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Darlin' companion

Come on and give me understandin'

And let be your champion

The hand to hold your pretty hand in

Darlin' companion

And now you know you'll
never be abandoned

Love will always light our landin'

I can depend on you

Darlin' companion

Heaven knows where we'll be landin'

Just as long as we keep laughing

Keep in mind just what we're havin'

Darlin' companion

I tell the mountains and the canyons

As long as I got legs to stand on

I'm gonna run to you

Darlin' companion

Heaven knows where we'll be landin'

Just as long as we keep laughing

Keep in mind just what we're havin'

Darlin' companion

I tell the mountains and the canyons

As long as I got legs to stand on

I'm gonna run to you

PAYNELESS RENT-A-CAR

FREE GAS
NO MILEAGE CHARGE - WE GIVE HERTS

Darlin' companion

Come on and give me understandin'

And let me be your champion

The hand to hold your pretty hand in

Darlin' companion

And now you know you'll
never be abandoned

Love will always light out landin'

BE NICE
I can depend on you

Darlin' companion

I tell the mountains and the canyons

As long as I got legs to stand on

I'm gonna run to you

As long as I got legs to stand on

WE CARE
I'm gonna run to you.

- Hi, may I help you?
- I wanna rent a car.

- Full size or compact?
- It doesn't matter.

- Stick shift for automatic?
- It doesn't matter.

- Convertible or hard top?
- It doesn't matter.

- Two-door or four-door?
- It doesn't matter.

Well, maybe not to you,
but I take pride in my company.

Now with or without stereo?

With.

Oh, I'm sorry,
we're all out of stereos.

Can I be of any other help?

Say where can I gotta
get a drink around here?

- Bar or restaurant?
- It doesn't matter.

Sandor's.

Hello, Sandor?
This is Chris.

Listen, my car won't start.

Maybe the battery's dead.

No it's the brushes in the generator.

Can you pick me up?

Well, I could if I had
a car that would work.

Yours, too?
But I fixed it last night.

Well, the car doesn't seem to know that.

Look, can't you take something from work?

You know I can't use a company car.

Look, I haven't got time to argue.

Just get your ass over here and fix it.

Leave my ass out of this.

Sandor's really getting to me.

For 10 nights in a row, he's been working
on those new bumper stickers.

All night long?

He's so into his work,
I can't talk to him.

I'm really frustrated.

No, I think you're just horny.

Yeah, and I'm not even married.

You might as well be.

Who are you going out with tonight?

Well, let's see what
my M-A-N has to say.

Your man?

That's right, masculine
automated network.

I programmed our reservations computer
to keep track of all my dates.

Hmm, tonight it's George.

He rates at six, that's not bad.

Is the man programmed to
tell you what they like?

Honey, if I let it know that,
it would stop talking to me.

Darlin' companion

Come on and give me understandin'

And let me be your champion

The hand to hold your pretty hand in

Darlin' companion

And now you know you'll
never be abandoned

Love will always light our landin'

I can depend on you

- Am I glad to see you.
- Oh, this is my ride, he stopped for me.

Ladies first.

Oh, chivalry is dead
along with women's love.

Look, you work your side of
the street and I'll work mine.

- Will you guys make up your mind?
- We'll share.

Where are you headed?

- North Hollywood.
- West LA.

- I'm going to east LA.
- Could you go down 2nd Street?

- No.
- Can you go down 6th?

I can for you.

You can drop me off at Sandor's.

It's near the corner of Brisco.

- Who's Sandor?
- He's my old man.

Are you married?

No, we've been living
together for a couple of years.

Would you like to get married?

Is that an offer?

- No, what I'm--
- You sure ask a lot of questions.

I guess it's an occupational hazard,
I'm a probation officer.

A probation officer hitching?

It doesn't fit the image.

- My car won't start.
- What's the matter?

The mechanic says something's wrong
with the voltage regulator.

What does he know?

I'll bet you it's the battery.

Darlin' companion

I tell the mountains and the canyons

As long as I got legs to stand on

I'm gonna run to you

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Hi, Sandor, how was your day?

I'll tell you when the car is running.

I can't understand
why it won't work.

Who's this?

This is...

Dennis Meyers.

We hitched a ride together.

Try it now.

The primary lead was loose.

Alright, terrific.
Come on, get your ass in the car.

I told you, leave my ass out of this.

Alright, then leave it out,
but I'm going.

Get in, I don't wanna sit
next to that creep.

- We're giving you a ride?
- I guess so.

SEX IS A BORE

Hey, are these your bumper stickers?

Yeah, the latest batch.
It's a whole new approach.

"Have a rotten day."

"CIA is full of spies."

"Support mental health or I'll kill you."

Hey, not bad.

What do you think of these?

"Santa Claus is a faggot."

"Support your local police, bribe them."

"Howard Hughes is on welfare."

How about "stop overpopulation,
cut down on sex?"

The problem with you, Sandor,

is you're beginning to
believe your own material.

These should sell great, just fine.

I don't like them.

You don't have to.

I've got orders for 19,000 gross
and we're just getting started.

And unless I judge the market wrong,

we'll outsell smile and
have a nice day, 10 to one.

- Money.
- You've got something against it?

You work so hard in making money,
I'm surprised you even know my name.

What's in a name?

I'm more intimate with your car
than I'm with you.

Whatever turns you on, baby.

Is that a bumper sticker, too?

Sandors had cardinal
knowledge of his printing press.

Here's a bumper sticker for Chris.

"Nymphomaniacs need love, too."

Would you please tell
what's-his-face to drop dead?

She's expressing some
hostility towards you.

Well, tell Miss Hot Pants,
she can split anytime she wants.

He says you don't have to stay.

You tell that chauvinist pig I'm tired
of playing maid for him.

She's tired of playing maid for you.

Now that's the laugh of the year.

And inform that oversexed grease monkey

that she's probably the
sloppiest person in the world.

No, wait, make that
definitely the sloppiest.

He doesn't think that you're too neat.

Oversexed?

Let me out of this car, Sandor.

Sure, I'll slow down.

Don't make a scene in public.

Alright, then get
your ass back in the car.

Sandor, why don't you go fuck yourself.

Look, I'm sure there's a civilized way
that we can settle this whole thing.

There sure is.

Oh, Dennis, I'm sorry.
I really am.

What do you do for an encore?

Come home with me
and I'll take care of you. You'll be okay.

Oh, he needs to lie down.

No, he needs to have a drink.

No, he needs to lie down.

I need to
lie down and have a drink.

How are you feeling now, Dennis?

Fine, just fine.

I'm gonna make some dinner.

- Do you like spaghetti?
- Love it.

Great, you can have an entire can
to yourself.

Chris, that was delicious.

I doctored it up a little.

I think it needed a specialist.

I propose a toast.

To Sandor and Chris,
may your wishes come true.

I'll drink to that.

I'll drink to anything.

The best thing about fighting
is making up.

The problem with your relationship
is a failure to communicate.

He can always send me a bumper sticker.

Look, I've got work to do.

Why don't you two solve the problem
and let me know the answer?

You're a free agent.

If you don't get along with Sandor,
leave him.

But he's my best friend.

He sounds like your worst enemy.

He's under a lot of pressure.

It makes him cranky.

Well, there, you've
just said it yourself.

Hang in there and it'll all work out.

God, it's late, I'd better get home.

But I can't wait 'til it all works out.

If he doesn't change right away,
I'll do something desperate.

Like what?

I don't know.

I'll let you know when I've done it.

Now you just relax.

- Don't leave me just yet.
- Okay?

But I really should phone Jan.

- You're married?
- No.

Why don't you sleep here tonight,
Dennis?

It's kind of late, and we can
drive you to work in the morning.

Well, Jan?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Look, I met these two people
and had an accident.

No, I'm not hurt.

I'm with them now.

Sandor and Chris.

No, Chris is a girl.

Sandor makes bumper stickers
and Chris is his chick.

She's sitting right here beside me.

Sandor?

Oh, he's up in the bedroom
working on his bumper stickers.

Listen, Jan,
I think I'm going to sleep here tonight.

Do what to myself?

Hello?

Hello?

I think we failed to communicate.

Well, just hang right in there.

It'll all work out.

Dennis?

Dennis?

Come on, Dennis, please wake up.

What's the matter?

Talk to me, I can't sleep.

What's bothering you?

I know it sounds crazy.

I love Sandor,
but I still wanted to come in here

and be with you.

Dennis, can I lie next to
you, so you can hold me?

Are you sure this is the way
to solve your problem?

I don't love Sandor any less
because I'm here with you.

Why does everyone think you have to care
for only one person?

Look at parents, they can love
10 children at the same time.

You aren't the only one
with these feelings, Chris.

We all have desires within us
that are difficult to express.

What are you trying to say?

What if Sandor wakes up?

Don't worry about Sandor.

He's an outstanding person.

Mm, yes, he is.

I think a lot of him.

You know you have very soft skin.

He likes you, too.

It isn't easy to make up
all of those slogans for bumper stickers.

Mm, it's true.

He's very sharp.

That's Sandor all the way.

And a great host.

Aha!

Hi.

Oh, why bother to cover up, baby?
What have you got left to hide?

I'm not hiding anything.

I'll tell you exactly what happened.

Oh, spare me the instant replay.

There's nothing wrong
with what I've done.

Besides, would you rather I get it on
without telling you?

I don't remember you telling me.

Well, I was going to this morning.

Sandor, I love you, but I like Dennis.

Dennis, she likes you.
That should make your day.

I do love you, Sandor.

Well, you have
a unique way of showing it.

Sandor, I think I can explain that--

Nobody asked you.

Yeah, you stay out of this.

Chris, I think we better have a talk.

Well, at least I know what it takes
to get you to talk.

Your keys, sir.

Have a nice day.

Oh, I mean, have a rotten day.

Don't hate me, Sandor.

I don't hate you.

Look Sandor, don't be hard on Chris.

I really like you both.
I wish you felt the same about me.

I'm not blaming you, Dennis.

There's no one to blame.

Let me and Jan take you to dinner.
What do you say?

You'll really like Jan.

What's she look like?

Well, looks are unimportant.
She's got a terrific personality.

Come on, you'll really dig Jan.

Sounds like you're suggesting a trade.

Hell no.

But why can't we all be friends?

She have a good figure.

I guess so.

Come on, the worst you can
get out of it is a good meal.

We accept.

Alright, let's get going.

Hi, there.
Good morning.

Good morning, Rodney.

Lovely day, isn't it?

Our neighbors.

They keep an eye on Chris
when I have to work late.

I wonder who their house guest is.

I don't know.

It certainly looks unnatural to me.

Roper?

Hey, Dennis.

Wait a second, Dennis.

I gotta see you, man.
I gotta see you now.

We got problems, Dennis.
Real problems.

Oh, Ramon, I've got
people waiting outside.

You're not supposed to see
me 'til this afternoon.

I don't care about your
appointment book, man.

This is serious.

I don't got no job.

What, you mean you were fired?

Nah, I quit.

I told that pig boss what
he can do with his job.

You know what I got working
my silly butt off one solid week?

$48.20.

I tell you the truth, Dennis.

I'd move out of my house
and let Stella go

with the kids to the welfare

if it wasn't for that stinking pimp.

I seen him hanging
around her again, Dennis,

trying to get on the streets,
hustling for him.

I should have killed him
and I should have killed him then.

Okay, take it easy.

The problem now is a job, Ramon.

Come on, Dennis.
You'll find me a job, yeah?

Well, it's not so easy, you know.
You're a convicted felon, Ramon.

If you're not working,
the parole board will send you back in

a lot quicker than they let you out.

You gotta get me a job, Dennis.

You gotta get me a job.

What's going on here, Dennis?

Why are you interrupting, man?

Can't you see me and Dennis
are having a serious talk?

I'll see what I can do, Ramon.

Better do something, Dennis.

I'll see you at your
regular time, Ramon.

What time is it, Dennis?

11:15?

And what time was Roper
supposed to see you?

10:30.

Your job is to process them,
not pamper them.

You gotta chew 'em up
and spit 'em out.

Did you get your car fixed?

Yeah, the mechanic was wrong.

It was the battery.

What's so funny?

- Nothing.
- Nothing.

Tell us about Jan.
Does she work?

Not now.

She was a stewardess.

I'm willing she can't be too bad.

When you meet Jan, what you
notice is her personality.

- Besides...
- I know.

Looks aren't everything.

There she is now.

What a personality.

You haven't even met her.

I trust Dennis.

He's a very good judge of character.

Jan, I want you
to meet my good friends,

- Chris and Sandor.
- Hi, Sandor.

You're not at all what I expected.

But what did you expect?

Well, Dennis raved about your beauty,

but he completely overlooked
your tremendous personality.

But you've just met me.

Sandor is a very good
judge of character.

Good evening,
what would you like?

Pair of martinis.

Sandor, you don't drink martinis.

Anyway, you have a drink.

Yeah.

I read somewhere that martinis
contain a lot of Vitamin A.

It improves your night vision.

See, I told you Sandor would dig Jan.

You have a fantastic pair of eyes.

I've noticed you're really into pairs.

- Yeah?
- Where are you from, Jan?

Chicago.

I knew I'd seen you somewhere before.

Sandor, you've never been to Chicago.

Yes, but I remember seeing your picture
in Playboy magazine.

You were serving drinks
at a bumper pool table.

Well, as a matter of fact,
we're in similar lines of work.

I make bumper stickers.

Do you think I've done
the right thing, Dennis?

Oh, I can feel it in my bones.

Fantastic place, Dennis.

I knew you'd like it.

Notice how fast those martinis
go to work on your night vision?

I sure do.

Now everything is perfectly clear.

Perfectly?

Yeah.

You know,
you remind me of Aphrodite.

Who is that?

She was the Greek goddess of love.

You have a spiritual quality
just like her.

You know, we've only
been talking for an hour

and already I have a tingling
sensation in my toes.

Dennis, I don't think
I like what's happening.

Maybe we all should say
goodbye right now.

Chris, I don't
wanna say goodbye to you.

Oh, wow.

What a house.

Just the two of you live here?

Yeah, it was decorated by
me and undecorated by Sandor.

Excuse the mess, I haven't
had a chance to clean up.

Well, now's your chance
because I'm gonna show Jan around.

This place could really
use some fixing up.

All it needs is a little imagination.

Well, I'd love to
hear some of your ideas.

Let me show you the bedroom

and we'll see what we can come up with.

Now wait a minute.

Oh, Chris is right.

We really ought to talk about this first.

Yeah, we really
ought to talk about this first.

Well, what's there to talk about?

It seems to me that you two
talked about it all last night.

Look, Chris, just because I love you
doesn't mean I can't like Jan.

There's an old Chinese proverb,

"A journey of a thousand miles
begins a single step."

Come on, let's start walking.

Huh, that was easier than I thought.

There's an old American proverb,

"Getting there is half the fun."

Follow me.

Hey, what's wrong
with the other bedroom?

I decided the group
that plays together stays together.

Ugh.

This is what I'd call the
ultimate encounter group.

This is what I'd call an orgy.

Not at all.

You're with Sandor
and Dennis is with me.

We just happen to be sharing the same bed.

That's us.

Four mature adults,
who basically really like each other.

Let's get in bed.

I feel a strong urge
to like you right now.

Wait, don't you believe
in foreplay first?

What did you have in mind?

A fast game of Monopoly.

Oh, hmm.

Okay.

Dennis on the side,
then me, then Sandor.

Then Jan on the other side.

Good night, Chris.

Good night, Sandor.

Here's Johnny.

I have to watch Johnny,
can't go to bed without him.

Thanks a lot.

Anyway,
tonight he's got an Irving Cloth.

- Who?
- Irving Cloth.

He happens to be the world's foremost

America's flamenco dancer.

Great, I'm in bed
with an all-time winner

and my old lady wants to
watch some faggot

mincing around on a dance floor.

He's not a faggot
and he doesn't mince.

He's full of grace and form.

As far as I'm concerned,
he's full of shit.

Anyway, he's not dancing tonight.

Why not?

He's got a hernia.

Chris, Jan and I want
to get to know each other.

If you love me, Sandor,
you'll understand.

I've got to take things a little slower.

Okay, then turn off the light
so Jan and I can talk.

How come you need the light off to talk?

- Chris!
- Alright, alright.

As long as we have to watch Irving Cloth,
we might as well enjoy it.

Let's turn on.

I'll go for that.

Grass gets me hot.

Then bring out a kilo.

Who's good at rolling?

That's one of Chris's talents.

This smells
like some good stuff.

Chris, grass gets me hot, too.

Does grass get you hot?

Men get me hot.

Whoops, it's all over
the place, everybody.

Help me clean it up.

Oh.

Come on,
stop coughing a lot of bread.

Oh!

Oh, over
here, there's some more.

Hey, is that your toe?

No, it's my toe.

Move, there I got it.

- Okay, you have.
- Okay.

I think I'm starved.

I'm going to get something to eat.

Bring me a beer, will you?

What about you, guys?

Got any ice cream?

Sure, Sandor?

Yeah, make it a pair of scoops.

Why the heavy artillery, chief?

There's a flying satellite
and a 30-foot giant a few miles out on 66.

A 30-foot giant?
Oh, no.

Please, Chris, have mercy.

You watched
Johnny
,
you watched a late movie,

and now you're into the late, late movie.

Give a guy a break.

Sweetheart, this film's the
Attack of the 50 Foot Woman
,

it's fantastic.

A real sleeper.

I can believe it.

Dennis is sound asleep.

I can barely keep my eyes open,

and if I tried to make love to Jan,
I'd be accused of necrophilia.

It'll be over in a minute.

I just wanna see what
happens to the 50-foot woman.

She gets murdered by a 50-foot man.

Eight hooks,
four lengths of chain,

40 gallons of plasma,
and an elephant syringe.

What's going on?

I was watching the television.

Chris, the station was off the air.

Patterns can blow your mind.

Have you ever noticed
what incredible works of art they are?

Dennis is asleep,
Jan is asleep, and I'm asleep.

Say goodnight, Chris.

Goodnight, Sandor,
I love you.

Goodnight, Chris,
I love you, too.

I'm sorry about
the way I acted last night.

I understand.

There's nothing
wrong with what happened.

You mean, what didn't happen.

You know what I mean?

If I can like Dennis and still love you,

then why can't you do the same?

That's what I've been
asking myself all morning.

I was afraid if I shared you with Jan,
I'd lose you.

I shared.

Have I lost you?

No.

I guess I'll just have
to take a leap of faith.

Thanks, baby.

Well, it's that time again.

- Good night, Sandor.
- Good night, Chris.

- Night, Jan.
- Good night, Dennis.

Ms Lee, my name is Findley,
State Department of Corrections.

This is Mr Myers.

What can I do for you?

Oh, we're making a routine field check.

Have you had any problems
with Ramon Montez?

Problems?

None at all.

- None?
- No, he's a model employee.

Model?

He's on time and always courteous.

Alright, who dumped
that black Plymouth

in the middle of my lot.

- I guess it's mine.
- Yeah.

Then I guess you'd better move it,
'cause it's in my way.

Hey, Dennis, what are you doing here?

You remember Mr Findley, my supervisor?

You're just a guy I wanna talk to.

I got some complaints.

They should hire a couple of other guys
to split the work, see.

It's too much even for me,
and I ought to get more money.

Of course, I don't mind too bad

since I've got the
company of these ladies.

Hey, Dennis,
you ought to meet Chris here.

Ramon, please.

Okay, what about you, Findley?
What do you think of Judy here?

She's something, right?

Right on.

Are you sure we're in the right place?

Jan, you've really done an amazing job.

I found some wood in the back.

I thought it would be cozy
if we had a fire.

Hey, Dennis.
How's this for a bumper sticker?

"Today may be the last day of your life."

Sounds kind of gruesome.

Great, it'll work.

What's for dinner, Jan?

Oh, come with me in the kitchen.

I'll show you.

Hi, there.

Have I got a surprise for you.

Souffle brownies.

My only special recipe.

Smells divine.

Take your hands off my pot, Sandor.

What's in there?

I call it sauce
menage a trois.

You inspired it.

Well, your French is great,
but your mouth is awful.

We're four and not three.

Don't be trivial.

The sauce is a masterpiece.

I used four different kinds of wine.

Mind if I pour myself a drink?

Jan, be a darling and stir the sauce.

Thank God.

What did I do wrong?

You know perfectly well
you're supposed to stir

with a wooden spoon.

You'll bruise the wine.

Rodney, I think something's burning.

Well, it's not my souffle.

It's smoke.

It's the fireplace.

Can you get it to stop smoking?

No, but maybe I can
talk it into cutting down.

- Open the windows.
- Open the doors.

Open the door, you idiot.

I've got to step
outside for some fresh air.

This smoke is clogging up my pores.

Go outside, everybody.

Well, let's let the house air out.

What's with all the smoke?

Randy, don't you know,
where there's smoke, there's fire?

It's okay, Chris fixed it.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, what a disaster.

What a catastrophe.

What a mess.

What's the matter, Rodney?

My souffle is ruined,

and I so wanted it to be a perfect dinner.

Don't be upset, Rodney.
It was an accident.

Yeah, you can whip up something else.

Not now.

Come, Randy.

I think I'm going to have a depression.

- Hi.
- Hello.

I'm collecting rocks.

It's a good place for it.

Nobody ever comes down here.

How did you find it?

I'm the head lifeguard for this area.

How about you?

I don't know.
Something just drew me here irresistibly.

Really, what?

Fate, I guess.

I'm Jan.

Hi, Jan, I'm Fate.

Look what Jan found.

This is Phil.

Hi, how you doing?

- That lifeguard Jeep yours?
- Yeah.

Business looks a little slow today.

Actually, it's my weekend off.

There's nowhere else I'd rather be.

A man who loves his work.

Since you're off duty,
why don't you join us?

Listen, I don't want to impose.

Jan made enough chicken
for an army.

Would you care for a breast?

Actually, I'm a leg man.

Nice morning.

Can't imagine what's the matter.

Try it again.

Okay, hold it a minute.

What do you think?

Sounds like something's wrong
with the distributor.

What's the distributor?

- That's odd.
- What's odd?

The rotor's cracked.

It looks like somebody's
been fooling around with it.

Why would anyone do that?

Hard to say.

Well, can you fix it?

No way.

It's too bad.

- I guess I'll have to have it towed in.
- Hmm.

Can you gimme a ride?

Where can we drop you?

- Anywhere in Santa Monica.
- You live there?

Oh, I do and I don't.
My wife's filing for divorce,

so I've just been crashing
with friends for a few days

'til I can find an apartment.

Why don't you stay with us
until you get settled?

- Yeah, we got lots of room.
- We have?

Well, there is the living room couch.

Come on, you guys, give him a break.
He needs some place to sleep.

Alright, until you find a place.

Come on.

Woo!

Two girls and three men.

What do you call that?

A full house.

Say, Phil, have you ever read
The Man Who Came to Dinner
?

I don't think so, what's it about?

Oh, it's the story of a guy
who came to spend one night

and then never wanted to leave.

I get ya.

Don't worry, I'm working on it.

Finding an apartment?

No, a chick.

I figure if I come up with a winner,
we can all share.

Isn't that
getting a little crowded?

Besides, who knows if
Chris and Jan will buy it.

They'll buy it,
and the house can handle six.

Yeah, but the problem
is really finding someone who will fit in.

I've got some
interviews tomorrow.

I'll find one who does.

Does she or doesn't she?

Why don't you ask her?

Hello again.

There never was a first time.

Sure there was.

You don't know me, do you?

I've known you all my life.

I've just never met you.

Boy, what a view you've got.

- That's funny.
- What's funny?

The way I said you.

I like how well the five
of you fit together.

There's still a missing link.

- What's that?
- You.

Why?
Need a lawyer?

You'd make it even better.

That's some proposal.

I've been asked to get married before,
but never by a group.

Who's talking about marriage?

Sandor and I argue enough as it is.

I don't wanna get married.

Well, you are.

What you've got in practice
is a group marriage.

You just haven't made it legal yet.

Well, now you see,
you do have a lot to offer.

You can be our resident attorney.

Elaine, why do you call it
a group marriage?

Because you live under one roof
and you share everything.

Is that so different from being married?

Well, sure it is.

To be married, you have
to care about each other

more than you care about anybody else.

I feel that way about all of you.

Yeah?
Well, I'd like to get outta one marriage

before I get into another.

It's a far out idea.

I think I'd like to join you
and see what happens.

You would?

Terrific, when are you moving in?

Well, there's a slight problem,

but if Phil can come to my
office tomorrow morning,

I'm sure we can work it out.

Am I the problem?

No, but you may be the solution.

Hey.

Alright, alright, I'm coming.

- Yes?
- Hey, man, I'm the one.

- The one what?
- Aren't you gonna ask me in?

- Are you sure you've got the right place?
- Sure, I'm sure.

- You sure you live here?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

- What do you want?
- To join the group.

- What group?
- The one in the ad, can't you read?

Yeah, I can read.

Say Phil,
do you know anything about this?

God, no, I'm too young
to have a kid that old.

Well, listen to this.

Wanted totally liberated soul

to join a group of two couples
and one male,

interviewing Sunday,
451 Corona del Mar.

Oh, hell, let me see that.

You put an ad
in an underground paper?

Yeah,
that was before I met Elaine.

They've got it wrong anyway.

It's supposed to say wanted,
one female.

They left out the female part.

Well, don't worry about it.
I go both ways, you know?

AC/DC.

Yeah, sorry pal,
but we're all straight here.

Well, that's okay with me.
I'm trying to get straight.

Fine, I'll help you get straight.

I'll show you the
straightest way out of here.

Straight ahead.

Hey, honey, you are cute.

Like to play rough?

I'll handle it, Chris.

If you're here about the ad.

Who is this dude, Chris?

You wouldn't be interested.
We're a package deal.

Well, I've got a package, right?

If you're interested,
you let Irma know, huh, Chris?

- Hi.
- Bye.

Wait a minute, Sandor.
Maybe they have some hidden talent.

I'll bet they do.

I'm warning you,
this could lead to trouble.

I just thought maybe...

The law is very clear
and even thinking about it.

Yeah, look, it will be a shame
to split you girls up. So long.

Aren't you a little hung up
on numbers?

Right.

Listen, if it rings again,
let's not answer it.

I'll get it.

Wanna take any bets?

I say it's a man with a sheep.

I never doubted it for a minute.

You the guys with the group sex thing?

- Our lease prohibits pets.
- Yeah?

Although, Furry here
is more than just a pet,

if you know what I mean.

I'm afraid I do.

It's not our style.

Well, don't knock it
unless you've tried it.

Why don't we just leave
and go somewhere else for the day?

I'll get it.

- Yes?
- How do you do?

May I come in?

I'm here for the audition.

I can supply you with any
references you may require.

By the way, did you folks
have anything in mind

for this audition?

Something in particular.

I recently had a checkup
and I'm in excellent physical condition.

As a matter of fact,
I'm ready for anything.

What is it, dear?

After giving this matter
considerable thought,

I've decided to join you.

What did she say?

Do you do this sort of thing often?

No, this is the first ad
I've ever answered.

- Who are you?
- None of your business.

I have an excellent credit rating,
if anyone cares.

If she's here, I'll find her.

If you'll be so kind just
to show me where I'm to sleep,

I could freshen up a bit.

- How old are you?
- 10.

Oh, we don't take anybody
under 11.

- I'll be 11 in June.
- You could come back in June.

This is terrible.

I went through the side door
and I locked myself out.

I can seem to find her anywhere.

- Who are you looking for?
- My little girl.

She ran off to one of
those hippie communes.

I saw your ad in the newspaper
and I thought maybe she might be here.

- How old is she?
- 31.

Oh, have you seen her?

Hmm, nice boobs.

- What?
- Breasts.

- No, I haven't seen her.
- Perhaps I can help you.

I have a number of sources
of information.

We can solve it by a simple
process of elimination

if we approach it systematically.

Yes.

Well, that's the last of them,
I hope.

I think there's still one inside.

But I came all the
way from Orange County.

Sorry, no more candidates today.

Oh, I don't want to join.
I just came to watch.

Randy, look at that man.

What do you think
they're up to in there?

Whatever it is, it's definitely deviant.

LAW OFFICES

- Hi, Counselor.
- Hi.

- I had a horrible nightmare last night.
- What was it?

I dreamed you couldn't find
the solution to your problem.

Well, I did.

Here.

A subpoena?

Yeah.

You're my wife's lawyer?

That's me.

You should know how to
knock down a guy's defenses.

Audrey put you up to this?

Phil, when I took her case,
I didn't even know you.

Meeting you was accidental.

Why didn't you tell me this before?

Because I like you.

You're different from
the man Audrey described.

Well, yeah, I can guess what she said.

Well, she's no bargain either.

Look, Phil, you don't have
to prove anything to me.

You wanna know why I played around?

Not particularly.

She was a bore.

She had the body of a woman
and the brain of a child.

Typical broad.

That must have been tough
on a heavy thinker like yourself.

It was tough,

but I'll say this for Audrey.

She wasn't a mouth.

At least she knew when
to shut up and put out.

Then why divorce her?

She sounds like your ideal.

- A dumb cunt.
- Listen.

If she were my ideal,
do you think I'd be here now?

See you in court.

I blew it.

Another Elaine will come along.

Yeah, in about a hundred years.

Why drag it out?
I'll split now.

You don't have to go, Phil.

Sure I do,
I'm a fifth wheel around here.

Come in.

Hi.

I was wrong, Elaine.

No, I was wrong.

Going someplace?

Not now.

Here's to you, Chris,
for starting all this.

I hope you knew what you were doing.

To Sandor,
let me always be your friend.

To Jan,
let me always be your lover.

To Phil.

If you ever need me,
just whistle.

You know how to whistle.

Just put your lips together
and blow.

To tomorrow.

To tonight.

I have a wedding present for you.

- Do we get to open it now?
- Mm-hmm.

It's upstairs in the spare room.

Don't they remind you

of the
Snow White
and the Seven Dwarves
?

Yes, and I'm sure that before long,
they'll reach the right number.

Ow.

KNBX
CHANNEL 6 NEWS TEAM

Now I wonder what they want.

Tell 'em they got the wrong house.

Yeah, this is private property.

Maybe we should
get a restraining order.

Maybe we should get a large dog.

Hey, what's up?

Roll please, take one,
group sex, airing Tuesday.

Good evening.

This is Seymour Halliburton
with the second

in a series of reports on ads
in underground newspapers.

Today, we're at 451 Corona del Mar

to speak to several people,
who placed an ad for another partner

to join what some might
call a group marriage.

Sir, how is this arrangement
working out for you?

Oh, well, right now we're
just six single people

living in one house.

Nothing unusual.

How do you deal with
the issue of group sex?

We don't.

You don't deal with it?

We don't do it.

Then is it true that you're
practicing sex illegally

with one another?

Now just a minute.

I don't believe this line of questioning
is of any interest to your viewers,

and I'm going to have to advise my clients
against answering anything

that might suggest we're
in violation of any law.

You must be an attorney.

That is correct.

What do you do in the case of arguments?

If six people can't live
together and get along,

what hope has a country got?

A very interesting observation.

What you have here
is your own mini country.

Now how do you decide
who sleeps with whom?

Mr Halliburton, you're trying again.

- Let me ask you a question.
- Yes, sir, go right ahead.

When was the last time you got laid?

Laid?
I don't get laid, I'm a married man.

- You mean you don't sleep with your wife?
- Well, that's not getting laid.

Tell me, do you practice
illegal sex acts with your wife?

- Of course not.
- Then who do you practice them with?

- Well, nobody.
- This guy works alone.

Take two, tag for group sex.

Well, there you have it.

An experiment in modern living.

Where it will go,
only the future knows for sure.

This is Seymour Halliburton broadcasting

from 451 Corona del Mar
for
Channel Six News
.

Thank you, Seymour.

Seymour will be back at
five o'clock tomorrow

with another report.

You watch TV, Dennis?

I do, I watch it all the time.

I'm an ardent fan of
the five o'clock news.

How interesting.

It's under the phone book.

- Yeah?
- Dennis.

Ramon just ran
out of here like a madman.

He got a call
and the next thing I know,

he grabs a green dodge
off the lot and vanishes.

Don't worry, I'll find him.

Last night on TV, I saw--

I don't care what you saw.

Ramon!

Ramon.

To hell with you.

Just get that thing.

Connelly, Connelly!

Why did you do that?

You should let me kill that pimp.

Come on.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Hello?

What?

Who is this?

How about that?

My first obscene phone call.

10th one today.

It's that TV report, I guess.

Just leave it off the hook.

Listen, you, I'd like you to--
oh...

Mr Findley.

No, I had an emergency.

Yes, I heard you,

but you can't fire me.

I hold a civil service job
and I'll fight you.

One of my wives
happens to be a lawyer.

See you in court, Findley.

Hey, Dennis, you're out of sight.

You told him off
just on account of me.

Nobody ever had so much faith in me, man.

I don't have any faith in you, Ramon.

Findley's, right.
You nearly killed that guy.

Come on, Dennis.

He was trying to get
my old lady into the game,

you know what I mean?
What could I do?

Killing is not the answer.

What is the answer?

Come on, I wanna know the answer.

What are you gonna do now, Ramon?

Yeah, Dennis.

What am I gonna do now?

I don't know.

You're not gonna get reported
to your parole officer

because I'm your parole officer.

You still got your job,
which is more than I can say.

Hey, Dennis, we got some problems.

We gotta find you a job.

Don't worry about it, man.
I'm gonna get on it right away.

Hello?

I was just going to phone you.

Can't you tell me on the phone?

Okay.

Chris wants us to meet her at Sandor's.

You're what?

I'm pregnant.

Well, a lot of people are, you know?

That's how we all got here.

It's wonderful, Chris.

Well, isn't it?

Of course, it is.

Congratulations, Chris.

Maybe Chris doesn't want it.

Of course, she wants it.

Now look, you can't decide that.

It's her body, not yours.

I don't know.

Hey, you want a baby,
don't you, Sandor?

I don't know any.
What are they like?

What about you Phil?

I gotta get used to the idea.

Chris has to get used
to a lot more than that.

But it kind of turns me on.

Well, it kind of turns me off.

Okay, I've decided
I'd like to have a baby.

Great, it'll be a medical first.

Hey, now we're forgetting
about the one who really counts.

What do you think?

I agree with Phil.

He should have a baby.

Would you like to have mine?

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

Chris, who's the father?

What's the difference?

You know, Chris may be
the one having the baby,

but you know who's gonna
end up taking care of it?

Me.

Come on, the fathers
are gonna help, too.

Yeah, you be sure and tell him that.

Look, there's both of us.

Why can't we be mothers?

Not me.

When I decide to become a mother,
I'm gonna choose the time and the place,

and I won't mind taking
care of my own kid.

Jan, come on,
we'll all help with the baby.

Sure, Elaine.
That's what you went to law school for.

To learn how to change diapers.

Listen, this kid is gonna
be so smart that in a month,

he'll be changing his own.

Wonder which one of us is the father.

Maybe it's best if we don't know.

I mean,
if we really have a group thing,

then we've all got to be responsible.

I'm not sure
she should go through with it.

Well, I think Elaine is right.

It's up to Chris to decide.

I mean, if we force her into it,
it might mess up her head.

It could work out fine.

I mean, who knows?

Maybe we want more kids in time.

The only thing is, in the
waiting room with the hospital,

how are we gonna explain
ourselves to the other fathers?

We'll just say she's having triplets.

Sandor, you are devastatingly handsome.

And humble.

I think I have morning sickness.

Cheer up, the afternoon comes quickly.

- Can I get you anything?
- No, thank you.

The other bathroom isn't working,
it's flooded.

In fact, I'm not working.

Do we have any Alka-Seltzer?

- Ah, damn thing.
- Move over.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

I'm trying to shampoo my hair.

Do you mind moving over
so I can use the sink?

Just a second.

All I wanted was an Alka-Seltzer.

That's not like you.

I thought you knew your capacity.

I do, but I always fall down
before I reach it.

The way you drink,
you've got to expect the hangover.

It has nothing to do with my drinking.

I felt wonderful when I went to bed.

It's that goddamn sleep
that gives you the headache.

Good morning.

- What's so good about it?
- Well, things could be worse.

Ugh, I've got soap in my eyes.

Jan, hand me a towel.

The shower shut off.

The power went off.

I forgot to mail a goddamn check.

That's great,
how do I take this Alka-Seltzer?

- Chew it.
- Ugh.

God, not now.
I took a laxative last night.

Oh, God, what a mess.

This is broken, too.

Ugh, here it is.

GO HOME PERVERTS
Oh, Jan.

Oh.

Well what are we gonna do?

First, the obscene phone calls
and now this!

We clean it up, of course.

Don't let the bastards grind you down.

MOVE OUT
Savages!

Oh, yeah?
Well, same to you.

Maybe we should change the number.

Maybe we should change our address.

What are we going to do?

Move every time someone
spits on the front walk?

I say we stay and take a stand.

Let's make it a real one.

Let's get married officially
by a justice of the peace.

How can we do that?
It's illegal.

I don't feel like a criminal,
and I'm not hurting anyone.

Would we be arrested?

You bet, and I'll see to it personally.

We ought to be able to live our lives
the way we want.

We'll make it a test case.

We'll take it all the way
to the Supreme Court if we have to.

That's a long way.

Remember that old
Chinese proverb, Sandor?

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step.

Let's start walking.

Hi, Phil.
Must have dozed off.

Like hell you did.
You got a chick in there.

You know the rules, Kirby,
and I'm not covering up for you anymore.

Come on, kid.
Get your clothes on and get out of here.

Big deal, he was just a guy
I met on the beach.

Does that make it alright?

Well, it was alright when I met you.

- Well, I'm pissed, too.
- Why?

You don't own me.

How do you feel
when I was with Sandor or Phil?

That's different.

Well, I'd feel funny about making it
with somebody else now.

So would I.

Well, I don't.

Look, I thought this thing of ours
was supposed to be free.

A marriage is a marriage.

Even this one.

I know.

But I can't help it.

I gotta be free.

Will we ever find someone else?

Do you, Chris, Elaine, and Judy,

take Sandor, Dennis, and Phil,

to be your lawfully wedded husbands,

in sickness and in health,
for richer or poorer,

for as long as you all shall live?

I do.

I do.

I do.

Do you Sandor, Dennis, and Phil,

take Chris, Elaine, and Judy

to be your lawfully wedded wives

in sickness and in health,
for richer or poorer,

for as long as you all shall live?

- I do.
- I do.

I do.

And do you, Rodney and Randy,
take each other

in sickness and in health,
for richer or poorer,

for as long as you both shall live?

I do.

I do.

By the authority vested in me
by the State of California,

I now pronounce you husbands and wives.

And by the same authority,

I now pronounce you married.

Darlin' companion

Come on and give me understandin'

And let me be your champion

The hand to hold your pretty hand in

Darlin' companion

Now you know you'll never be abandoned

Love will always light our landin'

I can depend on you

Darlin' companion

Heaven knows where we'll be landin'

Just as long as we keep laughin'

Keep in mind just what we're havin'

Darlin' companion

I tell the mountains and the canyons

As long as I got legs to stand on

I'm gonna run to you

Darlin' companion

Come on and give me understandin'

And let be your champion

The hand to hold your pretty hand in

Darlin' companion

Now you know you'll never be abandoned

Love will always light our landin'

I can depend on you

Darlin' companion

Heaven knows where we'll be landin'

Just as long as we keep laughin'

Keep in mind just what we're havin'

Darlin' companion

I tell the mountains and the canyons

As long as I got legs to stand on

I'm gonna run to you

Darlin' companion

Come on and give me understandin'

And let me be your champion

The hand to hold your pretty hand in

Darlin' companion

And now you know you'll
never be abandoned

Love will always light our landin'

I can depend on you

Hold it.

Oh, for God's sakes, Chris,
not now.

- You gotta get to the hospital.
- Leave me alone.

Alright.

- Okay, try it now.
- Come on.

You wanna have it in the car?

Darlin' companion

I tell the mountains and the canyons

As long as I got legs to stand on

I'm gonna run to you

As long I got legs to stand on

I'm gonna run to you

THE END