All language subtitles for Taskmaster (NZ) - s05e09 - An Absolute Pedant

Hello.

Hey.

Two.

Come on!

That's for the haters.

Clink, clink.

- Chicken Little.
- Cheep.

He he he he!

Nau mai, haere mai,
and welcome to Taskmaster.

My name's Jeremy Wells,
and I was installed in this job

after the previous democratically
elected host was overthrown in a
bloody coup masterminded bythe CIA.

It's unfortunate things got to that
point, but I think we can all agree
it was for the best,

because now I am the Taskmaster.

We are gathered here tonight to see
five as yet uncancelled New Zealand
comedians

battle it out to win this ―
the Taskmaster trophy.

The five comedians jostling for
the win tonight are Abby Howells...

...Ben Hurley...

...Hayley Sproull...

...and Tom Sainsbury.

Our fifth contestant, Tofiga
Fepulea'i, as you may know, is unable
to join us in the studio this season,

but we have been keeping his seat
warm with the bottoms of beloved
Taskmaster alumni.

And joining us for eps nine and 10,
the one and only Chris Parker.

And, as always, here to do all the
dirty work so I can keep my hands
clean,

like a deadpan dog poo bag,
it's Paul Williams.

Tell us about the prize task,
would you, Paul.

Today, we've asked our
contestants to bring in the thing
that reminds them of themselves.

OK, Chris, let's start with you.
What did you bring in that reminds
you of yourself?

Well, I'm not here as myself,
Jeremy; I'm actually on behalf
of Tofiga,

and so the best thing that reminded
me of Tofiga is his entire line of
merchandise.

Wow.

And I've just done him a sort of
EziBuy catalogue photoshoot there.

So, the tote bag,
the T-shirt, the hat.

Wow.
- And there's a hoodie as well.
There we go.

Your head looks a bit like an
eel when it comes out of a cave.

I know what you mean.

Honestly, I didn't think a hoodie
could be unflattering, but somehow
it is.

- Tom...
- Yes.

...what did you bring in
that reminds you of you?

Well, let's just look at it.

You know, I think I'm
just good at a party.

I tend to go red.

- Aren't you vegan?
- I― Yeah, I am.

OK, Abby, what did you bring in
that reminds you of you?

I brought in a haunted doll.

- Yep.
- Whoa.

Her name is Daphne, and the thing
about Daphne is she is haunted.

I went over Daphne with my beloved
Ecto Ray, and she is full of spirit.

And that thing is 100%
accurate all the time.
- Wow.

So I think at the worst,
Daphne is a bit disconcerting,

but at the best, she could
be a wonderful companion.

- No further questions, your Honour.
- Yeah.

- I'm shocked her name's Daphne,
cos I like your outfit... - Yeah.

- ...and it reminds me of Daphne
from Scooby-Doo. - Yeah!

- Thank you so much.
- Yes, that was absolutely on purpose.

It's like watching preschoolers
talk at the sandpit, those two.

- Ben. - Well, I thought I might
go a little bit more wholesome,

cos when I think of the thing
that reminds me most of me,
it's my children.

Yeah. But I can't
give away my children.

Well, you can. It's
just... a long, legal process.

Yeah, OK, let's do that.

I've got two beautiful daughters.

A lot of people say they look
like me, but I don't really see
the resemblance.

So, you said obviously you
couldn't give your― your kids away.-.

You do realise how the show works.

- Yeah, Hayley convinced me.
We're gonna do it.
- OK.

- I don't want them.
- Better throw the ing ep, then.

- I will raise your children, Ben.
- God.

- Hayley, what did you bring in?
- Hello, Jeremy.

So, there's a very
popular board game,

and on the front of the original
box, I'm pretty sure it's me.

So if we...

This is Settlers of 'Cattin',
and if you look in...
'Cattin'.

...if you look up close,
that's me.

- Wow.
- Also, Hayley, a lot of nerds watch
this show. It's Settlers of Catan.

- Catan?
- Catan, yeah.
- Yeah.

- 'Cattin'.
- C-A-T-A-N. It's 'Cattin'.

- No, Catan.
- It's Catan.

- I just love the smirk.
Why is she smirking so?
- Cos she's like, 'Look over there.'

- Is the other settler of Catan
checking out your breasts...
- 'Cattin'.

- ...or am I imagining it?
- 'Cattin'. It would have
two T's if it was 'Cattin'.

- It's 'Cattin'.
- Don't be silly. Um...

I do think that, yeah, the little
friend is having a geez at my rack,
and good for him, you know?

OK. Tom, I'm gonna give you one
point, because I see what you mean
with the cheerio,

but, to me, you're more like
an old English devilled sausage.

Fair call.

Two points for Ben.

I'll go three points for Hayley.

And four points for
the merch for Tofiga.

And five points, cos that
doll's freakily like you.

All right, everyone's warmed up.
Shall we get on with a task?
- Of course.

Here's the hole task.

- There you are.
- There you are.

Here I am.

- Hello, Paul.
- Hello, Abby.

You're so cordial.

- What's happening, brother?
- Just another task.

- Another one?
- Yeah.

- There's two here.
- Yeah.

- This one's got a hole in it.
- Yeah, I got a hole in one.-.

I got a hole in one.

- So that's just
there for that joke?
- Yeah.

OK. It was worth it.

I sort of like
the challenge of this one.

No. OK. That was a dumb idea.

OK.

'Get a hole in one
from the furthest distance.'

'The ball can be any ball.'

'The hole can be any hole.'

'Furthest distance wins.'

'You have 20 minutes
or until you get a hole in one.'

'Your time starts now.'

- What would you do
in this situation?
- Get a hole in one from...

- ...a far distance?
- Yeah.

- This seems pretty simple.
- Extremely simple. Get a hole in
one from as far away as possible.

All right. Shall we get into it?

It's a par three.
It's Hayley, Tofiga and Tom.

Furthest hole.

- Try and see if I can
get it in that bath.
- OK.

- Any hole is a goal ―
is that the phrase?
- I'm not sure.

- I feel like technically
that's a hole.
- I mean, that's up for debate.

We've got a whole
bunch of balls here.

I'm gonna make a hole
using this tent.

So, what I'm thinking...

is that I will tape one
of these on to the Frisbee.

There we go. There's the ball.

That's good. You stand there.

You'll mo― Move if it's
gonna hit you in the face.
- OK.

- Ready, Paul?
- Yeah.

Esa.

Paul, sorry.

OK, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm not very athletic,
so excuse me, New Zealand.

I think the ball might
be causing wind lag.

I'll just see if I can
just do this without.

My God. I'm giving up!

I was hoping it
would bounce off you in.-.

- I'm gonna use the clubs.
Hopefully my dad's not watching.
- He will be. He loves this show.

Good catch.

Crouch down and put it on
the ground. Like, I could bowl it.

Dammit. That was so close.

That was good. That's the technique.

Esa.

The hole.

Ey!
- Stay where you are.
Stay where you are.

Esa.

Yee-hee!

Stay where you are.

17.92m.

70? Yee-hee!

17. Teen.

Yep, 70.

17.92m.

92?

Tom, I have never
heard that phrase, 'any hole's
a goal'. What does that mean?

I just think when you play a lot
of sport like I do, you're like...

You know, there's two goals on
the end, you know, if you get
it in, it's a success.

I thi― I believe. I don't know.
- Doesn't matter what team you're
playing for.

Yeah.

Yeah, and sometimes you
have to get an own goal.

And sometimes you've
never played sport before.

Hayley, I thought it was quite
interesting that you had to tell Paul

that if the ball was gonna hit him
In the face that he was gonna have
to move.

- He's a simple man.
You know what I mean? And we've―
- Yeah, I know. Yeah.

...we're far along enough now
that we know that with Paul.

Meanwhile, Chris, I see Tofiga
just laughed when he hit Paul
with the ball.

He was gonna teach him a lesson
and get his face out of that damn
iPad.

Look up, you know?

- You've had enough screen time.
- Exactly.

- We've heard the word 'esa' a lot,
actually, in this series.
- Esa.

And this was interesting, cos there
was 'esa' when the ball just missed,
Chris,

and then there was an 'esa'
when the ball went in.
- Yeah.

Does anyone―?
Do we know what 'esa' means? Anyone?

I mean... You know, have
a look at the panel; Probably not.

This could play out either way,
but the worst version is we guess.

So, Hayley ― 12.67m.

Tofiga ― 17.92m.

Tom ― 25.74m.

- That's good.
- OK.

Coming up after the break ―

we'll have two more of the
least impressive holes in one
you'll ever see in your life.

We'll see you then.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Where are we, Paul?
- Our contestants were tasked
with getting a hole in one

with whatever ball in
whatever hole they chose.
Furthest hole in one wins.

Up next, it's Abby Holes
and Ben Holey.

OK. Any hole.

Can I dig a hole?
- Any hole.
- Any hole.

All right, Paul. Do you wanna
play a little game? Come with me.

You ready?
- Yup.

How impressive

- Do you like this little manoeuvre
I'm doing with the shovel?
- Yeah. Is that saving you energy?

No, it just sort of
suggests that I'm in charge.

I hope you get your bond back
on this Airbnb you've got here.

Bam.

No! Shoot!

- I've stopped the clock.
- No! That was just a practice.

73cm.

- Or do we count this as a hole?
- You could struggle to argue that
it'snota hole.

I'll use the power of my brain.
That was just a test.
That was just a test.

OK. I'm back.
I've got a second chance.

I'm going quite big
with this hole.

It looks like you're getting a
nice, clean thing that I can just
put back in, though.

Yeah, that's what
I'm trying to do.

- Is this allowed?
- Yeah.

God.

Dang it.

Come to Hurley.

Look ― it's a hole. It's a hole.

What do you reckon, Paul?
That's a hole.

OK. There's a small patch
of grass missing.

I'm just gonna bask in
real manual labour for a second.

Fore.

Did you say 'fore'
before you hit it?

Yeah, to let everyone
know that a pretty dangerous ball
might be coming.

- OK, you ready, Paul?
- I'm ready.

For attempt tahi.

It needs to be stronger.

Fore.

Fore.

- Have you lost it?
- Lord.

- No, there it is.
- Yeah.

Is that a fetching duck? I feel
like it was going for the ball.

Yeah. It's not a pond;
that's just a hole.

My God. It's in the hole.
What are you doing in
the hole?

Go away. Go away.

A bowling ball?
Yeah.

Fore.

It went over it.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

No!

OK. The thing about
the hole is that it's...

...very small and almost
impossible to even see?

Yup, yup, that's in. That's in.
That's in! It's in!

- Stay where you are.
- OK.

Paul, would you think
I was crazy if I said we go for
attempt one?

- So now you're gonna argue
that that is a hole?
- I was wrong to say that it wasn't.

Wait. There was― There was
a camera in there, I think.-.

The hole was so small that the
editors had to put a circle around it
so you could see it on the footage.

No, I was sort of hoping you
wouldn't show that one, to be
honest.

How far was Abby's hole in one?

So, the current leader
was Tom with 25.74m.

- Yeah.
- Abby ― 73cm.

That's the first manual labour
that I've seen on Taskmaster in
five seasons.

This was the first task I did,

and I thought, is this what
the show is ― just digging
and chucking balls?

I was like, I am in my element.

How far was Ben's hole in one?

29.3m.

- Wow.
- Yes.

OK, so how are we gonna score that?

That means one point for Abby, two
points for Hayley, three points for
Tofiga,

four points for Tom
and five points for Ben Hurley.

Thank you.

Very good from Tom.
- Very good, Tom.

All right. What's happening
on the scoreboard, then, Paul?

It's a two-way tie. Both on
seven points, it's Ben and Tofiga.

All right, Paul, can you hit
me with another task, please?

Sure thing, Jeremy. It's time for
another team task, and this one is a
task masterpiece.

- Here we come.
- Hello, Tofiga.

- Here comes the dream team.
- Hey, Paul.

Is it left?
Is it opposite to your feet?

- Do you think it's this?
- No, true.

See what we've got.

'Bring a classic artwork
to life.'

'Best living artwork wins.
You have 30 minutes to prepare
your artwork.

'You must be alive for
at least 30 seconds.'

'Your time starts now.'

We don't wanna do, um...

- God...
- Unless you wanted to
take your clothes off.

You should do that one.

- Yeah, n-no, thank you.
- All right, Paul.

- Yeah.
- You said that too quickly
and too enthusiastically.

- Awesome.
- Let's go.

- We'll be back. We'll be back.
- See you soon.

- Good to have the young ones
running around for you, Paul.
- Yeah.

Starting to get a bit
worried about you ―

getting a little bit confident this
season telling our comedians to get
naked.

Just thinking about ratings.

I'm ready to see some
beautiful works of art come to life.

Who's first, Paul?

Taking on da Vinci,
it's da team of three.

- Hello, Tofiga. We're back.
- Very clever.

OK, so if you hold those
in your thumb there.

OK.
- OK. Start counting.

OK. Two, one.

Is this the painting alive?
- Yeah, this is the painting live.

It's quite similar to it just...
still.

- Hi.
- No, she's breathing.

- She's breathing.
- Yeah.

I'm breathing, Paul.

Look how beautiful I am, Paul.

- Extremely beautiful, Mona.
- I love you, Paul.

- Thank you, Mona.
- You can call me Lisa.

She doesn't let
a lot of people do that.

Yeah, that's actually
quite a big privilege, Paul.

Just you, Paul.

Was that the 30 seconds?

- It's been 30 seconds, yeah.
- OK.

The background was
surprisingly accurate, actually.

Tom, it was interesting, though, that
you decided that she would be Tofiga
when you―

you obviously have a
female in your team.

- Yeah, I don't know.
We just felt, you know...
- Yeah.

- Tofiga likes to sit.
- You know, we...

Yeah, no, play to your
strengths in a team, right?

- Exactly.
You play to your strengths.
- Yes.

And Tofiga has the kind of
enigmaticness that is the Mona Lisa.

Can we see your Mona
Lisa just to see...?

Yeah, see, that's not it.

And yours?

Yeah, there we go.

- No, I think you're right there.
- Yeah.

- Right, who have we got next, Paul?
- It's Salvador Hayley and Salvador
Hurley.

I'm just trying to think about
what I immediately remember.

They look like they've had a tiff...
- Yes.

- ...but they're at a barbecue
and they can't talk about it.
- Yep.

Well, they're just any
marriage before 1960.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

OK.

Your 30 seconds starts...

three, two,

one.

We'll talk about what
happened when we get home.

I knew I was gonna get it.

- yeah, well, it's the only
thing you're gonna be getting.
- What's new?

You don't touch me any more.
Stupid pitchfork.

What are you gonna do with
that ― make some skewers?
Some chicken skewers?

Stupid man.

- Chicken skewers are good.
- Shut up.

You always undercook them
and get a sore tummy.

Really good.
- We did it.

- And, honestly,
if your hair does thin...
- Yeah?

...I think you're
gonna be all right.
Yeah?

- I think you're gonna be OK.
- Great.

What happened to that bald wig?

Cos I'm sure there's
a bald wig hanging around the
Taskmaster house that you used―

There definitely is.
I popped into the make-up room
to just get a low bun,

and I came out and he'd
already cut a soccer ball in half.

And I knew where the bald cap was;
I just was like, he's gone too far,
so we'll just...

- Yeah.
- It's so crazy how your head
fit in it so perfectly.

It was very concerning
for me at the time.

- Did it look comfy?
- It was quite comfy, yeah.

It's quite cushy on the inside.
- I wanna go in there.
- Yes! It's quite nice.

- Any hole's a goal.
- Any hole's a goal.

OK. I need to score this. I thought
the Mona Lisa was fantastic. Three
points for Tom, Abby and Tofiga.

But I thought American Gothic was
particularly good. Five points for
Ben and Hayley.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

All right, that's enough art.
It's time for us to enjoy what
artists end up doing

when they run out of money in the
heartless hellscape that we call
a society.

We'll see you after these ads.

Hoki mai.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,

the show where the losers get haunted
by their failures and the winner gets
haunted by Abby's creepy doll.

Paul, it's time for another task,
I believe.

Actually, I feel like it's getting
kind of late, and I kinda need to go
to bed.

- Hello.
- It's just me in here, is it?

Hello?

It was just the door closing.

Calm down, Hayley.

No Paul.

'Scare Paul at bedtime.'

'Scariest bedtime wins.'

'Paul will arrive
to go to bed in 20 minutes.'

'Your time starts...

'now.'

Scare Paul at bedtime.

This is great,
cos I'm naturally creepy, I think.

'Bedtime routine.
Wash face. Brush hair.'

'Deslipper and then
respect the Taskmaster.' OK.

'Journal 30 seconds. Bed.'

'Read for 30 seconds,
and then lights out.'

He he he he he he he he!

I wish I could fit in here.

Paul's diary. Keep out.

I'll be respectful of that,

because one time, my sister stole my
diary and read it at a sleepover
with all her friends.

I don't think about that ever

'Things I get really
scared of ― failure, sharks...'

'...getting older
and the unknown.'

No. She already hates me.

Do you wanna talk about that time
when your sister stole your diary

and then read it at a sleepover
with her friends?

Yeah, I don't know why I
said that, because it― because it's
true.

What was in your diary?

- I've got the diary here,
and I'll read it out.
- No!

I think it's mainly about how I
was in love with former American
Idol contestant Clay Aiken.

I don't know if anyone
remembers Clay Aiken.

- So was I.
- Yeah.

- Shall we see who spooks you first,
Paul?
- Up first, it's Tom Sainsbury.

Bwah!

Goodnight.

- Thank you, Tom.
- Have a good sleep.

- Quite scary. Was that a ghost
or a ghoul? What was that exactly?
- That was a ghoul. It was.

There was also a mannequin in the
bed, but that didn't seem to scare
you so much.

- In fact, he was excited.
- Yeah.

He sort of started suckling on it.
It was odd.

OK. Who's next?

Up next ― she's incredibly scary.
It's Aaaahhhh-bby Howells.

Is that Paul?

Yeah.

I didn't recognise you,

cos you look so old,

haggard by time.

Well, you're not
looking too good yourself.

How dare you, Paul?

You better be quiet, or else
I'll feed you to the sharks.

Yeah.

Didn't like that, did you?

OK. I'll be back.

Like, tonight or,
like, another night?

You don't know,
cos I don't know. I don't know
what my schedule's gonna be yet.

- OK. Just at some point.
- At some point, when I've worked
out my scheduuuullllle.

Yeah, the old torch under
the chin ― classic scary look.

It's classic. I channelled all my
energy into the look, and once I got
under the bed,

I was like, 'I don't know
what I'm doing.'

I don't know. I mean, the―

She looked so much like Daphne.
You've got the eyelashes, the hair
and the little red lipstick.

I know, yeah...

I was full of spirit.

I'll tell you what ― there's
something about a ghost with a
busy schedule.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Probably means you're a good
ghost. You've gotta do scaring
all over town.

Many people have wronged me,
and I must make them pay.

- OK. Show me another one,
please, Paul.
- This guy is also really scary.

It's Tofigaaaahhhhh.

Raaaaahhhhh!

Wake up, Paul!

Wake up!
- I'm awake.

I'm awake.
- OK.

Um... I was scared
you were in the cupboard...

When it fell.

It's nice of you to think
that I could fit in the cupboard.

- Have a good sleep.
- Thank you.

I did not see that coming.

The fear was understandable there.
That was health and safety-based.

Did you see how close
the wardrobe came?
- Yeah!

I came out of the closet
in a similar way.

- Literally just tore it down.
- Slammed your way out.

- Yeah.
- Far out.
- Push it down.

I was incredibly scared.
Obviously, a big fright, but also,
I was scared for his safety.

I thought he was in it
and it had just fallen.

Anyway, let's see another one.

Now it's time for a woman
who's so spooky she's named after
the spookiest night of the year.

It's Hayley-ween.

HAYLEY, DISTORTED:
I cast a freezing spell on you.

I said frozen!

Mine...

I actually don't know
how you're doing that.

- Shut up.
- OK.

This bed's not super sturdy. I would
stop moving it if― if you are under
there.

- Who says I'm not in the wardrobe?
Why don't you go and look?
- You've tied me to the bed.

Were you scared, Paul?
- Yeah, that― that was
genuinely scary.

I think when all else fails,
there's always just screaming at
the top of your lungs in the dark.

I'd actually sort of done a bit of
everything, and it was all failing.

Like, I'd put this
Bluetooth speaker in the wardrobe,

and then I was under the bed,
and it had disconnected,
and I was like, 'Dammit.'

I was kind of bamboozled. She was
like, 'Why don't you go look in the
wardrobe?'

Just a Bluetooth speaker...

...playing nothing.
- That wasn't connected
to anything.

- Yeah, OK.
- Yeah.
- OK.

- But the lassoing was expert ―
around there.
- That was good?

- That was superb.
- I was a teenage witch,
so I know how to spook people.

- That's very high level.
- Thank you.

All right. Now it's time for
the real stuff of nightmares ― ads.

We'll be back with more
Taskmaster after this.

Kia ora ano.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where five comedians are giving
Paul Williams frights in the hopes
of winning their own humanchildren.

Is that about right, Paul?
- Yes. Our contestants are competing
to give me the scariest bedtime.

Now it's Ben time.

Hi, Paul.

I'm you

later on in your life.

Complete all the
things you ever wanted to do with
your life in the next 45 minutes.

Your time starts now.

- I just wanna go to bed.
- Wasting it...

once again.

My gosh.

I can't imagine anything scarier
than going to sleep with a picture
of Ben Hurley beside mybed.

OK, so the scary thing was
that he would turn into you?

- Was that scary?
- No. I'd be stoked
if I grew up to be Ben.

- Aww.
- Thanks.

'Grew up'.

- How do you wanna score it?
- I will go Ben one point...
- Yeah, that's fair.

...cos it wasn't
particularly freaky.

I think two points for Tom,

even though there was
a jump scare in there.

I thought Tofiga probably
deserved three points,

cos there was only the one,
but that was quite freaky with
the wardrobe falling over.

Abby was kind of herself,
and that was quite freaky, so four.
- Thank you.

- And five for Hayley.
- Yes.

- Thank you.
- Lovely.

All right, Paul. What have
you got in store for us now?

Nothing. This is just...
two strangers in the park.

God.

Hi.

It's quite a long walk,
isn't it?

- Hello, Paul.
- I don't know you.

I get what this is.

Spy stuff.

Cool.

Is that right?

If this is a bomb,
I'll be very upset.

...No.

You just...

pull on that.
Yeah.

Better get my double chins.

'During the studio
record, tell an anecdote that
makes the audience go, "Aww".

'The anecdote cannot be true.'

'During the studio record,
be extremely curious about
Ben Hurley's...

'skincare routine at least twice.'

'During the studio record,
confident...'

I was gonna say 'confidentially'.

'...confidently mispronounce
three different English words.'

'During the studio record,
passionately promote
a fictional product.'

'During the studio record, give
the contestant seated to your left
the nickname "Mustard Hands".

'You must refer to them by the
nickname at least three times.'

'No one can know it is a task.'

'Most seamless integration wins.'

'You have until episode nine.'

'Your time starts now.'

'Your time starts now.'

'Your time starts now.'

I can do that.
I can do that on a dime.

Any questions?

- What's your code name?
- Black Cat.

- They call me the Serpent.
- Well, now mine sounds lame.

Wow.

Well, that explains some but not
all of the very strange behaviour

which has been taking place on
the stage over the past nine shows.

Should we, see who managed
to pull off their secret mission?

First off, calling the person
to his left 'Mustard Hands',
here's Ben Hurley.

- Let me smell yours.
- They're brand new.

- Good luck, Abby.
- Thank you.

Yours smell like mustard.

- Now you're gonna
have mustard hands.
- Let her focus. Let her focus.

Excuse me, can you let me focus?
This is very important.

Excuse me, I'm talking
to Mustard Hands here.

- So, Hayley's chosen
a sort of black leather loafer...
- Yeah.

- ...with a buckle.
- Classic Mustard Hands, right?

Yours had so many bits of,
like, food in it.

May as well put ketchup in there,
mustard ― old Mustard Hands.
- All right, pink fat.

- Wow, Ben. That was amazing.
- So good.

- I totally thought that was
just some bizarre Hurley...
- Same.

...saying. I've never heard
of that before. Mustard Hands.

I know. I feel this whole time,
I've been lied to by you.
We used to be friends.

He had another task where he had
to pretend to be excited to see me.
It's all a lie.

You must have been quite stoked,
though, cos that was part of your
mission,

but you were getting good laughs
for the Mustard Hands line.

- I know.
- This audience is a lot tougher.

All right. Who's next?

Passionately promoting
her fictional product,
here's Abby Howells.

- My God.
- Her tattoos are so problematic.

She's just best from far away,
I think, even though she's a lovely,
beautiful lady,

printed with sexy ink.
It's sexy ink, baby. It's the best.

- OK. So, the fictional company?
- Yeah, Sexy Ink.
I also did another one today.

Ecto Ray.

- I used my Ecto Ray to measure
the level of spirit in the doll.
- You did.

And all of youse just
accepted it as some of the weird
stuff that I would say naturally.

It's good.

OK. What about Tom?

Making the audience go 'aww' about
an anecdote that never happened,
it's Tom Sainsbury.

You might not realise it, but I've
actually got a very, very big head.

And I... I haven't been able
to find a hat that fits.

- Aww.
- Thank you.

And then I found this hat, and it
was the first one that fit my head.

And I left it behind in a taxi
coming home from somewhere in
Newmarket

after having one too many mudslides.

Sorry.

They always say with lies,
like, don't put in too many
needless details,

and I think I failed on that.

You know, why did it need
to be about mudslides from
somewhere in Newmarket?

But you know what ―
I think I sold it.

The amazing part is that
I saw tears start to well up,

and I thought, wow, this
really is a moment for Tom.

Yeah. That fictional fedora
meant a lot to fictional Tom.

OK, what about Tofiga?

Tofiga was, unfortunately,
unable to comment on Ben's
skincare routine.

Luckily we had some
friends help him out.

And can I say, when you're real
angry, Ben, something happens to
your skin that just reallyglows.

I don't know what moisturiser
you're using, but you look great.

Ben, can I just say, when the
light hit your face ― absolute
delightful skin.

- What's your skincare routine?
- Yeah, he's good. It's good?
- Yeah, what is your routine?

Um... water.

Our contestants
are making soap using unique and
inventive ingredients like soap.

Wait. Ben,
what's your skincare routine?

Actually, I use a lot of pink fat.

That was very good.

Bubbah going twice in a row there
almost within about five minutes,
that was gutsy.

Yeah, then she said she was gonna
become a stripper, and I thought,
people are hitting onme again.

OK, what about Hayley?

Finally, confidently
mispronouncing three words,
here's Hayley Sproull.

Stay tuned for tickets for our,
um, 'preformance' of Little Shop
of Horrors.

I absolutely can't wait for that.

You've never...

been through 'child breath',
have you?

I've never been through
'child breath', no.

- Right.
- No, I haven't.
No, I mean, I have.

So, if we― this is Settlers of
'Cattin', and if you look in...
if you look up close...

- that's me.
- Wow.

Also, Hayley, a lot of
nerds watch this this show.
It's Settlers of Catan.

I don't come across as the most
likeable in those clips.

- A real nitpicker.
- You're gonna really love
watching this show back.

You literally caught me
two out of my three times.

And absolutely pedant.
How insufferable.

Um, actually, it's pronounced...
Jesus Christ.

I was so nervous about doing that
one today, cos it's so embarrassing
to call Settlers ofCatan

Settlers of 'Cattin'.

So am I gonna have to judge
everybo― But this is impossible.
So, everybody did their task?

Essentially, yeah.

Five.

- Five points everyone.
- Yes!

- Right on.
- Very good.

- Yeah, that's right.
- Slap those mustard hands together.

Now it's time for
a secret mission for you at home.

Watch all these ads and let them
influence your consumer choices
in the future.

We'll be back after this.

Nau mai, hoki mai.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.

We're about to embark on an live task
and award one New Zealand comedian

one of the worst prize packs
ever offered on television.
- Excuse me.

- But first, can we get a lay of
the land score-wise, please, Paul?
- Yes, Jeremy.

You've actually just really
insulted Ben Hurley's kids.

And my doll.

And my little sausage.

OK. It's unbelievably tight.

We've got three people on 18,
but in first with 20 points,
it's Hayley Sproull.

- All right.
- Sounds about right to me.

Can everyone, please, head up
to the stage for the live task?

So, how's this gonna work, Paul?

- Ben Hurley, can you
please read this task?
- Sure.

- Do you want me to hold it?
- Yeah, that'd― Yeah, it'd be great.

OK. 'For two minutes, simultaneously eat
spaghetti, keep your balloon off the ground

'and participate in Paul's pub
quiz all while being naturally
photogenic.'

'Your camera can go off at any
point during the two minutes.
Most photogenic photo wins.'

My God.

'Most correct quiz answers
receives two bonus points. Most
spaghetti eaten gets a bonuspoint.

'If your balloon hits the ground,
you lose a point. Your time starts
on Paul's whistle.'

What on Earth?

Here's my worst fear ―
it catches me throwing up.

- Are you allergic to spaghetti?
- No, I'm allergic to your bullshit.

On my whistle.

What is the name of the river
that flows through Rome?

- Tiber.
- Correct, Ben.

How many times have Italy
won the FIFA World Cup?

- Four times.
- Correct, Chris Parker.
- My God.

Balloon has hit the ground.

What is the primary ingredient
in risotto?

- Rice.
- Ri― Cottage cheese.
- Arborio rice. Arborio rice.

I'm giving it to Hayley.
Hayley, correct.

What animal native to China
shares a name―

- Panda!
- Panda.

...with an Italian car?
Who said 'panda' first?

- Me! Sainsbury.
- Tom Sainsbury.

How many 'L's are in
the word 'colosseum'?

- Three!
- Three!
- Four!

- Is someone saying four?
- Two!
- One!

Correct, Tom.

What is the Italian word
for 'spaghetti'?

- Spaghetti!
- Spaghetti!
- Tom Sainsbury, correct.

What country does James Bond
have a boat chase in...
- Milan!

- ...in From Russia With Love?
- Milan! Russia!
- Copenhagen.

- Wellington.
- Wellington.
- Italy.

Italy ― correct, Tom Sainsbury.

What are the three ingredients
in a margherita pizza?

- Basil! Cheese!
- Potato!

Did you hear who got
that last question right?

- Yeah, I think it was Hayley.
- Thank you.

OK, come on down, and we'll
see how these photos turn out.

- Thanks for shouting dinner,
Jeremy.
- Pleasure.

- Delish.
- Warm enough for you?

Just how I like it ― 10 degrees.

- Yes, so Chris did like it.
- He ate the most spaghetti.

- No!
- Well done.

- Don't clap that.
- That's really good.

That is so embarrassing.

So that's plus one for Chris.
However, his balloon was the only
balloon to touch the ground,

so that's minus one for Chris.
- That's OK.

- And Tom gets plus two for the most
trivia questions answered correctly.
- Wow!

- Well done, Tom.
- Well done.

- Should we look at the photos?
- I can't wait to see these photos.

Who are we gonna start with?
- Here's Tom.
- OK.

OK.

- Yeah.
- I like that
I can see what you're eating.

- OK. Shall we see Chris?
- No.

I look really good.

Look at my bone structure.

- Wait, where are you?
- Where are you?

It was a moment where he was sort
of coming towards the front of the
stage to get his balloon.

Right.

Or heat that pasta up
for another serving of that.

I'm expecting a lot from Hayley.
She was working the lens.

So, Hayley.

- Use that as Chris' picture.
- Well, there I am.

Can I honestly say that is
the worst photo of me to ever exist.

Chris is not being judged on that;
he's being judged on his one.

Well, I am.

I also was about to say that's an
unflattering angle of my jawline,

but if you just sort of look
to the right, it's actually OK.

I got ya, mate. I got ya.

It's giving waist.
It's giving boobs. It's great.

There's a little bit of spaghetti
sort of dripping through your
cleavage there, which is beautiful.

- Sexy.
- OK. Ben Hurley.
- Here's Ben Hurley.

- Wow!
- Hurley.

I'm trying to staunch
the camera out.

That's actually one of the best
photos I've ever seen of you, Ben,
to be honest.

All right.
Let's see Abby, last of all.
- Here's Abby.

- Abby!
- For goodness sakes. Stop it.

Well...
- Abby, come on.

- Well, that's how the divas do it.
- Amazing.

- So, how do you wanna score it?
- OK, well, Chris is obviously one,
cos he's not in there.

Sorry, Chris.
- That's fine.

Hayley, two.

Tom, three.

Ben four.

And, of course, Abby, five.
How could you not?
- Thank you.

Should we do
a series score update?

I'd love a series score update.

With a two-point lead,
currently leading season five,
it's Hayley Sproull.

OK. Two points. I'll take it.

All right. Let's focus on the now,
Paul. Who is our episode nine winner?

It was a nail-biter, but with 23
points, the winner of episode nine
is Abby Howells.

Congratulations, Abby.

You are now the proud owner of a
bunch of stuff that reminds other
comedians of themselves.

Please head up to the stage
and enjoy your bounty.

Nga mihi o te po. Goodnight.

Hi, guys.

Welcome to the grand finale
of season five of Taskmaster.

This is the episode that matters...

Ooh!

...where a winner is crowned...

Testing. Testing.

...and where history is written.