All language subtitles for We.Are.Skateboarders.A.Mental.Health.Transformation.2025.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.GG - YTS.BZ]

But you're still too young, man. You can't do all that yet – you can't even see the big picture.

Downloaded from
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Picture, man.

(Skateboard rolls)

Official YIFY movies site:
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(cheerful music)

Nice.

It's not her crimson lips.

Willie Sanchez.

Or

My film "We Are Skateboarders" was indeed a very

The much-discussed skateboard documentary was actually

the second most-watched skateboard documentary

directly below Dogtown and the Z-Boys.

It was, uh, definitely not

Commercial success. Uh,

I believe I earned at most $25,000 over time.

The last 16 years since its release in November

2010.

Her evil love. Her evil love. Her evil love. Yes.

You hear it in therapy, in the field of mental health, or when trying to re-evaluate things.

How do you define success, for example?

I, for example, travel all over the place, back and forth, here and there.

So, how I messed it up.

It's not that devilish smile or that pitch-black black.

Her

or houses that are ready to burn down.

But the truth is that over time I have to accept the following:

One area where I have significantly improved is the fact that

I suffered from an undiagnosed bipolar disorder.

With their evil ways. With their love. Their wickedness.

Love. Her evil love.

I don't think this is a typical textbook quote, but I would describe it as undiagnosed.

Bipolar disorder – an emotional and mental tyrant.

You know, that actually applies to me, and what I've experienced is this:

The best way to put it.

(laughs)

Devilish.

Damn right, dude. I love you, dog.

Seriously.

It's not her crimson lips.

It's really annoying, because when I look back on this experience, I

I feel nothing but hatred.

Um, not just because of experience in general, but actually with regard to

Myself. Um, very, very serious.

Resentment and anger that I left

behind everyone I have ever loved

being surrounded by professional skateboarders, whom I normally...

Film for one or two days and then never see each other again.

One day, about five months ago, I was in therapy and I was

Something like: “Jack, well, I, uh, I can’t anymore…”

"I've been nurturing this for 15 years." You know? I mean, I've been nurturing this for 15 years.

I repressed it for 15 years.

How,

But when I tell you this in the session, you'll know, it's simply free thinking.

And then I fire, and I start crying so hard that I can't anymore.

even be legible.

So I thought: Okay, I'll write it out in an essay.

The entire experience, just for you, so you can read it.

And then we continued talking. And it worked.

It helped. It triggered a whole chain reaction.

Revelations.

Skateboarding is one of the few things that are still real in this world, and

We are skateboarders.

(Wheels roll)

It only got better when I placed this great deal of trust in the therapy.

And, uh, you know, I think here's a really good example.

So I had this diary, this little diary, and, um, I

would take the diary, um, any

Tag

I went to a CVS pharmacy and sat down in the alley behind it.

and I would record my psychotic thoughts in a diary.

Like,

You know, I was repeatedly in a psychotic state and simply in a

persistent state of manic depression.

Um, what breaks my heart is that I did exactly that.

On my 19th birthday. You know, roughly, and during

In therapy, I'm working very hard to never look back in anger again.

or with sadness or even self-pity, along the lines of: I never want to again

Look back and remember how that felt.

As always, you know? Um,

But

That was before I finally started publishing anything.

Everything I held onto for 15 years because I simply couldn't bear it.

Not anymore. And I think since I

I had this thought about how I approach looking at myself.

Then, um, through the lens I have now, uh,

Sixteen years later, it was actually something like the beginning of

everything.

When I was 17, my mother took me to see a medium.

And back then, you know, I would have done anything with it, or

For my mother. And so I did it, exactly as the medium had told me.

I wanted to make a skateboarding film that would change the world.

World. And although by no means

I made a skateboarding documentary, We Are Skateboarders, which...

World, um, I think that

I had the opportunity to make this film because I had this medium.

And it took me a long time to say those words.

Something bigger than you, you understand?

It's as if you were part of the culture, as if you were part of the

People around you.

For me, the motivation of every skateboarder is learning a new trick.

whether it's about learning a 5-0 on a mini ramp or about learning

Do a Switch 360 heel flip. You know, something like that.

The essential thing is to find this joy in progress, because there is

There's nothing else like it. You know, money can't buy something like this.

That surpasses all fame and fortune,

Status. Uh... Having a Pro model. I mean, just that.

the feeling that skateboarding gives you, the feeling of that achievement, you

You know? And when you roll away, um, it's an incredibly great feeling.

of the world.

Oh no! (Happy music)

(Skateboards roll)

Was

What the hell?

Are you trying to threaten me?

Stay back, we're skateboarding.

The

What are you looking at? To most of society, that makes absolutely no sense.

(Skateboards roll) Nobody should

to be present on this property in any way.

(Skateboards roll) And then there's us.

Skaters for whom it makes perfect sense,

where, uh, it's simply a different world.

It's a place where you can escape from everyday life. And it's a place for

You and your friends, to escape together.

It makes absolutely no logical sense what skaters are doing, grinding on edges, jumping.

Gaps down. I mean, it looks cool, but it also feels great and

It transports you directly into the moment like nothing else.

And it reminds you that you are alive.

I think that between what she had said and what she had already flown, I am thinking of the situation that lay between what she had said and the current flying.

with delusions of grandeur and... Because that is actually a very common thing.

Symptom of bipolar disorder. Um, I just...

When I watched it back then, it was as if something suddenly happened in my head, like: "What?"

"What would you do if you couldn't fail?", you know?

When my best friend went home that summer,

I simply said to myself: "I will become a

A skateboard documentary that should be sold worldwide

DVD, and I will see it through to the end and

"I don't care what happens to me." In the end, I lived with a very, very

Sweet mother and daughter, um, in a small house

in Los Angeles. And very, very slowly but surely

started approaching skateboarders.

Um, I just went to skate shops and told them that I wanted

to film with them and "I have an idea for a documentary film".

It all started, uh, on Santa Monica Boulevard.

and Olympic Boulevard. My memory is so bad, I don't remember if it was a

Whether it's a shitty boulevard or a street, I don't care.

So it was actually Alec Beck who tried that.

Classic wallride to the frontboard. And, uh, one of the

On each of the seven days I was filming, this guy just rolled up.

The hill. Oh man. Rest in peace, Curt Stevenson.

I love you, brother. And, um,

He just rolls down the hill and is holding a damn TransWorld magazine.

And the reason he was holding it was because it contained an article about

his father. Could you, uh, could you please send another payment now?

Alter?

Look, your blackmail tactics might work elsewhere, my friend.

But they will have to work here too.

Otherwise, I would have to call you seven times just to receive a single payment.

Alter.

Hold onto.

The first thing Curt said to me, probably even before greeting me, was whether I had ever heard of him.

My father's magazine from the late 80s called Power Edge.

I told him no, and then he asked me if I had ever heard of Rick Kosick from Jackass.

And I said yes. He brought me a shoebox full of issues of the magazine.

I owned old Power Edge magazines, and it was the best magazine I ever had.

saw. For so many of the world's legendary skaters, guys like Tony

Hawk, Danny Way, Lance Mountain, Mike Vallely, they have their very

First skateboard photos in a Power Edge magazine.

We drove around for a bit. He explained to me how he recovered from his illness.

his past. "Have you ever done a Batman appearance?" he asked.

"What?" I said. "Have you ever done a Batman performance?"

"Just answer the question." "No." And he did.

He jerked the handbrake on and let the wheels spin, causing the car to do a 180-degree turn in a flash.

to the other side of the street. It was raining, and that was by far the worst part.

The most dangerous thing I've ever done in my life, let alone with someone I'd only known for a short time.

one hour.

Look, Makaha came up with the kicktail.

Yes.

What do you want from me? What do you want from Makaha? What do you need?

You need innovation? Go back, what's that? 50 years?

Okay, let's go back 45 years and see what people were doing back then.

And they're even better designed, I'm sorry.

And that's not because he's your father, but simply because it's the truth.

Curt had to deal with many problems that I could never really identify with, but

His biggest problem, which I fully understood, was that his father, Larry

Stevenson-

When I see double.

I see that you are standing by my side in two ways. You are taking me.

page. I can't so much

Lie.

You're taking my side. Give me

My pride is back.

Larry Stevenson is not only the original publisher of Power Edge magazine, but also the

He is the creator of Makaha skateboards, but he is also the reason why skateboards are not

No longer flat. Larry Stevenson patented it in 1971.

Kick Tail.

I'm not very good at lying.

In my opinion, Curt tried to save his father from Parkinson's disease by bringing him back.

He brought his old magazine back to life, and I wanted to help him.

You're on my side. Give me back my pride.

Right at that moment, I swear, he just said:

He told me all about Power Edge and said something like:

"Would you like to become editor-in-chief of this magazine?" So I was

Something like: "Yes, of course." Do you understand?

And I wrote home and immediately wrote an essay entitled

Alive, and, um, that's what it was all about the whole time.

I felt alive, but the difference between living and feeling alive – and I made it happen.

him, and he loved it and, uh, you know, in

his own way.

(laughs) Of course there was also Spencer, the graphic designer at Power Edge, who

He learned a new meaning of patience when he dealt with a 19-year-old who explained to him how

to create a magazine. And Romano, the editor, who did all

His greatest wish in life was to interview Mike V., which he did, and we included it in the...

Magazine. I love Romano more than anything, but he was even crazier than me and

Curt.

The only sport where falling down is accepted…

Skateboarding is just skateboarding, damn it. Think about it, it's totally okay.

When you roll. I mean, in hockey you fight, but

Skateboarding...

Damn right, Romano. (Instrumental music begins) The craziest thing about the whole thing

The problem is that I didn't receive a single cent for creating the magazine until the third day.

There was a problem when I asked for $300 a month if they wanted me to

on. After about three months of working for the magazine, I

I contacted Jake Brown through Power Edge's MySpace profile, and he was totally thrilled.

for Power Edge. We met at the Roosevelt Hotel on the Hollywood Strip, and then

One night it seemed as if all the doors suddenly opened for me.

After receiving sponsorship from Power Edge magazine regarding skateboarding…

and the skateboard industry, uh, and my ability to simply

I couldn't approach a professional skateboarder or call him; I had no way to do so.

The problem is basically that I can't get a single job interview that I want.

professional skateboarder

Legends or the most popular boy of the time.

(Rock music plays)

Welcome back to Daily Habit, presented by Verizon Wireless.

Guest presenter Will Tan is here with filmmaker and editor Ben Duffy and professional skateboarder Sammy.

Baptista. Welcome to the show. Yes. Welcome back, Sammy. Thank you for the invitation.

How are you? Good.

Yes, Man.

Cool, cool. So, we're here to, um, talk a little bit about your new film "We Are".

Skateboarder.

Perfect.

Okay. No, thank you. Just...

Okay.

Skateboarding is a crime.

Back then, there were only five kids in my high school who

He went ice skating. It wasn't anything cool. Well, that's exactly why it was cool, because you...

Do something else.

Oh, perfect. (laughs) No problem.

I use it in my butt crack.

Circumstantial evidence. Face in my

Spirit. Trial without a jury.

The tails on the shirt.

Where?

Just because you have penises on your t-shirt doesn't mean you're gay.

Just because you take a picture with a gay man doesn't mean you're queer.

And if... you know what? I'd rather hang out with a gay guy than with a fucking...

Athletes, anytime. I'm sorry. It'll stop you.

Murdering people deters you from breaking into houses.

It doesn't stop you, it just forces you to do things.

less. (laughs) Believe me, it is

It's not a cure-all, but it's damn good.

helps.

Oh! (Soft music plays) It still helps so much.

I'm giving you this support and this kind of appreciation, along the lines of: "Everything's okay." Yes.

Yes, yes. "Someone's behind this. Let's do it." Something like that.

Jake Brown said: "Oh, I'm totally into Power Edge," you know?

And then I met him – wonderful. ... and then that night at the Hotel Rosa,

For example, I interviewed Sean Sheffey, Griff Berg, and Colin McKay. Completely unexpectedly.

And I met Rob Dyrdek that evening, and I said, "Rob, you want..."

"Do you want to join?" He replied: And everyone joined in.

He said something like, "Dude, Power Edge, that was one of the greatest things I've ever experienced."

“Life.” Yes. You know? Honestly, it felt like day after day…

I kept getting closer to, uh,

My symptoms worsened significantly during filming.

Not so much from day to day, but noticeably from week to week.

Week. Um, and when you have no idea what's wrong with you.

because you have an undiagnosed bipolar disorder and you have

No one with expertise who could tell you what is actually happening.

Of,

It's incredibly frightening. Seriously, it's absolutely traumatizing.

And I think – and I am neither a psychiatrist nor a therapist – but

I think what makes it even more traumatic is the fact that...

that you're fighting against it. As if you're suppressing all your fear and you're not...

Tell someone about it, you know?

I block it out every day because that's just how it is.

When I pause and think about what the hell I'm feeling and thinking right now, then…

Now I think to myself:

I'm going to curl up in a corner and hide, just drop everything and cry.

wines and wines, and just like

One day I got out of there. I barely ate anything for two years.

So, it was, you know... Oh, you don't go hungry when you

You're holding a camera in your hand. You're hungry when you're finished.

How,

I suppose so. But that's just how it is, what people...

Uh, try to make it sound like it's cool.

But honestly, I'm telling you right now, there was nothing cool about it.

You know, there was once, um, with one of the very first, very few

Skateboarders I became close friends with, really very close;

He was truly like a brother to me.

Um, he just meant something like: "Ben, if you get hungry and you have nothing

Eat enough to be full for the day, some salad and a Snickers, and not...

"Think of everything else." And

It helped. Really, it helped. I believe that

The power of denial of exactly how

If I thought about how hungry I am every day

If the film had been shot all day or at any time on that day, then he would have seen that film.

It was never produced because I simply...

That would have been it, that's what I would have focused on, given how small I was.

Eat.

Have you got it? Have you come far enough yet?

It's on my mind. It's eating away at my spine.

I even set it up for the reverse. See?

I took the pliers.

And I have mine, I have my girlfriend's

I stuffed underwear in as padding (laughs) so I could do a handplant.

(laughs)

In

Danny's underwear.

What do you think will happen?

Ready?

Yes.

I'm thinking more about specific times when

It didn't hurt at all, actually. And that's strange.

Because

For example, uh, one night I was

I'm taking the bus, uh, home from Santa Monica.

Incidentally, I lived on Pico Boulevard, very close to, uh, the whole

Trendy Fairfax district bullshit.

And, um, there was a really nice guy on the bus, and he had a

Skateboard. And uh, Chris actually ended up being my skateboard.

My very first boyfriend in LA,

uh-One

I was at his house that night. (A car drives by.) Uh, he actually lived with me.

His mother back then. You know, we were 19.

His cousin came home and, uh, he was a Crip, and he was like:

"Hey, what's up, dude? What have you been up to?" And he was like:

"Hurtful." And while he said that, he was

Fold his laundry and put it in a chest of drawers.

And

I... Even then, I felt it was so human.

That was a moment I was fortunate enough to experience. It was like: You can do it, great!

A well-trained guy in one of the most dangerous gangs ever.

in America, and he is folding his clothes.

and probably just trying to find inner peace.

all the others. And when I look back,

That is truly a wonderful memory for me.

For example, when I was, um, in Skid Row.

I had just started filming a documentary.

about homeless people. I had told my mother: “Because you sold the house and because

My father is gone, um, I know I'm going to end up homeless.

Me too.” And I wanted to try to feel closer.

I tried to imagine the feelings of homeless people, and therefore told myself: “Every day

I'm not filming for We Are Skateboarders, I'm going downtown.

LA and interview homeless people and simply film in

"Generally speaking." And, um, and I would give them a dollar,

Um, because that was all I had to have enough left over for the trip.

I took the bus home. And, um, you know, I did that for

After about a month I landed in Skid Row and was

I was filming when this guy, this big guy, just walked up to me, pretty

Fast. I just thought, "Oh, shit," and panicked.

And, uh, he just said: "No, no, man."

I don't want to hurt you, but I just wanted to tell you that there's something there.

Those guys down there who told me they were coming to kill and rob you.

"Camera." I just thought, "Oh my God." Like, "Thank you." And then I packed my camera.

Damn it, I quickly put the camera in and then just ran away.

out of Skid Row. And you know how it was back then, when I

Looking back, it's such a beautiful memory for me, because

When I think back on this guy, I only have the best memories.

And the paradox is that…

These are the good memories, and 90% of the memories I have

Half of the filming with the professional skateboarders actually took place.

Painful. For me it was simply like this, (sighs) you

knowledge,

I would be so happy to film them, and especially if they

I landed a trick and filmed it well, and everyone was totally thrilled.

You know, I wasn't the only one who was overjoyed.

It was strange because it wasn't even manic or depressive.

It was as if it were in a state of equilibrium.

Euphoria, just like the feeling, just like all the others

Otherwise, I couldn't care less who you are, what you're going through, or what your

The state is... simply calm, because one has the feeling of having achieved something.

something. And it really was something special and

I would

come back

On the bus on the way home, just like that.

I would say: "I want to fucking kill myself now."

These bus journeys were carried out every day for two people.

Years. I remember, for example, a time when I became ill from

I had a bad stomach infection and tossed and turned in bed as if I...

Phone calls, like searching for someone, a skater, to

Film with me on that day for the documentary.

And honestly, I'm so glad that nobody was able to do it.

Because I would have done it, you know, without hesitation, you know?

And that's exactly it. I'd rather be dead.

I'd rather not be filming for my documentary today. Hmm.

This happened every day. (A bus drives by.) The recurring question: Where to?

Whether skateboarding will catch on may still be a mystery, but one thing is certain:

Sure, skateboarding has changed.

There was a time when YouTube and blank card games were not yet commonplace, and people

Skate shops were indeed supported. It's often said: "There was a

Do you remember the moment you met another skater on the street and an instant connection was formed?

"Even friendships simply because they were figure skaters." But that seems to be the case.

Nowadays it's just a quote. What really happened to

Has skateboarding perhaps become too popular for his own

Good? Where is the soul of

Can you go skateboarding?

Over the years, for example during the third hospital admission of

I was hospitalized twice during my fourth year of life.

23. The first time I was there, I was diagnosed with the following:

I have bipolar disorder and have been hospitalized twice.

28. The first time I was 28, I was in the hospital and

One of the therapists told me that bipolar disorder type 1 is actually

the most difficult mental illness to treat, because it

There's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

You know, I (exhales) like

I rarely drank and maybe coughed once or twice – that was about 40 times in two days.

Years. And

Yes, I smoked weed occasionally. I mean, I was never really...

not so fixated on it or done it so often, but more cannabis than alcohol.

And you know, I had practically none

Female intimacy, uh, the whole time until the last month

Movies. I have a girlfriend, and that

It was just before I moved back to New York.

York.

(Soft music) No matter how many people surrounded me

But in my heart I lived in complete...

Isolation. You know, my parents were...

uh, (laughs)

out of the picture, uh, in their own unique way.

And that's all I'm going to say about it.

But, um,

That's crazy, like, uh... Yeah,

After writing this essay, I had really worked out every detail.

The damned blood and the pain I felt back then, and it was strange because…

A week later I went to my therapist and said, "You know, man, I've realized..."

The

actually like this:

The most painful part is that I didn't include something in the essay.

"Because I've still repressed it." And you

Like I said, my parents no longer played a role, and, um,

I was just thinking...

How,

I was 19 and I was really scared.

And I just thought to myself, "What if one day..."

Just for a moment, I could have a moment where my parents

come together and simply

"Give me a hug at the same time?" Do you understand?

Something like: "I need you right now." Do you understand?

Something like: "I live with an undiagnosed bipolar disorder."

And I am suffering, and I don't think it should be like this.

It is a luxury to, for example, wish for a hug.

"From both parents at the same time." Something like that, you understand?

Just like,

just like

"Stop, stop forgetting me, you know, for just two seconds." You

knowledge?

(Instrumental music plays)

Going out and, and, and messing everything up, you

knowledge?

I need to call security, man. No, dude, you don't.

I just did it again.

Uh, that's not possible.

Breaking things and (laughs) and, uh,

Taking a break, you know, and skating where we're not supposed to skate, and, and, and skating

How we're not supposed to skate.

Finally, another such thought

It's somehow been forgotten. I'm serious, man.

How,

The essay and all the revelations since then – it's as if

At some point I got to the point where I thought, "You know, Jack," something like:

"I wish I had a little more of that."

“This guy”, during the filming of We Are Skateboarders.

Honestly, yes. You know? I was fearless and

I said that over and over again, session after session.

It was like I thought, "Damn, man." I started to miss that.

A version of me, for the first time in 15 years.

And finally, always only

When I look at a photo of myself from that time and feel only contempt or

When people randomly approached me everywhere I went, mostly at the skate park.

and then say something like: "Oh, oh," or: "I saw We Are Skateboarders." Or: "You did...."

“We Are Skateboarders.” And I was like: “Yeah, yeah.”

"Uh." And then I would simply try to

At that moment, you metaphorically run away, you know, and

Just totally weird. (laughs)

You know, I'm trying to change all of this right now, all of it.

emotional pain and so, uh, psychological

Pain. It was quite...

shortly after We Are Skateboarders was released and became successful,

You know, so many prime ministers. Uh, it was sold.

Available worldwide on DVD in excellent condition, and...

We are here in Germany for the premiere of We Are

Skateboarder.

(Camera click)

Well, Dog?

The same.

Yes.

Are you filming? (?)

The

I was just thinking:

You know, I've showered about four times.

Once a week, so normally three times, and, uh, from December until

Damn it, you know, towards the end of summer or something, and I would wear this damn thing.

A green and white swimsuit made of mercury – and I swear, when I look at it, I feel…

Back to the point: I wore this swimsuit for six months.

Absolutely. Even in summer. You know? And if you

Ask my friends from back then, they would say: "That's absolutely true."

"He loved that swimsuit." You know?

Also,

Um, when I travelled to Ireland, I saw a screening of We

Are there skateboarders in Ireland? And I filmed some too.

for the documentary I was working on, um, it was called

Heart Child, which followed We Are Skateboarders.

Um, well yes, we filmed in Ireland, and

I arrive at the airport in New York, uh, and

I just thought: I had the worst groin rash imaginable.

Could you have imagined that? I was burning like fire.

So, (sighs) I called my friend who had herpes, and said something like:

"Dude, do I have herpes?" He said, "No." I said, "Damn, yes, I do."

Something like: "Okay." So, I arrive in Dublin, around

It's 5:30 in the morning and it's unbearable.

Just like, exactly like that

I have to, I have to come up with something right now.

I mean, I'm going to ruin the whole Ireland experience, and everything else too.

Countries we will visit on this trip.

And, uh, I just thought, "Well, (sighs) damn tracing." It always works.

So I turned on the stupid tracing device, and 10 minutes later I felt fine again.

Uh, I threw away the swimsuit, put on some trousers, and then in the end I did the following:

Boneless on a bridge at 7:30 in the morning in

D- in Dublin and, I could easily have gone into the...

I went to the river, and I didn't, and rolled away with a smile on my face.

And that's exactly it, you know?

So, I mean... If someone

would have approached me back then and simply said:

Something like: "What do these words mean to you?"

Regarding "uncertainty" and "external confirmation," I would say:

"What the hell is this crap?" Something like: "Why, why, why would anyone need something like this?"

You know? Something like...

Hmm. The freedom I had back then

felt

It was not a liberation from my mental illness.

It was indeed a feeling of freedom, because

I felt so free

For the first time in two years, I am free from the torment of my mental illness.

For years. I really wanted to tell my therapist this story.

I'm already counting down the minutes.

So I told him this story, and after that I began to feel

We think everything about We Are Skateboarders is great.

And I don't know why, but it immediately came to mind that I wanted to listen to it, Labi.

A Siffre song I love. (Car ride) And, you know, it's

A truly beautiful song, and I think to myself:

Something like: "Hm, I would really like to find that photo of myself doing that."

"The Balancing Act Bridge in Dublin, Ireland." I know it exists; I've seen it.

Thousands of times before. So I keep looking because I wanted to show that I

Therapist. And I searched and searched and searched, but I couldn't find her anywhere.

Then I thought to myself, "Ah, maybe I'll check out my best friend's old Flickr account."

"That must be at least 15 years old. It has to be on there." Well, I couldn't find it.

I searched and searched for it.

I just thought, "Holy shit."

And I found a photo of myself.

About a quarter of the filming for We Are has been completed.

Skateboarder, the first year I became bipolar

disorder and

You know, I just kept listening to the song.

I had just gotten ready for a long car ride, so I got into my car and

I... for some reason, I listened to this song over and over again.

I just thought, "Oh yes, I want to look at that photo again."

I don't know why.

(Instrumental music plays) The lyrics are:

Something like: "Hug me."

Like,

After all these years, I still love you. I need you more than ever.

"I love you for all eternity." And I just sit there,

I was just...

For the first time in 15 years, you know, in the last few years

For months I think, "I wish I had more of him." Do you understand? I really do wish that.

So, you know, in this song lyric, like: "Take me in your arms,"

I

For a moment I thought, "Oh, that reminds me of the time I wished my

My parents could hug me at the same time.” You know?

And I thought, "No, no, no, no, this has nothing to do with my damn parents, does it?"

"Now it's about me." And I wanted to hug him.

That, that, that We Are Skateboarders – me at 19

I've been through all of that. For example, I looked at myself,

like,

Then

Imagine you were a 36-year-old man sitting in my car!

And I just thought, "Oh God. This is too intense. I have to get away."

I have to go. I need to get ready for this trip.

"I'm just going to take off." And I was like: "Ben,

Just smoke a cigarette and sit down. It feels wonderful.

You've waited so long for this.

Honestly, it's one minute and 15 minutes, it's one minute and 15 minutes.

second long

I had listened to the song over and over again and looked at the photo.

As I did it, I cried harder and harder each time.

And, you know, after all that damn whining...

He probably thought to himself, "Okay, then I'll get going now," you know?

When I was on my way, I just thought...

You know, I always told that to Jack, my therapist, and only to him.

Him, that, um, about We Are Skateboarders and

everything I've been through and, you know, living with it

My undiagnosed bipolar disorder and how I messed everything up and all that crap

You know, all these traumas will accompany me throughout my life.

And I never told him, and I

I never said to myself, like, "I'm developing bipolar disorder."

That alone is hard enough. How can I possibly blame that?

The "We Are Skateboarders" version of me, because I've been through what I've been through.

through?"

That's forgiveness, you know? Something like...

Self-compassion. And I just thought, "I did all this on my own."

"Unique." You know? Like:

no parents, no psychiatrists, no therapists, and

After my best friend moved back home, as you know, I didn't have any friends for a very long time.

a long time.

Exactly that type.

I sit alone behind the CVS pharmacy in an alley and write in my diary – psychotically.

Thoughts. And

When I think of that guy today, all I can say is, "I'm proud of you."

Brother."

(Instrumental music plays)

No, I can't. Ah. I

I wish I could make them.

understand.

I

want

To

Help them, they

I don't understand it.

Ah!

(Screw jump set)

(Music)