents.

They're not going to say
anything--

They're too polite. It
doesn't mean they won't think
anything.

They genuinely won't mind.

Like they're not kids they're
waiting,

waiting for the Santa Claus.

I really do love you.

It's just not the same.

We still have
Christmas.

One more Christmas.

Hey, Mum. Battery again.
Can you come over?

Can't you come over here
and pick me up?

It's not like I'm in bloody
Inverness.

Yes, it was working fine when I
dropped the tree off the

recycling center.

It was on my way back that it
died.

Alan didn't fix it! That guy
can't even change a flat tire.

I don't know why Dad keeps
recommending him to you.

I've got the jump leads.
They're here with me.

For the last time, I never
filled the tank with diesel!

Ever.

I told you that was Stephanie.

I am responsible!
Now come here and help me.

Oh, please! "Whatever Declan
wants, Declan gets..."

"Whatever Declan wants, Declan
gets."

You need a new catchphrase.

Thank you.

I'll share you my location.

Yes. The map icon
next to your inbox.

Love you too.

Bye-bye.

Do you have a tissue?

- Do you want to use my
sleeve?
- No.

Terrible jumper, anyway.

I bought you that jumper.

I know.

As a joke. I didn't think you'd
actually wear it.

You shouldn't drink and
drive.

Or dial.

I only had half.
Do you want the rest?

No, thanks. I'm driving.

- Where's Mum?
- Busy.

- She said she was coming.
- Battery again?

Yeah. Let me get the jump leads.

Just come back to town with me.
Call the guy

who fixed it last time.

He clearly didn't do a good job
of it.

If you turn your car around, we
can take it back to mine.

Get it sorted.

Waste of time, Dex.

If we call Alan, we'll waste
time and money. Come on.

Mum just told me to pick you up.

Mum agreed to start the
car.

It won't be on its own long.
It'll be secure.

What's she so busy
with, anyway?

Cleaning up after New Year.

We could do with some help that, actually.

Sure. Just--

Turn your car around
and we can get it sorted.

Come on, Rachel.
It'll take five minutes.

"Whatever Declan wants, Declan
gets."

♪ Hail the Son of righteousness ♪

♪ Light and life to all he
Brings ♪

♪ Risen with healing in his
Wings ♪

Try yours.

I just don't get it.

I mean--

You replaced this battery, what,
four months ago?

Seriously. Just chuck this piece
of shit. Get a real car.

Spoken like a true
mechanic.

Alright then. You tell
me.

I think we need a new
alternator to fix the solenoid.

I don't think the ignition coil
is connecting with the
distributor.

- You don't know it either do
you?
- I'm googling it right now.

How long do you normally
leave it?

I don't know. Like five minutes?

Mum and I normally let it run
until we can't be bothered
waiting any longer.

What are you doing
here, anyway?

Something wrong with the
motorway?

Believe it or not, this
is actually the quickest route
to the recycling center.

Ask the Sat-Nav Lady.

Sat-Nav Lady clearly likes
the scenic route.

Going anywhere for New Year?

Keith, Calum and I got
the night off at the bar.

Fraser picked us up for
pre-drinking libations at his.

Then we went to a lap dancing
club, thank you very much.

Money well spent.

Not the Horse and Angel.

How did you know?

First, no way you and Calum are
drinking £12 mojitos at Diamond
Lace.

Liquorice Rooms is shut for
refurbishment. And Longfellows
are shut for the holidays.

- Jesus. What are you, a bouncer?
- What are you, 60?

I didn't think they let you in
without a Zimmer frame.

Hardy har har.

Where there other
young guys in there?

- Tell the truth.
- The club is not as bad as you
think.

Hey, I'm not judging.

Sticky floors. Warm beer.

If that's what you're into,
chuck your coins

in the bucket with the other
pensioners.

You do you, dude.

♪ Pleased
Enough with flesh to dwell ♪

♪ Jesus, our Emmanuel ♪

What did you do for New Year's?

Drinks with Layla and Pippa.

They've moved in together.
That's the house warming out of
the way.

A nice wee intimate gathering.

No, it was packed.
Everyone was there.

Diane. Felicia.

Oh, do you remember Nadia?

Lawyer from Stonewall?

- No, I don't think I've met her.
- Sure you have. Oh, and Kirsty?

Did you not come and watch
her drag king act with me?

Cabaret in the park?

No. You must be thinking of
your other brother.

Do you want to give
the ignition another go?

No. Let's leave it a
bit longer.

Is Stephanie too
hungover to help

you with the Christmas tree?

Sorry. None of my business.

Nah, you're all right.

I’ve got nothing to hide.
If it keeps you from singing.

She's back in Guildford.

Her Granny's visiting, so--

She's spending some family time
down South.

I'm supposed to go there
tomorrow, but you know.

We'll probably spend a week
down there. Maybe longer.

Good stuff.

I mean, she's not been down for
a while, has she?

Not since summer.

It'll give her plenty of time to
cleanse herself

from the stench of Scotland.

Breathe again.

Of course.

"The
plebs have their charms,
granted."

But there's only so much one can

be forced to endure this far
from civilization."

Yeah, yeah.
Just because she's English.

- Because she's posh.
- It’s the same thing to you.

It's the same thing to her.

- I mean, she's been in Glasgow
what, seven years now?
- Eight.

And you think she's happy here?

Seriously. This far from home?

Do you think she is?

Just tell the truth.

It was never even a
question.

It was always assumed
that I would stay in Scotland.

That I would be here.

We did talk about it
at the time.

- Well you've got to--
- In the context of...

"So when are you moving up
here?"

Because I'm sure as hell I'm
not going down South."

Do you want us to move
down South?

I mean we could.

You don't want that.

I don't want to make you do
things you don't want to do.

There's no point in that.

Going south was--

Yeah. Sorry, it's--

She's fine there.

She's-- She's under a lot of
pressure

at the magazine and all
that and--

Missing her family.

You know, she's fine. Sh--
She'll be fine.

It's no one's fault.

Nothing to do with Scotland. You
know. So--

How did you convince her to
pretend

you two are still together?

What?

During Christmas.

We're-- We're not.

Did she--

How did you know?

I didn't. Until now.

Did you tell Mum?

Yep.

She was gonna find out soon
enough for herself, anyway.

Come on, Dex. As if Her Majesty

was gonna be going around strip
clubs with you.

And Christmas?

You show up late. No presents.

All like, "Sorry we're late!

Here's a bottle of wine! I
don't know."

I should have packed
the presents.

I-- I--

It was my job. I
said I would do it

and I didn’t do it.

Are you angry?

I'm not. It's fine.
Honestly.

You should be angry.

I'd be angry. I am angry.

What do you want me
to say about that?

I want you to be angry with me.
I want you to fucking feel
something.

You think I don't feel
anything?

It's just... it's
just--

"It-uh-uh-uh..."

You don't have to be
like that.

I know.

I'm sorry. It's just--

Every time is just "it's fine".

You know, describe our life?
"It's fine."

"It doesn't matter."

It does matter, actually.
You know?

You're not...?

Drop off, pick up some
wine or something, that's
generally

what people bring to these
anyway.

"These! These!" Like, Christmas?

Yeah, we'll bring wine.
That's not enough.

They're hosting us again.

It's going to be awkward.

Why do you always stick your

nose into other people's
business?

I was at the table.
It couldn’t not be my business.

I should be able to tell things
about my life in my own time.

You know I'm always here if you
want to talk about this stuff.

Oh, please! When do we ever
talk about this stuff?

You wanted to find out...

To have something to gossip
about

at New Year's with your mates.

You were looking forward to
Stephanie being gone.

- Well...
- You can put away the champagne,
Rach.

We're just taking some time off.

Do you know what that is?

Yep. Some bullshit on TV.

You're bullshit on TV.

People don't take time off.

You're either together or you're
not.

From your wealth of experience,
no doubt.

Yes, actually.

You were always so--

jealous and competitive with
her.

- Jealous and competitive?
- What else would you call it?

"Fuck off." Can I call it that?

I mean, I hope you're not
suggesting that Stephanie

took this time off from you
because of me.

Seriously?

Declan?

Do you not think sometimes you

struggle to see what's right in
front of you?

I think you look hot.

I'm sorry. It's not--

Telling me I look hot does not

fix any of the things I've just
said.

And why do you wait until now

to tell me that I look hot, anyway?

You could have told me at any
point.

You never tell me that.

Unless...

...you've done something wrong,

and you're trying to make me
feel better.

It'd be nice if you did nice
things, said nice things.

Just because you wanted to.

Not as some weird apology.

You know, or a way of getting
out of an apology.

I mean, is that or is that not
true?

Probably more true than
it isn't.

It's probably--

Just say yes, it's true!

That’s probably true.

Probably.

Just say yes, it's true!

Do you want the truth?

Do you?

Sabotage.

What?

Sabotage!

You seized every dinner.
Every Christmas.

Every opportunity you had to be
mean and judgmental with her.

You didn't care how much I loved
her.

You just wanted the English
bitch gone.

Dude. Get over yourself.

You practically forced her to
leave me!

Yeah. It's all on me.
Because she's such a sensible,

reasonable person, isn't she?

She is, actually.

While you were being
catty and anglophobic with her,

she always tried her very best
to remain

patient and receptive with you.

Oh, that must have been hard for
her.

I've seen you do it.

All the time.

You nag her when I’m around.
You nag her when I'm not!

I don't want to play
your family's

stupid party games!

They're stupid!

All of their children
are in their 20s!

Why do they make you do this
like fucking kids?

We can make up excuses
and not take part.

No! Because then they'll think
I'm more of a dick than they
already do!

You know that they don't like
me.

You know that.

- They like you.
- They don't!

Go on.

What?

What else did your perfect girl
say about me behind my back?

Do you think she's wrong?

Oh, no. Guilty as charged.

I tell her off. I'm a child in
my 20s. Games are stupid.

Nothing else?

Stephanie doesn't hate you.
Never hated you.

You’re a shit liar. Do you know
that?

She did agreed with me that
you were a bit of a diva.

She's one to talk.

They've been connected long
enough.

She's gone, dude. You can tell
me what she said about me.

Back off.

What have you got to lose?

I mean don't lean on the car.

Just tell the truth.

I'm not going to stand here and
satisfy your thirst for gossip.

You've-- You've never expressed
an interest

in my life before this.

And you did in mine?

I mind my own business.

It's my business if she's
chatting shit behind my back.

Stop acting like Mum.

You can't keep patronizing me
all the time.

Fuck off!
I'm not patronizing you.

You act like I've got something
to confess.

This is all stimming from your
stupid jealousy.

Who am I jealous of now?

Who?

Let's see.

Stephanie and I moved in
together and got jobs before you
did.

Even though you graduated first.

You're still stuck living with
Mum and and Dad

and have never had a boyfriend.

I was happy to drive you about,
but it's sad that all that time

you were just resenting me for
getting a car before you did.

This car?

This car that Dad bought you?

This car that you can't get
started?

You can't do that while my
car's still running!

I'm touching the plastic.

Don't let the ends touch.

You mean like this?

How long have you worked
in Arriba's?

Serving drinks on minimum wage?

It must do for your rent,
I suppose.

Unless you're running the bar
by now.

Your first and only job.

All those years of experience.

Has it been worth it?

I'm gonna--

- Start applying tomorrow--
- I don't believe you.

If you're happy with
what you're doing, great.

But I don't think you're happy
with what you're doing.

Calum is a bit of a
dick.

But other than that, I like
working there.

Then why do I--

You wake me up every night when
you get home

to complain about your day.

Complain how much you hate
your colleagues and your job.

Why is that my nightly routine

if you're fine with what you're
doing?

Seriously.

If I hear you whinge about that
bar at the table one more time

I will tear out your tongue
and toss it in the gravy.

But hey. You gotta hand
it to her.

She's spoiled, indecisive and
she can be a total shrew
sometimes.

But Stephanie's not stupid.

- Shrew?
- It's a thing. Look it up.

She's not a shrew.

She's a handful, then. But she's
right.

You do hang onto that shite job.

Just because she can be a total
bitch doesn't mean you should
ignore her.

At least I have a girlfriend
to ignore.

Not anymore.

What was that?

Do you know what
your problem is, Rach?

You think everyone's a shrew.
But you're the shrew.

24-7, shrew, shrew, shrew.

You're surrounded by
shrews, Declan.

Sure. Stephanie can be a shrew
sometimes.

But you, you enjoy being a
shrew.

It’s shrew season, boys! Come
and get it!

First come, first served.

That's why the two of you
fought all the time, come to
think of it.

You two are so similar in your
shrewishness, you could be
soulmates.

"Rachel
is always performing
all the time."

"Rachel wants all the attention.
Hoo-bloody-hoo-hoo."

"We're her captive audience. She
literally holds you hostage."

Sorry, Steph. Do you mean
literally or figuratively?

And I bet she complained about
my singing, too.

Do you think your sister will
sing again?

What's wrong with her
singing?

She-- She--

You know what's wrong
with her singing.

She-- She--

"♪ The holly and the ivy! ♪ "

That's in tune! You did
that in tune.

So-- So you're saying she's in
tune, she's-- she's a good
singer.

Sure.

Well, she's better than
you.

"People in glass houses." And
all that.

Yeah, but I'm not the one
always making everyone listen to
my...

...concert.

No, she--

She never mentioned it.
Not to me.

You gonna give it another go?

Dexy...

It's none of my business, but...

You don't have to lie to me.

Seriously. You've no reason to
feel ashamed.

You do tend to go for
difficult women, though.

You don't have to be
dramatic about it.

I am dramatic! That's who I am
as a person.

You need to love this bit about
me as well. I’m sorry.

Think this is...

I do love that part of you.

- You clearly don't.
- You don't have to--

It doesn't have to happen,
but...

I accept it.

It's like talking to a wall!

I think I made a wrong
turn there.

So we're gonna be late,
as well. Great.

I have the same problem.

Come on, Rach.

Men aren't difficult.

Or maybe they are. But--
I suppose I wouldn't know, but--

Not in the same way.

When a woman--

dates a man--

It's more complicated than that.

Well it's a good thing
I don’t date men.

Yeah, right.

Wait.

You mean--

- You’re a--
- Yep, I am.

Really?

Really, really.

Did we not leave them connected
long enough or something?

You never told me.

Why wouldn't you tell me?

Did you tell Mum?

"Did you tell Mum?"

I don't know. I guess.

I didn't exactly hide it,
Declan.

Did you need it
on a fucking billboard?

No. Just--

How else would I know?

Declan, it's always been there.
Right in front of you.

Did you ever look?

"Look" look?

Lean in a bit closer
to see what was happening?

It doesn't sound like you did.
So you probably didn't need to
know.

That’s like don't ask, don't
tell. Isn't it?

More like don't be a
self-absorbed fucking dickhead.

Mine was catchier.

Is there any expansion on the
battery?

No, I don't think so.

Hand me your drill.

Are you sure you're not bi?

Bi is not a thing.

So... when people say--

I mean...

There's only gay, straight, or
in denial.

A bi woman is a straight hipster
out to score more brownie points

from the Woke Police.

Or a lesbian afraid to lose her
job.

I suppose other lesbians
agree with you?

I don't really care if they do.
We don't have a party manifesto.

- What about bi men?
- I don't know any bi men.

So, Lambo66 says: "leave it
connected for ten minutes."

Then we turn yours on
while mine's still running.

Then turn both off.
Disconnect mine. Try yours.

Right.

- Do you have a girlfriend?
- No.

- But in the past?
- "Partner" is the term I prefer.

But yes. A few. In the past.

Do you practice safe sex?

Like condoms?

Nevemind. That was stupid.

I keep my fingernails short.

Ouch!

Yeah. I can see that.

Sorry. I shouldn't be asking
all these--

Nah, you’re alright.

I don't want to come across all
inquisitive and all that.

Ask away, dude.

Do you watch porn?

Girls don't have to be gay to
watch porn, Declan.

I know, but--

Do you ever watch it and think
"I wish I was with that girl?”

Sometimes.

But it's different.

I don't watch what you would
call lesbian porn.

- What do you--
- You wouldn't like it.

But, yeah. I watch porn.

Not as much as you, mind.

Alright. Girl crushes.

Seriously? We're doing this?

Yes, we are.

Okay.

I'm gonna go with...

Amanda Seyfried.

I like big eyes.

Like Saoirse Ronan?

Yeah. She's hot.

Love the accent.

- You like-- Billie Eilish?
- No.

I don't do heroin chic.

Or prozac chic.
Whatever her schtick is.

- Cara Delevingne?
- No. She scares me.

- Too manly?
- No! Just...

Intense.

What about you?

I don't know.

Brie Larson's alright.

- Allison Brie.
- Ooh.

Cheesy.

Cate Blanchett.

Ahh, like the extra mature, do
you?

She ages backwards, though.

She looks younger in The Hobbit
than in The Lord of the Rings.
It's an elf thing.

It's a CGI thing, Dex.

But you do you.

What about gentlemen's clubs?

It wouldn't be called
gentlemen's clubs, I guess, but
your case.

There's no such thing as
a "ladies club."

A strip club is a strip club.

Not my thing. Kirsty's the one
you want to speak to about that.

She could get you an audition.

- Very funny.
- Pays better than Arriba's.

Even at The Horse and Angel?
Don't say you've never been.

I'm never going back,
that's for sure.

But I know a couple of
the girls there.

How they stay up right on
platform pumps with those

sticky floors, I will never
know.

Are you trying to work out if
you've had a private dance off a
lezzer?

No.

“No” [laughs] Fuck off!

Men are all the same.

Nah.

Did you ever feel...

I don't know-- attracted to
Stephanie?

Oh, my God.

What? Do you think she's ugly?

It doesn't work like that,
Declan Lesbians don't want to
shag every woman they see.

Do you?

Sorry, stupid question.

And your sister's gonna tell me
that my skirt's too short again.

She said that one time.
Like, a year and a half ago.

It was a joke as
well.

It's not funny.

She's not a funny
person.

So she says unfunny
jokes.

Your sister hates me.

She-- She's fine.

Of course. 'Cause everything
else is fine, isn't it?

Everything's fine! Everything in
our lives is wonderfully fine!

- Who cares what she
thinks, though?
- I do! I care!

Do you think Stephanie
might be a lesbian?

And now he's seeing
lesbians everywhere.

Look over there! In that bush!
Did you hear it?

Hmm.

- So she's not?
- Definitely not.

Positively not. 100 percent.

How come you're so sure?

You dated her for five years,
Declan. Can't you tell?

I lived with you for 20,
and here we are.

Self-absorbed dickhead, right?

So explain it to me.

How do you know for sure?

Did you lean in closer
to see what was happening?

Did you need to know?

What I need to know...

is how to fix your shitty car

so I can fuck off and not waste
the entire New Year on your
bullshit.

So you did fancy her?

Dude. Believe what you like.

If you fancied her,
just admit it.

It's okay.

It clearly wouldn't be,
would it?

I wouldn't blame you.
And with her gone, it doesn't
matter, but...

If you did, and
you're trying to hide it...

That must mean
there's something up.

Something up?

Maybe you wanted this to happen.

Fuck off.

Maybe you suspected she was gay
and you wanted to make your
move.

So I could split you up?
We've done this one.

Maybe she fancied you back.
Perhaps you stood a chance.

You have ridiculous fucking
ideas.

Okay. So I'm wrong.

I'm making a storm in a teacup.

You don't know if Stephanie is
lesbian or not.

And never thought about it.

Let alone felt attracted to her.

True or false?

It's a simple question, Rachel.

Can you hear how stupid you
sound? Seriously?

No, I can't.
Answer the question.

Everything is a pissing contest
with you.

Then finish it. Answer me.

- What do you want me to say?
- Just tell the truth.

Alright!

We did it!

We dated for a while.

A couple of months.
Something stupid like that.

Before she even met you.

And then we broke up.

Are you happy now?

You're lying.

Ask her, then.

Stephanie hates you.
Always hated you.

I knew it. I fucking knew it.

- Stop it.
- I can't!

I'm the gossip who badmouths the
Queen of England behind her
back!

The way she stares at you.
The way she enunciates.

The way she dresses.

Although, of course,
I'm one to talk.

Dressing all frumpy,
like I'm 50 or something.

Rachel does not think I'm great.

You're just thinking
about the skirt thing again.

Every time I
bring her up

you talk about the skirt thing.
It's like a joke.

It's not a joke.

She dresses like--

like she's 58 years old.
Even though she's 28.

She's always had that
psychology

of being older than she is.

- Did she also--
- Throw it in my face?

Loved to do it.

All the time.

- Why wouldn't she tell me?
- I know.

It doesn't make any sense.

I can't see what she had to gain
by insisting on going out with
you.

Knowing about all this mess.

Maybe her mind told her
to jump ship,

but her heart said otherwise.

Yeah. It was all because of
luuuv.

Why, then?

I don't know!

Masochism?

I mean that first night you
brought her round

to introduce her to mum and dad.

That was awkward.

I mean just from the "what the
fuck" look on her face,

I'm surprised she didn't
bolt before dessert.

What did you tell her about me?

When?

Before you brought her around to
dinner.

You’re not suggesting she knew I
was your brother before all
this mess. Are you?

Rachel, I'm beginning to worry
about you.

Yeah, it's me you need to worry
about.

Not the perfect loving
girlfriend who just

gave you the best Christmas
ever.

She was surprised to see you.
You said so yourself.

I wouldn't put it past her.
That's all I'm saying.

And none of this is
your jealousy talking again?

Whatever.

It's over. What's the point?

Stop crying over Her Majesty.

She’s sure as shit not gonna cry
over.

She'll have moved on to her next
victim.

Probably already put herself
back on the market.

That's beneath you.

If you ask me...

To Stephanie you were a quick
rebound after I dumped her.

You dumped her?

Yep.

Should have done it sooner.

Oh, fuck off.

We were together for
five years.

Yep.

We moved in together.

- We went to Spain.
- Was it Magaluf--

Shut up.

When her grandfather died,
and we couldn't get back from
Spain

and all her stuck up parents
could think

about was the funeral and the
inheritance.

I was there for her.

So take your rebound nonsense
and shove it up your arse.

You'll get over this.

You don't know what love is.

- Stop lying to yourself.
- You weren't there!

Stephanie and I were the real
thing.

Then why did she break up with
you?

Maybe you told her off once too
often

about how she takes an hour to
get ready.

And another hour to order
at the restaurant.

Or did she get more decisive
during your epic five-year
relationship?

Your appearance.

Did she scrutinize every detail
of it?

Tell you to plaster your face in
foundation?

To look [snobby British
accent] "a bit more
presentable?"

Bitch about your clothes.
Your hair. Your shoes.

All the while she stood there
dressed like a fucking bimbo.

See-through shirt and
everything!

Ready to go out in a micro-skirt
a pole dancer wouldn't wear.

But God forbid you say anything
about how she looks.

And I look like
shit.

No. You look fine. You
look great.

No! I look like shit!

Maybe shave the
eyebrows?

Fuck off.

At least tell me you
didn't criticize

her eyebrows on Christmas Day.

Oh, my God.

Is that why you fought?

It wasn't like that.

She's not like that.

What do you think
you're actually saying?

What do you think your actions
say?

I--

How are we still having this
conversation

after so much time?

There was more to it.

Okay.

Oh, please! I don't know why I
bother with you.

What have I said now?

She was smart. Funny.
Kind. Bloody self-sacrificing.

She had to be in order to be
able to endure Christmas with
you, Mum and Dad

being all hostile and
embarrassing the entire time.

I was never hostile to her
at Christmas.

Oh, never!

You were always at
your most welcoming.

The very model of courtesy.

It all makes
perfect sense now.

I must have been
too stupid to see it.

Five years is a pretty long time
to be stupid for.

Did you sleep with her while
Stephanie and I were together?

No.

Stephanie and I never fucked
while you two were together.

Jealous and competitive.

I’m running out of nice ways
to explain this to you.

- Just tell the truth.
- Let it go.

You regret dumping Stephanie.

- You want her back.
- Stop it.

You missed your chance. You
don't have the right to get her
back.

The right?

I loved her better.
Because you're incapable!

"I loved her better! You're
incapable!" Listen to yourself!

Do you know what?

A pissing contest is what you
want?

Fine! You win!

Yours is bigger.
I don't even have one!

- No balls, either.
- I don't want her!

Then why didn't you tell me
about the two of you?

Five years, Rachel.

You could have chosen
any time to tell me.

She asked me
not to say anything.

I tried to get her to tell
you herself.

This weird triangle thing.
Do you think I wanted it?

I wanted to protect you.

I did.

That night you brought her
around to meet Mum and Dad...

I’m telling you, man.
I cornered her.

I told her... I insisted that
she break up with you before--

And the truth comes out.

At last.

- Thank you, Rachel.
- No. It wasn't like that. I
swear.

She's back on the market.

Heaven forbid things
change!

That we go in a different
direction and

think about what I would like.

Well done.

I won't stop you.

I didn't sleep with her
behind your back!

What were you two talking about?

What?

At Christmas.

After dinner.
Bottom of the stairs.

I was in my bedroom. You two
were directly underneath it.

I couldn't make out what you
were saying.

But it was definitely your
voice.

Stephanie was giggling.
You shushed her.

Were you two making plans
for the holidays?

You two going on a wee date?

She was drunk.
She didn't mean anything.

And?

And she kissed me.

And?

And nothing.

She kissed me.
She went upstairs to your room.

I haven't seen her since.

- You're lying again.
- Dude!

Just a wee peck from
your ex-lesbian partner

under the mistletoe while I'm
upstairs out of here shot.

- Declan.
- Did she come to you all hot and
bothered?

Suppressed feelings? Mum and Dad
having a fag outside?

Whisper some shit in your ear.

Then the kiss.

Maybe a bit of a feel
downstairs?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

More likely the other way
around, wasn’t it?

Do you know what?

This tabloid bullshit you're
jerking off to.

You want it to be true.

Because you want
to play the victim!

Tough guy! Are you happy now?

I'm happy I got to see
who you really are.

Oh yeah, and what am I?

Begging for an
ass-kicking, is what!

"Whatever Declan wants,
Declan gets!"

You're not Mum, Rachel.
You never will be.

Hair!

I never wanted any of this.
You started it.

You started it! Five years ago!

I’m done with
your playground bullshit.

Then let go of my hair!

I'm glad I got to see what
a butch dyke cunt you are.

I know what I am.

Do you?

Little wimpy cry-baby maggot!

Don't do that.

I'm trying to stop the bleeding.

It doesn't work like that.
This is not a movie.

If it were a movie,
you'd be the bad guy.

It's not a big deal--

Why am I-- Why am I always the
bad guy?

You're not.

In this case, maybe.

But it's it's just bloody
presents.

It's not, though. It's--

It's your parents and stupid
sister--

She's not stupid. She's great.
She's nice.

You're not the bad guy!

Make-your-girlfriend-mad type?

♪ Might-seduce-your-Dad type ♪

♪ I'm the bad guy... ♪

♪ Duh ♪

I can't help it. Born this way.

Was I always like
this?

No, you weren't.
You're not--

a nagging, naggy--

You just said "you weren't." As
if you're saying that I am now.

You weren't and aren't.
That's the definition of a
"never."

That's not what you were saying.

I'm sorry.
You've been upset for a while.

And I know it seems like
I don't notice it. But I do.

I'm sorry. I should have been
more helpful.

If you noticed,
why didn't you say anything?

I-- I want to make you
happy.

Did you?

Every day of my life.
Since I turned 20.

What about your happiness?

I was terrified of
moving in with her.

I thought we could learn
together how better to be--

Ourselves.

Not just a son.
Or a daughter. Or an in-law.

Maybe it was too soon. I don't
know.

I was wrong about you.

Seriously.

For years I thought you were
just a casual misogynist.

Rachel, all that stuff I was
saying--

I know.

That’s not who you are.
You’re nice and all.

But some guys are like,
"nice" nice. You know?

"I’m so woke. I'm a feminist.
I'm a nice guy!"

Like it’s a job interview
or something.

Just scared, intimidated little
boys

who resent women for their
failures.

And for their successes.

I'm sorry I misjudged you like
that.

Why?

Why do I have
to make the sacrifices?

And you-- you just live your
life how you want to.

You get to keep being stubborn.

Keep doing things
on your terms. On your path.

Because you know, "Oh well, I
know better than you."

I know how this industry works,
I know how this works,

and I
know, you know, how to speak to
this person and you,

you're just a stupid little girl
and you can just,

you can just make the
sacrifices, even though you earn
more."

Yeah, I do earn more.

I know you don't like that.
I know that it's shit.

But that's just how it is!

I don't think I do
make you happy.

You just seem angry, or...

Not angry. In fact, the
opposite.

You just--

You just--

placate.

Placate?
I'm not familiar with that word.

I just mean--

It's like--

Papering over the cracks.

I'm sorry I was--

Don't fucking say sorry!

It's not fair!

God, I'm so stupid.

Let's have one last go at the
car.

Wait.

Shit.

Negative then positive. Always.

I won't mind it, you know.

Won't mind what?

You and Stephanie
getting back together again.

I won't stop you.

Go get her, Rach.
You have my blessing.

What?

Do I literally have to beat some
sense into your thick head?
Twice?

What do you mean?

First, the day I want a
blessing,

I'll go to a fucking church.

I don't want
to get back with Stephanie.

It's okay. I get it.

You clearly don't.

Now you're the one lying to
yourself. Just tell the truth!

Seriously.
What is wrong with you?

You and I literally fought over
her.

If that doesn't prove you still
have feelings for Stephanie,

I don't know what does.

- Where are you going?
- Home.

What about the car?

What did I do wrong
now?

Stephanie is not
a fucking lesbian.

I am. She's not.

End of.

And she's not bi
either, I suppose?

I don't care.

She can get her brownie points
from someone else.

You don't know the first thing
about Stephanie.

She doesn't care for brownie
points.

Five years with you.

Two months with me.

You do the math.

It was you who broke up with
her!

And I’d do it again.

Because she doesn't fit
into your manifesto?

You couldn't give her
what she wanted.

Neither could you.

Not that I want you
to get angry with me,

but I just--

Any kind of...

Any kind of heightened
state of emotion would be.

I want you to feel
the good things as well.

I do feel the good things.

You don't tell me
you feel the good things.

You think I don't like
being with you?

Well, I think you enjoy my
company, but I think you'd
also--

You'd also enjoy
the company of your cat.

Of course-- I--

I love you.

It's because of the job thing.

I've not been myself recently,
so--

I'm sorry if I've...

...not shown...

...love and stuff.

- I mean--
- "Love and stuff."

That's a bad way of phrasing it.
Sorry.

I want it to be
more...

...exciting than "love and
stuff."

Maybe that’s greedy.

She wasn't greedy.

I was.

Hey.

Look at me.

Any girl that would shack up

with her ex-girlfriend's
brother...

Nobody can give her
what she wants.

I really do love you.

It's just not the same.

Look at me.

We still have Christmas.

One more Christmas.

Yeah.

Give it another go?

Leave it. Call your insurance.
Get it towed.

Better yet: I'll call my
breakdown cover directly.

You have breakdown cover?

Yeah. Of course.

So you mean all this time we--

Declan, you are unbelievable.

We still have the Christmas
tree.

Pick of the bunch.

That's you.

You're a--

I'm trying to think of
a Lidl-based joke.

"Take another Lidl piece
of my heart, now."

Comparing you to Lidl.
Is that the step too far?

Nah. You're Waitrose, baby.

Marks & Spencers.

No, definitely
Waitrose.

It's the accent.

You know what it's like down
South.

Just a Waitrose on every corner.

Yeah. See?

I never said it. She did.

It's not her fault
she was born like that.

With a silver spoon in
her checkout.

And a stick up her bagging area.

You hate her because
she's good with makeup.

You hate her because she's posh.

- You mean English.
- Same difference.

Starting route guidance.

"Oh, do
shut up, I say."

"Aye,
shut yer hole and git tae fuck,
ya wee slag."

♪ Should auld
Acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought tae mind ♪

♪ Should auld acquaintance be
Forgot ♪

♪ And Auld Lang Syne ♪

♪ For Auld Lang Syne, my Joe ♪

♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪

♪ We'll tak a cup o' kindness,
Yet ♪

♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪

♪ We twa hae
Run about the braes ♪

♪ And pu'd the Gowans fine ♪

♪ But we've wandered mony a
Weary fit ♪

♪ Sin Auld Lang Syne ♪

♪ And here's a
Hand my trusty feare ♪

♪ And gies a hand o' thine ♪

♪ And we'll tak a cup o'
Kindness yet ♪

♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪

♪ For Auld Lang Syne, my Joe ♪

♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪

♪ We'll tak a cup o' kindness
Yet ♪

♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪

Declan, you are
unbelievable.