Original subtitles

You all should have this on your desks.

I can pull out the pen whenever I need to, but it holds it all in place.

- [Jocelyn] That's so stupid. - [Rafael] It's not stupid.

You just didn't think about it the way you should have.

[Jocelyn] Why would I need that?

[Rafael] Everybody needs this sort of thing in their desk.

I think everybody needs to...

[Jocelyn] Carter?

Carter.

I haven't heard that name in a long time.

What the hell happened to you?

I'm not the same anymore, Joe.

The military has left an indelible mark on my soul,

but alas, it's time for me to leave the battlefield and return home.

I only hope I can find some peace here.

You understand.

Carter was in the military for 53 hours, 27 minutes, and...

12 seconds.

He fell off the back of a 5-ton truck,

broke his leg and cracked a few vertebrae.

I mean, if he had just washed out, he'd have no veteran status.

But because he technically hurt himself on a military exercise,

he was medically retired.

Not only is he a disabled veteran, the dude's actually gonna draw a pension.

What? I don't even have a pension.

[theme music playing]

Guys, y'all have got to see the video that Chaz made.

He crushed it like a homemade submarine visiting the Titanic.

- [mimics explosion] - Oh!

What the hell, Joe?

No, I mean, he's right.

That's 400 atmospheres of pressure.

What? No, no, I mean...

[scoffs] Never mind. What's the video about?

So, I served with a dude named Josh Smith.

Josh served with a dude named Casey Maxted.

Casey Maxted owns a spirit brand called Cold Zero.

All right, Josh hooked us up. Casey agreed to let us pitch.

Chaz made the video for it.

- Oh, that's actually really cool, man. - [Jocelyn] Yeah, it is.

Cool.

That's what they call me now and then. Hey...

I guess that sets the record straight.

I'm finally one of them, America.

- When's the pitch? - [Joe] It's later today.

Wish Chazzy boy and me some luck.

Yeah.

Listen up, everybody.

Get ready to be on that naughty list

because the theme of this year's Christmas party is:

- Ho, ho, ho! - [all chuckling]

Yeah, that's because your mom, your mom, your mom was taken.

Am I right?

We're not on that level, Chaz.

And after that comment, we will never be.

Well, America... I'm back to being me.

Hey... Ho, ho, ho?

A little risqu� for Karen, huh?

Karen is good 364 days of the year,

but when it comes to the holiday party, she can be very, very bad.

I'm actually glad you brought that up, Joe,

because I personally have a real problem putting a moral equivalence

to the number of partners a woman has had, all right?

I think they should be able to do whatever they want.

- [dramatic music playing] - And quite honestly... What is he...?

As a veteran, I don't really care about that, Rafael.

What I do care about is all those soldiers that won't be home for the holidays.

My brothers and sisters-in-arms.

I only wish I could be there with them.

There are two things that make this place bearable:

Diet Dr. Pepper and Karen's Christmas parties.

That woman takes it to a whole new level.

[Jocelyn] You bringing anyone to the party, Joe?

- Should I be? - Sure. I mean, I'm bringing my partner.

Ashleigh-Mareigh is bringing Michael.

And I think even Chaz has a date.

Michael, huh?

Any reason she shouldn't?

Oh, no, no. Michael's a good dude. He's awesome.

Yeah, I don't believe you.

You don't believe me? Have I ever lied to you?

- Um... - Ah! Don't answer. No, I'm good.

- Uh-huh. You like her. - Yeah.

- What? - Mm-hm.

That's nonsense. No.

- Uh-huh. You wish she was with you! - You lie. It's lies. It's all lies.

Mm-hm.

[Ashleigh screaming]

[screaming]

Oh, my God, Joe! You scared me.

- I scared you? - Yeah.

I heard you screaming. Are you okay?

Of course I am, silly. I'm just filming a scream talk.

- What? - A scream talk.

It's this new trend where you pretend to be scared,

and you scream, and then you post it.

Hey, how about you give us a heads up next time

before you do some stuff like this? You scared the hell out of me.

I thought you were being attacked or something.

What were you going to do if I was? I think I won the first fight.

Yeah, I guess you're right. Um...

You know what? You don't need my help.

- Sorry for bothering you. - Joe!

What's wrong?

Kevin! How are you?

I was gonna ask you the same question.

Ashleigh-Mareigh said that you wanted to talk to me.

I wanted to thank you.

For what?

Well, fixing the headlight on my car. I saw you out there during lunch.

It was really no big deal.

And mowing my lawn when I was out of town.

Fixing my computer when it crashed.

You know, those things don't fix themselves.

You do so much for everyone else around here.

I just wanted to do something for you.

[crowd shouting in distance]

[Victoria] Huh. I wonder what that's all about.

Hey.

I'm sorry I got a little spicy in there, all right?

It's my fault, I was out of line.

[Ashleigh] I appreciate that. I'm sorry if I offended you.

You didn't offend me. Seriously, it's all good.

Guys, what's going on out there?

I don't know. Let me check my... Where's my phone?

Somebody call me.

- Let's just go out there and check it out. - Call me!

[crowd chanting] Hell no, Joe must go! Hell no, Joe must go!

Hell no, Joe must go!

Hell no, Joe must go!

- Hell no, Joe must go! - [Stewart] Boo!

- [crowd] Hell no, Joe must go! - [Stewart] Where's Karen?

[crowd] Hell no, Joe must go!

Hell no, Joe must go!

- There's Joe! - [Lucius] Go, get him! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

[crowd] Hell no, Joe must go!

Hell no, Joe must go!

Hell no, Joe must go!

Hell no, Joe must go!

[Stewart] Get back here, Joe!

I gotta be honest, I'm not even sure what everybody was pissed about.

Apparently Joe did something, so I grabbed my emergency bullhorn and I got involved.

That's what neighbors who care about their communities do.

[clicks tongue]

[crowd chanting continues]

Joe Hauser, I'm Officer Tansey,

and right now, your life is in real, imminent danger.

My life? I think you have me confused with someone else. I'm nobody, sir.

Nobody? You were nobody until that little performance

this morning on social media.

It's landed you in the middle of World War I.

My performance?

Oh, my God, Joe. I am so, so sorry.

[Joe] What happened?

I'll tell you what's happened. You interrupted this young lady

when she was in the middle of scream-talking.

You demeaned her by assuming that she needed your protection.

I heard a scream. What am I supposed to do?

- [groans] - What are you supposed to do?

How about not making her ask you permission to do her job?

How about that?

And furthermore, when she tried to make a joke about it,

- you stormed off in a hissy fit. - [Joe] I was worried about her.

Typical patriarch bullshit.

I'm worried about her. What do you want me to do?

- Tell it to the court, pal. - What court?

The court of public opinion.

Oh, snap.

- [crowd chanting continues] - This is unacceptable.

Clients are calling asking if you work here.

There's an angry mob outside.

How are we going to fix this?

This is all my fault.

I completely forgot I was even recording. But I've been defending Joe.

I've been telling everyone what a great guy he is.

I've made seven posts about all of his amazing qualities.

- You did? Is it helping? - No.

They're saying that I'm rationalizing the abuse

and that I have Stockholm syndrome.

Oh, why is this happening?

It's okay, Joe. It's gonna be okay.

Thank you, Ashleigh. You may go.

Joe, I have some things I'd like to discuss with you first.

Close the door, please.

- [door closes] - [Joe] Am I gonna lose my job?

I think I can save it, Joe.

But... [sighs]

you've been a very bad boy, Joe.

And I think you're gonna have to be punished.

This is nuts.

Do these people not have anything better to do with their lives?

You know, second L of leadership is "love."

- [Rafael whimpering] - And I choose to love this situation.

- How are we gonna get home? - I'm not staying here.

These people cannot keep me here. I got Christmas shopping to do.

- [Carter] I can't go out there. - Why not?

I don't do well in crowds.

Crowds and fireworks trigger my post-traumatic stress.

- [Rafael] Oh... - [Ashleigh] Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. - What is it? What is it? What is it?

[Ashleigh squealing]

Barbara Shreveport, Channel 4 News.

I'm here with Lucius Blackwood from Fuel,

and Stuart Endicott McCracken III, former associates of Gasoline Dog,

the company that employs Joe Hauser, the poster boy for toxic masculinity,

and the man who has set the small town of Chapel Hill abuzz with protests.

Lucius, tell us your story.

Well, Barbara, believe it or not,

I used to be business partners with the CEO of Gasoline Dog.

But, you know, I had visions of something greater.

And you know what my former business partner, Karen, said?

I can only imagine.

She said that my idea was stupid and that people wouldn't like it.

That must have been very hard for you.

Very hard. It took me years to get over the pain.

Why would a woman like that hire a man like Joe Hauser?

I'll tell you why. It's because they're bullies, okay?

It's their way or the highway.

And if anybody pushes back, they get attacked.

It sounds like hell on earth.

It really was. I lost my entire business. I had to start over from scratch.

I used to be the best account manager. Now I'm on the streets.

And do you know what they did after they fired me?

I shudder to think about it.

Joe cornered me in a bar.

[sobbing] And he hit me! He hit me!

Oh, I'm so sorry, brother. I'm so sorry.

- [kissing] Okay, get out. - Well, there you have it, folks.

It seems Joe Hauser isn't the only thing rotten at Gasoline Dog.

It may seem like a cute little media company from the outside,

but from the inside, it's a festering sore,

oozing poor leadership.

And that leadership stems from their CEO, Karen Underhill.

- Oh, my God. - [Ashleigh sobbing]

Barbara, how could you?

Porridge and biscuits! That's it!

I'm going out there!

- [Jocelyn] Karen... - Oh, gosh, she's so brave.

- [crowd clamoring] - [laughing]

Bad leader, huh? I'll show you a bad leader.

You made a poop app, and you got rich.

So, what's your problem?

And you, you little weasel, you are the worst human being,

and I'm embarrassed you're my nephew.

She's your aunt?

This is the part that hurts the most. It's like a sting. It's like a wet sting.

You poor, poor man.

Leadership, zero. Karen's no hero.

[crowd chanting] Leadership, zero. Karen's no hero.

Leadership, zero. Karen's no hero.

- Leadership, zero. Karen's no hero. - [shouting] Back up! Ah!

- Leadership, zero. Karen's no hero. - Back up! Back up! Back up, I said!

[screaming]

[crowd stops shouting]

[yelling] I'm a veteran!

I'm a veteran!

[barking]

[crowd continues shouting, chanting]

[Ashleigh] Carter, that was actually really brave.

When I took the oath of enlistment,

I swore to defend the Constitution of the United States

against all enemies, foreign and domestic.

Okay, that's super.

[crowd chanting] Hell no, Joe must go!

- You okay, Karen? - Yeah, I'm okay.

I just need to sit down for a minute, maybe a cup of tea.

Guys, what are we gonna do? This has gotten out of control.

I don't know how to tell you guys this, but...

- It's happened. - What?

We've been canceled.

[sobbing] Oh, my God.

I gotta...

- It's not okay. It is not. Oh, God! - You got it.

- Fight it. - [Ashleigh] Why?

Why, God, why?

- [knocking on door] - Knock, knock.

[Karen] Oh, my goodness!

- Hey, how are you? - Hey, take a seat.

Thank you.

Mayor Flakes, thank you so much for coming.

- This is crazy out here. - It's insane.

- I don't know what's going on. - How did you get through?

- Oh, I snuck around the back. - Oh, good thinking.

Came through the sewer system.

Is there anything you can do?

Karen, you've supported me for a long time.

You supported me on my campaign trail, and now it's my chance to support you.

The good people of Chapel Hill will listen to reason.

Oh, thank you so much, Cornelius.

You are a godsend. I know you're gonna do this.

- Mayor Flakes is coming over. - [crowd continues shouting]

Roll camera.

Boomer Flakes!

I'm here with Mayor Cornelius Flakes of Chapel Hill.

Mayor, can you tell us a little bit about what we're seeing here today?

I'd love to. Listen up, people.

I've known Karen Underhill for a very, very long time.

In the time that I've known Karen,

she's not only proven herself to be a good person, a good leader,

she's proven herself to be all of those things with integrity,

with honor.

And I'll tell you, when the going gets tough,

Karen's always there.

Regardless of the boos, when the going gets tough,

Karen is always there.

You suck, Mayor Flakes! Nobody likes you. I don't even like you. You suck, bro.

Well, uh... [clears throat]

Well, that's why I was so shocked.

That's why I was shocked to learn that it's all been a lie.

[crowd cheering]

Everything around Gasoline Dog is a lie, to include Karen.

I peeked in the window and I saw their org chart.

I saw it on the wall and it was shaped like a cactus.

Which makes sense because they're all a bunch of pricks.

And I apologize to the people of Chapel Hill

for just having to live so damn close to these Dogs.

We can't have it. We're done.

We're done with Gasoline Dog. We're done with Karen.

And we're gonna change that org chart. We're gonna get it right.

And I apologize, but I gotta pee.

Well, there you have it.

That's the latest from Gasoline Dog and Mayor Cornelius Flakes.

I'm Barbara Shreveport. Back to you in the studio.

[crowd chanting] Joe must go! Joe must go! Joe must go!

Burn that ho!

[crowd cheering]

[man] Burn it! Burn it!

Et tu, Cornelius.

Et tu.

And that's the latest from Gasoline Dog. Back to you in the studio.

[exhales] You all right?

Oh, my God. Man, this doesn't feel right.

- What do you think happened? - I saw the footage.

It was a big nothing-burger. Who cares?

If Lucius stops suddenly, Stewie will be so far up his ass,

- there'll be just two feet sticking out. - [both laughing]

No wonder he got fired.

Well, but you know that Joe guy?

He's pretty cute, though. What do you think?

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, God.

You, me, Pensacola Air Show...

[both] 2017.

The Blue Angels!

- Oh, my God. Yes, ma'am. - Oh, my God.

- With the thing... - Yes, ma'am.

- What happens in Pensacola? - [cameraman] Wait, did you say cut?

Obviously doesn't stay in Pensacola.

[Barbara] Cut.

[crowd chanting] Joe must go! Joe must go! Joe must go!

Joe must go! Joe must go! Joe must go!

It's a protest.

I just can't help myself.

Hey Joe, how's it going?

Sir, I'm in kind of a bind.

[chuckles] You think?

You know?

Joe, everyone knows.

Sir, I didn't even do anything,

and now I'm dragging my whole company down.

I'm trying to figure out how to make everyone see,

but the more I try, the worse it gets.

- Stop trying. - Huh?

Stop trying.

These people are not rational creatures. Look out your window.

If you give these people an ounce of flesh,

they're gonna come for a pound.

Then what do I do, sir? I let everyone down.

You mind your own business.

You control what you can control, and don't worry about anything else.

- What if they come at me? - Then you do what you did in Mosul.

You walk right into the belly of the beast and you fight.

You give them no quarter.

Roger, sir.

Joe, I hate to even ask this,

but given your history of misinterpreting what I say,

I want to be super, super clear.

Don't literally go and shoot the crowd.

You know that, right?

Roger, sir.

Take care of yourself, Joe.

Fight the fight. And you know, merry Christmas.

- [call disconnects] - [sighs]

- Can I talk now? - Yes, you may.

Fire up that video conference.

We're about to pitch Cold Zero.

Did you...? Did you change while you were under there?

? I don't know why I left ?

? But I know that I done wrong ?

? And it won't be long ?

? Till I get on back home ?

I miss my squad.

You were in the military for like two days.

You wouldn't understand. Those bonds are unbreakable.

What are we gonna do, guys?

I mean, the crowd out there is unruly,

and Stewie and Lucius are literally calling for our heads.

You know, we're going to be just fine.

The first L of leadership is "to live," and we're gonna live through this.

I don't know if we're gonna do that,

because Lucius just launched an app tonight

using the same technology as his shithead app, and he called it Nazify.

He made all of us Hitler.

You know, I did not see that coming.

[Carter] ? Back home, back home... ?

For fuck's sake, Carter!

[dramatic music playing]

[jazz music playing]

Cold Zero. It's your first shot.

Guys, I don't know what to say. This is amazing.

- [crowd shouting continues] - Casey, we think we can make

a real difference here. All right?

You already have an amazing product,

and our job is just to help take it to the next level.

And I think I believe you.

So why don't we start out with a six-month contract?

And if you do what I know you can do, we'll make it two years.

You won't be disappointed.

Is there something else, man? Everything good?

Yeah...

In the spirit of full transparency,

we're not exactly the most popular company in town right now.

Uh, if I'm being honest,

there's a literal angry mob outside our office

that wants to kill me in particular

and probably burn my boss at the stake.

Hey, bro. I know that. You don't even have to tell me.

You're so viral, it's not even funny. But I do appreciate you telling me.

That's not stopping you from working with us?

Hell no, man.

We're Green Berets. We're used to the mob.

In fact, let's announce our partnership.

I'll send you my live-streaming credentials now.

- Awesome. - All right. Thank you.

[crowd shouting]

Well, Joe, I don't know how you did it, but thank you so much.

Hey, it was all Chazzy boy here.

- I just connected the dots. - Oh, you guys.

Okay, well, thank you both. You did a great job.

[Chaz] Thank you. Yeah.

- Ah. - Aw!

- You crushed it. Seriously, great job. - You too, man. Thanks.

- Hey, stranger. - Oh, hey, Ash.

I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay.

It's probably hard to see that many Hitler versions of yourself.

- Oh, you haven't seen the new update. - What update?

Oh, for $1.99 extra, you can get Stalinized with Nazify.

[in Russian accent] In Mother Russia, we don't get canceled.

We cancel our enemies.

[in normal voice] Such a bad impression.

That's like Malkovich in Rounders.

Well, I just want to make sure you're okay.

Well, I am a little better now that you're here.

- Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls. - No.

- [Ashleigh] Yeah. - [Joe] No, I never said it before.

- Ever. Not once. - [laughing] Right, right, right.

[Kevin] Two of the four Mount Rushmores of attraction.

Two of the what?

Come here, my son.

Ashleigh-Mareigh just exhibited

two of the four Mount Rushmore's of attractions to you.

Okay, explain.

One, she walks up to you and says, "Hey, stranger."

Now, many variations exist.

Rachel a la Friends: "Hey, you."

- Waitress: "Hey, handsome." - Mm.

Charlie from Top Gun: "Hey, stud."

Okay, that's good.

Two: "I bet you say that to all the girls."

Now, this is an overt test.

She's literally asking you to tell her that you don't, even if you do.

This is real wisdom.

Three: "You disappeared."

This always happens at a bar or a party.

She's literally telling you she wants you in her eyeline at all times.

This is unbelievable.

Four.

"Stop it." And a light punch, usually to the shoulder.

But this is really important.

Adorable look on her face. A love tap.

- Good. - Good.

Scowl. Frown. A real shove or push.

- Bad. - Bad.

Okay, bad.

All right, so you're telling me if all four of those are in place,

then it's go time.

No.

I'm telling you, nine times out of ten, if one is in place, it is.

All four, the only thing stopping you is the Holy Ghost,

if you're Catholic or a love of dudes.

You literally just blew my mind right now.

I know.

It's such a big deal.

Karen, Victoria.

- Oh, thank you, Kevin. - Thank you.

That's a gentleman right there. Chivalry's not dead.

We're ready.

Hey, look, why don't you take this one?

I don't think people wanna hear from me right now.

Stop it. Anyone worth having around does.

I appreciate that. This is your show. You got it.

- All right, fine. Just this once. - [Joe] I got you next time.

Okay, sounds good. Guys, we're gonna go live.

All right.

Hey, everybody, it's Ashleigh-Mareigh.

I'm here live at Gasoline Dog Media.

I am so excited to show you the newest Cold Zero commercial.

Hey! Let me show you something!

- Check this out! - [people screaming]

[gunshots]

- [loud ringing] - [heartbeat thumping]

Seventeen consecutive dick shots.

I haven't seen work like that since I was in Southeast Raleigh.

I hear you. It's a tight shot group, too.

Uh, for the record, those aren't my cuffs.

- Hmm? - They're mine.

They're my spares.

And I want them back.

I'm innocent, I tell you!

- [EMT] Yeah. - You will rue the day!

[yelling] You'll all rue the day!

[EMT] Be extra good. That's a lot better.

All right, Bill. Shave him.

- Shave him? - Yeah, shave him. Go ahead.

Why?

Because you are the probie, and I am not the probie,

which means when someone needs to be shaved, it's gonna be you.

All right, go ahead. Head, face, body, balls.

Half ball.

Whatever he's got going on, just shave it. Clean, all right?

Good. Take him out to the ambulance.

- Can I get a hand? - That's a negative, probie.

Adapt and overcome.

- You guys are really lucky Joe was here. - Oh, my God, I know.

So, the, you know, southern necessities, like, is that gone?

- Like, what is...? No? - It's not looking good.

No, it's pretty beat up.

I mean, well, the good news is it's pretty leveled out to build up upon.

You can put him on the transplant list. Maybe from a pig or a horse.

They do a lot of crazy stuff these days.

- Really? - Yeah.

It's mainly for cosmetic reasons, but, you know, it's something.

Maybe you could tell me a little bit more about this horse transplant thing.

Just asking for a friend.

[siren wailing]

Hey!

Hey!

I thought it was over.

You hear about it happening, but you never think it's gonna be you.

Thought it was over.

I'm still shaking.

And, uh...

no matter how hard I try, I just...

I can't stop.

I can't believe I didn't have my gun.

What if Joe wasn't here?

As a veteran, I should know better.

I just froze.

I saw the gun, I heard the shots, I thought they were coming at me.

But it was Joe.

I don't know what to say.

He saved the day.

No, the Christmas party isn't off.

We earned this, we all worked hard, and we earned this.

[upbeat music playing]

[inaudible dialogue]

[Karen] Who could this be? Oh!

Karen, do you mind if we join you?

Come on in. It is Christmas, I guess.

Watch yourself. I'll just close this door. Okay.

Karen, listen.

When I found out what happened today...

I was worried about you.

I'm sorry about the way things went down.

I'm sorry.

I brought you a gift.

Really? Me? Okay.

- It's not poop, is it? - No. No.

Well, you know.

And also, hey, this is my date, Scarlet.

- Oh, it's lovely to meet you. Scarlet. - It's great to meet you.

And what do you do, Scarlet?

- I'm a dancer. - Oh, the ballet.

- I love the ballet. - Yeah.

You know damn well I'm not dating a ballet dancer.

Santa brought Daddy something a little nasty for the stocking this year.

Listen, I got an arraignment tomorrow. Where's the whiskey at?

[laughing]

Have a great time.

No, no, no. I'm not a hero.

I just did my duty.

Wow.

You're a very lucky lady.

- [moans] - [growls playfully]

There you are. You disappeared. I was looking for you.

I've been here the whole time.

- You have, haven't you? - I have.

Anyways, it's viral.

Oh, that.

I don't care about that anymore. People can hate me all they want.

- Don't care. - No, no.

You stopping Stewie. It went viral. But in a good way. People love you.

And me. My social life is back.

Well, I'm very happy for you. Is Michael here?

No. He has a lot of work to do.

So it's just me.

Well, me too.

Oh, bro, you blew the chance at a stateside kill.

Dude. All right, it's Christmas.

I thought 17 consecutive groin shots would be the gift that kept on giving.

- [Ashleigh laughs] - Also, you are late.

Fair enough, my bad.

I had some business to attend to at the Legion.

Ashleigh, I want you to meet my lovely date for the evening,

Tony Garcia.

Tony, it's so nice to meet you. Joe's told me so much about you.

Oh, has he?

Yes, something about you being his best friend in the area?

That, ah... Not best, only friend in the area.

I was explaining to her that my life was so pathetic

that you were the only one who would come to this party with me.

After everything I've ever done for you.

Hey, look, I'm gonna grab a drink. Ash, you need anything?

Uh, how about a red wine?

- Wilco. Tony? - Nope, I'm good and happy, bud.

- Awesome. - You?

- As good as I've been in a while. - Good.

Be right back.

- Love him. Yeah, I love him. - Does he look good to you?

- [Joe] Chazzy boy. - Joe!

- That's my guy. - How are you, man?

How's it going? You can settle this debate I was having with Carter.

He says Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.

Uh, Carter's telling you nothing but lies.

Die Hard 1 and 2 are Christmas movies. I mean, they're cult classics, really.

And it's not Christmas until...

[both] Hans Gruber falls off the Nakatomi Plaza.

- Ah! Yes, definitely. - Yes!

"Now I have a machine gun." Then he falls off, he just dies.

- [Jocelyn] Hey, guys! - [Joe] Jocelyn.

This is my partner, Mike Machiavello.

You're Mike Machiavello?

I mean, NCAA wrestling champion, Pan-Am champion,

two-time U.S. Open champion, wrestling team Mike Machiavello?

[Joe] I know nothing about wrestling,

but by looking at you, I'm betting you're Mike Machiavello.

- It's nice to meet you, man. - Nice to meet you as well.

I have your trading cards.

I got trading cards?

Yes. I mean, they're huge on the wrestling black market.

- I didn't know you were into sports, Chaz. - [Chaz] I'm not.

I'm only into the purest sport there is. Everything else is for children.

And I didn't know your partner was a man.

I kind of like pickleball, actually.

Pickleball?

Maybe he isn't a man.

What?

I said, maybe he isn't a man.

[Joe] I gotta grab some red wine.

Huh?

[bells jingling]

Ding, ding, ding! Everybody.

I'd love your attention.

Hello! Everybody.

Okay, now we've had a crazy year at Gasoline Dog

and a crazy day, let's say that.

Um, so first, I'd like to raise a glass to Gasoline Dog

and to also my knight in shining armor, Carter.

Cheers to Gasoline Dog!

- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas.

And I'm making a 13th L of leadership and it's "Let's party!" Whoo!

[all cheering]

Now we're going to carry on the party with some festive karaoke.

Take a line and we'll get some songs going.

- Hey, hey, hey! - I'm going first. Okay.

Sit down.

I just love karaoke.

- ? O, come, all ye faithful ? - [inaudible dialogue]

? Joyful and triumphant ?

? O, come ye ?

? O, come ye, to Bethlehem ?

Not gonna lie, she was pretty good.

[Jocelyn] ? Noel ?

? Noel ?

? Noel ?

? Noel ?

? Born is the King of Israel ?

Apparently, everyone sings around here.

- [Ashleigh] Good job! - Ashleigh-Mareigh, I think it's your turn.

- You can do it. I believe in you. - Okay.

Let's go, TikTok girl. Whoo!

? Sweet hymns of joy ?

? In grateful chorus raise we ?

? Let all within us ?

? Praise his holy name ?

? Oh, Christ is the Lord ?

? Oh, hear the angel's voices ?

? Oh, night ?

? Divine ?

? Oh, night ?

? When Christ was born ?

? Oh, night ?

? Divine ?

- ? Oh, night ? - [mouths] Wow.

? Oh, holy night ?

? Oh, holy night ?

- Oh, my goodness! - [crowd cheering]

What is this, American-fucking-Idol?

Carter, I know you're another dark horse, and it's your turn.

Yeah, Carter, come on, dude.

["Jingle Bells" playing on keyboard]

[off-key] ? Dashing through the snow In a one-horse open sleigh ?

? O'er the hills we go Laughing all the way ?

? Ha, ha, ha ?

? Bells on bobtails ring Making spirits bright ?

[all] ? What fun it is to ride and sing A sleighing song tonight ?

? O, jingle bells, jingle bells... ?

[Joe] So when I left the army, I was ready to leave the bullshit behind.

You know, all the stuff the military makes you do that just drives you insane.

Well, I got the freedom.

I lost my family.

See, family isn't defined by blood.

It's the people that really have your back.

And I didn't realize how much they meant to me until they were gone.

I was lost, rudderless.

You know, kind of like the sailboats those orcas keep sinking in Spain.

How insane is that, by the way?

Sorry, it's off topic.

Anyways, what I didn't expect was that I'd find a new family,

a different family, a weird family.

But... a pretty great one.

I just had to work at it.

- Hey you. - Hey.

Uh, I'm actually about to get out of here.

Do you want to grab a late-night bite or coffee or anything at all?

- Yeah, I'd love to. - Yeah?

But I can't. Not tonight. I just have other plans.

No, that's cool.

I actually...

I got some stuff, too, so...

Are you going to see family over the break?

Uh, no, my dad passed away this past year,

and last time I saw my mom, I was, like, too young to remember, so...

- Joe, I'm so sorry. - It's all good.

I had no idea.

Why would you? It's okay.

Um, have a great Christmas, though, and see you in the new year. All right?

- Joe. - Take care.

You know, life's actually pretty great,

even when you don't get exactly what you want...

even when the road's rough...

as long as you put one foot in front of the other...

and keep driving on.

[sultry jazz music playing]

You have been a very bad girl.

A very bad girl.

Well...

sometimes life will give you a little gift.

[theme music playing]

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