All language subtitles for Office Joe s01e03 The Rule of War.eng

Is that a pirate flag
on the back of your truck?

You're absolutely fucking right it is.

Yeah, why don't you throw
a Spartan sticker up there?

Really lean into it.

Oh, come on!

Like me, pirates roamed free,

took what they want,
and screwed like it was their job.

- Yeah.
- God, I was born too late.

Yeah, yeah. Settle down, Jimmy Buffett.

I do have a question, though.
Do you have a Jack Sparrow tramp stamp?

I can't believe you have the audacity
to even come at me.

Don't you love those little samurai?

We've been over this. Not samurai.

Samurai were the shogun's bitches!

- Ninjas!
- Ninja, please.

If I wanted to dress in pajamas
and hide in the bushes

just to stab somebody in the back,
I'd be a fucking officer.

No, ninjas were the special operations
of their time.

They were skilled, they were respectable,

not stumbling around drunk like pirates,
beating up fat merchants,

getting syphilis from lack of vitamin C.

- Scurvy.
- What?

They got scurvy from lack of vitamin C.

They got syphilis from whoring around.

[Vaughn] You're making your case now.
It's not surprising

that you're the expert on syphilis.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

First the fever comes on, then the sweats,
then the lesions, then it goes internal.

Starts hitting your organs.

You start having vivid dreams
and massive hallucinations and, bam,

three years later, you're dead.

That sounds awesome.

There's something wrong with you.

Hey, guys, I just want to say how much
I genuinely miss these conversations.

- Yeah, he's not gonna go out with you.
- No, I'm not that kind of pirate, pal.

Even miss the constant homophobia.

No, you guys are both very attractive men,
but I'm just saying hi.

I used to be in the military.

Whoa!

You wanna go back in?

Because we have some amazing,
amazing bonuses for 88 Mikes right now.

- No, man, I actually just got out.
- Well, then, fuck you, then.

Yeah, fuck you.
What'd you do in the military?

Oh, so I was a...

- Let me guess, a SEAL? You were a SEAL?
- No, no, I was a...

- SEAL? [barking]
- [barking]

[Joe] All right, guys.

- Fucking prick.
- Yeah, what an asshole.

I was a SEAL.

Bin Laden should have been
a Delta mission.

[theme music playing]

[phone ringing]

- Ah! There he is!
- [shouting]

Martinez, Jones, what's going on, guys?

Not much, man. You know us,
getting ready to deploy again.

You gonna join us this time?

Yeah, there's still plenty of time
for you to join us and not be a bitch.

I don't think I'm making this one, boys.

[both cawing]

All right, it's not like that, okay?

It's just time
for the next phase of my life.

[both cawing]

Yeah, yeah, fuck you guys.

[laughing]

All right, keep doodling, you blue falcon.

- Y'all are assholes.
- [call disconnects]

In the military, when someone
screws someone over,

they call him or her a blue falcon,
which stands for "buddy fucker."

Especially when that person
is a higher rank.

I mean, you can't just say that to them,
so everyone will go:

[caws]

It's the best.

Are you okay, Joe? You look tired.

Oh, yeah.

Had a bit of a long night.

Yeah, I know. I tried calling you.

Oh, my bad. Did you need something?

I...

All right, listen up, people.

I want you all to bow your heads for
my friend and client, Silas Wraithmore.

Silas?

You're welcome.

Silas, it's so nice to meet you.

I'm Ashleigh-Mareigh.

[groaning]

[wheelchair whirring]

Silas works for Shadowbrella
Ambulance Corporation

and he's hired us to develop a campaign
to take down the Worst Responders.

Are they a rival ambulance company?

Hardly.

We're a multi-billion dollar
medical conglomerate

delivering premium ambulance services.

- So who are the Worst Responders, then?
- They're a first responder meme page.

So you're trying to take out a meme page?

Isn't that a little bit
of an overreaction?

Listen up, cupcake.

Nobody has the audacity to make fun of us.

Nobody!

Nobody makes fun of Big Ambo.

Nobody.

Did he just poke Joe?

I believe he did.

Well, what if we found a way
to all work together?

You know, with the Worst Responders?

Because we catch more flies with honey.

Work together. Work together.

Honey, we don't want to catch flies.

We want to crush flies.

We want to destroy them.

We wanna go to their homes
and salt the fields

so they can never return home again,
that's what we want.

[Joe caws]

Um... [clears throat]

My bad.

[Silas groaning]

[wheelchair whirring]

[groans]

[stomach gurgles]

I feel a bowel movement coming.

- Ah...
- [farts]

- Not yet.
- [Joe] Okay.

[farting]

I have to dump out.

[Stewart] Okay.

[Joe] Jesus Christ.

[Ashleigh] Where do you find these people?

That might be the worst person
I've ever met.

Well, you heard the man.

We have a meme page to destroy.

I want those people
to regret ever being born.

I stand corrected.

Guys, check this out.

It's just ridiculous videos.

Are we seriously going
after some EMTs and firefighters

just being ridiculous on the Internet?
Come on, man.

Yeah, this doesn't feel right.

Let me ask you something, Josephine.

All right, when the villages
were hiding Taliban in Afghanistan,

what did you do, huh?

[mimicking gunfire]
You mowed them down, right?

[in high-pitched voice] "No, no,
I'm just an innocent boy!"

Bang! The daughter with the clubfoot
starts running away.

"Oh, man, she's fast for a cripple.

Hold on,
just a quick range adjustment here."

[grunting]

Bang!

The mother comes out of the hut,
grips on your leg.

[in high-pitched voice]
"No! Why would you kill my children?"

You let the tomahawk
slide off the back of your belt.

"Don't worry, you're gonna see them soon."

[in high-pitched voice] "I am?"

[shouting]

What are their pronouns?

[Stewart] You showed them no mercy, right?

You let them know
that you are not to be trifled with.

Of course not.

That's the literal definition
of a war crime.

Really?

That's weak sauce.

Look, I just want information, okay?

Who are these people?

Do they have kids?

Mm? Do they have any affairs
going on in their lives?

Can we call the IRS on them?
Maybe the FBI?

In a sense, how do we ruin them?

Does no one think working with these guys
degrades our reputation?

I do. My father
didn't almost serve after 9/11

for me to embarrass him by doing this.

Yeah.

[screaming] Ideas! By noon!

[in normal voice] And they better be good.

I am a savage.

You don't like it? Get out of my way.

Besides, they might complain.
"Oh, Stewie's so mean."

But I'm the center of their universe.

They gravitate towards my leadership.

Even that lesbo, Jocelyn.

I could turn her straight if I wanted to.

She's just not my type.

If there's ever a Purge,
I'm coming for Stewie.

By night's end, his head will be
on a pike, and I will bathe in his blood.

Mark my words.

Stewie is, uh...

problematic.

If there's one thing I learned in Airsoft,

it's that leaders
inspire those around them.

Stewie would get totally fragged
in my weekend game.

Knock, knock.

- Hey.
- [Ashleigh] Michael, hi.

- How are you?
- Good. How are you?

Good.

- [Ashleigh] What are you doing here?
- Figured I'd just say hi.

Okay. Well, everyone, this is Michael,

- the founder of Kinetic Force Labs.
- Hey, how are you guys?

- How are you?
- Oh, my God. I love what you do.

I can't wait for Range Recon.

I signed up for your beta, and it is sick.

Didn't you guys
back the Fuel app store too?

We did.

At Kinetic Force Labs, we believe
that Big Tech shouldn't be the arbiter

of what can go into an app.

Oh, yeah, that's where I got
the Shithead app.

- [Michael] Yeah.
- [shouts] So you're coming on as a client?

Uh, no. We have our own
30-person marketing team, but thank you.

- Appreciate it.
- [Joe] Ah.

We'd crush it for you.
You're missing out, man.

- Sure you would.
- [Joe] What brings you around here, then?

Well, I wanted to ask this classy lady
what time I should pick you up tonight.

The ballet starts at 8:00,

but I thought maybe
we can get drinks prior.

Yeah. How about 7:00?

- 7:00? 7:00 works.
- Gotta head out.

Nice to meet you, Michael.

- What was your name?
- [Joe] Yeah, it's Joe.

- Joe. Pleasure to meet you.
- Yeah. All right, take care.

- Seems like a nice guy.
- Yeah.

Joseph.

Hey, Victoria.

[Michael and Ashleigh chattering]

And then what was your name?

- Carter.
- [Michael] Carter.

Thanks for being part of the dream, buddy.

- Of course.
- [Michael] Appreciate it. Um, okay.

- Nope. Nope. Nope. No.
- [moaning]

[Michael] Uh, hey, Ash?

We're good. All right.

- I'll see you at 7:00.
- See you.

[Michael] Oh, pardon me.

[Victoria] You should be careful
with the PDA in the office.

It makes some people...

very uncomfortable.

It's new. I don't know what it is yet,
but he's so solid, you know?

Who wouldn't wanna date him?
He has it all together.

No indecisiveness, no games.

He seems like a nice guy, for sure.

She...

She deserves someone nice.

[upbeat music playing]

Welcome all to Vegan-palooza.

[scattered applause]

I appreciate you all
for being so open-minded,

and especially to those of you
who donated dishes.

- [chuckles]
- This was a really good idea, Rafael.

Yeah, man. Thank you for sharing.
We appreciate it.

That looks so good.

I don't know. I feel like
there's a little something missing.

My ancestors did not fight off
saber-toothed tigers with spears

in order for me to live off soy
for the rest of my life.

No, sir.

I also prefer to have some meat.

Mm... Mm!

Stewie, these Impossible Burgers
are so good.

[Jocelyn] Yeah, Stewie,
this is really good.

- [Rafael] Mm.
- [Jocelyn] Mm.

[Joe] Let me get some hummus.

[laughing]

It's not Impossible Burger.

It's burger and cheese.

Lots of cheese.

This will be hilarious.

People think that hummus
is Greek, but it's not.

- [Joe] Really?
- Yeah.

[Carter] Are you sure?

[Rafael groaning]

Sorry.

[groaning]

[Carter] You all right?

I'm not feeling so good.

[Ashleigh] What's wrong?

[grunting]

[door slams]

[Rafael shouting and defecating]

Oh! It burns!

[shouting and defecating continues]

Is everything okay, guys?
I heard someone screaming.

[Rafael groaning]

Guess what, guys. It's real meat.

What the fuck, Stewie?

Stewie, what the fuck?

- [toilet flushes]
- Relax, we're just having a bit of fun.

You know how important this was for Raf.

[Joe caws]

[grunting]

I think the hummus went down the wrong...

tube.

[upbeat music playing]

[wheelchair whirring]

What is this?

This is my tribute
to the three greatest veterans I know.

Jason Van Camp runs Warrior Rising.

They help veterans become entrepreneurs.

Jared Lyon runs
Student Veterans of America.

They help veterans dominate college.

And Tim Kennedy runs Sheepdog Response,

the premier training academy
for the warrior inside all of us.

It's like my ghost of badass past,
present, and future.

[laughing mockingly] Kennedy sucks.

How can you say that?

He doesn't even believe
in the Second Amendment.

He runs a school that teaches
gun safety and shooting skills.

How can you say he doesn't like
the Second Amendment?

Well, in an interview eight years ago,
he said some things that I didn't like.

And no matter how many times
he's tried to clarify his comments...

I still choose to hate him.

I can understand that, actually.

I feel the same way about George Lucas
when he made Greedo shoot first.

Fuck George Lucas.

And fuck Tim Kennedy.

Chaz, you can do this, man.

Uh, I'm not good at talking to people.

Do you think I was always
a legendary lover

and a maker of cinemagraphic masterpieces?

Yes?

True. But like a fine wine,
I got better as the years went on.

That's why we practice.

You have a great idea
for Main Street Bond.

Now deliver it.

Okay, here it goes.

- [pensive music playing]
- Envision a woman.

Her name is Lisa.

She's been burning the midnight oil
and grinding away at her new business

- when, bam...
- Make me believe it.

...she comes to the realization

that she does not have
the capital to get the job done.

A normal night turns
into the longest night of her life.

- Her hope is dwindling.
- Yes.

Then she sees it.

Main Street Bond.

Experts that can help.

Not charlatans whining on social media.

[chuckles softly]

She's refilled with hope.

Each backer, each investor, each share
gets her closer to her dream.

Bring it home!

At Main Street Bond,

we turn every nervous tic
into a new opportunity.

And every dream into reality.

Because we know that every moment matters.

You nailed it. Just like I nailed
Dame Judi on the set of Shakespeare.

You mean Judi Dench?

A gentleman never tells, Chaz.

A gentleman never tells.

Now, go tell Karen.

Silas, it means the world to me

that you've come to Gasoline Dog
for your marketing needs.

We are small, but we are mighty.

First, let me be clear, Karen.

Um, you are a tasty...

[wheelchair whirring]

...little morsel.

I...

A little old for my taste.

But like a bundle of bananas,

brown and bruised on the outside...

but still soft, delicate...

and delicious on the inside.

Um, thank you?

It's true, Aunt Karen.
You're a smoke show.

[Silas] Yes, yes.

Second, our marketing company
was a little apprehensive

to get their hands dirty, you know.

But you don't look like
you have a problem getting...

dirty.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yeah, well, I'm confident
that once you've worked with us,

you'll want to do more with us.

[Silas] Oh.

Oh, I promise you, I already do.

So tell me more about Shadowbrella.

Ah. Shadowbrella...

Ambulance Corporation.

They prefer their full name.

Okay, but when you say the whole thing,

it does sound kind of...

evil?

[both] Eeh...?

Evil?

Is there anything evil about
when somebody's sick or injured

being able to be moved to the hospital
in a life-and-death crisis?

Um, I guess not,
when you put it like that.

Um, so what's your business model?
I really do love to learn about clients.

Well, we use
favorable government regulations.

So in the event
that somebody has to call 911,

they have no choice
but to use our company.

And in that moment of crisis,

we are then able to overbill them
for any and all services.

- It's brilliant.
- True.

Okay, okay, so that means you must pay
your EMT guys a great wage.

[both laughing]

- It's a great wage.
- It's a very good wage.

You are funny.

Tasty and funny.

No, we pay them barely over minimum wage.

Oh, I love that.

- Isn't that fantastic?
- Yes.

Okay, so sorry, I'm a little confused.

Um, so, what stops your employees
from going to your competitors?

So we've lobbied extensively
that, in effect,

no other company
is able to start doing business

without first being approved...

Wait for it.

...by us.

By us. By us.

We have to make sure
that they can do business

before they can do business.

[whispers] And we never allow that.

That can't be right.

Oh, it's very right.

- Slam dunk, Aunt Karen.
- Boom.

We just really need the money.

I don't feel good about this.

Seriously, dude. Most of these
first responders guys are vets.

As a vegan, I vowed to never hurt animals.

And the Worst Responders are animals.

The human animal.

Come on, man.

Raf, you always say the right thing
in the worst possible way.

Folks, now, I know we got off
to a little bit of a rocky start,

but the Shadowbrella client
is the best client we've ever had,

so let's hear these ideas.

Can't do it, Karen.

Yeah, he's the worst.

Listen, I don't know if you've noticed,
but we're not doing that great right now.

Do you know how much it costs
to run this company?

Well, I do.

And he may not be the nicest guy,

but this client will keep us going
for the rest of the year.

So I want a campaign.

[Stewart] Can I just say
that I am appalled

at the lack of teamwork
in this company right now?

But I have been working on something.

Thank you, Stewie.

[Stewart clears throat]

- [pensive music playing]
- Envision a woman.

Her name is Lisa.

She's been burning the midnight oil,
grinding away at her new business,

when, bam, suddenly,
she realizes she's having a heart attack.

A normal night has become
the longest night of her entire life.

[Karen] I love this.

[Stewart] Her hope dwindles.

And then she sees it.

The Shadowbrella Ambulance
Corporation ambulance.

EMTs that can help.

Not charlatans
whining away on social media.

Her hope is refilled with each EMT,
with each IV,

with each gentle caressing touch
bringing her closer to a hospital.

- At Shadowbrella Ambulance Corporation...
- [whispering] He stole my idea.

...we transform every scary tick

- of the clock into quality care...
- [mouthing] What the fuck?

...delivering every patient safely
to a life-saving hospital.

Because here,
we know that every moment matters.

[Karen] Oh, my God. I love it. I love it.

It builds the client.

And it does hit the Worst Responders,
but not attack them.

So it's the high road approach.

- Great job, Stewie.
- I do what I can. [laughs]

Okay, team. Let's make this happen.

You... You stole my idea.

Boo-hoo.

That's unacceptable, even for you, Stewie.

[caws, then coughs]

Are you okay, Joe?

I'm fine.

[door opens]

[door closes]

Yeah, no, he's not fine.

[line ringing]

How are you doing, Joe?

Not great, sir.

Why? What's up?

I... I think I made
a mistake by getting out.

You just got out.
How can you say that already?

Nothing here makes sense.

They don't get my jokes.
They don't get me.

No one's in danger. No one's dying.

And they're all stressed
about the dumbest shit.

What about that girl you liked?

Oh, I already screwed that up.
She's with some other dude now.

I think I need to just come back in.

Joe, let me ask you a question.

When you went to Ranger school,
did you ever consider quitting?

No, sir. I was ready to die out there.

Well, then you must not have had
any bad days at Ranger school.

Okay, look, I see where
you're going with this,

but this is different.

Why is it any different?

Because then I had a goal and a team
and we were working on a mission.

What's my mission now?

Helping some piece of shit
corporate asshole screw over some vets?

I have no mission.

Then find one.

But that starts
with embracing your new life.

You have to adapt to them,
not the other way around.

You're in their world now.

While you're at it,
join your local American Legion.

Be around other vets
that have already lived through this.

Learn what they know.

That's so easy for you to say.
What the hell is there here to embrace?

And what the hell do I have here
worth fighting for?

And maybe you like hanging around
a bunch of dudes telling war stories,

but that sounds like hell to me.
I'd rather go back to war.

[call disconnects]

[phone buzzes]

I'm just a bad leader.
I don't deserve a team.

If they can do better than me,
why am I making these decisions?

Well, well, well. [scoffs]

Karen-stita.

Where are you off to?

More failure? Bankruptcy court?

Hello, Lucius. It's good to see you too.

[chuckles] I doubt that it's good
to see me, Karen.

Looking at me must be like looking
at what your future could have been like

had you just made a few better decisions.

I'm doing just fine. Thanks.

I've got Shadowbrella
coming on as a client.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

I did not think you had it in you
to work with them.

I'm curious. What are you doing for them?
They're vicious.

They actually want us
to take out a competitor,

some meme page called
the Worst Responders?

Damn, Karen. Damn.

I am actually a little proud of you.

It's like I always say,
the best client is the one that pays.

Am I right?

Up top, girlfriend.

- Oh, no.
- [chuckles]

Okay.

[mouths] What?

You've got to be joking. Paul Hogan?

You chose Crocodile Dundee?

This is the most cowardly thing
that's ever come out of your mouth.

I bet your favorite Nirvana song
is "Smells Like Teen Spirit."

Get bent.

Yahoo Serious doesn't even belong
in the same conversation as Hogan.

He's an Australian icon.

- It's him, Steve Irwin...
- [door opens]

...and everybody else.

- What's up, guys?
- Not now, SEAL.

I'm explaining to my idiot friend
that Yahoo Serious,

writer, director,
amazing Australian actor,

was ahead of his time
when he made Young Einstein,

and I feel like he will not be
properly appreciated

in this entire generation.

Okay, uh, don't know who that is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You don't know who Yahoo Serious is?

What's wrong with you?

I don't watch a ton of mov...

[Vaughn] Hogan is superior in every way.

Except maybe hair.

But you gotta put some respect
on Yahoo's name.

[Joe] Okay. Got it. Got it.

What's done is done. Why are you here?

Was Carter in here?

Yeah, Carter's here once or twice a week.
Originally, we thought he was gonna join,

but after the 12th time, you know,
we realized it's not gonna happen.

Yeah. He strikes me as, like,
a day-two, basic-training dropout,

but he brings in amazing cookies,
so we entertain this whole thing.

- Excellent cookies.
- Oh, my God.

The perfect amount of nutmeg.

The nutmeg doesn't overwhelm.

[Spreter] Not at all.
It just accents everything.

- They're so good. Oh!
- [Vaughn] It stays with you.

[both] SEALs.

[upbeat music playing]

[inaudible dialogue]

I'd like to introduce you to the ladies,

Dame Helen Mirren and Dame Judi Dench

because, damn!

[exhales sharply]

What's up, kemosabe?

- I'm just going through it right now, man.
- We all are, buddy.

We all are.

Everybody, gather around.

I've got something to say.

Karen, what happened?

Do we need to call the police?

No, it's okay.

It's okay, thank you.

The ninth L of leadership is "listen."

And I haven't been doing
a good job of listening this week.

No.

You all said Silas was a bad man

and that working with them
was a terrible idea.

And yet I was so focused
on the fifth L of leadership,

as we all know is "lock in"...

- Lock in, yeah.
- Lock in. Of course. Of course.

- ...that I led us all to failure.
- [Carter] Oh, no...

- [Ashleigh] No, no, no, Karen.
- I did.

You're not a failure.
You just made a mistake.

We all make mistakes.

I was a mistake.

- You're right where you're supposed to be.
- Thank you.

So, what does that mean for Shadowbrella?

It means that they'll have to find
somebody else to do their dirty work.

- We're out of the Big Ambo game.
- [all cheering]

Thank you! Thank you so much!

- That makes things so much easier.
- I know.

Does that mean
we're in trouble financially again?

No more than usual, right?

But I have to say
that the 12th L of leadership,

which is "learn,"
shone like a star for me today.

I learned that
the most valuable thing to me...

[sniffling]

...is all of you. It is.

- [Ashleigh] Aw, Karen.
- I'll help get you cleaned up.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

We love you.

No hands. No touching. No.

[indistinct chatter]

So will I be getting my bonus
this paycheck or the next one?

Because I brought the business.

You guys just didn't close.

I did my job.

[cawing]

[all cawing]

You know what?

Maybe it's not so bad here.

- All right, what's the damage?
- You're looking at it.

Yes, I am. There's a lot to look at.

Looks like a backup dancer for Lizzo.

I mean, we got a bariatric stretcher,

but we're gonna need two.
I don't know what we're supposed to do.

We could always use the crane.

A crane.
Oh, big idea from the probie over here.

They teach that
in new-guy school these days?

- Mm-hm.
- Nice, nice.

Okay, so here, let's do this.
You take the bag,

and you tell me what to do. Go ahead.

What do you want to do here?

Shut the fuck up, all right?

When I want to hear what you wanna do,
I'm going to ask you what I wanna do,

and then say it twice because
I don't care what you want to do.

All right? Go read a textbook.
Go, go, go, go, go go.

I mean, these guys,
they pass one state exam,

and then all of a sudden,
it's just idea after idea.

I don't know where
they keep finding these guys.

A crane is a pretty good idea, though.

- [EMT speaking indistinctly]
- Shut up!

- They get dumber and dumber every year.
- I don't know where they find them, bro.

[officer grunts]

[door opens]

[door closes]

[suspenseful music plays]

I've been expecting you, Joseph.

[theme music playing]

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