All language subtitles for 2-01

Michael: Tonight is the dundies,

the annual employee awards
night here at dunder Mifflin.

And this is
everybody's favorite day.

Everybody looks forward to it,

because, you know,
a lot of the people here

don't get trophies very
often, like Meredith or Kevin.

I mean, who's gonna give
Kevin an award? Dunkin' donuts?

Plus, bonus,
it's really, really funny.

So I... you know,
an employee will go home

and he'll tell his neighbor,
"hey, did you get an award?"

And the neighbor will say,
"no, man. I mean, I slave all day.

"Nobody notices me."

The next thing you know, the
employee smells something terrible

coming from
the neighbor's house.

The neighbor's hanged himself
due to lack of recognition.

So, you ready for the dundies?

Pam: You know what
they say about a car wreck,

where it's so awful
you can't look away?

The dundies are like a car
wreck that you wanna look away,

but you have to stare at it
because your boss is making you.

Hey, hey, hey! It's fat Halpert.

Fat Halpert. Jim Halpert. What?

So, why don't I take you on a
tour of past dundie winners?

We got fat Jim Halpert here.

Jim, why don't you show off
your dundies to the camera?

Oh, I can't,
because I keep them hidden.

I don't wanna look at them
and get cocky.

Oh, that's a good idea.

And mine are at home in a
display case above my bed.

Yuck!

Tmi. Tmi, my friends.

Tmi? Too much information.

It's just easier to say tmi.

I used to say, "don't go
there," but that's lame.

And here we have
Stanley the manly.

Now, Stanley is a dundie
all-star. Aren't you, Stan?

Why don't you show them
some of your bling?

I don't know where they are.
I think I threw them out.

No, you didn't. I think I did.

Why did...

Say, we gotta order some more
appeteasers this time.

We ran out last year, remember?

Yes, we should. You know what?

I wanted one of those
skillets of cheese,

but when I got off-stage
someone had eaten all of them.

To Oscar Martinez, it's the
show me the money award.

Michael has taped
every dundies awards,

and now he's making me
look through

hours of footage
to find highlights.

Song that I think we 're gonna
play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight.

A little bit of Pam
all night long

a little bit of Angela
on the thing

a little bit of Meredith
everywhere

this is the part where Kevin sat
in front of the camcorder all night.

It's great.

A little bit of Roy
eating chicken crispers

a little bit of Kim
with some ribs

a little bit of

it was you. Live and learn.

It wasn't, I swear.
Yeah, it was.

So, what's the joke?
You're not perfect, either.

We're not laughing
at you, Dwight.

So, who are we laughing at?

Just something somebody wrote.

Who, Dave Barry? No, no.

Just something that was
written on the ladies' room wall.

What is it? Who wrote it?
It's kind of private.

It's about Michael.

That is defacement of company
property, so you better tell me.

Kelly, if you tell me,
you'll be punished less.

Okay, now I'm laughing at you.

Will her highness
jan Levinson-gould

be descending from her
corporate throne this evening

to visit us lowly serfs here
at dunder Mifflin, Scranton?

Jan: It's a two-and-a-half-hour
drive from New York, Michael.

Well, you could take the bus,
you could work on the way here,

sleep on the way home?

Come on, jan, this is important.

I mean, this is validation
to my employees here

that you and corporate
approve of this. So...

But we don't approve
of this, Michael.

You only have the budget
for one office party a year,

so we 're not paying for this.

Could you... are you there?

Yeah, I'm here. I just wanted to
talk to you for a second about that.

Michael: What... what is...
I mean, come on, jan.

What, it's a... you're dropping
an a-bomb on me here.

Really? I'm dropping
an atomic bomb on you?

Well, yeah! I mean what is...
What... no, you can't...

You already had a party
on may 5th for no reason.

No reason? It was the 05-05-05
party. And you also had a luau.

It happens once every billion
years. And you had a luau.

And the Tsunami relief fundraiser,
which somehow lost a lot of money.

Okay, no, that was a fun-raiser.
I don't really understand that.

I think I made that very clear in the
flyers. Okay, well, I don't understand

why anyone would have...
Fun. F-u-n.

A Tsunami fun-raiser, Michael.

Well, I think a lot of people... I
mean, that just doesn't make sense.

Were very affected
by the footage.

This is a little character
I like to do.

It is loosely based on karnak,

one of Carson's
classic characters.

Here we go.

The PLO, the ira, and the hot
dog stand behind the warehouse.

Name three businesses that have better
healthcare plans than dunder Mifflin.

Here's the problem.

There's no open bar
because of jan.

And it's the reason why comedy
clubs have a two-drink minimum.

We'll be fine, but I just wish
people were gonna be drunk.

Phylus: Dwmhl get
out of here! No, no, no_.

What are you doing in the ladies'
room? It's not what you think. No!

Why were you in there?
What were you doing in there?

You are a pervert! I am not.

The dundie award
for longest engagement

goes to Pam bees/y.

Pam, everybody!

When is that girl gonna get
married? That's what I have to say.

Ah, Roy's accepting. Yes.

Michael: Thank you, Roy. Are there any
words you'd like to say on Pam's behalf?

Roy: We'll see you next
year. Michael: Yeah!

Hope not. Hope not.

I'm not changing that.
That's the best one.

No, it's hilarious.
You're right.

I just think,
"world's longest engagement,"

we're all expecting it,
you know?

That's why it's funny.

Every year that Roy and Pam
don't get married, it gets funnier.

Well, I'd think if you use the same
jokes, it just comes across as lazy.

Oh, "lazy."

Uh-huh.

Excuse me, everyone. Can I
have your attention, please?

I just wanted to say that the
women in this office are terrible.

Especially the ones who
wrote that stuff about Michael

on the bathroom wall.

Having a bathroom
is a privilege.

It is called a ladies'
room for a reason,

and if you cannot
behave like ladies,

well, then you are not going
to have a bathroom.

You're taking away our bathroom?

We are going to have
two men's rooms.

But where would we go?

Be prepared to hold it,
folks. From 9:00 am...

Okay, okay, look...
Pam: Michael?

Yes? Dwight's banning
us from our bathroom.

Okay, well, that's ridiculous. So, just
don't... I don't have time for this right now.

There needs to be repercussions
for people's behavior.

Just don't talk, don't talk...

Okay, look, I know there have
been a lot of rumors flying around

about the dundies this year.

How there is no money,
and how there is no food,

and how thejokes are really bad.

But, what the hell, everybody?

I mean, god!

The dundies are about
the best in every one of us.

Can't you see that? I mean...

Okay, we can do better.

So tonight, for the first time,

we are inviting
all of your friends and family

to attend the awards with us.

Yes! Michael:
Yeah. Not bad, right?

So let's make this
the best dundies ever.

Best dundies ever.

Welcome to the eighth
annual dundies awards.

Dwight: Before we get
started, a few announcements.

Keep your acceptance
speeches short.

I have wrap-it-up music and I
am not afraid to use it, Devon.

The dundies,
how can I explain it?

Or would you like to hate it?

I'm happy that you all made it

you never had to work so hard

and feel no one notices

you're just a name and number

and no one even says hello

card!

Oscar:
The dundies are kind of like

a kid's birthday party.

And you go, and there's really
nothing for you to do there,

but the kid's having a
really good time, so you...

You're kind of there.

That's... that's kind of
what it's like.

You down with the dundies?

You down with the dundie...

The waitress tripped
on the cord.

All right, all right.
Jokelanded.

So, we are here.
Thank you all for coming

to the 2005 dundie awards.

I am your host, Michael Scott,

and I just wanna tell you,

please, please,
do not drink and drive.

Because you may hit a bump
and spill the drink.

I'll just put these
on the group tab.

No, actually,
this year no group tab.

We're gonna be doing
separate checks. Roy: What?

Lonny: Oh, great. Is he serious?

You said we could
bring our families.

I did, and why
didn't you, Stanley?

I did. My wife's name is Teri.

Well, I'm looking
forward to meeting Teri.

It's this person whose
hand I'm holding, Michael.

Voice: Oh, yeah.

Shut it.

Good. Speaking of relationships,

of all ways, shapes, and forms,

I was out on a very,
very hot date last night

with a girl from hr, Dwight.

Really? We don't have
any girls from hr.

No, that...

For the sake of this story.

And things were getting hot
and heavy. Dwight: Yeah?

Andl
asabout to
take her bra off... yeah?

When she had me fill out
six hours' worth of papen/vork.

Like an aids test?

No. God.

Michael: All right. So, let's get this party
started! Hey, let's go to poor Richard's.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

Guys, where you going?

Pam, the show's just
getting started. Sorry.

Michael: And now, to someone
who goes... are you staying?

Yeah. Gotta eat somewhere.
Michael: Quietly about their job,

but always seems to land
the biggest accounts.

The busiest beaver award
goes to Phyllis lapin!

Michael: Yeah!

Way to go, Phyllis.
Nice work, per usual.

This says, "bushiest beaver."
What?

I told them "busiest."
Idiots. It's fine.

Well, we can fix it. We'll fix it
up. You don't have to display that.

Because that's what happens every
time... he's a jackass. Every year.

No. Come on, I'm
going to poor Richard's.

No, I don't wanna go.
I don't want to. Pam.

If you would have asked
me that, then you would know.

Hello, everybody.

Michael: You know,
Michael called... hey.

How are you? I thought you had
left. No, I just... I decided to stay.

I'll just get a ride
home from Angela. Oh.

Michael: I'm going to call
jan Levinson-gould...

Oh, good.
Ijuflinfimeforfing yeah.

Of dundermifflin,

and me so horny. Right?

You know what I'm talking about.

Can I get a drink?

This next award goes to somebody

who really lights up the office.

Somebody who I think a lot of us

cannot keep from checking out.

The hottest in the office award

goes to Ryan, the temp!

Michael: Yeah!

You sexy thing sexy thing, you

here you go.

Hanging and a humming and a huh

come from baby?

There you go. There you go.

What am I gonna do
with the award?

Nothing. I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

That's the least
of my concerns right now.

And the tight ass award
goes to Angela.

Not only because she is
everybody's favorite stickler,

butbecause
she has a great caboose.

So, come on down.

I think those might be empty.

No, no, 'cause the ice melts,
and then it's, like, second drink.

Second drink?

The spicy curry award

goes to our very own
Kelly kapoor!

Get on up here!

There you go.

"Spicy curry." What's that mean?

Not everything means
something. It's just a joke.

Yeah, but why'd you give it
to me? I don't know. I just...

This is a bowler.
I know. It's...

They didn't have any more
businessmen. Yeah, but everyone else...

Just sit down, Kelly.

It's so freaking hot in there.

Now I know what Bob hope
was going through

when he performed
in Saudi Arabia. Man!

Michael: I got Dwight
sucking the funny out of the room.

But, you know,
you do what you can do.

Here we go.

He's early with the cue.
I've gotta go.

You have won a tiny dundie

Sing it, Elton!
Hey, thanks, guys.

Hey, where you guys from?

We just came
from your mama's house.

Are you guys gonna finish that?

Michael: All right, yeah.

Man: Sing another song, dude.

You know what, guys, we're
just having a little office party.

So, if you wanna... hey!

You know, cool it, guys, really.

Man: You suck, man. You suck.

Let's cut it.

I had a few more dundies
to give out tonight,

but I'm just gonna cut it short

and wrap it up, so everybody
can enjoy their food.

Thanks for listening,
those of you who listened.

This last dundie is for Kevin.

This is the "don't go in
there after me" award.

It's for the time that I went
to the bathroom after him

and it was really,
really smelly.

There you go.

Yay, Kevin!

Forkewanorsfinhngup
the bathroom! Yeah.

All right, kev!

Hey, I haven't gotten one yet.

Michael: Yeah. Yes, I
have not gotten one, either.

Jim: So, keep going.
More dundies!

Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!
Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!

All: Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!
Dundies! Dundies! Dundies!

All right, all right,
all right, all right, okay.

Michael: All right.
We'll keep them rolling.

Okay,
this is the fine work award.

This goes to Stanley for all
the fine work he did this year.

Pam: For the fine work. Fine work,
Stanley! Michael: You know you did.

Hear, hear!

Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech! Speech!

Well, last year
I got great work,

So I don't know what
to think about this award.

But at least I didn't get smelliest
bowel movement like Kevin.

And this next award is going out

to our own little Pam beesly.

I think we all know what award
Pam is gonna be getting this year.

It is the
whitest sneakers award,

because she always has
the whitest tennis shoes on.

Get on down here!

Pam beesley,
ladies and gentlemen!

Oh, here we go.

I have so many people
to thank for this award.

Okay, first off, my keds,

because I couldn't have
done it without them.

Pam: Thank you.

Let's give Michael a round of
applause for emceeing tonight,

because this is a lot harder
than it looks.

And also because of Dwight, too.

So, finally,
I want to thank god,

because god gave me this dundie

and I feel god
in this chili's tonight.

Pam beesley,
ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you. Yeah!

Jim: What a greatyear
for the dundies.

We got to see ping and we learned
Michael's true feelings for Ryan,

which was touching.

And we heard Michael change the
lyrics to a number of classic songs,

which, for me,
has ruined them for life.

What? Nothing.

Okay. What?

I don't know. What?

Oh, my god!

You are so drunk.

Did you get that? Please
tell me that you got...

This is all going to be on...
This woman is having a seizure.

Grab her tongue! Grab her tongue!
It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy.

Well, he's a volunteer.
Don't get into that now.

Dwight: We need
something to cushion her head.

Throw pillow, a
cushion... okay, I'm gonna use my shirt.

Pam: Get off of me. Dwight: No!

Man: I'm sorry, sir, you're
gonna have to put your clothes on.

People are trying to eat.
I can't.

Was this year's dundies a
success? Well, let me see.

I made Pam laugh so hard
that she fell out of her chair

and she almost broke her neck.

So I killed, almost.

Oh, my god!

I just want to say that this
was the best dundies ever.

Careful, careful, careful.

We have a strict policy here
not to over-serve.

Apparently, this young woman was sneaking
drinks off of other people's tables.

I xeroxed her driver's license,

and she is not welcome at
this restaurant chain ever again.

Great work tonight.
Watch your step.

Excehent thanks

I had to check her pupils to make
sure there wasn't a concussion.

Yes, that, too. But, I mean,
with the audio. Great work.

I feel bad about what I wrote
on the bathroom wall.

No, you don't.

Oh, here she is.

Careful, careful, whoa.
All right, easy.

You're almost there.

Hey,

can I ask you a question?

Shoot

I just wanted to say thanks.

It's not really a question.

Okay, let's get you home, drunk.

All right.

Good night. Have a good night.

Thank you, Angela.