subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Stop.That.Train.2026.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.GG - YTS.BZ].SDH.eng

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic Download

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French Download

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish Download

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 3 00:00:30,900 --> 00:00:32,902 [dramatic music playing] 4 00:01:02,975 --> 00:01:04,803 [bright music playing] 5 00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:26,407 [adventurous music playing] 6 00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:47,428 [music ends] 7 00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:59,266 - [announcer] Luxury. - [chorus] Luxury. 8 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,268 - [announcer] Opulence. - [chorus] Opulence. 9 00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,226 - [announcer] Hot people. - [chorus] Hot people. 10 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,663 [announcer] Here on the Glamazonian Express, 11 00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:09,101 every journey is the height of extravagance 12 00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:11,191 and wasteful excess. 13 00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:15,891 - Oops.[giggles] - ♪ Glamazonian ♪ 14 00:03:16,065 --> 00:03:18,720 [announcer] There's more where that came from. 15 00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:21,810 You can't beat Glamazonian's five-star service. 16 00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:22,941 I'll take this one. 17 00:03:23,638 --> 00:03:25,596 ♪ Smoke ♪ 18 00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:28,338 I love my wife and kids, 19 00:03:28,512 --> 00:03:31,080 but Glamazonian helps me get away once in a while. 20 00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:33,909 Sometimes you just need a weekend with the boys. 21 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:34,953 - What's your name? - ♪ Dudes ♪ 22 00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:36,694 Don't answer that. 23 00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:38,914 [announcer] Because we're not just America's 24 00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:41,525 first transcontinental bullet train. 25 00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:43,266 We're your family. 26 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,573 If your family was a bunch of rich, 27 00:03:45,747 --> 00:03:48,837 successful ladies in shoulder pads. 28 00:03:49,011 --> 00:03:51,231 - ♪ Shoulder pads ♪ - Glamazonian Express. 29 00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,929 Travel Glamazoniously. 30 00:03:54,103 --> 00:03:56,758 [DeeDee] Look at them. They're perfect. 31 00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:58,977 [Tess] Could you imagine us like that, 32 00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:01,328 traveling the country in a skirt suit? 33 00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:04,679 Finally in a high-speed line. No more commuter rail. 34 00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:06,985 Staying in luxury hotels. 35 00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:09,466 Like a ski chalet in Aspen. 36 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,599 Where a couple muscled-up Swiss twins 37 00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:13,905 walk up to us at the hot tub, and they're like, 38 00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:15,864 "Maybe we should take this party upstairs." 39 00:04:16,038 --> 00:04:17,605 Oh, but then we're like, "Sorry, boys. 40 00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:20,042 We are both married to men who work in 41 00:04:20,216 --> 00:04:22,523 - commercial real estate." - Commercial real estate. 42 00:04:22,697 --> 00:04:26,788 But we have consensual kink positive sex with them anyway. 43 00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:30,835 And get this. We both reach climax at the same exact time 44 00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:34,448 while eyes locked from the twin beds in our shared room. 45 00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,537 Or even separate rooms. 46 00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:39,235 - Oh. - Oh. 47 00:04:39,409 --> 00:04:41,585 Yeah. Thank you. 48 00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:44,196 - Did you hear about Luann? - What a loss. 49 00:04:44,371 --> 00:04:46,503 She was the best cafe car girl out there. 50 00:04:48,592 --> 00:04:50,855 [woman over PA] Now boarding train 16 51 00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:54,511 to Six Flags Guantanamo Bay. 52 00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:56,426 Tess and DeeDee. 53 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,210 - Hey, Barb. Checking in. - Hey, Barb. Checking in. 54 00:04:58,385 --> 00:05:00,256 Oh, busy train today, huh? 55 00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:02,302 [DeeDee] She's really getting 56 00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:03,477 in there. 57 00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:06,306 [Barbra] More like no train. 58 00:05:06,958 --> 00:05:09,874 Here. They're letting us girls go. 59 00:05:10,048 --> 00:05:11,876 Shutting the whole thing down. 60 00:05:12,050 --> 00:05:14,618 What? They can't shut down a whole train line. 61 00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:16,316 They can if it's called Stank Rail, 62 00:05:16,490 --> 00:05:18,361 and only stops in three sad cities. 63 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:20,494 One of which just got swallowed up by a mine fire 64 00:05:20,668 --> 00:05:22,583 that's been burning up for 60 years. 65 00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,019 Barb, what are you gonna do? 66 00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:26,064 Girl, I got a few odd jobs lined up. 67 00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:27,892 You know, a little light sex work. 68 00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:29,807 Maybe get pregnant. Maybe I'll sell my hair. 69 00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:31,853 Isn't that the plot of Les Misérables? 70 00:05:32,027 --> 00:05:35,247 Girl, I got a feeling this lez is gonna be far from miserable. 71 00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:37,946 - Barbra out. - [woman over PA] Now boarding 72 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:42,472 train 582 to Pyongyang, North Korea. 73 00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:44,039 I'll miss this. 74 00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:48,652 Fantasizing about where everyone's traveling to. 75 00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:49,827 Like him. 76 00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:52,134 [wistful accordion music plays] 77 00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:54,266 He could be going anywhere. 78 00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:56,878 Deedles, what happened to us? 79 00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,271 I mean, we've been doing this for what, 80 00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:01,883 like 10 years now. 81 00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:03,754 And I just thought we'd be... 82 00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,975 I don't know. Just, like, something. 83 00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:11,066 Know what this is? 84 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:15,331 Oh, my God. Is that our yearbook from Train Hostess Academy? 85 00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,421 I always keep it in my carry-on. 86 00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:23,426 [Tess] Aw, look how young we were. Well, kind of. 87 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,734 DeeDee, do you remember when we first met each other 88 00:06:26,908 --> 00:06:29,954 in the showers after that luggage-lifting seminar? 89 00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:35,133 We promised each other that we would see the world together. 90 00:06:35,786 --> 00:06:38,398 You know, climb every mountain, 91 00:06:38,572 --> 00:06:40,530 ford every stream. 92 00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:44,665 See the Dakotas, both Fanning and Johnson. 93 00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:48,233 Oh, visit the world wonders like the Grand Canyon 94 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:52,673 and those four gay guys stuck on that mountain. 95 00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:56,067 And then we were gonna give birth together in Tijuana, 96 00:06:56,241 --> 00:06:58,243 you know, just to prove to everybody 97 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,071 that their healthcare system isn't really as bad 98 00:07:00,245 --> 00:07:01,899 as everybody says it is. 99 00:07:02,596 --> 00:07:06,513 Oh, we were gonna explore all the different cultures 100 00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:08,776 and countries 101 00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:11,561 and bathrooms because of your whole bladder thing. 102 00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:16,784 Glamazonian better find 103 00:07:17,045 --> 00:07:19,656 two replacements soon if those two girls don't show up. 104 00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:22,006 - Where are they? - Last time I saw them, 105 00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:24,095 they were in the ski chalet hot tub. 106 00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:26,924 They're probably still with those Swiss twins. 107 00:07:27,098 --> 00:07:29,492 Ugh. I hate twins. If you have sex with one, 108 00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:30,928 you legally have to have sex with the other 109 00:07:31,102 --> 00:07:32,495 or else you go to jail. 110 00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:35,063 [Ayshleiygh] Glamazonian will take anyone at this point. 111 00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:36,717 Even girls with big gums. 112 00:07:36,891 --> 00:07:40,198 Or worse, those girls from Stank Rail. 113 00:07:45,552 --> 00:07:46,596 - [Alli] Don't look at me. - [Ayshleiygh] No. 114 00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:47,728 [DeeDee] Okay. 115 00:07:49,991 --> 00:07:51,471 DeeDee, did you hear that? 116 00:07:51,645 --> 00:07:53,951 My doctor says it's a pressurized urethra. 117 00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:57,215 No, Glamazonian is looking for two replacements. 118 00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:58,826 Now, that could be us. 119 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,610 Tess, it's over. 120 00:08:01,219 --> 00:08:04,135 It's time to go back to working at my parents' glue factory. 121 00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:08,313 DeeDee. DeeDee, wait. 122 00:08:09,924 --> 00:08:11,839 DeeDee. No. 123 00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:16,017 Oh, come out of there. Weren't you just in here? 124 00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:17,366 [DeeDee] I really like it in here. 125 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,239 Besides, it's not like I have anywhere else to go today. 126 00:08:21,413 --> 00:08:22,893 Don't you remember what you told me 127 00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,330 our first day of Train Hostess Academy? 128 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:28,377 "I'm only here because I don't wanna join the army"? 129 00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:29,596 The other thing. 130 00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:31,249 "My favorite spice is pudding"? 131 00:08:31,423 --> 00:08:32,294 The other thing. 132 00:08:32,468 --> 00:08:33,687 "I'm on the run 133 00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:34,992 and nobody knows I'm here"? 134 00:08:35,558 --> 00:08:37,952 The other, other thing. 135 00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,260 We were going to see America. 136 00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:46,308 DeeDee, this is our chance. 137 00:08:47,309 --> 00:08:49,790 [inspirational music playing] 138 00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,795 [gasps] Look. 139 00:08:57,406 --> 00:08:59,408 DeeDee, are you thinking what I'm thinking? 140 00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:02,454 "If mermaids exist, shouldn't there be mer-butlers?" 141 00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:04,500 The other thing. 142 00:09:05,414 --> 00:09:07,111 "Are all ghosts naked?" 143 00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:09,679 The other, other thing. 144 00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:10,985 "Do you wanna scissor?" 145 00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:12,029 DeeDee! 146 00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:17,078 Look. 147 00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:19,428 Uh-huh. 148 00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:21,430 Okay. You bring that over there, 149 00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:23,954 and I'll just start splitting the pants. 150 00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:28,916 [DeeDee] This is gonna look just like their uniforms. 151 00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:34,574 [Tess] We're gonna look so Glamazonian. 152 00:09:36,097 --> 00:09:37,925 [man over PA] We are experiencing further delays 153 00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:39,622 on the Glamazonian Express 154 00:09:39,883 --> 00:09:42,103 because two bitches decided to not show up. 155 00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:43,670 Well, they said there would be replacements. 156 00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:45,280 Where the hell are they? 157 00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,412 [Tess] We're right here. 158 00:09:49,110 --> 00:09:50,633 [wife] What are they wearing? 159 00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:52,766 [husband] You are always so critical of other women. 160 00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:54,463 "Look at their ill-fitting uniforms." 161 00:09:54,637 --> 00:09:56,378 It looks like they were designed by Edward Scissor-fuck. 162 00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:57,771 [gasps] 163 00:09:57,945 --> 00:09:59,337 - You know what? - I didn't mean that. 164 00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:00,512 Girls. Girls. 165 00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:01,992 Barbra. 166 00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:03,341 You work at Glamazonian now? 167 00:10:03,515 --> 00:10:05,605 Looks like we had the same idea. 168 00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:07,998 You gotta take work where you can get it, right? 169 00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:09,565 - Thank you. - [woman over PA] Now boarding 170 00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:11,698 couples that shouldn't be together. 171 00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:13,264 - She's the one who started it. - I didn't start anything. 172 00:10:13,438 --> 00:10:14,222 Look at my face. 173 00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:15,397 Use your words. 174 00:10:15,571 --> 00:10:17,181 My words are fuck you! 175 00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:20,402 [exciting music playing] 176 00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,931 - [Tess gasps] - [DeeDee] Oh. 177 00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:29,716 [Tess] Luxury. 178 00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:31,848 Opulence. 179 00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:33,894 [Amber] Puke. 180 00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:38,115 As in what's currently rising up in my esophagus 181 00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:41,989 while I wonder why two sad mole people are in my first class. 182 00:10:42,163 --> 00:10:44,034 - [Ayshleiygh] Mm-hm. - [Tess] Oh. 183 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:48,865 Look, Deedles, it's Amber from Train Hostess Academy. 184 00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:52,434 Oh, my God, Tess? It's been a minute, girl. 185 00:10:52,608 --> 00:10:55,829 I didn't recognize you with all the crow's feet and sun damage. 186 00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:57,221 [chuckling] 187 00:10:57,395 --> 00:11:00,268 And DeeDee, you look... 188 00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:02,183 completely different. 189 00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:04,794 - Thank you. - [Amber] Let me guess. 190 00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:08,058 - Stroke? - [DeeDee] No. Hi, Alli. 191 00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:09,886 And... 192 00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:14,717 Ash? Ay-ash? 193 00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,980 Ai-ush-li... Ash-le-gweh. 194 00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:21,202 I'm not really sure how to say it. 195 00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:24,161 Uh... Don't worry, you won't. 196 00:11:24,335 --> 00:11:26,686 It's so weird we've never worked together before. 197 00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:29,036 How long have you two been Glamazonians? 198 00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:31,038 - Oh, it's our first day. - Oh, like, like... 199 00:11:31,212 --> 00:11:33,214 - Our whole lives. Entire lives. - Our entire lives. 200 00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:34,650 Oh, sure. 201 00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:37,174 I remember coach like it was yesterday. 202 00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:39,829 Oh, wait. No, I don't. 203 00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:41,831 We were put into first class right after graduation. 204 00:11:42,005 --> 00:11:43,398 [laughing] 205 00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:46,836 Let's just say we made a good impression. 206 00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,882 Oh, you slept your way to the top. 207 00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:50,927 How dare you? 208 00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:53,234 - [Ayshleiygh groans] - We barely slept at all. 209 00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:56,019 We were too busy having sex with powerful railroad people. 210 00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:57,238 - Yeah. - Fuck! 211 00:11:58,152 --> 00:12:01,546 [Amber] You see? This is exactly why we don't talk to you two. 212 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,723 You've always been so mean to us. 213 00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:06,421 - Rude. - Alli, Ayshleiygh. 214 00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:08,162 Let's go, girls. 215 00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:10,425 [announcer over PA] Now boarding the Glamazonian Express 216 00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:13,471 non-stop to Celebration, Florida. 217 00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:17,693 Wow. They've gotten so much nicer since the academy. 218 00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:19,216 Totally. 219 00:12:19,390 --> 00:12:20,783 [gasps] Oh, my God, DeeDee, look. 220 00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:22,611 Look who's getting on the train over there. 221 00:12:27,485 --> 00:12:29,400 Cal. The conductor voted 222 00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:31,838 "Number 1 Conductor We Want to See the Dick Of" 223 00:12:32,012 --> 00:12:34,797 in Conductors We Want to See the Dick Of Magazine. 224 00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:43,763 [Tess] Yeah, but why is he walking so slow? 225 00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:46,374 He doesn't even know I exist. 226 00:12:46,548 --> 00:12:48,506 Oh, you should introduce yourself to him. 227 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,421 - Cal. Cal, hey! - Tess. 228 00:12:53,685 --> 00:12:56,427 Good morning, Conductor Davenport. 229 00:12:56,601 --> 00:12:58,516 - Oh, morning, Cal. - [cat yowls] 230 00:12:58,690 --> 00:12:59,691 How's it hanging? 231 00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:02,477 Slightly to the left as usual. 232 00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:03,608 Fantastic. 233 00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:06,394 Good morning, passengers. 234 00:13:06,568 --> 00:13:08,744 This is your Conductor Davenport speaking. 235 00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:11,399 Welcome aboard the Glamazonian Express. 236 00:13:11,573 --> 00:13:15,272 Departing sunny Los Angeles, City of Angels, 237 00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:18,232 and one hell-spawned succubus named Sharon 238 00:13:18,406 --> 00:13:21,148 who ripped my heart out and tore me away from my kids. 239 00:13:21,322 --> 00:13:22,758 - We don't need to get into it. - We have the chicken noodle. 240 00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:23,846 - Unless you guys want to. - Beef barley. 241 00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:25,587 And my favorite, clam chowder. 242 00:13:25,761 --> 00:13:28,068 [man] Perfect. I'll take the Denver omelet. 243 00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:30,984 Excuse me, would you mind helping me with my mother? 244 00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:33,900 - Of course. - Thank you. 245 00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:36,076 - Just grab the other side. - Oh. 246 00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:37,512 [Davenport] Although we started out as friends, 247 00:13:37,686 --> 00:13:39,209 it quickly became apparent 248 00:13:39,383 --> 00:13:41,429 that there was more to our relationship. 249 00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:44,127 Our love blossomed and grew during high school. 250 00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:46,651 And we decided, let's do it for real. 251 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:50,481 We got married. At first, ours was a life of bliss and joy. 252 00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:53,049 But then things started to change. 253 00:13:53,223 --> 00:13:54,529 I developed a drug habit, 254 00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,880 and Sharon decided she didn't want to be around that anymore. 255 00:13:58,054 --> 00:13:59,751 They had us waiting for 30 minutes, 256 00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:02,015 which is actually an hour. 257 00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:05,366 I mean, Jocelyn, you told me this was a luxury train car. 258 00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:08,021 - I highly-- - [whispering] Excuse me. Hi. Hi. 259 00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:09,544 This is the quiet car. 260 00:14:09,718 --> 00:14:12,199 You can take that into the loud car. 261 00:14:12,373 --> 00:14:13,896 Hold on. I can't hear you. 262 00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:16,290 - Just take it to the loud car. - I can't hear you. 263 00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:17,552 [shouting] Take it to the loud car! 264 00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:18,945 [softly] Please. 265 00:14:19,162 --> 00:14:20,990 I think a train hostess just hit on me. 266 00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:22,687 - I am so hungry. - [Davenport] We could make it. 267 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,386 And she got pregnant. We had our son. 268 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,041 But then the drug habit escalated to me giving hand jobs 269 00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:30,260 under bridges for H. 270 00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:32,436 The "H" stands for "heroin." 271 00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:35,787 I made some great friends under those bridges. 272 00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:38,878 Oh, well. We'll be departing shortly. 273 00:14:39,052 --> 00:14:40,140 Our trusty pit crew is just finishing up 274 00:14:40,314 --> 00:14:42,142 some routine maintenance. 275 00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:50,411 Let's go. 276 00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:55,764 [laughing] 277 00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:57,592 By the way, it's not illegal to huff paint 278 00:14:57,766 --> 00:14:58,941 next to your four-year-old son. 279 00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:00,725 I looked it up. 280 00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:06,731 Oh, my God. No way. Are you...? 281 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,342 I am. 282 00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:09,821 Oh, but I would really appreciate it 283 00:15:10,083 --> 00:15:11,823 if you don't make a big deal of it. 284 00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:14,130 I try to keep a low profile when I'm traveling. 285 00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:16,132 Are you sitting in my seat? 286 00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:17,525 I paid for the window. 287 00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:19,701 Move. 288 00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:34,803 My God. What an ass. 289 00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:37,240 Welcome aboard. 290 00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:39,155 You're sitting next to the beautiful redhead 291 00:15:39,329 --> 00:15:40,983 right over there. 292 00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:43,943 - Welcome aboard. - [Davenport] Before we depart, 293 00:15:44,117 --> 00:15:46,684 I'll turn it over to your lovely rail attendants 294 00:15:46,858 --> 00:15:48,164 for your safety presentation. 295 00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:49,949 Ladies and gentlemen, 296 00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:51,602 can you please direct your attention 297 00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:54,736 to the front of the cabin? 298 00:15:54,910 --> 00:15:56,433 [upbeat music playing] 299 00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:58,392 DeeDee, what's going on? 300 00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:00,611 [Amber] And a-five, six, seven, eight. 301 00:16:00,785 --> 00:16:03,484 [gasps] I think we're being hijacked. 302 00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:05,834 ♪ Pay attention ♪ 303 00:16:06,574 --> 00:16:07,705 ♪ Shut up ♪ 304 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:12,101 ♪ We got some instructions To keep you tightened up ♪ 305 00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:15,452 ♪ For the duration of the ride Stay inside ♪ 306 00:16:15,626 --> 00:16:17,933 ♪ Remain in your seat ♪ 307 00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:19,848 ♪ Sit the fuck down ♪ 308 00:16:20,457 --> 00:16:22,372 ♪ Keep it buckled Don't cause trouble ♪ 309 00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:26,289 ♪ Keep your luggage down Under your feet ♪ 310 00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:28,117 - ♪ Even the dog ♪ - [dog barks] 311 00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:30,337 ♪ No liquids over four ounces ♪ 312 00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:33,818 ♪ And no lithium batteries ♪ 313 00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:36,299 ♪ They could explode ♪ 314 00:16:36,473 --> 00:16:38,345 ♪ Read your pamphlet Know your exits ♪ 315 00:16:38,519 --> 00:16:41,826 ♪ In case There is an emergency ♪ 316 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,177 ♪ Like if we explode ♪ 317 00:16:44,351 --> 00:16:48,268 ♪ Now take everything we said And delete it from your brain ♪ 318 00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:52,968 ♪ 'Cause there ain't no rules When you're riding on a train ♪ 319 00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:56,406 ♪ Bring your drugs It's time to play ♪ 320 00:16:56,580 --> 00:17:00,454 ♪ 'Cause there ain't no TSA ♪ 321 00:17:00,628 --> 00:17:04,371 ♪ Get on up and celebrate ♪ 322 00:17:04,545 --> 00:17:09,071 ♪ We're like If Amtrak was gay ♪ 323 00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:10,681 ♪ Roll call ♪ 324 00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:12,770 ♪ Alli here, hand me your bag ♪ 325 00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,555 ♪ I'll throw 'em in the bin And give 'em a tag ♪ 326 00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:16,731 ♪ Hit the button Ask for Ayshleiygh ♪ 327 00:17:16,905 --> 00:17:18,907 ♪ Snacks and drinks I'm on my way ♪ 328 00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,778 ♪ Amber, Amber First-class queen ♪ 329 00:17:20,952 --> 00:17:23,129 ♪ Need some coffee? I got extra cream ♪ 330 00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:24,304 - [music stops] - I'm Tess. 331 00:17:24,478 --> 00:17:25,696 One time, I ate a magnet 332 00:17:25,870 --> 00:17:27,437 and got stuck to a flagpole. 333 00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:30,179 DeeDee. I was born with adult teeth. 334 00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:33,922 [music resumes] 335 00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:37,534 ♪ Bring your drugs It's time to play ♪ 336 00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:41,973 ♪ 'Cause there ain't no TSA ♪ 337 00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:46,195 ♪ Get on up and celebrate ♪ 338 00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:50,417 ♪ We're like If Amtrak was gay ♪ 339 00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:53,376 ♪ Sit the fuck down ♪ 340 00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:54,334 [music ends] 341 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:02,690 Ladies and gentlemen, please prepare for departure. 342 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,391 We nailed it. 343 00:18:20,882 --> 00:18:23,624 [man] Pull the levers of the trolley onto the one person. 344 00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:25,147 Hey, guys, we got another trolley problem. 345 00:18:27,671 --> 00:18:29,804 Ooh, yes, bitch, you're fierce! 346 00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:33,242 Dispatcher to train 108, you are cleared for departure. 347 00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:36,376 It is more of a "chugga-chugga" or a "choo-choo"? 348 00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:38,552 [whistle toots weakly] 349 00:18:40,945 --> 00:18:42,295 Donna Dusk online. 350 00:18:45,820 --> 00:18:47,778 Zoom in on current weather trajectory. 351 00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:49,824 Too close. 352 00:18:58,354 --> 00:19:00,356 Good God. 353 00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:05,492 Per my calculations, we are looking at 354 00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,450 an unprecedented weather event. 355 00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,757 Hurricane, hailstorms, multiple tornadoes. 356 00:19:09,931 --> 00:19:11,846 And that's just the beginning. 357 00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:13,326 In English, please. 358 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,676 It's gonna be a disaster. 359 00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:17,068 In Spanish, please. 360 00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:18,896 [speaking Spanish] 361 00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:20,420 In Mandarin, please? 362 00:19:20,594 --> 00:19:22,770 [speaking Mandarin] 363 00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:24,424 There's little historical evidence 364 00:19:24,598 --> 00:19:25,990 that something like this even exists, 365 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,645 but only because so few have survived it. 366 00:19:29,342 --> 00:19:31,039 The ancient Egyptians feared 367 00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:33,650 that it was divine retribution from the gods, 368 00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:35,478 and they had a name for it. 369 00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:39,874 Stormaganza. 370 00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:41,092 [foreboding sting plays] 371 00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:44,183 [all murmuring] Stormaganza? 372 00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:48,839 Donna, when I hired you, I took a chance. 373 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,625 Hire a woman with glasses, they said. 374 00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:54,062 Preferably a hot one, so everyone in the office 375 00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:57,065 could start a pool for who could have sex with her first. 376 00:19:57,239 --> 00:19:59,198 I had my money on that psycho. 377 00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:00,590 He's a dog. 378 00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:04,942 I can see now I made the right choice. 379 00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:12,602 Because this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 380 00:20:12,776 --> 00:20:16,171 [laughing] A stormaganza. What? 381 00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:18,826 That's so gay. 382 00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,002 Who are you? 383 00:20:21,176 --> 00:20:23,091 I'm Barbra. You just hired me. 384 00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:24,484 - I did? - Mm-hmm. 385 00:20:24,658 --> 00:20:26,007 Sir, no, you don't understand. 386 00:20:26,181 --> 00:20:28,052 We need to stop all the trains right now. 387 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,706 I just saw there's a Glamazonian Express 388 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,143 that's headed for the center of the storm. 389 00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:33,667 Oh, yeah? How about you stop this? 390 00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:35,059 [laughing] 391 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,278 Did someone order a noogie? 392 00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:37,671 Uh-oh, Donna did. 393 00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:40,021 Whatever. 394 00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,593 May God have mercy on their souls. 395 00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:49,857 Souls? Baby, let's start with that hair. 396 00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:55,166 Honey, are you sure you're okay to be traveling alone? 397 00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:58,213 It's just a train. What could possibly go wrong? 398 00:20:58,387 --> 00:21:00,041 Just make sure you keep your service animal 399 00:21:00,215 --> 00:21:02,435 inside its crate at all times. 400 00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:04,785 In fact, let me go ahead and check that safety latch. 401 00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:06,177 Have at it. 402 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,661 Seems good to me. 403 00:21:18,886 --> 00:21:21,062 Oh, boy, look at you. 404 00:21:21,236 --> 00:21:23,804 - Uh-huh. - How far along? 405 00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:27,329 - Nine months. - Wow, congratulations. 406 00:21:27,503 --> 00:21:29,200 I love babies. 407 00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:31,594 In utero. 408 00:21:32,247 --> 00:21:34,597 Not outside of a belly. Nope. 409 00:21:35,206 --> 00:21:36,556 If you had a baby right now, 410 00:21:36,730 --> 00:21:38,297 everyone on this train would hate you. 411 00:21:38,471 --> 00:21:39,994 Loud. 412 00:21:41,125 --> 00:21:42,953 [chuckles] Good thing. 413 00:21:43,127 --> 00:21:46,261 Well, luckily, he's not due for another... 414 00:21:49,395 --> 00:21:50,570 [woman groans] 415 00:21:54,443 --> 00:21:55,531 Hi. 416 00:21:57,881 --> 00:21:58,969 Whatcha doing? 417 00:22:00,928 --> 00:22:03,278 I'm newly divorced. 418 00:22:04,235 --> 00:22:08,718 I've been married 20 years. Just like that. 419 00:22:08,892 --> 00:22:10,764 Never felt so free in my life. 420 00:22:12,679 --> 00:22:17,205 Have you read the book Eat, Pray, Love? 421 00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:20,774 I'm in the... I'm in the "eat" part right now. 422 00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:26,606 [divorcee moaning] 423 00:22:29,086 --> 00:22:31,262 - [Cal] How does this work? - [Davenport] Turn to the left... 424 00:22:33,177 --> 00:22:35,919 I'm so sorry. Did I hit you? 425 00:22:36,093 --> 00:22:38,531 Oh, no, I'm completely fine. 426 00:22:38,705 --> 00:22:40,489 You're bleeding a lot. 427 00:22:41,185 --> 00:22:43,362 Oh, this? It's nothing. 428 00:22:44,101 --> 00:22:46,277 Doors. Am I right? 429 00:22:46,452 --> 00:22:49,498 [both laughing] 430 00:22:49,672 --> 00:22:51,587 I didn't know girls could be so funny. 431 00:22:53,328 --> 00:22:54,764 Really nice talking to you. 432 00:22:55,678 --> 00:22:56,636 DeeDee. 433 00:22:56,810 --> 00:22:57,985 I'm Cal. 434 00:22:58,812 --> 00:23:00,204 Cal. 435 00:23:05,558 --> 00:23:07,037 [beeping] 436 00:23:07,211 --> 00:23:09,475 Hello? Where's my coffee? 437 00:23:09,953 --> 00:23:11,259 Hello? 438 00:23:11,912 --> 00:23:14,218 Deedles, all of the passengers are hitting the help button. 439 00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:15,655 How's that drink cart coming? 440 00:23:15,829 --> 00:23:17,483 We're out of milk. Where'd it go? 441 00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:18,745 [Amber] Milk, anyone? 442 00:23:19,702 --> 00:23:22,009 Milk? Milk? 443 00:23:22,749 --> 00:23:23,576 Milk? 444 00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:24,707 [woman] Hello? 445 00:23:24,881 --> 00:23:26,361 Deedles, all these passengers 446 00:23:26,535 --> 00:23:28,363 are so much nicer than the ones on Stank Rail. 447 00:23:28,537 --> 00:23:30,060 We have got to do a good job for them. 448 00:23:30,234 --> 00:23:31,758 I'm going in without it. 449 00:23:31,932 --> 00:23:33,150 How do we look? 450 00:23:33,324 --> 00:23:35,414 [both] Boop! Boop! 451 00:23:35,588 --> 00:23:36,719 [both] Gorge. 452 00:23:36,893 --> 00:23:37,807 [both giggle] 453 00:23:42,159 --> 00:23:44,771 [sweeping music playing] 454 00:23:51,517 --> 00:23:52,648 On the rocks? 455 00:23:52,822 --> 00:23:54,084 Neat. 456 00:23:55,172 --> 00:23:57,740 [kid] Who made this evaluation? A fucking kindergartener? 457 00:23:57,914 --> 00:24:00,874 I'm telling you, we should sell short. 458 00:24:01,048 --> 00:24:03,572 One tepid flat water with olives. 459 00:24:04,573 --> 00:24:06,532 [foreboding music plays] 460 00:24:11,624 --> 00:24:13,060 Drinks? 461 00:24:13,364 --> 00:24:15,105 [Donna] Train Control to Glamazonian Express. 462 00:24:15,279 --> 00:24:18,587 Train Control to Glamazonian Express. Do you copy? 463 00:24:18,761 --> 00:24:20,067 Deedles, you left one of your programs 464 00:24:20,241 --> 00:24:21,590 up on the monitor again. 465 00:24:21,764 --> 00:24:23,505 My name is Donna Dusk. 466 00:24:23,679 --> 00:24:25,812 Oh, it's one of those makeover shows 467 00:24:25,986 --> 00:24:27,204 where they take the glasses off 468 00:24:27,378 --> 00:24:28,902 and suddenly the ugly girl's pretty. 469 00:24:29,076 --> 00:24:30,381 If you don't listen to everything I say, 470 00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:31,731 you are all going to die. 471 00:24:32,819 --> 00:24:36,126 Look, I don't know if you're the conductor, or some passengers, 472 00:24:36,300 --> 00:24:38,346 or a train attendant, or a bar cabin chef, 473 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,783 or a ragtag group of boxcar children. 474 00:24:40,957 --> 00:24:42,568 Okay, I don't care about that. 475 00:24:42,742 --> 00:24:44,047 You're headed into a stormaganza. 476 00:24:44,221 --> 00:24:47,442 Do you hear me? A storm-a-ga-nza. 477 00:24:47,616 --> 00:24:49,705 So, we are counting on you. You're our last hope. 478 00:24:52,926 --> 00:24:54,754 This is our moment. 479 00:24:55,711 --> 00:24:56,669 DeeDee, follow me. 480 00:24:57,844 --> 00:25:00,063 [lively music playing] 481 00:25:00,629 --> 00:25:01,935 Excuse me, what are you two doing up here? 482 00:25:02,109 --> 00:25:03,850 [Alli] Oh, my God! 483 00:25:04,024 --> 00:25:05,329 - [Alli] I never! - [Amber] Hey, girls. 484 00:25:05,504 --> 00:25:06,940 [Alli] No. No running in the cabin! 485 00:25:07,114 --> 00:25:08,202 Everything looks good, sir. 486 00:25:08,376 --> 00:25:09,682 Wheels are still on the track. 487 00:25:09,856 --> 00:25:11,205 [door slams] 488 00:25:11,379 --> 00:25:13,207 - Open the door. - What's happening in there? 489 00:25:14,034 --> 00:25:15,078 Captain. 490 00:25:15,688 --> 00:25:17,820 [Amber] Oh, my God. 491 00:25:17,994 --> 00:25:19,953 Captain, there's an emergency. 492 00:25:20,127 --> 00:25:22,216 This weird, homely woman, Donna Dusk, 493 00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:25,611 with these big, cheap glasses, she popped up on my TV screen. 494 00:25:25,785 --> 00:25:27,134 You're not allowed to be up here. 495 00:25:27,308 --> 00:25:29,092 Captain. 496 00:25:29,266 --> 00:25:31,268 It's a stormaganza. 497 00:25:31,965 --> 00:25:34,881 [boy's voice] Mommy, Daddy's smoking crack again. 498 00:25:35,055 --> 00:25:37,710 Again, again, again. 499 00:25:39,842 --> 00:25:43,977 Captain Davenport to train HQ. Get me Donna Dusk. 500 00:25:44,151 --> 00:25:45,282 [Chet] Pfft. Donna? 501 00:25:45,456 --> 00:25:46,980 You mean little Bimbo Baggins? 502 00:25:47,154 --> 00:25:48,198 [laughs] 503 00:25:48,372 --> 00:25:49,939 This is Donna Dusk. 504 00:25:50,113 --> 00:25:52,942 [Davenport] The stormaganza. Is this a joke? 505 00:25:53,639 --> 00:25:55,075 Check your control panel. 506 00:25:56,859 --> 00:25:58,252 [ominous sting plays] 507 00:25:59,340 --> 00:26:01,647 Dear God. 508 00:26:01,821 --> 00:26:03,910 [thunder rumbling] 509 00:26:07,391 --> 00:26:09,393 You have to stop the train now. 510 00:26:14,660 --> 00:26:16,400 [alarm beeping] 511 00:26:19,926 --> 00:26:22,581 The brakes. They're fried. 512 00:26:26,019 --> 00:26:27,194 Conductor. 513 00:26:28,325 --> 00:26:30,414 Are you saying that you're on a runaway train? 514 00:26:31,067 --> 00:26:35,681 Worse. What I'm saying is we can't stop. 515 00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:39,206 [foreboding music playing] 516 00:26:43,776 --> 00:26:46,300 I once drove through a stormaganza. 517 00:26:46,474 --> 00:26:50,478 It was a long, long time ago. 518 00:26:50,652 --> 00:26:51,827 What happened? 519 00:26:53,655 --> 00:26:55,004 [Davenport sighs] 520 00:26:57,659 --> 00:26:59,618 [slurping] 521 00:27:02,577 --> 00:27:07,408 Conductor, the passengers in the rear have fallen into hysteria. 522 00:27:07,582 --> 00:27:09,149 Now, don't you worry, Amelia. 523 00:27:09,323 --> 00:27:11,107 We'll be through this squall soon. 524 00:27:11,281 --> 00:27:14,589 I'd stake all 44 states on it. 525 00:27:14,763 --> 00:27:16,286 Ooh, Lord. 526 00:27:18,027 --> 00:27:20,073 [thunder rumbling] 527 00:27:20,247 --> 00:27:22,075 [screaming] 528 00:27:22,249 --> 00:27:24,077 [brakes squealing] 529 00:27:24,512 --> 00:27:26,079 Our train derailed. 530 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,864 What was it like? 531 00:27:29,038 --> 00:27:30,170 Like... 532 00:27:30,344 --> 00:27:32,694 Screech! 533 00:27:32,868 --> 00:27:35,262 Oh, God, no. Please stop! 534 00:27:35,871 --> 00:27:37,220 Stop the train! 535 00:27:37,394 --> 00:27:39,483 Oh, no, no! We're going off the rails! 536 00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:41,703 Oh, God, save us! 537 00:27:41,877 --> 00:27:44,184 My face! I'm burning alive! 538 00:27:44,358 --> 00:27:48,710 Boom, boom, boom! Aaahhh! 539 00:27:50,233 --> 00:27:51,713 [sighs] 540 00:27:51,887 --> 00:27:55,325 There in the wreckage, 541 00:27:55,499 --> 00:27:57,414 lost in the wilderness, 542 00:27:57,588 --> 00:28:00,200 just me and the co-conductor. 543 00:28:00,374 --> 00:28:03,551 I'm sure you can see where this is going. 544 00:28:03,725 --> 00:28:05,031 You kissed. 545 00:28:05,205 --> 00:28:07,120 No, I ate him. 546 00:28:07,294 --> 00:28:10,297 Oh, my God. How long were you out there? 547 00:28:10,471 --> 00:28:11,472 Forty-six minutes. 548 00:28:12,473 --> 00:28:13,604 You poor thing. 549 00:28:14,954 --> 00:28:16,259 Donna, are you still there? 550 00:28:16,869 --> 00:28:19,262 So, if my calculations are correct, 551 00:28:19,436 --> 00:28:22,309 you still have a chance of making it through the storm, 552 00:28:22,483 --> 00:28:24,659 but you have to find a way to stop the train 553 00:28:24,833 --> 00:28:26,879 before it crashes into the final stop, 554 00:28:27,488 --> 00:28:30,143 which is located right next to a nuclear power plant, 555 00:28:30,317 --> 00:28:32,014 a hotel for dogs, 556 00:28:32,928 --> 00:28:35,322 and the home of beloved actress Lori Metcalfe. 557 00:28:35,975 --> 00:28:37,454 Not Lori Metcalfe. 558 00:28:37,628 --> 00:28:38,847 [all groan] 559 00:28:39,021 --> 00:28:40,327 Dear God. 560 00:28:41,371 --> 00:28:43,373 [intense music playing] 561 00:28:44,766 --> 00:28:46,899 [dealer] Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. Place your bets. 562 00:28:47,073 --> 00:28:49,989 The wheel turns. No more bets, please. No more bets. 563 00:28:50,598 --> 00:28:52,513 What were you two talking to the conductor about? 564 00:28:52,687 --> 00:28:54,167 Amber, there's been a bit of an emergency. 565 00:28:54,341 --> 00:28:55,995 Oh, you mean the weight restriction in this cabin 566 00:28:56,169 --> 00:28:58,824 that was exceeded when you two walked in. 567 00:28:59,433 --> 00:29:02,131 Actually, Amber, we don't have to tell you anything 568 00:29:02,305 --> 00:29:04,133 because the conductor put us in charge. 569 00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:07,267 You met the conductor? He's real? 570 00:29:08,572 --> 00:29:10,139 Tess, what are you doing? 571 00:29:10,313 --> 00:29:14,187 Excuse me. Hi, y'all. My name is Tess. 572 00:29:14,361 --> 00:29:16,145 And I'm DeeDee. And we have an announcement. 573 00:29:16,319 --> 00:29:17,625 [Amber] What do you think you're doing? 574 00:29:17,799 --> 00:29:20,280 Ayshleiygh, do something. 575 00:29:24,458 --> 00:29:26,242 I took eight beta-blockers. Um... 576 00:29:26,416 --> 00:29:27,722 [thud] 577 00:29:29,550 --> 00:29:31,160 The conductor would like us to tell you 578 00:29:31,334 --> 00:29:33,597 that we're looking at inclement weather ahead. 579 00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:36,862 Please stay in your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. 580 00:29:37,036 --> 00:29:38,385 We'll get through it in no time. 581 00:29:38,559 --> 00:29:42,911 And complimentary drinks on us. 582 00:29:43,085 --> 00:29:44,870 [cheering] 583 00:29:46,393 --> 00:29:48,961 Oh. So, that's how you wanna play. 584 00:29:49,135 --> 00:29:51,093 - Hmm. - Okay, bitch. 585 00:29:51,267 --> 00:29:53,095 We love games. Right, girls? 586 00:29:53,269 --> 00:29:54,705 [Alli] Yeah, but we don't play fair. 587 00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:56,272 We can basically read each other's minds. 588 00:29:56,446 --> 00:29:57,534 Watch. 589 00:29:58,709 --> 00:29:59,710 Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. 590 00:29:59,885 --> 00:30:02,017 [all] Bryce Dallas Howard. 591 00:30:02,191 --> 00:30:03,018 Ha ha! 592 00:30:03,192 --> 00:30:03,932 [Amber] See? 593 00:30:04,106 --> 00:30:05,238 [Ayshleiygh] Locked in. 594 00:30:05,412 --> 00:30:06,674 So, get ready to play 595 00:30:06,848 --> 00:30:11,722 4-D motherfucking chesssss. 596 00:30:11,897 --> 00:30:12,985 And we thank you. 597 00:30:13,159 --> 00:30:15,161 [stately music playing] 598 00:30:16,553 --> 00:30:17,859 Madam President. 599 00:30:21,123 --> 00:30:22,124 Have you made a decision? 600 00:30:25,606 --> 00:30:26,912 I have. 601 00:30:28,391 --> 00:30:29,828 It's time... 602 00:30:32,352 --> 00:30:34,136 to nuke Russia. 603 00:30:35,572 --> 00:30:38,184 Are you serious, madam? 604 00:30:38,358 --> 00:30:39,968 Does this look serious? 605 00:30:42,710 --> 00:30:44,146 [music intensifies] 606 00:30:44,364 --> 00:30:45,756 Kidding! 607 00:30:45,931 --> 00:30:47,410 [all laughing] 608 00:30:48,368 --> 00:30:51,327 I mean, do you really think I wanna deal with that mess? 609 00:30:51,501 --> 00:30:54,243 Pfft. I don't even come in on Fridays. 610 00:30:54,417 --> 00:30:57,072 [press secretary] So good. You know what's so funny? 611 00:30:57,246 --> 00:30:58,900 We literally were just saying outside, 612 00:30:59,074 --> 00:31:00,641 we hope she does the bit with the button. 613 00:31:00,815 --> 00:31:03,252 It's so funny every time. 614 00:31:03,426 --> 00:31:04,863 Oh, my God. 615 00:31:05,037 --> 00:31:07,430 Approve all these bills 616 00:31:07,604 --> 00:31:11,304 and throw everyone a tax rebate. 617 00:31:11,478 --> 00:31:13,480 I'm in an Oprah mood. 618 00:31:13,654 --> 00:31:14,960 Hey, just a reminder. 619 00:31:15,134 --> 00:31:16,875 You have your one o'clock with AOC. 620 00:31:18,137 --> 00:31:20,879 Yeah. And then after that is your photoshoot with Skims. 621 00:31:21,053 --> 00:31:22,402 Remember the concept? 622 00:31:22,576 --> 00:31:24,447 Mary Poppins fell into her big bag 623 00:31:24,621 --> 00:31:27,624 and is now clawing at the walls of her dark bag pit. 624 00:31:27,798 --> 00:31:29,888 - [phone buzzes] - Oh. What? 625 00:31:30,062 --> 00:31:31,411 [squeaky voice chattering over phone] 626 00:31:31,585 --> 00:31:33,021 Okay. 627 00:31:33,195 --> 00:31:34,283 [squeaky voice chattering over phone] 628 00:31:36,503 --> 00:31:37,634 No. 629 00:31:38,679 --> 00:31:41,725 Now, I could be wrong, but that sounded like... 630 00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:43,162 An emergency. 631 00:31:43,336 --> 00:31:44,598 [gasps] 632 00:31:44,772 --> 00:31:46,339 A national emergency. 633 00:31:46,513 --> 00:31:48,819 [foreboding sting plays] 634 00:31:49,429 --> 00:31:51,300 Madam President, the situation is ongoing, 635 00:31:51,474 --> 00:31:53,912 but we have our people monitoring it from every angle. 636 00:31:54,086 --> 00:31:55,957 We're gonna corner the market on messaging on this, 637 00:31:56,131 --> 00:31:58,133 including running some contingency plans 638 00:31:58,307 --> 00:32:00,353 and getting best and worst-case projections. 639 00:32:00,527 --> 00:32:02,268 We also have a rapid response team on the scene 640 00:32:02,442 --> 00:32:04,270 in case the situation escalates. 641 00:32:04,444 --> 00:32:07,664 We have a direct line to defense, NASA, FEMA, 642 00:32:07,838 --> 00:32:10,580 PETA, GOOP, the NAACP, 643 00:32:10,754 --> 00:32:13,888 the WNBA, SWV, Xscape, 644 00:32:14,062 --> 00:32:16,369 TLC, Build-a-Bear Workshop, 645 00:32:16,543 --> 00:32:18,110 Mothers Against Drunk Driving, the cast of 646 00:32:18,284 --> 00:32:19,676 The Real Housewives of Potomac, 647 00:32:19,850 --> 00:32:21,417 the cast of Married to Medicine, 648 00:32:21,591 --> 00:32:24,333 and of course, the Taco Bell Innovation Lab. 649 00:32:26,814 --> 00:32:28,250 [ticking] 650 00:32:29,817 --> 00:32:31,514 Tell it to me straight. 651 00:32:31,688 --> 00:32:33,168 There's a Glamazonian Express 652 00:32:33,342 --> 00:32:35,388 headed directly into a massive storm. 653 00:32:35,562 --> 00:32:37,303 Now tell it to me gay. 654 00:32:37,477 --> 00:32:39,174 [shrieks] 655 00:32:40,871 --> 00:32:41,916 Dear God. 656 00:32:42,786 --> 00:32:43,874 It's serious. 657 00:32:45,137 --> 00:32:46,399 [distressed groan] 658 00:32:47,748 --> 00:32:50,098 Do you know what this is? Hmm? 659 00:32:50,272 --> 00:32:52,448 Well, of course, madam. That's your approval rating. 660 00:32:52,622 --> 00:32:55,408 Hasn't once dipped below "Love her!" 661 00:32:55,582 --> 00:32:58,889 That's right. That's right. 662 00:33:00,282 --> 00:33:03,155 Not since the day I sat my perfect derriere 663 00:33:03,329 --> 00:33:05,418 in this little chair-iere. 664 00:33:05,592 --> 00:33:07,028 And do you know why? 665 00:33:07,202 --> 00:33:08,160 You're sickening. 666 00:33:08,334 --> 00:33:09,161 Yes. 667 00:33:09,335 --> 00:33:10,423 But more. 668 00:33:10,597 --> 00:33:12,512 I'm fun. 669 00:33:12,686 --> 00:33:15,428 It was literally my whole campaign. 670 00:33:18,344 --> 00:33:20,824 You know what's not fun? 671 00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:25,699 America's first bullet train flying off the tracks. 672 00:33:26,308 --> 00:33:31,531 We will be the laughingstock of all high-speed-rail countries. 673 00:33:31,705 --> 00:33:34,447 Of course. Shouldn't you be the one to speak to this issue 674 00:33:34,621 --> 00:33:36,753 considering your military history? 675 00:33:38,929 --> 00:33:41,802 The United States Rail Force. 676 00:33:41,976 --> 00:33:44,370 - [warning bell ringing] - [child giggling] 677 00:33:44,544 --> 00:33:47,416 - [train horn blaring] - [child screaming] 678 00:33:49,462 --> 00:33:50,724 [loud thud] 679 00:33:53,031 --> 00:33:54,032 - [gasps] - [explosion] 680 00:33:54,858 --> 00:33:57,252 Are you having another one of your hot flashbacks? 681 00:33:57,426 --> 00:33:58,688 Of course not. 682 00:33:59,602 --> 00:34:03,693 All right, bring me my TV pantsuit. 683 00:34:03,867 --> 00:34:05,478 We're going live. 684 00:34:05,652 --> 00:34:06,609 Go. 685 00:34:06,783 --> 00:34:09,047 [dramatic music playing] 686 00:34:09,221 --> 00:34:10,918 - [sighs] - [groans softly] 687 00:34:15,879 --> 00:34:17,490 Whoa! 688 00:34:17,664 --> 00:34:19,405 - Good game. - You too. 689 00:34:20,188 --> 00:34:21,494 Your coffee, conductor. 690 00:34:21,668 --> 00:34:24,323 - Oh. Thank you. - Sorry it took so long. 691 00:34:24,497 --> 00:34:25,628 That's all right. 692 00:34:26,673 --> 00:34:28,457 And hi, Cal. 693 00:34:28,631 --> 00:34:30,285 Oh, you remembered my name. 694 00:34:30,459 --> 00:34:32,113 What was your name again? 695 00:34:32,287 --> 00:34:33,419 DeeDee. 696 00:34:33,593 --> 00:34:36,378 DeeDee. That's a great name. 697 00:34:36,552 --> 00:34:38,250 You know, I had a dog once. 698 00:34:38,424 --> 00:34:39,642 Named DeeDee? 699 00:34:39,816 --> 00:34:40,817 No. 700 00:34:49,348 --> 00:34:50,610 - I'm sorry, sorry. - [clamoring] 701 00:34:50,784 --> 00:34:52,568 No, we are out of vodka 702 00:34:52,742 --> 00:34:54,831 and whiskey and gin. 703 00:34:55,005 --> 00:34:58,574 But we do have a tequila branded by a very famous Meghan. 704 00:34:58,748 --> 00:34:59,836 Thee Stallion? 705 00:35:00,010 --> 00:35:01,447 Markle. 706 00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:06,452 [man] You worked hard. Your mamas and daddies worked hard. 707 00:35:06,626 --> 00:35:07,888 We're mighty proud of you. 708 00:35:14,329 --> 00:35:17,289 No way. Are you...? 709 00:35:17,463 --> 00:35:19,552 Yes, that's me. 710 00:35:19,726 --> 00:35:21,771 [sighs] Fun set. 711 00:35:21,945 --> 00:35:24,296 Are you looking at my screen right now? 712 00:35:24,470 --> 00:35:27,255 Because I paid $20 for this movie. 713 00:35:27,429 --> 00:35:30,215 You know what? You owe me half. 714 00:35:30,389 --> 00:35:32,521 [thunder rumbling] 715 00:35:32,695 --> 00:35:34,044 Okay. 716 00:35:34,958 --> 00:35:38,527 Thank you. And if I see you looking at this screen again, 717 00:35:38,701 --> 00:35:40,747 I'm gonna beat the shit out of you. 718 00:35:41,356 --> 00:35:43,053 [contestant] It's my goal to entertain the world 719 00:35:43,228 --> 00:35:44,664 through artistic expression. 720 00:35:45,230 --> 00:35:47,449 Through art, I shall serve my country. 721 00:35:47,623 --> 00:35:48,494 [laughing] 722 00:35:51,801 --> 00:35:52,976 All right, you leeches. 723 00:35:53,890 --> 00:35:54,935 Listen up. 724 00:35:55,109 --> 00:35:57,285 You get one question each, 725 00:35:57,459 --> 00:35:59,722 and don't get greedy. Or I will have you thrown 726 00:35:59,896 --> 00:36:01,637 into a government black site so fast 727 00:36:01,811 --> 00:36:04,466 you'll be making Zara handbags like the rest of the filth. 728 00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:06,120 Is that what you want? 729 00:36:06,294 --> 00:36:08,644 Ask me if I'm kidding. Seriously, ask. Yeah. 730 00:36:08,818 --> 00:36:09,776 Are you kidding? 731 00:36:09,950 --> 00:36:11,169 No. 732 00:36:11,343 --> 00:36:12,692 And that was your one question. 733 00:36:13,345 --> 00:36:16,957 And now, please welcome your president, 734 00:36:17,131 --> 00:36:20,221 Judy Gagwell! 735 00:36:22,876 --> 00:36:26,271 Thank you. I will start taking questions. 736 00:36:26,445 --> 00:36:28,360 - Yes. - Madam President, 737 00:36:28,534 --> 00:36:30,318 what can you tell us about this storm? 738 00:36:30,492 --> 00:36:32,015 Well, it's quite-- 739 00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:33,626 Big? Dangerous? 740 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:35,932 What are you hiding, Gagwell? 741 00:36:36,106 --> 00:36:37,543 What kind of conspiracy is this? 742 00:36:37,717 --> 00:36:39,458 - Watergate. Pizzagate. - Get her out of here. 743 00:36:39,632 --> 00:36:42,461 Wait. Aah! No, no, no, no, no. What's happening? 744 00:36:42,635 --> 00:36:45,594 I don't wanna work at a Zara! No! 745 00:36:46,421 --> 00:36:48,206 - Did you see that? - Yes, yes. 746 00:36:48,858 --> 00:36:53,820 Big. Just know we are monitoring the situation, 747 00:36:53,994 --> 00:36:56,344 and we have eyes on the train. 748 00:36:56,518 --> 00:36:57,432 [reporters clamoring] 749 00:36:57,606 --> 00:36:58,825 No. 750 00:37:00,870 --> 00:37:01,654 [blows raspberry] 751 00:37:02,872 --> 00:37:04,570 What are the chances of survival? 752 00:37:05,179 --> 00:37:09,705 And by "survival," I mean how many people are going to die? 753 00:37:09,879 --> 00:37:12,273 Dead. Six feet under. Maggots. 754 00:37:12,447 --> 00:37:14,493 Don't even get me started on the bats. 755 00:37:14,667 --> 00:37:17,017 Have you ever had a bat nest in your hair? 756 00:37:17,191 --> 00:37:19,193 Honey, the whole bat family moves in. 757 00:37:19,367 --> 00:37:22,327 - They bring lawn chairs-- - Okay. You had your turn. 758 00:37:22,501 --> 00:37:23,632 Excuse me. 759 00:37:24,372 --> 00:37:26,069 Y'all talking trains? 760 00:37:26,244 --> 00:37:28,158 I know a little something about trains. 761 00:37:28,333 --> 00:37:31,379 This is an inside job. How do I know? 762 00:37:31,553 --> 00:37:33,555 I'm a certified railway hostess. 763 00:37:33,729 --> 00:37:36,254 - Oh. - Well, I used to be. 764 00:37:36,428 --> 00:37:38,517 Then Big Train got my ass. 765 00:37:38,691 --> 00:37:39,996 And they're gonna get you all too. 766 00:37:40,258 --> 00:37:42,390 Soon, we're not gonna have no cars. 767 00:37:42,564 --> 00:37:44,523 We ain't gonna have no feet. 768 00:37:44,697 --> 00:37:48,222 Like the movie Snowpiercer, but no feet. 769 00:37:48,396 --> 00:37:51,530 Do you think these are my real legs? [laughs] 770 00:37:51,704 --> 00:37:55,055 They are, for now. Then they're gonna hack them off, 771 00:37:55,229 --> 00:37:57,187 they're gonna chain them to the bottom of that train, 772 00:37:57,362 --> 00:37:59,494 and they're gonna be like one Flintstones car. 773 00:37:59,668 --> 00:38:02,541 Madam President, do you feel a personal connection to this, 774 00:38:02,715 --> 00:38:04,673 considering your past? 775 00:38:04,847 --> 00:38:06,719 - My past? - Weren't you a part 776 00:38:06,893 --> 00:38:08,808 of that now-defunct military branch 777 00:38:08,982 --> 00:38:11,593 dedicated to defend the country with trains? 778 00:38:12,942 --> 00:38:14,204 That was... 779 00:38:15,380 --> 00:38:17,730 many years ago. I... 780 00:38:17,904 --> 00:38:19,862 [camera shutters clicking] 781 00:38:23,475 --> 00:38:24,693 [train horn blaring] 782 00:38:28,697 --> 00:38:29,698 No! 783 00:38:31,091 --> 00:38:33,049 - [screaming] - [explosion] 784 00:38:33,876 --> 00:38:36,096 Joanie! No! 785 00:38:36,705 --> 00:38:38,968 Did you just have a hot flashback? 786 00:38:39,142 --> 00:38:40,840 Take her out. 787 00:38:41,014 --> 00:38:41,971 I've had it. 788 00:38:42,145 --> 00:38:43,103 No! 789 00:38:43,277 --> 00:38:44,974 [strained squealing] 790 00:38:45,192 --> 00:38:47,673 [indistinct chatter] 791 00:38:47,977 --> 00:38:49,457 Cal, status? 792 00:38:49,631 --> 00:38:51,720 Single, captain, but having sex 793 00:38:51,894 --> 00:38:54,114 with a few different women in my karate class. 794 00:38:54,288 --> 00:38:55,507 Copy that. 795 00:38:55,681 --> 00:38:57,726 Donna, how's it looking up ahead? 796 00:38:57,900 --> 00:38:59,467 Great, Captain. We're all rooting for you. 797 00:38:59,641 --> 00:39:00,990 [Chet] All right, who has money on 100? 798 00:39:01,251 --> 00:39:03,210 - [man] Three hundred. - Two hundred, 200. 799 00:39:03,384 --> 00:39:04,907 - I'm all in. - Come on, guys. 800 00:39:05,081 --> 00:39:07,475 I'm thinking mass casualties, bodies high. 801 00:39:07,649 --> 00:39:10,217 Get those bills out. Come on, don't be a cheap-ass. 802 00:39:10,391 --> 00:39:12,393 You know, it's only gonna get uglier, 803 00:39:12,567 --> 00:39:15,353 but I have no doubt we'll make it through. 804 00:39:15,527 --> 00:39:17,659 As long as I'm sitting in this chair, 805 00:39:18,530 --> 00:39:21,881 focused, alert, determined, 806 00:39:22,055 --> 00:39:24,753 and not incapacitated for some reason. 807 00:39:25,014 --> 00:39:27,277 [uplifting music playing] 808 00:39:27,843 --> 00:39:29,236 [grunting] 809 00:39:29,410 --> 00:39:31,760 - [rattling] - Oh! Oh! Oh! 810 00:39:31,934 --> 00:39:33,849 - [grunting] - Oh! Whoa! Whoa! 811 00:39:34,023 --> 00:39:35,198 [gasps] 812 00:39:36,243 --> 00:39:37,244 [gasps] 813 00:39:37,549 --> 00:39:40,029 [brakes straining] 814 00:39:43,076 --> 00:39:45,513 What is going on up there? 815 00:39:45,687 --> 00:39:47,123 [indistinct chatter] 816 00:39:48,386 --> 00:39:50,126 [Cal] Who brought a scorpion in here? 817 00:39:50,300 --> 00:39:52,128 He's allergic to scorpions, I think. 818 00:39:52,302 --> 00:39:53,913 We can fix this. 819 00:39:54,566 --> 00:39:56,394 Cal, you're gonna take over as conductor. 820 00:39:56,568 --> 00:39:58,134 No, I'm the co-conductor. 821 00:39:58,308 --> 00:40:00,659 All I know how to do is play music on the aux cord. 822 00:40:01,703 --> 00:40:03,401 What if I stay up here and help him? 823 00:40:03,575 --> 00:40:05,664 I could speak on the headset, make sure everything's okay. 824 00:40:05,838 --> 00:40:07,883 Yes, and I'll take care of the conductor. 825 00:40:08,057 --> 00:40:10,016 [grunting and convulsing] 826 00:40:10,190 --> 00:40:11,409 How do we look? 827 00:40:11,583 --> 00:40:13,019 [both] Boop! Boop! 828 00:40:13,193 --> 00:40:14,499 [both] Gorge. 829 00:40:19,199 --> 00:40:20,983 There's an amazing venue we should try. 830 00:40:21,157 --> 00:40:22,507 Oh, maybe. Yes. 831 00:40:23,899 --> 00:40:26,728 [gentle music playing] 832 00:40:28,121 --> 00:40:30,079 [thunder crashing] 833 00:40:42,135 --> 00:40:43,179 Oh. 834 00:40:44,616 --> 00:40:50,143 Ooh... Conductor Davenport. 835 00:40:50,317 --> 00:40:51,666 Is this seat taken? 836 00:40:52,885 --> 00:40:54,060 Mmm. 837 00:40:55,017 --> 00:40:55,844 [gasps] 838 00:40:56,018 --> 00:40:57,803 Oops! 839 00:40:57,977 --> 00:40:59,805 Ah! Got it. 840 00:40:59,979 --> 00:41:01,371 [giggles] 841 00:41:02,503 --> 00:41:05,724 Oh, I'm sorry, I... Oh, I guess I should... 842 00:41:07,769 --> 00:41:09,118 I guess I'll go here. 843 00:41:14,602 --> 00:41:16,256 Oh, that's my journal. 844 00:41:16,430 --> 00:41:17,736 Wow. 845 00:41:18,911 --> 00:41:20,869 Look at us. It's like, 846 00:41:21,043 --> 00:41:22,871 are we even gonna get any work done up here? 847 00:41:23,045 --> 00:41:23,916 [Cal laughs] 848 00:41:24,090 --> 00:41:25,831 I know. It's like, 849 00:41:26,005 --> 00:41:28,268 what does any of this stuff even do? 850 00:41:28,442 --> 00:41:29,835 [thunder rumbling] 851 00:41:30,009 --> 00:41:31,010 [Cal giggles] 852 00:41:31,184 --> 00:41:33,142 [DeeDee giggling] 853 00:41:37,799 --> 00:41:39,758 [Donna] Glamazonian Express, do you copy? 854 00:41:39,932 --> 00:41:41,586 Donna, do you copy? 855 00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:43,152 - Yes, BeeBee, I read you. - DeeDee. 856 00:41:43,326 --> 00:41:45,546 Whatever your name is, you're headed right into 857 00:41:45,720 --> 00:41:47,940 an oncoming tornado. You will need to redirect the train 858 00:41:48,114 --> 00:41:50,333 onto some sort of alternate track. 859 00:41:50,508 --> 00:41:52,292 Uh, you can manually switch 860 00:41:52,466 --> 00:41:53,946 to an old mining track up ahead, 861 00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:56,905 but fair warning, it's been closed for decades 862 00:41:57,079 --> 00:41:58,820 for being too haunted. 863 00:41:58,994 --> 00:42:00,953 [spooky music plays] 864 00:42:07,176 --> 00:42:08,134 Okay. 865 00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:10,397 [Cal] Oh. 866 00:42:11,354 --> 00:42:13,966 [exhilarating music playing] 867 00:42:18,623 --> 00:42:20,538 [giggling] 868 00:42:20,712 --> 00:42:21,887 Cal. 869 00:42:22,061 --> 00:42:23,628 Oh, here it is. 870 00:42:23,802 --> 00:42:26,500 [DeeDee] Oh. Sorry. [chuckles] 871 00:42:29,329 --> 00:42:30,330 Cal. 872 00:42:32,375 --> 00:42:33,855 [Cal] Ooh. 873 00:42:34,029 --> 00:42:35,378 Ah. 874 00:42:36,162 --> 00:42:37,424 [DeeDee] Oh, it's slippery. 875 00:42:37,598 --> 00:42:39,557 [both moaning] 876 00:42:42,777 --> 00:42:44,736 Can you guys just, like, pull it? 877 00:42:47,565 --> 00:42:48,391 [Cal grunts] 878 00:42:54,702 --> 00:42:56,965 It wasn't that bad, right? 879 00:43:06,671 --> 00:43:08,673 Well, we'll just have to handle this 880 00:43:08,847 --> 00:43:12,198 the way we take care of all scandals. 881 00:43:13,460 --> 00:43:15,288 Just start saying names. 882 00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:17,856 No. 883 00:43:18,030 --> 00:43:20,989 We wait it out until it all blows over. 884 00:43:21,163 --> 00:43:25,603 I mean, it can't get worse than this, right? 885 00:43:25,777 --> 00:43:28,736 [foreboding sting plays] 886 00:43:28,910 --> 00:43:30,390 Oh. 887 00:43:35,047 --> 00:43:37,005 [ghostly laughter] 888 00:43:40,400 --> 00:43:42,402 [eerie music playing] 889 00:43:43,055 --> 00:43:45,057 [ghostly laughter] 890 00:43:48,147 --> 00:43:50,410 Donna? Donna? 891 00:43:52,325 --> 00:43:53,456 We lost signal. 892 00:43:54,936 --> 00:43:56,634 That's good, right? 893 00:43:58,244 --> 00:44:00,725 Can you read me? Hello? 894 00:44:00,899 --> 00:44:02,291 Hello? Hello? 895 00:44:02,857 --> 00:44:07,166 - Can you read me? - Girl, where do I start? 896 00:44:07,340 --> 00:44:08,863 [ghostly laughter] 897 00:44:09,037 --> 00:44:10,517 [passengers murmuring] 898 00:44:10,691 --> 00:44:12,040 [Amber] Aw. 899 00:44:12,214 --> 00:44:14,042 Looks like you couldn't handle it after all. 900 00:44:14,216 --> 00:44:15,304 [all snickering] 901 00:44:16,262 --> 00:44:18,438 Don't worry, I've got this. 902 00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:22,747 Passengers, we are currently experiencing 903 00:44:22,921 --> 00:44:24,879 some slight technical difficulties. 904 00:44:25,053 --> 00:44:27,055 There's no need to panic. 905 00:44:29,318 --> 00:44:30,798 [passengers screaming] 906 00:44:35,411 --> 00:44:37,370 - I just said, don't panic. - You did. 907 00:44:37,544 --> 00:44:40,242 We're gonna need something to distract the passengers. 908 00:44:40,416 --> 00:44:41,853 Would you like me to help? 909 00:44:42,027 --> 00:44:43,506 I actually got my start on the stage. 910 00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:45,552 One-woman production of Our Town. 911 00:44:45,726 --> 00:44:47,815 - The review said that I was-- - [Amber] Girls, girls. 912 00:44:47,989 --> 00:44:49,295 Look who it is. 913 00:44:50,513 --> 00:44:53,212 It's some complete fucking rando who can't stay in her seat. 914 00:44:53,386 --> 00:44:54,692 Get out of here! 915 00:44:55,867 --> 00:44:57,042 What are we gonna do? 916 00:44:57,216 --> 00:44:59,174 [passengers clamoring] 917 00:45:00,001 --> 00:45:00,915 I have an idea. 918 00:45:03,265 --> 00:45:05,703 - [man] Who turned out the light? - [Tess] You have to trust me 919 00:45:05,877 --> 00:45:07,313 - and put these on. - [Amber] I'm out. 920 00:45:07,487 --> 00:45:08,531 [Alli] I'm in. - [Ayshleiygh] I'm in too. 921 00:45:08,706 --> 00:45:09,532 [Alli] Who's that? 922 00:45:09,707 --> 00:45:10,446 [voice] I'm a ghost. 923 00:45:10,620 --> 00:45:11,404 [Tess] Okay. 924 00:45:11,578 --> 00:45:13,623 Five, six, seven, eight. 925 00:45:13,798 --> 00:45:16,714 [lively music playing] 926 00:45:20,935 --> 00:45:24,852 ♪ We are onboard Private entertainment ♪ 927 00:45:25,026 --> 00:45:28,682 ♪ Here to keep the vibes high No derailment ♪ 928 00:45:28,856 --> 00:45:32,294 ♪ Little funky, little flirty Hot arrangement ♪ 929 00:45:32,468 --> 00:45:36,646 - ♪ So light, so smooth ♪ - ♪ So light, so smooth ♪ 930 00:45:36,821 --> 00:45:39,954 ♪ 'Cause everything is perfect Everything is right ♪ 931 00:45:40,955 --> 00:45:46,395 ♪ No need to be nervous Just enjoy the ride ♪ 932 00:45:46,569 --> 00:45:49,790 - ♪ Hey, you, look over there - ♪ Right there ♪ 933 00:45:49,964 --> 00:45:51,705 ♪ Nothing to worry about ♪ 934 00:45:51,879 --> 00:45:53,838 ♪ No reason You should be scared ♪ 935 00:45:54,012 --> 00:45:57,711 - ♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ - ♪ Right there ♪ 936 00:45:57,885 --> 00:46:01,846 ♪ We're just here hanging out Like we don't have a care ♪ 937 00:46:02,020 --> 00:46:04,370 Now it's even louder in here. 938 00:46:04,544 --> 00:46:06,851 [rattling and rumbling] 939 00:46:08,156 --> 00:46:08,983 Whoa. 940 00:46:14,946 --> 00:46:16,077 [screams] 941 00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:20,952 - Oh, my God. - Whoa! 942 00:46:27,393 --> 00:46:30,788 - ♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ - ♪ Right there ♪ 943 00:46:30,962 --> 00:46:32,964 ♪ Nothing to worry about ♪ 944 00:46:33,138 --> 00:46:35,140 ♪ No reason You should be scared ♪ 945 00:46:35,314 --> 00:46:38,708 - ♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ - ♪ Right there ♪ 946 00:46:38,883 --> 00:46:43,017 ♪ We're just here hanging out Like we don't have a care ♪ 947 00:46:43,191 --> 00:46:46,673 ♪ Look over there now Look over there ♪ 948 00:46:46,847 --> 00:46:51,025 ♪ Don't you look over here Don't you look over here now ♪ 949 00:46:51,199 --> 00:46:54,420 ♪ Look over there now Look over there ♪ 950 00:46:54,594 --> 00:46:59,164 ♪ Don't look over there Don't you look over there now ♪ 951 00:47:02,123 --> 00:47:04,082 [cheering] 952 00:47:05,300 --> 00:47:06,519 [music ends] 953 00:47:10,566 --> 00:47:14,092 Donna, Donna, do you read? Donna? 954 00:47:14,266 --> 00:47:17,051 Your skin looks like you got power-washed in a FEMA tent. 955 00:47:17,225 --> 00:47:19,097 Head so big you look like the Michelin Man. 956 00:47:19,271 --> 00:47:22,230 Great ascot, I wish your ass got hit by a bus. 957 00:47:22,404 --> 00:47:24,276 You're aging like goat milk. 958 00:47:24,450 --> 00:47:25,364 [DeeDee] Donna? 959 00:47:25,973 --> 00:47:27,888 We made it through the tunnel. 960 00:47:28,062 --> 00:47:30,021 [cheering] 961 00:47:36,157 --> 00:47:37,593 Train hands. 962 00:47:39,595 --> 00:47:41,641 DeeDee, we did it. 963 00:47:41,815 --> 00:47:43,730 [groans] 964 00:47:43,904 --> 00:47:45,079 Oh. 965 00:47:46,907 --> 00:47:48,430 You look incredible right now. 966 00:47:48,604 --> 00:47:49,823 Oh. 967 00:47:49,997 --> 00:47:52,608 I guess I'll go take care of this. 968 00:47:57,700 --> 00:47:59,485 [cheering] 969 00:47:59,659 --> 00:48:02,836 [passengers] Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 970 00:48:03,010 --> 00:48:06,840 That was amazing. You're like the Tate McRae of railroads. 971 00:48:07,014 --> 00:48:09,147 Like Tate McRailroad. 972 00:48:09,321 --> 00:48:11,149 Wait, wait, y'all liked that? 973 00:48:11,323 --> 00:48:12,585 - Ah, yeah! - Yeah! 974 00:48:12,759 --> 00:48:14,108 You're totally in with us now, girl. 975 00:48:14,282 --> 00:48:16,502 So in. Even with that little weird eye thing. 976 00:48:16,676 --> 00:48:18,808 - Wait, what? What? - Right there. 977 00:48:18,983 --> 00:48:21,899 I'm sorry. Is this a joke? 978 00:48:22,073 --> 00:48:24,771 Her name doesn't even start with A. 979 00:48:24,945 --> 00:48:28,862 Amber. I think you're needed back there in coach. 980 00:48:29,036 --> 00:48:30,298 [laughing] 981 00:48:30,995 --> 00:48:32,822 Give it up for Tess, everyone. 982 00:48:32,997 --> 00:48:34,868 [cheering] 983 00:48:37,262 --> 00:48:40,134 Pick her up. Pick her up. Let's go. Come on. 984 00:48:40,961 --> 00:48:42,789 [all] Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 985 00:48:42,963 --> 00:48:44,573 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 986 00:48:44,747 --> 00:48:46,836 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 987 00:48:47,011 --> 00:48:50,101 Tess! Tess! We made it. 988 00:48:51,493 --> 00:48:52,668 Tess? 989 00:48:54,627 --> 00:48:55,976 Tess? 990 00:48:56,759 --> 00:48:58,152 Train Control, come in. 991 00:48:58,805 --> 00:49:00,807 Yes, I see you. Zooming in. 992 00:49:02,069 --> 00:49:03,984 - Too close. - It's good, right? 993 00:49:04,158 --> 00:49:06,508 - We're through the storm. - No. 994 00:49:08,423 --> 00:49:10,164 You're just in the eye of it. 995 00:49:11,296 --> 00:49:12,340 [sighs] 996 00:49:13,689 --> 00:49:15,865 [foreboding music playing] 997 00:49:16,170 --> 00:49:18,042 [Cal] Holy fuck. 998 00:49:29,140 --> 00:49:32,230 It's clear they're no longer buying what I'm selling. 999 00:49:33,753 --> 00:49:35,711 [crickets chirping] 1000 00:49:41,108 --> 00:49:43,502 Madam President, your speech for when the train crashes, 1001 00:49:43,676 --> 00:49:44,764 killing everyone. 1002 00:49:46,287 --> 00:49:47,332 Sit down. 1003 00:49:47,897 --> 00:49:49,987 I think it's time I tell you a story. 1004 00:49:53,425 --> 00:49:57,124 Everyone knows me as Judy Gagwell. 1005 00:49:57,298 --> 00:49:59,039 "She fun." 1006 00:50:00,084 --> 00:50:04,479 But what if I told you sometimes she not fun? 1007 00:50:05,306 --> 00:50:06,699 What if I told you... 1008 00:50:07,308 --> 00:50:09,093 she sad? 1009 00:50:11,182 --> 00:50:13,271 Oh, my God. 1010 00:50:13,445 --> 00:50:15,490 Was it something that I did? 1011 00:50:18,058 --> 00:50:21,018 There's one chapter in my life that I haven't spoken about. 1012 00:50:22,584 --> 00:50:27,328 My time in the United States Rail Force. 1013 00:50:28,199 --> 00:50:29,852 Take a seat. 1014 00:50:42,126 --> 00:50:45,738 The year was 1986. 1015 00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:50,960 The Rail Force. 1016 00:50:51,135 --> 00:50:54,790 A new military initiative under Reagan 1017 00:50:54,964 --> 00:50:58,968 who thought there was no better way to defend America 1018 00:50:59,621 --> 00:51:01,536 than by train. 1019 00:51:06,367 --> 00:51:09,588 It was supposed to be a standard test 1020 00:51:09,762 --> 00:51:13,722 where I'd launch missiles that were mounted on my caboose. 1021 00:51:14,549 --> 00:51:19,424 I had a blemish on my chin that day that needed a little TLC. 1022 00:51:21,295 --> 00:51:24,342 I was so distracted by my mug 1023 00:51:24,516 --> 00:51:26,648 that I didn't see all the warning signs 1024 00:51:26,822 --> 00:51:28,998 staring right at me. 1025 00:51:39,966 --> 00:51:41,054 [thud] 1026 00:51:42,534 --> 00:51:43,665 What was that? 1027 00:51:44,710 --> 00:51:45,580 Hm. 1028 00:51:45,841 --> 00:51:47,713 [somber music playing] 1029 00:51:54,154 --> 00:51:56,678 Like little Joanie Muggins 1030 00:51:58,158 --> 00:52:00,421 prancing down the train tracks. 1031 00:52:00,595 --> 00:52:01,727 [whimpers] 1032 00:52:04,512 --> 00:52:07,080 I had to bury this story for my campaign. 1033 00:52:08,168 --> 00:52:10,779 You know, there's a saying in politics. 1034 00:52:10,953 --> 00:52:14,740 The only thing less fun than a train crash 1035 00:52:14,914 --> 00:52:18,570 is a flattened, exploded toddler. 1036 00:52:19,832 --> 00:52:23,401 And you are always saying that. 1037 00:52:23,575 --> 00:52:26,969 So, now that you know the real me, 1038 00:52:27,579 --> 00:52:29,363 the true me, 1039 00:52:30,538 --> 00:52:31,626 what do you think? 1040 00:52:33,846 --> 00:52:35,456 We can spin this. 1041 00:52:35,630 --> 00:52:37,371 We're gonna get background on that toddler. 1042 00:52:37,545 --> 00:52:40,809 I guarantee you we can find it saying some racist shit. 1043 00:52:40,983 --> 00:52:42,942 I have to go. 1044 00:52:43,116 --> 00:52:44,161 No. 1045 00:52:44,335 --> 00:52:45,771 I'm not fit for this job anymore. 1046 00:52:45,945 --> 00:52:47,294 What? 1047 00:52:47,468 --> 00:52:49,470 - I have to go. - No. 1048 00:52:50,819 --> 00:52:51,951 President Gagwell. 1049 00:52:52,647 --> 00:52:54,040 President Gagwell, wait! 1050 00:52:54,214 --> 00:52:55,215 [door closes] 1051 00:52:56,477 --> 00:52:57,652 [sighs] 1052 00:53:00,438 --> 00:53:02,048 [alarm blaring] 1053 00:53:02,222 --> 00:53:03,919 Oh, shit! 1054 00:53:08,707 --> 00:53:10,143 Phew! 1055 00:53:14,843 --> 00:53:17,585 Like I said, you're just in the eye of the storm. 1056 00:53:17,759 --> 00:53:19,935 You're telling me now it has a face? 1057 00:53:20,632 --> 00:53:24,026 And if I'm being frank, the other side is not looking good. 1058 00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:28,030 If you're being Frank, what if you're being, like, Dylan? 1059 00:53:28,205 --> 00:53:30,250 Deedles, we got this, okay? 1060 00:53:30,424 --> 00:53:33,601 We just gotta keep on doing what we've been doing. 1061 00:53:33,775 --> 00:53:35,081 Cal's really into you. 1062 00:53:35,255 --> 00:53:36,648 [both giggling] 1063 00:53:36,822 --> 00:53:38,432 Did you hear those passengers out there? 1064 00:53:38,606 --> 00:53:40,129 They are chanting our names. 1065 00:53:40,304 --> 00:53:42,001 I kind of just heard your name. 1066 00:53:42,175 --> 00:53:44,264 - What? No, no. - [cell phone chimes] 1067 00:53:44,438 --> 00:53:47,267 Oh! It's the other girls. I gotta get back out there. 1068 00:53:47,441 --> 00:53:49,487 - They need me. - Okay, how do we look? 1069 00:53:49,661 --> 00:53:51,750 Huh? Fine, fine, whatever. 1070 00:53:51,924 --> 00:53:54,187 Boop! Boop! 1071 00:53:55,014 --> 00:53:56,276 Gorge. 1072 00:53:59,061 --> 00:54:00,628 - Hey, everybody. - Ah! 1073 00:54:00,802 --> 00:54:02,195 Did you miss me? 1074 00:54:02,369 --> 00:54:04,241 [all] Yes! 1075 00:54:04,415 --> 00:54:07,766 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 1076 00:54:07,940 --> 00:54:12,161 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 1077 00:54:14,990 --> 00:54:16,731 "Babies cause 100 percent of train delays." 1078 00:54:16,905 --> 00:54:18,342 Yeah. Not good. 1079 00:54:18,951 --> 00:54:20,257 Oh, my goodness. 1080 00:54:20,431 --> 00:54:22,955 Congratulations. You are a Miranda. 1081 00:54:23,129 --> 00:54:26,567 Gentle and compassionate, but also relatively passive. 1082 00:54:26,741 --> 00:54:28,177 Okay, I'm gonna do me next. 1083 00:54:28,569 --> 00:54:30,876 [lounge music playing] 1084 00:54:37,230 --> 00:54:39,232 [moaning] 1085 00:54:43,236 --> 00:54:45,978 [moaning continues] 1086 00:54:49,808 --> 00:54:51,592 I'm horny. 1087 00:54:51,766 --> 00:54:52,811 DeeDee. 1088 00:54:54,378 --> 00:54:56,075 I just wanna say, 1089 00:54:56,249 --> 00:54:57,903 I couldn't do this without you. 1090 00:55:00,253 --> 00:55:02,037 Cal, I... 1091 00:55:02,211 --> 00:55:03,691 [Donna] Cal and DeeDee, do you copy? 1092 00:55:05,824 --> 00:55:07,478 - Donna? - This might be your one chance 1093 00:55:07,652 --> 00:55:11,090 to redirect the train before you re-enter the storm. 1094 00:55:11,264 --> 00:55:14,920 We just need to find a way to brake the train manually. 1095 00:55:17,618 --> 00:55:19,141 Tess will know what to do. 1096 00:55:20,621 --> 00:55:22,014 Who's Tess? 1097 00:55:22,188 --> 00:55:24,146 [disco music playing] 1098 00:55:29,326 --> 00:55:30,414 [DeeDee] Tess? 1099 00:55:32,677 --> 00:55:33,765 Tess! 1100 00:55:35,723 --> 00:55:36,681 Tess! 1101 00:55:39,597 --> 00:55:42,426 I'll have a Denver omelet. 1102 00:55:42,600 --> 00:55:43,775 [indistinctly mumbles] 1103 00:55:45,037 --> 00:55:46,125 Woot-woot! 1104 00:55:52,305 --> 00:55:54,133 Excuse you, bitch. 1105 00:56:01,575 --> 00:56:02,707 [DeeDee] Tess! 1106 00:56:06,319 --> 00:56:07,799 The Swiss twins. 1107 00:56:08,626 --> 00:56:09,627 Tess! 1108 00:56:10,671 --> 00:56:11,803 DeeDee? 1109 00:56:11,977 --> 00:56:13,108 DeeDee! 1110 00:56:13,282 --> 00:56:15,633 Hey, it's DeeDee, everybody! 1111 00:56:20,333 --> 00:56:21,769 What is all this? 1112 00:56:22,379 --> 00:56:25,033 I'm just trying to keep all the passengers entertained, 1113 00:56:25,207 --> 00:56:27,601 you know, like the girls do on the commercial. 1114 00:56:27,775 --> 00:56:30,822 The girls in the commercial did everything together. 1115 00:56:30,996 --> 00:56:32,737 - What? - [Alli] Everyone! 1116 00:56:32,911 --> 00:56:36,436 I would just like to make a toast to Tess, 1117 00:56:36,610 --> 00:56:38,830 our new best friend who is running this train 1118 00:56:39,004 --> 00:56:41,398 all by herself, with absolutely no help from anyone else. 1119 00:56:41,572 --> 00:56:43,530 [cheering and clapping] 1120 00:56:44,575 --> 00:56:47,360 Stop, y'all are crazy. 1121 00:56:47,534 --> 00:56:50,755 Oh, DeeDee. What was it you wanted to tell me? 1122 00:56:50,929 --> 00:56:52,713 You know what? Never mind. 1123 00:56:52,887 --> 00:56:55,324 - What? - Never mind! 1124 00:56:55,499 --> 00:56:56,413 What? 1125 00:56:56,587 --> 00:56:58,240 I said, never mind! 1126 00:56:59,459 --> 00:57:02,027 Because I can do this all by myself. 1127 00:57:07,511 --> 00:57:08,425 [Amber groans] 1128 00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:10,992 I'm so sorry. No offense. 1129 00:57:11,166 --> 00:57:12,864 It just smells like poor people back here. 1130 00:57:17,477 --> 00:57:19,697 Oh, hold on, the snack girl finally got here. 1131 00:57:19,871 --> 00:57:21,699 Y'all got Nutter Butters or what? 1132 00:57:22,439 --> 00:57:24,179 Sir, please don't touch me. 1133 00:57:24,919 --> 00:57:27,139 [shudders] So sad. 1134 00:57:38,977 --> 00:57:40,935 [suspenseful sting plays] 1135 00:57:45,549 --> 00:57:47,376 According to the schematic... 1136 00:57:49,770 --> 00:57:51,859 Ah. There is an emergency brake 1137 00:57:52,033 --> 00:57:54,688 situated directly on top of the caboose. 1138 00:57:54,862 --> 00:57:59,040 But there's no way to access it from inside the train. 1139 00:57:59,214 --> 00:58:01,303 Unless someone goes out there and does it themselves. 1140 00:58:01,478 --> 00:58:03,218 [computer] Autoconduct activated. 1141 00:58:03,392 --> 00:58:06,657 Cal, that's a suicide mission. 1142 00:58:07,396 --> 00:58:09,311 DeeDee, it's time for me to prove 1143 00:58:09,486 --> 00:58:11,313 that I'm more than just a perfect face 1144 00:58:11,488 --> 00:58:13,577 or a gorgeous set of abs 1145 00:58:14,186 --> 00:58:16,405 or those little V lines right above my pelvis 1146 00:58:16,580 --> 00:58:19,496 that poke out from my low-rise jeans. 1147 00:58:20,235 --> 00:58:21,280 I'm Cal. 1148 00:58:22,324 --> 00:58:23,587 I have to do this. 1149 00:58:25,502 --> 00:58:26,981 I have to save the world. 1150 00:58:29,244 --> 00:58:30,768 Sorry. 1151 00:58:38,558 --> 00:58:40,038 All right. When I get out there, 1152 00:58:40,212 --> 00:58:42,823 I'm gonna need eyes on me from inside the cabin. 1153 00:58:42,997 --> 00:58:45,522 Just give me the signal when you need to be pulled in. 1154 00:58:45,696 --> 00:58:47,175 What's the signal? 1155 00:58:48,046 --> 00:58:49,003 This. 1156 00:58:50,527 --> 00:58:52,050 - Okay. - Uh-huh. 1157 00:58:52,224 --> 00:58:54,182 How's that sound, Donna? 1158 00:58:54,356 --> 00:58:55,880 Dumb as shit. 1159 00:58:56,054 --> 00:58:57,403 Dumb as a school made of shit 1160 00:58:57,577 --> 00:58:59,710 filled with little shit students. 1161 00:58:59,884 --> 00:59:01,407 But it's so dumb... 1162 00:59:02,277 --> 00:59:04,671 it just might work, you crazy bastard. 1163 00:59:05,106 --> 00:59:06,151 DeeDee. 1164 00:59:07,544 --> 00:59:10,068 This might be the last time we ever see each other. 1165 00:59:11,243 --> 00:59:13,767 Cal, I need to tell you something. 1166 00:59:14,812 --> 00:59:15,813 What? 1167 00:59:16,335 --> 00:59:17,597 I love you. 1168 00:59:18,119 --> 00:59:19,991 I've loved you since the first time I saw you 1169 00:59:20,165 --> 00:59:23,211 on that Conductors We Want to See the Dick Of Magazine. 1170 00:59:23,385 --> 00:59:26,345 And you don't have to say anything back to me. I just... 1171 00:59:35,136 --> 00:59:36,834 What did you need to tell me? 1172 00:59:39,184 --> 00:59:41,839 Oh! Oh. Oh, nothing. 1173 00:59:42,753 --> 00:59:44,102 You know what? 1174 00:59:44,798 --> 00:59:47,714 No, I'm done living in this fantasy. 1175 00:59:47,888 --> 00:59:49,760 I love you, Cal. 1176 00:59:50,761 --> 00:59:52,850 I said it out loud. 1177 00:59:53,024 --> 00:59:54,286 Wow, DeeDee. 1178 00:59:54,895 --> 00:59:57,332 I don't know what to say, except 1179 00:59:57,506 --> 01:00:00,161 do you want to finally see what my dick looks like? 1180 01:00:01,249 --> 01:00:02,555 Yeah. 1181 01:00:04,513 --> 01:00:05,776 [unzipping] 1182 01:00:05,950 --> 01:00:07,778 - Whoa! - Whoa! 1183 01:00:07,952 --> 01:00:09,823 What did you need to tell me? 1184 01:00:11,085 --> 01:00:14,001 Oh! Good luck out there. 1185 01:00:17,265 --> 01:00:19,267 No, no, it's fine. Everybody calm down, okay? 1186 01:00:19,441 --> 01:00:21,226 There's something they're not telling us. 1187 01:00:21,400 --> 01:00:25,447 Yeah, like, is this even a train? 1188 01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:27,624 Think about it, people. 1189 01:00:27,798 --> 01:00:30,888 Does anybody remember getting on the train? 1190 01:00:32,629 --> 01:00:33,717 I do. 1191 01:00:35,457 --> 01:00:36,720 Oh, I do too, actually. 1192 01:00:39,592 --> 01:00:43,291 Why don't we see those pretty peepers? 1193 01:00:44,423 --> 01:00:46,425 Oh. 1194 01:00:46,599 --> 01:00:50,168 You know, nipples are the eyes of the face. 1195 01:00:51,517 --> 01:00:52,779 - [divorcee] Oh! - [all gasp] 1196 01:00:53,780 --> 01:00:54,825 Oh! 1197 01:00:54,999 --> 01:00:57,001 - Oh. - Hey, look. 1198 01:00:57,175 --> 01:01:00,961 That's the conductor. And a very large nipple. 1199 01:01:01,135 --> 01:01:03,355 Wait, who's driving the train? 1200 01:01:03,529 --> 01:01:05,836 And why is her nipple so big? 1201 01:01:06,010 --> 01:01:08,447 [groans] You're all just jealous. 1202 01:01:08,621 --> 01:01:10,014 I bet she knows. 1203 01:01:10,841 --> 01:01:13,582 I mean, look at her. Can we even trust anyone from coach? 1204 01:01:13,757 --> 01:01:15,672 [groans] She is from coach. 1205 01:01:16,847 --> 01:01:18,239 [Ayshleiygh] And she was in the conductor's cabin 1206 01:01:18,413 --> 01:01:20,546 the entire time we did the dance. 1207 01:01:21,460 --> 01:01:25,159 Dance? What dance? 1208 01:01:25,899 --> 01:01:30,121 Oh, just a disco-infused, late-'80s-inspired number. 1209 01:01:35,909 --> 01:01:38,869 Passengers, apologies for the confusion. 1210 01:01:39,043 --> 01:01:41,567 I'm getting word now that your first-class attendant here 1211 01:01:41,741 --> 01:01:43,395 is a two-faced bitch 1212 01:01:43,569 --> 01:01:45,963 who takes credit for the onboard entertainment choreo 1213 01:01:46,137 --> 01:01:49,270 that we came up with together. 1214 01:01:49,444 --> 01:01:51,490 - Get her ass. - Get her. Let her know. 1215 01:01:51,664 --> 01:01:53,927 Passengers, if I could direct your attention 1216 01:01:54,101 --> 01:01:56,451 to the right side of history, 1217 01:01:56,625 --> 01:01:58,802 I will let you know that I am the one 1218 01:01:58,976 --> 01:02:01,065 who came up with that choreo in the first place 1219 01:02:01,239 --> 01:02:04,459 when I had that dream that Dolly Parton made us dance at gunpoint 1220 01:02:04,633 --> 01:02:06,810 in order to escape her Rocky Mountain Labyrinth. 1221 01:02:08,463 --> 01:02:10,378 Passengers. 1222 01:02:10,552 --> 01:02:12,076 It's better to have no friends 1223 01:02:12,250 --> 01:02:15,601 than one friend who is a social-climbing skank, 1224 01:02:15,775 --> 01:02:18,647 who was just lying about us finally having our moment. 1225 01:02:18,822 --> 01:02:20,214 Passengers. 1226 01:02:20,737 --> 01:02:24,610 Maybe it's difficult for us to have our moment 1227 01:02:24,784 --> 01:02:28,309 when one of us is always holding the other one back. 1228 01:02:29,049 --> 01:02:31,312 [growls] 1229 01:02:31,486 --> 01:02:33,488 - [grunts] - [passengers gasp] 1230 01:02:34,272 --> 01:02:35,316 - [grunting] - [groans] 1231 01:02:35,490 --> 01:02:36,753 [passengers gasp] 1232 01:02:37,231 --> 01:02:38,015 Wha-- 1233 01:02:39,451 --> 01:02:41,758 Ow! Owee, owee, owee! 1234 01:02:41,932 --> 01:02:42,802 Ooh. 1235 01:02:44,499 --> 01:02:46,110 [DeeDee yelling] 1236 01:02:48,199 --> 01:02:49,983 Okay, okay. Time out, time out. 1237 01:02:50,157 --> 01:02:51,506 - Time out. - Tess, too much. 1238 01:02:51,680 --> 01:02:52,769 - Yeah. - [DeeDee] Tess, time out. 1239 01:02:52,943 --> 01:02:54,596 - Time out. - Okay. Okay. Fine. 1240 01:02:58,731 --> 01:02:59,776 [grunts] 1241 01:02:59,950 --> 01:03:01,734 [passengers gasp] 1242 01:03:09,916 --> 01:03:12,484 [Amber over intercom] Ugh, what is that smell? 1243 01:03:13,441 --> 01:03:18,185 Oh, never mind. It's just two girls stanking up the train. 1244 01:03:21,493 --> 01:03:23,016 That's right. 1245 01:03:23,234 --> 01:03:26,019 Neither of these attendants are from Glamazonian. 1246 01:03:26,193 --> 01:03:27,325 [passengers gasp] 1247 01:03:27,499 --> 01:03:28,935 [Amber] They're impostors 1248 01:03:29,109 --> 01:03:31,764 from Stank Rail. 1249 01:03:31,938 --> 01:03:32,809 [all gasp] 1250 01:03:34,506 --> 01:03:36,203 That's right. You know, the trains 1251 01:03:36,377 --> 01:03:37,639 where the seats don't even recline? 1252 01:03:37,814 --> 01:03:39,293 [all gasp] 1253 01:03:39,467 --> 01:03:40,555 [groans] 1254 01:03:40,729 --> 01:03:42,253 You lied to us, Tess. 1255 01:03:42,427 --> 01:03:44,342 You were the first woman I ever trusted. 1256 01:03:44,516 --> 01:03:45,343 No, no, no, no, no. 1257 01:03:45,517 --> 01:03:46,300 I was gonna ask you 1258 01:03:46,474 --> 01:03:47,519 to be my maid of honor. 1259 01:03:47,693 --> 01:03:49,477 And I still will be. 1260 01:03:49,651 --> 01:03:52,524 And I was gonna adopt you as my weird, sad daughter. 1261 01:03:54,004 --> 01:03:56,397 Oh, I really wanna be Tess Rina. 1262 01:03:57,181 --> 01:04:00,967 And neither one of you will ever be Glamazonian material. 1263 01:04:01,141 --> 01:04:03,100 [passengers murmuring] 1264 01:04:07,147 --> 01:04:08,714 What's this for? 1265 01:04:11,673 --> 01:04:13,023 [exhales] 1266 01:04:14,851 --> 01:04:16,461 Now let's save this train. 1267 01:04:18,593 --> 01:04:20,204 - [whooshing] - [yelps] 1268 01:04:23,555 --> 01:04:25,339 Did anybody just see that? 1269 01:04:25,513 --> 01:04:28,995 That looked like the conductor I wanted to see the dick of. 1270 01:04:30,954 --> 01:04:32,346 Cal! 1271 01:04:32,520 --> 01:04:34,740 DeeDee! 1272 01:04:34,914 --> 01:04:38,048 Call 911! 1273 01:04:40,789 --> 01:04:42,791 [shouting in panic] 1274 01:04:47,100 --> 01:04:48,406 Great. 1275 01:04:48,580 --> 01:04:49,886 So, now we're all gonna die in this train 1276 01:04:50,060 --> 01:04:51,713 because of you two boneheads. 1277 01:04:51,888 --> 01:04:52,758 Wait. 1278 01:04:53,063 --> 01:04:54,934 Maybe we could try and stop it. 1279 01:04:55,935 --> 01:04:57,850 - Get into it, girl. - [Amber groans] 1280 01:05:07,077 --> 01:05:09,557 Donna, tell it to us straight. 1281 01:05:11,559 --> 01:05:12,647 No brakes. 1282 01:05:13,213 --> 01:05:14,911 A fatal storm. 1283 01:05:15,085 --> 01:05:18,740 A dead co-conductor we really wanted to see the dick of. 1284 01:05:19,524 --> 01:05:21,134 I'd say our odds are... 1285 01:05:22,092 --> 01:05:25,878 a .01 percent chance of survival. 1286 01:05:26,052 --> 01:05:27,619 Tell it to us gay. 1287 01:05:27,880 --> 01:05:29,795 Oh, you give me a half-hour, I go over to Home Depot. 1288 01:05:29,969 --> 01:05:31,275 I load my Subaru with tools. 1289 01:05:31,449 --> 01:05:33,320 I pay my ex Deb some vegan jerky to help me. 1290 01:05:33,494 --> 01:05:35,496 We fix that train in, like, 20 minutes. 1291 01:05:35,670 --> 01:05:37,498 - Boy gay. - Oh, sorry. 1292 01:05:37,672 --> 01:05:39,674 [clicks tongue] Girl! 1293 01:05:39,848 --> 01:05:41,024 [all gasp] 1294 01:05:44,941 --> 01:05:46,725 Donna, pack up your desk. 1295 01:05:46,899 --> 01:05:48,596 - What? Why? - Well... 1296 01:05:49,249 --> 01:05:50,816 we have to blame someone for all this, 1297 01:05:50,990 --> 01:05:53,775 and you're the only woman wearing glasses. 1298 01:05:53,950 --> 01:05:55,473 You know, Chet, every day 1299 01:05:55,647 --> 01:05:58,432 I come to work at this office with a sword in my side, 1300 01:05:58,606 --> 01:06:00,565 knowing you're just gonna push it in further, 1301 01:06:00,739 --> 01:06:02,828 but I still come in. Why? 1302 01:06:03,655 --> 01:06:04,873 Because I'm a human being. 1303 01:06:05,483 --> 01:06:08,268 A human being who happens to be a woman. 1304 01:06:09,095 --> 01:06:13,099 But not just a woman. I am my mother's daughter 1305 01:06:13,273 --> 01:06:15,884 and her daughters before her and her daughters before her 1306 01:06:16,059 --> 01:06:18,539 in a never-ending line of daughters. 1307 01:06:18,713 --> 01:06:20,672 [muffled laughter] 1308 01:06:22,848 --> 01:06:24,719 [playing ragtime music] 1309 01:06:38,429 --> 01:06:39,691 [clattering] 1310 01:06:51,703 --> 01:06:52,834 The usual? 1311 01:06:53,531 --> 01:06:56,012 Barbra? You're a bartender now? 1312 01:06:57,970 --> 01:06:59,232 Who's Barbra? 1313 01:07:04,368 --> 01:07:05,934 [Gagwell] Hard day? 1314 01:07:06,109 --> 01:07:07,501 You don't know the half of it. 1315 01:07:09,068 --> 01:07:10,765 Try having half the country 1316 01:07:10,939 --> 01:07:13,029 think of you as a laughing stock. 1317 01:07:14,247 --> 01:07:15,814 Madam President? 1318 01:07:16,510 --> 01:07:17,642 You knew it was me? 1319 01:07:18,817 --> 01:07:20,427 But I'm wearing a disguise. 1320 01:07:21,037 --> 01:07:23,865 Shouldn't you be running the country? 1321 01:07:24,040 --> 01:07:25,432 Oh, I'm running all right. 1322 01:07:25,606 --> 01:07:29,175 Running from my past. 1323 01:07:29,349 --> 01:07:31,569 Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that bad. 1324 01:07:32,570 --> 01:07:35,225 I ran over a toddler with a train. 1325 01:07:36,443 --> 01:07:37,618 Oh. 1326 01:07:38,358 --> 01:07:41,231 I did it, and then I buried it. 1327 01:07:41,405 --> 01:07:43,450 Just like they buried that toddler, 1328 01:07:43,624 --> 01:07:46,366 or at least whatever they could find of her. 1329 01:07:46,540 --> 01:07:50,109 All so that I could run for president. 1330 01:07:50,283 --> 01:07:53,460 Just like that toddler ran across those train tracks 1331 01:07:53,634 --> 01:07:56,072 and then exploded on impact. 1332 01:07:57,247 --> 01:07:59,075 Well, it could be worse. 1333 01:07:59,945 --> 01:08:01,816 You could be the reason an entire train 1334 01:08:01,990 --> 01:08:03,818 full of people crashes. 1335 01:08:06,821 --> 01:08:08,562 You're right. 1336 01:08:08,736 --> 01:08:12,610 I mean, there's probably five or six toddlers on there at least. 1337 01:08:15,743 --> 01:08:19,443 To running away from life's problems. 1338 01:08:23,273 --> 01:08:24,796 You know, I don't think you're running away. 1339 01:08:26,363 --> 01:08:27,668 I think you're stuck. 1340 01:08:28,843 --> 01:08:31,194 Just like I was stuck in that control tower. 1341 01:08:32,195 --> 01:08:36,547 We're sitting here avoiding our problems when we should be... 1342 01:08:36,721 --> 01:08:38,592 Ignoring them. 1343 01:08:40,203 --> 01:08:43,293 Bo... Bomb... Bombing... Bombing them? 1344 01:08:44,598 --> 01:08:45,686 Eating them. 1345 01:08:47,297 --> 01:08:50,691 - Hurdling towards them. - Towards them. 1346 01:08:51,388 --> 01:08:53,303 Hurdling right towards them. 1347 01:08:53,477 --> 01:08:54,608 Yes. 1348 01:08:55,218 --> 01:08:56,697 Yes! 1349 01:08:56,871 --> 01:08:58,960 Yes! Yes! 1350 01:08:59,135 --> 01:09:01,354 You know, I was gonna say that 1351 01:09:02,225 --> 01:09:04,183 because that's who I am, you know? 1352 01:09:04,357 --> 01:09:07,055 Hurdling towards them and solving this. 1353 01:09:07,230 --> 01:09:09,145 That is... That is brilliant. 1354 01:09:09,319 --> 01:09:10,668 That's brilliant. 1355 01:09:10,842 --> 01:09:13,932 Hurdling towards them. 1356 01:09:15,542 --> 01:09:18,676 Bitch, we've got a train to catch. 1357 01:09:18,850 --> 01:09:20,243 - Last will and testament? - [thunder crashing] 1358 01:09:20,417 --> 01:09:21,679 Last will and testament? 1359 01:09:22,375 --> 01:09:24,377 - Last will and testament? - I'll take one. 1360 01:09:25,161 --> 01:09:26,727 Last will and testament? 1361 01:09:26,901 --> 01:09:28,555 - Wow. - Last will and testament? 1362 01:09:28,729 --> 01:09:29,513 [chuckles] 1363 01:09:39,349 --> 01:09:40,915 You come back here to die with me? 1364 01:09:41,829 --> 01:09:42,874 Oh, wait. 1365 01:09:44,267 --> 01:09:46,356 I'd probably hold you back from that, too, right? 1366 01:09:46,530 --> 01:09:48,575 Deedles, I'm sorry. 1367 01:09:48,749 --> 01:09:50,098 You know I didn't mean any of those things 1368 01:09:50,273 --> 01:09:51,578 that I said to you. I just... 1369 01:09:52,710 --> 01:09:54,668 For the first time, I felt like our lives 1370 01:09:54,842 --> 01:09:58,890 were finally about to begin, you know? 1371 01:09:59,064 --> 01:10:01,458 I guess it was always just meant to end like this. 1372 01:10:05,288 --> 01:10:07,942 Tess, I'll be honest with you. 1373 01:10:08,726 --> 01:10:13,992 Before this morning, I thought our lives had started years ago. 1374 01:10:14,166 --> 01:10:17,778 - When? - The day we met at THA. 1375 01:10:18,692 --> 01:10:21,608 - Train Hostess Academy. - Train Hostess Academy. 1376 01:10:22,566 --> 01:10:24,785 Deedles, we were supposed to do big things. 1377 01:10:24,959 --> 01:10:26,439 Like see the world, 1378 01:10:26,613 --> 01:10:29,050 like those four gay guys stuck up on that mountain. 1379 01:10:30,095 --> 01:10:32,750 You know, I think I saw them passing by the window earlier. 1380 01:10:32,924 --> 01:10:34,360 Is that what that was? 1381 01:10:34,534 --> 01:10:36,406 [both] Oh! 1382 01:10:36,580 --> 01:10:37,711 [both gasp] 1383 01:10:37,885 --> 01:10:39,626 We're doing it, Tess. 1384 01:10:40,279 --> 01:10:41,802 Like we always have been. 1385 01:10:42,412 --> 01:10:46,416 Oh, if I'm gonna die in a fiery crash next to my best friend, 1386 01:10:46,590 --> 01:10:49,549 I don't wanna do it in these tacky-ass uniforms. 1387 01:10:50,768 --> 01:10:52,726 [gasps then chuckles] 1388 01:10:54,772 --> 01:10:56,295 I can't wait to get this off. 1389 01:10:57,165 --> 01:10:59,167 - I hate this. - [helicopter whirring] 1390 01:10:59,864 --> 01:11:02,562 - Do you hear that? - [Gagwell] Geronimo! 1391 01:11:13,660 --> 01:11:16,272 Who says we have to crash? 1392 01:11:18,491 --> 01:11:21,712 All right, let's pack it up, folks. This is so boring. 1393 01:11:21,886 --> 01:11:25,368 Wait. Who says we have to crash? 1394 01:11:26,717 --> 01:11:27,979 No one said that. 1395 01:11:29,459 --> 01:11:31,983 Is this a joke? Certainly, they won't be able to pick me up. 1396 01:11:32,157 --> 01:11:33,593 They're women, and no-- 1397 01:11:33,767 --> 01:11:36,814 Whoa! Whoa! They're doing it, you guys. 1398 01:11:36,988 --> 01:11:38,598 Let's save the train, people. 1399 01:11:39,164 --> 01:11:42,036 By that, I don't mean people with wheels as arms 1400 01:11:42,210 --> 01:11:45,692 and headlamps as eyes and a smokestack for a head. 1401 01:11:45,866 --> 01:11:47,868 And we wouldn't wanna save those people anyway. They're freaks. 1402 01:11:48,042 --> 01:11:49,827 Like, what is their blood, passengers? 1403 01:11:50,001 --> 01:11:52,743 No, I mean, let's save the train, people. 1404 01:11:53,526 --> 01:11:54,527 Yeah! 1405 01:11:55,746 --> 01:11:57,878 ♪ That my BFF, she the shit ♪ 1406 01:11:58,052 --> 01:12:01,621 ♪ Sister from another mister That my twin, thick and thin ♪ 1407 01:12:01,795 --> 01:12:04,320 ♪ We the baddest in the world Can't name nobody badder ♪ 1408 01:12:04,494 --> 01:12:07,105 ♪ It's just me and her Nobody else don't even matter ♪ 1409 01:12:07,279 --> 01:12:09,586 ♪ That my BFF, that my sis ♪ 1410 01:12:09,760 --> 01:12:12,589 ♪ Sister from another mister That my twin ♪ 1411 01:12:12,763 --> 01:12:14,242 ♪ Thick and thin Just like that ♪ 1412 01:12:14,417 --> 01:12:15,679 ♪ Have my back ♪ 1413 01:12:15,853 --> 01:12:17,289 ♪ If your bestie in the club ♪ 1414 01:12:17,463 --> 01:12:18,290 ♪ Where she at? ♪ 1415 01:12:18,464 --> 01:12:20,336 [Alli] Look who's here. 1416 01:12:20,510 --> 01:12:22,207 Are they really gonna die in those clothes? 1417 01:12:22,381 --> 01:12:24,557 Well, it looks like they already did. 1418 01:12:24,731 --> 01:12:26,124 Excuse us, ladies. 1419 01:12:26,298 --> 01:12:27,343 But we've got work to do. 1420 01:12:27,517 --> 01:12:29,170 Oh, and by the way, Amber, 1421 01:12:29,867 --> 01:12:31,477 I'm sorry we ever asked to be part of your little group 1422 01:12:31,651 --> 01:12:33,044 in the first place. 1423 01:12:33,218 --> 01:12:35,046 At least now I know what a real best friend 1424 01:12:35,220 --> 01:12:36,264 looks like. 1425 01:12:36,874 --> 01:12:37,918 You mean me, right? 1426 01:12:38,092 --> 01:12:39,093 Yeah. 1427 01:12:40,007 --> 01:12:42,662 Oh, my God. Just rent the U-Haul 1428 01:12:42,836 --> 01:12:44,490 and buy the Birkenstocks already, ladies. 1429 01:12:44,664 --> 01:12:45,404 Barf. 1430 01:12:45,578 --> 01:12:48,189 [sighs] I got this. 1431 01:12:49,147 --> 01:12:50,714 Amber, is it? 1432 01:12:50,888 --> 01:12:52,063 [chuckles] 1433 01:12:52,237 --> 01:12:54,457 - Apparently this is first class. - Mm-hm. 1434 01:12:54,631 --> 01:12:58,374 But that face of yours is screaming basic economy. 1435 01:12:58,548 --> 01:13:01,551 Fried hair, migrating filler. 1436 01:13:01,725 --> 01:13:04,075 And the only bags you forgot to check 1437 01:13:04,249 --> 01:13:06,556 are under those overlined eyes 1438 01:13:06,730 --> 01:13:10,647 that make you look like a spooked horse. 1439 01:13:10,908 --> 01:13:12,300 [grunts] 1440 01:13:12,475 --> 01:13:15,478 Next time you come for Tess or DeeDee, 1441 01:13:15,652 --> 01:13:20,004 remember, you just got a presidential address, 1442 01:13:20,787 --> 01:13:26,053 and it's 1600 Out-Of-My-Way-Bitch Boulevard. 1443 01:13:27,054 --> 01:13:28,273 Oh, Amber. 1444 01:13:32,799 --> 01:13:34,061 Because reading is what? 1445 01:13:34,235 --> 01:13:36,150 [all] Fundamental! 1446 01:13:36,324 --> 01:13:39,284 [laughing boisterously] 1447 01:13:42,766 --> 01:13:44,898 [Donna] Glamazonian Express, can you read me? 1448 01:13:45,072 --> 01:13:46,422 Can you read me? 1449 01:13:46,596 --> 01:13:47,858 Should I start with those shoes? 1450 01:13:48,032 --> 01:13:50,730 - Shut up. - Uh, loud and clear, Donna. 1451 01:13:50,904 --> 01:13:52,732 - Tell her about the president. - You're not gonna believe it. 1452 01:13:52,906 --> 01:13:55,431 The president has boarded the train by... 1453 01:13:55,605 --> 01:13:57,171 Wait. How did you get on the train? 1454 01:13:57,345 --> 01:14:00,174 No time. What are we looking at, Donna? 1455 01:14:00,348 --> 01:14:02,481 All right, you'll be coming up on the storm shortly. 1456 01:14:03,134 --> 01:14:06,442 I'm uploading a 3-D rendering to your comms. 1457 01:14:06,964 --> 01:14:08,487 Now, once you're there, 1458 01:14:08,661 --> 01:14:10,489 you'll have to find a way to stop that train 1459 01:14:10,663 --> 01:14:13,884 - with no brakes. - No brakes? 1460 01:14:14,058 --> 01:14:15,668 Otherwise, it'll crash into the final stop. 1461 01:14:15,842 --> 01:14:16,800 [screaming] 1462 01:14:16,974 --> 01:14:18,497 Crash. 1463 01:14:18,671 --> 01:14:20,891 Now the stop should be empty except for 1464 01:14:21,065 --> 01:14:22,980 the Make-A-Wish field trip that's visiting. 1465 01:14:23,633 --> 01:14:25,156 I... I shouldn't do this. 1466 01:14:25,330 --> 01:14:26,810 - What? - No. No. 1467 01:14:26,984 --> 01:14:29,421 One of you will have to stop the train. 1468 01:14:29,595 --> 01:14:30,944 - What? - One of you 1469 01:14:31,118 --> 01:14:32,206 will have to stop this train instead. 1470 01:14:32,380 --> 01:14:34,774 I will guide you. Go on. 1471 01:14:34,948 --> 01:14:35,949 Go. 1472 01:14:36,297 --> 01:14:38,474 T-minus one minute until the storm. 1473 01:14:38,648 --> 01:14:40,040 Whatever T-minus means. 1474 01:14:41,302 --> 01:14:43,348 Someone needs to be the conductor. 1475 01:14:43,522 --> 01:14:44,741 Tess. 1476 01:14:47,134 --> 01:14:49,049 - Tess, what are you doing? - Look, Deedles. 1477 01:14:49,223 --> 01:14:51,617 I know I am always saying that this is our moment, 1478 01:14:51,791 --> 01:14:54,228 but right now it's yours. 1479 01:14:57,667 --> 01:14:59,538 Madam President, are you sure about this? 1480 01:14:59,712 --> 01:15:01,540 [Gagwell] I've never been more sure 1481 01:15:01,714 --> 01:15:04,456 about anything in my life. 1482 01:15:09,156 --> 01:15:10,070 [Donna] Hello? 1483 01:15:10,244 --> 01:15:11,463 Oh. 1484 01:15:12,682 --> 01:15:14,988 Sorry. Never mind. 1485 01:15:16,163 --> 01:15:17,382 Now listen up. 1486 01:15:18,252 --> 01:15:22,648 When you get in there, you listen to everything I say. 1487 01:15:22,822 --> 01:15:26,478 Because this whole country is counting on you. 1488 01:15:27,784 --> 01:15:29,437 Any last words? 1489 01:15:30,482 --> 01:15:31,527 Good luck. 1490 01:15:31,701 --> 01:15:35,139 And don't fuck it up. 1491 01:15:35,313 --> 01:15:36,923 What's taking so long? 1492 01:15:37,097 --> 01:15:38,316 [thunder crashing] 1493 01:15:41,058 --> 01:15:42,842 [Gagwell] Okay, girls, buckle up. 1494 01:15:43,016 --> 01:15:46,106 - [Tess] What's the plan? - We need to shut off the engine 1495 01:15:46,280 --> 01:15:48,718 and eject it from the train 1496 01:15:48,892 --> 01:15:52,112 so we can explode it out of its sexy little undercarriage. 1497 01:15:52,286 --> 01:15:53,374 What? 1498 01:15:53,549 --> 01:15:55,072 Then we can use it as an anchor 1499 01:15:55,246 --> 01:15:56,552 to slow us down. 1500 01:15:56,726 --> 01:15:59,206 Look for a small blue button. 1501 01:16:00,381 --> 01:16:02,253 Blue button. Uh... 1502 01:16:08,172 --> 01:16:10,478 [screaming] 1503 01:16:27,017 --> 01:16:28,322 Okay, well, that clearly didn't work. 1504 01:16:28,496 --> 01:16:30,629 Uh... What about 1505 01:16:30,803 --> 01:16:31,717 this one? 1506 01:16:34,328 --> 01:16:35,895 [woman] Mom. 1507 01:16:36,069 --> 01:16:38,245 I'm sorry. She always does this. 1508 01:16:38,419 --> 01:16:40,465 I'm fine now. I just needed a snack. 1509 01:16:40,639 --> 01:16:43,947 It's like that movie with the guy, that, like, actor, 1510 01:16:44,121 --> 01:16:45,601 and then they're on a desert island 1511 01:16:45,775 --> 01:16:47,211 and his best friend's a baseball. 1512 01:16:47,385 --> 01:16:48,429 We're running out of time. 1513 01:16:48,604 --> 01:16:49,909 Okay, I know. I'm trying. 1514 01:16:50,083 --> 01:16:53,217 Um... Wait, wait. I found it. 1515 01:17:01,225 --> 01:17:02,313 [alarm blaring] 1516 01:17:13,280 --> 01:17:15,021 [Tess] It's working. We're slowing down. 1517 01:17:15,195 --> 01:17:16,370 Donna, what's up ahead? 1518 01:17:16,544 --> 01:17:17,850 Okay, girls. 1519 01:17:18,024 --> 01:17:19,939 You're not gonna believe what I'm seeing. 1520 01:17:22,115 --> 01:17:24,814 We're coming up on a few irregular weather patterns. 1521 01:17:25,423 --> 01:17:26,729 Hold her steady, ladies. 1522 01:17:28,469 --> 01:17:30,167 We're seeing extreme lightning. 1523 01:17:34,867 --> 01:17:35,999 Heavy fog. 1524 01:17:36,173 --> 01:17:38,088 [Tess] Deedles, where are you? 1525 01:17:38,262 --> 01:17:41,004 [DeeDee] Tess, I can't see, so I have to speak loud. 1526 01:17:41,178 --> 01:17:43,963 [Tess] No, you really don't. I am right here. Just reach out. 1527 01:17:44,137 --> 01:17:46,009 A lot of water. 1528 01:17:46,183 --> 01:17:48,489 [Gagwell] Look, there's a blowfish. 1529 01:17:48,664 --> 01:17:52,058 [Tess] Oh, it's blowing the angel fish. 1530 01:17:52,232 --> 01:17:54,713 Passengers, please be aware that your safety vest 1531 01:17:54,887 --> 01:17:57,020 also doubles as a flotation device. 1532 01:17:57,629 --> 01:18:00,110 To inflate, just pull the tab. 1533 01:18:01,285 --> 01:18:02,939 [all] Ooh. 1534 01:18:04,636 --> 01:18:07,552 The only way out is through. 1535 01:18:08,988 --> 01:18:10,120 You girls got this, right? 1536 01:18:10,947 --> 01:18:13,819 I'll be cheering you on from back here. 1537 01:18:22,959 --> 01:18:25,439 - You girls need pretzels? - [Tess] No, thanks. 1538 01:18:25,613 --> 01:18:27,398 Or a seltzer? Seltzer? 1539 01:18:27,572 --> 01:18:31,924 Ladies, it has been a pleasure playing with you tonight. 1540 01:18:36,581 --> 01:18:38,539 [playing out of tune] 1541 01:18:41,586 --> 01:18:43,893 You're entering a zone of extreme pressure. 1542 01:18:44,067 --> 01:18:45,764 [baby crying] 1543 01:18:45,938 --> 01:18:48,898 Oh, great. Where did that come from? 1544 01:18:49,072 --> 01:18:50,203 Oh, fuck. 1545 01:18:50,769 --> 01:18:52,292 [Donna] Some very extreme pressure 1546 01:18:52,466 --> 01:18:54,338 might be enough to shatter the windows. 1547 01:18:54,512 --> 01:18:57,602 [cracking] 1548 01:18:57,776 --> 01:18:59,343 Almost there. 1549 01:18:59,517 --> 01:19:01,040 And they've got the hummus packs. 1550 01:19:01,214 --> 01:19:02,912 You know, with the pretzels on the side? 1551 01:19:03,086 --> 01:19:06,306 You know, I keep some of these in the Resolute Desk. 1552 01:19:07,743 --> 01:19:08,656 What's this doing here? 1553 01:19:08,831 --> 01:19:10,789 [screaming] 1554 01:19:15,489 --> 01:19:16,664 [Tess] Deedles, I can see the station. 1555 01:19:16,839 --> 01:19:17,883 We're almost through the storm. 1556 01:19:18,057 --> 01:19:19,276 [cracking] 1557 01:19:20,451 --> 01:19:22,975 Tess, I think there's something wrong with the window. 1558 01:19:26,718 --> 01:19:28,198 - [glass shatters] - [screams] 1559 01:19:28,372 --> 01:19:29,503 Tess! 1560 01:19:29,677 --> 01:19:30,678 DeeDee! 1561 01:19:30,853 --> 01:19:32,506 Tess! 1562 01:19:36,206 --> 01:19:38,295 Tess! [screams] 1563 01:19:38,948 --> 01:19:39,818 Tess. 1564 01:19:40,993 --> 01:19:42,603 - Tess! - DeeDee! 1565 01:19:42,908 --> 01:19:44,170 - Tess! - DeeDee! 1566 01:19:45,389 --> 01:19:46,433 What is that? 1567 01:19:46,607 --> 01:19:47,565 It's a dog on two legs 1568 01:19:47,739 --> 01:19:49,262 pushing a shopping cart. 1569 01:19:49,436 --> 01:19:50,829 No, what's that? 1570 01:19:55,355 --> 01:19:57,705 As if this day couldn't get any worse. 1571 01:19:57,880 --> 01:19:59,142 Tess! 1572 01:19:59,316 --> 01:20:02,101 - Tess. - Take my hand. 1573 01:20:06,802 --> 01:20:09,543 Tess. You have to let me go. 1574 01:20:09,717 --> 01:20:11,894 No, I'll never let go. 1575 01:20:12,851 --> 01:20:14,897 We'll always have the memories. 1576 01:20:16,724 --> 01:20:19,771 [wistful music playing] 1577 01:20:35,265 --> 01:20:37,528 Is it weird that I can't remember anything 1578 01:20:37,702 --> 01:20:39,530 that didn't happen today? 1579 01:20:39,704 --> 01:20:41,749 Yeah, me too. 1580 01:20:42,576 --> 01:20:44,578 [both grunting] 1581 01:20:52,935 --> 01:20:55,285 [inspirational music playing] 1582 01:20:58,592 --> 01:20:59,942 Well done. 1583 01:21:01,944 --> 01:21:03,075 [gasps] 1584 01:21:18,177 --> 01:21:22,312 [music intensifies and grows louder] 1585 01:21:22,921 --> 01:21:24,488 Can you please turn that down? 1586 01:21:26,055 --> 01:21:28,013 [music volume lowers] 1587 01:21:35,803 --> 01:21:37,805 [brakes squealing] 1588 01:21:38,154 --> 01:21:40,504 [screaming] 1589 01:21:45,291 --> 01:21:46,423 [screaming silently] 1590 01:21:48,294 --> 01:21:50,688 [brakes straining] 1591 01:21:58,348 --> 01:22:00,219 [President Gagwell laughs nervously] 1592 01:22:04,484 --> 01:22:07,705 [laughing] 1593 01:22:10,882 --> 01:22:12,492 We did it. 1594 01:22:13,667 --> 01:22:14,668 We did it. 1595 01:22:14,842 --> 01:22:16,844 [all cheering] 1596 01:22:21,284 --> 01:22:24,983 [all cheering] 1597 01:22:28,856 --> 01:22:31,859 You know, I'm just getting out of something, 1598 01:22:32,034 --> 01:22:35,080 so not really looking for anything serious right now. 1599 01:22:36,908 --> 01:22:38,431 But it was really fun. 1600 01:22:41,782 --> 01:22:44,176 You first. I'm gonna go slip 1601 01:22:44,350 --> 01:22:46,265 into something a little more comfortable. 1602 01:22:46,439 --> 01:22:47,527 Okay. 1603 01:22:53,490 --> 01:22:55,971 - Tess. - Deedles. 1604 01:22:59,365 --> 01:23:00,410 Oh. 1605 01:23:02,586 --> 01:23:04,544 [indistinct lively chatter] 1606 01:23:08,287 --> 01:23:10,202 [excited chatter] 1607 01:23:10,376 --> 01:23:11,725 [man] Come on. Let's go. 1608 01:23:17,427 --> 01:23:19,298 Look who it is. Look who it is. Come on. 1609 01:23:19,472 --> 01:23:22,606 Finally, people who know who I am. Oh! 1610 01:23:22,780 --> 01:23:24,477 [Tess] No, DeeDee, I think nobody can tell 1611 01:23:24,651 --> 01:23:27,176 - you're not wearing pants. - Yes, they can tell. 1612 01:23:27,350 --> 01:23:29,700 - There's so many people here. - My goodness. Hi, how are you? 1613 01:23:29,874 --> 01:23:31,006 Hi. 1614 01:23:31,528 --> 01:23:33,443 Well, it's a little moist here, isn't it? 1615 01:23:33,617 --> 01:23:35,793 - It's a little moist. - We've never been to Florida. 1616 01:23:36,750 --> 01:23:39,101 Tess, DeeDee, you just saved countless lives. 1617 01:23:39,275 --> 01:23:40,711 Tell me how you feel. 1618 01:23:41,451 --> 01:23:43,192 I just wish Cal could have seen this. 1619 01:23:43,366 --> 01:23:45,237 - Aw. - [Cal] DeeDee! 1620 01:23:46,673 --> 01:23:48,936 [DeeDee] Cal, you're alive. 1621 01:23:49,111 --> 01:23:50,851 I know when I fell into the ravine, 1622 01:23:51,026 --> 01:23:53,332 it looked like I was definitely gonna die, 1623 01:23:53,506 --> 01:23:54,942 but I didn't. 1624 01:23:55,117 --> 01:23:56,770 I broke every bone in my body. 1625 01:23:56,944 --> 01:23:59,208 All I thought about was you, DeeDee. 1626 01:23:59,382 --> 01:24:01,471 On the brink of death, I was rescued 1627 01:24:01,645 --> 01:24:03,647 by a valet who was on a hike. 1628 01:24:03,821 --> 01:24:06,867 She was incredibly well-trained, and her name was-- 1629 01:24:07,042 --> 01:24:08,913 Wait, Barb? How did you... 1630 01:24:09,087 --> 01:24:11,872 I'm a lot of things, girls, but nothing for too long. 1631 01:24:13,700 --> 01:24:15,615 Barbra, you're an angel. 1632 01:24:15,789 --> 01:24:19,706 Cal, I need to tell you something. 1633 01:24:19,880 --> 01:24:22,666 What, that you're in love with me? 1634 01:24:23,623 --> 01:24:26,191 - How did you know? - Because you said it, like, 1635 01:24:26,365 --> 01:24:28,628 eight times in the conductor cabin. 1636 01:24:28,802 --> 01:24:31,240 You kept looking at me, and then you would just glaze over 1637 01:24:31,414 --> 01:24:33,851 like you were fantasizing about something. 1638 01:24:34,025 --> 01:24:37,463 And sometimes, you looked at my body too. 1639 01:24:39,291 --> 01:24:41,076 I don't know why this is taking so long. 1640 01:24:41,250 --> 01:24:42,642 Just kiss already. 1641 01:24:45,863 --> 01:24:47,343 Ow! My shoulder! 1642 01:24:47,517 --> 01:24:48,648 [groans] 1643 01:24:48,822 --> 01:24:51,216 You grabbed my exposed bone. 1644 01:24:52,087 --> 01:24:54,176 DeeDee, meet me in the ICU. 1645 01:24:54,350 --> 01:24:56,700 - I need to use your insurance. - He does like you. 1646 01:24:56,874 --> 01:24:58,571 [Tess] I can't believe you did that. 1647 01:25:00,530 --> 01:25:02,358 Thank you, Madam President. 1648 01:25:02,532 --> 01:25:04,011 No, Donna. 1649 01:25:04,186 --> 01:25:06,927 Thank little Joanie Muggins. 1650 01:25:09,539 --> 01:25:10,670 Who? 1651 01:25:11,280 --> 01:25:13,456 Tess, DeeDee, a word for the Times. 1652 01:25:13,630 --> 01:25:17,329 Oh, we did it, DeeDee. We saw America. 1653 01:25:17,503 --> 01:25:19,418 [crowd cheering] 1654 01:25:19,592 --> 01:25:21,028 You heard it here first. 1655 01:25:21,203 --> 01:25:23,466 We are live from Celebration, Florida. 1656 01:25:23,640 --> 01:25:27,034 This is Shayna Gefilte-Manischevitz. 1657 01:25:28,384 --> 01:25:30,168 Wait. One more thing. 1658 01:25:30,342 --> 01:25:31,735 We're missing someone. 1659 01:25:33,476 --> 01:25:35,434 [crowd cheering] 1660 01:25:38,524 --> 01:25:42,093 [triumphant music playing] 1661 01:25:55,498 --> 01:25:57,282 ♪ All aboard the party train ♪ 1662 01:25:57,456 --> 01:25:58,892 ♪ Hurry up and don't be late ♪ 1663 01:25:59,066 --> 01:26:00,416 ♪ Doo wop, don't you stop ♪ 1664 01:26:00,590 --> 01:26:01,982 I mean, the only thing that worked 1665 01:26:02,157 --> 01:26:04,811 on this whole train is I got snacks once. 1666 01:26:04,985 --> 01:26:06,509 Can you believe we didn't even die? 1667 01:26:06,683 --> 01:26:08,380 Have a lovely day, sir. 1668 01:26:09,033 --> 01:26:11,688 NASA, The Real Housewives of Potomac, 1669 01:26:11,862 --> 01:26:14,647 BET, MTV, VH1. 1670 01:26:14,821 --> 01:26:18,085 [snickers] XstyleC. 1671 01:26:18,956 --> 01:26:20,218 Sorry, guys. 1672 01:26:20,392 --> 01:26:22,220 One of which just got burned up by... 1673 01:26:22,960 --> 01:26:25,180 Mine fire that's been burning for 50 years. 1674 01:26:26,181 --> 01:26:27,747 [laughs] I'm sorry. 1675 01:26:27,921 --> 01:26:30,489 [all laughing] 1676 01:26:30,663 --> 01:26:33,057 [crew member] Five, six, seven, eight. 1677 01:26:33,710 --> 01:26:36,930 Oh, my God. Damn. 1678 01:26:37,104 --> 01:26:39,019 [laughing] 1679 01:26:39,194 --> 01:26:40,847 We hope you enjoyed your ride. 1680 01:26:41,021 --> 01:26:42,893 Please come back and see us again soon. 1681 01:26:46,070 --> 01:26:48,638 Thank you for choosing Glamazonian Express. 1682 01:26:48,812 --> 01:26:51,989 - Hope you had a nice trip. - Enjoy your day. 1683 01:26:52,163 --> 01:26:54,034 - Talk about dead weight, right? - Mm. 1684 01:26:54,209 --> 01:26:56,994 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah. 1685 01:26:57,168 --> 01:26:58,691 - Oh. - Oh. 1686 01:26:58,865 --> 01:27:00,084 Okay. Cut. 1687 01:27:00,258 --> 01:27:01,738 [crew member] Cutting. Cutting. 1688 01:27:01,912 --> 01:27:05,132 Nice ascot. I wish your ass got hit by a bus. 1689 01:27:05,307 --> 01:27:07,526 [laughing] 1690 01:27:09,006 --> 01:27:11,182 Oh, shit. Okay. I'm sorry. 1691 01:27:11,356 --> 01:27:13,097 - Okay. - Don't forget your bag. 1692 01:27:13,271 --> 01:27:14,968 We hope you enjoyed your ride. 1693 01:27:15,142 --> 01:27:16,448 Whee! 1694 01:27:19,973 --> 01:27:21,584 The conductor would like us to tell you 1695 01:27:21,758 --> 01:27:25,849 that we're approaching inclement weather ahead. 1696 01:27:27,546 --> 01:27:30,419 I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have looked at you. 1697 01:27:31,158 --> 01:27:34,031 Congratulations, you are a Miranda. 1698 01:27:34,205 --> 01:27:36,555 Gentle and compassionate, but also-- 1699 01:27:36,729 --> 01:27:38,557 [laughing] 1700 01:27:40,298 --> 01:27:41,168 Okay. 1701 01:27:41,343 --> 01:27:42,300 I hope you had a pleasant 1702 01:27:42,474 --> 01:27:43,562 and enjoyable ride. 1703 01:27:43,736 --> 01:27:45,303 Come back again soon. 1704 01:27:45,477 --> 01:27:46,696 [gasps] 1705 01:27:47,653 --> 01:27:51,266 You see, this is exactly why we don't talk to you girls. 1706 01:27:54,878 --> 01:27:59,143 You see, this is exactly-- Would you stop it. Sorry. 1707 01:27:59,317 --> 01:28:01,014 - My face hidden? - You are. 1708 01:28:01,188 --> 01:28:03,582 [stifled laughter] 1709 01:28:03,756 --> 01:28:04,931 [clears throat] 1710 01:28:06,368 --> 01:28:09,501 You see, this... 1711 01:28:11,198 --> 01:28:13,897 Sorry. Fuck. I got it, I got it, okay. Here we go. 1712 01:28:14,071 --> 01:28:16,116 [crew member] And look right into the camera. Mouth open. 1713 01:28:16,291 --> 01:28:18,641 The burning flesh! 1714 01:28:20,773 --> 01:28:23,123 - [crew member] And... Cut. - [crew laughing] 1715 01:28:23,298 --> 01:28:25,169 - Come again. - I plan on it. 1716 01:28:25,343 --> 01:28:26,388 Oh! 1717 01:28:27,040 --> 01:28:28,172 What the hell? 1718 01:28:28,738 --> 01:28:30,130 [chuckles] 1719 01:28:31,262 --> 01:28:33,264 [grunting] 1720 01:28:34,483 --> 01:28:36,267 [laughs] This is so stupid. 1721 01:28:38,095 --> 01:28:39,879 ♪ All aboard the party train ♪ 1722 01:28:44,231 --> 01:28:45,929 - Have a lovely day. - Love your nails. 1723 01:28:46,103 --> 01:28:47,626 - You would. - Oh, God. 1724 01:28:49,193 --> 01:28:52,762 And you two will never be Glamazonian material. 1725 01:28:57,506 --> 01:29:00,683 - [crew member] Okay. Wow. - [all laughing] 1726 01:29:00,857 --> 01:29:02,598 [crew member] And cut. Okay. 1727 01:29:02,772 --> 01:29:04,600 On to the next scene. [laughs] 1728 01:29:04,774 --> 01:29:06,689 - What is that? - What is this? 1729 01:29:07,516 --> 01:29:09,605 I think it's shampoo. 1730 01:29:09,779 --> 01:29:11,781 - Is that funny? - Is it shampoo? 1731 01:29:11,955 --> 01:29:14,261 [crew member] Okay, cut. Let's clean up their hands, please. 1732 01:29:14,436 --> 01:29:15,959 - Well, it smells good. - It smells great. 1733 01:29:16,699 --> 01:29:18,091 Thank you for riding with us, ma'am. 1734 01:29:18,265 --> 01:29:19,528 Please don't touch me. 1735 01:29:22,269 --> 01:29:24,271 - Ugh, it was polyblend. - Mm. 1736 01:29:24,446 --> 01:29:26,839 Don't worry. I've got this. 1737 01:29:29,320 --> 01:29:30,800 - Passengers! - [crew member] Oh, my God. 1738 01:29:30,974 --> 01:29:33,977 So too early. Nun. 1739 01:29:34,412 --> 01:29:36,371 [crew laughing] 1740 01:29:36,588 --> 01:29:38,677 [all laughing] 1741 01:29:39,025 --> 01:29:40,505 - Religious freedom. - [crew member] You're so sweet. 1742 01:29:40,679 --> 01:29:42,202 I'm glad you're praying for everybody. 1743 01:29:42,377 --> 01:29:45,815 Oh, wait! Stop that train! 1744 01:29:45,989 --> 01:29:47,556 Thank you for choosing Glamazonian. 1745 01:29:47,730 --> 01:29:49,819 - Yuck, not you again. - Wait, but I'm-- 1746 01:29:49,993 --> 01:29:51,734 - That's lovely. - Oh! 1747 01:29:56,434 --> 01:29:57,479 [gasps] 1748 01:30:03,136 --> 01:30:05,051 Uh... Hello? 1749 01:30:07,314 --> 01:30:08,490 Hello? 115433