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It's a balmy 56 degrees.

A beautiful day here in North Meadows...

Pizza Hut.
We've cleared out all the dead bodies,

and our crust is sometimes
literally stuffed with shit.

Oh, my God.

Fuck me, it is sad in there, man.

Good morning, North Meadows.

We'd like to start our show this morning

by taking a moment to reflect and remember

the 20-year anniversary
of the Handsome Man murders.

Harrowing times, Kate.

Twenty years ago today,
a series of handsome men

were found murdered in North Meadows,

their bodies stabbed and stuffed
into suitcases from Savers,

found jammed in the air ducts
of various delicious fast-food chains,

such as Carl's Jr., Pizza Hut,
and even Cracker Barrel.

God, I love Cracker Barrel.

This just in.

I'm being told we have an urgent story
from the steps of the Capitol.

We take you to Trish,
who's live on the scene.

Thanks, Kate.

Congress has just passed
the Education New Deal.

This groundbreaking legislation package

brings higher wages, funding for the arts,

reduced homework, yada-yada, Seinfeld.

Teachers across America
are hailing the legislation

as a huge step forward
for the country's education system.

But there is one loser in the deal,

the 2008 graduating class
of North Meadows High School.

Under the new law,
all students, past and present,

are legally required
to finish 180 full days of school

in order to receive a diploma.

But in 2008, North Meadows High School

famously had their school year
cut short by two weeks

due to a disastrous tornado
that decimated half of the campus.

Eighteen years later,
the school board has announced

that exact same class will be forced
to return home to North Meadows

and finish high school.

To reiterate,
a new law has just been passed

forcing the graduating class of 2008
to return to North Meadows

as a bunch of 35-year-olds
for two whole weeks

in order to receive their diplomas
and legally graduate high school.

Once...

- ...and...
- Hey! Hey!

- ...for...
- No way!

That's my high school!

...all.

My gosh, what a story!

I sure would hate to be
in that graduating class.

Jerry, you ever have that dream
where you haven't graduated high school?

A disgusting nightmare, Kate.

Mm-hmm.

2008.

That's when I graduated high school.

North Meadows, that's...

That's my school.

I...

Yikes.

♪♪

I'm scared.

I know it may look
like I have it all figured out,

but I don't.

I mean, definitely things
are going well right now, yeah.

Like my invention, "The Towel Pants,

the only pants made entirely
out of towel,"

just had their first sale.

They're a great product.

Awesome.

I'm working at a restaurant.

My job is to stand by the bathroom door.

And if it looks like the person
coming towards me

has to take a huge shit,
I grab him by the fucking throat

and I say, "You get back
to your fucking seat.

You take that shit at home!"

- Nice.
- Mm.

Yeah, and then the other day,
I got an email

that said I was already
accepted into heaven.

Hey, that's...

It could be spam.
It could be... it could be spam.

But, yeah, it's just, um...

It's really nice to hear.

If everything's going so well,
why are you scared?

In high school, I was sort of like a,
um, a "summamabitch."

I was rude and selfish,

and I can remember
at least two specific times

that I called somebody "fat-ass."

Sunny.

Sunny.

Sunny?

S-Sunny.

You.

- I'm talking to you. Yeah.
- Okay.

That boy from high school

is still inside you.

What do you think he needs to hear?

- That I love him?
- Mm-hmm.

Um, that I'm here for him.

Yes, sir.

And that he's brave and strong,

and he's fully capable
of living the most triumphant life!

And if you did hurt someone,
what are you going to say to them?

I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

I deeply regret my actions.

And I'm here to listen to you
and encourage you

to speak your truth, as I am right now.

Go get 'em, kid.

Yes!

Let's go!

Oh, nice.

Thanks, dude. I took some extra
for the drive.

Thank you, Sunny.

My whole life,
I just let things happen to me.

I took the first job available,
the first house available.

You know, you and me,
we basically just...

Don't you say what I think
you're gonna say.

- Baby, don't play.
- Hey.

You know you're an angel from the sky,
and I would literally get squeezed

and crushed for you.

- So what, you don't like our life?
- I love our life!

I was just saying
I could do things differently this time.

Like no cheating on tests,

no calling in bomb threats
to get out of school, no drinking.

I could boost my GPA,

go to college, get a real job,

like Secretary of Space or some shit.

Okay, what you need to do
is buy Mason some new shoes.

- ¡Vamanos! ¡Ven acá!
- I'm gonna buy him a size-100 shoe,

and we're all gonna live in it!

- What?
- Baby, this is my chance to be something.

You are something.
You're my papi chulo.

- Mi chiquito preciosa bebé.
- Hey! What is happening?

- You guys were already in there.
- Mira!

- You're being the baddest.
- Mira, Mason!

You don't move
till we get to the store,

or no candy for dinner!

I'm hungover as ass.

Did K last night
with these foreign chicks.

Pretty much talked over them
the whole time.

Sucks.

Gotta remember
to let chicks talk, you know?

They're, like, "obsoosed" with talking.

Why do chicks say "obsoosed"?

I love it.

Do I look hot today?

Sir, is there a reason
you called me in here?

Oh, right. Mm. Sorry.

Curtis, you're fired.

What... What did...
What did I... What did I do?

I don't know what's going on
with this high school shit,

but if you don't have a degree,
you don't work here.

Periodt, honey.

Sir, it's gonna be like, two weeks.
I'll get it.

You're sus, okay?

You're sus, kween.

Your last 27 pitches
have all been alien shit.

No.

"Alien eat Zyrtec,
eviscerate earth allergies. Yum."

"Alien like Oscar Mayer cheese,
it looks like moon. Yum."

"Alien play basky-ball
with LeBron James, then cry.

Yum."
What's yummy about that, dude?

There's not even a product
for that last one.

- You're obsoosed.
- I'm sorry. It'll be different.

-I... You gotta... I-I-
-Who are you?

For real. Who are you?

I mean, I've never seen you
at a company party.

You don't have pictures of anyone
on your desk, and people

are making an insane amount

of complaints about you at the gym.

They say it looks like
you're training to kill someone.

Sir, I'm not training to kill anyone.

Slice, slice, slice!
That's a kill. That's a kill.

You fucked with the wrong guy!

Okay, don't!
Murder's wack in the office, bro.

Go home.

Go figure out where your, like, life
went wrong or whatever.

Maybe find someone
to put on your desk while you're at it.

I mean, look at me.
I'm younger than you.

I've had a lot of wives.

Could you help?

I don't think that's a good idea.

Amelia. Amelia.

You're unhappy, I'm unhappy.

I gave you the best years of my youth.

I'm almost 37.

The age that men are considered ugly.

You are beautiful to me.

Then, why don't you ever look at me?

I haven't heard joy
in your voice in five years.

I feel like Robin Williams
in What Dreams May Come,

traveling to the depths of Hell
trying to bring you back to life!

That's just not the sort of shit
I'm trying to do right now, ho.

What's her name?

Stop.

Is she beautiful?

Yeah.

That's great, Tim.

I hope she gives you
everything I can't,

like sports and... taxes.

Amelia.

Her name's Vanilla.

She's helping me get my DJ career
off the ground.

What fucking DJ career?!

This is exactly what I'm talking about!

What's wrong with you?

Welcome back, Class of 2008.

You're listening to WMFM radio,
the voice of North Meadows.

Oh, my God, Claire Dubois!
So, you're back in town for school?

- Fucking duh.
- Ah, fuck.

Have you ever dreamt
you could redo high school

with the wisdom
and experience you have now?

Would you change
your life for the better,

or are we destined to relive
the mistakes of our past?

Some of us have left to pursue big things.

Some of us stayed here
to experience others.

Didn't you wanna be, like, a big writer
and, like, travel the world,

- or some stupid-ass shit like that?
- Excuse me?

Are you excited to see family?

Since you're not a lawyer anymore,

you are going to have to get
a job under my roof, okay?

It builds character, sweetheart.

Mom, make me
a fucking Pop-Tart, alright?

That's 25 cents in the swear jar.

What have you
been up to since not graduating?

I'm really grateful to be an actor,
and I love being on set, too.

Oh, my God,
I just realized it's a football!

Have you put yourself
online for everyone to see?

Or have you hidden yourself away,
ashamed of the dreams

that haven't yet come true?

Didn't I hear
that you're, like, a chef,

but your restaurant closed down
'cause the food

- tastes like literal shit or something?
- Whoa! It did not close

because the food
tasted like literal shit.

It closed because I killed a guy.

- What?
- Damn.

It was an accident.
He had a fish allergy.

Or perhaps you've been
living a life of "What if?"

What if I had tried harder?

What if I had dreamed bigger?

What if I had just

touched their hand?

What will we learn
about ourselves now

by remembering who we were then?

Have we changed?

Can people change?

Well, come to Stools Tavern tonight
for a welcome home soirée and find out.

Returning students
get half off one beer.

What the fuck is going on?

There's no fucking coffee!

Bad idea!

I don't get it.
I'm not supposed to be here.

I'm fucking uncomfortable!

Everyone, settle!

Settle!

Before we get started,
are there any questions?

Can we fuck the kids?

Jesus, Peg, you come out
of the gate with that?

What if they have a fucking heart attack
during fucking badminton?

- Why is this fucking happening?
- Can we fuck the students?!

Enough with the language!
We have a fucking guest!

He's here from the school board

to help clarify a few things for us.

Please give a warm welcome
to little Billy Brown.

- It's just Bill Brown.
- Oh, so sorry.

Sorry.

Thank you, Principal "Nayd-ler."

It's "Nad-ler."
Pronounced "Nad-ler."

Nadler, okay.

Now, guys, I know this
is a rather unique situation,

to say the least.

But the board has decided
that this is the fastest

and most efficient way of getting
these individuals their diplomas.

It's during fall break

so that the 2008 "graduating class"
can come back to school

and not interfere with
any current high school students.

It's gonna be a school
entirely just of adults.

No drama.

If they're not in homeroom
Monday morning,

they will be arrested for truancy.

Now, I want this
to be as seamless as possible.

That means everything has to be
exactly the way it was

when they left off in 2008.

Same classes,
same sports, same clubs,

same play, same everything.

Wait, the play from 2008?

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yes.

Fuck you!

- The fuck? Alright.
- I'm sorry.

- But, you know, fuck you.
- Look, I know you're upset,

but this could be a great opportunity
for all of us.

Let's face it, North Meadows
doesn't have the best reputation.

We're only known
for a gigantic tornado

and a series of gruesome murders
that took place in 2007.

If this goes smoothly
and this experiment is a huge success

we can give this town
the fresh start it deserves.

Thank you.

Good fucking luck.

We'll be watching.

Especially you.

♪ I'm back! ♪

No way.

This is so cool.
What a beautiful day.

I haven't seen...

Awesome!

Yeah!

Whoo!

No way.

How cool is this?

Oh, my God! Oh, wow.

That's awesome. Wow.

Who the fuck was that?

Shit!

Gentlemen, destiny has
shined her light upon me.

I've blossomed from a boy to a man.

I've had sex multiple times,

- a couple of which...
- no condoms.

No condoms present.

Anyways, I'm finally ready
to profess my love

to Katie Cartwright.

We all know I was totally
obsoosed in high school.

I was just too much of a bitch
to go after her.

I'm not gonna let her slip away again.

There we are.
Two peas in a pod.

God, I would love to fuck.

It's just, I was the one
who was in love with her.

- Shit!
- Shit!

That was me. Shit.

- Shit.
- Shit.

- Shit.
- Shit!

- Shit.
- Shit.

What the fuck are you guys
talking about?

I had a Katie-themed birthday party.

You were all there.
You all had fun.

- I thought you threw that for me.
- But it was my birthday!

I'm the oldest.
I cut my own hair now.

Enough!

Mm, fucking bitch.

Shit.

Okay.

There's one Katie,

there's three of us.

So, let's make a bet.

First guy to nab her

gets 15 bucks.

A bet?

- Sounds kinda gross.
- Fifteen bucks?

Right, right, that's...

That is fucked up if I did that.

How about a gentlemen's agreement?

- I'm in, 100%.
- Hell yeah. You should have said that

- from the beginning.
- When you put it that way...

May the best man win.

Shit.

Ugh.

Your dad would be so proud of you.

Are you joking?

I'm a divorced loser
who destroyed their soul

as an HR rep defending
a massive corporation.

That's helping people, sweetie.

No, it's not.

I just listen to people bitch all day.

"The water cooler
has mosquito eggs in it.

People keep fucking around
with the EpiPen."

It's like, well, sorry.

It's not my fault
it feels so good to stab...

You're on to greener pastures.

- High school?
- Yes, high school.

What better place to find oneself?

I'm about to face a horde of people
who knew me as this ambitious girl

who wanted to change the world.

I let them all down.
It's been 18 years,

and I literally have nothing
to show for it.

You have been given the most incredible
gift in life, a second chance.

Don't let it pass you by.

Go to that reunion tonight.
Have some fun!

Come on.

It's really sad in here.

For what it's worth,
I never liked that Tim.

He is a weird, little, ugly,
mean, little, pompous,

sheltered, fuckin' little pervert.

Okay, thanks, Mom!

Shit.

Shit!

Tedi!

Where the fuck have you been?

Doc just got Lasik
and he's blind as a bat.

Don't start with me, Friz!
I've been doing studying and shit.

Look, I'm glad you get to do your little
high school reunion or whatever,

but in case you forgot,
we already had a reunion

booked for tonight.
Class of '84.

Shit!

God, this weird fucker's
eating up all the chicken tenders.

My God, Tedi, you're a fucking moron.

What?

Motherfucking...

Fucking shit.

Sunny?

If I hurt you, I'm sorry.

I deeply regret my actions
and have encountered...

Fuck, shit, goddammit.
What the fuck was the thing...

Dude, you never hurt me,
we were best friends.

- Tedi Mayo?
- Yes, dude!

- Oh, my God!
- Ah!

I thought you were dead! Mwah!

♪ Feels like getting stabbed
in the heart ♪

Go figure out
where your life went wrong.

I've had a lot of wives.

Obsoosed.

No way.

Just mustard, please.

On what?

Oh, no, come on.
"Just mustard, please."

Look, kid, you're pissing me off.

You gonna order something
or you gonna piss me off again?

Tedi Mayo, it's me, Amelia Nadler.

You used to say to me,
"How 'bout a little mayo?"

And I'd say,
"Just mustard, please."

I... I was on the yearbook committee.

You didn't submit a senior photo,
so I drew one of you instead.

I... I was class president.

I organized the homecoming dance.

- Can I have a vodka?
- ID.

- Yo.
- Now, don't go all weird sauce on me,

but you're not gonna believe
who's at the end of the bar.

Katie.

Hey.

Uh, wow.

You look so, um

normal.

- I thought you were dead.
- Yeah.

Every... Everybody keeps saying that.

Claire?

It's Amelia.

We were Home-Ec partners.

You threw an entire pizza at me

for adding too much sugar.

I threw pizza at a lot of people.

You... Weird girl!
Stop throwing fries around!

One of these old fuckers
might slip and die.

Goddammit, Doc!

Well, trash goes in the trash.

Then, throw it in the trash, ass!

Can I get you a drink or something?

You still drink UV Blue and Gatorade?

- No.
- Yeah, no, me neither.

Shit's trash.

I don't really drink that stuff either.

Where have you been?
You just disappeared one day.

Yeah, no, yeah.

Um, well, just been around.

Yeah, I was... Well, I thought
I was living in Florida for a while,

but, um, it... it w...
It turned... it was not.

Not Florida.

I lived in an Applebee's
for three weeks, undetected,

which was... actually, I think you would...

- You would have really liked it.
- Oh.

- It was nice.
- Sounds really nice.

I thought it was...

Yeah, what about you?

I do the news.

Is that why your hair looks like a Lego?

Yeah.

Fun!

Amelia?

Uh, Curtis Eldridge.

- We were, uh...
- We were in the play!

You stabbed me!

- Yeah!
- Uh, can I, um...

- Uh...
- Yeah. Oh, please. I'm so s...

- Of course, yeah, um...
- Uh, okay.

Yeah, d-do your... do your worst.

Yeah.

I can't believe you remember me.

I... I was such a small part
in that play,

and you were like the star.

Are... are you still acting
or anything cool?

No. No, no, no.

No, I'm not. Nothing like that.

I haven't done anything like that
since high school.

Seriously? That's... Wow.
Why'd you stop?

How's your life?
How have you... How have you...

How have you been?

♪ I wanted you ♪

Hey, why you looking at me all weird?

Sorry.

It's just, like, a lot.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God, this is so much a lot.

Hey, do you remember our wedding?

Yeah, you mean our, uh,
our fake one in Tedi's backyard?

- Yeah, I remember that.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Man, it was so fun.
- It was fun.

Yeah.

Until you walked through a glass door
and bled all over my dress.

Yeah.

Yeah. Wow, yeah.

- Twenty-four stitches.
- Oh, boy.

No, I remember. I did them.

- Very drunk.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Jesus, that looks terrible.

Really?
I thought you did an awesome job.

- Yeah.
- Okay, good.

Yeah, you used to like it.

I remember a couple times,

maybe you said that it, um...

What was it? It made you
horny or whatever?

Okay.

I was 18.

Garfield made me horny.

Yeah, same. Same.

That good-looking fucking cat.

You remember our spot?

Sunny.

What was it... What was it called?

It's like that weird room
that had all those books in it.

The library.

What?

I'm not even that mad at Tim.
I'm mad at myself.

Even though I would like
to stab the little guy.

- You know what I'm talking about?
- Yeah, definitely.

Uh, everybody in my office
thought I was going to kill 'em.

Honestly, same, I think.

I'm not gonna kill anybody.

I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna...

I'm not gonna kill anybody, I'm not.

Ron Felker.

Oh, shit.

Tedi Mayo,
you little son of a bitch.

How you doing, bro?

Good to...

Come on, Mayo!

It's been 18 years.

I don't even remember
why we hate each other.

It's 'cause you ratted me out for calling
in all those bomb threats,

and I went to juvie
where I got a fake ID at 14,

and it totally derailed my life,

'cause I started drinking
in this shithole so much

that the owner gave me a job,
and he became like a father to me.

And then he died,
and he accidentally left me this bar.

And now, I own this shithole,

and I got too many kids
and too many bills!

The bar smells like piss,
and we got bugs in the back!

Well, don't tell people that!
I'm trying to serve 'em fucking food.

They're gonna think there are all
these big bugs in the back,

but they're not even that big.

Don't worry, the bugs aren't in the food,
they're just in the kitchen.

Get out.

Okay.

I'll go.

But I'm actually
a really great fucking guy.

I've changed.

- People never change.
- What was that?

Hey. To my classmates,

or what's left of you,

I'd just like to say, you got old.

And Marjorie Rose,

I'm gonna love you
till the day I die.

♪ Just one look ♪

♪ And I fell so hard, hard, hard ♪

- ♪ In love ♪
- This is our song.

♪ Mm ♪

- ♪ With you ♪
- No, it's not.

No, no, it's not. That's what I said.

This is not our song. Yeah.

- Mm.
- This song's trash.

I mean, I kinda like it,
but it's just not our song.

I like it too, it's really good.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

♪ To have ♪

♪ Your love ♪

- ♪ Oh-oh ♪
- What?

♪ Oh, say you will ♪

♪ Will be mi-i-ine ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ And always ♪

- ♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
- Katie!

♪ Just one look, mm ♪

- ♪ And I knew ♪
- Order up!

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ That you ♪

♪ Were my only one ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ I thought I was dreaming, oh ♪

♪ But I was wrong ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, so I'm gonna keep on scheming... ♪

Alright, sickos! Last call!

We got school in the morning!
Yeah!

♪ So you see, oh ♪

♪ I really care ♪

Oh, fuck.

Oh! Oh, my God.

- Oh my God.
- Hey, hey! Wait, wait!

Where are you heading?
I can make us some breakfast.

I can make us some

yogurt.

Yogurt!

Toast, bitch!

♪ Tell me a line,
make it easy for me ♪

Madness at North Meadows
years ago when that tornado hit.

But today, it's the first day
of school, again,

for a community known
only for that tornado.

And of course, a series of gruesome
unsolved murders back in 2007,

when a bunch of handsome men
were killed...

I'll go with you.
I'll deal with...

- No, you're not coming.
- Yeah. Why can't...

That's... Uh, that's weird.

♪ So ring the alarm,
ring the alarm ♪

What the fuck?!

School fucking sucks.

Welcome back, my sweet children.

This will be your home
for two whole weeks,

so go to class,
dance your ass off at prom,

shine in the school play,

and I know you will take
your final exam seriously.

Although things may look
a bit different,

I think you'll find
it's all pretty much the same.

♪ Never change, never change ♪

♪ Never change, never change ♪

♪ Never change, never change ♪

♪ This is why I fell in love ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Oh, my God!

Hey!

Oh, wow. How cool is this?

♪ Never change, that's just
who I fell in love with ♪

My eyes!

♪ In love ♪

Oh, my God.

Damn!

Smile!

So, that's what I look like.

Nice.

♪ The very best time ♪

♪ So give me a line and take me... ♪

Hey. Psst, hey.

Katie.

Ow!

Oh!

Ow! What the fuck, Sunny?

Hey.

Welcome, everyone,
to the first day of school.

Again.

I'll be your homeroom teacher,

Ms... Jankey.

And I'm here if you need anything.

And I do mean... any... thing.

Damn!

Okay!

Well, I don't know if you've heard,

but schools have gotten
a little "funky" nowadays.

So, we are required by law
to start every school year

with a little PSA.

'Kay.

Mm.

Hi, I'm Whit Conway.
Now, I don't know if you've heard,

but schools have gotten
a little bit funky nowadays.

Ooh! Somebody stop me!

Oh, my God, he's quoting The Mask!

Mm-mm!

S-smokin'!

I'm Whit Conway.
Look around you.

Everyone is a suspect.

Who do you think it's gonna be?

It's gonna be Ron!

You were the one who used
to call in all those bomb threats.

Again with this shit?
To get out of class, you zesty bitch!

Canceled!

You can't say "bitch"
out loud anymore.

I'll say this.

I'm definitely capable of it.

But I honestly just, like,
don't think it's gonna be me.

Interesting.

Katie, who do you think
it's gonna be?

- Who cares? Claire.
- As if!

I would just poison all of you.

Probably gonna be someone
that we least expect.

So, I would say it's gonna be

whatever that little girl's name
is up there.

It's Amelia.

I grew up next door to you.

Yeah.

It's gonna be you.
You're d-definitely gonna do it,

whatever your name is.

Not my nuts. Not my nuts. Not my nuts.

- Six more laps!
- Fuck you!

Psst, hey.
I had a lot of fun last night.

Sunny.

- Last night was a mistake.
- Oh.

Crrrruuunch!

What part, though?
'Cause, um, I had a lot of fun.

My fucking nuts!

I can't just pick up where we left off
20 years ago, okay?

I'm... I'm a grown up now.
I have a life, I'm en...

We're not in high school anymore!

Oh, my fucking balls!

Well... yeah, we are.

Almost my nuts.

It's over, okay? For real this time.

Right. And, wait, um...

Please, not my nuts.

Five more laps! Let's go!

- I'm gonna fucking kill you!
- Geez!

You son of a bitch!

- Tedi?
- The pelvic lining.

- Tedi.
- The aortic valve.

The lymphatic system.

Macular degeneration.

- The femur.
- Shut up!

That's like the fifth wrong answer
you've said in 20 seconds.

The femur is not connected
to the cervical vertebrae.

- Yes, it is. It's new.
- It's new?

Every skeleton's different.

Like my cousin, he got like,
four elbows and like, two noses.

Shut up! Shut up!
Why are you talking?!

- Oh, my God.
- You shut up.

Please, just for the rest
of the class, shut up!

I will continue.

- Wah-wah, wah-wah-wah...
- Hey, bro.

Huge party at my house on Friday.

- Yeah?
- My parents are out of town,

for life.

What do you mean?

They just died, bro.
The house is empty.

It's gonna be sick.

Oh, my God, bro.

I'm so sorry.

Are you okay?

Dude, it's gonna be a rager.

Sure, man.
Whatever you need, I'm here for you.

I'm so sorry.

It's awesome.

We're gonna party.

Goddammit!

They are forcing us

to remount my play from 2008.

Honestly, I wrote it as a joke.
It's crap.

All you morons
are gonna play your old roles.

Todd, you're "Detective,"
Sandra, you're "Wife,"

and Curtis, you're me.

Or I... I mean, uh, "Francois," obviously.

- Fuck!
- Good luck.

It'll be like riding a bike.

Everyone else is in the crew!

It's been really cool
watching you on TV.

That is so sweet.

Have you been doing
any acting or anything?

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm a... I'm a detective, actually.

Hey, guys?
Can you do me a huge favor

and shut the fuck up?

Thanks. Now, go.

Fucking act. Go!

Philip Stein! We found his body
jammed in a suitcase,

stabbed the fuck up,

all crusty and shit.

Oh, my God!
That's my coworker.

He was just teaching me
how to bowl with his hands

on my hips... and lower.

- What monster could do this?
- Watch this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop, stop!

- What was that?
- What?

It was your line,
but you looked right at me

and said, "Watch this."

- For real?
- For realsies.

Here's a little acting tip.

Don't fucking do that.

Let's take it from your last line, go.

What monster could do this?

- Watch this.
- Okay, what the fuck are you doing?

Shit, I felt it that time. I felt it.

Well, don't do it.

Just say your line.

What monster could do this...

- Watch this. Fuck!
- Don't say, "Watch this!"

- Watch this.
- No!

I got this. Watch this.

- Fuck!
- Uh, okay, let's take a little...

Let me just get that lead-in line.

He was teaching me how to bowl

with his hands on my hips... and lower.
What monster could do...

- Watch this... No!
- Yeah, we're gonna take a little break.

Watch this. Fuck!
Watch ass.

Watch me! Watch out! Fuck!

Watch this. Watch me! Fuck, no!

Watch this. Watch me!
Watch out! Fuck!

- Fuck, no! Watch! No! Watch this.
- What the fuck is happening?

No! Watch this.
Watch, watch, watch, watch.

- Watch me. Watch out. Watch this.
- Oh!

Fuck me! Fuck you!

Shit! No. Come... Come on now!

Shit! Fuck! Sorry! Here we go.

- Watch me. Fuck, no!
- What... What should I do?

- I'm...
- No! Watch me. Let's go!

I'm ready to do this. Come on.

Here we go. I'm done playing
with everybody here.

It's time now!
Let's get it. I love this game.

Curtis!

I don't know what the fuck
is happening to me!

I can't fucking act anymore!

I don't know what's happening to me.

That's the bell.
Great first rehearsal, guys.

That was a lot
of weird behavior.

From a lot of you, to be honest.
Jesus Christ.

They're gonna catch me.

Sandra, you're "Wife," and Curtis

you're me.

Or I... I mean, uh, "Francois," obviously.
Fuck!

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yes.

I boiled it perfectly.

Mommy called earlier.
She sounded quite upset.

She said, uh, she sent you some
napkin samples for the wedding.

Oh shit, I forgot. Sorry.

You really should respond.

She was, uh, yelling at me
for quite a bit.

What's she gonna do, Mark?

Make me walk the plank?

What?

Walk the plank.

Walk the plank? I...

Like a pirate. It's a joke.

That's so random.
Why would she make you do that?

No, no. She wouldn't... She wouldn't,
like, actually make me do it.

It's just... like, it's like a sh...

It's like a joke, I'm just like saying...

Oh, my God.

Wait, that's hilarious!

Yeah.

Think up... Write it down.

- We gotta remember...
- I'll get it.

We gotta remember that.

"Walk the plank."

- Ah, it could be a pirate, baby.
- Katie.

Sunny?

What...

Uh, what are you doing here?

Yeah, no. Uh, okay, look.

Uh, alright, I know that things
are topsy-turvy or whatever,

and I know that I look like shit
or whatever now, and it's just...

Look.

Uh, I can change that
or whatever, alright?

It's just, um, okay.

Look, um...

Seeing you again, it feels like
my body remembers you.

And it feels like home.

Please, just give me a chance...

Argh, matey!
Who be in me ship right now?

I'll castrate ye!

No, I'm just messing, guys.

Pirate vibes. She's so funny.

What's, uh...

What is that?

- It's, uh...
- This house? Oh.

- This is...
- Oh. Ahoy!

Captain Mark Spitz,
at your service.

Katie's fiancé.

Sunny, I tried to tell you earlier, but...

The ole ball and chain.

And... and who might ye be, good sir?

- Uh...
- He... he is, um, Sunny.

We... we go to school together.

Ah! A fellow inmate.

My condolences to you both.
But, um, where are my manners?

Sunny, would you like to come in
and have some supper with us?

Oh, no.

- What are we having?
- Boiled chicken.

There's enough chicken
to go all around.

- I could feed the entire neighborhood.
- No, that's okay.

Boiled chicken, oh yeah!

- Just go inside.
- Alright.

- Jesus Christ.
- Argh, matey!

- Go inside!
- Yes, ma'am. Alright, hey.

It's great to meet you, Sunny.

- Later!
- I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Time capsules!
You guys remember doing these?

Some kids were supposed
to dig 'em up in about 100 years,

but you guys are here now,
so we figured, what the hell?

Your hopes, your dreams,

your naive anticipations for life,

all in these capsules.

You know, I remember
when I was 18,

wide-eyed, stacked

Shit!

Oh, no. Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God.

Fuck.

Mm! That tasted good.

Fuck.

No way.

Hey.

I got fucking Ice!

Shit.

No!

- No drinking in class!
- Mm!

Get...

- Bad boy!
- Damn, girl!

- Very, very naughty!
- I got Ice!

I'll die if I don't drink it!

I'll die!

Drinking in class?

Are you stupid?

Yeah.

Can you please just act normal
for two weeks?

- Go to the prom...
- Mm-hmm.

- Take your finals...
- Mm-hmm.

And we finish the year
with the school play.

Then, we're done.
You graduate,

and we all go back to our normal lives.
No drama.

I can't...
I cannot do this play.

You have to! It's the rules!

Fuck! Fine.

Where the fuck are you going?!

Sit the fuck back down!

Do you know what
they're saying about you?

You know I don't listen
when people speak!

Look me in the eyes.

- Is it true?
- Baby, why would I do killing

at a Cracker Barrel?

I love that place!

I... never said anything
about a Cracker Barrel.

- Baby.
- Oh, Francois.

Know this.

Everything I do

and everything I am is for you.

- Shit!
- Shit!

Sorry, I was...
Um, I'm trying to...

- Trying to look at the script, yeah.
- Yeah, of course. I'm... yeah.

That's... Yeah.

How do you know all the lines?

You're on the stage crew.

Uh... I... Yeah,
years of test prep, I guess.

It's like riding a bike.

Uh, that... that was really great.

Thanks. Uh, and

thanks for helping me out.
It... it means a lot.

Oh.

It's, um... oh gosh.
It's my... It's my pleasure.

Yeah.

Stewart.

Ugh, that name.

Stew... art.

I quiver for your wispy hair,

your white New Balance

with insoles for back support!

I crave to slip into your polo shirt
with your company's logo.

Some of you really know your stuff.

- Good job.
- Oh, hell yeah.

And some of you

- are just bad at school, I guess.
- Fuck.

Yo! New girl, wait up!

- Hey.
- Are you talking to me?

Yeah, silly.
You're hard to catch

with them big ole legs.

Anyway, I'm glad I did.
I just wanted to tell you

that you're so good at class.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Um, I was wondering if you
could help me do good in it, too.

- You want me to tutor you?
- Yes, that's it!

- Tutor!
- No way.

What? Why?

You're one of the dumbest people
I've ever met.

Hey, that's not nice.

Today you said the moon
"look like a ass,"

and that the sun
"had many rings around it."

We just can't see them 'cause
our sunglasses are so tiny.

Oh! Tedi Mayo, back in school.

- Hey, Marv.
- Oh, you remember that one time

when you did an 11-minute keg stand,

and you died upside down?

And then you went to the hospital,
and we all thought your head exploded.

So, we all, like, wrote you letters.

And then you, Tedi Mayo,
you came back to life and shit.

You remember that shit, Tedi?

Tedi Mayo, back in school!

You remember that?
I remember that, Tedi.

Never forget that, man.

I will never forget you, Tedi Mayo.

Awesome! Awesome!
You're awesome, man.

- Awesome!
- Now's not a good time, Marv.

Are you gonna do stuff
like that again, Tedi?

Please, Tedi!
Oh, please, Tedi, please?

No! I'm an adult now.

Tedi Mayo!

Tedi Mayo is back.

Tedi!

Tedi! Keep it up, Tedi!

Tedi's back! Tedi's back!

- I'll do it.
- What?

I'll tutor you,

under one condition.

Anything.

Help me be remembered.

- What can I get started for you?
- Hi!

Um, I'll have a number one, melted,

- with Cheez Whiz...
- I'd like a four

- with poop cream.
- And some caca flakes on top...

Alright. Alright, alright, alright,
alright, alright.

Alright, uh, one at a time.
One at a time.

Oh, so sorry, good chap. Sorry.

Um, so I'll have a number one, melted,
with shit flakes on top.

- Do you have toasted poop?
- Or maybe some cum or some piss

I'll be back...

I'll be back when you're...
When you guys are fucking serious.

Oh!
This vanilla got some heat on it.

Oh, man, that's bad.

I need some milk. Waiter?

Madam?

She's coming back.

You okay, my blumpkin?

I don't think you know
what that means, Mark.

Well, I do know some news
that will cheer you up.

- What's the news?
- Mommy set a wedding date!

- For who?
- For us, you simple bitch.

- Mark!
- I'm so sorry.

That did not mean that...
It was supposed to come out

like a cheeky girlfriend,
and it did not.

But no, y-your mom can't set a date.
It's our wedding.

Well, she did,
and she's tired of waiting.

And so am I!
I mean, it's been nine years, Kate.

That's not that long.

- Kinda.
- What about school?

- Yeah, uh...
- And like, I don't have a job right now.

- But don't...
- We can't just, like, rush into anything.

Don't worry about that.

We're always gonna be able
to come up with excuses

of why now is not the perfect time,

but all that matters
is that we love each other.

I mean, just think.

Like, we're the last people
that we'll ever sleep with.

How awesome is that?

Oh, you're doing so great.

So great!

Oh, that's so good.

Yeah, you're doing it really well.

Okay.

- Ugh! What the...
- Amazing!

What the fuck?

Of course, some people
do this with their hands,

but what's the fun in that?

- Damn.
- Really wonderful job.

I'm a cool teacher.
I like sex.

And I love to experiment.

I'm very into nipple play,
and I like to choke my partner, a lot.

Prom is just around the corner,
so why don't we go around the room

and each say some of our kinks?

I was a sub for years.

Cock and ball torture.

Pulling, stretching.

I had a cuckold phase
that got real out of control.

Tons of impact play.

- I really lost myself.
- Mm.

Now, I'm just crazy into missionary.

The way I'm hitting that shit,
you ain't even need any other positions.

That's great. Claire?

- No.
- That's great.

Claire is setting
and vocalizing her boundaries.

Thank you, Claire.
Speaking of boundaries...

I like licking out my girl's butthole
when she's got the flu.

It... it tastes like a Super Bowl party.

Wonderful.

Dental dams!

Uh, Claire?

- No.
- That's good.

Thank you again, Claire. Uh...

Katie, Sunny, get up here!

A lot of people talk shit
about the dental dam.

"Aw, I can't even feel anything.

Lesbians don't even use them."

Well, I use them!

They're a lot of fun.
And they stop chlamydia.

- Hm!
- Sunny, I want you

to lick Katie's arm right here.

And Katie, I want you to tell me
if you can even feel the dental dam,

or if it feels raw dog.

Raw dog.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

That was actually, uh, quite hot.

- No! Sunny, I cannot do this anymore.
- Oh my God!

- I just can't. I really can't.
- Was it 'cause we banged teeth?

'Cause I actually do think
that was your fault.

No, Sunny,
it's because I'm getting married!

Uh, I actually want to talk
to you about that.

It's for real now, okay?
We set a date.

Katie, you can't marry him!

- Oh, my God.
- Alright? And I don't even mean it like,

"Oh, you can't marry him!"
Even though I do also mean it like that.

It's just that, um,
you can't marry him, um... legally.

What are you talking about?

Uh, yeah.
Um, what I'm trying to say

is that you can't marry him

because you're already married

to me.

Sunny, we were 18.

We were being ironic.

Yeah, okay. I just...

- Alright, there's... yeah, uh, alright.
- What the fuck is this?

It's a marriage certificate.
Our marriage certificate.

- I signed this?
- Yes.

But, like...
it was a joke.

Yeah.

Like, it was funny
to take it so seriously.

- I know. Yeah.
- That's what was funny about it.

I loved that that... that was so funny.

It's... I guess,
I honestly didn't understand

how much of it was a joke.

And then, I... I went through with it,

and, um, then I did... I... Yeah, I did it.

No, but the priest, he was...

Uh, he was real.

So, I'm...

Katie Football.

No!

Shut up!

People are trying to be quiet and shit!

Anyway, I'd go to parties

and, like, light a trash can on fire

and put myself in it
and roll down a hill.

Or throw Molotov cocktails at cars
and then get hit by that car.

That's your advice?
Get hit by a car?

I even tried drinking piss.

Tedi.

Insane party at my house tonight.

My parents just died.
Everyone's gonna be there.

Oh my God, dude. Are you alright?

I'm awesome, man.

The house is totally to ourselves,

and we're gonna rage.
Classic.

Jesus, dude, that's really sad.

No, there's nothing sad about it.

Tedi, you were always their favorite,
and if they were alive,

it would mean so much to them
if you were there.

Okay.

Tedi Mayo.

I'll see you tonight, man.

It's not a party without Tedi Mayo.

What the fuck is happening?

- We're going to that party.
- Amelia, no!

You promised to help me
with my science paper tonight.

But everyone's gonna be there!

This paper's like 50% of my grade!

If I fail, I'll need to get 100
on my final exam to pass,

and I'll be fucked,
and I'll die alone in my bar,

and that place sucks.

I need you.

- Amelia!
- Yeah.

You promised.

Fine, I'll help.

Yes!

There will always be more parties.

Hey, yo! You came. It's so fun.

Uh, there's a keg in back.
I think one person has coke.

And feel free to use any room for sex.

Ooh! Katie will be here any minute.

Wanna get up to the roof?

Did you get my letter?

Yeah.

What do you say we just tear
into each other right here?

Oh. Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
I... My kids are sick.

Oh, well, let 'em die!

Oh, I gotta try that. Whoo!

Why is everybody here like 60?

So lame.

Totally.

No, hey!
Don't... Don't do that.

- You don't want that.
- Oh.

I'm too square to get high?
I'm not cool enough?

Uh, yeah. They're just really strong

and you don't really strike me
as the type that likes to lose control.

Well, looks like you don't know me
at all, do you?

No, I've never seen you
in my fucking life.

These taste like shit.

Maybe it's your fucking mouth, tiny shit!

Fuck you. Fuck is that?

Wait, what's in this?

Oh, man, how many did you eat?

Like two loaves.

Two loaves?

Yeah. Fuck yeah.

I'll see you next week, buddy.

♪ We've gone to, to the other side ♪

There's Katie! And I'm going.

Um, Katie, I was just...

No sweat, it's not like
my parents are coming back for it.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm just following your advice.

Be stupid and drunk,
and do whatever people say and shit.

Mayo!

Hey, man, good to see you, bud.
How you doing?

How 'bout we hit a keg stand
for old times' sake?

I'm not doing a keg stand
at 35 with a bad back.

Yeah, you're right.
My shit's, uh, fucked up, too.

Alright, how 'bout we go
gargoyle style, then? Huh?

How 'bout you suck my ass, fool?

How 'bout if you chug
the whole keg before me,

gargoyle style, then I'll suck your ass?

I don't want you to suck my ass.

So, why would I even go
gargoyle style?

Bitch!

Oh yeah. Oh, no, okay.
No. No... Oh!

Hey, sweetie. How are things, sweetie?

- Oh! Ah!
- Sign these!

Yeah, uh, okay. Hi. Can this wait?

- I actually have a remote control car.
- No, it cannot wait!

And don't you dare start
your bullshit with me, okay?

Sign!

Well, it's not really great to sign things
if you don't know exactly what they say.

Sunny, I will fucking kill you.
Obviously, they are divorce papers.

No. No!

Okay, I'm not gonna sign them, Katie,
'cause I don't want to, alright?

I wanna marry you.
I wanna stay married to you.

- Sunny!
- Come on, what?

Okay, great, so what do you wanna do?
Live in the library

- for the rest of our lives?
- I'm not living in the library.

I'm staying there for one to 14 months

till I get my life
completely back on track!

Unless you wanna live in the library.

- I would absolutely...
- I don't wanna live in the library!

Why not?
I know where the bathrooms are!

Everyone knows where
the bathrooms are!

Oh my gosh, hi!

You want some of this?
I... I got it from...

Actually, I... Actually, I don't...
I don't know how I got this.

I'm cool.

You're so cool.

Why are you always looking at the sky?

No job! No home!

No other clothes!

No personal hygiene whatsoever,

- from what I can tell.
- Okay! Thank... Yep.

And thank you, thank you,
thank you for those notes.

I'm actually gonna take those
into consideration.

- But what about you?
- What about me?

What about you, Katie?
What happened?

What happened to the crazy freak
that I used to love?

You're out here with haircuts,

and suits, and a house, and that thing.

What is that thing
that you're living with?

- What is it? What is it?
- It's not an it!

- What do you even see in it?
- It's not an it!

- Then, what is it?
- It's not an it! It's... he's... he's...

- Then, what is it?!
- He's my fiancé!

- Then, say that!
- And I love him!

He's nice and he's safe.

A-And I don't have to worry
that one day

he's just gonna, like, disappear.

A-And I'll be left to... to think that
the love of my life is dead for 20 years.

U-Until one day,
he just shows back up in my life

like a fucking magic trick!

I've been really enjoying
acting with you.

Me too.

It's nice to pretend to be
someone else for a little while.

I don't know, I get distracted.

I... I know what you mean.

I've been having these, like... visions.

Visions?

It's... it's kinda hard to explain.

You know?

I get these overwhelming urges to, uh...

Sometimes you gotta act on an urge.

Oh! Oh, my God.

- I'm so sorry.
- No.

- I will...
- No, no.

Ooh, I didn't want to be this person.

- I got to go.
- Fuck me.

I didn't leave you.

Okay, I don't know, I...

I wasn't thinking.

I know, Sunny, but that's your problem.
You don't think.

You weren't thinking about me then,

you're certainly not thinking
about me now.

So, just do yourself a favor
and don't think.

Just sign the papers.

Gargoyle! Gargoyle!

Gargoyle! Gargoyle!

Fucking gargoyle style, yeah!

Let's go!

But it's so far... I'd die.

Are you kidding?

Women love a bold gesture, you idiot.

You'd be a legend.

If you make the jump...
And I think you will...

You'd start a pool party and shit.

You'd be remembered forever.

I'd do it, but... I'm a bitch.

We're already in the pool.

Come on in. The water's great.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Katie, I love you!

Whoopsie.

That was a whoopsie.

It's prom night!

Now, don't drink too much, you guys.

We've got finals
at the end of the week.

I'm begging you.
I'm begging you, please.

And remember, this year's dinner
will be a potluck.

So, bring a dish!

And be sure to cast your ballot
for our king and queen.

And once again, reminder to take
your schoolwork seriously.

There's a lot going on,
but... this is real school.

Thank you.

The school board is unhappy.

Okay. Why?

We've seen the progress reports. Woof!

Are you aware that nearly
every student is failing?

- Nice.
- If these students don't pass,

they don't graduate.

They don't graduate,
they have to redo the semester.

The normal school year
resumes in less than a week,

and we can't have 30-somethings
intermingling with teenagers.

- You're right.
- It'd be an absolute PR nightmare.

- Yes, sir.
- And that is the exact opposite

- of what we set out to accomplish here.
- Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Absolutely, sir.

Uh, not to mention...

a student died at a party...

- and no one seems to care.
- Oh, we care.

Sir, I'm... We care.

What's the student's name?

Jiminy.

You think that the dead
student's name was Jiminy?

No.

If you don't get these grades up

and those students
don't graduate

you're fired.

Another dead man!

A good-looking guy
jammed into a suitcase

in the air ducts
of the Pizza Hut on Fourth.

Dear God!
I hope the pizza's okay.

The pizza's delicious.

The sauce is pretty sweet,
and sometimes,

even the crust
is literally stuffed with shit.

Wow, I'll have to try that.

You see to it that you do.

We'd like to bring
your husband downtown.

My sweet Francois?
Oh, my heavens!

Tell the man you ain't done did it!

Tell the world you killed

- those good-looking guys.
- What have I done?

♪ Oh, how can I live,
how can I sleep ♪

♪ I'm an animal ♪

Holy Christ, stop!

Why the fuck are you singing?

'Cause I was feeling it.

It's not a musical, okay?
There's no singing.

It's a confession... I-I mean, a play.

It's a play.

Just say the words

like you're a fucking robot.

Does that compute?

Thank God. Class is over.

Or the bell is broken?

Either way, I don't give a shit.
Kick rocks.

Fucking leave!

Is it me?

Oh, Jesus.

It's a confession.

"Rest your tired eyes
as I peg your ass..."

Oh, my God.

"over the hood of my 2005
Subaru Outback 2.5i.

"I'll suck yo thang

till you turn inside out
in my Subaru Outback."

Are they all like this?

Well, they're not all
so car specific.

Don't write anymore, alright?

Don't tell anybody
you're gonna suck no thangs.

I think I just find it so hot
'cause of the power dynamic,

and they're also legal, so it...

Get out!

Say it in a way
that I can understand it.

Sign... the... papers.

Make a good argument.

I already made a ton
of fucking arg...

Make a...

Teacher!

I see you've been writing letters.

I took some out of the trash.

I wrote this one on top
of your 2005 Subaru Outback 2.5i

with all-wheel drive and vinyl...
...cargo mats.

Oh, fuck! That's a hot car.

You have amazing taste,
and I bet you taste amazing.

Find me at prom.
I'll be wearing my pink flower.

Hopefully not for long.
Fuck!

Ah!

Smile!

Okay, let me get one of you
with the beans.

Alright, enough.

No condom. No condom.

♪ Don't look in too deep,
I wish I'd known ♪

♪ Never turning off ♪

♪ She told me the worst... ♪

Hey, hey!
No running by the pasta!

Boop!

Stunning.

♪ ...a gaze in front of me ♪

♪ Hoping to see it through ♪

♪ What was it we had planned? ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I wish I'd known ♪

♪ Never turning o-o-off ♪

♪ I'm sinking in deep and it's real bad ♪

♪ Not looking for a way to go ♪

♪ I'm sinking in deep and it's real bad ♪

♪ Ewah, ewah, oh ♪

♪ I'm looking for a monster to take back ♪

♪ Teach him how to ruin homes ♪

♪ I'm sinking in deep and it's real bad ♪

♪ Ewah, ewah, oh ♪

♪ Sky candy, lifts me
out of the catacombs ♪

- Hi!
- ♪ Takes a load off the bio do me ♪

♪ Sticks around so I'm not alone ♪

♪ I'm trying to improvise ♪

♪ Help without it though ♪

♪ Try to pull this off on my own ♪

♪ Without a reason, without a reason ♪

Oh! Hey!

- Hey!
- Hey!

You guys look so great.

What's up, y'all?
It's D-D-D-D-D-DJ Tim Alien!

Like Tim Allen,
but an alien, bitch.

Arooo!

♪ One, two, three, hey! ♪

♪ Now, one, two, three, yeah ♪

♪ Hey, we kinda... now,
one, two, three ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Arooo!

Mm-mm.

No, damn!

These ribs taste like a box of ass.

No offense.
I don't know who made this shit.

- The fuck!
- You don't need

- to try every dish!
- Hi.

- Hey Mark, can we switch seats?
- Of course.

You know, this is my first prom.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Mark, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Remember, we met on your porch?
Or should I say your poop deck?

- Aye-aye, Captain!
- Yeah!

Man, that was so good
when that was happening.

- Ah.
- Yeah.

- That was her.
- Oh, that was you.

- Yeah.
- Oh, so, you two...

When you started the...
Was doing the pirate shit.

There's already booze in it.

You're 35 years old,
for God's sakes!

Hey, what's up? You wanna grind?

No? Alright.

- Some pants really squish my balls.
- Oh, my God, I was just...

Um, literally, on the way in the school,
I was saying that about my balls.

So, you know tearaway pants?
The ones that rip off?

Hey Mark, could you just go get me
some fruit punch, please?

- One second, blumpkin.
- I'm so thirsty.

- One second.
- Will you go get it?

- My idea?
- Mm-hmm.

Tear-far-away pants.

They're just like normal tearaway pants,
but these motherfuckers go flying.

I've been missing you in class.

I'm sorry, I... I was just
so embarrassed about the...

No, no, I'm sorry I made you feel bad.

No, no, I... I was not thinking,
sort of on purpose.

Thank you so much, Earthlings.
Let's have some sex tonight!

Hi. We're The Marvins.
We're a real band.

♪ Ow ♪

- Let's dance, papi.
- Oh, yeah.

- Would you...?
- I'd love to.

- My queen.
- Oh.

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Y'all, pretty ladies
around the world ♪

♪ Got a weird thing to show you,
so tell all the boys and girls ♪

♪ Tell your brother, your sister,
and your momma too ♪

♪ But they're about to go down,
so you know just what to do ♪

♪ Wave your hands in the air... ♪

You know, you can dance
with someone else if you want to.

- Do you want me to?
- No.

I'm just saying, you don't have
to keep dancing with me

if you don't want to.

Yeah, but I... I want to.

Amelia!

No!

DJ mask, it lights up.
Makes me totally blind though.

What do you want, Tim?

Can't a man dance
with his husband... or wife?

You're my wife.
Sorry, ex-wife.

Come on, let's dance.

Oh yeah. Fuck!

Mm! Mm! Mm! Whoo!

- Love the suit.
- Thanks.

It's made entirely out of towel.

♪ Word ♪

♪ Up ♪

Unh!

Thank you, thank you.

Principal Nadler.

Oh, I love you guys. I love you guys.

That said, would you please,
please, please,

get your grades up, I am begging you.

I am begging you.

Alright.

Without further ado,

your 2008 prom king and queen,

Sunny Football

and Katie Cartwright!

Please join your king and queen

in their first dance.

♪ I have a picture ♪

♪ Pinned to my wall ♪

♪ An image of you and of me
and we're laughing ♪

♪ And loving it all ♪

You ever seen the movie,
It's a Wonderful Life?

Yes.

♪ All tattered and torn ♪

- I like Mark.
- Sunny, shut up.

No, I... hey, look,
I do, I mean.

♪ That we cry until dawn ♪

You know, he's weird.

♪ Oh, whoa, oh, hold me now ♪

He seems like a really nice guy.

♪ Oh-oh, warm my heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Let the loving start,
let the loving start ♪

- Baby.
- ♪ You say I'm a dreamer ♪

Is it spicy? Are you okay?

- ♪ We're two of a kind ♪
- Oh, you like it!

- You don't cry like that with my mole.
- ♪ Both of us searching ♪

- ♪ For some perfect world ♪
- Who cooked that?!

Mm. And how is Vanilla?

Oh, she's... you know.

I don't know.

You look incredible.

Oh, I'm sorry about my helmet.

Got a little boo-boo?

Actually, I was thinking
you should move back in.

Maybe we forget all this
ever happened, you know?

Hell, maybe I'll even chip in
a little bit with the movers.

♪ Oh, whoa, hold me now ♪

I was thinking too, Tim.

I gave you the best years
of my youth.

I'm almost 36,

the age I'm gonna finally start
living my life.

And there's just
no room in it for you!

♪ Let the loving start,
let the loving start ♪

♪ Oh-oh, hold me now ♪

♪ Oh-oh, warm my heart ♪

Why is this song so sad?

Now, in the movie
It's a Wonderful Life,

there's a pool under the gym floor,
like ours.

And the floor opens up
and everybody falls...

Dude!

Just do it.

They all get soaked.

Glug, glug.

What the fuck!

What the fuck is...

What the fuck!

♪ Let the loving start,
let the loving start ♪

You know, uh... you were wrong
the other night

when you said that I don't think.

♪ We're two of a kind ♪

I thought about what a life
with you would be like.

♪ Some perfect world we know
we'll never find ♪

And how you'd look when we're old.

If you still smelled the same.

♪ Yeah, yeah, go far away ♪

And I thought about what
I would say to get you back.

♪ That there's nowhere
that I'd rather be ♪

♪ Than with you here today ♪

But now that I'm here with you,
I just want to say...

♪ Hold me now ♪

I'm really happy for you.

♪ Oh-oh, warm my heart ♪

I'm sorry for causing you
so much trouble.

But I don't regret it.

♪ Let the loving start ♪

I'm gonna be thinking about this moment
for another 18 years.

♪ Oh-oh, warm my heart ♪

♪ Stay with me ♪

♪ Let the loving start,
let the loving start ♪

Blumpkin?

Mark!

What the hecky?

Um

Oh, shit! Shit!

♪ You ask if I love you ♪

♪ Well, what can I say ♪

♪ The night's hanging open ♪

♪ The tape is all unwound ♪

♪ All the grass
is growing backwards ♪

♪ Going back underground ♪

♪ And all of the stations are missing ♪

♪ From the dial of my radio ♪

♪ I do my best to hide it ♪

♪ But I guess it shows ♪

♪ That I thought I was closer ♪

♪ Closer, but not anymore ♪

♪ Ahh, the night is almost over ♪

Oh, fuck.

"F" for "fuck"!

Ah, fuck!

♪ ...never done me wrong before ♪

Oh, oh. Oh, I'm peeing!

Ah! I'm pissing!

- Oh! Oh!
- Hey!

¿Qué es lo que está pasando aquí?
Pa' arriba, ah or a.

Vámonos, niños.

I pissed!

Okay, you know what, babe?

You look and you smell like shit.

- Let's get up.
- I failed, V.

Over and over.

I tried so hard, but I suck.

I'm gonna flunk school again!

- Feet up.
- Ah!

Tedi, look at this house.

Look at those beautiful children.

Now, look at me.

Do you think a failure
can have all of this?

I don't know.

You're a wonderful husband
and a loving father.

Right? And it's beautiful
that you want to provide for us.

But babe, you already do.

Yeah?

Yeah, and I'm gonna be here for you.

- For real?
- Yes,

- and all your little feelings.
- For real?

But it's really pathetic
to see you like this.

What's the point? I'm fucked.

I would literally need to get, like,
100 on all my exams to graduate.

I know I married a fool,

but I know for damn well
I didn't marry no quitter.

So, what we're gonna do is,
we're gonna get up,

we're gonna shave
this shit off your face,

because you have fucking finals today!

Ah! Chill, dude.

Listen, Curtis.

Hey, Curtis,

I... I like you,
and I was wondering if...

Hello, everyone.

Good luck this morning

on your exams.

Give it all you got, please.

I am begging you,
for the love of God.

- Mom?
- Oh, hi, sweetie.

You need some lunch money?
Or some other money?

What is going on?

I didn't want to burden you
with this, but, um

yeah, I'm gonna get fired.

Oh, my God, why?

The school board.

They wanted this semester
to be a huge success, and, uh

yeah, it's been a disaster.

What do you mean?

Nobody's tried!

You're all failing!

And if you don't ace these final exams

you're gonna have to do
the semester all over again.

What about my life?!

Say goodbye to your jobs.

I can't do this shit again!

- Say goodbye to your lives.
- We could party forever.

They're talking about
making you go to school

- with the teens.
- Oh, come on!

- Fuck!
- What the hecky?

Mom, I'm so sorry.

I really love this place.

After Dad passed,
I mean, this place saved me.

It was a place to feel community
and love again.

Its door's always open
to anyone and everyone.

A place to find purpose in this life.

Maybe now, it can be that
for someone else.

- There's gotta be something we can do.
- It's too late.

Everyone's gotta get, like

100 on all their final exams
or some shit,

to turn this thing around.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, I promised I would help you
do good in class, too.

You did your best, little guy.
It's impossible.

- I got a way to cheat.
- Yeah?

You can't cheat
unless you have the answers.

Are they just gonna fall into my lap?

What the fuck?

Remain calm, people!
Every bomb threat

needs to be taken seriously
until properly investigated.

This shit could blow
at any second!

I didn't call in the threat!

I've been set up!
Avenge me!

I did that shit.

Oh, my God.

- Yo, I got the answers. Shh!
- Get to your safe zone!

- Get to your safe zone!
- Hey, yo, I got the answers.

These fuckin' kids rock.

Alright, pencils down!

For those of you in the play tonight,
break a leg.

Where's Curtis?

Hi, I'm Whit Conway.

Five minutes till showtime.

Please silence your cell phones.
Or else!

Ugh!

I think you're really
gonna enjoy the show.

Honestly, yeah.

Huh.

Oh! Shit.

Shit!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, what happened?

Oh, no, the irony.

What a cruel twist of fate!

Oh, well.

Guess there's nothing
we can do now, right?

I mean, no actress, no show.
Dammit!

This would have been her moment to shine.

To go out there in front of millions
of Americans and stomp throats.

Just fucking slay, Mama.
What an icon.

Remembered forever.

Oh, well.

- I'll do it.
- S... What now?

I'll take her place.

Literally, who are you?

I have never seen you before
in my life.

Hon.

- You don't even know the lines.
- "How could this be?

What twisted malfortune is thee?
Another hot cowork... ".

Fuck!

Yes! Fuck yes!
She knows the lines.

Hooray!

The show goes on!

Go get dressed.
Fuck me right in the ass.

Where's Curtis?

What?

- Ah, wrong cue!
- Sh-shit.

Hello?

Another body!
Jammed the fuck in the ducts

at the Carl's Jr. on Sixth.

Uh, the one with the ball pit
that's kind of fun, honestly.

- Where's your husband?
- What... Husband? My husband?

What for?
He's been home all night.

Well?

He's been home all night.

Curtis! Curtis, it's your cue!

Well, he's... he's, uh...

♪ I can't take it,
can't do this anymore ♪

♪ I can't look into your eyes ♪

♪ And keep telling lies ♪

♪ One, two, three, four, five
very handsome guys ♪

♪ Chopped up in pieces,
I did it ♪

♪ But I did it for loooove ♪

♪ All of the nights you stayed up,
never too far from the phone ♪

♪ I sawed through their bones ♪

♪ And stuffed them into suitcases
from Savers ♪

♪ But I did it for love ♪

♪ Love, our love ♪

♪ Please remember ♪

♪ I killed those men ♪

♪ For love ♪

Watch this.

Arrest that man!

Thank you.

Thank you! Thank you!

Pandemonium at the theater right now

as the Handsome Man Slayer of 2007

has finally been taken into custody.

Handsome men everywhere
will sleep easy tonight.

Yo!

- I heard you made that mole.
- Oh, heard you made that bomb threat.

Hey, shh.

That was the best thing
I ever had in my life.

- Yeah.
- I'm serious.

I want you to come cook at my bar.

- That's good.
- Look, I know the place is shit,

but you could literally cook
whatever you want, do whatever you want.

It's a blank canvas, I promise.

Come on!
I may be stupid,

but I'm smart enough to know when I...
When I need help, low-key.

And here, I thought I had
to look up to see a star.

Thank you, thank you.

Uh, so that kiss.

Yeah, um

- that, uh...
- It... It was nice.

Uh, it... it really added
some romance, uh, to the play.

Great, yeah. Well, um,

if you ever want to do that

for real in real life, uh

I think that'd be cool, I think.

♪ Three, four ♪

♪ Nothing scares me
after midnight ♪

♪ I feel okay, I feel alright ♪

♪ Passing images of my life ♪

♪ Cast like shadows
in the dull light ♪

♪ But nothing scares me
after midnight ♪

♪ I'm alright, it's all good ♪

♪ It's not easy being lonely ♪

♪ And now I am living only ♪

♪ In the dream
of having one day ♪

I am so deeply proud of you all.

Every student scored,

like, 100 on their final exams.

Except for one student
who failed to show up.

Not sure what happened there,
but we are very disappointed in him. Very.

Anyway, I'm not gonna
stand here forever and gush.

This is your day,
you should hear from one of your own.

Please welcome
your 2008/2026 valedictorian,

Amelia Nadler.

Who the fuck is that?

Um...

When I found out
we were all coming back here,

I was mortified.

I was embarrassed
that y-you all would see

what a disaster my life had become.

But when I got here,
I realized no one cared,

because no one even remembered me.

And I spent the semester
obsoosing over that.

Looking for your approval,
your acknowledgment.

And in the end,
you may not remember me,

but I remember you.

I remember the passion
and drive we once had.

Oh, my God.

I remember the warmth
and comfort of old relationships.

I remember the beauty
of an unexpected friendship.

I remember the reward
of putting yourself out there

and pushing through
the uncomfortable.

And most importantly...

I remember myself.

People kept telling me
to look at this as a second chance.

But I realized there's no such thing
as a second chance.

There's just... chance.

Every day, every moment
is another chance.

So, to the graduating class
of 2026, I'll miss you.

I'm proud of you.

And good luck to you
on your next chance.

There you go, Amelia!

Good job, little girl!

Thank you!

Hey, y'all stop messing around
or I'm gonna start spanking y'all.

You want a pow-pow?
Come on.

- Just smile. Smile.
- Okay, alright, got it.

Okay, getting it. Alright.

God, I can't believe
you graduated, Mayo.

So now, they're...

So now, they're saying there's a chance
that maybe they're just missing.

- Oh, okay.
- And that I would have...

Where was the last place
they were seen?

- They were hiking in the woods.
- The woods?

Yeah, the woods, yeah.

Nice.

Got any plans for the holidays?

- Nothing, I suppose.
- Hmm.

You?

Oh, uh, I was thinking of maybe
buying a new car, actually.

Something spacious.

Something like, I don't know

2005 Subaru Outback 2.5i
with all wheel-drive and

vinyl cargo mats.

I took your letters out of the tr...

I got you these.

Signed 'em myself.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

I was thinking I might, you know,

stick around school for a while.
You?

Yeah, yeah, I think I might stick
around school for a little while.

Seems like we're both sticking around
for a while then.

Yeah.

Oh, do fuck off with that.

Love is so pathetic.

Whatever. Wanna get a hot dog?

Hey!

You dropped this.

Um...

Gee, thank you, Katie.

Shit!

♪ Oh, it's such a butterfly feeling ♪

♪ To have you for a friend ♪

♪ Oh, but somehow I get the feeling ♪

♪ That I'll be lonely again ♪

♪ And in a little while I'll be gone ♪

♪ Yeah, and in a little while
I'll be gone ♪

♪ It only takes a little while
to get along ♪

♪ So, come on baby,
give a smile and come on ♪

♪ Ah yeah! ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

♪ And when The Zombies started
singing 'bout the season ♪

♪ You know your daddy got up to dance ♪

We just cleaned the taps today.
No mold or nothing.

There's no... There's not
one bug in the kitchen.

Here, let me get that for you.

How's it going over there, Gloria?

How's your dad doing?
Is he still dead?

I'm just messing around.
We know he is. Anyway...

Guys, get that out to 42.

Looks amazing!

- Go, go sit down, enjoy it. Okay.
- Okay, thank you.

Alright, who's next?

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

Stop, stop it!
I'm right here!

- Lonely Hearts Club, huh?
- What?

Get in, bitch,
we're getting ice cream.

Okay, you know what?

Just take me
to the next town, Mark.

Uh, can do, Watson.

Just...

I'll take you to Pound Town, dude.

I don't think you know
what that means, Mark.

Seat belt.

What are you gonna put on this year?

I'm not sure.
I wanted to do Angels in America,

but I guess one of the freshmen
got AIDS.

So, I don't know.

- You'll figure it out.
- I'll figure it out, yeah.

- Love you.
- Love you.

Welcome to your first day
of English class.

I'm Ms. Nadler.

"What's past is prologue."
Who can tell me what that's from?

- Ron?
- Fuck me.

Uh, what's up?

Fuck off!