Original subtitles

[military marching music playing]

[music stops]

[inhales deeply] Ah!

[music resumes]

Glorious day to be alive, sergeant.

My name's Staff Sergeant Hauser, and I'm here to pick up my DD-214

and become a civilian.

Okay, staff sergeant. I'll just need a copy of your orders.

- I only have this one. - [phones ringing]

I can't give you your DD-214 without a copy of your orders.

Can I use your copier?

That copier is only for civilian use.

Well, the second you give me that DD-214, I am a civilian.

Correct.

- So then I could use it. - Agreed.

So can I just use it now?

I'm afraid until you have your DD-214, you're still a member of the Armed Forces

and thus cannot use that copier.

[laughs] Okay.

I just want to be super-clear here.

You're not giving me my DD-214,

allowing me to become a civilian

because I don't have an extra copy of my orders.

But you're not gonna let me make an extra copy of my orders

because I'm not a civilian.

[yelling] And the fact that I've deployed four times and left blood, sweat, tears,

and literal chunks of my own flesh

in the sand of Iraq and the rocks of Afghanistan,

will not in any way sway you

just this once

to break this nonsensical rule

so I can leave the army with a tiny ounce of positivity

after getting fucked by the Green Weenie for over a decade!

Is that what you're telling me?

- [military marching music playing] - [copier whirring]

Copy of my orders. Happy now?

So I'm a civilian?

Yes.

[keypad beeping]

[lively music playing]

[screaming]

[grunting]

Ah! Get off of me!

Ah!

[theme music playing]

- [rhythmic drumbeat playing] - [Joe] In the military,

they say that 10 minutes early is on time,

and on time is late.

I'm here two hours early. Excessive? Ehh, maybe.

But the team at Gasoline Dog Media hired me right out of the military,

and I want to prove I am worth the risk.

Uh, also, I don't have a place to live yet.

So after a quick truck-stop shower, I really don't have anywhere else to be.

But this is gonna be good.

I really think I'm gonna crush this first impression.

I hope.

[music continues]

[sighs]

[exhales sharply]

[lock rattling]

[line ringing]

Hey, sir. I'm here.

Made it with two hours to spare.

[groans] That's great, Joe.

You realize it's 0400 here, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Um...

I'm just a little nervous.

What if I screw things up on my first day?

Joe. [groans]

While the military and civilian worlds are different,

leadership and being a good teammate are universal maxims.

Just get in there and help everyone every way you can and you'll be okay.

I'm sure of it.

Roger, sir. That's great advice.

You'll do great.

I'm going back to bed, Joe.

[Joe] Colonel McAllister spent 24 years active duty

and now he runs a big Legion post in California.

So I don't know if he knows fuck-all about being a civilian,

but officers need to give advice

or they don't feel like they're doing their job.

Called him for his own sake, really.

Still, it was, uh...

It's good to hear his voice.

Hey!

- Throat punch! - [gagging]

- Shin! - Ah!

[both screaming]

[Joe groans]

[both screaming]

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- No! He's on our team! - What?

Oh, my God.

Ash, meet Joe Hauser.

He starts today.

Nice to meet you, Ashleigh.

- Oh, my gosh. I am so, so, so, so sorry. - [groaning]

Let me help you.

Don't sweat it.

It's actually not the first time this has happened.

It's not the first time a woman's attacked you, maced you

and tried to bash your brains in?

Second time this month, actually.

- Nice to meet you. - Likewise. [exhales sharply]

[upbeat music playing]

[inaudible dialogue]

Good morning, guys!

Now, remember, today is the final presentation

of the Salvation Coffee logo.

- And that is at 4 p.m. - [exhales sharply]

And remember, the designer that gets selected

gets that $1,000 bonus. Whoo!

[chuckles] So exciting.

Okay, we're all here now.

So I hope you had a good long weekend.

I had a great weekend at the 12 L's of Leadership conference.

And the keynote speaker was none other than Barbara Shreveport.

And I got this amazing photo.

Yeah, she's amazing. I just love her.

I learned a ton.

And as we all know,

"learning" is the 12th L!

Great! Anyway, um,

it's my absolute pleasure to introduce you all

to the newest member of the Gas Dog family, Joe Hauser!

Round of applause...

- [Joe] Hey, everyone. - [man] Hi.

I really appreciate the warm welcome. I'm Joe.

Uh, I have to admit, it does feel a little weird to be here.

I just transitioned...

- [Victoria] Karen! - [Karen] What?

[Victoria] Karen, your Toastmaster Tuesday meeting just started.

Oh, my God. It's Tuesday, not Monday.

- Lock in, Karen, the fifth L. - Just go. Go.

Lock in!

[Rafael] You wanna talk about bravery? I'll tell you about bravery.

Walking in on day one and telling everyone it doesn't matter how you were born,

you're gonna live your true self.

That's bravery.

[sniffling] Joe is a hero.

[Carter] I don't know what's wrong with this country, but it ain't right.

God made you a girl, you need to be a girl.

You don't need to sew on a cock and call yourself a boy.

Still, though.

That's a huge bitch.

I don't care.

[man] What do you care about?

[sighs] I've had this same hemorrhoid since 1996.

Not big enough for surgery, not small enough for cream,

just a constant nuisance.

I drink more water, I take baths,

I bought one of those squat things for the toilet, never goes away.

Every morning I wake up and I never know what I'm gonna get.

My doctor always says, "Well, we'll have to wait and see."

Wait for what, doc?

I'll tell you what: the sweet release of death.

Are we done here?

Ah! [groans]

I'm so sick of this freaking desk.

Help everyone out. Help everyone out.

Hey, do you need some help with that?

Uh, sure.

Uh, yeah.

Here, we'll just do this.

- [desk rattling] - [grunting]

- All right. I think that should do it. - [chuckles]

- Thanks, Joe. - Yeah, no problem.

[Ashleigh] Whatever doctor did that surgery...

[kisses]

...you did fine, fine work.

It's an honor to know you.

Thank you for all you have done.

Yeah, man. I mean, I really appreciate that.

But don't make too big of a deal out of it.

I'm just a man like anyone else.

You know, now that I'm out, I just hope I can be

an example for other young people to follow.

I do know.

I'm glad you're out. We all are.

You're an inspiration.

What else is there to say?

[sobbing] If that isn't a man, I don't know what is.

It's always weird when people do that shit.

I mean, definitely better than Vietnam-veteran style

where they called you a baby killer, so I'm not complaining.

But if I were to make a pie graph of my time in the military,

it'd be 50% waiting for something to happen,

20% cleaning weapons,

10% waiting in the motor pool,

10% chasing some officer around who is good at running

who wants to show you he's good at running,

9% alcoholism

and 1% the cool shit you see in the commercials.

It's basically a lot of waiting, running and drinking,

and every once in a while, you get to shoot someone.

I loved it.

You don't have to thank me.

That's not fair, actually.

There was a lot more alcoholism.

I'm winning the $1,000.

Not a chance.

My design is clean, powerful and American.

It's like a bald eagle rushing into battle,

except it knows enough to wear a tux,

because the Salvation Coffee Party, my friends, is fancy.

Even on your best day, you cannot out-design me.

I'm going to win and take my partner to the Lilith Fair.

VIP tickets.

But if I slip on the spilled coffee and die before then,

what are you gonna do with the money?

Not again.

Well, when I win,

I'm gonna put a down payment on the SEAL Operator Delta 6000 Camp.

Isn't that the camp where they scream at you

and teach you how to become a high-valuable alpha male

in the parking lot of a Denny's?

No, they don't scream at you in a parking lot.

It's an old scouting camp.

Oof.

Well, I guess I should spend my money on women, whaling

or whatever woke bullshit you're into this week, Raf.

I'll have you know, Joe inspired me to finally finish my comic

about the first non-binary trans superhero, Bat-Them.

Huh?

[Carter] That's the worst thing I've ever seen,

and I met the guy that tried to make the Mein Kampf animated kid show.

Bat-Them is a superhero by night

and a transmission repair shop owner by day.

And when the sun goes down,

they switch gears and fight against hate crime.

I can't handle this.

- What, you can't handle inclusion? - What?

No, I just stopped listening to you the moment you started talking.

I don't expect much from this job.

I just need a desk, something to draw with, and coffee.

- I need coffee. - Do you need some help with that?

Yeah, actually.

- Do you know how to fix these things? - Yeah, I think so.

All right.

- That should do it. - Wow.

You're the man, Joe.

I owe you one.

Not a problem.

[Carter] I could have fixed it.

But it isn't my job to fix it.

It's nice having a handyman around.

I really never thought Karen would spring for it.

So after I got hurt, I got stuck in the three shop.

That's the place in the military where all the PowerPoint happens.

Imagine a bunch of angry staff officers who hate their lives

and are desperately hoping to become colonels someday.

Because they're filled with more rage than Anakin Skywalker

in a room full of children,

rather than teach themselves anything,

when any minor inconvenience happens, they take it out on whoever they can.

I was the lowest-ranking guy in the office.

We had the same coffee maker.

FYI, you just have to rinse out the filter holder.

Is that yours?

- Uh, no... - I didn't think so.

[opens can]

If we were gorillas,

I would've beaten him about the head, neck and shoulders,

and mated with his females.

If we were kangaroos,

I would've struck him in the gut with my powerful hindquarters

until he fled.

If we were chimps, I would have torn off his jaw and testicles.

[mouthing words]

Alas, we are office workers.

But his drink is mine.

- [keyboard clacking] - [computer beeping]

No, no, no, not again.

You all right, dude?

No, man. The Internet just went out.

I've been rendering this video for two hours and 17 minutes, okay?

There's three minutes and 38 seconds left on this render.

I came in at 6 a.m. this morning just to make sure I got this done.

I don't get to come in and drink coffee and sketch pictures

like those prima Donnas on the design team over there.

I have to be on alert day in, day out.

I can't be here until midnight again, man. I just can't.

Roger.

No, I'm Chaz.

No, like, roger. I mean, I got it. Where's the router?

In the supply room in the back.

I got you.

[sighs]

So where's the handyman?

Be nice, Stewie.

Yeah, Joe's a lifesaver. Fixed the coffee machine.

[Ashleigh] And my desk.

And he just got the Internet back up.

Okay, everybody relax.

I actually got him a gift.

I'm really proud of you, Stewie.

I really was worried that you were gonna try to haze Joe because he's trans

or because he's new or because you're you.

What kind of monster do you take me for, Ashleigh-Mareigh?

I'll have you know,

Stewart Endicott McCracken III treats everybody the same,

with the dignity and respect equal to their station.

Hey, Josephine!

Code brown in the men's restroom.

Yeah, I had Indian food for lunch.

Washed it down with some ice cream and two cappuccinos.

Might have been a little much for the plumbing.

- You mind taking care of that for me? - No worries.

- Stewie, was it? Yeah. I'll handle it. - Stewart. Stewart.

Go ahead. That's a good dog.

Stewart.

He looks like shit anyways.

When Joe first walked in, I knew I had to destroy him.

His looks, his charisma, his intellect...

they almost rival my own.

But this pride is mine.

These are my hunting grounds.

These lionesses, they serve me.

The other males are weak.

Kevin's the only other meat eater in the Gas Dog pride,

but his teeth, they're dull.

And his gait, it's slowing.

But Joe, he's different.

Was different.

Now that we've learned that this lion was once a lioness,

he's a new kind of threat.

A diversity threat.

A hyena.

When I was a private,

my team leader told me to tighten the night vision on my helmet.

So I blow him off, go to the latrine to take a piss.

I leaned forward and my helmet falls off.

I caught the helmet, but the night vision came undone and fell into the latrine.

He made me go in and get it.

I was waist deep in urine, human excrement, and God knows what,

feeling around for my night vision with my hands.

I threw up four times.

So no, this doesn't bother me.

Kind of feels like home.

[knocking on door]

Sorry I'm late,

but I've been busier than a one-legged man

in an ass-kicking contest.

The cable was out through the whole building, and everyone's pitching a fit.

Well, our handyman Joe already fixed it.

Hell, I'm the only handyman in this whole building.

[Ashleigh] What is going on?

- He says he's the handyman. - Darn tootin'!

[Karen] Oh, hi, Bocephus.

Uh, I mean, it looks like we've already fixed it.

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

Ooh. Ah.

[Karen] Spicy. Whoo!

Ah! Oh, my goodness.

Wait, so if Bocephus is the handyman...

Design team, we have that meeting now, so get Carter, Jocelyn, Rafael.

Let's go!

Um, you too, Joe. Come along.

Design team, I would love to introduce you to Jim Young,

the CEO of Salvation Coffee.

Jim, I'd like to introduce you to our design team.

We've got Carter, Jocelyn, Rafael.

Enough of the pleasantries, Karen. Let's get down to business.

Great, great, great. Carter.

[clears throat]

Mother of God, Carter.

[Carter] So, what I was trying to do here was show our Lord Jesus Christ

- front and center... - [Jim] Quiet.

- Cover it. - I was just trying to tell you about the...

[Jim] I said, "Silence."

Cover it.

Karen, I don't know what kind of shop you're running here,

and while I believe the good Lord has blessed these hands

to roast a great coffee bean,

this is nothing short of blasphemy.

I mean, he did use some artistic license, but is it really that bad, Jim?

If it was 350 years ago, we'd be burning his ass at the stake.

Okay, on to the next one. We've got Jocelyn.

Holy hell.

It's very playful, isn't it?

Oh, it's a great design.

If I ran an off-brand theme park or a coffee shop for Jeffrey Epstein.

So you like it, then!

No, Karen. I don't like it.

Let's see what Rainbow Bright has for us.

[Rafael clears throat]

Huh?

Karen, I'm gonna need you to explain to me

how this human centipede of sodomy makes people want to drink my coffee

or taste my delectable snack cakes.

Jim, so the eighth L of leadership is "to liberate."

And I wanted our team just to run free with their ideas on this one.

So let's take what you like and what you don't like.

And for the second round,

we'll get something that you really, really love.

- I promise. - Second round?

You think I'm gonna give these three another shot to waste my time?

I gave you a shot at my vision, and what did you show me?

The Passion of the Coffee,

Mater from Cars

if you threw him through a wood chipper

and a 4-year-old glued him back together,

and a reminder of the grossest movie I've ever seen, but gay.

Why would I come back?

If I may, this isn't perfect,

but it's clean.

It's masculine.

Gets the point across, but most importantly,

it's got an Indian chief on it.

But the term is "Native American."

- Can you make the headdress bigger? - Of course we can, Jim.

We can make it as big as you want.

Karen, nice job slow-playing me with these three clowns

before showing me the real work.

It's what we do.

You're hired.

[upbeat music playing]

[Carter] Just remember, there's no salvation

without our Lord Jesus Christ.

But by all means, pick Joe's stupid design.

I hate him.

I hate him.

Joe just keeps getting more impressive.

He's brave.

He's talented.

What a blessing to have him on our team.

And just... By the way,

"blessing" is meant in a non-denominational or spiritual manner.

In no way am I trying to impose on your worldview, religious beliefs,

or lack thereof.

Hey, great meeting you, Jim.

- [Jim] You too, buddy. - Yeah, man.

Nice job, brown-noser.

- Way to make us look bad. - Well, enough is enough.

Joe just saved us a client.

You know how bad the company's been doing.

We should thank him.

We all worked hard, but we didn't get it done.

Now, the easiest thing Joe could have done is nothing,

yet he stepped up to the plate and he...

- hit a touchdown. - [Carter] "Home run."

- What? - It would be a home run.

[stammering]

The same bravery Joe showed this morning by telling us he was transgender

is on display right now.

[scoffs] Transgender?

Why...? I'm not transgender. Why do you think that?

What? This morning you said that you were transitioning into the...

From the Army.

Transitioning from the Army.

I was a soldier, dude.

[upbeat music playing]

That makes a lot of sense.

I hate him!

- [Ashleigh] Hey. - Hey.

So I guess I should be both

apologizing to you and thanking you for your service.

Oh, that really won't be necessary.

[both] Oh.

Well, for my service, at least.

You probably do owe me an apology dinner for that assault this morning.

- [both chuckling] - Yeah. Sorry...

- Yeah. So have you ever killed anyone? - [Joe] Yeah.

- Have you ever jumped out of a plane? - Yeah.

While throwing a grenade?

Not at the same time I jumped out of a plane, no.

- But you have thrown a grenade? - Yeah.

I went to school with a guy named Steve who joined the Army. Do you know him?

No.

Bye, Joe.

What's more powerful, an Apache helicopter or an A-10?

In this pride, there's only room for one alpha lion.

[growls]

This might be the best day I've had in a long time.

I love our troops.

I almost joined the military, but I know me.

If a drill sergeant got up in my face, I'd see red and punch him, you know?

The James clan, we're more free spirits.

My father almost served in Vietnam,

but he had something in Canada he had to do that kept him away.

And my grandfather almost served in World War II,

but he broke both his hands and feet

in an unlucky hammer accident.

I'm actually eighth generation almost served.

My great-great-great-great- great-grandfather

almost served with Washington.

Needless to say, our patriotism runs deep.

[Joe] Hey, Raf?

Yes, Joe?

That was actually really cool this morning,

the way you looked out for me when you thought I was trans.

Most people would have just sat around and talked shit, so that's real character.

I guess what I'm saying is, if I was trans,

you would have made me feel really wanted here.

Yeah, well, good night.

Good night, man.

[upbeat music playing]

So I got beat up by a girl, unclogged a toilet,

was confused for a trans man, fixed a desk,

dealt with a boss that seems oblivious to the way things actually work,

and I met a bunch of new co-workers who are all a little insane

and would never hang out with each other

under any other circumstances than this job.

Kind of want to bone one of them, even though I know that's a bad idea.

And I saved my boss's butt at the last second.

If I'm being honest,

kind of feels like the Army.

The only thing missing is to blow my first paycheck at the strip club.

Hmm.

[theme music playing]

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