All language subtitles for The Good Place S01E01

[light chime music]

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

[door clicks open]

- Eleanor?

Come on in.

Hi, Eleanor.
I'm Michael.

How are you today?

- I'm great.

Thanks for asking.

Oh, one question.

Where am I?

Who are you?
And what's going on?

- Right, so,

you, Eleanor Shellstrop,

are dead.

Your life on Earth has ended,

and you are now
in the next phase

of your existence
in the universe.

- Cool.

Cool.
I have some questions.

- Thought you might.
[chuckles]

- How did I die?

I-I don't remember.

- Yes, um,

in cases of traumatic
or embarrassing deaths,

we erase the memory to allow
for a peaceful transition.

Are you sure you want to hear?

All right, so you were
in a grocery store parking lot.

You dropped a bottle
of something called

"Lonely Gal Margarita Mix
for One."

And when you bent down
to pick it up,

a long column of shopping carts

that were being returned to the
shopping cart collection area

rolled out of control
and plowed right into you.

- Oof.

That's how I died?

- No, sorry, there's more.

You were able to grab on

to the front of the column
of shopping carts,

but it swept you
right out into the street

where you were struck
and killed

by a mobile billboard truck
advertising

an erectile dysfunction pill
called "Engorge-ulate."

Funnily enough,
the first EMT to arrive

was an ex-boyfriend of yours--

- Okay, that's--
I get it, thank you.

- Oh, okay, sorry.

- Um, so who was right?

I mean about all of this?

- Well, let's see.
Hindus are a little bit right,

Muslims a little bit.

Jews, Christians, Buddhists,

every religion
guessed about 5%,

except for Doug Forcett.

- Who--who's Doug Forcett?

- Well, Doug was a stoner kid

who lived in Calgary
during the 1970s.

One night, he got
really high on mushrooms,

and his best friend,
Randy, said,

"Hey, what do you think
happens after we die?"

And Doug just launched
into this long monologue

where he got like 92% correct.
[chuckles]

I mean, we couldn't believe
what we were hearing.

That's him, actually,
right up there.

He's pretty famous around here.

I'm very lucky to have that.

- So...
- [chuckles]

- Maybe my biggest question:

am I--

I mean, is this...

Or...

- Well, it's not the

heaven or hell idea
that you were raised on.

But generally speaking,

in the afterlife,
there's a Good Place

and there's a Bad Place.

You're in the Good Place.

- [exhales sharply]
- You're okay, Eleanor.

You're in the Good Place.

- Well, that's good.

- Sure is.
[laughs]

Okay, let's take a walk,
shall we?

- Oh, did I
have a purse?

No, I'm dead, right.
Okay.

[bright instrumental music]

♪ ♪

- So this is how it works.

The Good Place is divided
into distinct neighborhoods.

Each one contains
exactly 322 people

who have been
perfectly selected

to blend together into
a blissful harmonic balance.

- Do all the neighborhoods
look like this?

- No, every neighborhood
is unique.

Some have warm weather,
some cold.

Some are cities,
some farmland.

But in each one,
every blade of grass,

every ladybug,

every detail has been

precisely
designed and calibrated

for its residents.

- There's a lot
of frozen yogurt places.

- Yeah. [sighs]

That's the one thing we put
in all the neighborhoods.

People love frozen yogurt.

I don't know what to tell you.

You're gonna have a million
more questions, I know.

For right now,

better grab a seat.

Movie's about to begin.

[indistinct chatter]

Ah.
[chuckles]

Hello, everyone.

And welcome to your first day
in the afterlife.

You were all,
simply put, good people.

But how do we know
that you were good?

How are we sure?

During your time on Earth,

every one of your actions

had a positive
or a negative value,

depending
on how much good or bad

that action
put into the universe.

Every sandwich you ate,

every time
you bought a magazine,

every single thing you did

had an effect
that rippled out over time

and ultimately created
some amount of good or bad.

You know how some people
pull into the breakdown lane

when there's traffic?

And they think to themselves,

"Ah, who cares?
No one's watching."

We were watching.

Surprise.

[laughter]

Anyway, when your time
on Earth has ended,

we calculate
the total value of your life

using our perfectly accurate
measuring system.

Only the people
with the very highest scores,

the true cream of the crop,

get to come here,
to the Good Place.

What happens to everyone else,
you ask?

Don't worry about it.

The point is, you are here
because you lived

one of the very best lives

that could be lived.

And you won't be alone.

Your true soul mate
is here too.

[crowd gasps and murmurs]
That's right.

Soul mates are real.

One of the other people
in your neighborhood

is your actual soul mate,

and you will spend
eternity together.

So welcome
to eternal happiness.

Welcome to the Good Place.

Sponsored by:

otters holding hands
while they sleep.

You know the way you feel
when you see

a picture of two otters
holding hands?

That's how you're gonna feel
every day.

[applause]

- So who is in the Bad Place,
that would shock me?

- Uh, well, Mozart,

Picasso, Elvis,

basically every artist ever,

uh, every U.S. president
except Lincoln.

- That sounds about right.

What about Florence Nightingale?

- That was close,
but, no, she didn't make it.

- Wow, all those
amazing people

down there, it just seems
so hard to believe.

- Again, it's an incredibly
selective system.

Most people
don't make it here.

But you, a lawyer who got
innocent people off death row,

you're special, Eleanor.

And by the way,

welcome to your new home.

Oh, it's perfect,
isn't it?

You see,
in the Good Place,

every person
gets to live in a home

that perfectly matches
his or her true essence.

- Cool.

So I guess that's why
my house, for example,

is this adorable little cottage,

whereas other people might
have homes that are bigger,

like that one.

- Exactly.

Oh, I'm so happy you get it.

As you can see,
the interior has been

decorated just as you like it,

in the Icelandic primitive
style.

Oh, oh, and, uh,
of course,

you love clowns, so...

- I do love clowns.

- Now, let me show you
the, uh--

the video system here.

[shimmering tone]

You can review everything
that happened in your life

from your point of view.

There we go.

This is your Human Rights
mission to the Ukraine.

I mean, you got
a ton of points for that one.

It really put you
over the top.

Oh.

Chidi, come on in.

- Eleanor?

I'm Chidi Anagonye,

and you are
my soul mate.

- Cool, bring it in, man.

- Now, excuse me.

I have other people
to attend to.

- So where you from,
Chidi?

- Well, I was born
in Nigeria,

raised in Senegal,

but my work took me
all over the place--

Australia, Hong Kong, Paris.

What about you?

- Uh, well, I--
I was born in Phoenix.

- Mm-hmm.
- Arizona.

And then I went to school
in Tempe, Arizona.

And then I moved back
to Phoenix, Arizona.

Your English is amazing.

- Oh!

I'm actually speaking French.

This place just translates
whatever you say

into a language
the other person can understand.

So it's incredible.
- Whoa.

- And now I want to say this.

- Mm-kay.

- Eleanor.

I have spent
my entire life

in pursuit of fundamental truths
about the universe.

And now we can
actually learn about them

together as soul mates.

It's overwhelming.

- Chidi.

You'll stand by my side
no matter what, right?

- Of course I will.

- Promise me.
Say, "I promise

I will never betray you
for any reason."

- Eleanor, I swear

that I will never say
or do anything

to cause you any harm.

- Good.

Because those aren't
my memories.

I wasn't a lawyer.
I never went to the Ukraine.

I hate clowns.

There's been a big mistake.

I'm not supposed to be here.

- Wait, what?

[light instrumental music]

♪ ♪

[children chattering]

- Are you sure this isn't you?

- Yeah, man,
I'm pretty sure

I wasn't a death row lawyer

who collected clown paintings

and rescued orphans.

They got my name right,
but nothing else.

I mean, somebody
royally forked up.

Somebody forked up.

Why can't I say "fork"?

- If you're trying to curse,
you can't here.

I guess a lot of people
in this neighborhood

don't like it,
so it's prohibited.

- That's bullshirt.

- So, uh, if you're
not this person,

then who are you?

What did you do
for a living?

- I was...in...

sales.

- So we sell
two products here,

NasaPRO and
NasaPRO Silver.

We aim this at seniors.

Now, you can't legally
call it medicine

because it doesn't
technically work

and it is technically chalk,

so what you're gonna
want to do--

- You need me
to lie to old people

and scare them
into buying fake medicine.

I get it, man.
Which one's my desk?

- So your job

was to defraud the elderly?

Sorry--
the sick and elderly?

- But I was very good at it.

I was the top salesperson
five years running.

- Okay, but that's worse.

I mean, you--you do get
how that's worse?

Right?
- Mm.

[indistinct chatter]

You know, maybe...

it's a test.

Maybe if you go to Michael

and you tell him the truth,

you'll pass the test

and you'll get to stay.

- No way.

I can't risk going
to the Bad Place.

- Okay, well, maybe
it's not actually, like,

all that bad.

Let's just get
some information first.

We'll ask Janet.
Hey, Janet?

- Hi there.
- Gah!

- How can I help you?

- What the fork?
Who are you?

- I'm Janet.

I'm the informational assistant
here in the Good Place.

- She's like this
walking database.

You can ask her about

the creation of the universe
or history--

- Oh, there was
a guy who lived

in Avondale, Arizona,
around 2002.

His name was Kevin Paltonic.

Is he gay?
- No.

- Really?
Huh.

I guess he just didn't want
to have sex with me.

- That's correct.

- Well, that's fine,
I wasn't that into him anyway.

- Yes, you were.
- Okay, Janet,

I have a question.
- Okay.

- What is the Bad Place like?

- Oh, sorry,
that is the one topic

I'm not allowed
to tell you about.

I can only play you
a brief audio clip

of what is happening there
right now.

- Okay.

[people yelling and screaming,
mechanical buzzing]

- The bear has two mouths!
[people screaming]

[sound stops]

- Well, it doesn't sound
awesome.

[scoffs]

Does everyone have
a huge house except me?

All right, we need a plan.

I say we just lie low

and hope that
they don't notice me.

- I'm sorry,
I don't think I can help you.

I just don't like
being dishonest,

and I can't advise you
to be dishonest either.

- Come on, I'm just asking
you to fudge a little bit.

You must've told a few
white lies in your life.

I mean, what was your job?

- I was a professor of ethics
and moral philosophy.

- Motherforker!

- I'm getting a stomachache.

I'm in a perfect utopia,

and I'm--I have a stomachache.

This is awful.

I-I, uh--I think I have
to tell Michael about this.

- Tell Michael about what?

- Michael?
Hi.

What have you been up to?

- Eleanor, Chidi,
I would like you to meet

Tahani and Jianyu.

They are soul mates

and your next-door neighbors.

- Hello.

Can I just say
I love your house?

It's just so
tiny and cute.

It's like a little child's
plaything,

like for a family of mice

or for a very
fancy little dog.

I love it.
It's just so sweet and teensy.

Just like you.
Boop.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- You booped me.
Ha-ha.

- I did.
- That's fun.

- Tahani and Jianyu
are having a little

welcome party tonight,
and they've invited

the entire neighborhood.

- [squeaks]
- I simply adore entertaining.

Don't I just adore it,
Jianyu?

Oh, um, yes, by the way,

Jianyu here is a Buddhist monk,
you see?

And he obeys
a strict code of silence.

So when you see him
smiling and nodding,

that's actually his way of
jumping up and down with glee.

Isn't that right, darling?

So we'll see you tonight?

- Great.
- Yes.

[indistinct chatter]

[scoffs]
- No way.

[indistinct chatter]

My entire house
could fit in this room.

- Okay, uh...

help me out here.

Tell me one good thing

that you did on Earth,

just one truly kind
and decent act

so that I can feel better
about helping you out.

Let's forget about good.

Um, just tell me something
neutral about yourself.

Like, tell me about
the day before you died.

What do you remember?

- Hi there.

Do you have a second
to talk about the environment?

- Do you have a second
to eat my farts?

- You missed.

- [scoffs]
Pick it up

if you're so horny
for the environment.

I don't remember
anything specific.

- Oh.
- Look.

I might not
have been a saint,

but it's not like
I killed anybody.

I wasn't an arsonist.

I never found a wallet
outside of an IHOP and

thought about returning it but
saw the owner lived out of state

so just took the cash
and dropped the wallet

back on the ground.

- Okay, that's really specific,

and that makes me think that
you definitely did do that.

- All I'm saying is

these people might be "good,"

but are they really
that much better than me?

- Well, I spent half my life
in North Korea

fighting for women's rights

and the other half
in Saudi Arabia

fighting for gay rights.

- So we said, "If the U.N.
won't remove those land mines,

we will."

And we dug up over a thousand
unexploded land mines

from the area
surrounding the orphanage.

- Well, then he said,

"You can't give me both
your kidneys; you'll die."

And I said,
"But you will live.

"And I know we just met
on this bus ten minutes ago,

but you seem nice."

- [groans]
Oh, forget it.

Heading to the bar!

[glass clinking]

[polite applause]

- Thank you, thank you.

You all know that I am the
architect of this neighborhood.

But what you don't know is...

Golly, I'm not supposed
to tell you this, but, um,

oh, what the heck?

This is actually
the very first neighborhood

that I have ever designed.

I had been an apprentice
for over 200 years,

and my boss
has finally given me

my first solo project.

[murmurs and applause]
Yes!

[laughs]

- Ah, gah-gah--gah-gah-gah.
Hold on there, ace.

Let me get more
of them shrampies.

- Okay, easy.
- What?

They're for everybody,
right?

- Yes, exactly.

- And you deserve
a perfect world

because every single one of you

is a good person.

That's it for me.
Back to you, Tahani.

- Bravo, Michael, bravo!
- Thank you.

- Um, and I would just like
to quickly say

if any of you would like
to play tennis tonight,

we have 36 regulation
grass tennis courts.

Such fun. Cheers.
[laughs]

[applause]

- Tahani, what a
condescending bench.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Am I right?

Why does she still have
that British accent, right?

No one else here
has an accent.

She's choosing
to have that accent.

- Shh-shh-shh-shh.

- [stodgily] "Oh, hello.

"I am just a big, beautiful,

utterly perfect
cartoon giraffe."

- Oh, okay. Okay.
- [laughing mockingly]

- I think it's time
to go home.

- Wait, wait, wait.
I just have to go upstairs

real quick and steal
a bunch of gold stuff.

- Okay, don't do that.

Don't do--no, Eleanor,
Eleanor, Eleanor.

- Hello, creepy house
that I hate.

Hello, one million clowns.

Why aren't there
stairs here?

♪ ♪

[groans]

What kind of weirdo house
is this?

Ooh.

- Did you fill your bra
with shrimp?

- No.

[hiccups]

Yes.

Whatever,
it's freakin' heaven.

I'm sure they have
plenty of shellfish.

That Tahani is
a real butthead, huh?

[gasps]
Hey.

At least I can still say
"butthead."

[groans]
She is a butthead.

- Found some pajamas.

- Chidi--
Chidi, Chidi?

I'm sorry that you had
to deal with this...

- It's okay.

- It's not, though.

[sighs]

Do you think anybody
cared that I died?

Maybe someone did.

I don't know.

I was an only child.

My parents were divorced
when I was a kid.

They were both crummy people,

so they're probably...

[imitates fart]

in the Bad Place.

Maybe they're being used
to torture each other.

It would work.

- [chuckles]

- I bet way more people
cared that you died.

'Cause you're a nice person.

[clears throat]

You're a nice person,
Chidi...

Anaconda.

- Anagonye.

- Aganocomonga.

- Anagonye.

- Ags--say it again.
- Anagonye.

- No, say what you said before.

- I did.
It's Anagonye.

- You just changed it.

- I didn't change it;
it's my name.

- Argrugande.
Ariana Grande.

[gasps]
That's a person.

I did it.

Good night.

- Good night.

[button clicks]

[playful music]

[people cheer]

[playful musical flourish]

Well, that's terrifying.

- [snoring]

[thunder crashes,
birds cawing]

[thunder crashing]

That can't be good.

[pop music]

- ♪ I'm stronger
than I've been before ♪

♪ This is the part ♪

♪ When I break free ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't resist it
no more ♪

- Oh, fork.

- ♪ The part when I say
I don't want ya ♪

♪ I'm stronger
than I've been before ♪

♪ This is the part ♪

♪ When I break free ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't resist it
no more ♪

- Michael.
- Mm?

- Is that giant,
terrifying ladybug

supposed to be there?

- Ah, well,
great question, Tahani.

No. No, it's not.

I have no idea why
any of this is happening

or how to control it.

- Should we run away then?

- Yes.

- ♪ It was lethal ♪

- Righto.

- ♪ It was fatal ♪

♪ In my dreams,
it just felt so right ♪

♪ But I woke up every time ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ This is the part ♪

♪ When I say I don't want ya ♪

♪ I'm stronger
than I've been before ♪

- Chidi, Chidi!

What's going on?

Why are there
giant animals everywhere?

Do you hear
Ariana Grande playing?

Why is everyone
wearing blue and yellow?

- You're not.

You're--you're the only one
who's not.

Eleanor, this is all happening
because of you.

- Ah, fork me.

- Okay, okay.

We don't know this
is because of me.

- Eleanor, this place is
a perfectly made Swiss watch,

and you are a wrench
in the gears.

Actually, you're a hammer,

just smashing the gears
into dust.

- Oh, hang on.

Not everybody here
is perfect, okay?

Tahani is totally condescending.

And there are a couple of,

you know, chunksters.

- Oh, come on!

- No judgment.
I'm just saying

I'm not the only one
with flaws.

So how can we be sure
this is my fault?

- You hogged all the shrimp,

and now there are shrimp
flying around.

You called Tahani a giraffe,

and now there are
giraffes everywhere.

- Okay, fine, turns out
there are many ways

to know that it was me.

- Let's just face it,
Eleanor,

you don't belong here.

- Well, then this system sucks.

What, one in a million
gets to live in paradise

and everyone else
is tortured for eternity?

Come on.

I mean, I wasn't
freaking Gandhi,

but I was okay.

I was a medium person.

I should get to spend eternity
in a medium place!

Like Cincinnati.

Everyone who wasn't perfect
but wasn't terrible

should get to spend eternity
in Cincinnati.

- Look, apparently
it doesn't work that way.

I'm sorry, Eleanor,

but there's nothing
anyone can do.

- Unless...

there is something
we can do.

Unless you could teach me.

- Teach you what?

- How to be good.

That was your job, right?

A professor of ethics?

No one knew I was a problem
when I arrived.

Things only started
getting crazy

after I was an ash-hole
to everyone at the party.

[groans]

You know I'm trying
to say "ash-hole"

and not "ash-hole," right?

- I got that, yes.

- Okay, give me a chance.

Let me earn my place here.

Let me be your
ethical guinea pig.

[knock at door]

- Hey, guys!

Uh, emergency
neighborhood meeting, now!

- We'll be right there,
Michael!

If I walk out of here
in these clothes,

I'm toast.

My soul is in your hands,
soul mate.

What's it gonna be?

[knock at door]

[thunder crashes]