All language subtitles for 2-02

Hey, what's up? Hey.

Any e-mails today?

I don't think so. No?

Check your spam folder.

There it is.

What?

"Fifty signs your priest
might be Michael Jackson."

Well done.

Kmdmg. Tomcal

Michael:
I am "king of forwards."

It's how I like to do business.
Everybodyjoking around.

We're like friends.

I am Chandler and Joey.

And Pam is Rachel.

And Dwight is Kramer.

So, the monkey does
the sex thing right here.

That's funny. That's funny.

Not offensive, because
it's nature, educafional

do you want the link? 'Cause
then you could forward it around.

Consider it?

Maybe, maybe.

Well, we'll see.

Because I don't know if...

Michael: Come on.

What has two thumbs
and likes to bone your mom?

This guy!

Michael: Oh, you are so bad.

This guy is out of control.
He is a madman.

Better get the bleep button
ready for him. Bleep-bleep.

What's up, Halpert? Still queer?

Michael: Todd packer and I
are total "bff."

"Best friends forever." He and
I came up together as salesmen.

One time, we were out,

and we met this set of twins,

and packer told them
that we were brothers.

And so, you know,
one thing led to another,

and we brought them back
to the motel,

and then packer
did both of them.

It was awesome.

Okay.

Grade-a gossip for you. Right
now. Randall, cfo, resigned.

Nobody knows why.

Are you kidding?
Everyone knows why.

You don't know? Okay,
check this out, all right.

What? So, here's the story.

Yeah? So Randall is
nailing his secretary, right?

And she's totally incompetent.
Really? Here we go.

Buckle up!
It's gonna be a bumpy one!

We're talking blonde
incompetent, right? Oh, yeah.

Like, 10 words a minute?
Talking?

Well, to be fair, blondes,
brunettes, you know,

there are a lot of dumb people out
there. Right. They are women, right?

I didn't
say it, I didn't say it!

Come on, I said it.

And then suddenly,
for no reason,

this bimbo blows the whistle on
the whole thing just to be a bitch.

What'd I tell you
about the bleep button?

Hey, what has two thumbs
and hates Todd packer?

This guy.

Meant to ask you, can you think you
can get somebody to drive me around

because of the dui situation?

Bad boy.

Ryan?

Come on, kid, let's go.

Man, that Todd packer can do
anything. Except pass that breathalyzer.

You a big William hung fan?

Why does everybody ask
me that? Who the hell is that?

I'm really excited to
meet your mom. You are?

My mom is coming in to visit.

She lives, like, two hours away,
and she doesn't have a cell phone.

Which is cool, 'cause it's kind of
adding some suspense to my day,

and I keep looking over at
the door, hoping she'll walk in.

I'm excited to show her around.

She really wants
to meet everybody.

Oh, yeah? Good. 'Cause
I have a lot of questions.

Yeah. Oh, really?

"As a child,
did Pam show any traits

"that would hint towards her
future career as a receptionist?"

Hey, send me that link
to the monkey sex video.

I'm going to forward it
like it's hot.

Yes!

Forward it like it's hot,
forward it like it's hot.

Old school.

Michael?

Yes, Toby?

I need to talk to you in your
office, it'll just take two seconds.

Literally two seconds?

Toby is in hr, which technically
means he works for corporate.

So he's really
not a part of our family.

Also, he's divorced, so he's
really not a part of his family.

The full story is that Randall
resigned because of sexual harassment.

So corporate asked me
to do a five-minute review

of the company's
sexual harassment policy.

No. No, Toby, no.

It's really not a big deal.
It is a big deal.

It's a big deal.

What are we supposed to do,
scrutinize every little thing

we say and do all day?

I mean, come on.

And then, corporate is gonna
send in a lawyer...

What? No. Just to
refresh you on our policy.

What? He... no.

Okay, what is a lawyer
gonna come in and tell us?

To not send out hilarious
e-mails? Or not tell jokes?

Maybe not some of them,
maybe not inappropriate ones.

There is no such thing
as an appropriate joke.

That's why it's a joke.

Everyone. Hello, everyone? Hi.

Sorry to interrupt,
I know you're all busy,

and the last thing you want
is for a major interruption.

But Toby has an announcement
that he insists on making right now

in the middle of the day.
So take it away.

Yeah, okay.

Corporate would like us to do
a five-minute review

of the company's sexual harassment
policy, so I'll go over that later.

Michael: I wish you luck,
Toby, I really do.

But you are going to have
a mutiny on your hands.

And I just can't wait to see
how you handle it.

A guy goes to
a $5 lady of the night

and he gets crabs.

So the next day,
he goes back to complain.

And the woman says,

"hey, it was only $5.

"What did you expect, lobster?"

This is what's at stake.

Time to bring out the big guns.

I'm heading down to the
warehouse, where jokes are born.

Find a killerjoke that'll just blow
everybody away at the seminar later.

And remind them what
is great about this place.

So... here they are. Guys.

Wondering if I could
get your help for something?

I am looking for
a newjoke to tell.

And it needs to be just killer.

And it does not
need to be clean.

So what you got?

Like, a joke, a knock-knockjoke?

Yeah, no, well, I mean,
better. Better than that.

The type of stuff you
guys tell all day. You know?

Well...

Those are some awful
tight pants you have on.

Where'd you get them, like,
"queers r us"?

"Boys r us."

All right, all right, well,
good, yeah, but you know,

a joke, but
not necessarily at my expense.

So what've we got, like... man,
we could see all your business

coming around the corner, okay?

You need to, you know,
hide that.

Good thing you don't have
a lot of business to start with.

Okay.

But that was
still about me, so...

Hey, hey. What?

So you don't have the
biggest package, don't feel bad.

I don't feel bad.
I think he feels bad.

No, ldont vveh,
youlookae youfeelbad_.

Okay.
'Cause it's a little package.

Well, you know not exactly...
A little package!

What I was looking for,
but thanks, guys. Thank you.

You look good in those pants.
He gets it from his mama.

So remember, intent is
irrelevant. And that's it.

Pam?

I just wanted to say that, just,
my mom's coming in today.

Milf.

Thanks, Kevin.

Usually, the day we talk about
sexual harassment

is the day that everyone
harasses me as a joke.

She's coming in today,

and maybe just don't joke around
about that stuff in front of her.

Greatpoufl. Thank you.

In fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just
act every day like Pam's mom is coming in.

All right, that's it.

If anybody has any questions about
anything, you know where I sit in the back.

It is over? Toby: Yes.

Michael: No.
I can go over it with you.

I know, I know, it's good.

It is not over.
It is not over till it's over.

Toby: It's over.
Did he tell you everything?

Obviously, he didn't, because
you all still look relatively happy.

Albeit bored.

Do you realize what
we're losing? Seriously.

E-mail forwards. Exactly.

Can we afford to lose e-mail
forwards? Do we want that?

I hate them.

You send me these
filthy e-mails, and you say,

"forward them to 10 people
or you'll have bad luck."

Give me a break. Stanley?

How about that hot picture
you have by your desk?

Centerfold in the
catholic schoolgirl's outfit?

I mean, it is hot, it is sexy,
and it turns him on.

And I will admit, best part
of my morning is staring at it.

But what? Are we gonna
just take it away?

That is my daughter, she
goes to catholic girls' school.

I'm taking it down right now.

What about office romance?

Office relationships are
never a good idea.

So let's just try
to avoid them, but

if you already have one,
you should disclose it to hr.

All relationships?
Even a one-night stand?

I think the old honor system
was fine. For example,

I have never slept with an employee,
and believe me, I could have.

Yeah, Meredith.

No, no, Catherine! Remember
her? Remember how hot she was?

Dwight: Yes. She would
have definitely slept with me.

She wasn't that hot.
Yes, she was.

Toby: Okay, you know,
Michael... damn it, Kevin.

I'm in an office relationship.
It's special.

She's nice, she's shy, she's
actually here if you wanna meet her.

Hold on a second.

Oh, my god. Put on a shirt.
Put on...

I told you that you'd be on
camera. I'm sorry, she's European.

No, I told you that
you'd be on camera.

Stop.

What if Pam was a lesbian?

What if she brought
her "partner" in to work?

Would that be crossing
the line? Toby: No.

What if they made out
in front of everybody?

Toby: Well, that would be...
Michael: At home?

And I told everybody
everything about it?

Okay, I'm lost. Okay.

Well, then, let's act it out.

Pam, you will be girl a,
and girl b will be...

Okay, we'll use the doll.

Pam?

Pam.

I wish Todd packer was here,
'cause he would love this.

I wonder if anybody else
would like to join us?

We have to watch Toby's video
that he's showing us,

in order to brainwash us,

and I was wondering if
anybody would like to join in?

Gonna be fun. Got microwave
pizza. What do you say?

Jim? No thanks, I'm good.

That's what she said.

Pam?

My mother's coming.
That's what she said.

No, but, okay,
well, suit yourself.

Hey, Toby. Hey, Dwight.

You said that we could come
to you if we had any questions.

Sure.

Where is the clitoris?

On a website it said,
"at the crest of the labia."

What does that mean?

What does the
female vagina look like?

Technically,
I am in human resources,

and Dwight was asking
about human anatomy.

I'm just sad the public school
system failed him so badly.

You know, maybe when you get
really comfortable with each other,

you can ask for that.

Good.

Good. And...
I should get back to work.

Okay.

In today's fast-paced
business climate,

it can sometimes be hard to know when
a comment or an action crosses the line.

Let's take a look at a couple
of scenarios, and ask ourselves,

"where is the line?"

"The natural redhead."

Man: Hey, Marie.

Hey, Joe, Mike.

Settle a bet.

Are you a natural redhead?

Stop the video!

We go... stop it right there.
What?

That's that girl
from that thing.

I banged this girl right here.
That's her?

Yes, this is the one, you
remember? No, the party?

Darryl: Yes! You banged her?

Yes, right here. You are a naughty
girl! Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait. Hypocrite! Darryl:
Leave those lips alone!

Okay, she is a hypocrite.
That is such a scam. Okay.

Yes? Yes, I did.

Okay, well, we can talk
about that later, then.

Okay, you are never
gonna believe this.

The girl in the video we're
watching that corporate gave us,

Darryl banged her...

And he's about 90% sure.

Don't ever let this little bitch

drive you around town,
we got lost for half an hour.

I don't have any duls, so I
can drive myself, but thanks.

Where is Michael "snot"?
Sniffing some dude's thong?

Probably.

So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley.
I know a lot of iawyerjokes.

I love iawyerjokes.

Well, it's probably
because you don't get them.

When I said before that I was
"king of forwards,"

you gotta understand, that I
don't come up with this stuff.

I just forward it along.

You wouldn't arrest a guy who was just
delivering drugs from one guy to another.

You seem a little bit agitated,
Michael. What's the problem?

The problem is that
I am the boss,

and apparently
I can't say anything.

Well, that's true, in a way,
you can't say anything.

Where's the line?
Where's the line, jan?

Do you need to see
the video again, Michael?

No, I've seen the video.
He talked the whole time.

No, I didn't.

Michael: What?

Attention, everyone. Hello.

Yes, I just want you to know
that, this is not my decision,

but from here on out,
we can no longer be friends.

And when we talk about things
here, we must only discuss

work-associated things.

And you can consider this
my retirement from comedy.

And in the future, if I want
to say something funny,

or witty, or do an impression,

I will no longer ever
do any of those things.

Does that include
"that's what she said"?

Yes. Wow, that is really hard.

You really think
you can go all day long?

Well, you always left me
satisfied and smiling, so...

That's what she said!

Michael!

Michael: Come on!
Jan: Michael, please.

There he is. Please.

Packer: Come on.

You would have done the
same, you just didn't think of it first.

Michael. Michael, wease,
lreahy_ it's... that's...

It's not my sense of humor.
Okay.

Hello. Jan, Mr. O'Malley,

this is my lawyer, James
p. Albini. Your what?

I believe you may recognize
his face from the billboards.

He specializes in
free speech issues.

And motorcycle head injuries,
worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits.

This guy does it all.

Excuse me, I'm sorry. Michael,
Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer.

What? Mr. O'Malley
is our corporate lawyer.

We have him on retainer
to protect the company,

as well as upper-level
management such as yourself.

So I'm not in trouble?

I'm so used to
being the "bad boy."

I am so used to fighting corporate,
that I forget that I am corporate.

Upper management.

They hooked me up with
an attorney, to protect me.

You can't be too careful
about what you say.

Mo' money, mo' problems.

Okay, well, let's get you
out of here, James.

I think we're
under an hour still, so.

Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork
at home before I got here.

I know. Well, we'll talk about
it later. Thanks for coming in.

Hello.

Oh, my god. I finally made it.

Hello.

I love my mom.

Okay, that's probably the
most obvious statement ever.

Okay. This is all yours?

Yeah, I'm in charge of this whole
area. Oh, my goodness, that's great.

So a guy goes home,
tells his wife,

"honey, pack your bags,
I just won the lottery."

She goes, "oh, my god, that's
incredible, where are we going?"

He goes, "I don't know where you're
going. Just be out of here by 5:00."

Packer: Boom!

This is where I used
to keep my computer.

Oh, right, I remember,
with the picture.

But then I moved it. Yeah, yeah.

But I switched stuff around,
because I actually needed,

like, more room for
organization. Sure.

So this is, like,
an organization station.

Oh, there he is!

How are you? Hey, handsome.

Roy: You look great.
Oh, thank you.

So, we ready for dinner?

Well, you know, actually,
I kind of need to stall a bit.

But, it's okay, because I
am very used to killing time.

I don't believe that.

Okay, I'm gonna go
wait in the parking lot.

And what kind of tunes
you want for the ride?

A little classical, little
oldies? Anything is fine.

All right, I'll see you.

So, which one is Jim?

Mom.

I just wanted to know.
No, it's...

All right, okay. Okay.
Ten minutes.

Okay. Then we can go to dinner.

I'll make myself busy.

There's this guy, he's at a
nymphomaniac convention.

And he is psyched, 'cause all these
women are smoking hot, perfect 10s,

except for this one chick,
who looks a lot like...

Kevin: Phyllis?

Yeah. No, no, no,
thatcrossestheline.

Ex-squeeze me?

Not you.

Kevin,

just unwarranted, hostile
work environment, Kevin.

Well, packer said it.

No, you said it, he pointed.
A point is not a say.

Look, Kevin,
we are a family here,

and Phyllis is a valued member
of that family, like a grandmother.

I'm the same age as you,
Michael. I don't know about that.

We're the same
high school class...

Well, I have a late birthday, and
usually September is the cut-off point.

You know what? You
just crossed the line. Okay?

There's a line, and you went
over it. And you must be punished.

So go to your corner.
You mean, where my desk is?

Yes, your corner, go. Okay.

I have a lot of work
to do, anyway.

Oh, my. They really got
to you, didn't they?

They didn't get to me.

I got to them.

I am still the same old
Michael Scott.

New and improved.

You know what? I love Phyllis.

And know what else?
I think she is gorgeous.

I think she is an incredibly,
incredibly attractive person.

Come here, give me a kiss,
come on.

Michael, come on, you
don't have to worry. I'm not

gonna report you to hr.
I'm not... I'm not worried!

You know what? The only
thing I am worried about

is getting a boner.

Good work today, everybody.

Times have changed a little.

And even though we're still a family
here at dunder Mifflin, families grow.

And at some point, the daddy can't
take a bath with the kids anymore.

I am upper management,

and itwould be inappropriate
for me to take a bath with Pam.

As much as I mightwant to.

He said what?