All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s03e05 - Sorry, Wrong Mother

And now that I finally got a boyfriend,
my father doesn't approve of him.

Just because your-
your boyfriend's name is Tank?

Yeah, and because Tank's a mechanic.

My father says no guy named Tank with
dirty fingernails is gonna come into his house.

What-
What did you say to that?

I said, “Well, if you won't let him
in the house...

why don't you spend some time with him
on your garbage truck?“

But he wouldn't listen to me.
He never does.

Talking to him
is like talkin' to your desk...

except your desk
has a better personality.

Well, maybe that's, uh-
that's where we ought to start.

- Okay. Look, desk. The thing of it is-
- No. No. No, no.

L, uh-l have something in here
I think might be useful.

I've used it with, uh-
with other patients.

Oh. I get it. That's my father,
and we're gonna stick pins in it.

No, no. It's not a voodoo doll. It's a puppet.
l-lfyou can't talk to your father, she can.

She can say the things that you'd like to say if-
if you had the nerve.

Oh, he's gonna know
that's not me.

Well, why- why don't you just pretend
that I'm your father and, uh- and go ahead.

Okay.

Hi, Daddy. My name's Michelle.
I hate your guts.

You know, I-
I don't thinkyou wanna go that way.

I need a little practice. I mean,
my lips probably moved when I said “guts?

Yeah. Why don't you just take that home
and work with it...

until you're-
you're more comfortable with it.

Yeah. And then
if I get really good at it...

maybe I'll be able to talk
and drink water at the same time.

I hate your guts. I hate your guts.
I hate your guts.

Ah. Hi, Carol.

- Ellen, how are you? - Is Bob through
for the day? We're goin' home together.

Yes, I think Senor Wences is finished.
You can go on in.

- Thanks.
- Oh, hey, how's everything with you and Howard?

Oh, okay.
Tonight's the big night.

- Gee, I wish I could say that.
- [ Chuck/mg] No.

No. I just mean I'm meeting Howard's son,
and I'm very nervous about it.

Howard wants me to make a good impression,
so he's been rehearsing me all week.

- You'll do fine.
- Yeah, I've got the curtsey down pat.

I just have to remember to say,
“Your Highness.“

- Carol.
-jer.

- What time is it?
- I don't know.

Of course you don't. And you know why?
Because we don't have a clock.

I mean, how do you even know
when it's time to go home?

I know when it's time to go home.

Well, I'm gonna buy us a clock
for right there.

That's a place that says, “Put a clock here.
I'm a good place for a clock.“

It's a... clock spot.

People can get off the elevator
and know what the time is.

Bob can look up and know if a patient'; late
or just thickened out.

When I say to you, “Carol, what time is it?“
you'll say, “Wait a secondJer!

I'll look at our clock.“

Well, that's what I see, Carol,
and, by geo-

[ Mutters]

I was just tryin' to figure out
what time it was.

So, uh, what time is it?

I think it's about 5:15.

No, it's not that late.
That wall has always been a little fast.

[Clapping Snapping Rhythmically]

[Rhythmically]
Baseball teams.

Cubs.

Dodgers.

- Dodgers!
- You're out, Dad.

Oh, Howie, let's not kick him out
just 'cause he missed I O times in a row.

Yeah. Don't kick me out.
Now come on. I'm getting it now.

It's really very simple.
it's just a matter of coordination.

I got coordination. Look at this.
Can you do that?

- Let me see you do that.
- Wait. What do you say-

-you think we oughta give the
old man another chance? - Okay.

- We're gonna take it very easy.
- I won't let you down now.

Just easy. You ready?
One, two, three.

- Okay.
- Food.

- Grapes.
- [Chuckles]

- Potatoes.
- [ Grunting Rhythmically]

_ Dodgers!
" Oh! '

- You're out.
- Oh!

- I think we've played long enough
anyhow, Howard. - I guess I choked.

Well, Howie, I'm gonna get you
some milk and cookies.

Oh, milk and cookies! I could have said
either one of those things. Oh, am I dumb.

Dad, I'll be right back.
I wanna get that surprise to show Aunt Emily.

Okay.

Howard, he is getting cuter every time I see him,
and he is so smart.

Yeah. Coordinated too.

He is just gonna love Ellen,
and Ellen's gonna love him.

Well, I-l know he'll love Ellen.
I mean, uh, I love her.

Why wouldn't he love her? I mean, she's lovable.
Besides, I'll tell him to love her.

Howard, how much does Howie know
about you and Ellen?

Uh, eh, nothing. I wanted to wait for
the right time, you know. I...

wanted to make sure
that Ellen didn't drop me.

I didn't want to get his hopes up
and then have 'em crushed-

like when I told everyone Chicago
was going to get the World's Fair...

- and then Spokane got it.
- I see what you mean, Howard.

- We're home, honey.
- Oh, hi, dear. Hi, Ellen.

- Hi. Where's Howie?
- He went across the hall to Howard's for a minute.

- Oh.
- Yeah. You'll have, uh, plenty of time to change.

- Well, why should I change? - Well, uh, you're
not gonna wear that, are you? He hates brown.

Oh. Havel got time to bleach my hair?

No, no. That's, uh- That's okay.
Um, what'd you get him?

Honey, nothing.

Nothing?
No toy, no candy? Nothing?

Howard, Ellen can't buy Howie's love.

Works for me.

Howard, don't you thinkyou're putting Ellen
under a lot of pressure?

I'm not putting anyone under pressure.
I mean, if-

if Ellen doesn't like Howie and Howie doesn't
like Ellen, I don't know what I would do.

Wow. I mean, I don't know what I-
it would wreck my whole life. I...

might wind up killing myself.

- I wouldn't call that pressure.
- Bob, uh, can I have a drink?

Oh, wait. You're not gonna be holding a drink
when Howie comes in, are you?

- I'm gonna be holding a drink.
- Oh, well, you'rejust going to be his uncle.

- Look, Howard. Howard, will you stop
picking at me? - Look. This is ridiculous.

- Now Howie is a nice little boy, a-and
Ellen is a nice adult. - [ Door Opens ]

Oh. Hi, Howie.

Howie, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine-

a... very good friend of mine.

Howie, this is Ellen.
Ellen, this is Howie.

- Hi, Howie. Gee, I've heard so much about you.
- Hi.

I guess I should have said,
“Your Highness.“

You guys are gonna love this place.
I eat here a lot when I feel like being alone.

[ Bob]
Very intimate.

Uh, Bob-
Bob, excuse me. Uh-

Look. This is my treat tonight, uh,
so no arguments, okay?

- Fine.
- Uh, Bob...

can you lend me $20?

Twenty dollars for ice cream?

This is no dive.
I mean, they use real cream.

Ah! Uh, well, Howie...

Aunt Ellen is going to treat us all to ice cream.

Hi, folks. Welcome to Uncle Yummy's.
I'm Dave.

- Hi, Dave.
- What's your name?

At Uncle Yummy's we like to think of everyone
as our close friends.

[Clears Throat]
Well, just-just think of me as Bob...

and, uh, this is my wife, Emily.

This is Howard, Ellen, and this is Howie.

- Hi, Howie. How'd you like a hatjust like mine?
- Sure.

- Hey, that's a great hat. I'd like one of those.
- Sure, Howard.

Two hats: six dollars.

Uh, well, look. That might mess up my hair.
just, uh-just give Howie one, okay?

Fine.
One hat: four dollars.

- Bob, how 'bout a hat?
- N-No. No, thank you.

- Uh, how much are the menus?
- [ Both Chuckle]

- No charge, Emily.
- Oh.

Bob, Emily, Howie, Ellen and Howard.

The Uncle Yummy's special for this evening
is the Glutton's Delight.

- What's that? - Seven flavors of ice
cream, seven different toppings...

seven variety of nuts, an almond macaroon
served up in a Styrofoam kitchen sink.

How many?

- Okay, then. Howie, what'll you have?
- Uh, number 82.

Right-
onej ol lyj um per] el lyj am boree.

- Emily?
- Well, Dave, I think I'll go with the, uh-

the Hot 'n' Heavy Fudge Fandango.

- Good choice, Emily.
- Thanks, Dave.

- And Ellen?
-just coffee, please.

Coffee?

Ooh, you let me down. I had you pegged
for a Happy Hazelnut Hoo-ha.

Well, it just shows
how wrong you can be.

- Howard, how 'bout you?
- Oh, I'll have the, uh, Banana Fanna Foo Fanna.

Banana Fanna Foo Fanna.
Fudge or fruit filling?

- Fruit.
- Fine.

Well, Bob, bring it on home.

Uh, I'm kinda torn between the...

Piggly Wiggly Giggly Glop
and the...

Great White Whale.

That's a tough decision, Bob, but, uh, tell me.
Can you resist...

vanilla ice cream swimming in a sea
of marshmallow sauce and coconut?

Well, I'm-
I'm not made of stone.

- Take the Whale.
- [ No Audible Dialogue]

- [ Ringing] - Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls, your attention, please.

The gentleman at this table is gonna try
to conquer the Great White Whale.

[ Both, Chanting]
JYOu can't do it, You can't do it ♪

JYOu can't eat a whale ♪♪

Well, Bob?

I'll, uh- I'll just have one, uh-
one scoop of the chocolate.

Okay, Bob.

Well, isn't this a fun place?

How come she didn't order ice cream
like the rest of us?

Well, Howie, some people
just don't like ice cream.

And some people break out.

- You're losing him.
- What?

- You're losing him. Say something he would like.
- Well, what would he like?

Well, he'd like to be wanted.
Give the kid a break. His parents are divorced.

Oh. Um, gee, Howie, you sure are a big boy.

- I'm the shortest kid in class.
- [ Laughing]Well...

you must have a very tall class.

[Stops Laughing]

- You're dying.
- Uh, Howie, how old are you?

- How old are you? - Uh, Howie, some
grown-ups don't like to tell their ages.

Oh, that's okay. I'm 33.

My mom's only 31.

Well, I, uh- I think this would be a- be a good time
to make, um, a little announcement.

No. No. No, it wouldn't.

Yes, it would.
I mean, my friends are all here...

and, uh, my son's here-
and we're all having a good time and-

Anyway, you know, Howie, I told you
that I liked Ellen?Well, um, I like hera lot...

and, uh, with your permission, we're going to
get, uh, married in the near future.

Well, here ya are, folks.

Oh, no. I just ordered coffee.
Someone must have made a mistake.

Yeah, I think my dad did.

[Chanting]
♪ Single scooper, single scooper;

JThiS man is a party pooperg“;

Howie hates me.
That's all there is to it.

Should have ordered some ice cream.

Look, he doesn't hate you.
It's a normal reaction...

when someone new is introduced into a child's life,
to react the way Howie did tonight.

- You shouldn't have worn that brown outfit.
- [ Ellen Sighs]

Remember when we were kids, and one summer
Mom took in that- that foster child?

Larry Foster? Yeah. We-

We hated him.

Yeah, but that was because, uh, Dad felt sorry
for him and-and gave him all his attention.

I mean, he- he played baseball all clay with him
with my bat and my ball and my glove.

I mean, Dad even taught him
how to hit curve balls.

- And I was, uh-l was jealous. I-you know,
I still am. - What's the point, Bob?

I don't know-

just been thinking about it lately.

Well, that's not gonna help me with Howie.

You should've brought him a toy.

Look. Uh, I-I think you're gonna have
to give this more of a chance.

You're- You're gonna have
to spend some more time with Howie alone...

without Howard breathing down your neck.

Just take him somewhere.

- He won't go anywhere with me. - Take him to
the aquarium. He'll go there with anybody.

- No, he won't. I already asked him.
- Take him somewhere else.

Well, okay. I'll think of something.

Maybe if I keep him busy enough,
he'll forget he hates me.

Well, I finally got Howie to bed.
Wasn't easy. I had to bribe him.

He said he'd only go to sleep
ifl'd take him to the aquarium tomorrow.

- The aquarium?
- Yeah. He loves fish.

- He hates me.
- No, he doesn't.

Yes, he does.

- HLJer.
- Oh, uh, Carol, what, uh, time is it?

Oh, my gosh,
I didn't realize I took so long for lunch.

- It's 4:30.
- No, it isn't. It's 2O after 1 :00.

- Well, then your clock is upside down.
- No, it isn't.

Youjust have to know how to read it.
This is an original Klaus Protzman.

Protzman's the guy who designed
the combination bed-desk-stove.

- Hi, Carol. HLJer.
- Hey, Emily. Howie.

- How are ya?
- Oh, Howie, no wonder we're so hungry. it's 4:30.

Maybe it's upside down.

- So what have you two been up to?
- We went to a lot of neat places.

Yeah. We went to the aquarium,
and then we went to watch them lube the car...

and finally we went to the cleaners
to watch them press Bob's slacks.

Very smart.
Save the best for last.

Michelle, I'm sorry that the- the puppet
wasn't able to- to talk to your father.

Yeah. She made a fool of herself.
Shejust kept stammering.

- You, uh- You're sure you don't want
to try it again. - Nah. It won't work.

You have anything
in a boxing glove?

Well, you two must have had a good time
at the aquarium. It's 4:30.

Uh, that's Protzman time.

- Uh, Bob, could I talk to you in your
office for a minute? -Yeah, sure.

- Uh, Carol, would you watch Howie?
- Of course.

My goodness, Howie and I are old friends,
aren't we, Howie?

Yeah. I saw a goldfish at the aquarium
that looked like you.

Ah, and yet friends come and they go.

So what's, uh-
what's on your mind?

Well, it's Howie and Ellen. I mean, hejust
won't tell me why he doesn't like her, Bob...

and I- I really wish you'd talk to him.

Well, I'm not a child psychologist.

Well, then who might that be?
[Chuckles]

I'll, uh- I'll give it a try.
Bring him in.

Oh, thank you, dear. Thanks.

Uh, Howie, would you come in here a minute?

Uh, would you stay with Uncle Bob,
because I have to go somewhere?

Yeah, but you promised to take me
everywhere you went.

Everywhere but where I have to go
at this very minute.

- Well, how, uh- how's your day been?
- It's good.

- So how- how do you feel about that?
- Good.

- It's, uh, good to feel good, isn't it?
- It's okay.

Uh, Howie, I-
I get the feeling that, uh-

that you don't like Aunt Ellen.

- Uh, how come?
- 'Cause.

- 'Cause why?
-just 'cause.

You know, uh, Howie, I-
I have an idea.

- Let's, uh- Let's play a game, okay?
- Sure.

Yeah, now this is, uh-
this is my puppet.

Uh-
[ In Squeaky Voice] Hi.

Hi.

Uh, my name is Aunt Ellen.
You, uh- You wanna talk to me?

I saw your lips move.

[In Normal Voice] Don't watch my lips.
Watch the dummy's lips.

[ In Squeaky Voice]
Why, uh- Why don't you like me?

'Cause I don't want you
to marry my dad.

Yeah, but I'm, uh- I'm a nice lady...

and I- I love your dad.

I want him to marry someone else.

Who?

Aunt Emily.

But, uh, Aunt-
Aunt Emily's already married.

- [ Knocking On Door]
- [Still In SqueakyVoice] Come in.

- What'd you say?
- [ In Normal Voice] I said, come in.

Uh, listen. I have to run downstairs
for a few minutes. Is that all right?

- It's all right.
- [ In Gruff Voice] S'awright.

You know, Howie, I-it's good
that you like Aunt Emily...

but, uh, see, I met Aunt Emily before your-
your dad did, and sol married her...

and now- now your dad wants to marry
Aunt Ellen, my sister...

and then your dad'll be, uh,
my brother-in-law...

and, uh, Aunt Emily and I
will beyour, uh-

your aunt and-
and your uncle.

Gee, that's confusing.

Yeah. It is, isn't it?

I don't wanna talk about it anymore.

Well, if, uh- if you do wanna talk about it
or, uh- or anything else...

you know, I mean, that's-
that's why I'm here.

Well, I am havin' problems
with my Little League manager.

- Oh.
- He never lets me play.

Well, go- go with that, Howie.

Well, it's really crummy.
I just sit on the bench...

just because I can't hit a curve ball.

Boy, I can-l can sure relate to that.

You know, I, uh-
I had the same problem...

all because of a kid named Larry Foster.

You don't know him, but...

my dad- my dad used to throw him curve balls
all day, you know, and Vdjust...

shag flies.

You know, if I had ever learned
to hit a curve ball, I mean...

no tellin' how farl could've gone,
you know?

Well, you're missin'
a great meal, Emily.

Caesar salad, spaghetti, garlic bread-
all your favorites.

- Those are your favorites.
- Oh, yeah.

Well, I knew somebody liked it.

Oh, Bob, I just don't feel like eating.

I feel so guilty about the way Howie feels
about me. I wish there was some way to solve it.

Well, there is a way, but I'm, uh-
I'm not gonna give you up.

Oh, honey, be serious. I mean, I- I just don't
understand why Howie won't give Ellen a chance.

- She has been so nice to him.
- A lot nicer than she ever was to me...

except when she, uh, opened
that antique shop six years ago...

and, uh, needed a thousand-dollar loan.

- I thought she paid you that back.
- She wasn't that nice.

Okay. That's it. I've had it.

- What's the matter?
- 0h, even/thing

- Howie won't even eat the dinner I fixed for him.
- Maybe he's not hungry.

- Yeah, and that's my fault too.
- Oh, Ellen,just relax. None of this is your fault.

Well, you really did it this time.

Howard, what did I do?
I gave him franks and beans and chocolate cake.

What kind of meal
is that for a kid?

- That's what you said he liked.
- I said he liked the way Emily made it.

Oh, Howard,
you shouldn't have said that.

Oh, yes, he should.
He's been saying dumb stuff like that all week.

Do we have any Parmesan cheese?

And you. You're a lot of help- sitting there
stuffing your face at a time like this.

Just because Howie won't eat,
that doesn't mean I have to starve.

- You're really something.
- What are you getting mad at me for?

Because you're acting like
this isn't very important.

Well, I have some opinions,
and I'll be glad to give them to you...

as soon as you and Howard
quit acting like a couple of kids.

Oh, bull- Oops.

You owe me a thousand dollars.

- What?
- I lent it to you six years ago.

Bob, that was really, really a low blow,
I mean, bringing that up at a time like this.

- And you owe me 20.
- Oh, yeah. Don't- Don't let me forget that.

Hey, it's the stupidest argument
I have ever heard.

That's easy for you to say. You're the one
who made Howie fall in love with you.

Hey, now wait. Now don't get mad at me
just 'cause he didn't like your franks and beans.

That's right, Ellen. You see this?
I mean, this is what kids like.

Howard, don't throw that in my face.

Then again, maybe I would be
more comfortable on the sofa.

Hey, can I have a-
can I have a sip of that wine?

It's red wine, Howard.
I'm not sure it goes with tantrums.

Howie, what are you doing here?

- I was hungry.
- That makes two of us.

- Oh, you want some spaghetti?
- Have any franks and beans?

Howie, you have franks and beans over there.

Yeah, but they're all cold now.

- Well, make him some more. This is your chance.
- No.

Sit down, Howie.

Now, I'll warm up the cold ones for you,
and if you don't eat them, that's tough.

That's it.
That's it. I mean,you blew it.

I mean, first it was the- it was the brown outfit,
then the ice cream and now this.

Howard, let me give you that advice now.

Shut up.

Thanks, Bob.
Okay, Howie, now that's the deal.

- Take it or leave it.
- I'll take it.

Fine. And then when you finish eating
you're gonna brush your teeth and go to bed...

because tomorrow you and I are going
to the aquarium-just the two of us.

- We are?
- Yes, we are.

- Then can we go to the zoo?
- We'll see. Come on. Let's eat.

- I bet you can hit a curve ball.
- Well, anybody can.

All you gotta do is close up your stance
and then hang in there a little bit.

Look. I'm, uh, sorry the way Ellen acted.
She gets irrational at times.

Well, I, uh- I love the way
you stood by her, Howard.

Yeah. Oh, and I'm gonna payyou back
that, uh- that $20 I owe you.

- Yeah. I'm counting on it.
- Oh, and about that thousand dollars...

that, uh-
that, uh, Ellen owes you-

- Oh, Howard, don't worry about it.
- What- What about the thousand?

Well, ifshe hasn't paid you back
by the time we've married, um...

that's your wedding present to us.

- Hey,jer.
- Hey, Carol. How does it look?

[Gasps]
Unbelievable. What time is it?

No, no. It's a barometer.

So let's, uh- Let's check it out, huh?
Ask me what the weather's like.

- What's the weather likejerry?
- The weather? Holy cow!

Let's check our Klaus Protzman barometer
and see.

Klaus Protzman- that little devil's
back on the street inventing again?

Okay. It's, uh, sunny and dry.
The pressure's holding at 30.02 and steady.

Looks like a good day
for sailing, strolling and shopping.

Ah, the three “S's?
[ Laughs]

[ Mews]