All language subtitles for S04E16 - Rabid

Yeah? Sir, you want to join us for a
little pre-trial snack?

No, you guys go without me.

I still got a few delicates I got to
wring out before court.

All right, sir, what happened?

Well, all my clothes and most of my
possessions got drenched by the water.

The water which came from? The big
hoses.

Did I mention the fire?

No.

There was a fire in my apartment
building last night. Not much was

burned, but the smoke and water damage
will take a couple of days to clean up.

Everything I own was soaked.

So then, under your robe, you're... Cool
and breezy, yes, ma'am.

Very chic, sir. No unsightly panty line.

I'm glad you weren't hurt, sir. Well,
thank God for small miracles.

In fact, here he is.

four-legged toilet brush.

Whoa, pungent little dickens, isn't he?

Well, I admit he's a bit gamey.

Sir, a herd of wildebeest after a
year-long migration across the Serengeti

Plain is a bit gamey.

That dog stinks.

Thank you, Mr. Mutual of Omaha.

This dog saved my life. He barked and
woke me up just in the nick of time.

Wonder what his name is.

Sludge puppy be my guest.

They're just teasing you, fella.

I'd say that any dog that helps put out
a fire deserves respect.

Put out a fire?

Fire marshal says it was the most
amazing thing he ever saw.

In fact, he's demonstrating his
technique on Dan's leg right now.

Let's call him Squirt.

I tell you what, let's make it a $50
fine in time served, okay?

That's a wrap, people. Last one out,
cleans up.

Sir? Oh, sir.

Sir, here are those reefs you wanted.

Eee.

Sir?

Yeah?

Sir, have you thought about where you're
going to stay tonight?

Well, I haven't really decided. I don't
suppose any hotel is going to take me

with the dog. And after what he did for
me, I don't really have the heart to

take him to the pound.

Well, you know, you can always stay at
my place.

You sure it wouldn't be a problem? No,
not at all.

Unless, of course, word leaks out that
I'm fraternizing with a judge.

I mean, that sort of thing is considered
breach of judicial ethics, which

probably could lead to dismissal.

Possibly even disbarment.

Say about ten, then?

I'll take a rain check.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Sir, I'd let you stay with me tonight,
but Cornley's pregnant and up half the

night retching and heaving and
screaming.

And having a guest around would kind of
take the romance out of him.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Rosalind. Don't even think it, sir.

I'm feuding with my neighbors and things
are starting to get ugly.

What's the problem?

Oh, wild parties, loud music, guttural
moans.

All night, every night.

Maybe you should talk to him.

I did.

I said, if you don't like it, move.

Sir, I'd love to have you, but, well, I
got a lady coming over tonight.

Oh, Shannon, you bawdy, baldy bailiff,
you.

this vision of delight?

Myrna. She's with the circus.

You ever see one of those people they
shoot out of a cannon?

You mean? Myrna catches them.

Sir? Sir, here's your dog.

Oh, great.

Hey, he smells wonderful.

Yeah, the guys in holding de-loused him
for you.

Well, wasn't that nice of them?

if you could stay with me.

Well, Dan, I just assumed you'd be busy
with some crew-cut Amazon princess with

a great body and a bad attitude.

That's Saturday.

Tonight, I'd be thrilled if you would
stay with me, and I wouldn't want you to

feel any special debt or obligation.

That's very thoughtful of you, Dan.

Although I don't see how you could help
it, considering the fact that I'll be

giving you shelter and the basic
necessities of life in a time of crisis

at absolutely no charge.

Thank you for helping me maintain my
dignity.

What are friends for?

And the dog's no problem?

Oh, no, no, no. That little guy's number
one in my book.

That little guy's number two on your
shoe.

Just a fashion tip.

That really doesn't go with a blue suit.

Here we are. You know something? I
realize you've never been here before,

have you? No, this is virgin territory
to me.

For me, too, sometimes.

Listen, you can sleep on the couch, and
I'll make up a little bed for Fido in

the microwave.

Dan, I gotta say I'm surprised.

This apartment is very tasteful. In
fact, it's sort of classy, even. Thank

you. I have a deep appreciation for the
finer things in life, like my antique

Chinese vase here, my Monet print.

Your his-and-her coffins?

We found the bedroom.

Actually, it's more of a rumpus room.

Dan, that's no room. That is like
something out of Dante's Inferno.

That is a bizarre...

Twisted leather and chrome, vision drawn
from the depth, nay, from the very

bowels of hell.

My decorator really came through, didn't
he?

Listen, make yourself comfortable. My
home is your home.

I want you to stay here just as long as
you want.

Hello? Yes. Okay, fine.

I want you out of here now.

Just for a little while.

A couple of stewardess friends of mine
are coming over to return me to a locked

and upright position.

A couple of them, huh?

That's great. We can double.

Oh, no, no, no. Harry, you don't
understand. They're both going to fly

fielding.

Should I hang around in case you get
bumped?

Please, not tonight. They're coming all
the way in from Sweden. They're only

going to be in town tonight.

They're Swedish, huh?

Yes.

Ursula the Rude and Inga the
Unquenchable.

Well, hell,

I guess I could go catch a movie. Oh,
great, great. Look, there's a classic

thing right around the corner.

Sex kittens go to Mars.

Dame Judith Evans, right?

Listen, you better hurry. Don't want to
miss that cartoon.

What about my dog?

Oh, he can stay here. I'll take care of
it. Well, I hope you do, because, you

know, I've gotten kind of attached to
him.

He's gotten kind of attached to my shin.

Well, that little Casanova.

Look at him go.

I guess that's what they call puppy
love.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey. Get off. I'm not that kind of leg.

Here you go.

Dan's best friend. Now, you two have
fun. Take care of him. Uh-huh.

Bye now. Say bye-bye to the judge.

Great. The Super Bowl of sex is about to
start, and I'm stuck here with Humpty

the Wonder Puppet.

Hey, Dougie.

Hey, Dougie, look.

Hey, Dougie, look.

Look at the pretty bod.

You want to play?

Yeah,

right.

afraid of an eight-pound flea bag.

I could use a cigarette.

You could?

Do you smoke?

No.

But I'm thinking about starting.

Oh, Harry.

You mean Bruce?

L'chaim.

Hey, Dan, your lifestyle is your
business.

But as a friend, I gotta tell you, you
can do much, much better.

I may not look like much, but you won't
find a better M.D. in this borough, at

least not one who makes house calls.

He's your doctor.

Yes.

I knew that.

He lives next door. He was kind enough
to come over to patch up the hole that

your mutt bit in my hindquarters.

Thanks, Dan. I'm sorry.

Oh, speaking of sorry, some woman
called, said she and her friend were

running late.

But they'd be by later. Oh, Judas the
priest. I forgot all about Ursula and

Inga. Ursula and Inga?

Swedish stewardesses.

Oh, take two of these now. Two more when
the rash breaks out.

One of these days, I'm going to write a
paper about him.

Dan, are you sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah. It's just the proverbial flesh
wound. I think the Swedes have a cure

for it.

Where's the dog? I've got to take him
with me. You do? The dog ran away. He

did? That's bad news. It is.

Who is this geek?

What do you mean, bad news?

What do you think I mean?

Rabies.

Rabies.

Bruce, come on. That dog wasn't sick.

You can't tell by looking. He's got to
be examined.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me a nip
on the butt from some mongrel and I

could come down with a disease that will
snuff out my life?

Let's put it this way.

Yeah. Oh, God!

Don't worry about it. All you have to do
is find him within 24 hours.

Well, what if we don't?

He'll have to go through a series of
shots that are so excruciatingly painful

that death would be preferable.

I'm kidding.

It's not like that anymore.

It's not?

Nah, it's no more painful than any other
long series of intramuscular injections.

Ah, you really had me going there.

Dan, we are so sorry. This must be
frightening.

No, this bedroom is frightening.

Hey, a mirror on the ceiling.

You can lie in that bed and shave at the
same time.

Excuse me, can we talk about my personal
habits later?

We've got to find that dog before I turn
into Cujo.

Right, people, we gotta get out on the
street, we gotta talk to people, we

gotta put up posters, and we gotta find
that dog. We only got about 20 hours

left. Oh, sure. Four people, Manhattan?

No problem.

Thought I'd stop by, see how the patient
is. Well, naturally, under the

circumstances, he's a little upset.

Well, that's to be expected.

Just try to keep his mind off it. Bruce,
isn't there anything you can give me?

Hi, there.

Uh,

just take two of these and tell me about
it in the morning.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Did the party start without us?

Oh, no, no, no, we were just leaving.

Over three live groups.

Yes, you just have fun written all over
you, don't you?

No, but what a great idea!

Ah, if you'll excuse us.

Make America proud.

I have T-bills, and I'm willing to spend
them on you.

Hi, ladies.

I'm Harry, but then aren't we all?

Danny, is there something wrong?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Did I mention I do magic tricks?

See, I just made you disappear.

Listen, girls, I'm really glad that you
called and came over, but I'm afraid

that, well, I just can't.

What? I think he just wants to watch.

No, no, no. That's the last thing on my
mind tonight.

You see, I'm really, really anxious
right now. It's just that I might...

Well, I could... What are you trying to
say?

Not tonight. I have rabies.

Thought you should know.

Thank you, Dan.

Yes, thank you, Dan.

And since you're being so honest with
us, I think we should be honest with

you, too.

Huh? What? What are you talking about?

We used to be... men.

I have been walking the streets for
nearly 20 hours now.

Did he come up with anything?

Yes.

119 indecent proposals.

Now I know how Dan's prom date must have
felt.

Speaking of the devil, where is he?

He's in the bathroom, and he's pretty
nervous.

Can't say that I blame him. I've been
reading about rabies in this medical

book. Scary, huh?

Listen to this.

The virus can cause many problems,
including inflammation of the brain.

leading to violent seizures.

Oh, my God!

Don't panic. Just toothpaste.

Stan's been brushing his teeth for 16
hours straight.

Why? Because Inga and Ursula turned out
to be Lars and Gunnar.

The old spice should have tipped me off,
right?

Well, wait around. It'll become a movie
of the week.

What are you reading?

Oh, nothing.

Rabies? Let me see it. Dan, you
really... Let me see it.

Once symptoms appear, no known treatment
can save the victim from a slow and

agonizing demise.

That's kind of pesky.

Also, the treatment itself can be toxic
and induce seizures and convulsions,

sometimes leading to death.

Okay, really pesky.

God! Dan, the stuff in that book is all
outdated. The doctor said that the

treatment's very safe now.

Yeah, Dan, that stuff you read, it very,
very rarely happens anyway.

No, this is it. I can feel it.

I can feel the illness welling up inside
of me.

And now the time has come.

And I must face the final curtain.

But I did it my way.

Dan, you did it every way.

I'm back.

Hey, Bull.

What are you doing with the tubbo
puppies?

I looked everywhere. I couldn't find
your dog, but... You just couldn't

resist picking up every stray you saw,
could you?

They're just such helpless, lost little
creatures.

You could have left them in your car.

With the alligator?

You're not serious.

You won't believe this. Some wacko's got
a crocodile in a car out there.

It's an alligator.

You can tell by the snout.

Proof? I feel horrible. I know I'm
infected with rabies. Oh, in that case,

you'll have to pay cash.

This is great. I am dying, and I got
Shecky Schweitzer here treating me.

Would you relax?

There's no way the symptoms could
manifest this quickly.

Dan, you're overreacting.

Everything's gonna work out. You got
good friends out there, and I promise

you they are not gonna give up until
they find that dog.

We give up.

Dan? You gotta believe me.

We did everything we could.

We looked everywhere.

All I can say is, sorry.

Got any ho-hos?

That's great. Why don't we just have a
little farewell party for Daddy Boy

here? Well, if you feel up to it.

Okay, Dan.

Tomorrow morning, I'll take you to the
hospital. We'll get you started on those

shots. Did you hear that?

Sounded like scratching.

Well, welcome home.

I sure am glad to see you.

Welcome back, fella.

Oh, we sure missed you.

I cannot believe he actually fetched
that ball I threw out of the window.

We were just playing.

So, Bruce, what do we do? Do we put him
in quarantine until we find out he's

okay? It doesn't work that way.

We'll have to give him a brain tissue
analysis.

Won't that hurt?

Lady, that dog has to be destroyed.

You're gonna kill him?

No! Hey, wait a minute, Bruce. Are you
absolutely sure there's no other way?

It's Dan's life or the dog's.

I say we vote.

Cute. This is my life we're talking
about.

He's right.

It's not fair, I can tell you that.

You already saved my life, and now
you're going to save Dan's.

This is how you get paid back, huh?

Don't look at me with those doggy eyes.

It's hard enough as it is.

I want to stay with you all the way to
the end.

And I'm going to miss you, fella.

His name is Coco.

My dog's name is Coco?

Yes, and he's my dog. Oh, thank God I
saw those posters.

Oh, come to mommy, little sweetie.

It's my itchy, bitchy, oopy, boopy,
whoopy.

Coco is my baby.

And the resemblance is amazing.

Pardon me, excuse me. You remember me,
Terminal Man here?

Ma'am, has this dog been vaccinated for
rabies? Of course. Of course, I have all

his shot records at home in his
scrapbook.

Yes, the field dinger lives!

I guess you gotta take the bitter with
the sweet.

Ma'am, I'll need you to bring the dog
and his shot records down to the health

department. Oh, I don't understand.

What happened here?

Oh, Coco chomped Danny's hiney.

That's terrible.

We were afraid that there might have
been a disease transmitted.

Oh, it's well you might.

God knows where he's been.

Sir,

I have to talk to you. I'm kind of busy,
boss. It's important.

Well, then come into my office.

I said talk in my office.

I call him

Muffin.