All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s04e08 - Whats It All About

- Good morning, Carol.
- H1; Bob.

How'd your
receptionist banquet go?

Well, it was hardly
a banquet, Bob.

just 12 girls getting together
to get smashed...

and to give out
this year's “Meenie.“

- “Meenie“?
- Yeah the Menial A warn'.

I won.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you, and well deserved.

I finished first in three menial categories.
Best Coffee-

Really?

Of course, I'm the only receptionist
in the building that still has to make coffee.

And don't think we don't
appreciate it, Carol.

I also won in the Longest Time
Without a Raise category.

And don't think we
don't appreciate that.

So how about the other categories,
like, you know, Typing, Dictation-

We don't have
those categories.

Why- why clutter it up with
stuff that isn't important?

- [ Laughs]
- [Laughs]

Oh, the third category-
which I swept, by the way-

was Thejuiciest Bit of Gossip.
You wanna hear it?

Well, I guess I'm gonna
hear it sooner or later.

Well,you know Linda Meyercroft,
the nurse on the sixth floor?

- The one with the big-
- Fake.

Well, that certainly
explodes a myth.

- Doc, you got a minute?
- Yeah sure, jar/y.

Come over here,
and take a look at this. Open.

- What do you see?
- A tongue.

No, Bob,
just look at these teeth.

Uh, bite. That's right.
Look at that bite, Bob.

Now chew.
Look at the way those teeth mesh.

Now grind.
Watch the molars, Bob.

See that? Perfect contact.
[Chuckles]

Maybe we ought to
check his hoovesJerry.

Isn't it unbelievable
how good I am, Bob?

The- The whole town
is buzzing about it,jerry.

Well, time for you to go out
and face the world there, David.

Keep smiling. Remember, a smile is
something that money can't buy.

Oh, wait a second. Here.
Give this bill to your mother.

[ Sighs ] I just can't describe the way
I feel when I dismiss a patient like that.

- How about richer?
- You wouldn't understand, Carol.

I'm talking about pride.

I'm talking about accomplishment.
Then money.

Which is first
for you, Bob?

Oh, accomplishment.

It really makes me
feel good, you know...

to see my patients becoming
well-adjusted and happy.

Dr. Hartley, I've never been
so depressed in my whole life.

What, uh-
What happened, Mr. Carlin?

- I got wet.
- I can see that, but how?

You know those fireboats
down by the Chicago River?

I watched them
test their hoses.

They work.

I hope your couch
is Scotchgarded.

You've gotta be
in it for the money.

Carol, see if you can scout up
some dry clothes for Mr. Carlin...

and would you make some of
your award-winning coffee?

Call Linda Meyercroft.
Tell her I'll pick her up at 7:00 tonight.

- Linda Meyercroft?
- Yeah, Bob, this could be the real thing.

I wouldn't
count on it,jerry.

[Chuckles]

You think
this is funny, huh?

Well, you-you have to admit, Mr. Carlin,
it's a little comical.

I sat there before.
Now that's comical.

Well, here we are- a shrink treating
a guy in his underwear.

I think I've hit
the real bottom this time.

Well, that's what, uh-
that's what therapy is for.

I'm gettin' sick of therapy.
I mean, when will it be finished?

Well, therapy begins
at the beginning and it...

finishes at the end.

Brilliant.

You have to think
of therapy as a-

as a train
that goes from, uh-

from New York
to Los Angeles.

Some people will get offin Philadelphia.
Some people get offin St. Louis.

It's up to you to determine
how faryou wanna come on the trip.

I'm still in Grand Central Station
in my wet underwear.

Well, then you should
to stay on the train.

- Nice pins, Elliot.
- Thanks.

Oh, this is
all I could find.

It belongs
to Dr. Rudell.

- It's a little feminine, isn't it?
- Not for her.

Well, I think
it's the worst.

Oh, gee, Elliot.
I don't know. It's not that bad.

With a blond wig, you'd look
amazingly like Carol Channing.

Know what you were
saying about the train before?

I don't care if we still are
in Grand Central Station. I'm getting off.

Don't get offin New York
dressed like that, Mr. Carlin.

You wouldn't
stand a chance.

You wouldn't
stand a chance.

- [Knocking]
- Who is it?

- Me.
- Come in.

lam in.

Hi. You all set
for your dinner party?

Yeah, except for
a couple of things.

I, uh, thought maybe you could, uh-
you could help me out.

Sure.
What do you need?

Well, I'm making veal parmigiana,
and I forgot to pick something up at the market.

Howard,
I don't have any veal.

That's okay. I'll just make
the parmigiana thicker.

Nobody'll notice.

- What is parmigiana anyway?
- Tomatoes and cheese.

Ah, I got that. Good.
Uh, except for the cheese.

That's all right. I'll just, uh,
fry up some tomatoes.

Oh, hi, Bob. Uh, come over
as soon as you can.

Uh, we're gonna need
the life of the party.

Howard, I don't, uh-
don't really think I'm up to it tonight.

I was talking to Emily, but, uh,
you're welcome to come if you like.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, dear.

We don't really have to go
to that party tonight, do we?

Bob, we're gonna help Howard celebrate.
He passed his written exam.

Well, I'm glad he
finally learned to write.

Honey, he's gonna
be a copilot soon.

- Whoopee.
- Aren't you happy for him?

Thrilled.
How was your day?

Terrific, Bob.
I may be a vice principal.

Figures.

Honey,
what's the matter with you?

I don't know.
I guess I'm jealous.

Everybody seems to be
accomplishing something except me.

Vice principal, copilot.

Evenjerry. He can make teeth as straight
as kernels of corn on a cob.

I've worked with Mr. Carlin for six years.
I haven't even seen his teeth.

- He never smiles.
- Oh, honey, is that what you want to see? Teeth?

No, I want to see
something happen.

I mean, I-l feel like
I'm the engineer on a- on a train on a siding.

- I'm mean, it's not moving.
- Oh, you know, I love trains.

When I was little, my father
used to take me to the station.

We used to watch the cars go by,
and I used to count them...

- and I used to wave to the man in the caboose.
- Em-Em-Emily.

- The train was an analogy.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Bob.

I mean, l-l'm not helping anybody, and I-
and I don't know how to.

Well, you'rejust
having an off day.

I'm having an off career.

Bob, listen to this,
and see ifit makes any sense.

just don't
worry about it.

“Just don't
worry about it.“

Thank you, Emily.
I'm cured.

Honey, if it's really bothering you,
why don't you talk to another psychologist?

Maybe I will.
Maybe I'll-

-I think I'll talk to Dr. Albert.
- Who?

My old college professor.
He was the greatest influence in my life.

- You think he'll rememberyou?
- I don't even know if he's still alive.

Well, if he's not,
he won't.

- Oh, Emily, something terrible happened.
- What happened, Howard?

Well, I burned the tomatoes.
You gotta help me out.

- Well, how can I helpyou?
- Well, do you have an extra 35 TV dinners?

[Whispering]
Uh, excuse me.

I'm looking for
Dr. Eugene Albert.

[Loudly] You don't have to whisper here.
This is the psychology library.

We have no rules.
You do whatever you feel.

- [Whispering ] Well, I feel like whispering.
- Then go with that.

[Normal Voice]
Uh, thank you. I thinkl see him now.

Well, then go with him.

Uh, Dr. Albert?

Yes?

I'm- I'm Bob Hartley,
a former student of yours.

Oh. my God!

I was-l was afraid
you wouldn't remember me.

Wouldn't rememberyou?
How could I forget you?

How are your three sons?

L- I don't have three sons.

What did you say
your name was?

Uh, Bob Hartley.
I was in the class of'52.

I sat in the back row.
I had a brush haircut.

All of them had
brush haircuts in '52.

Well, mine had
a part in it.

Robert Hartley!

After all these years!

I feel wonderful.

L-I feel wonderful too.

' DO ya?

Excuse me, Dr, Albert,
I've graded all your term papers.

I gave every one a

- Um, a “W“?
- For “wonderful?

Thank you, Webb. Oh, this is Robert Hartley,
one of my former students.

And this is Webb Franklyn,
one of my present students.

Nice to meet you.

I feel wonderful
meeting you.

Well, I'm-I'm sure I'll
feel better in a few minutes.

Well, now, Robert, tell me.
Why are you here?

Well, I, uh-
I need your help.

Well, what's the matter?
One of your sons in trouble?

No. No. I'm- I'm having some
doubts about my work.

Oh, what line
of work you in?

- I'm a psychologist.
- Well, now that's right up my alley.

I know. That's why I came here.
I need your advice.

I will tell you anything
you want to know.

Well, I-l don't seem to be making any progress
with my patients, and I don't know why.

Oh, I see.

Well, Robert, you see all
these books here?

I've read every one
of these books.

I've tried
every kind of therapy.

I screamed before it
was fashionable.

I've studied inkblots...

looked at mazes...

tried word associations.

I've had breakthroughs
on mountaintops...

on seashores,
in the back ofan old DeSoto.

I was much younger
at that time.

That's another story.
That's another story.

But I have tried it all.

And in the final count,
it comes down to this.

After 45 years spent
studying psychology...

I've come to
one conclusion.

It's all a crock.

A what?

It's all a crock.

Is- Is that spelled
with a “C“ or a “K“?

C- R-O-C- K.

- Crock.
- You got it.

Uh, are you saying the work
that we do doesn't help people?

It's all ajive,
it's all a con, it's a put-on. It's a-

- Crock.
- That's right. From its face.

Look,
you sit in your office.

You get paid $35 an hour...

to listen to some poor slob
spill his guts out...

and what do you do?

You say, “Uh-huh, uh-huh.“
You follow me?

Uh-huh.

Are you telling me that everything
I've dedicated myself to...

for the past 2O years hasn't-
hasn't been worthwhile?

There's only
one thing worthwhile.

Golf.

Golf?

G-O-L-F.
You wanna write that down?

No, I-
I think I'll remember that.

- [ Bell Rings ]
- Oh, that's the next class.

I'm demonstrating the techniques
on the primal scream.

Would, uh,
you like to sit in?

No, no, I don't really
feel like screaming now.

I feel more like-
like moaning.

Well, moaning's good too.
It relieves the tensions.

It starts the blood running again.
It really works.

- It does?
- No, nothing works.

It's all a crock.
Except golf.

Oh, it's been
wonderful seeing you.

It's been wonderful
seeing you, Doctor.

- You really mean that?
- No.

Golf stinks.

Well,
that isn't the answer.

Well, I could have
told you that three days ago.

Bob, why don't you
go back to work now?

Emily, as I was four-putting
on the seventh hole, I made a decision.

Gonna get a new putter?

No, a decision
about my life.

- Did you ever see Born Free?
- Uh-uh.

It's about this couple that, uh,
lives in Africa and they adopt this baby lion.

Oh, Bob, I don't think
we have the room.

No, no, Emily. They raise it until it's full grown,
and then they- they set it free.

Well, sure. It probably tore
their couch to shreds.

You- You aren't very good
at analogies, are you Emily?

Emily, I'm trying to compare
the lions with my patients.

- I'm thinking of setting all 42 of'em free.
- Why?

Well, because I think they
should have the option of, uh-

of staying with me,
knowing I might be a fraud...

or finding somebody else
who might be a fraud.

Well, Bob, you know, I may
not understand your analogies...

but I am your wife, and I do love you,
and that's why I have to say this.

- What?
- You're not a fraud.

- Thank you.
- You're a jerk.

So is that
Dr. What's-His-Crock.

Bob, you are a terrific psychologist,
and whatever you do, it works.

You- You know what I do?
Emily, you wanna see what I do?

I just want you to watch everything I do
for the next few minutes...

and then I want you
to tell me what you think.

Howard, Bob.

Hartley.

Your neighbor.

Yeah, uh,
can you come over?

No, not for dinner,
Howard.

Just come over, will you?

- [Knocking]
- Emily, would you get that?

- Yeah. - Howard, I wanna talk
to you as soon as you come over.

No, we're not having
snacks either.

Sorry, I can't leave the phone.
I'm on standby.

It's all right, Howard.
Howard,just, uh, sit down.

What, uh-
What'd I do now?

Nothing. I just, uh-
just wondered how everything's going.

- Fantastic.
- Uh-huh.

- Really fantastic.
- Uh-huh.

Of course this standby thing
kinda gets you once in a while.

- Ah.
- You know what I mean.

Waiting makes you tense.

- Tense?
- Yeah, exactly.

You never know
if you're gonna fly or not.

You know,
you can't take a drink...

can't make a date.

I feel like a piece of meat hanging on a hook
waiting to be shipped off to the market.

- Ukx-'rxukx.
- It's really frustrating, you know.

You never know where they're gonna send you.
To London, Paris, Pittsburgh-

Well, Pittsburgh's
kinda nice.

It's the not knowing
that makes you crazy.

Uh-huh.

Of course,
sometimes it's, uh...

kinda nice not knowing
where you're going.

It's someplace new
all the time, you know.

You go to cities you've
never been to before,.

Adventure and mystery
and chicks, lots of chicks.

[Laughs]
I like that. You know what I mean?

- I wouldn't give that up for anything in the world.
- Uh-huh.

You know, Bob,
I feel great.

I feel really great. I was so depressed
when I came in here. Now I feel-

- Wonderful.
- Wonderful! Bob, you're the best.

You're the best! Now I can't wait
for that phone to ring.

[Phone Rings]

Hello?

Yeah.
I've been waiting foryour call.

Pitts bu rg h.
Perfect! Perfect.

And that's what I do, Emily.

Thirty-five dollars an hour,
eight hours a day.

What do you think?

I thinkyou
ought to be arrested.

Don't tell me, Bob. You're getting ready
for your fear-of-furniture group.

Jerry, have you
ever seen Born Free?

I'll take a rain check
on that, Bob...

but if you're ever gonna
s h ow The 7'0 werfng inferno...

let me know,
and I'll bring a date.

- Good nightjerry.
- Good night, Bob.

Oh!
Oh, sorry.

Bob, Mr. Peterson called. He doesn't
want to be in a room with 42 people.

- Well, how many people would he
like to be in a room with? - None.

[Sighs]
All right. I'll call him on the phone.

Bob, are you sure you're
doing the right thing?

Carol, I am not
sure of anything anymore.

I just know I have to give
my patients the option...

of staying with me
or leaving me if they want.

Well, Bob,
once they get in here...

they won't be able to leave,
even if they want to.

- Excuse me.
- Hi, Carol.

- Oh, hi, Elliot.
- I brought your smock back. I had it cleaned.

- You didn't have to do that.
- Yeah, I did. Awaiter spilled linguine all over it.

Must be havin'
a big session in here tonight.

Lot of problems,
lot of laughs.

It's not a session, Mr. Carlin.
I just have something to say to all my patients.

Could you say it fast?
I gotta get out of here.

Okay.
All right, here it is.

I'm thinking of letting
all my- my patients go.

What's the matter?
Aren't we sick enough for you?

No, I- I just don't feel like
I'm helping anybody anymore.

I feel like I'm-
I'm taking your money.

What the hell,
it's a write-off.

It's a write-off to you.
To me, it's a crock.

Dr. Hartley, sit down.

You know,
you and I go way back together.

Well, that's right,
Mr. Carlin.

When I first started out,
it was just you, me and the couch.

Yeah, we went through
three upholsterings together.

And a Scotchgard.

When I first came to you,
I, uh-

I was sulking, I was nasty,
I never smiled.

And you still don't.

Yeah, but I'm
workin' on it.

See?

- That's very good, Mr. Carlin.
- You're darn right, it's good.

I'll tell you somethin' else.
I got a date tonight.

Three years ago, I was afraid
to call a girl on the phone...

but tonight
I'm going out on a date.

Of course, I'll have a lousy time.
But at least I won't be alone.

But Mr. Carlin, I-l feel you should
have come further than that in six years.

- That's a crummy attitude.
- Well, I-l can't help it.

I'm, uh-
I'm really depressed.

Well, who cares how you feel?
We're here to make me feel better.

- And I feel better.
- Yeah, but- but I don't.

Well, who cares?
And another thing.

If you're gonna call all your patients in
just to tell us that you're bailing out on us...

we're gonna
rip you to shreds.

We love you.

You- You mean you really
feel what I do is- is worth something?

Yeah, it's worth
35 bucks an hour.

Some days you're worth
4O bucks an hour.

Well- Well, thank you,
Mr. Carlin.

Today you're worth
a buck and a half.

Well, that's better
than nothing.

You know, I-
I really feel-

I feel very close
to you right now, Mr. Carlin.

I just-
just felt like doing that.

- Dr. Hartley.
- Yes?

Don't ever do that again.

- Hi.
- Where have you been?

Oh, I went for a long walk
in the park after school.

-I felt so lousy.
- Uh-huh.

I'm not gonna be
a vice principal, Bob.

- They're gonna bring in some hotshot
guy from New Trier. - Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, yourself.

Bob, I really wanted this.
I'm very disappointed.

Emily, sit down.

Now- now,
maybe this will help.

Just try to think of education
as a- as a train...

- that goes from New York to Los Angeles.
- Uh-huh.

Some people get offin Des Moines.
Some people get offin Wichita.

It's all a crock,
isn't it, Bob?

[ Mews]