Original subtitles

[inhaling deeply]

You know, I've been thinking about what you said to that last recruit,

about how a tiger is the last thing you'd want to fight.

I mean, yeah, it's a 400-pound death machine

that can jump 20 feet from a standstill.

But still, I'd rather fight a tiger than a bear.

Are you trying to say the dumbest thing possible again?

A bear is a 1,500-pound death machine.

That is a walking tank.

Do you know how big that is?

Yeah, I know how big it is. I've seen your mom.

- [cell phone rings] - [groans]

Chapel Hill Recruiting, Sergeant Spreter speaking.

Oh, your son?

12:30? Yes, we look forward to seeing him.

No, thank you.

Say what you want about my mother's weight,

but at least my mom ain't banging some unscrupulous drug dealer.

For the last time,

my father owns a legal cannabis dispensary.

He's not just some pharmaceutical rep pushing oxy and vaccines.

That's just an excuse a tiger lover would give.

Hey, guys.

I don't love tigers.

I just respect them.

They've got stealth.

Tigers jump at you, and then, bam,

you've got 6-inch fangs buried in your neck

before you know what happened,

and you're bleeding out on the forest floor.

And that's not a bad way to go.

Bears eat you ass first, and then continue eating you alive.

Ass first?

It's a documented fact.

And, oh, bears climb, brother.

- They climb. - Tigers climb too.

- You stay out of this. - It's not about you right now.

This is service members only.

Are you here to join, or did you just bring cookies?

That depends. Is there anything interesting?

92 Sierra has a $30,000 signing bonus.

It's a washer, dryer, and sink repair specialist.

88 Kilo is also open.

It's a watercraft operator,

and then you can stay away from the tigers.

- And bears. - Oh, my.

Both those animals swim quite well.

[groans]

They're macadamia nut.

[theme music playing]

I never really thought of myself as an artist,

but when my mom took me to the Monet exhibit in New York,

I was just hooked.

I never got the point of Monet.

I deserved that.

For me, it was comics.

Todd McFarlane and Ron Lim inspired me,

and I started drawing Spidey and Surfer comics,

and the rest is history.

For me, it's about purpose.

Life is pain.

And I want to bring that pain to life and heal those around me.

[Jocelyn] Okay.

What about you, Joe?

Oh, me? Uh...

Monet, as well. For sure. Yeah.

Starry Night, am I right?

That's Van Gogh.

It absolutely is.

Just testing you.

And you passed.

She passed.

[Jocelyn] Uh-huh.

So I started drawing on Porta-Potties when I was deployed to Iraq.

Mostly penises.

At first, it was to pass the time,

but then I started to get really good at it.

My penis drawings became legendary. That led to me drawing other things:

our platoon logo, pictures for dudes trying to impress their girls back home.

Like life, my art sprang from a dick.

- What is beat Lee-ing? - [knocking on door]

Come in.

Beat Lee-ing is...

[laughs] Joe, what are you doing?

I'm just making sure there's

no de-working, de-bumping, or de-grinding going on.

Joe, that is so last week, okay?

This week, we're beat Lee-ing.

[Joe] Do I even want to know?

Yeah. It's when the beat drops, and you give your best Bruce Lee move.

- [shouts] - Jesus Cristo es Jason Bourne.

Hungry?

- Yeah, I'm starving. - Cool. Wanna grab lunch?

Yeah, I've been dreaming about that taco truck outside all day.

- Well, it's on me, so let's go. - Yeah? Thanks.

- Come on. - [knocking on door]

Hey, hey. I brought gifts.

- Hey, Joe. How are you, buddy? - [Joe] Yeah.

- Dos Gringos Tacos. How did you know? - [Michael] Yeah.

I heard you talking about them last week, so I rented the truck out for the day.

I figure with as hard as the average laborer

is working around here, they deserve it.

All right. Well, I'm gonna get out of here.

Michael, always good to see you. Ash, I'll check you later, all right?

Joe, whole tray of tacos, brother.

- Stay with us. Come on. - Yeah, we can't eat all these.

- Eat lunch with us. - I need to get out of the office, so...

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- All right. - See y'all later.

- Okay. All right. - Take care.

- Got the full spread for you, miss. - This is so amazing.

Pull up a chair. Take a seat.

- [groans] - This is awesome.

What did you get me?

Chaz, I need you if you got a minute.

You need me?

Yeah. Can we talk?

Sure.

I mean, I've been rendering for 32 minutes.

It's been going all night, but I can give you that time I have.

No, it's cool. I only need five.

You know, I think you're the only one who can help me.

You know money's tight around here.

Look, if you're asking me to pitch in or something, I don't have any, so...

Dude, no, no. Neither do I.

Paycheck to paycheck like it's my job, am I right?

Right.

No. So I found out about this brand, all right?

It's a spirit brand. It's called Cold Zero.

It's veteran-made, and it's absolutely delicious.

Military people know about it, but basically no one else does.

I want to pitch them on hiring us,

but in order to do that, I need a bad-ass video.

What do you say?

So you're asking me to save the company?

No, Chaz.

I'm begging for your help to save the company.

No one else can do this.

- I accept your challenge. - [Joe] Great.

I gotta hit this meeting, and then we're gonna catch up,

- and we're gonna brainstorm, all right? - All right.

Yahoo.

[snoring]

Hey, Joe. You're early.

You know what they say:

"If you're ten minutes early, you're on time."

"If you're on time, you're late."

- Kevin? Are you...? - [footsteps approaching]

Karen, are you okay?

No, not really.

We've got a big, potential client coming in,

which is why I wanted everybody here. No one's here.

There's no food tray here, no coffee, no doughnuts.

There's nothing.

How can we help?

I don't know.

Look, things are getting tight around here.

And we just need to land a big client, but it's like nobody cares.

Hey, we care.

This isn't your fault.

There's no one to blame but me.

- I'm sorry. I'm gonna go wait outside. - Wait, wait, wait. Who's the client?

It's Dick Richards, the big-time investor.

He makes or breaks consumer brands.

You name it, he's touched it.

Black Rifle Coffee, Combat Flip-Flops,

- even Thigh-Huggers. - Wow.

[Karen] Yeah, he's a kingmaker.

[sighs] I want to be coronated.

You know, I'm just gonna wait outside. I'm sorry.

You know, it's actually super messed up how everyone's always late around here.

Well, we can either sit around here bitching, moaning and complaining,

or we can get off our asses and give her the help she needs.

I'm gonna get doughnuts across the street.

Roger. I'll get the coffee.

[giggles]

Richard. Dick Richard.

- Pleased to make your acquaintance. - The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Richards.

Please, Karen. Call me Dick.

Oh, okay. Dick, it is.

I got a big challenge for your team this week.

The kind of challenge that would make most marketers shrivel up.

Ooh. Well, I assure you we will not shrivel.

We will stand strong and handle anything thrown upon us.

Please, this way.

It's always tied so hard.

- Now we're gonna have to buy another. - [Jocelyn] You fucked it up.

- [Rafael] I didn't. You messed it up. - [Jocelyn] Yes, you did.

- [Rafael] You saw her do it. - Guys, lock it up.

Dick Richards is here in two minutes. We have to look professional.

One, who are you and what have you done with Joe?

And two, his name is Dick Richards?

Oh, I'm just the dude who's tired of everyone ignoring

how hard Karen's working to keep this place together.

I don't know, it's just me.

I think what Joe's trying to say is, everyone needs to pitch in a little more,

and this client is really important.

[Karen] Great. After you.

Wonderful. And we'll just head into the office here.

Everyone, I'd love to introduce you to Dick Richards.

He was the keynote speaker at the FREDx Conference,

and I have to say, he changed my life.

Thank you, Karen.

I'm glad that I inspired you, as I have so many before.

Brand, to me, it's not about image.

It's about what's real,

what you feel deep inside, deep inside your loins.

A good brand can have you feeling good for a long time,

but a bad brand, well, it just makes you feel impotent. Wah.

Kind of like when they made Teen Wolf Too without Michael J. Fox.

- He's right. - Just felt flaccid, didn't it?

- Well said, well said. - [Joe] It is, yeah.

I bet you're all wondering why I have you here today

and which one of my brands you're gonna be working for.

Snake Farm. You shred?

I do, sir.

Well, I don't.

But I'm the guy that made Snake Farm happen, and you know why?

Because I did so much research.

I put in so much time that, scientifically speaking,

I know more about skateboarding than all the skateboarders in this world.

That's the DRD.

The Dick Richards Difference.

Can I get you a coffee or a doughnut?

Is it Kopi Luwak?

[Rafael] Um, no. What is that?

Kopi Luwak. It's Indonesian.

It's the best coffee on earth.

You see, what happens is, the Asian palm civet,

it takes the beans, it eats the beans, it shits out the beans,

then a human being comes by, cleans up the beans, grounds the beans,

gives it back to a human, and we drink the beans. It is delicious.

I don't think I can drink civet poop.

And that's why nobody will remember your name.

Um, how about you tell us about...?

[Dick] Shh, shh, shh...

I'm about to illuminate you on why Dick Richards is here.

I'm starting a new brand,

and I want all of you at Gasoline Dog to launch it.

Oh, oh, that's so exciting.

What's the brand?

Male enhancement pills. Boop.

I call it Man De Ville.

That's French for "man of the city."

Ooh! Ooh-la-la. I love the French, and I love that.

I thought you might.

Everybody loves a man of the city. But here's the Dick Richards kicker.

I don't wanna be some cutesy-wootsy brand.

Every enhancement pill out there is nudge-nudge, wink-wink.

Nope!

Man De Ville is gonna be out front and center.

And what exactly does that mean?

That I need you guys to design a logo

that has a huge dick and one, two, balls.

Yes!

I like your enthusiasm. But I'm not gonna beat around the bush.

Dick Richards, this guy, I'm not an also-ran.

I need you guys to penetrate the market.

Plant a seed by moving that little market penetrator around.

I need you to take it out

and let everybody know that we're the only game in town.

[softly] Is anybody hearing this?

To do that, I'm gonna need you all up.

Pound hard, and I mean, relentlessly, until the big release...

of our product.

You can count on us, Dick. We won't let you down.

[Karen] You sure can.

- Karen, here's a check. - Yeah?

I'm gonna need that logo done in 48 hours. Can you do that?

It's a bit premature.

That's perfect. We can definitely do that for you, yes.

[Dick] Excellent.

And, Karen, I need this dick logo to be handled properly, okay?

Otherwise, it puts us in a sticky situation for launch.

Richard's out.

[door opens, closes]

- You guys have to have heard that. - No.

He was actually more clear about what he wanted

than any client we've ever had.

Okay, guys, I need your best work on this one.

Joe, you seem to understand exactly what he's after,

so you're the lead on this project.

Karen, this would be an absolute honor.

So exciting.

[Joe] I've waited my entire adult life for this moment.

But what technique do I use?

Photorealistic?

Abstract?

Impressionist?

Definitely not minimalist, no.

I think I have to go real.

I gotta pull out all the stops.

This really isn't my forte.

We've spent thousands of years talking about men and their penises.

It's all over history.

Maybe it's time to tell her-story.

Hey, Chaz.

[groans]

- [sultry jazz music playing] - I love how you took control in there

and dressed those miscreants down.

Someone's got to look after Karen.

Right now, you're gonna have to look after me.

And for once,

I'll be the one in the handcuffs.

[chuckles]

[tense music playing]

It's here.

It's all here, isn't it, Chazzy boy?

It's gotta be strong, powerful,

the kind of stuff military people would drink but still approachable.

Stencil thoughts?

Hmm.

Rain.

Rain like camouflage.

But does our hero save the girl?

[groans]

Chaz, what's this?

Looks like you're working hard.

Yeah, it's a project I'm working on with Joe.

Not ready for public consumption yet.

Message received.

I hate it when people mess around with my work before it's ready.

I know.

Still, if I was gonna add one thing, it seems like it's military-centric,

so they probably don't want to see, like, stencil fonts or the camouflage.

It's like when marketers try and push pink onto women.

You know, everything else is awesome, just that one little thing.

Okay, bye.

Just a little thing.

Just a little thing.

Just a little thing! [sobbing]

Just a little thing.

How many times do I have to tell them to shut the lights off when they're gone?

[footsteps departing]

[groaning]

Oh, meeting started at noon, Jocelyn.

Oh, sorry.

What'd I miss?

Nothing. We waited on you.

Oh, cool. Thanks.

You're missing the point.

You know what? Never mind. Let's see what everyone's thinking.

All right. I think we should do a little penis character,

and we dress him in a detective noir style,

with a little derby hat and a cute little overcoat.

Why would we do that?

They call them "private dicks." It's a play on words. It's funny.

Good call counting on modern men

to understand detective references from the 1930s.

That will totally slay.

What do you have, Jocelyn?

To be honest, I haven't really thought much about it.

This guy kind of sucks.

Yeah, well, we probably need to start thinking about it.

Raf, what about you?

I say we surprise him with giving him the opposite of what he expected,

and we make the logo feminine.

Women, after all, are the purchasers of the household.

I actually need a minute, guys. I'll be back.

What's his problem?

[both speaking Spanish]

[cell phone rings]

Giuseppe, what's going on, man?

Sir, I'm really pissed right now.

Did something bad happen? Are you all right?

Everyone here is so lazy.

They spend so much time trying to get out of work instead of just doing it.

If they tried just a little, we'd be crushing it.

Instead, we're barely making ends meet.

And they don't even seem to care.

Joe, before you made sergeant,

you and the rest of the E4 Mafia covered the doorway to a room

with drywall, finishing it with painstaking detail

so that you could build a secret entrance through a false wall behind a bunk bed.

I remember that.

And why did you do that again?

Well, we were tired of getting volunteered for details.

If the sergeants couldn't see us, they couldn't task us.

Yeah, right.

You spent night after night for weeks building a place not to work,

where you would have spent far less time and effort on the whole thing

if you had just done the assigned tasks,

which weren't that challenging to begin with.

I'm not seeing your point, sir.

When you made sergeant, what changed?

Well, suddenly I was the one responsible for getting this stuff done.

I didn't know how hard the job was before I was in those shoes.

Exactly.

So I need to remember what it was like to be a new sergeant?

Lead them, Joe.

Thank you, sir.

[call disconnects]

[tense music playing]

You have merely adopted the darkness.

I was born to it.

Hold it, quiet.

That's it.

Darkness.

Approachable, kind.

But if you mess with them, they'll destroy you.

Like Keanu Reeves.

But I need a different protagonist for this.

Manly. Charming.

But also a dick.

The kind of guy women would want to have babies with.

But also run over with their cars.

Maybe in the same day.

But where can I find this protagonist?

[girl] Hey. [shouts]

Stop it.

Come on, mister. Please don't lock up our bikes.

[sighs] Listen, you nasty little booger eaters.

If I let you park your bikes here,

I gotta let everybody park their bikes here.

Sign says no parking. You don't know how to read?

Not really. I go to public school.

Checks out.

But please, mister, unlock our bikes.

We'll have to walk about five miles to get home.

Listen, actions have consequences.

Nice little walk might give you some time to think, yeah?

I'm gonna go tell my mom about this.

What's up? Is she hot?

Hey, that's assault, kid.

I don't care.

[tense music plays]

[Joe] Listen up!

Everything changes time now.

Joe, maybe you should calm down.

Calm down? [chuckles] Calm down.

We have a design due in two hours

that the entire company is depending on in order to survive.

And what have y'all done?

Bitched about making a masculine brand for a dude that wants a masculine brand.

- Take it easy. - [Joe] Easy?

Easy. I want you to do something other than take it easy, okay?

Super obvious you grew up on Daddy's money, all right?

With your "I don't have to follow any rules" bullshit.

That's some blue on blue right there. I love the military discipline.

Yeah? And what do you know about it, huh?

All you ever do is talk about joining the military.

You want to join? Fucking join!

Otherwise, shut the motherfuck up!

You know what? You guys talk a big game, but you never deliver.

I'm gonna go work on my design,

and I expect you motherfuckers to do the same.

Where do you get off expecting us to do anything?

[Joe scoffs] Don't you get it?

It's not about me.

It's about Karen.

And by the way, it's about each other.

Take some damn ownership.

What the fuck is his problem?

[groaning]

Hey, Chaz.

- Were you followed? - What?

Were you followed?!

- No. - Don't lie to me, big boy.

- I'm not! - Were you followed?

- I wasn't followed. - All right.

Never mind all that.

[sighs] Here it is, Big Joe,

the ad that'll take Gasoline Dog to the next level.

The ad that will win us Cold Zero.

- What am I looking at here, buddy? - [groans]

Intrigue.

Mystery.

Taste.

Sex.

All of it.

- Am I cleared hot? - Yeah.

Am I cleared hot?!

- Yes, you're cleared hot. - Hot or cold? Hot or cold?

- You're hot. - Hot!

- [Joe] Yes. - All right.

You know what, Chaz?

Finally, someone cares around here.

- Nice work. - [groans]

[tense music playing]

All work and no play make Chaz a dull boy.

All work and no play make Chaz a dull boy.

[rock music playing]

Thanks.

Howdy, partner. What you drinking?

If it's all the same to you, man, I'd prefer to drink alone.

Name's Darryl, Space Force vet.

Uh, I can see you're having a wah kind of day.

Well, lay it on me.

I've seen some serious shit, you know.

I'm sure you have, Darryl.

Uh, again, just wanna be left alone.

All right, well, if you wanna hide your feelings

and be a little bitch about it, be my guest.

What'd you say?

I think I was very clear, Mr. Too-Scared-To-Talk.

Hey, Joe.

What are you mad at? We both know it ain't Darryl.

He's annoying as hell.

Normal people have loud conversations in public places,

but you don't see me cracking skulls at an airport, do you?

- You let go of my hand. - Depends.

Can you control your emotions?

So, what's really going on?

All right, look, my coworkers, they don't give a shit.

All right, the girl I like, she's with someone else.

I'm kind of with someone else too, if I'm being honest.

Nothing's good right now, man.

Oh, I don't know.

You're young, healthy.

Got your whole life ahead of you. It all looks pretty good to me.

It's just when I was in, all right,

I knew who I was and I knew what I was doing.

Like, I had a mission. I had a purpose.

I had my squad, and we had each other's back.

Here, I have nothing.

Let me ask you a question.

How long did it take for you to feel at home in the military?

I don't know.

How about basic training? You feel at home?

Hell no.

AIT?

Better yet, when you get to your unit as a private?

No.

Probably wasn't till I was a specialist till I felt like I actually belonged.

And then I had to relearn everything when I made sergeant.

So five years.

Made sergeant in four.

Four? Good for you. So how long have you been a civilian?

Uh, like four weeks, I guess.

Oh, shit. You don't have it all figured out, huh?

Yeah, you do suck.

All right, look, when you put it that way, yeah, I kind of feel like an asshole.

Word of advice, dude.

Stay away from these when you're not feeling so hot.

If I hadn't come to the bar,

then I wouldn't have gotten your brilliant life advice, Tony.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: The Legion isn't a bar.

It has a bar. Understand the difference.

Thanks, Tony. I appreciate that.

Tony?

- Hey, did you see where Tony went? - Who?

Tony Garcia, the guy I was literally just talking to.

Tony Garcia died three years ago, man.

[ominous music playing]

[all laughing and shouting]

Whenever we have a new guy, we like to pretend I'm a ghost.

It's the little things, you know?

Hey, guys.

Hey, uh...

I want to apologize for yesterday.

I was seriously out of line.

- I wasn't listening to you, anyways. - Right.

The message wasn't wrong, but the delivery was problematic.

I get it.

I appreciate it.

All right, so we ready for this?

Ready as I'll ever be.

- You know what time it is, guys? - What's that?

It's dick time.

Right you are. [laughs]

Okay, guys.

Okay, Mr. Richards, if you'd like to take that seat there.

Thank you.

Dick, we look forward to showing you what we've been working on.

The team has tirelessly been pouring their hearts and souls into this project.

We want Man De Ville to take over the world.

Okay, Carter, you're up first.

I hope you like this, Mr. Richards.

Good steady base.

That's the appropriate curvature right there. Solid head.

Great balls.

Veiny but not too veiny.

Nice. Very nice.

[Karen] And Jocelyn.

[Dick] Whoa!

I can't tell if that's a penis

or if the lady that owns that just does a lot of squats.

You know what I mean?

Get the fuck out.

Okay, Joe, just go, go, go. You're up.

I've spent my whole life preparing for this moment.

Looking at penises is not my favorite thing.

I think we can all agree the female form is vastly more alluring.

Still, Joe absolutely nailed it.

Pun intended.

It's glorious.

[celestial music playing]

It's unapologetic.

A pure work of art.

[sobbing] You brought that penis to life in a way that I didn't know was possible.

Joe, your stiffy is giving me a stiffy right now.

Thank you, sir.

Now, I know we got one more, but I don't know what's gonna top that.

[Karen chuckles]

I'm so happy. Okay, Raf, you're up.

[Jocelyn laughs]

- That's it. - What?

It's everything.

It's bold without arrogance.

It's got enough detail to know what you're looking at

without being beaten over the head with it.

That's a dick that tells a story.

That's a dick that tells the story of Man De Ville.

Richard's out.

It was the worst day of my life.

Joke's on him.

That symbol I drew is the ancient 14th century Flemish symbol

for female empowerment.

I'm with you, sisters.

Oh! Joe, Joe, are you okay to lock up?

Carter's left already, and I've got to dash.

- Yeah, no problem. - Awesome. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[grunts]

Don't move, or I'll cut your throat from ear to ear.

All right, look, take it easy.

No need to do anything stupid.

You take it easy.

- You got your cell phone? - I got it.

All right. I'm gonna reach down into my front pocket nice and slow.

You can have the phone. I don't care.

I don't want your cell phone, bro.

Turn on the flashlight.

Flashlight.

Wait a second, I know this watch.

- Kevin! - That's right.

Who is Jebediah Scott, and why am I looking at his DD-214?

I'm Jebediah Scott.

You're a vet?

That's right, and the illegitimate brother of Tony and Ridley Scott.

After I left the Navy,

I became a bigtime Hollywood director too.

That's until I caught my lying, cheating, whoring wife,

stooping this A-list actor.

Hope you kicked his ass.

Sadly, no.

He was found mysteriously murdered three weeks later.

- Ever find out who did it? - They tried me twice.

I was acquitted both times.

Seems that the lack of body parts hampered the investigation.

- What a shame. - What a shame.

Is that a Sharpie?

You don't think I can kill you with a Sharpie?

I didn't say that.

The fact that you still cling to the notion

that the Spartans were the gayest band of warriors,

where the sacred band of thieves are sitting right in front of you,

is the definition of insanity.

Look, all I'm saying... What do you want?

- Where are the cookies? - I'm going infantry.

I wanna sign up today.

[theme music playing]

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