All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s04e21 - Guaranteed Not to Shrink

[Sighs]
One more thing, Dr. Hartley.

I'm officially bananas.

According to who?

Coronet magazine.

I just took their psychology test.

Well, you-you really shouldn't go by that.

Why not? It's written by
a real doctorjust like you.

Yeah, but there's
a big difference between...

an article in a magazine
and, uh, actual therapy.

Yeah,you'rejust telling me
I'm screwed up. They tell me why.

I'm afraid our time is up.

- Don't you wanna know why I'm all screwed up?
- All right. Why?

Well, you see, they give you- they give you
points for every bad thing that happens to you.

Uh, the more bad things that happen
to you, the more points you get.

Like, for instance, um, right here.

I got 100 points when
my garage collapsed on my car.

And I got another 1 O0 points
'cause I was in the car.

- How many points do you need before you're-
- Bananas?

- Yeah.
- Well, 250, and you're in the snake pit.

I have, uh, 1,000.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Elliot, the parking lot attendantjust called.
The caryou rented caught on fire.

Great.
That's another 250 points.

- He's really bananas.
- And proud of it.

- Could I have some coffee, Carol?
- Sure.

Boy, 2O years from now...

I'll probably be spending all my time
getting coffee for people.

Well, I'm sure by then,
the whole process will be automated.

Bob, someday, I'd like to hang up
my grounds and retire my filter.

Carol, that's a very small
part ofyourjob here.

You're very important.
You're everybody's right hand.

I wanna be more than a hand.
I wanna be a whole body.

Don't set your goals too high.

Carol thinks herjob is menial.

MeniaWAreyou kiddin'?
This is a wonderful training ground.

It's a terrific springboard to all sorts
of other opportunities.

Larry and I were
talking about this last night.

Why, he said that with
my background and experience...

my talent...

and creativity,
I could conquer the world.

Maybe you could go into
machine pounding.

Larry thinks I should go back to school.

What, uh-
What do you think about that?

Well, I'd like to,
but I don't know what to take.

[Smacking Lips]
Maybe you can take home ec.

How'd you like
your vegetable plate, Bob?

Fine, but it was mostly vegetables.

It was all vegetables.
That's why I call it a vegetable plate.

Well, call it what you like,
but next time, put some meat in it.

Bob, Emily, you gotta help me.

I'm real nervous,
and I don't know what to do.

Don't be nervous.

Thanks, Bob.
[Sighs]

It's great living next door
to a psychologist.

What are you nervous about, Howard?

- Oh, you mean before?
- Yeah,just a second ago.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm taking the practical part of my copilot test,
you know, where I actually fly the plane.

- Haven't you been studying?
- Yeah.

I know about, well,
wind vectors...

and about stress analysis
and, uh, transponder codes.

There's only- There's only
one principle in aerodynamics...

that-that puzzles me.

- What's that?
- What holds the plane up.

I think it's, uh, skyhooks.

No, I think it has something
to do with the wings.

Anyway, I'll check it out.
Thanks for the coffee, Emily.

Howard, didn't you do well
on your written exam?

Yeah, but, uh, the flying part is harder.
Can't cheat.

Howard, is it really important
that you be a copilot?

Is it important? That's like asking Emily
if it's important to be a teacher.

I mean,
of course it's important.

If you make copilot, you get
to sit up front and work the knobs.

You think, uh,
Howard will be a good copilot?

Oh, I'm sure he will be.
Even if he isn't, you know...

what's the worst that can happen?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi!

Hi, Bob.
Hi, Emily.

Hi, and, uh, boomalaka.

Wejust dropped by to tell you that
Carol just enrolled at Loyola University.

Oh! So you're a coed, huh?

- Yes. I wanted you to be the first to know.
- I was the first to know, honey.

- I knew right after I paid the tuition.
- Well, that's terrific.

You'll, uh-
You'll still be coming to work?

Yeah, that's the only bad part.

- I'm only going to school at nights.
- This is really exciting.

- What are you taking?
- Well, I gave a lot of thought to a career.

So tonight when I was
getting into the car...

I realized the answer
was right in front of me.

You're gonna be a meter maid?

I don't thinkyou can major
in meter “maidery?

Nope. I'm gonna be a psychologist.

Oh. Oh, a, uh, a psychologist?

Yeah, Bob,just like you,
except with red hair.

A psychologist? Well, that's great.
And you can study with the best.

- Who?
- With Bob.

Of course, now that Freud's dead.
Isn't he?

- Yeah.
- See? I passed my first test.

Well, good luck, Carol.
lt's-lt's a long, tough road.

Now that you're a student, we can get
season tickets for the Loyola football games.

Uh, I don't think Loyola has a-
has a football team.

They have some real animals
on the debating team.

I wonder how you cheer
at a debating match.

I guess you'd say, uh,
“You've got a good point there!“

Well, gotta go.
Got a big day tomorrow.

Well, congratulations. And may I be
the first to call you Dr. Bondurant.

“Doctor?
I like that.

- Let's go, Big Red.
- Dr. Big Red.

Carol, a psychologist.
What do you think?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I-l don't know ifshe can handle it.

I wish she'd take something easier.

Well, like, uh- like what?

Well, I-l don't know.
Something, uh-

Something simple, you know.
Something less demanding...

like, uh, a nurse or a schoolteacher.

More- More like a nurse.

Why can't you get your own coffee?

I don't know. Why?

I'll tell you why. It's because
you were overcoddled as an infant.

- I was an orphan.
- Aha!

Then you're overcompensating
for being undercoddled as an infant.

Just because you've been taking a few
psychology courses for the past two weeks...

does not qualifyyou
to pass judgment on my behavior.

I don't have to be qualified
to see that your behavior is childish.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, if you're right,
there's probably a good reason for it.

- It's not easy growing up in an orphanage.
- I'm sure it wasn't.

300 kids- unwanted, unloved.

- All we had was each other.
- Uh-huh.

Some of us were together for 1 O years.

We were like brothers to each other.

I can remember
every one of their names.

Go on with that.

Ambrose, Alex...

Derrick, Darrell, two Dougies...

Elwood-

Used to call him Butch.

There were threejims-
]im,jim andmjim.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings]
- I'm afraid our time is up.

Anyway, Carol, it wasn't easy.

- We'll talk more about it next time.
- [ Blowing Nose]

What's, uh-
What's wrong withjerry?

Sorry, Bob.
The confidentiality...

between patient and psychologist
is a sacred bond.

Is, uh, Mr. Carlin here yet?
Or is that confidential?

He's in your office. Bob?

Could I sit in on the session?
It would really help my studies.

You wanna sit in
on a private session?

Yeah, I'd really like to know
what goes on in there.

I don't remember
where I heard it, Carol...

but someone once said...

“The confidentiality between
a patient and a psychologist...

is a sacred bond.“

- Does that mean no?
- Yes.

Sorry I'm late, Mr. Carlin.

It's okay. Five minutes of anxiety.
That's 3O points.

- According to Coronet?
- Nah.

- That test was nonsense.
- Oh. Glad to hearyou admit that.

F/e/dfidtream tells it like it is.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Well, what's, uh-
what's bothering you this week?

- Mylife.
- Could you be a little more specific?

Well, nothing I do
ever turns out right.

Last Sunday night, I had a date
with this really beautiful girl.

So we went for a stroll
down by the lake.

Sounds like a very romantic evening.

It was until
we were attacked by geese.

Geese?

A whole gaggle of'em.

Well, geese can be very unpredictable.

“U npre“-

- Can I do something for you, Carol?
- No!

No, Bob. I'm finished.
You got two letters.

Now, where were we?
Oh, yes, geese.

Yeah, we finally got rid
of that gang of ganders.

Good going.

The last time I saw them,
they were in the parking lot...

honking at a woman driver.

- Clean ashtray.
- I don't smoke.

- Good for you. You gave it up.
- I never smoked.

- That's even better.
- So we don't need an ashtray.

- Elliot smokes.
- No, I don't. I quit last week.

Oh, good for you.
You must be very proud of the fact...

you no longer need an artificial means
of oral gratification.

He also no longer needs an ashtray.

Right.

L, uh-l really have
to apologize for Carol.

Yeah, what's with her?
She's startin' to make me really nervous.

Well, she's been taking
a couple psychology courses.

She's sneakin' around,
spyin' on me...

just like those geese.

Do you mind if I smoke?

- Emily?
- I'm in the den, Bob.

What a day. Carol's driving me crazy
with that psychology business.

She's gotta be stopped.
She got Mr. Carlin smoking again.

She toldjerry the reason
he became an orthodontist...

is because he feels inferior
about his teeth.

She told Tupperman the reason
he became a urologist...

is because he feels inferior-

I don't wanna even go into that.

Let's- Let's say that
she's driving me crazy.

Who are you?

I'm Mrs. Firman.
I'm sorry Carol is driving you crazy.

Well, what are you doing here?

I was admiring your bookshelves.

- Who is he?
- I'm Mr. Firman.

- Nice bookshelves.
- Hi, Bob.

- These are the Firmans.
- Yeah, we've met.

Well, uh, they're thinking
of taking an apartment in the building.

- The manager is out, so I'm just
giving them a quick tour. - Hello.

Carol is driving him crazy.

- I'm sorry.
- Me too.

- Me too, Bob.
- It's a shame.

Well, what do you think?

The living room looks a little small.

Well, that's because
their furniture's unduly bulky.

Can we see the bedroom?
Maybe it's not so cramped in there.

- Oh, sure.
- It's probably bulky in there too.

Walk-Walk sideways.

Bob, they, uh-
they really love the bookshelves.

Great!

Hi, Bob.

You were lucky to get
out of that wreck alive, Howard.

Oh, no. It's equipment
for my, uh- my copilot training.

Here, hold this while
I put on my training cap.

Very attractive.
You-You look like Daffy Duck.

No, no, no. This is for-
This is for instrument flying.

You know, teach you to keep
your eyes focused on the panel.

Bob?

- Bob?
- Over here, Howard.

Ah! There ya are.

[Sighs]

You wanna, uh-
You wanna see howl fly the plane?

I'd rather here than in the air.

Okay.

Now, check out all the instruments.

Okay. Trim tab's okay.

Directional gyro okay.

And, uh...

a bunch of other stuff.

Okay. All we have to do
is get this big bird off the ground.

Uh, Howard, you forgot the, uh,
“No Smoking“ sign.

Roger. Except it's over here.

- Sorry-
. Okay.

Now we wait for
the okay from the tower.

“Okay from the tower.“

Okay.
Pull the throttle forward.

[imitating Engine]
And away we go!

[imitating Plane Flying]

What is going on in here?

Not now, Emily.
We're over the Pyrenees.

Boy, when he said Carol was
driving him crazy, he wasn't kiddin'.

Is that Carol?

Get those people in their seats!
We're running into turbulence!

[Phone Ringing]

[Ringing Continues

' [Emi/ylsab;
_ Hmm?

Will you get that?
It's probably the phone.

Hello?

Oh, no, that's-
that's all right, Carol.

I would have been getting up
in another five, six hours anyway.

You're cramming for a test?

That doesn't mean the rest
of the world has to cram with you.

All right, all right.
I'll answer the questions.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, all right, here are the answers.

Schizophrenia,
paranoia and dog food.

Dog food?

She wanted to know
what Pavlov fed his dogs.

Boy, she's really serious
about this, isn't she?

Well, it happens to
all psychology students.

Happened to me. When I was
a sophomore at Loyola University-

Can we reminisce later?
Maybe tomorrow. It's gettin' late.

Yep. Remind me to tell you
about Amy sometime.

- Bob, tell me about Amy.
- It's late, Emily.

No, it's not.

Well, when I was, uh-
when I was a sophomore...

I, uh-l dated this girl named Amy.

She was blonde, tall and slender.

- She was- She was beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.

Amy was a- was an art student.

She was an artist,
and life was her easel.

Oh, how poetic.

- Emily, I'm trying to make a point.
- Oh, I got the point.

You had the hots for Amy.

I'm just lucky it didn't work out.

Emily, I'm not comparing you and Amy.

I mean, that's-that's ridiculous.

Amy was blonde. You're brunette.
Amy was tall. You're-

You're not so tall.

I mean, you're, you know, compact.

No, not compact, but, you know...

you have a nice... bulk.

Like our furniture?

Anyway, the point
I'm trying to make is that...

I ruined my relationship with Amy because
I questioned every painting that she made.

I tried to analyze it.

And finally, she got
so fed up with my analyzing...

she gave up painting.

She copped out, you know.
She went for something less...

something she could've
done in her sleep.

- Oh, that's too bad.
- [ Sighs ] Yeah.

She-She could've done anything.

Last I heard,
Amy had become a school-

A school, Bob?

She became a school?

Well, she, uh-

she only thought she was a school.

Actually, she was a bank.

Yeah, that's it- a bank.

Amy, the-the bank.

Here you go, Bob.
Hot tea with cream and sugar, right?

- Uh, black coffee, Larry.
- Oh, right.

I'm the hot tea.

So I-l guess I won't need
this tea bag in my coffee.

I'm sorry, Bob.
just not myself today.

I'm really nervous about
Big Red taking that exam.

I understand, Larry.

L-I just wish you'd be a little
more careful screening my calls.

Someonejust tried to sell me
a 30-week course in ballroom dancing.

Sounded like a good deal to me, Bob.

Say, could I askyou something?

I won't dance.

I won't askya.
No, I wanna know...

if you see anything in my tie.

Nothing except that coffee stain.

- Or is it tea?
- No, no, I mean the color.

Carol thinks I wore a red tie
because I have a lot of pent-up anger.

- How do you feel about that?
- Angry.

A little pent-up.

Bob, she's gotta be stopped.

- What do you mean?
- She analyzes everything I do.

If I sit down,
she tells me why I sat down.

If I stand up,
she tells me whyl stood up.

The only way I can confuse her
is if I crouch.

I suppose she'll come up with
an explanation for that too.

Well, all psychology students
are like that.

But you just have to put up with it
for a certain amount of time.

- How much time?
- Twelve years.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, honey.

Well, how'd he do as a receptionist?

Well, he's no Big Red.

Sorry I took so long. I had a little trouble
with one of the questions on the test.

- Which one?
- The only one.

“Why do you wanna be a psychologist?“

Oh, I sat staring at the piece of paper
for the longest time.

It didn't seem right to say,
“Because Bob is.“

Sol erased that and I put,
“Dog food.“

Well, that's just silly.
So then I put the real reason.

- Cat food?
- No.

I wrote,
“I haven't the slightest idea.“

Well, it won't take long
to get your grades back.

Carol, maybe the reason
you, uh, couldn't find a reason...

to be a psychologist is because
you, uh, you really don't wanna be one.

Maybe not, Bob.
I hate studying.

I hate being away from Larry.
And I thought it'd be a lot easier.

You know,just open up an office
and bring on the loonies.

- Hi, Dr. Hartley.
- Hi, Mr. Carlin.

I'll-I'll be with you in just a minute.

Okay.

- I don't know what to do.
- Well, try something else.

But the thing is,
just don't make a decision right now.

You're right, Bob.
just so I'm not just a coffee maker.

- Carol?
- Hmm?

How come there's
no coffee out there?

I'll, uh-
I'll make some right away.

Who's this bozo?

Isn't Larry terrific?

Yeah, he's, uh-
he's a very nice guy...

and he makes better coffee
than you do too.

Well, Bob, I guess
I drop out of school now.

You don't have to do that.
just, uh, change your major.

- Can I do that?
- Well, that's what I did.

I was in premed,
and I was taking biology.

And then I found out
I'd have to kill a frog and dissect it.

I couldn't do it, so I just
let it go out the window.

Well, that was
the humane thing to do.

Of course,
we were eight stories up.

Oh, my God.

That's what the guy
in the convertible said.

Well, thanks for breakfast, Emily.

- I'm on my way to take my test.
- Well, I hope you come back a copilot.

I hope I come back.

Knock 'em dead, Howard.

- [ Scoffs]
- I mean, good luck, Howard.

I know how to taxi and how to fly...

and how to bail out.

I just can't think of
anything else I need to know.

Do you know
what Pavlov fed his dogs?

Were they flying tourist
or first class?

Good luck, Howard.

Well, I'd better get going too.

Oh, honey, would you give
this book to Carol?

- What is it? - She wants to borrow it
for that teaching course she's taking.

Why would she wanna be a teacher?

She doesn't have enough credits
to be a bank.

You're still-
still sensitive about Amy, huh?

Amy? Tall, blonde, slender,
non-bulky Amy?

[Chuckles]
I'd forgotten all about her.

So had I. As a matter of fact,
I don't even remember her last name.

Miller.

That's right.
How'd you know that?

Well, I just happened
to be thumbing through youryearbook...

and that's the way she signed
the poem she wrote to you.

I think it went...

“lflove be the bread of life...

let me bake a loaf for thee.“

I wonder how
she came up with that.

Oh. Oh, her, uh-
her father was a baker.

You mean a bakery.

Yeah. Quite an unusual family.

Her, uh- Her mother
was a filling station.

[ Mews]