All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s04e05 - The Heavyweights

Well, I have
some great news.

I lost 1 O pounds
since I've been comin' here.

- Very good, Michelle.
- I lost one.

- Well, that's-that's almost as good.
- Yeah.

I don't see why we even have to call
this group the “Overweight Workshop.“

Look in the mirror.

If you want to change the name of
the group, you know what might be cute?

- The Roly-Polies.
- [ Laughs] That is cute.

- Or how about the Pudgy-Wudgies.
- Yeah, that's cute too.

How about the Big, Fat Tub of Lards?
How's that for cute?

He's too rough.

Y-You're being very negative,
Mr. de Paolo, and, uh, especially when...

the rest of the group is trying
to face up to their problem.

- I don't have a problem.
- See, to make any progress at all...

-you-you have to admit it.
- Admit what?

A-Admit that you're-

you're not-
you're not thin.

- You mean fat?
- Well, if you insist...

then, uh, you can
ask yourself why- why you're-

- you're that way.
- [Michelle] I know why/m that way.

I eat too much.

I wonder if I could say
something as a medical man.

Uh, go ahead, Bernie.

If you eat too much,
you'll gain weight.

That's good.
Good, Bernie.

I blame my weight
on my job.

What are ya, an anchor?

Boy, he is rough, isn't he?

I work in a school cafeteria,
and I cook hundreds of meals a day.

How many do you eat, 11?

About that. But they are
children's portions.

- This whole thing is stupid.
- Well, why do you say that, Mr. de Paolo?

'Cause bein' fat
ain't the problem.

It's the people out there
that hate us 'cause we're fat.

Y-You think there's a prejudice
against- against people who are-

are of-
of the hefty persuasion?

- They hate our guts.
- Boy, is he a downer.

- He sure is. He makes me wanna eat.
- Let's go to lunch.

- I don't think that's the answer.
- Then let's send out.

Look, Mr. de Paolo, y-you're getting
these people depressed...

- a-and now they're thinking about food.
- Yeah, and that's not fair.

Yeah, especially now
right in the middle of cake season.

I didn't know there was
a cake season.

Oh, yeah, it started last month
with the Pillsbury Bake-Off.

Well, I'm afraid
our time is up.

Uh, Mr. de Paolo, when we
meet tomorrow, you might, uh...

try to be more
a part of the group.

Yeah, us fat guys
have to stick together.

How'd you like it if I
stuckyou to the wall?

W-Why don't we just go home
and-and try not to think about food?

Ready for lunch, Bob?

L-I don't know what
you're talking aboutjerry.

I'm talkin' about lunch.
L-U-N-C-H.

Vittles. Chow,
Grub. Stuffing one's face.

- I've gotta have something to eat!
- Me too.

- Where should we go?
- Let's start with the right side of the street.

Uh, I'm gonna stick
to my diet, Dr. Hartley.

- Don't you worry.
- Good, Michelle.

Yeah, l-l'm just gonna go along
with them in a supervisory capacity.

Boy, talk about
your “bulkos.“

Where'd you get
that herd of Guernseys?

_Jel»I'y_
- No, really, Bob.

You oughta put a cattle crossing sign
out there in reception.

- Réally,jerl_y\

Jerry, how would you like if I had
a group for people with big noses?

Big noses?
That's really a cheap shot.

Little insensitive, aren't ya?

- Well, I'm sorryJerry.
- Ah, forget it, Bob.

Just go have lunch
by yourself, shorty.

How come, uh- How come
your piece is bigger than mine?

Well, I didn't think it would
make any difference...

after those four servings
of beefStroganoffyou had.

Yeah, they were small servings,
just like the cheesecake.

Honey, didn't you
have any lunch?

- I had a bite.
- Oh.

I had a cheeseburger.

And a- a bowl of chili.

A couple enchiladas.

Boy, I'm really
putting it away, aren't I?

But I-l only eat like this on my,
uh, Overweigh Workshop night.

Well, don't they
meet three times a week?

Yeah.

You, uh- Do you have any
ice cream or somethin' for this?

Bob, ice cream
on cheesecake?

- Okay, hot fudge.
_ Oh_

- [Knocking]
- I'll get it.

It could be somebody
with a pizza.

Hey, Bob, these tiles
won't stick down.

- Hi, Howard.
- Oh, hi, Bob. These tiles won't stick down.

- Hi, Howard.
- Oh, hi, Emily. These tiles won't stick down.

How are those
tiles workin' out, Howard?

They're lousy. I'm putting down
a new kitchen floor...

and they won't stick,
they- they slide.

- Let me see that.
- I, uh- I need your barbells.

- For what? - You know, for weight
to keep the tiles stuck down.

Why don't you just roll
your piano over 'em?

- I don't have a piano.
- I don't have any barbells.

Could you just maybejump
up and down on 'em with me?

Gee, I'd love to, Howard.
But I promised Emily...

I'djump up and down
on our tiles tonight.

Howard, I don't know
why they slide.

They're really sticky when you
peel the paper back.

Excuse me.

Well, that, uh, walk to the door
really made me hungry.

You, uh- You gonna
finish your cheesecake?

- Bob!
- Well, Emily, it's the middle of the cake season.

Honey, are you trying to become
the fattest member of your group?

Well, I-l don't know.
Maybe I am.

I mean, I- I've never been fat.
I don't know how to relate to those people.

I mean, I don't know
what it's like to be fat.

Well, why don't you ask Carol?
Didn't she use to be fat?

Yeah, she lost
over 1 O0 pounds.

Well, why don't you ask her
to sit in on your group?

- That's not a bad idea.
- It's a great idea.

- Not bad.
- It's great.

It's an all-right idea.

It's great.

It's okay.

You, uh, gonna finish
that cheesecake or not?

It's a great idea, Bob.

It's a great idea, Emily.

- [ Muttering] It's a good idea.
- Hmm?

Nothing.

You know, Bob, if you get really good
at chair-roping like that...

you probably wanna try your hand
at riding the Brahma sofa.

Jer, I'm just getting ready
for my Overweight Workshop.

I don't wanna get hit by a lawsuit
in case one of these chairs collapses.

What time do they
waddle in? [ Chuckling]

- Jer, I'm not gonna tell you again.
- Yeah, yeah! Sure, sure.

- Sure, Bob.
- What do you wanLjer?

Two bucks, if you wanna
get in the office pool...

for the Bears-Dolphins
game on Sunday.

No, I don't think so. I don't like
the pools. They're much too complicated.

Oh, no, Bob.
This one isn't. All you do...

is pick the winning point between
one and nine, you take the total score...

and, uh, subtract by five
or multiples thereof.

- You with me so far?
- No.

Okay, let's say
the winning score is 35, uh, to 17.

- Now, the difference there is, uh, 16.
- Eighteen.

- Five from that is 11. Five from that is-
- Six.

Six! So if your
winning number was six...

- then you'd be the winner.
- Okay, I'll take six.

I've got six.

Then I don't wanna play.

Hi, Bob. Where should I
put the scale?

Uh, put it
right there, Bernie.

I brought it over
from the urology lab.

No springs. Honest weight.
And I'm gonna keep everybody's record.

- You the, uh, keeper of the fat, Bernie?
- Right.

And everybody who gains
has to put a quarter in thisjar.

Bernie, this is
a brand-newjar, isn't it?

Of course it is.

Okay, let's see.
Uh, now, last week...

I weighed 184.

And this week
I weigh... 185?

- You gained a pound, Bernie.
- Oh, I know what it is.

Here, Bob.
Hold my glasses.

Bernie, your glasses
don't weigh a pound.

Oh, I know. I'm just gonna
take off my clothes.

B-Bernie, I don't
wanna see you naked.

I'm with Bob
on this one.

! gotta go-

Uh,just let me
pop through here. Ooh!

Watch it.

Thank you very fat.

Thank you very much.
Much. I'm sorry.

- Okay, everybody weigh in.
- Me first.

It don't go up that high.

Oh, yes, it does.
Oh, look!

- Look, I've lost four pounds.
- Wow, look out, Twiggy.

Well, here I am, Slenderella...

ready to inspire
this group to new lows.

- What's she doin' here?
- She works here.

- She entitled.
- She don't work in this office.

No, I-I-
I asked Carol to sit in.

Gee, it's a little crowded.
Maybe next week...

you should meet at Soldier's Field.

Oh, I get it, Dr. Hartley.
You brought in a fat-bigot.

- Heckle therapy.
- No, no.

I had a reason for bringing Carol in.
You see, Carol used to be-

- Fat.
- Right.

I've lost 116 pounds since I
graduated from high school.

Michelle}
You musfve been enormous.

I graduated “magma cum lard.”

You should've seen Carol when she
showed up for thejob interview.

We hired her because we were
afraid she would leave...

and snap one of the, uh-
one of the elevator cables.

Well, you've all been
in the elevator.

You know they wouldn't actually snap.
I- I was just-

Losing weight has
changed my life completely.

When I was fat, I never
got telephone calls from men.

Now, there's any number
of men I can call.

I'm sick of this. It's easy
to sit there and makejokes.

Bet you didn't make manyjokes
when you were fat.

I didn't have to.
I was thejoke.

Well, see, Carol couldn't make
jokes unless she liked all of us.

And neither could I. I mean,
you know, what I said about-

about breaking
the elevator cable-

You know, it wouldn't
actually snap- snap the cable.

- It's just that, uh-
- Yeah, yeah. We understand, Dr. Hartley.

You mean to tell me that you like us
even though we're grotesque?

You're not grotesque. And, yes,
I do like you. And I mean that.

Oh, yeah? Then how 'bout
goin' out with me tonight?

- Go out?
- Yeah. On a date.

- Well, w-
- Yes orno?

Oh, I'd love to,
but I can't.

- It's because I'm fat, isn't it?
- No!

Uh-

Dr. Hartley won't allow me
to go out with his patients.

- Will you, Dr. Hartley?
- Th-That's right, Mr. de Paolo.

I let my nurses
go out with my patients.

- If Carol wanna go, I thinkyou oughta let her go.
- it's her life.

Well, in-in this case,
I'll- I'll make an exception.

I'll pickyou up at 9:00.
What's your address?

I don't know. It's in
an apartment somewhere.

Well, I-l think we're getting
a good start today.

We found out that, uh- that Carol
doesn't dislike us because we're-

we're not-
we're not thin.

And also-l thinkjust as important-
we've learned that, uh...

the cable on an elevator can-
can stand a tremendous amount of-

of pressure without, uh-
without snapping.

Emily, what, uh-
what are you doing?

Oh. I'm trying to get this
patio door to close all the way.

- Why?
- Well, the, uh, crowd on the street was divided.

They, uh- Some of them thought
you were a window washer...

three though you were a cat burglar,
and, uh, one guy just kept saying...

“She's got
a nice rear end on her.“

- Yeah, which guy?
- Me.

Oh.
[Chuckles]

- Here, let me see ifcan close it.
- Yeah.

Okay, folks.
It's all over!

See if you can lock it.

Oh.

Oh! That's perfect, Bob.

- [Knocking]
- Oh.

- Oh, hi, Howard.
- Oh, hi, Emily.

I just wanted to tell you
that the tiles are holding fine.

- They really stick once you get the paper off.
- Ah.

I thought
they would.

The one that stuck best is the one
that stuck on the refrigerator.

Uh, Emily.
Bob's out there.

You can
let him in, Howard.

[Strains]

- Thanks, Howard.
- This door's stuck.

- Yeah, I know.
- Yeah, I can fix that. I'm real handy.

But, uh, right now I gotta go
and get the, uh, tile off the refrigerator.

Oh, Bob, how do you get
a tile off a- of a refrigerator?

Use tile bait.

Oh.

Boy, dinner smells good.
I'm starved.

Did you have your
overweight group today?

- Yeah.
- How'd Carol work out?

- Not great.
- Really?

Gee, I don't understand that.
It was such a great idea.

Well, Mr. de Paolo asked her out
on a date, and I sorta had to let it happen.

Maybe it'll work out all right.
I mean, maybe under all that tonnage...

is Carol's Mr. Right.

Emily, would you, uh-
would you still love me if I were... fat?

I do.

I mean, £21' fat. You know,
Guinness Book of World Records fat.

You know,
out to here fat.

Sure. I had a boyfriend
once who was fat.

Mark Sistrunk.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, he was- he was huge.

He weighed 280 pounds,
and I was real skinny.

You know what people
used to say when Mark and I...

- used to walk down the street together?
- What?

“Here comes Mark.“

[Phone Ringing]

I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Carol. Carol,
why are you yelling at me?

C-Carol, it's only one evening.
It's only one date.

Look, y-you'll have dinner,
you'll go to a movie...

probably another dinner,
and then-

then home.

Well, what-
what are the plans?

The Venus Adult Theater.

And then to his apartment.

Well, C-Carol,
you don't have to do that.

You know,
strike a compromise.

That was the compromise.

Wh-What was his
original suggestion?

Oh, my God.

Years from now, you'!!-
you'll look back on this and- and smile.

Well, I don't know.
Sixty, 7O years.

G-Good luck, Carol.

Bob, what was Mr. de Paoids
original suggestion?

Well, I don't wanna
go into detail, but it involved...

a zebra suit and, uh...

some rubber boots.

- Oh, my God.
- That's what I said.

Let me- Let me see
if I can fix this door.

A zebra suit?

Well, I got the tile
off the refrigerator.

I used a hammer
and a chisel.

Do you have
any touch-up paint?

- I'm afraid I don't, Howard.
- Oh.

Uh, Emily.
Bob's out there again.

I know.
He likes it out there.

It is nice out here.

[Knocking]

Coming.

Justa minute.

- Where is he?
- Uh, Carol.

- Where's Bob?
- Well, uh, honey, he's-

Uh, Carol, Carol!
He's getting dressed.

- U“.
- You want some breakfast?

I don't care for any breakfast, Emily.
I just wanna talk to Bob...

about my date last night!

Oh, uh, Carol-
How was the, uh- the movie?

Lady x}? the Barracks?
One of the best.

- Hi. How'd it go last night?
- I'm not going to work, Bob.

I cannot be in that group
and face that man.

All right. I'm-
I'm sorry, Carol.

You used me, Bob.
I was a pawn...

in your game
offat.

Look I-l made a mistake,
and-and I know it.

And I'm gonna tell you
whyl did it.

- Um, I remember when you were-
- Fat!

Right. And you were
very- very sensitive about it.

Well, you see, Bob thought you wouldn't
wanna hurt Mr. de Paolo's feelings.

Emily, please.
Let me handle this. All right?

And I thought that-that you
wouldn't wanna hurt his feelings.

- That was well put, Bob.
- I don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings, Bob.

And that's why I'm not going
in there today, because if I did...

I would really tell him
what I think of him.

See, Carol,
that's why you should go.

I mean, y-you should face up to him,
a-and tell him that.

A-And I'll be right beside you in case,
you know, things get out of hand.

You mean,
if he tries to sit on me?

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

And, uh, honey, I'll make reservations for
us at thejameson House for dinner, huh?

- And maybe we'll go to a movie?
- What movie you wanna see?

Why don't you see, uh,
Lady x}? the Barracks?

Laughs 1
Bob would love that.

I like army movies.

What, uh- What time
does it start?

Every seven minutes.

Listen, uh, why don't we weigh in while
we're waiting for Bob to show up?

- I already weighed in. I gained five pounds.
- That'll cost you a quarter.

- I'm not payin'! What do ya think of that?
- Fine.

Anything over
300 pounds is free.

C-Carol just wanted to, uh-
to freshen up a little bit.

Now, what, uh-

What were we
talking about?

I think it had something
to do with fat.

Well, I think we can start on a positive note
and be encouraged with our progress.

Well, I'm certainly encouraged.

What for? You still look like
you swallowed a Volkswagen.

- He's rougher than rough.
- The roughest.

Look, uh, Mr. de Paolo,
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to...

get a little rough
myself today.

Uh, I didn't wanna say this
to you, but I'm, uh-

I'm afraid
I have no choice.

Go ahead, Carol.

Me?

Didn't you have something
you wanted to tell Mr. de Paolo?

I'll write him
a letter.

Hey, weren't you two supposed
to go out on a date?

- Yeah, how did it go?
- We had the time of our lives.

- No, we didn't.
- Sure, we did. Why are we goin' out tonight?

- We're not.
- Well, then, tomorrow night.

No. No, I am never
going out with you again. Y-

You are a rude,
ill-mannered, arrogant creep.

- What you really mean is I'm fat.
- Fat has nothing to do with it.

You are just obnoxious.

- Talk about rough.
- Look, Leonard...

what I mean is that, uh...

fat can be fun, fat can be considerate,
fat can be gentle.

What do you think
about that, Mr. de Paolo?

She's playin'
hard to get.

Look, M-Mr. de Paolo, uh, no one
can be as nasty as you pretend to be...

unless they- they really
wanted to be disliked.

Well, I figure everybodys
gonna hate me anyway...

sol might as well
beat 'em to the punch.

- That's- That's good, Mr. de Paolo.
- What's good about it?

Well, now that you realize
y-you're repulsive...

we-we can work on that.

This is the roughest
session I've ever been in.

I love it.

Uh, well, now that I've said what
I have to say, if you'll excuse me-

Carol, before you go, I-

I just want to
tell you I-

Well, I appreciate
your honesty.

- It took a lot of guts.
- Thanks.

- And I'm really gonna change.
- I hope so.

- What about tomorrow night?
- No.

- I'll be gentle.
- No!

Okay, but I'm really a different
person than the guy...

that tried to climb up the side
of your apartment building.

- When was that?
- This morning. You weren't home.

- I'm sorry I missed you.
- Uh, Carol-

I promise I'm gonna
work hard to change my ways.

Good!

You know, Mr. de Paolo, I'm, uh-
I'm really proud of you.

Yeah, I... feel
pretty good myself.

And-And I appreciate
the encouragement y'all given me.

- Leonard-
- Yeah, Louise?

I'm not doing anything
tomorrow night.

[Chuckles]
Waita minute.

Just 'cause
I'm Mr. Nice Guy...

doesn't suddenly mean
I went blind.

I mean, Leonard de Paolo
don't go out with no blimps.

Well, I-l think that set us back
about two weeks.

Helpyourself
to the Kleenex, Louise.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Well, Bob, you're probably dying to hear
the results of the football pool.

Jerry, that was Sunday.
This is Wednesday.

- Yeah, it was kinda complicated.
- Who- Who won the pool?

I never did figure that out.
So I'm refunding everybody's dollar. Here.

_ Uh' $
- $2i§e”Y-

- That's right.
- Boy, did I get taken.

You sure didJerry.
I didn't, uh-

I didn't get in
the pool, remember?

Hey! Right. Well, uh,
give me the dollar back.

Great.

Thanks for being
so honest, Bob.

- Hi, dear.
- Hi, Emily. What's up?

Well, I thought
we'd have lunch together.

Uh, greatjust, uh,
let me weigh myself.

Careful, Bob. Don't break it.
[Chuckles]

Down a halfa pound.

- Okay, your turn.
- Oh, that's not necessary.

It would be like weighing feathers.
[Chuckles]

- {Wood Splinters]
- Ooh!

- Hey, what happened in here?
- NothingJerry.

Just-j ust feathers.

[ Mews]