All language subtitles for The.New.Adventures.of.Old.Christine.S05E19.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[humming "Camptown Races"]

♪ Doo dah, doo dah ♪

[humming]

BOTH [in harmony]:
♪ Oh, the doo dah day. ♪

Ah, hey.

What?

We have

really good harmony.

Yeah, we do.

We're like the Jonas Brothers.

Right?
Mm-hmm.

Well, what do you have
going on today?

Uh, work, of course, but first,
I'm going to give blood,

and then I have a meeting
with my financial advisor.

[laughs]

[both laughing]

Yeah, I got nothing.

Well, not nothing.

I'm taking my Prius in
for a tune-up,

so that's something.

You should get them
to check out that mystery smell.

Oh, it was an old
egg salad sandwich

in the glove compartment.

Mystery solved.

[toilet flushing]

So, uh, I've got patients
all morning,

but do you want to meet
for lunch at our place?

Ooh, I love that
we have a place.

You know, I've never had a
place with a guy before,

unless you count Richard and
I at the marriage counselor.

Oh, thank you, sir.

You're welcome, madam.

Oh.

You know what's nice?

Hmm?

This.

Us.

So comfortable.

[laughs]

I'm happy.

Look at us.

We're like one of those
way-too adorable couples

in an erectile
dysfunction commercial.

Mm.

BOTH:
♪ Oh, the doo dah day. ♪

Mmm.
Oh, come on.

Not in the kitchen.

I eat expired food
in here.

Oh, relax.

There's nothing
going on.

Now, but last night
we had it going on.

Ew. I don't like
when I'm that guy.

I don't know.

That guy was pretty
good last night.

Ew.

Yeah.

Hmm?
Bye.

See you later.

What?

I knew you guys
were doing it.

I can always tell.

Wow. That's a superpower that
must come in handy never.

You guys have quite
a thing going.
Yeah.

It's comfortable.
It's nice. It's calm.

Ooh. Comfortable. Calm.

Sexy.

It issexy.
We have a nice routine.

I even go to the bathroom
in front of him.

I don't think you
know what sexy means.

No, she does.

Bathroom stuff can be sexy.

Real sexy.

What in the hell
is wrong with you?

My girlfriend's
18 months pregnant.

Everything else seems real sexy
by comparison.

Eating this cereal
is like a Cinemax movie.

Mmm.

Well, anyway, for once
in my life, I'm without drama.

Well, that's nice.

You deserve it.
Hmm.

Well, you don't,
but it's still nice.

Oh, my life is
in a good place, too.

No drama, no surprises.

Oh, that reminds me. I
can't live with you anymore.

What are you talking about?

I'm moving back in
with New Christine.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

You know we signed a lease.

I can't afford the apartment
all by myself.

Well, you can always
move back in with me.

I'm sorry, but New
Christine and I

are having a baby
together, remember?

We just bought a hibachi
together, remember?

I mean, we were going
to grill shrimp

on the balcony together,
remember?

We were going
to grill so many things.

You can always move
back in with me.

Sorry. Baby beats hibachi.

Yeah. Matthew's about
to beat Richard.

Move back in with me.

I'll help you find
a new roommate.

It's an apartment
by the beach.

It's not gonna be difficult.

Me. Me. Me, me, me.

No, no, no.
Me.

No, no.
Me, me, me.

No, no,
no, no...
Me, me, me...

Are you Ms. Campbell?

Oh.

Um, yeah.

I only ate two donuts.

Okay, well, I have
one in my purse.

Okay, I have
two in my purse.

Okay, I ate three.

You can have
all the donuts you want.

I ate five.

The service department
just brought

your paperwork over to me,

and I notice
that your lease is up.

Oh, no, no, no. I have
a five-year lease.

Right. It's been five years.

What?!

No, that's not possible.

I bought this car
right after my divorce.

What?!

Have I been divorced
for five years?

What?!

Did I really
just eat five donuts?

Well, time
and donuts go fast.

Not this fast.

I bought this car

to symbolize the start
of big changes in my life.

Where are the big changes?

Wow. I've accomplished nothing.

I'm a big fat failure.

Admit it, I'm a
big fat failure.

I'm not going to admit that.

Five years really
isn't that long.

Most people don't change
that much in that time.

Why? What were you
doing five years ago?

Five years.

Yeah, that's what
I said-- five years.

No, that's what
I was doing-- five years.

In Chino State
for jury tampering.

See? Well, everyone changes.

God, this blows.

I'm still
in the same crappy house,

I own the same crappy gym,

Richard's moving back in
with New Christine, which means,

I'm going to be the same
crappy Old Christine forever?

Just admit it.

I don't know any of
this stuff, ma'am.

I just know that you have
two days left for your lease,

and they sent me out here

to see if I can put you
in a beautiful new car.

No. You know what?

I have two days
to make something happen.

And I promise you,
when I come back here,

you're going
to see a whole different person.

Someone who has done something.

Great. Well, when you come back,
don't forget to ask for Jasper.

Oh, thank you. I will, Jasper.

Oh, I'm not Jasper.

Thank you.

Uh, we'll be in touch.

In hell!

What was wrong with that guy?

He was playing pocket pool

the entire time
he was talking to me.

When did that become
a bad thing?

Ugh! All these people
are psychos and freaks.

I'll never find
a roommate.

Because you expect
too much.

"He smells."

"He's wearing a hockey mask."

"She had a parrot
on her shoulder."

Maybe you're just too picky.

Picky? I have two criteria:

the room shouldn't
smell like you after you leave,

and don't kill me in my sleep.

[knocking on door]

Hi. I'm Ken.

I'm here about the ad.

All right, Ken,
before you come in,

I've had to disqualify people
today for the following reasons.

Please let me know if any
of these apply to you.

All right. Do you
have an evil twin?

Is there anything I
must see on YouTube?

We you ever fired
from a carnival?

Are you now or have you
ever been an adult baby?

Wow. You've been meeting a lot
of weirdoes, huh?

Yeah, you have no idea.

Well, um, I'm pretty normal.

Uh, actually, you wouldn't see
that much of me

'cause I'm on the road
about three weeks a month.

I'm a swimsuit model
photographer.

Ah, swimsuit model
photographer.

Weird. Thanks anyway.

No. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Come on. Come on in.

Oh, you have
a great place.

Thanks.

Oh. Decent kitchen.

I'm a big cook.
I hope you don't mind.

Mind? No. We've been eating
ramen noodles for four months.

I sweat chicken flavor.

I was going to be a chef.

I went to culinary school.

But don't worry.
I clean up after myself.

I'm a bit of a neat freak.

[gasping]

Are you crying?

Well, I think we've heard
everything we need to.

We're sorry to waste your
time, but as it turns out,

this place is already taken,
but thanks for coming.

Taken? Richard,
can I talk to you?

Uh, Ken, do you mind waiting
in the hallway

for just a minute?
It's a very nice hallway.

It's haunted.

It's not haunted.

Uh, please don't leave.

Oh, and one question.

Would you ever borrow
another person's toothbrush?

I did it once.

I would rather kill myself.

Oh, please don't leave.

Max,

what are we doing?

What are we doing?
It's Wednesday.

We're splitting Lo Mein.

Yeah, exactly.

And it's the same thing
every Wednesday.

And then tomorrow's Thursday,

which means
I'm gonna sleep at your house,

and you'll make pasta,

and we'll eat it in your bed,

and I'll spill wine
on your expensive duvet,

and you'll pretend
it doesn't bother you.

Right. Thursday, which is why
I have a Thursday duvet.

But everything's the same
all the time.

Nothing ever changes.

Well, we like comfortable,
remember?

Yeah, that was before I talked
to the guy who wasn't Jasper.

Who's Jasper?

I said he wasn'tJasper.

Do you know that I've had
the same car for five years?

Wow, that's a lot
of Filet-O-Fish wrappers

for only five years.

And what have I accomplished
in five years?

I don't know. You met me.

Ugh.

Ugh?

No. I didn't mean
it like that.

It's just...

It's like everybody is
moving forward except me.

Richard's having a new baby.

Barb became a U.S. citizen.

Matthew became a doctor.

Well, not a real doctor.

A psychologist.

Right, a psychologist, like me.

Ugh. And here we are.

At the same place,
at the same table,

you know, standing still

while life is just
passing us by.

So what do you suggest we do?

We need forward motion.

We need to shake
up our universe.

I can't let another five years
go by without some big change.

All right.

You want change?
I'll give you change.

Really?

Christine

I-don't-know-your-middle-name
Campbell...

...will you marry me?

Marry you?

[laughs]

Max. Of course not.

Sit.

Sit in your
chair. My God.

Max, you weren't serious,
were you?

No. No.

I just wanted
to humiliate myself

in front of Chinese people.

Well, I'm sorry, but it was
just so out of the blue.

Well, not really.

I've been thinking about it.

I-I hadn't planned
to do it here.

I probably would have picked
a more romantic spot

than Mr. Tung's
Dumpling Hut, but...

But the way you were going on
about change,

it seemed like you were ready.

Yeah. When I said change,
I meant like cutting bangs

or sleeping
with Denzel Washington.

I can't believe I kneeled
on a pot sticker for you.

Well, listen, I have done
the marriage thing,

and it wasn't great.

And I don't want to do it again.

It's so stupid.

And really, at our age...

Got it. Got it.
The answer's no.

I heard you the first time.

Everybody heard you
the first time. Thank you.

Well, I'm sorry
that I started this whole thing.

Let's just go back
to the way things were.

The way things were.
Absolutely.

That sounds great.
Don't worry, folks,

we're going back
to the way things were.

Why are you trying
to get rid of Ken?

Oh, so now it's Ken!

Yeah... it's always been Ken,

ever since we met him
four minutes ago.

I'm just not getting
a good vibe from Ken.

Swimsuit model photographer?

[scoffs]
What kind of man
objectifies women?

You do-- they named a sandwich
after you at Hooters.

Boy, what's with you?

Why do you like all the freaks,
and then when

the perfect guy comes along,
you think he's all wrong.

I mean, don't you
want me to be happy?

Of course I do.

I just want you to be
slightly less happy than me.

It's like this much less,
not a lot.

I can't believe you're so petty

you don't want me
to be as happy as you,

and you're the one
who's leaving.

It's totally irrational.

I'm gonna tell Ken
he can move in.Wait.

Richard, the hallway
is not haunted.

No, not that.

[sighs]
This isn't easy to admit...

but...

living with you
these past few months...

has been awesome.

Don't get me wrong,

I'm happy to be moving back in
with New Christine,

but that means this is
the last bro-partment
I'll ever be in.

For you,

there will be so many
more bro-partments.

Stop saying "bro-partment."

All I'm saying is
that when I'm old...

You are already old.

...I'm gonna
look back on this time

as a high point of my life.

Saddest sentence ever.

And I was just hoping
that what we had here...

[sighs]
meant as much to you
as it meant to me.

It's stupid, I know.

Go, be with Ken.

Okay.

I've had...

the time of my life.

Our time in the...

bro-partment...

was epic and bro-tastic

and...

[pops lips]

...no one will
ever bro-place you.

I love you, too.

That is not what I said.

And you should feel free
to live with whoever you want.

[clears throat]

Hey, guys, sorry
to interrupt.

Uh... I'm not gonna
take the apartment.

I could hear you
through the door.

You guys belong
together.

I told you
he was weird.

Stop hugging me.

So,

I decided I'm going
to turn in my Prius today.

Yeah, why not, right?

I mean, it's silly
to mark time by a car lease.

Well, you should do
what you want to do.

You know,
you always do.

And you love that
about me, right?

Ah, I could take
it or leave it.

Okay, what?
What's wrong?

'Cause this-this
feels different.

What's wrong?
Yes.

[spits]

I feel rejected
and embarrassed.

I know you feel that way all
the time, but it's new for me.

You get used to it.

You're right,
I will get used to it.

We don't have to get married;
we can just date

for the rest of our lives, like
my bachelor aunts in Florida.

I didn't say that
I wanted to date forever.

So you want
to break up?

Because those are
our two options,

Christine, date or break up.

No. I just want things to...
be the same.

So even though

you were complaining
about not moving forward

and how you wanted change,

when it comes right down to it,
you're all talk.

No, I'm not all talk--
sometimes I'm all action.

You get Denzel Washington
here right now, I'll show you.

Fine, you want things
exactly the way they are,

that's fine, you know?

Some people are
afraid of change.

By the way, I'm not
real comfortable with that.

What? Why?
It's just pee.

[sighs]:
Not always.

Welcome to Toyota.

Can I... Oh, boy.

Hi. I don't know
if you remember me,

but, uh, I was here
the other day...

Yesterday.

And, um,

I said that I was off
to make some changes,

which didn't really materialize.

I see you're wearing
the same shirt as yesterday.

For example.

But I think that I'm ready
to get a new car.

Which just goes to show you
I do not fear change--

so you were wrong about me.

No, I stand by everything I said
about you in the break room.

So...

what are we looking at?

Can I interest you
in a Sienna,

a Venza, maybe
a Highlander hybrid?

Uh...

I don't know, maybe.

Ooh. Ooh, I like

that car over there.

The silver Prius?
Yeah.

That's your old car.

What?

God, what did you do, wash it?

Oh, maybe I should
get a new Prius.

Well, great.

And, you know,
there have been

some exciting new features added
since you leased your car.

XM Satellite Radio,

voice-activated
navigation system,

intelligent
parking assist.No, I like my car

exactly the way it is.

Do you have something like that,

with the same color
and interior?

Yes. Your car.

Perhaps we should just
extend your lease.

Yeah, but I want change;
I'm not afraid.

So let's get you
into a new car.

Uh, I don't want change.

[whispers]:
I'm afraid.

Okay, there's nothing
wrong with that.

Some people want to go through
life like Indiana Jones,

while others are happier
being Regarding Henry.

I put Harrison Ford in
a Tundra truck last month.

Oh. Yeah, I see your point.

Yeah, in a way,
I'm kind of like Indiana Jones.

No, you're
Regarding Henry.

What?

Didn't he get shot in the head
and suffer brain damage?

Yeah.

You see,

Indiana Jones has a lot
of fun and adventures,

but gets beat up a lot,
which isn't for everyone.

Regarding Henry just finds
a nice level of happiness

that he's comfortable with,

and learns to read at
a third-grade level.

Yeah, that sounds nice.

But maybe it's time

that I took some chances.

Does this mean...?Yeah, I think I'm ready
to take the next step

in my relationship with Max.

Sure. Why would I think
we're talking about cars?

And I am gonna get
this red Prius

with the navigation
system and the TV

in the steering wheel!Yeah, we don't
do that.

Boy, you got to admit
that's a good idea, though.

I will not admit that.

Yes!

Yes what?

Yes, I will marry you.

I didn't ask you.

Yes, you did. Yesterday.

And you said no,
so that offer's off the table.

I decided you were right--
what we have is great.

Well, I decided you were right--
what we have sucks.

We should get married.

What happened to you?

I'm going through the change.

Ugh! I figured.

You know, you're
always hot when I'm cold...

No, no, no, not that change.

I'm changing my life.

Although, wow,
it is hot in here, right?

I got a red Prius today.

It's all new and different,
and I love it.

And I love you.

So yes.

Again, no one's asking.

Okay. Really, I do,
I understand.

You're hurt... and rejected.

So...

Ow! Ooh!

God, something just popped.What are you...

what are you doing?

Will you marry me?

No! Get up.

No, I'm not gonna get up
until you say you'll marry me.

You wanted to;
you asked me yesterday.

How could your feelings
have changed in one day?

Yoursdid!

Do you really not
want to marry me?

I don't... want you to ask me.

Oh. Okay, then you ask me.

[groans]
But I can't get up.

Seriously, something bad
has just happened to my knee.

Christine...

still-don't-know-your-
middle-name Campbell...

against all my better judgment,
professional training

and the advice of both
our waiter and our busboy...

...I'm asking...

will you marry me?

No.

I'm kidding. Yes!

[laughing]

Mmm.

[laughs]:
So, this...

how is this gonna work?

Oh. Well, um, I don't think
we should change everything

just because
we're engaged.

I mean, I think I should
still sleep at your place

on Tuesdays and Thursdays
when Ritchie's with his dad.

Yeah, and I'd like
to stick with our
Chinese food Wednesdays.

Yeah, I don't want a ring.I don't want
to buy you one.

And let's not
tell people.

God, no, no. People
would think I was crazy.

Uh... if I understand
this, we're...

we're just gonna do
exactly what we're doing now.

Yes. Except
we're engaged.
[laughs]

We're engaged!
[laughs]

Great, now no one cares.

So, as you can see,
the apartment's small,

but it's near the beach.I like cozy--
and you have a balcony.

I can finally
get rid of my tan lines.

Oh. And I can finally
get rid of my binoculars.

[laughs]

You're funny.
I like funny.

I'm funny.

Oh, I'm going
to school at night,

so if it's okay, I
might bug you to help
me with my homework.

Oh, what are you studying?Massage.

The balcony's haunted.

Richard!

Dude, we bought
a hibachi.

You know what, let's discuss
this in the hallway, please.

Uh...

Uh...

Welcome to the neighborhood.