All language subtitles for Irma.La.Dulce.(1963).(Spanish.English.Subs).IA.US.UHD.4K.HLG-HDR.HEVC.10b-AC3.by.Geot_track5_[eng]

Tell me, how did
a nice girl like you

get into a racket
like this?

Well, actually, I was studying
at the Paris conservatory.

I was going to be
a concert pianist...

Chopin and Debussy,
like that,

and then the night
of my first recital,

the piano cover
fell on my hand.

3 broken fingers
and a broken dream.

After that, I didn't care
what happened to me,

as long as I could feed
myself and my little dog.

Thank you.

Do you mind if I ask you
a personal question?

You mean, why does
a girl like me

have to do this
for a living?

Well, actually,
I'm Belgian.

My parents
were missionaries

in the
Congo.

I don't want to
talk about that.

I understand.

So now there's just me
and my sister.

She's in the hospital.

She needs 3
transfusions a day.

Do you know how much

a pint of blood
costs these days?

thank you.

Sorry, pooch.
what's his name?

Her name.
coquette.

And what's yours?

Irma. They call me
Irma la douce.

That means
Irma the sweet.

I don't know why.

Phew!

I know why!

How much is that
in dollars?

$5.

Actually, I don't even
know my real name.

You see,
I was brought up

in an orphanage
near cherbourg.

It was destroyed
on d-day.

I've been sending
money every week

to help
rebuild it.

I've already paid
for a whole wing.

Uh...

that's all I have
on me, ma'am.

Actually, it was bombed
by the 8th air force.

Oh, not that I blame
you Americans.

But if you could see
those poor orphans

sleeping on the floor,
the rain coming in.

There are no beds
yet, and no roof.

Uh...

do y'all take
traveler's checks?

This, then, is the story
of Irma la douce,

a story of passion,
bloodshed, desire, and death.

Everything, in fact, that
makes life worth living.

The place is Paris.

The time is 5:00
in the morning.

You may have read
in travel folders

that Paris is a city
that never sleeps.

Don't you believe it.

At this time of the day,
there is nothing doing,

unless you're working for the
department of sanitation.

If you want
a nightcap at maxim's,

it's too late.

It's been
closed for hours.

If you want to
jump off the Eiffel tower,

it's too early.

It won't be
open for hours.

So, if you're looking
for a little action,

forget the
high-rent district.

You'd better come
to our neighborhood.

This is Les halles,
the wholesale food market.

We call it
the stomach of Paris.

You can keep
your champs-elysees

and your palace
in Versailles.

This is the place for me...

brawling, vulgar,
smelly, but alive.

Beef from Charolais.

Pork from perigord.

Iamb from Brittany.

Veal from Normandy.

Brains and kidneys
and tripe.

Pigs' feet
and calves' heads

waiting for
sauce vinaigrette.

Salmon from the Loire.

Sole from the channel.

Lobsters from Corsica.

Oysters from dieppe.

Sardines from lorient.

Asparagus from argenteuil.

Oranges from Valencia.

Melons from cavaillon.

Cabbage
from aubervilliers.

But man does not live
by cabbage alone.

And if that's what you're
in the market for,

just step around the corner
into the rue Casanova.

This is where the girls are,
or as we say, the poules.

You have your choice
of kiki the Cossack,

amazon Annie, Lolita, Suzette
Wong, Mimi the mau mau,

and then, of course,
there's Irma la douce.

She was born right here
in Les halLes

in a truck
behind the fish market.

Like all the
other poules

she takes her
coffee break

in a bistro
across the street.

This is the owner

he is known
as "moustache."

according to
the police records,

he is a Romanian chicken thief
named constantinesco,

but when he bought
this place,

it was already called
"Chez moustache"

and naturally it was cheaper
to grow a moustache

than to buy a new sign.

Sometimes at dawn,

the rich slummers drop in
for a bowl of onion soup,

but mostly the clientele

consists of the poules
and their mecs.

You know what a "mec" is.

How do you
say it in English?

A protector?
a consort?

A business manager.

Well, stick around.
you'll get the idea.

How are we doing?

Not bad.

Mostly tips.

I had some
real pigeons tonight.

Sometimes I wish
you were twins.

Thanks.

What's that?

What's what?
oh, that.

The last one didn't
have any more money,

so he gave me
a traveler's check.

Is that nice, Irma,
holding out on me?

It's only $10.

And you weren't going
to tell me about it?

I was going to put it
down as a deposit

on a hair dryer.

A hairdryer?
we're partners Irma!

You wouldn't want
to cheat me.

Let go,
hippolyte.

There's such a thing
as ethics, you know.

You're hurting me,
you big ox!

If you don't like
the way I treat you,

why don't you get
yourself another guy?

I will
one of these days.

Why wait? Why don't
you leave me now?

I'd take her
anytime.

Oh, you would?

It was just a joke, hippolyte!

A joke.

So how come
nobody's laughing?

Now, go back
to work.

Ox!

And so it was one big
happy family around here...

the mecs, the poules,
and the flics,

or as you would say,
the cops.

Your statesmen
and politicians,

they keep talking about
peaceful coexistence,

but here in our milieu,
we really practice it.

The attitude of the police
is "live and let live,"

and some of them make
a pretty good living at it.

Every other Friday,

the flics would raid
the rue Casanova.

Just for the record

a few poules would be
hauled to the station.

They'd pay a small fine,

and 24 hours later,
they'd be back on the street.

It was a nice, friendly,
civilized arrangement.

Everybody looked
the other way.

Everybody kept
his mouth shut.

Nobody got hurt,

except maybe
an occasional fly.

And then one day,
disaster.

An honest policeman
came on the beat.

Coquette.
come here, coquette.

You naughty girl!

Pardon me, mademoiselle.
do you have a license?

A license? no.

That's a violation
of ordinance number 56.

Oh, well, usually they
let us get away with it.

Not me. And another thing,
according to the law,

you're supposed to
keep it on a leash.

On a leash?

Mm-hmm.

Oh! Oh, of course.

Mm-hmm.

I'll remember that.

Just a moment.

What are all you girls
doing around here

at this hour
of the morning?

I don't know about them.
I'm just walking my dog.

Oh, I see.
heh, heh.

I have to take her
out all the time.

She has
kidney stones.

It's a shame.

Look, if you don't mind
my saying so...

oh, I'm sorry.

Heh, heh, heh.

You know, I've never seen a
girl in green stockings before.

It matches the ribbon
and my underwear.

Green underwear?

Say, you're new around
here, aren't you?

It's my first day.

I thought so.

Oh, I've been on the
police force for 6 months.

I was stationed
at the bois de boulogne

you know, by the lake
where the children play.

That's how
I got this medal.

What, for keeping
kids off the grass?

No. I saved a little boy
from drowning,

mouth-to-mouth
respiration.

So they thought I was
ready for bigger things

and transferred
me here.

Well, you're going
to like it here.

I'm not so sure.

You know,
if I were you,

I'd exercise that dog
somewhere else.

Why?

Those girls
over there,

something tells me
they're streetwalkers.

No!

Yes! I can spot them
from 6 blocks away.

Say, Irma, I just
got off work

so I thought if
you're not busy...

I beg
your pardon!

Irma it's me, Andre:
Wholesale artichokes.

I don't
need any.

What's the matter
with you, Irma?

You want me to take my
business to kiki the Cossack?

Is this man
annoying you?

No.
It's all right

not now.
come back later.

later?

I've only got
a half hour.

Look, officer,

there's a truck
double-parked there.

Why don't you
do your duty?

Maybe I will.

He takes
his work seriously.

I try.

See you again
sometime.

I wouldn't
be surprised.

What will it be,
officer? Cognac?

No, no, no. I never
drink when I'm on duty.

Matter of fact, I never
drink when I'm off duty.

Give me just a little
glass of Vichy water.

looking
for something officer?

What do you know
about that hotel?

Casanova slept
there in 1763.

I'm not talking
about 1763.

Just since I've been
standing here,

4 couples
walked in there.

Monday is always
a slow night.

Just between us,

would you have
even a vague idea

what they're
doing in there?

I have a very definite idea.
they're making love.

That's illegal!

Shows you the kind
of world we live in.

Love is illegal,
but not hate.

That you can do anywhere,
anytime, to anybody.

But if you want a little
warmth, a little tenderness.

A shoulder to cry on,
a smile to cuddle up with,

you have to hide
in dark corners

like a criminal!
phooey!

I wouldn't
call that love.

Spoken like
a petit-bourgeois.

It's flagrant vice!
It must be stamped out!

My dear boy, your thinking
is not only fuzzy,

it's economically unsound,

and I know what
I'm talking about.

I used to be professor of
economics at the Sorbonne.

A professor?

For 6 years, but
that's another story.

Then you should
agree with me

that decent citizens
have a right

to be protected
from this!

All right, let's take
a decent citizen...

married for 20 years,

works hard all day
selling baby carriages.

In the evening,
he wants a little fun.

A little companionship.

So he comes to rue Casanova.
he meets a girl.

She gives him
a little companionship.

He gives her
a little money.

The girl gives the money
to her boyfriend.

The boyfriend
spends it on drinks,

on cufflinks,
at the racetrack.

Sometimes, he even pays a
little money to a policeman.

Bribe
a policeman?

That's the
beauty of it,

because the policeman
takes the money

and buys a baby carriage
from the decent citizen.

Thusly, money is kept
in circulation.

Everybody's prosperous.
everybody's happy.

I don't
believe it!

It's elementary.

I don't believe there are
policemen who take money.

Oh, not all policemen
take money.

Some of the
higher-ups

have a more intimate
arrangement with the girls.

Well, there's one
policeman around here

who isn't
corrupt!

You wouldn't know the number of
the police station, would you?

Central-5288.

But I wouldn't be
so impetuous if I were you.

Have
your Vichy.

Desk sergeant,
this is officer patou.

I want a police van
sent immediately

to the hotel
Casanova.

Violation of section 34
of the criminal code.

Not littering the sidewalks,
that's section 43.

This is lewd
and immoral conduct.

There goes another couple!
I'm gonna raid the place.

You're asking for trouble,
my young friend.

To be overly honest
in a dishonest world

is like plucking a chicken
against the wind.

You'll only wind up with
a mouthful of feathers.

Don't worry, old man.
I know what I'm doing.

Do you have
a fire alarm here?

Uh... oh... a fire
Al... oh, yes!

It's right over there.
yes, officer.

Oh, it's in perfect
working order.

Wh... wh... where
is the fire?

Right here.

Ahhh! oh!

Oh! That's hot!
oh! God that's...

No, doggy, don't.

You're
under arrest.

All right.
all right, everybody!

Everybody,
the party's over!

Girls on this side.
men over here.

Hey, what
is this?

A raid!

Ahh! On a Monday? It's supposed
to be every other Friday.

Can I go back up and
get my stockings?

No. Come on,
come on.

Well at least you ought to pay me half.
It wasn't my fault!

I don't know what
she's talking about.

I'm a salesman. I was up
there unpacking my samples.

Come on.

Over.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself,

scaring a poor
little dog like that.

They ought to take
that dog away from you.

You're not
a fit mother.

Quiet! Quiet!

I'm gonna let you men go. We'll
need you later as witnesses.

What's your name?

Jack Casanova.

What's yours?

Andre Casanova.

I suppose you're
Pierre Casanova.

No. I'm general
Lafayette...

retired.

All right, let's start
all over again.

And what's
your name?

I'm officer
Nestor pat...

just a moment. Who's doing the
investigating here, you or me?

This is an outrage. I'll see
that you lose your job.

Shut up.

Do you know who
you're talking to?

Ah! Trying to bribe
an officer, eh?

Back!
everybody back!

Ok, ladies,
let's go.

Come on!

In we go.

Not so rough!

Come on.
up. Up, up!

Watch
that baton!

Come on.
up!

Don't handle
the merchandise!

In you get.

Take it easy!

Come on. Let's go.
let's go. Come on.

Here we go.
let's go.

Here we go.
just a minute.

No smoking
in a police van.

Just who do you think
you are? De gaulle?

Inside.
come on.

What do they
expect us to do now?

Collect unemployment insurance?

It's that new flic.
one of these days,

I'm gonna catch him
out of uniform

and then...

Up, up, up.
let's go.

Who does this
belong to?

Not me.

Officer, would you
zip my dress up?

Will you hold
this, please?

Oh!

Hey!

Say,
officer,

do you really have to
take us to the station?

The last time
we were arrested,

we drove right on
to deauville.

What a weekend,

18 girls
and 3 policemen.

And they weren't nearly
as cute as you are.

Wouldn't you like
to have your own harem?

We'll make you feel like a king.

King farouk.

Oh!

Oh, look!
he's blushing!

I guess
he's too young.

Maybe if we put
a moustache on him,

he'd look
older!

All right.
all right!

One false move
out of any one of you,

I'm gonna
let you have it!

That's enough, girls!
leave him alone!

He can take care
of himself.

No, he can't.

You know what he was
doing before this?

Policing a children's
playground

aw!

"Now, now, kids, stay
out of the bushes."

"don't take candy
from strangers."

"and no playing
doctor."

* little birdie,
pretty little birdie *

* little birdie,
fly away with me *

* we will build
a little nest *

* we will build
a little nest *

* get the best

* get the best

* in my nest

* in my nest

* little blue jay...

Come on,
get down.

Hey, stop it!

Every...

come on.

Here,
you dropped this.

Oh, thanks.
you seem to be

the only nice one
in the bunch.

They were just
pulling your leg.

And it almost
came off.

Sorry I have
to put you in jail.

Oh, I don't mind.
I can use a little rest.

Officer Nestor patou
checking in 16 females

suspected of
lewd vagrancy.

And 1 poodle.

How many? 16?

Yes, sergeant. Monday
is always a slow night,

but I'll do better
next time.

You will, huh?

Definitely.

Hello.

About
the little one...

don't worry, we'll
feed her around here.

Thank you,

but none of that horse meat
you give the police dogs.

She's got kidney
stones, remember.

Hey, patou.

The inspector
wants to see you.

The inspect... wh...
wh... did you hear that?

The inspector
wants to see me.

Maybe they're giving
you another medal.

Do you think so?

Not on
my first day.

In there!

Come in!

Oh!

Officer patou reporting.
you sent for me, sss... sir.

So you're the new man
in our outfit.

Yes, sir.

I've been sort of wondering
what you looked like.

Well, you've
seen me before.

I have?

Yeah. Don't you remember
at the hotel Casanova?

What was I doing
at the hotel Casanova?

I don't know what you were doing,
but I was raiding the place

you were?

Who authorized
the raid?

I...was using my own
judgment, sir.

It was obvious... a violation
of section 34. i... eh.

I'm sure that we
can get a conviction

now that we have you
as a witness.

And look at your uniform!
It's disgraceful!

I... uh... wh...

there were 16 of
them in the van,

uh... and they were
resisting arrest, sir.

And I was
resisting, too.

Uh... ah... b...

I didn't lose my head,
just my gun,

but I got it back.

Take off your cap when you're
talking to your superior!

Yes, sir.

Hey, Cheri.

You ought to get out
of those wet clothes.

I'll help you.

Look
who's here.

* little birdie,
pretty little birdie *

* little birdie,
fly away with me *

A glass of Vichy,
right?

Cognac,
please,

to get the taste
of feathers

out of my
mouth.

* little birdie
pretty little birdie *

* little birdie,
fly away with me *

you off duty?

Permanently.

I've been bounced
from the police force.

You don't say.

They had the
goods on me...

insubordination,
accepting bribes,

and a button missing
from my uniform,

so they took
away my medal!

Threw me out
of the barracks.

Reminds me of when I was
drummed out of the army.

Marrakesh. I was a colonel
in the foreign legion.

Was that
before or after

you were a professor
of economics?

No. In between, I was
a croupier in Monte Carlo,

but that's
another story.

Oh. One more.

So what's
your next move?

I've been looking
for a job.

I applied to all
the bureaus:

Customs inspection, post
office, sanitation department.

But once you've been
dishonorably discharged,

they won't even let you
clean the sewers.

I hate to see
a young man like you

take a defeatist
attitude.

The world is full
of opportunities.

Just look around.

There's 1-armed jojo.

Used to be
a safe cracker,

until he put a little too much
nitroglycerin in the vault.

And that's
Casablanca charlie.

5 years ago,
he walked in here

with holes in his shoes

and a pocketful
of dirty postcards.

Or take hippolyte
the ox.

Used to be
a purse-snatcher

around the market.

They all started
at the bottom,

but they had perseverance
and drive and vision.

Now they've
got it made.

They're retired.

They let their girls
work for them.

Well, I'm afraid
I wasn't cut out

for a life
of crime.

There you go,
selling yourself short.

Oh, maybe I could
snatch a purse

or crack
a small safe,

but to sit around
in a striped suit

while some girl
out in the... street!

I... uh... never!

You're being
petit-bourgeois again.

Life is total war,
my friend.

Nobody has the right

to be a conscientious
objector.

Cigarettes.

Pack of gitanes,
coming up.

Hello.

Hello.

Nasty night,
isn't it?

It never fails.
wouldn't you know,

just this afternoon
I gave her a perm.

Put them
on my bill.

Uh, can I buy you
a cheap drink?

Why not?

You think
you can afford

a peppermint tea?

Certainly.

1 peppermint tea,
coming up.

Here we are
again. Heh, heh.

Again? Have we been
together before?

I guess you don't
recognize me

out of
uniform.

Uniform? Oh!
about a month ago.

You're that sailor

with Brigitte bardot
tattooed on your chest?

No. It was
just this morning.

I arrested you.

Oh, of course.

I'm sorry. I never
remember a face.

Oh.

How long did they keep you
in the police station?

About an hour.

I was out much faster than that.

Sugar?

Thanks.

Say, that hotel, tell me,
what are the rates?

Why?

I'm looking
for a room.

They charge
by the hour.

Nobody can afford
to live there.

Besides, the don't take
anybody with luggage.

Hey, Irma!

Let's have it.

Is that all?

It's the weather. Nothing's
happening out there.

Well, get out
and make it happen.

You mind if I
dry off first?

On your way. I haven't
won a hand all evening.

You know, when I was walking
a beat on a night like this,

I used to wear 2 pairs of wool socks.
you ought to try it.

How about long
underwear?

By all means.

Also, I used to put
an old newspaper

inside my coat

to keep
my chest warm.

Look, mister, I'm in a very
competitive business.

Well, you have
1 advantage,

at least you get indoors once
in a while and off your feet.

I'm sorry.

Forget it.

You really ought to
cut down on it.

I mean, one
after another!

Mind your
own business.

Well, you want to smoke
yourself to death, i...

oh.

I've met fellas that asked me
to do a lot of crazy things,

but not to
give up smoking.

Well, I don't mean
to get personal,

it's just that
I like you. i...

when I was living
in Dijon,

there was this girl
that I was in love with...

and I remind
you of her.

As a matter of fact, you don't
look anything like her at all.

But she was
a heavy smoker,

60 cigarettes
a day,

coughing
all the time. Gee.

What are you
hanging around for?

I said out!

Please,
you're interrupting.

All right, all right.
we were just talking.

About
smoking.

Talk on your own time,
not during working hours.

I would strongly
advise you

to let go
of the lady.

Oh, it's you!

I'll give you
exactly 5 seconds. 1...

2...3... 4... 5.

Well,
that's better.

Outside.

And don't come back
with any excuses.

I need 100 francs.

Hey, watch it.
this is a new hat.

Had enough?

Ugh!

Now I'm mad.

Now I am
really mad,

and when I get mad,
I'm like a tiger!

Do you hear that, boys?
he's a tiger.

Hey, girls!
a fight!

Hey!

Ahhh.

All right.

Who's next?

Cognac.

Would you care for
another peppermint tea?

No, thank you.

Put everything
on my bill.

Shall we go?

We might
as well.

I'm getting bored
with this place.

Where are
we going?

To my apartment.

I thought you lived
in the hotel.

That's my
business address.

Come on.
you're getting wet.

Now, don't expect too much
when we get up there.

Not at all.

I have no rugs,
no icebox.

As long as you have
an empty couch.

No couch.

I also have to
get curtains.

You see, they're working
across the street

repairing
the roof.

And I sleep
in the nude.

Well, it's about time
they started fixing up...

you mean you don't
wear anything?

Nothing but
a sleeping mask.

Oh.

Well, that's
all right, then,

because the workmen wouldn't
recognize you anyway.

You know what I've got?
an electric blanket.

You do?

It was a present
from somebody

with the American
embassy.

That must
be nice,

an electric blanket
on a night like this.

Only it doesn't work.

They've got a different kind
of electricity there.

Ac or dc or
something.

That's too bad.

Don't worry.
you won't be cold.

I'm not worried.

It's very attractive.

It has atmosphere.

It used to be
a studio.

A painter
once lived here.

Poor guy,
he was starving.

Tried everything,
even cut his ear off.

What, van gogh?

No. I think
his name was Schwartz.

Would you believe it?
I'm an artist myself.

I believe it.

See this bed?

Yes.

I painted it.

Oh! Oh! Oh,
heh, heh, yes.

Uh,
very good job.

It looked
just awful

when I found it
at the flea market.

Uh, can I borrow
a newspaper?

You want to read?

No, of course not.

Can I take
your stockings off?

Sure. Go ahead.

You really are shy,
aren't you?

Me? Shy?

Not particularly.

It's... it's just, uh...

the kind of world
we live in.

What I mean is,
if you hate somebody,

you can do that
anytime, anyplace,

but if you like
somebody, hmph...

you've got to hide
in dark corners.

You know,
I'm sort of glad

about that girl in Dijon
with the cough.

You are?

Because, frankly,
in the police van

I thought that you'd
never in your life, uh...

oh, she wasn't
the only girl.

I've had more
than 1 girl.

How many?

Altogether?

Let me see...

3?

Not as many
as that.

What's
your name?

Nestor.
Nestor patou.

Well, don't take
all night, Nestor patou.

I won't.

Didn't you say you had
a sleeping mask?

You're really
something.

What's going on?
what are you doing?

Irma!

Irma!

Irma!

Irma!

Irma!

Irma.

Where are you,
Irma?

Where are you,
Irma? Hmm?

Mmm?

What are you doing
way over there?

It's 4:00
in the afternoon.

Come back.

What's gotten
into you?

I don't know. I guess
I've become an addict.

Irma!

What do you want?

I want
to talk to you.

You go to hell!

I'm coming up
to get my clothes.

Just a minute.

Who is it?
that big ox again?

Uh-huh.

Look, if you 2 have something
personal to discuss...

just stay right
where you are.

Catch.

What about my suits
and my silk shirts

and my jewelry?

This is what
you came with,

and this is what
you're leaving with.

Why, you little...

you're lucky I don't take
back that gold tooth.

I'm going to come up there
and break your arm!

Oh, you are?

Tiger.

Come on out,
tiger.

You want my friend here
to beat you up again?

You'll be
hearing from me.

And
stay away!

You could beat him up
again, couldn't you?

Naturally.

It's just that I don't
like to pick on anybody

who isn't my size.

How did you
get mixed up

with a character
like that anyway?

You should have seen
the one I had before.

He was not
only mean,

he used to run around
with other women,

and on my money.

Why do you have to
have anybody at all?

Everybody
needs somebody,

like coquette
needs me.

Who wants to be
a stray dog?

You've got to
belong to someone,

even if he kicks you
once in a while.

Don't you have
any family?

No. My mother was a very
successful woman.

She used to have
the same spot

outside the hotel
that I do.

Then one day,
she met a guy,

fell in love with
him and quit.

That's
very romantic.

Romantic?
It's stupid.

Gave up her career.
for what?

Some slob
from the market.

Dragged around those
heavy sides of beef

till he
dropped dead.

By then,
it was too late

for mama to make
a comeback.

She wound up as
a cashier in the fish market.

Only smart thing
she ever did

was not marry
my father.

You mean,
you're not Le...

legitimate?

That's right.

You'd think with
a background like that

I'd have turned out
no good.

I know you're
doing very well,

but a girl
like you...

there's other
kinds of jobs.

This isn't just a job!
It's a profession.

Of course.

Eh... uh... somebody has
to do these things,

but in your case...

I mean, now that
I know you better.

I get that all
the time.

Just the other night,
I ran across a man

who thought I was too good
for this kind of work,

and you know what
he does for a living?

He's a mortician!
now, I ask you.

Ask me what?

Why is it 9 out of 10
try to reform me?

You're not
one of those, are you?

Who, me? Oh, no.

I used to be
one of those...

petit-bourgeois...
but that was yesterday.

I know better now.

I don't think
she cares for me.

You 2 better
make friends

if you're going
to live here.

We'd better...
live here?

Why? Don't you
like the idea?

Sure...
i like the idea.

It's just that
I had no idea.

Mmm, is this all
you've got?

Huh? Just my old uniform
and my toilet kit.

Try one of those
suits in the closet.

Go ahead.
oh.

Let's see
how you look

in the brown one
with the pinstripes.

He hardly
ever wore it.

Said it was
too conservative.

I'm afraid the sleeves
may be a little...

don't worry
about that.

There's a brown derby
that goes with it.

What are
the glasses for?

The races.

Oh, they look
very powerful.

Whoops.

What's the matter?

Wrong end.
heh ha!

You want me
to turn around?

No. I mean the glasses.

I'll bet nobody ever
saw you like this before.

You'd lose.

Through
field glasses?

No bet.

You know,
when I first met you,

I thought you were pretty.
I was totally wrong.

You're beautiful.

You're out of your mind
or out of focus.

Without make-up, you look
about 14 years old.

I wore make-up
when I was 14

so I could
pass for 17,

and then by the time
I was 17...

never mind.

I don't want
to hear about it.

This coat
looks ridiculous.

Well,
have it fixed.

Just take it in to
Maurice the tailor.

All right, but I won't
wear the hat.

But you have to.

It all goes together...

the suit, the hat
the glasses.

For when you go
to the racetrack.

The racetrack?

Well, who's got time
for the racetrack?

I've got to get
myself a job.

What do you mean,
a job?

I'm sure I can find something
around the market...

unloading trucks,
cleaning the stalls...

What's
the matter?

Did I say
something wrong?

You're starting
to make me feel cheap.

Cheap?

How would it look

if I let you
go to work?

Do you want
the other girls

to think I can't
support my man?

Irma.

I want you to be
better dressed

than anybody else.

I want you to have more
money in your pockets.

I want to be
proud of you.

But, Irma, you
don't understand.

I never felt like this
about anybody.

That's why I'm
going to work

twice as hard
for you

as I ever did for
any of the others.

*

Your turn.

Hey, tiger.

I don't feel like
playing anymore.

Get somebody else.

Give me a drink.

Cognac? Pernod?
calvados?

Yeah,
and in that order.

Why don't you shut
that damn jukebox off?

What's the problem?
you're sitting pretty.

You've got a gold mine
working for you.

And shut yourself
off, too.

Say, I'm looking for Irma,

you know, the one with the green
stockings and the bow-wow.

She's not here.
go away.

I've been away...
Tangiers, Naples, Cairo.

I've met up with a lot
of dames,

but there's nothing
like that Irma.

Get out of here.

What is this?

I know about you.

You're the one
with Brigitte bardot

tattooed
on your chest!

Hey, you crazy?

Aah!

She must know
2 sailors.

That's a hell of a way
to treat a customer.

I just can't
take it.

I'm so jealous, I'm
going out of my mind.

You must be...

a mec falling
in love with his poule.

You're like an impresario,
you're handling pavlova.

And you want her
to dance just for you?

It's a god-given talent.

It was meant to be
shared with the public.

Again.

Hey!
there's the bow-wow!

Come on, sailor!
keep rowing!

Whew!
what a night!

Everybody seems to
have the same idea.

Always happens when
there's a full moon.

I haven't even had time
to catch my breath.

How's my baby?

Fine.

No, he isn't.

As a matter of fact,
he's very grouchy.

We can fix that.

I have a little
present for you.

What is it?

A stickpin.
you put it in your tie.

I don't need it.

Yes, you do.

Mimi got
Casablanca charlie one.

This one
has real sapphires.

Come on,
let's go, Irma.

Go where?

Home.

It's only 1:00.
a package of gitanes.

You know I never
quit before 5:00.

Take the
night off.

Just walk off the job,
just like that?

Disappoint all
my regulars?

To hell with them!

Why don't we go away
somewhere for a week?

A week? What are we
going to live on?

If I stay away that long,
I'll lose my spot.

She's got the best
location on the street.

We never have
any time together.

You're out there
all night.

You sleep
all day.

If only monsieur Camembert
were still around.

You remember monsieur
Camembert, don't you?

Do I?
big spender.

Who is monsieur
Camembert?

That's what
we called him.

He was a cheese
wholesaler at the market.

He used to see me
twice a week.

Always gave me
500 francs,

so I didn't have to
see anybody else.

I had
lots of time then.

I went to
cooking school,

I knitted sweaters,
played solitaire.

He was
such a nice man.

What happened
to him?

His wife died, so he
stopped coming around.

It was a great loss
to all of us.

Hey, girls! Here comes
another busload of tourists!

Irma...

stay here.

You're sweet.

Kiss me.

I've been thinking.
maybe you're right.

I'm going
to give it up.

You are?

I promise you,

this is absolutely
the last pack

I'll ever smoke.

All right, all right.
we're going.

See you later.

Must be German tourists...
short leather pants.

Shut up!

Tourists! Sailors!
wholesalers!

I'd like to
kill them all!

Listen to him...
jack the ripper.

What am I
going to do?

Suppose there was
just 1 man,

a rich customer
who gave her 500 francs.

Would that make you
any happier?

No! Well, maybe it would
make me less miserable.

How about somebody like monsieur
barnathan, the goose-liver king?

That nasty old man
with the gout?

She wouldn't like it.

Or somebody like
monsieur lionelli,

owns 6 restaurants,

comes here every morning
to do the marketing.

I don't know him.

A tall, dark young man,
very good looking.

I wouldn't like it.

What about one of those
Englishmen who drop in here?

You know, rolls-royce,
oxford, cold stream guards?

They're
harmless enough.

You don't
understand.

I don't want anybody
to make love to her.

Except me.

Sentimental slob.

I say there,
old chap, I'addition.

2 onion soups,
a bottle of wine... 15 francs.

Capital onion soup!
capital!

He he!

Pity we don't have
rubber pockets.

We could smuggle some
back to London.

Hah! Hah! Hah!

hah! Hah! Hah!

An Englishman?

Maybe that wouldn't
be such a bad idea.

It's worth a try.
I say there...

no, no, no, no.

Listen, moustache, would
you lend me 500 francs?

What for?

The perfect solution!

You're going to
give me the money,

I'm going to
give it to Irma,

irma's going to
give it back to me,

and I'll give it back to you.
It's very simple, really.

What are you
talking about?

Don't you see?

Irma's going to have a rich
lover, and it will be me!

Ha ha ha ha!
ho ho ho ho!

You're mad!

Yes, I'm mad!

I'm desperate. This is
the only way out,

and you're going to help me!
You must! You hear me?

All right.
let's hear it again.

The rain in Spain stays
mainly in the plain.

No, no.
through the nose.

The rain in Spain...

and show me
some teeth!

The rain in Spain stays
mainly in the plain.

By George,
you haven't got it.

I haven't?

Well, to a lord,
you wouldn't be a lord,

but maybe
to Irma.

Don't worry.

I've seen every English movie in town.
I'm ready.

Hold still,
your lordship.

Tell me just once more,
where is my castle?

In Worcestershire?

No. That's the sauce.
In Yorkshire.

I thought that was
a pudding.

Well, I've done all I can.
now, let's see...

homburg, umbrella.

Where's my
500 francs?

You mean,
my 500 francs.

Thank you,
old chip.

Not old chip!
old chap!

And not that way.
on the lift!

On the what?

The elevator!

Now then, shall we
have a go at it?

This may be
the biggest setback

for the British
since Dunkirk.

I know.
I was there.

last man
to be evacuated,

but that's
another story.

Hello, uncle.

Looking for
a little fun?

Quite.

Am I your type?

Not quite.

Cheerio,
old chip.

Got the time,
mister?

Indeed, but not
the inclination.

Hmm!

Good show!

Anything I can
do for you?

No, thank you.
just browsing.

I say there.

Would you call that
a miniature or a toy?

That's not a toy!
that's a real live dog.

I have a dog
myself.

A poodle?

No. A hound
of the baskervilles.

Magnificent beast.

But then again,
so are you.

You must be
British.

Terribly so.

Rolls-royce,
you know, oxford,

cold cream guards.

Tell me,
are you booked?

No.

In that case,
shall we...

I mean, would you...

that is, could we...

why not?

What did you say
your name was?

Irma. They call me
Irma la douce.

Well, if you don't
mind, miss la douce,

I'd rather not
introduce myself.

I don't mind.

In my situation, a man
must be discreet, eh?

You may call me...
lord x.

Lord x. Sure.

No, no, no,
my dear.

That shan't be
necessary.

What's the matter?

All I really want

is a bit
of companionship,

a shoulder
to cry on,

a smile
to lean against.

Say, what does
that x stand for?

X-centric?

Let me ask you
something, my dear.

Do you find me
repulsive?

No. Not at all.

You're rather
nice looking,

for a lord
your age.

Thank you.

You see, my wife,
lady x, she does.

Does what?

Finds me repulsive,
ignores me completely,

spends all of her time
cultivating the garden,

and what's worse,

cultivating
the gardener.

The gardener?

Yes. The other day,
I was watching them

from the turret
of the castle.

They were in
the flower bed together,

and he was pruning
her begonias!

Oh. They ought
to be ashamed.

It was such
a jolly marriage,

those first
few years.

We'd sit in front
of the fire

and play
double solitaire

and Chinese
checkers.

Solitaire?
I play solitaire.

Capital! Could we?
that is, would you?

I mean, shall we?

I don't care,

just as long as you're
paying for my time.

Don't worry
about the money.

You take the red.
I'll take the blue, hmm?

I once knew a gentleman,
used to bring me up here,

and all he'd do is scatter
some marbles on the floor

and make me pick them
up with my toes.

How odd.

I never played
double solitaire before.

Very simple.

All we do is play off on
each other's aces.

*

The rain in Spain stays mainly
in the plain, you know?

No, I didn't know.

It's a fact. Yeah.

That's where I met
my wife, in Spain.

In the rain.
In the plain?

I was stationed
in Gibraltar.

Your wife, lady x,
is she beautiful?

Very. And very
passionate.

So I can't
really blame her.

You see, I came back
from the war

a shattered man.

I was wondering
about your eye.

Oh. A bit of
detached retina.

Happened at
navarone.

Those beastly guns,

popping off
all the time.

Have a silver plate
in this elbow.

Sink the Bismarck,
that was.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, 1 eye, 1 elbow,

it's not tragic.

Ha ha ha!

What is tragic,
however...

I'd rather not
talk about it.

Well, if you'd
rather not.

I was in a Japanese
prison camp

on the river kwai.

There was a rather
nasty explosion.

Whole ruddy bridge
fell down on me!

When they dug me up,
I was only half a man,

a hollow shell.

You've been through a lot,
haven't you?

Well, mad dogs
and Englishmen, eh?

With Lawrence
in Arabia,

with Sherpa tenzing
up the Himalayas.

Ha ha ha!

And then there was

the charge
of the light brigade.

India, you know?

Gunga din, eh?

Bengal lancers!
ta-ta!

Yes, served under
commander whitehead.

And then
there was the raf

and the bbc.

Aha! Dunkirk! Ha ha!

But that's
another story.

* hmm hmm hmm
hmm hmm hmm *

* hmm hmm hmm
hmm hmm hmm *

say, have you seen
Irma around?

Huh? oh.

She went up there
at midnight

and hasn't
come down yet.

That's 6 hours!

You should have
seen the guy.

He was an old goat
with a beard.

I didn't
even think

he'd make it up
the stairs.

*

Ah, by George. I've
done it again, hmm?

1 more.

Oh, I'm afraid not.

Oh. I'd better dash
to the airport

if I'm not to miss
my plane, hmm?

You know, it was rather
fun for a change.

Oh, thank you.

There you are,
my dear.

Oh. You're
very generous.

Oh, not really.
just filthy rich.

Um... how often do you
come to Paris?

Twice a week. Why?

I was just thinking,

maybe we could
do it again.

Oh, smashing! I was
about to suggest

some kind
of arrangement.

I'd like that.
and so would Nestor.

Yes. Who?

The man
I live with.

Oh. And
he doesn't mind

that you come up here
with strangers

and, uh... pick up
their marbles?

Why should he?
business is business.

Sensible attitude.

The only thing
he does object to

is my smoking.

I'm trying to quit.

But it isn't easy.

Then you must
really love him.

Uh, shall we go?

Just a second.

Where's my
other shoe?

Hmm?

My other shoe.

Oh. Hmm.

I'm sorry, I really
must catch my plane.

Or lady x and that
wretched gardener

will be
running amok, hmm?

See you Thursday.

Same time?
same place?

I'll be waiting.

Cheery-bye.

Wheeee!

Ha ha!
this is our lucky night!

Oh, wait till
I tell Nestor.

All right, what did you
do with my shoe?

Would you give this

to the young lady
in room 9?

Somehow it wound up
in my pocket.

Mmm! Old goat!

How did it go?

You would have
been proud of me.

What a performance.
like sir Laurence Oliver.

That's
Laurence Olivier!

Now watch
your ascot.

My what?

Nestor!

Nestor!

Nestor!

It happened!
we hit the jackpot!

Wheee!

What happened?
what jackpot?

I found him!

And he's got
a castle,

and he comes here
twice a week.

Who?
calm down.

He's English,
and he's a lord,

and I'm going to see him
again on Thursday.

And he's
filthy rich.

You know how much
he gave me?

How would
I know?

Come on.
make a guess.

500 francs!

Here.

How
about that!

500 francs!

What did you have
to do for it?

Nothing!

Oh, come on!

Well, he taught me
a new game.

What kind
of game?

He beat me
9 times in a row.

That's more
like it.

He used to play
with his wife,

but now she won't
do it anymore.

She's got something
going with the gardener.

It's 500 francs,
all right.

later.

Hey, tiger!

Can we see you
for a minute?

Certainly! What's on
your mind, boys?

Congratulations!
you made it!

I didn't really
do anything.

Me and the boys
have been talking it over,

and since you are
numero uno

around here now,

we've elected you
president.

President?
of what?

Local 27
of the m.p.p.a.

m.p.p...?

Mecs of Paris
protective association.

Me?

It was
unanimous.

Well... that's a
great honor.

I'm sure you could find
somebody more deserving.

We accept!

Oh, I'm so
proud of you.

Champagne
for everybody!

hey!
free champagne!

Vive Nestor!

Vive! Vive! Vive!

*

Oh, I'm so happy!

From now on,

it's just going
to be the 3 of us.

You and me
and the lord.

Yeah. Heh.

Let's see.
500 francs each time.

That's 1,000
francs a week

there are 52 weeks
in a year,

so that would be...

darling, can I have
100 francs?

Sure!

It's for a hairdryer.

Here's another 100.
get some curtains, too.

Why are you
so good to me?

I just believe
in fair dealings.

Between labor
and management.

Come on, Nestor,
Le twist.

Hands off,
Lolita!

He doesn't twist
with anybody but me.

Get her!
Mrs. President!

Uh,
let's dance.

Whoa!

Want to pay
for the champagne now?

I didn't
order it.

President always pays
when he's inaugurated.

That's the custom.
270 francs, please.

270...

9 bottles... 8 for the
gang, 1 for her.

She had
a whole bottle?

How do you think she got
those kidney stones?

Well,
that went fast.

Now what about
my 500?

You know
something?

This isn't working out
the way we figured.

The way you figured.

I told you it was
economically unsound.

You'll just have to
advance lord x another 500

when he comes back
next Thursday, eh?

Oh, no. Not me.

How am I going
to pay Irma?

I guess you'll just have
to mortage your castle.

Or pick some pockets
or rob a bank.

I once knocked over
a bank in Bordeaux.

It was my father's bank,
but that's another story.

Shut up!

Bit of a sticky wicket,
isn't it, your lordship?

*

Dis donc!

Irma?

Irma?

Come on.

Uhh.

Mmm.

Good morning,
darling.

Good morning.

Did I wake you?

No.

Ooh!

Oh, it looks like
a beautiful day!

Uhh.

I feel so spoiled
and so lazy.

Do you realize I don't
have a thing to do

until Thursday?

What's
Thursday?

When lord x
comes again

oh.

You know
what let's do?

Let's rent
a bicycle,

one of those
tandems,

and ride out
to the country.

Trees and grass
and fresh air.

Not today.

Or we could take
coquette to the bois

and you can row us
around the lake.

Maybe
next week.

Then we don't really
have to do anything.

We could stay
in bed all day.

Oh, I'd
like that.

You want your breakfast
now or later?

Much later.

I've got a
surprise for you.

Huh?

Close your eyes.

Thank you.

When I was at the department
store yesterday,

buying the curtains,
I saw this.

And you know how
I feel about green.

So I tried it on.
there was a riot.

3 of the salesmen
got trampled.

So naturally,
I just had to have it.

Now, don't open
your eyes yet.

I want you to see it
against the light.

All right.
you can look now.

Nestor?

Nestor!

Nestor!

Not today.
maybe next week.

All right.

If that's the way
you feel about it.

My dear girl!

I was afraid
you wouldn't show up.

Almost didn't,
you know.

Ran into a bit of dirty
weather over the channel.

Unusually foggy
for July.

What is it,
my dear?

You've changed
somehow.

Have I?
well, how?

That patch.

Shouldn't it be
on the other eye?

Oh! Indeed!

Well, no wonder
it was so foggy!

Ha ha ha!

I've been
practicing.

I'll be much
better tonight.

Oh! Let's get at it
then, shall we?

Old goat!

*

How are things
at home?

Hmm?

I mean,
how's lady x?

Her usual self.

How's
the gardener?

It finally
happened.

Caught them red-handed
in the greenhouse.

No.

Yes. Oh,
I threw them both out,

pulled up
the drawbridge,

and started
divorce proceedings.

Oh, that's too bad.

Catastrophe!

Best damn gardener
I ever had.

Must be sort of lonely
for you now at the castle.

Very.
especially at night...

just me
and the family ghosts

spooking around
those 96 rooms.

How many?

Not to mention
the 400 acres

and the croquet field
and the trout hatchery

and all the horses.

I breed trotters
and pacers.

Separate stables,
you know.

I imagine there must be
lots of trees

and grass and a brook?

And swans and peacocks
and... unicorns.

It sounds like
a wonderful place

for coquette.

I'd like to get her
out of the city.

She drinks,
you know.

Really?

I keep finding empty
bottles under the bed.

Well...

love to invite you
to the castle,

both of you,

but I'm sure
you wouldn't dream

of leaving
your young man.

No, I guess not.

Although sometimes,
I wonder.

About what?

Is something
troubling you?

Well, suddenly,
he seems so different.

I mean, so indifferent.

He is tired
all the time,

not interested
in me at all.

I'm sure there must
be some explanation.

I'm beginning to think
he's got another girl.

That's ridiculous!

Why would anybody
with a... girl like you...

somebody ought to
give that young man

a good
talking to, hmm?

Would you like
to meet him?

Meet him?

He's waiting for me

in the bistro
across the street.

I really ought to be
getting to the airport.

Oh, it'll only
take a minute.

Come on,
we'll buy you a drink.

Thank you,
but, no, thank you.

I mean, while I'm
getting my divorce,

we really shouldn't
be seen with each other.

Yes. Yes,
you must be careful.

Maybe we shouldn't even
leave the hotel together.

Capital suggestion!

Shall we rendezvous
again next Monday, huh?

Of course.

Oh, I don't feel
right about this.

Hmm?

It's taking money
under false pretenses.

After all, I don't
do anything for you.

Balderdash!

Why, if it weren't

for this little
arangement of ours,

I should go straight
through the ceiling.

Of course, it must be
very boring for you,

oh, not at all.
I enjoy it.

Oh!

You've made me
a very happy man.

Half-man,
I should say.

Ahh...

well, ta-ta!

Toodle-oo.
ha ha ha.

And tallyho.

Oh...

up! Get up,
you lush!

Oh, look at those circles
under your eyes.

Carry on like this,

and we'll have to have
your face lifted.

Say, you're
the Englishman

that's seeing Irma.

I don't believe
we've been introduced.

I'm hippolyte
the ox.

What is on
your mind, Mr. ox?

I just thought
if you're interested

in something new,

something
more unusual...

twins,
you know.

What? Play
3-handed solitaire?

No, thanks.

Order!

Come on, everybody.
It's getting late!

Let's
take a vote.

All right. The
motion on the floor

is that every girl contributes
1 day's earnings a week

toward our
pension fund.

All those
in favor...

aye!
aye!

Aye!

Carried
unanimously!

Ok, girls.

Let's have it.

Ahh...
ahh...

I'm back,
Nestor.

Hi, ooh, that was
rough meeting.

Here
you are.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What's
that for?

You just
voted for it.

It's for
the pension fund.

Huh?

Just part
of my program.

Now that
I'm president,

I'm going to get this
organization moving ahead.

How did it go
with his lordship?

Fine. You know, I'm beginning
to like him a lot.

Oh. It's a good thing
the bridge fell on him.

I might be jealous.

Cognac.

Pernod for me.
nothing for her.

He's getting
a divorce.

So maybe now
he can come

and see me
more often.

More often?
I doubt it.

Where would he
get the money?

Well, he's got
this big estate.

You know
what the taxes are

on a big estate
in England?

Why, some of
those lords

have to scrounge around
for a living.

If he saw me
3 times a week,

that's 1,500
francs.

I could buy
you a car!

One of those
sports models.

Kiki thinks
she's such a hot shot

because she got her guy
a motor scooter.

Just wait till
they see you

driving up and down the
street with the top down.

And I'm gonna get you
one of those little caps

to go with it.

What are
you doing?

He's trying to get
the lipstick off.

Lipstick? Where did
that come from?

That's a good
question.

Well, it must have
been you.

That's it.

Me?

I was in the hotel
with his lordship.

That's not it.

Oh, yes. I... it was
at the board meeting.

We were taking a vote,

and one of the girls
was doing a little lobbying.

That must be it.

Just which girl

was doing
a little lobbying?

Come on, tiger.
how about it?

Hey, you dropped
something.

Where?

There!

Uh, now, please,
look, girls...

this is ridic...

now, I'm
the president here.

Uh-oh.

Well,
that's enough.

Let's shake hands
and make up, huh?

Oh... why...

yeeaah!

Now, girls!

Ooh!

Ah!

Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, no. You wouldn't.
you wou...

Ah!

Uh!

Ooh!

Good morning,
tiger.

How about some breakfast?
fresh croissants.

No. I better get back
before she wakes up.

You look terrible.

You must've lost
10 pounds.

15. I just weighed myself
in the meat scale.

What do you expect?
night after night...

loading,
unloading,

in the window,
out the window,

on with the beard,
off with the beard.

You're going to
fall apart, kid.

I don't care,

as long as I can keep
her off the streets.

It's a hard way
to earn an easy living.

Nestor?

You know, Irma...

I'm a little bit
disappointed in you.

You promised me

you wouldn't smoke
anymore.

Aren't you going to
say anything?

I suppose
you're wondering...

where I was.

I know
where you were.

You do?

You were out
with the boys.

Yeah.
that's right.

Don't lie to me!

Well,
where was I?

You were out
with Lolita.

Ha ha ha!
that's right.

That's just...

let me go to bed.
I'm very tired.

You've been with her
every night.

Oh, no, I haven't.

No? No, not every night.

Sometimes, I was with,
uh... amazon Annie,

and sometimes,
with Mimi the mau mau,

and sometimes,
with, uh, the twins,

and they all want me
to handle them.

So I've decided
to branch out,

you know?

Business is
business,

and don't
you forget,

around here,
I'm numero uno!

You make me sick!

Heh heh heh...

what are you going
to do about it?

This is
what you came with.

Now get out!

Uhh...

you're not
throwing me out.

Because you're crazy
about me, aren't you?

Let go!

Going to buy me
a new car, remember?

And a sports cap.

Let go!

And when you buy me
the sports cap,

I want it with a little
strap in the back.

That's what
you'll get from me!

Let those other girls
work for you

and see how well
you do!

You think
you're numero uno.

I'm numero uno!

Go outside
on the street

and ask the first man
you see.

Ask anybody!

Oh!

I'm sorry. It's...

well, here
we are in the 7th inning,

2 outs,
Maury wills on 1st.

Ball game coming to you
direct from los Angeles

over the
American forces network.

Marichal on the rubber,
into a stretch.

Here's the pitch,
and there he goes!

The throw down to 2nd base
is not in time!

He's stolen
another one!

Hello.

Here you are.

I was afraid
you mightn't show.

I didn't realize
it was so late.

I've been walking
the streets all day.

Oh?

Thinking.

Oh!

There's something
very important

I'd like to discuss
with you.

By all means.

Not here.

I don't want
Nestor to know.

Let's not take
any chances.

Shall we go up
to your office?

Now then,
my dear,

what is it that's so important?

Did you mean what you
said the other night?

Indeed.

What did I say?

About taking me
to England with you.

Of course I meant
it, if I said it.

And if you say so,
I must have said it,

and meant it.

I'm ready.

But you can't go!

What about Nestor or
whatever his name is?

Nestor, hippolyte,
Marcel... it doesn't matter.

Sooner or later, they all
give you a bad time.

The brutes.

If you want me
to go with you...

it's a bit
of a sticky wicket.

Look, if it's
in any way awkward,

I don't want to
embarrass you.

Oh, not at all, my dear.
I'd be delighted.

It's just it's, uh...

there's this ghastly
servant problem right now,

oh, and, uh...

the castle's
overrun with plumbers.

Moat is leaking.

Besides,
I'm a shattered man.

I'd be
of no use to you.

Are you sure?

Matter of fact,

I'm on my way
to Zurich now,

I wasn't planning to go
back to England at all.

Going to consult
a Swiss doctor,

a specialist.

That's a waste of time.

They can't help you.

I once
knew a specialist,

used to send some
of his patients to me.

To you?

The tough cases.

Poor guys. Thought
they'd run out of gas,

but they were
just stalled.

All they needed
was a little push.

A push?

I mean mentally,

to stimulate their
imagination.

Oh?

It's all up here,
you know.

I wish it were.

I had 1 patient
given up as hopeless

until I started
telling him

about the
south seas.

The south seas...
what a curious gambit.

It worked.

Lie down.

I beg your pardon?

Stretch out.
relax.

Hmm.

Close
your eyes.

I mean,
your eye.

No tricks now.

I promise.

You're in Tahiti.

All right?

Tahiti.

Oh, yes! I've been there
with captain Bligh.

Mutiny on the bounty!
ha ha!

Down, lord.

Now concentrate.

Palm trees
swaying in the breeze,

the smell
of ripe papayas,

a blue lagoon,
white sand,

golden-skinned girls.

Have you got that?

Blue lagoon,
white sand,

golden skin...

they're beautiful,
aren't they?

Are they ever!
ho!

How many
do you see?

Uh...

uh...
14, to be exact.

They're wearing grass
skirts and coconut shells.

No, they're not.

They're not?

They're wearing sarongs

and hibiscus blossoms
in their hair.

Oh?

Yes. By George,
you're right.

Now they take off
their sarongs,

and they
start washing them

in the blue lagoon.

Indeed! They...

look, it's no use.

I mean, I really am
out of gas... uh, petrol.

The tank
is completely dry.

All right.
let's forget Tahiti.

Lie back.

You're in Baghdad.

Baghdad? Now,
how did I get there?

Shh!

You're in a bazaar.

You see
an exotic woman

with a veil
across her face.

Big, black almond eyes.

She winks at you.

You follow her.

She disappears
into a palace.

There are 2 Nubian slaves
standing guard,

so you climb
over the wall.

How high?

10 feet.

I'll never
make it!

Try!
you must try!

I'm trying!

Ow! Broken glass
on the top!

Are you over?

Just barely.

Good.

Now... you're inside
the harem.

You're lying
on silk pillows.

Odalisques
are fanning you.

They're
feeding you grapes,

painting
your toenails,

while she does the dance
of the 7 veils.

She takes off
the 4th veil...

hmm.

The 5th...

mmm!

The 6th...

ooh!

Ooh...

ooh...

you will be gentle,
won't you?

Your lordship?

Are you all right,
your lordship?

I... i will be

as soon as I pull
myself together.

You know,
I think lady x

must have been
out of her mind.

I mean,
with you in the house,

why would she want to go
puttering around in the garden?

How kind of you
to say so.

What time does our plane
leave for London?

8:00.

Ooh. I'd better
go home and pack.

Look, I'm afraid
I can't take you

to my castle
in Worcestershire.

Why not?

Because I don't have a
castle in Worcestershire.

of course not.
It's in Yorkshire.

Well, quite,
but, uh...

what I mean to say...

I haven't been entirely
frank with you, my dear.

You haven't?

For instance,

what I told you about
the unicorns,

well,
there are no unicorns.

So what?

So she'll play
with the peacocks.

And don't worry about
the servant problem.

I'll cook for you,

I'll serve you tea
in the afternoon,

I'll knit you
sweaters.

I can be ready
in 20 minutes.

I'll meet you at the
bistro across the street.

Chez moustache,
all right?

Hey, are you there?

Your lordship?

Yes, I'm there.

I mean, I'm here...

and I'll be there.

The bistro.

Oh, and
one more thing.

Keep away from Nestor.
he's vicious!

They don't call him
"tiger" for nothing.

I say there,

this is a bit
of a jolly surprise.

Who'll it be,
your lordship?

Don't mention
that swine to me.

Do you know what
they've been doing

in that hotel room
behind my back?

What?

Shattered man,
my eye!

They're running off
to England together!

Who?

Irma and the lord!
she's packing right now.

She's going to
walk out on me!

Nestor!

He's going to take her
to his bloody castle.

She's going to
make tea for him,

she's going to
knit him sweaters,

Nestor,
you're talking crazy.

Well, they won't
get away with it.

I'll kill him first,
I'll tear him apart,

I'll throw him
in the seine.

Nestor...

ha ha!
phhth!

There is no lord.

There isn't?

That's right.

How do you
like that phony?

He's been lying
to her.

What do you mean, "he"?
there is no "he." it's you!

Of course it's me,
but she doesn't know that.

And she doesn't know
that I know,

but I know that she likes him
better than she likes me.

See?

She wouldn't even
take any money from him.

I think you'd better
have a drink.

Well, the world
isn't big enough

for the 2 of us.

Lord x is going to
walk down the street

and disappear
forever.

Nobody's ever going to see him again.

I didn't want to see him
in the first place.

Get my other clothes
from the cellar, will you?

Coming up.

Somebody ought
to warn him.

He shouldn't flash
all that money around here.

He's liable to get
hit over the head.

are you gonna warn him?

Me?

None of my
business.

In a way, I'm going to
miss you, your lordship.

Pull yourself together,
old chap, hmm?

Stiff upper lip and all that.
cheerio.

One more
for the road.

Ha ha ha!

Jojo, have you got
your blackjack on you?

Sorry. How about
some brass knuckles?

Good-bye,
your bloody lordship!

I hate to see you go, but
c'est la vie, old chap.

Ha ha ha!

I hope you float
all the way back to England

and I hope the fish
eat your bloody liver!

Ha ha ha ha!

Hey, police!

Police!

What's the time,
moustache?

5 after 8:00.

You sure your watch
isn't fast?

Maybe, or maybe whoever
you're waiting for

is slow.

Here you are,
baby.

Tomorrow
at this time

you'll be chasing peacocks
across the lawn.

Where are you
going, anyway?

We're going
to visit my aunt.

Really?

She lives in Brussels.
that's Belgium, you know.

Used to be
a concert pianist,

but runs
an orphanage now.

Oh, come on, Irma. You
can do better than that.

Is that
seat taken?

Yes.

Cafe Au lait
and a croissant.

That aunt of yours,

could it be she has
a beard and an eye patch

and her name
is lord x?

Because if that's
who you're waiting for,

he's not going to
show up.

Can't a girl
sit here

without being annoyed
by riff-raff?

We get all kinds.

Just a while ago,

we had a real live
English lord in here.

He was here?

Left about
an hour ago.

Did he say where
he was going?

No. No message.
no nothing.

I saw him walking
down the street

toward the river.

But we have
a date here.

Maybe he forgot.

Maybe he changed
his mind.

He'll come for me.
he's a gentleman.

Gentleman? Ha ha!
don't make me laugh!

You know nothing
about men.

I know nothing
about men?

And you know why?

Because you've been
with too many.

Thanks a lot.

You think
you're such a pro...

an expert on love,

you can't even tell when
somebody really loves you.

Like who?
like me.

Like hell!

You only love
that 500 francs

twice a week.

What do I have to do
to prove it to you?

Nestor patou,

I arrest you for the
murder of lord x.

The murder
of who?

You recognize
these clothes?

That's his
umbrella...

and his eye patch,
and his solitaire cards...

thank you,
madame.

Where's
the lord?

Somewhere at the
bottom of the seine.

Oh, no!

That's a lotta nonsense!
there is no lord x!

Of course there isn't,
because you killed him!

I saw
the whole thing.

He beat him up,
stole his wallet,

threw his body
in the river.

Oh!

Irma,
I... wait a min...

moustache,
tell them!

Yes, that's
the lord's!

Oh, he was
such a sweet man!

The old
familiar pattern...

young policeman turns
dishonest, becomes a mec,

and finally winds up
as a murderer.

It's an
open-and-shut case.

Well, you'll just
have to reopen it

because
moustache can...

shh! My client

has nothing more
to say at this time.

Your client?

I have a law degree from the
university of Grenoble.

Used to be one of
the leading

criminal attorneys
in France

before I was
disbarred,

but that's
another story.

Put the handcuffs
on him!

Just
a moment!

The accused
has a right

to confer
with his lawyer.

What are you
trying to do?

Why don't we just
tell them the truth?

The truth?
that's dynamite.

But I'm innocent.

The jails are full
of innocent people

because they
told the truth.

What's
your defense?

You couldn't
have killed lord x

because you
were lord x.

Only you weren't
really lord x,

you were a mec.

Only you weren't
really a mec,

you were working
in the market every night

so you could make
500 francs

to pay for making love
to your own girl

whom you could have
made love to

any night for free,

except that
you were too tired

from making the money

to give to lord x

to give to Irma
to give to you.

That's the truth.

And if you tell
that mish-mash to a jury,

you're a cinch
to get 15 years.

Wh-what am I
gonna do?

Nothing.

Just put yourself
in my hands.

Gentlemen, my client
admits his crime.

He does?

I do?

But let us
consider the motive.

Why would a mec kill
his girl's best customer?

For 500 francs,

when he can get that
twice a week every week?

It would be like
killing the goose

that laid
the golden egg.

Or maybe because they were
running away together?

Because he was losing
his meal ticket?

That's equally ridiculous!
he's the king around here.

He could have had any girl
working for him.

That's right.

So we are left with only
1 possible motive...

jealousy.

He was so much
in love with Irma

that he couldn't bear to have
any other man touch her.

Yes, inspector.

It's the old
familiar pattern...

crime of passion.

Nestor,
is that true?

Yes.

You did it
because you loved me?

Now you know.

And I'd kill any other
man who came near you!

Gets you right here,
doesn't it?

Take him away!

Nestor,
I love you!

And I'll
wait for you,

no matter how long
it takes!

You won't have
to wait very long.

This is France,
a civilized country.

L'amour,
toujours I'amour.

When the jury
hears my summation...

2 people in the gutter
reaching for the stars...

they'll cry,
they'll cheer,

they'll carry him
out of the courtroom

on their shoulders!

Hey, patou!

Patou!

There's a visitor
here to see you.

Oh, it's you.

Shh!

You're lucky I can't
get my hands on you!

That's no way to talk
to your lawyer.

Some lawyer! You were going
to get me off scot-free.

Crime of passion,

they were going to carry me out
of court on their shoulders.

Well, you can't
win 'em all.

15 years at hard labor.
for what?

It's too bad you didn't
get sentenced to death,

because then
I could have had it

commuted to life,

and with good behavior,

I could have gotten you
parole by Christmas.

But a 15-year sentence,

that's neither
here nor there.

Never mind that.

Tell me about Irma.
how is she?

She's fine.

Here, I brought you
a little souvenir.

Thanks.

Why doesn't she come
to see me anymore?

Why... why haven't I
heard from her?

Well, she doesn't
want you to find out.

Find out what?

She hasn't gone back on the
street again, has she?

Oh, no, no, no.
that's all over.

She's still working in the
fish market as a cashier.

Well, then, what is it?
wha-wha... i want to know!

she's expecting.

Who?

Who do you think?

She's out to here.
she's going to have a baby.

A baby? Are you sure?

Well, I would be
greatly disappointed

if it were
anything else.

When?

Any day now.

Listen, moustache, I've
got to get out of here!

I want to be with her.
she needs me!

Here. I brought you
another souvenir.

More stockings?!

And another.

And another.

Have you gone mad?

And 1 more.

What am I gonna do with all
of these stockings?

If you don't
want them,

why don't you throw
them out the window,

but first,
I would suggest...

that you tie them
all together.

What?

You can't
park here.

There's something wrong
with my motor.

Nestor!

Shh!

What are you doing here?
how did you get away?

Give me your hand.

Did they
let you out?

Try this on.

You escaped,
didn't you?

Uh-huh.
hold still.

Oh, darling,
why did you do that?

Now they'll give you
another 5 years.

I was afraid of that.
It's too big.

What's this?

We're going
to be married.

Married?

Well, you want our child to
be legitimate, don't you?

Well, yes.
of course.

How is the baby?

Full of mischief.

Yesterday
he kicked coquette

right off my lap.

Takes after me.

You know, when I was
6 months old,

I could change
my own diapers.

Nestor?

Yeah?
what is it?

I can't
marry you.

Uh-huh... what do you mean,
you can't marry me?

Because
I love you.

You love me,
so you can't marry me?

That's right.

Because it isn't
our baby.

You're not
the father.

I'm not...

who's the father?
I'll kill him!

You already did.
It was lord x.

Lord x?

Wh-what makes you
think that...

a woman always
knows these things.

I don't care.
I'll marry you anyway!

And I'll raise it

just as if it were
my own child.

They've got
the place surrounded!

Maybe you could go
through the kitchen window

and over the roof.

No. I prefer
the closet!

The closet?

That's the first place
they'll look!

Open up!
police!

Come on! We know
he's in there!

Aah!

All right!
where's Nestor?

Don't you know?
he's in jail.

You can visit him there
every other Sunday.

Cute, huh? Let's
search the place!

He's not
in there.

Not in there.

Not under here.

He's not under here.

Come here,
everybody.

This is the man
we're looking for.

No sign of him.

No sign of him.

You tell Nestor he'd
better give himself up,

or I'll see to it
that he spends

the rest of his life
behind bars!

Let's go, men.

What's
the matter?

Uh, nothing.

Let's go, men!

Did you hear
what he said?

What are you
going to do?

Well, the first thing I have
to do is exchange the ring.

But we can't get married now.
you must run! You must hide!

Nonsense!

We're going to have
a big church wedding

with ushers and
bridesmaids and flowers,

moustache is making
all the arrangements.

But they'll catch you.
they'll lock you away.

I'm so afraid
I'll never see you again.

Don't be afraid.

Maybe a miracle
will happen.

I don't believe
in miracles.

Don't you?

When I first met you,
you were a streetwalker,

and now you're going to
be a wife and a mother.

Isn't that a miracle?

They're just
wasting their time

looking for him
in irma's apartment.

Don't worry.
they'll catch him.

No, they won't.
too much brains.

You mean
nestor's smarter

than the whole
police force?

No, but I am. They're up
against a mastermind.

Oh. I'll bet by now

you have him on a boat
to south America.

Guess again.

To Hong Kong?

Uh-uh. He's right
here in town.

You don't say!

It's ordinary
common sense.

You've heard
about a criminal

always returning
to the scene of the crime?

Yes?

That's
so obvious,

the police would never
think of looking there!

You mean he's hiding
under the same bridge...

yeah.
the pont royal.

Now,
look, hippolyte,

if you open up your mouth
about this to anyone...

me? Squeal
on a colleague?

There's such
a thing

as the code of the
underworld, you know.

Desk sergeant, connect me
with inspector Lefevre.

Just tell him i... want
to squeal on a colleague.

Ah!

You!

I beg
your pardon?

You're supposed
to be dead, murdered!

Are you
quite sure?

I saw it
with my own eyes.

Sorry to disappoint
you, old boy,

but other than
a slight headache,

I'm feeling
absolutely chapper.

I mean chipper!

We've been dragging the river
for the last 9 months!

Where have
you been?

Fair question.
now, let me see.

I haven't
the foggiest.

All I can
remember

is that the climate was
rather wet and fishy.

It was
quite good. Ha ha!

Now, I trust that

that clears things up
satisfactorily,

so cheerio, pip pip,
and carry on.

*

Are you all right?

The pains are coming
every 2 minutes now.

Just try to hold on
a little longer.

Where is
the groom?

Don't worry.

If worst comes to worst,
I'll marry you myself.

You look
lovely.

later,
later.

Nestor, wilt thou
take Irma, here present,

for thy
lawful wife,

according
to the rite

of our holy mother
the church?

I will.

Irma, wilt thou take
Nestor, here present,

for thy
lawful husband,

according
to the rite

of our holy mother
the church?

I will.

Amen.

Amen.

With this ring,
I thee wed.

With this ring,
I thee wed.

And I pledge thee
my fidelity.

And I pledge thee
my fidelity.

*

Just a minute,
patou.

Oh!

I want to
congratulate you.

It was a touching
ceremony.

Aw, gee, thanks.

Awful nice of you fellas
to show up.

We're planning
a little reception for you

at the
police station.

Oh, can't it wait?
my wife is just about...

some sort of hoax
has been perpetrated,

and I intend to
get to the bottom of it!

You can't arrest me
in a church.

Who said anything
about arresting you?

I want you to rejoin
the police force

and help us
solve this case.

Rejoin the force?
gee, I'd like that, i...

not unless I can have
my old job back,

at the children's
playground?

The children's
playground?

Work for peanuts
and jellybeans?

I'm crazy
about children!

As a matter of fact, I'm
about to have one myself.

I just had it.
excuse me.

It's a girl.

Smoothest delivery
I ever had.

She's beautiful.

You delivered
the baby?

Why not? I used to be
chief obstetrician

in french
equatorial Africa,

under
Dr. Schweitzer.

Nestor.

They're not
taking you away?

Never. You can call me
officer patou again.

What happened?

Not now.

Oh, let me hold her.

Oh, it's going
to be such fun

bringing her up.

I can put her in organdy
dresses with pinafores.

Yeah.

And I'm going to get her
some green stockings

and a puppy.

Yeah... eh,
oh, no.

No green stockings,
no puppy.

No?

No.

Cheery-bye.

But that's
another story.