Original subtitles

[Stewart] Relax, Marvin. After I'm done with these guys,

they're gonna be bankrupt and begging for loose change.

No, I don't care that they're blind, and neither should you.

[barista] Stevie?

It's Stewie.

You know, maybe you should pay attention.

I know the manager here. I'm not afraid to make a call, sweetheart.

No, not you, Marvin.

Sorry, I was dealing with some incompetent barista.

She's stuck here making coffee for a living

because she's too lazy to learn any real life skills.

I'm 16.

Did I ask for an excuse, jail bait?

Look, Marvin, anyways, this is what we're going to do.

We're gonna drown those "blindtrepreneurs" in a bunch of ads,

and we're gonna pay a bunch of influencers to push our product, okay?

And if that doesn't work, I'm gonna walk them off a cliff, right?

Because they're not gonna see it coming. [laughing]

No, obviously I was joking about that last part.

Sort of.

Hey!

Crouching tiger, hidden dickhead!

Are you gonna pay this dry-cleaning bill? Huh? Are you?

What is it, Shrek-san? Donkey got your tongue?

Oh, you wanna say something to me, big man?

You wanna taste the red dragon?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

I'll kung-pow you later, pal.

Sorry, Marvin.

I had to tell a giant to climb back up his beanstalk.

Look, I know an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

But in this case, that doesn't apply.

They're already blind.

[doorbell jingles]

[gong clangs]

[barista] Oh, my God.

Thank... Thank you.

[soft flute music playing]

[theme music playing]

What about you? Any crazy first-date stories?

[Rafael] I'm not proud of this one,

but I was three drinks deep at a bar, and they walked up to me.

[Joe] Okay, now we're talking. Let's keep going.

They were amazing.

I mean, fun, gorgeous, conversation was so engaging.

- I was tingling. - [Joe] Mm-hm.

They recommend we get a cab, and I say yes.

As we're waiting, they grab me and start making out with me.

- [Joe] Here we go, Raf. - Don't get too excited.

They had the worst halitosis ever.

The unexpected taste of their saliva triggered my gag reflex,

and I puked my guts out right there on the spot.

So you literally blew it?

No, sir.

They still came back to my place.

I just stayed away from mouth stuff.

I'm impressed and deeply disappointed.

So get this, this big guy just bowed up at me at this coffee shop.

Moron thinks he can step to me, but I showed him who the alpha dog was.

Alpha dog.

[barking]

Alpha dog.

Yeah, that's probably what happened.

Okay, Joe, your turn.

Anything that'll top Rafael's story?

Oh, I don't know.

What? I thought you were some tough Army guy or something.

Too scared to share your story?

Okay.

- Fine. - [sultry jazz music playing]

All right, so I meet this girl at a dive bar, right?

And she's an absolute dime.

Uh, she's, you know, not the type you wanna bring home to Dad,

which happens to exactly be my type.

So we're hammered by the time we get back to her house.

And I remember thinking to myself, "Damn, this is way too nice of a place for her."

You know, there's, like, bookshelves and leather couches.

It's like a Bond villain's pad, okay?

But then I see it.

A pool table.

Oh, yeah.

Next thing you know, I've got her on the pool table,

and I am doing my thing, completely focused on the task at hand,

when I hear a gasp.

I turn around.

It's her mom.

- Oh, my God. - [Joe] Yeah.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah. Yeah.

Well, but...

she kind of looks like she's into it, right?

So I actually go over, I actually grab her hand and bring her...

What the fuck?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You literally just told a story

about your threesome with the bad-breath girls.

A threesome? I didn't have a threesome.

Avery is non-binary.

They don't identify as any gender exclusively.

[clears throat]

Mr. Hauser, I'd like to see you in my office for a moment, please.

Mr. Hauser's my dad. You can call me Joe.

- And I should call you Vicky? - Ms. Stevens.

My office. Now.

All right.

Mr. Hauser.

I'm sure that everything is different in the military.

But here at Gasoline Dog, we do not discuss our carnal histories.

And we certainly do not do so in a manner

that is demeaning to women or involves incest.

I promise, if you would have let me finish my story,

you would clearly see that I was the one being demeaned.

Okay, let me stop you right there.

Karen has charged me with ensuring that our Gasoline Dog family is safe.

I take my charge very seriously.

That means I want you to treat everyone with dignity and respect.

Not like it's a barracks room. Do you understand?

Yes, ma'am.

Good.

Welcome to Gasoline Dog.

Get out.

[upbeat music playing]

[humming]

Kar-kar.

- [sighs] - Long time no see.

Which is so weird because you work in my building.

I'm doing fine. Thank you for asking, Lucius.

And this isn't your building. I own my office.

You're right. You're right.

My bad.

You... You do have that teeny tiny little office.

I just happen to own the rest of the entire building.

Anyhoo, this is my boy, Michael, from Kinetic Force Labs.

Hi, Michael. Nice to meet you.

The Kinetic Force Labs, the tech incubator?

Um, I think I just read an article on you in Forbes Magazine.

You, you're Michael McHammond...

[laughing] Yup!

Um, I was lucky enough to be in an article, yes,

- on the venture with Range Recon. - Yeah.

We're combining AI and VR together to create a dynamic virtual gun range.

Super excited. The applications are endless.

But thank you. Thank you for reading it.

- Appreciate it. - Of course. I mean, wow.

It's incredible.

You're incredible, and it's a real honor to meet you.

Honor is mine.

Karen, I was a small business owner too. I was lucky enough to have a great team.

We blew up, and we are where we are now.

So that's why I'm so committed to small business.

I love that.

You know, once upon a time, Karen here, she had a great team too.

She just didn't know how to appreciate them.

But that same team, through raw, unbridled genius...

a little bit of savoir faire, and a whole lot of moxie

was able to grow out of that tiny hole in the wall you call an office, Karen.

I'm sorry.

He's hangry.

Tiny?

Tiny. I'll have you know we have Albert Brenneman coming on as a client.

You don't have Brenneman.

If you had Brenneman, you'd be marketing his kid's bake sale.

Yeah, and you know what? We'd market the hell out of that bake sale.

She'd sell more brownies than anybody.

- You just try me. I'll market everything. - Karen! Karen!

I can see that you're really busy right now,

but we need you inside for a really important meeting right now.

So come on.

Uh, okay. Karen.

Pleasure meeting you. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

- Ashleigh-Mareigh. - [Michael] Ashleigh.

- Super nice to meet you. - [Ashleigh] You too.

- Come on, Karen. He's not worth it. - Skedoodles!

- Why do you gotta be like that? - That's how I am.

[Karen] Yeah. Lucius and I were business partners once.

I wanted to focus on marketing.

He wanted to focus on apps.

And not just any apps.

One specific app:

Shithead.

It's where you take a picture of someone

and you turn their head into the poop emoji.

Isn't that stupid?

Who would even want that?

I'll tell you who.

Everyone.

[Lucius] I'm rich, bitch!

- [upbeat music playing] - [cackling]

How can you possibly call Bo Jackson underrated?

The dude has a Nike campaign and a 30 for 30, for fuck's sake.

- Still underrated. - [Joe] That's ridiculous.

Yeah, he's leaving because he knows he's wrong.

No, no. Underrated would be Brandon Jacobs, New York Giants.

Not only did he rack up yards,

but he bulldozed defenders like they were tiny children.

Why would you bulldoze tiny children?

Sure, Jacobs was solid, but let's talk about Matt Forte of the Chicago Bears.

Fourteen thousand yards from scrimmage, and he was a triple threat.

Run, catch, block.

As fun as it is watching you two laymen go back and forth,

I put out into consideration Kevin Faulk of the New England Patriots.

Faulk?

All right, Faulk was all right, but I mean, he's no Forte or Jacobs.

Agreed. Total role player.

Yeah, he was a role player, and his role was pissing excellence.

Casuals like to call him a third-down back,

but he could catch, run and block,

and always came in clutch in crucial situations.

The Patriots changed their game plan every year,

and you know who always came up big? Faulk.

The Pats probably don't beat the Panthers in Super Bowl XXXVIII without him.

Okay, all right.

I don't 100% agree with you, but I'll give you this:

For a girl, you know sports. That was impressive.

Yeah, my partner's really into sports, so I guess it rubbed off on me.

[scoffs]

[chuckles] What the fuck was that about?

And that's why Sarah Verardo

is this week's North Carolina Woman of the Week.

You go, girl.

Someday, I'm going to be Woman of the Week.

Oh, my God, Albert Brenneman is here. Whoo!

Let's go!

Okay. Karen, let's go.

Okay, so it's a pleasure to meet you.

It's so nice to meet you. I'm so excited.

[door opens]

What's going on, guys?

Haven't you heard? Albert Brenneman is coming in today.

He might be hiring us.

It could transform the company.

Am I the only one here that cares about this company?

How did you not know?

I spent ten hours in a dark room editing footage

with nothing but a headset on.

You guys have locked me in that office five times in the past month.

That's why I keep a sleeping bag here.

So sorry.

But, you know, we get it. Life's hard.

Time for Stew-meister to win us some biz-biz.

Hey, it's basically some bigwig banker type.

He and his twin brother own an investment firm,

crowd-fund, called Main Street Bond.

[indistinct chatter]

All right, Gasoline Dog family,

it's my pleasure to introduce Albert Brenneman.

[gong clangs]

It is an absolute pleasure to meet you, Mr. Brenneman.

Mr. Brenneman is pleased to meet you.

And we are pleased to meet Mr. Brenneman.

And you are...?

My name is of no consequence.

I am but a harbinger of Mr. Brenneman's wisdom.

However, if you must, you may call me...

Cedric.

[Joe] Nice to meet you, Cedric.

Though it is not nice to meet you.

Were it up to me, I would wipe your tiny firm away

as one wipes ruin from their eyes as one stirs in their bed in the morn.

However, it is not up to me.

Mr. Brenneman would like to learn more about, uh, Gasoline Dog.

[Karen] Wonderful.

Uh, Mr. Brenneman, if you'd like to follow me to the office...

What was that?

That was uncomfortable.

Only from a modern Western perspective.

In ancient Egypt, the pharaohs had viziers.

In feudal Japan, the shogun had samurai.

And the Italians?

Consiglieres.

So the Cedric-Brenneman relationship is the norm, not the exception.

[Rafael] Come on, man.

History and I...

have a long lens.

Uh, Joe, I need to see you in my office right now.

[Jocelyn] I wonder what that was all about.

I'll tell you what it's about. I turned him in for misogyny.

[Jocelyn] When was he a misogynist?

When he said that you know sports well for a girl.

- Dude. - Dude.

Dude.

You've all been poisoned by the patriarchy.

- [techno music playing over phone] - I don't get it. Why are they dancing?

It's called do-working. It's the latest trend.

I'm surprised you haven't heard of it.

It's where you twerk while you work, you know?

Do-working?

Okay.

So you'll do do-working for me later at the company social?

Nah, I don't think so.

I danced once while I was in seventh grade,

and it did not go well.

- Mm. - But thank you for talking to me.

- Of course. - I'll help you, Ashleigh.

I'd love to get behind you and film. [meows]

And I'd love for you to never, ever talk to me again.

But sometimes we can't get what we want, so...

[sighs]

[dramatic music plays]

[shouts] God, it's hot!

[Ashleigh] What the hell, Stewie?

[Stewart] I'm just trying to not make it awkward for him.

You know, he knows he got served this morning.

And he knows that he deserved it.

But rubbing it in his face is beta energy.

I'm gonna be the bigger man.

I'm gonna let him know

that there's plenty of room in my pride for him.

- So long as he plays by my rules. - [dramatic music playing]

Don't look at me like that. Actions have consequences.

- They sure fucking do. - Ashleigh-Mareigh wants to see you

- in her office for a marketing video. - But this motherf...

And it's urgent.

Did you see that? He was gonna attack me.

Maybe you should turn him in for almost assault.

Maybe you should turn yourself in for being a biggity bitch.

[Rafael] What?

Did you turn in that budgeting pitch?

Yes, Monday.

[all laughing]

Screw you guys.

- Oh, biggity bitch. - [Carter laughing] Oh, man.

[techno music playing over phone]

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

[Ashleigh] That's okay.

Uh, I hear that's how they say hi in Switzerland.

Really? Mm.

Yeah, you should go there sometime.

You know, it's on my list. Uh, Kevin said you needed something.

Yes. Can you twerk while drawing?

Can Old Yeller get shot by his 12-year-old owner

after fighting off a pack of rabid wolves?

Yes?

Move over, girl.

I'm about to raise the roof on this house, sir.

- [techno music playing over phone] - [both] Let's go!

- Hey! Hey! - Let's go! Let's go!

- [Joe] You gotta look back at it. Gotta... - [laughs]

And then just a little... Hey. Oh, yeah.

Ooh. Ah. Yeah. Uh-huh.

[footsteps approaching]

In my entire career as an HR representative,

I have never had to reprimand someone twice in one day.

- You, Mr. Hauser, have that distinction. - [sighs]

But this? This is historic.

Strike three.

- I can explain this. - [Victoria] Explain what?

Your illicit stories, your misogyny.

Sexual assault.

What?

I am having a very difficult time

coming up with a good reason to keep you here.

You obviously don't respect the office environment.

When you come in tomorrow, it better be a good day.

Or it will be your last.

Roger.

[Victoria] This is not the Army.

We have rules.

Mr. Hauser may think he can have a girl in every port,

but we don't abide by that kind of behavior.

This is a woman-owned business built on dignity and respect.

[scoffs] Did she really say "port"?

That's the Navy.

People really don't understand the different branches.

Anyway, I honestly don't know what I did wrong.

I mean, I get the story this morning was a bad idea, but fired?

Seriously?

Also, I know this is a weird thing to bring up,

especially because I can't place it, but Victoria looks super familiar.

No one touches my kittens but me.

[dramatic music playing]

Our plan isn't to hype up the idea of Main Street Bond as a platform,

but to show how many people you've helped by letting them tell their own stories.

The proof, so to speak, is in the pudding.

And that pudding is a thriving, American small-business community.

While I feel like this pitch

is more like the kind of plan a quirky female marketing protagonist

in your favorite holiday romcom would devise

to save her small-town boy toy's farm...

Mr. Brenneman likes what he sees.

He feels that you artfully meld Bauhaus minimalism

with the unbridled emotion of abstract expressionism

to create a modern design aesthetic

that is both mentally engaging and visually captivating.

Uh, he said all of that just now?

- [Cedric] He did. - Cool.

However, there is one small matter to attend to with Stewart.

It appears that your man Stewart and Mr. Brenneman

had a prior engagement that they were unable to complete.

Mr. Brenneman simply asks that Stewart come by later

so that they may complete it.

At such time, we will sign this agreement and commence the engagement.

Oh, well, that seems easy enough. Stewie?

Uh, we really don't have to.

[Cedric] No, I'm afraid Mr. Brenneman insists.

Then it's settled. He won't be disappointed.

[dramatic music playing]

[line ringing]

- [beeps] - Hey, sir.

Joe, how are you doing, man? How's the new job?

I... I think I'm gonna get fired, sir.

Fired? Why?

Honestly, I don't know.

It just seems like everything I do here keeps pissing someone off.

I feel like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde.

I think I came to Harvard for the wrong reasons.

I'm not sure if this place is for me.

Maybe I should just be a contractor for a few years or something.

I don't know.

Joe, you're forgetting one major thing.

Yeah, what's that?

Elle Woods did go to Harvard for the wrong reasons.

But once she got there, through hard work, perseverance, and grit,

she found out what she was really capable of.

I mean, I guess.

I guess nothing.

Elle knew that no self-respecting Delta Nu

would get into a shower so quickly after getting a perm.

And hence, she knew her friend was innocent.

You have a surprising amount of knowledge about that film, sir.

The point is that you didn't succeed in the Army by being like other people.

You did so well there because you were you.

You embraced what you were good at and you doubled down on it.

That is what made you an exceptional soldier.

But that didn't happen overnight.

You had to find your way.

- I guess you're right. - I know I'm right.

So then what do I do now, sir? I'm real close to getting the boot.

Think about what made you great in the Army.

Why did everybody respect you?

What's the one thing that you do better than anyone else?

Do that.

If you do, it'll all work out.

Thanks, sir. I know exactly what I need to do.

Good to hear, son.

Get after it.

- And Joe? - Yes, sir?

If all else fails...

bend and snap.

[call disconnects]

Joe is as good as they come.

Now, it takes him a while sometimes,

but I have every confidence

that he's going to arrive at the right answer.

[sultry jazz music playing]

Wow.

[sighs] Oh, man.

All right, let's get into it.

Performance?

Good.

Constitution?

Excellent.

Equipment?

Adequate.

Looks like you still got a job,

but I expect there to be some improvement next time we meet.

Well, you know, I actually think I could improve right now.

Oh.

Can you?

I might be able to.

[cell phone buzzing]

Well...

shit.

- [pensive music playing] - [cell phone ringing]

Hello?

Who is this?

Oh, Michael?

Michael who?

Oh, yeah, the guy I met this morning.

You were with Lucius?

Right. How did you get my number?

That's crazy.

Yeah, just hanging out.

Your appointment is here, sir.

Look, I think maybe we just got off on the wrong foot.

So why don't we just let bygones be bygones?

Stewart, a long time ago, in a long time past,

the samurai tread the soils of feudal Japan.

They dedicated their lives to Bushido, the way of the warrior.

With every word, with every turn of phrase,

and certainly with every action, it was underpinned by honor.

To insult a samurai was more than an insult,

it was to challenge his being.

It was to spit on his bloodline.

If he did not cleanse it...

his ancestors and his future generations would be sullied.

No, no, no. This has gotten way out of hand.

Silence!

If I had it my way,

we would meet on an island as the sun touched the horizon

with swords in hand...

and only the last man living would be allowed to leave.

Like the great battle between Musashi and Kojiro.

But alas, this modern world will not allow it.

- Oh, thank God. - So instead...

wrestle!

[yelling] Oh, no! No! No, God!

[squealing]

- I'm afraid this meeting's not quite over. - [glass shatters]

- [Stewart] No! - [cat meows]

I let him win.

[theme music playing]

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