All language subtitles for 2-08

You should get one of these.

No, thank you.

Do you even know what this is?

It is a fitness orb and it has
completely changed my life.

Forget everything you thought
you knew about ab workouts.

Done.

This ab workout is specifically
designed to strengthen your core.

Sorry. It's all right.

Numerous health benefits,

strengthens your back,

better performance in sports,

more enjoyable sex.

You're not having sex.

Plus, improves yourreflexes.

See, I would have caught that.

Okay, you know what,
how much is that?

It's only 25 bucks.

Wow.

Okay.

Pam, can I see you in my office?

Pam: It's performance
review day, company-wide.

Last year, my performance
review started

with Michael asking me
what my hopes and dreams were

and it ended with him telling me
he could bench press 190 pounds.

So, I don't really know
what to expect.

Pam, you're trustworthy.
Thank you.

Oh, no. And a woman.

And I want you to listen
to a voicemail from my boss.

Jan: Michael, it's jan.
I guess I missed you.

I 'ii be there this afternoon
for performance reviews.

I hope it's understood that that
will be our only topic of discussion.

See you soon.

First impressions?

Just off the top,

I think she'll be here
this afternoon.

Michael: My boss is
coming in today.

The lovely jan Levinson-gould.

Well, no gould,
the gould has been...

Divorce.

The awkward part is that this is the first
time we'll be seeing each other since...

Well...

Michael: It was really nothing.

We just sort of
got caught up in the moment.

The vulnerable divorcée

gives herself to the "understanding
with rugged good looks" office manager.

Just, she didn't want it
to continue for some reason.

We both didn't.
I didn't want it.

We both didn't want it to
continue. It was not professional.

When people say
something's mutual, it never is.

But this was mutual.

Jan: I guess I missed you.

"I guess I missed you."

So she misses me?

She missed you.

But then she goes on to say, "that
will be our only topic of discussion."

That doesn't mean anything.
Those are just words.

I have one idea
of what it means.

Okay, yeah. What? What?

Well, I don't think you're
gonna be very happy with this.

Oh, great.

All right, well,
now I'm in a terrible mood.

Let's do your
performance review.

Because she's conflicted.

She has to be professional,
but she's fighting feelings for you.

Why... that's great news. That_

Why would I not like that?

Just 'cause that you work
together and it might be awkward.

Wow, wow.

All right, let's listen
to that again.

Jan: Michael, it's jan.
I guess I missed you.

Oh, hey.

Listen, Jim,

here's a little tip
for your performance review.

Okay. Tell Michael that

we should be stocking more of
the double-tabbed Manila file folders.

We don't have double-tabbed
Manila file folders.

Oh, yes, we do. No, we don't.

Yeah, it's a new product. So,
you should just suggest that to him

and then he'll be sure
to give you a raise.

All right.

Well, I'm not asking
for a raise.

I'm gonna actually be asking
for a pay decrease.

That is so stupid.
What if he gives it to you?

Then iwin.

You know what? I am going to
zone you out for the rest of today.

Okay. I need to stay focused.

And I don't have to
see you tomorrow or Sunday,

and please don't call me, and
we'll see how things go Monday.

Stupid.

Wait, wait, one thing.

By tomorrow,
you mean Saturday, right?

Duh. Duh!

Today is Thursday, but
Dwight thinks that it's Friday.

And that's what I'll be
working on this afternoon.

Sometimes women say more in their
pauses than they say in their words.

Really? Oh, yes.

Let's listen to it again, and this
time, really listen to the pauses.

God, Stanley. That's freaking
brilliant. How do you know that?

Did you learn that
on the streets?

I'm sorry. Oh, it's okay. I
did learn it on the streets.

On the ghetto, in fact.

No kidding.

It's all about my bonus.

Michael and jan
definitely made out.

Oh! Maybe more.

Oh, also it is Thursday,
but Dwight thinks it's Friday.

So, keep that going.

Oh, yay!

Good work, Stanley.
Great performance review!

Stanley in the house, everybody!

Angela, your turn.

Angela: I actually look
forward to performance reviews.

I did the youth beauty pageant
circuit and I enjoyed that quite a bit.

I really enjoy being judged.

I believe I hold up very well
to even severe scrutiny.

Michael? Yeah?

Jan's on the phone for you.

Angela, you were totally
satisfactory this year.

Interesting. Jan is calling me.
Maybe itwasn't so mutual after all.

Yeah?

Jan: Michael...

Hello. To what do I
owe this pleasure?

I'm returning your many calls.
Well, hello to you, too.

Yeah, I was just...

I just wanted to
get some closure

on what transpired
between us at the meeting

we had in the parking lot
of the chili's.

No, we won't be
discussing that, Michael.

The only things I wanna talk about
during your performance review

are your concrete ideas
to improve your branch.

Well, surely,
this review is a formality

because of what happened at our
meeting in the parking lot of the chili's.

The review is anything
but a formality, Michael.

And I expect you
to forget anything

that you think may have
happened between us

and exhibit completely
professional behavior.

Been thinking about you.

Okay, that is an example of
completely unprofessional behavior.

I don't see how
that's unprofessional.

Michael? Yeah?

Are the cameras in there
with you, in your office?

No. They are not.

Yes, they are.

That's my girlfriend.

I heard they made out
and had sex.

I heard they just
made out. That's it.

Well, I heard they made out
and had sex.

Don't talk about it.

Office romances are nobody's
business but the people involved.

Romances?

Pam, I have ideas
on a daily basis, I know I do.

I have a clear memory
of telling people my ideas.

Is there any chance that you wrote
any of my ideas down in a folder,

like an idea folder?

Sorry.

That's unfortunate.

How about the suggestion box?
There's tons of ideas in there.

What suggestion box?

The suggestion box
that I put out.

And people could put in
suggestions anonymously.

Maybe there's prizes.

Oh, yeah, I think I remember
that from back when I first started.

Why don't you find it and
then tell people to get their...

No, never mind. I'll tell them.

Hello? Everybody?
Yeah, attention, please.

Jan Levinson's coming very soon

and so we're gonna have our
weekly suggestion box meeting.

So you can all get in your
constructive compliments asap.

Don't you mean
constructive criticism?

What did I say?

You said constructive compliments.
That doesn't make any sense.

Well, Kelly, that was neither
constructive nor a compliment,

so maybe you should
stop criticizing my English

and start making some
suggesfions, okay?

Hey, Dan, this is Jim.
It is about 11:15

and I wanted to know
what you were up to tomorrow,

which is the 15th,
and that is a...

Saturday. Saturday.

So just let me know
what you're doing tomorrow,

Saturday, for lunch.

Okay, talk to you soon.

Jan: Address this
when we meet again.

Okay. Okay, bye-bye.

Would you please tell
Michael that I'm here?

Pam: Sure.

Hi, jan. How are you? Hi,
Michael. I'm good. How are you?

Good to see you.

Nice to see you. Okay.

Okay, why don't we just
step to my office?

We're gonna go in here. Could
we please go into your office?

Yeah, right after you.

Apre's vous.

No calls.

I'll get that. Oh, thank you.

It's nice to see you. Nice
to see you, too, Michael.

Really? Not like that.

Oh, well...

You know, Michael, I think I need to
make something clear right off the top.

I'm not going to discuss anything with
you other than dunder Mifflin business.

Ahrqht penod.

Do we understand
each other? Absolutely.

I'm a little confused because
first it's, like, all kissy-kissy

and then it's, like, all regret
because, "oh, I regret that.

"But, wait, I'm still
gonna call you.

"But we're just
gonna talk business,

"and I may come down there and
fire you if you don't do your job."

But what were we talking about
when we first kissed?

Business.

So, are you still in the middle of
the performance reviews then?

No, no, no. Ifinished all that.
I'm very fast. I'm not too fast.

Not like, "wham, bam,
thank you, ma'am."

But I do say,
"thank you, ma'am."

But I'm not like, "wham bam."

Not that there's anything wrong
with "wham bam," if it's consensual.

We're talking
about office stuff.

Can I ask you a question? No.

This is a business question.
It's nothing personal, I promise.

Fine.

Are you wearing
a new perfume today?

How is that a business question?

Well, you're wearing it
at the office, and...

It... I'm sorry, no offense,
but it's really sexy.

Please don't smell me, Michael.

Hey, Jim. Hey. How's it going?

Oh, my god, did you see
the apprentice last night?

Of course. It's on every Thursday
night, so how could I miss it?

Can you believe who trump
fired? No, that was unbelievable.

Who? Who was it?
Who did he fire?

You didn't see it?

I went out and got drunk with
my laser tag team last night. Crap!

Never go out on a Thursday
night. What the hell was I thinking?

I don't understand...

Hold on. Sorry.

Yes, Pam.

Pam: Michael, it's time for
the suggestion box meeting.

I'm kind of in the middle of
something. Lwish you wouldn't interrupt.

You told me to buzz you

about the suggestion box
meeting when jan was here.

I did not, not,
not use those words.

I'd like to sit in on that meeting.
Is it happening right now?

No, it's in, like, 10 minutes.

E veryone's waiting
in the conference room.

Great. Very good.

Michael: Why are we here?
Because I value your opinions.

Now, I know a lot of you don't think
that I read your suggestions, but I do.

I just sift through them
every week

and I really look and scrutinize
to see what you guys are writing.

So, let's just read
some of these suckers, okay?

All right. Number one.

"What should we do
to prepare for y2k?"

"What should we do
to prepare for y2k?"

I thought you read these
every week?

Well, obviously, this
one got stuck in the box.

That happens occasionally.

Dwight: It happens
occaflonahy and, so...

One down! Next suggestion.

"We need better outreach for
employees fighting depression."

Okay. All right,
enough with the jokes.

Nobody in here is suffering
from depression.

That sounds serious, Michael.

Oh, okay. Well, yeah?
Who wrote it?

Tom? Tom.

Then, it is a joke because
there's nobody in here named Tom.

Tom? He worked in accounting
up until about a year ago.

Tom.

Oh, that guy?
That guy was weird.

Lmlnght, nextsuggesfion.
Nextsuggesfion.

"You need to do
something about your b.O."

"You need to do
something about your b.O."

Okay. Now, I don't know who
this suggestion is meant for,

but it's more of
a personal suggestion.

And it's not an
office suggestion.

Far be it from me to use this as
a platform to embarrass anybody.

Aren't the suggestions
meant for you?

Well, Toby, if by me

you are inferring
that I have b.O.,

then I would say that that is
a very poor choice of words.

Michael, he wasn't inferring, he
was implying. You were inferring.

Was I, creed?

Okay, well, you know
what I am implying

is that when we're on an elevator
together, I should maybe take the stairs.

Because talk about stank.

Not that I would ever say
something like that in public,

and I never have,
and I never will.

I just think it's something that
we should all be aware of, okay?

Now that we've learned this,
let's continue.

See, this is good.

We're learning and we're
figuring some stuff out.

"You need to do something
about your coffee breath." Okay, no!

"You need to do something..." Shut
up, shut up, shut up, Dwight. Okay.

I don't think you people are grasping
the concept of the suggestion box.

Somefimesyou talk
to us real close. Yeah?

Is that hard for you?
All right. Well...

Well, when you have
coffee breath it's hard...

I'll work on that.

Okay, let's keep going.

Dwight: Just keep it going.

Yup. What do we have here?
We have somebody's piece of gum.

Somebody put a piece of gum in
there. This is not a garbage can.

This is the future of our company.
This is not a place for gum, okay?

I don't want to have
to read these tomorrow.

Yeah. Who wants to
come in on a Saturday?

Yeah... what?
All right. Next suggestion.

"Next suggestion."

"Don't..." okay, that's blank.
Don't... just...

Put it...
"Don't sleep with your boss."

Do you think this is
referring to you boning jan?

I can't... I don't understand
why you're so upset.

I can't... all right,
please sit down.

I'm going to sit over here,
you're gonna sit over there.

Why are you...
Let me ask you this.

Please sit yourself down.
Let me ask you something.

What, Michael? Where
did you get your outfit?

You're gonna give me this
raise. I deserve this raise.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

The least you can do is keep
my salary consistent with inflation.

Yes! Why are you gonna
give me this raise?

Because I'm awesome!

I am awesome!

I just don't understand why you
have to pretend like nothing happened.

Because nothing did, Michael.

I'm not gonna say anything more about it
and I would advise that you do the same.

Look_. Michael.

Oh, my god. I'm sorry.
I'm interrupting. Oh, god.

Were you guys making out?
No, Dwight. Come in.

Great. What do you want, Dwight?

I am ready for my
performance review.

Okay, great.

Your performance has been
adequate. You may leave. Goodbye.

Is this how you've been
conducting all the reviews, Michael?

Do you want to talk now? Good.
Okay, Dwight, leave.

Wait, I would like to
discuss my raise.

Why on earth would
we give you a raise?

That is an excellent question.
Thank you for asking it.

Let me bring up one word.
Dedication.

I have never been late.

Also, I have never
missed a day due to illness,

even when I had
walking pneumonia.

I even come in on holidays.

You do? How do you get in?

I have a copy of your key.

That's a serious offense.
That is a serious offense.

Very serious.

As is toying with a man's heart.

Oh, Michael, for god's sakes.

I'd also further like to talk
about my merits in the workplace.

Okay, third wheel, why don't
you do that? For instance,

the time I brought in
deerjerky for the whole office.

That was deer? Gross. Oh,
god! Dwight: You liked it.

Did not.
Jan, have you ever had deer?

It's a delicacy. No.

And, you know what?
It's an aphrodisiac.

So when we're done here,

you guys could go over
to the antler lodge,

sample some deer,
and talk about my raise.

What do you say, jan?

Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna step outside,
collect my thoughts,

and I will return
in about 10 minutes.

Okay, you just clear your
head. Thank you, Dwight.

Look, I know it's your job,
I know you have to ask,

but I promise you I'm not
gonna discuss it with him,

I'm certainly not gonna
discuss it with you.

Do you have alight?

And in conclusion, I think Lex
Luther said it best when he said,

"dad, you have no idea

"what I'm capable of."

That's from Superman?
Smallville.

And that is why I feel
I deserve this raise.

Pam: Do you think Michael
and jan actually...

I don't really wanna picture
it. But thank you, Pam.

How do you come back from that?

You don't,

I don't think, come
all the way back, you know.

Especially working together.

No, I mean doing that
with Michael.

How do you come back from that
as a human being?

Yeah. No, I don't think you can.

I'm heading back to New York.

Alan and I will conduct
your performance review

over the phone tomorrow.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay? Good.

No, no, no, come...
I just want to know why.

Michael, now is
not the time or the place.

Okay, so you're saying that
there is a different time or place

that we could have
this discussion?

No. I am saying we are never
gonna have this conversation.

Well, okay. What? Never?
As in never, ever, ever?

Or never as in
there's still a chance?

Never for me always means
never, ever, ever.

I just want to know, from the
horse's mouth, what is the dealio?

You know, Michael...
Am I too short?

Michael, it has nothing to do
with your looks, okay?

It's your personality. I mean,
you're obnoxious, and rude,

and stupid, and you do have
coffee breath, by the way.

And I don't agree
about the b.O.,

but you are very,
very inconsiderate.

Really? Really.Youte_.

You're a great guy, okay?

I appreciate that, thank you.

And you were very sweet.

And you stayed up with me
and talked to me

and cried with me,
and I appreciate that.

No, I didn't. I was...
I don't cry.

But I just am not in a place right now
where I'm looking for a relationship.

So, we can still work together,
we can still be friends, but...

Okay?

So my looks have
nothing to do with it?

Oh, god.

Jan is not in a place where she feels
she can have a relationship right now,

and it doesn't matter
how great a guy I am.

And that is all I needed.

I'm good. I can go home now.

Hey, it's 12:20.
Where the hell's Dwight?

Noidea.

"Never missed a day," my ass.

I'm here! I'm here!

I'm here. It's okay!