All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s02e04 - Somebody Down Here Likes Me

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

- Hi, Emily. Hi, Howard.
- Hi, Bob. - Hi, dear.

You're home already?
I haven't even started dinner.

I can go back
and come in later.

No!
I-l just didn't realize how late it was.

- Wejust got back from the auction.
- Oh, yeah. How was it?

Great! I mean,
for the church it was great.

Some of us
made very generous contributions.

Some, uh- Some of us?

Yeah, well, uh, I'll start dinner.
[Chuckling]

Anyway, I, uh,
gotta get back to the church.

Howard, have you always been
such a big church person?

Bob, when you hit an air pocket
at 30,000 feet...

you've gotta believe in something.

So, they had a lot of interesting things
at the auction.

Yeah.
Really, really interesting.

What interesting thing did you buy?

Oh, I hope you like it, Bob.

Well, I want to like it, Emily.
Wh-What is it?

- Guess.
- A steeple.

No.

Here it is, Bob.

Isn't it beautiful?

- A Bible?
- Well, that's no ordinary Bible, Bob.

That's 400 years old.
That's an antique Bible.

How much is that in dollars?

Well, the price includes a solid oak stand
that they're delivering tomorrow.

Emily, I'm gonna sit down for this.

I want it fast-
one quick chop in the throat.

The whole thing-
delivery charge, tax included.

- Oh, Bob, but it's so beautiful.
- Faster.

- We haven't bought anything for
the house in months. - Faster.

- $350.
- You're kidding.

I'll take it back.

- Emily, I want to explain something to you.
- I said I'd take it back.

Emily, there is no way
I can askyou to take that back...

without feeling like a villain.

I mean, asking you to take back a Bible
is like kicking a dog.

Let's say it's a-

a cannonball-

an antique cannonball-
and you paid $350 for it.

Now, if I told you, “Emily, that's
too much money for a cannonball“...

you'd take it back, right?

- Right.
- Then take back the cannonball.

You know, Bob,
I was gonna take it back.

But after that dumb argument,
I'm gonna keep it.

All right, Emily, I understand.

You saw something
on the spur of the moment...

that you thought
would look nice in our house.

I'm not gonna askyou to take it back.
I'm not gonna argue with you anymore.

I'll tell you what.

I'll take it back.

Nothing's coming out, Ernie!

- How'; that?
- There. Now it's blowing up a storm.

Thanks, Reverend.

- [ Knocking]
- Come in.

Uh-
Uh, Reverend Bradford?

- Right.
- I'm Bob Hartley.

Hartley?
Dr. Hartley, Emily's husband.

- That's right.
- I really want to thank you.

Your wife really made that auction
a great success.

I'm sure she had a part in it.

We made enough money
to send the poor kids to camp...

set up a soup kitchen
for some of the guys on skid row...

buy a new pipe for the organ.

B-flat.
We've never had that before.

I'm sure that “B“
is a very important flat.

And we even had enough
left over for this. [Chuckles]

Well, Dr. Hartley,
I guess we'd better talk about it, huh?

Uh, talk about it?

The Bible. I have a feeling you're not
carrying it aroundjust to read it on the train.

Set it down here.

Yeah, well, thank you.
It is kinda heavy.

It's no wonder.
The Psalms alone weigh 15 pounds.

- It's a honey, isn't it?
- Yeah.

L, uh, thumbed through it,
you know.

[Clears Throat]
It seems to be in very good shape.

You want your money back,
don't you, Dr. Hartley?

Yes- Yes, I do-
I-l did.

Well,ina-
in a way I still do.

Don't feel guilty.

If I were married and my wife spent $350
for a Bible, I'd be madder than hell.

[Clears Throat]
That's, uh-

That's good to know.
[Chuckles]

I haven't even cashed
your check yet.

Here.

I appreciate your not
making me feel guilty.

I didn't wanna go that far.

Don't worry about it.

Listen, a lot of people get caught up
with a spirit of generosity...

and then when they realize it's going to
cost them money they have second thoughts.

I'm starting to feel
guilty all over again.

Good!

Hey, what do you say we go out
and get a cup of coffee?

- Oh, l-l'm sorry-
- I'll treat.

Uh, no, no.
Maybe s-some other time.

I have a patient due at 11 :00.
I should be back.

- What kind of a doctor are you?
- I'm a psychologist.

Ah, really?
I wanted to be a psychologist too.

And a fireman and a discjockey
and a helicopter pilot.

And president of the United States.

What you wound up doing
is pretty good too.

Oh, yeah. Yeah-

Oh,yeah,yeah! I love it.
I really do. Ministry is terrific.

We have one shortcoming though.

It's that constant uphill battle...

to raise money.

L, uh, I really
ought to be getting back.

Uh, Emily really, uh-
really liked that Bible.

I'll sell it back to you for $400.

No, no, you can take the Bible back
if you want.

That's not a bad investment,
and it is tax-deductible.

Maybe I-
Maybe I s-should take it back.

- [Ernie] Rem Bradford?
- Yes?

- I'm coming down.
- Fine.

[Clears Throat]

I don't know, Dr. Hartley.
I've never felt this low in my whole life.

The more time you invest in a relationship,
the worse you feel when it's over.

How long have you and Cynthia
been seeing each other?

Over a week.

Well, it's certainly one of
your longer relationships, Mr. Carlin.

We're never out
of each other's sight.

From the minute she came to work
as my secretary, we were inseparable.

We had breakfast, lunch
and dinner together.

When did you first notice the relationship
was starting to deteriorate?

When she married my partner.

That-
[Clears Throat]

That would do it, yeah.

I can't figure out when
they had time to see each other.

Maybe it was somewhere after dinner
and before breakfast.

Yeah, well, unfortunately,
our time is up, Mr. Carlin.

I gotta get back to the office.
My partner's wife gets real mad when I'm late.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Well, that's okay with me,
Mr. Carlin.

I need the key.
The key.

Oh, we don't
keep it locked anymore.

Oh.
Then I'm not going.

Excuse me.
ls Dr. Hartley free?

No, but he's reasonable.

That's just a little, uh,
receptionist humor there.

- Did you have an appointment?
- No, no.

- I just wanted to drop in, say hello.
- Oh. Well, I'll just buzz him.

Oh, Bob, there's a, uh-

- Dan Bradford.
- Dan Bradford here.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Thank you.

He'll be right out,
Mr. Bradford.

- Dan.
- Carol.

Excuse me for saying this,
but you really have a very nice smile.

L beg your pardon?

You have a very nice smile.

Oh. Thank you.
I just wanted to hear it again.

Well, Reverend Bradford,
come on in.

Reverend?
You're a reverend?

- Uh-huh.
- Oh. Oh. Oh.

I'm sorry, sir.
I'm- I'm sorry. I'm really-

I'm- Really, I'm-

Why don't you sit down?

I guess most people
don't sit on this couch.

That's right.

Would you, uh,
care for some coffee?

- No, thanks.
- I'll treat.

Maybe later.

Yeah.

I really enjoyed meeting Emily
the other day.

And I especially enjoyed
talking to you at the church.

L-I enjoyed talking
to you too, Reverend.

What are the chances of seeing you
on a full-time basis?

Well, Emily and I get to church
as often as we can.

No, you don't understand.

I would like to come and see you
professionally as your patient.

You seem surprised, Dr. Hartley.

Well, you are a- a minister.

Well, ministers have problems too.

Well, um, I mean, isn't there...

someone else
you could discuss it with?

[Clears Throat]

I just feel that I'd be...

uh, stepping on toes.

Big, big toes.

I can't get through to God
on this one, Dr. Hartley.

That's why I came to you.

Been doing a lot of soul searching...

and I've been thinking about
going to see a psychologist...

so after talking with you in my office,
I felt I wanted to come talk to you in your office.

How about your superiors?
Have you talked to them?

Yeah. They sit there and do
push-ups with their fingers.

Kinda like
what you're doing right now.

Uh, here's the coffee, Bob.

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

Excuse me.
Uh, that's a little hot, Reverend.

Uh, excuse me.
And, uh, bless you.

[Clears Throat]

Uh, Reverend...

I'd like to askyou,
what do you feel is your problem?

Well, you'vejust seen it.

- You mean Carol?
- I mean all Carols.

The minute they find out I'm a minister,
they turn right off.

And it's not just the women-
it's everybody.

I just wish everybody
wouldn't treat me so formally.

Well, I'm not treating you formally,
am I, Reverend?

You see? Right there.

We should be on a first-name basis,
shouldn't we, Doctor?

Why don't we call each other
Bob and Dan.

- Fine.
- I'll be Dan.

- Okay.
- Now, you take the football season.

See, I work Sunday.
I can't even go and see a game.

Sometimes I wish I was a rabbi.

What about
Monday Night Football?

We have our elders meeting
on Monday night.

We have to get them early in the week
while they're still alert.

Did you see
Last Tango in Paris?

- Well-
- Yeah, I saw it too.

It was the biggest mistake
I ever made.

There were a couple of people from my
congregation there. They saw me and walked out.

- Maybe they didn't like the movie.
- No, they liked the movie.

They didn't like me liking it.

You see, that's my trouble, Bob.

They don't allow me to be a person
like anybody else.

I thinkl understand.

I think I'd be better off starting you off
in a group therapy group.

Just people relating to each other
as people.

No badges, no uniforms, no collars.

Everybody is treated
exactly like everybody else.

That sounds terrific, Bob.

How much will that kind of thing
cost me?

For you, nothing.

Oh, uh, how often do we meet?

Well, the bigger the problem,
the more sessions.

In a case like yours,
one session a week would be enough.

Hey, Bob, I got a couple extra tickets
for the Bears game Sunday.

- Can you use 'em?
- Sorry/Jerry. I can't.

Gee, that's too bad, Bob.
These are great seats.

How about you? I'm trying to unload 'em.
I'll give 'em to you half price.

Uh, thanks.
I work on Sunday.

What are you,
a minister or somethin'?

Yes, I am.

Oh! Really?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

Well, if you know anybody who you might, uh-
I'll s-see you later, Bob.

I'm sorry.

- J'J[ Dramatic]
" [ Sobbing]

[TV Clicks Off]

Honey, why do you let Casablanca
upset you so much?

Oh, Bob.

Ingrid Bergman is never
gonna see Bogie again.just never.

That's not true. She's gonna see him
every night this week after the I 0:00 news.

Oh, that moviejust exhausts me.

Areyou almost finished
with those bills?

I only got a couple more.

Reverend Bradford.
I'm never quite sure what to charge him.

Well, he wants to be treated like an
ordinary guy, charge him like an ordinary guy.

- It's just kinda hard.
- Oh, well, let me make it easy for you, Bob.

We own a $350 Bible.

Right.
Ordinary guy.

He is such a sweet man.

- How's he getting along?
-just great.

It's been two months now.

The group is starting to accept him as a person,
and he's starting to accept himself.

It's really a pleasure to sit there
and watch a man heal.

You wanna finish
the rest of these?

I'm full.

- [Knocking]
- Bob and Emily, are you up?

- [Bob] Yeah. Come on in, Howard
- Oh!

Oh, I just saw the most
wonderful movie on television.

I had to come over
and tell you about it.

You don't have to.
Wejust saw it.

Oh, gosh. I mean, wasn't he great?
Wasn't he really great?

- There's no one else like him.
- Nobody.

Now I know why they call him
the King of Comedy.

Humphrey Bogart
was the King of Comedy?

- No, he wasn't.
- Howard, what are you talking about?

AW.C. Fields movie.

Boy, he makes me laugh so hard
I could cry.

[Phone Rings]

I never thought
Humphrey Bogart was funny.

Hello? Oh, hi, Dan.

No, you're not bothering us.
We're just making out bills and crying.

Tomorrow?
A special sermon?

Sure. We'd be glad to.

Oh, and I thinkyou'll be very happy
with this month's bill.

Good-bye, Dan.

- Was that Dan Bradford?
- Yeah.

- Reverend Bradford?
- Yeah.

- What did he call you for?
- He wants us to come to his church tomorrow.

He called you personally
and asked you to go to church?

- That's right, Howard.
- You better go, Bob.

Maybe he knows something.

By the same token,
the man who coined the phrase...

“Don't change horses
in the middle of the stream"...

probably tried it
and fell in the creek.

But we can't be afraid to make a change,
even ifit means getting a little wet.

And that's the promise we have-

that each day
is a new opportunity...

to make changes in our lives.

Now, while we're on
the subject of change...

this is your chance
to get rid of a little of yours.

You might want to cushion it
with a little folding money too.

- 2.'! 0112911]
- I really got a lot out of that, Bob.

He is terrific.

He was so interesting,
I didn't get a chance to doze off.

Howard, isn't $1 O a little generous?

No, that's about right.
I'm flying over the Rockies tonight.

We'd better be generous too, honey.

- We have to make up for a lot of Sundays.
- I don't carry that much money.

We take checks, Bob.

I have a few announcements
I'd like to make this morning.

Two weeks from today
there will be a pancake breakfast...

in the social hall
right after the service.

The proceeds will be used
to help pay for the batter.

The senior high group
will be holding another car wash...

this afternoon
from 1:00 to 4:00.

It's only a dollar. And this time
they promise to roll up your windows.

Finally, I would like
to express my appreciation...

for the continued support you've given me
for the three years I've been here.

And in conjunction with that, I would like
to tell you just a little bit about a man...

who is with us today-

I won't embarrass him by asking him
to stand up- he knows who he is.

But he's been more
thanjust a friend.

He's been instrumental in...

helping me get in touch with my feelings
and not copping out.

- Bob, he's talking about you.
- I know.

I want to thank him...

for helping me to reach
a very important decision.

So, following the car wash
and the baptism this afternoon...

I'll be hanging up the collar.

[Congregation Murmuring]

Oh, no.

I'm leaving the ministry...

and I would like to thank God
and Dr. Robert Hartley...

for giving me the strength to do it.

Who is this Dr. Robert Hartley?

Bob, it's not your fault.
Will you stop blaming yourself.

You heard what the man said,
right there in front of God and everybody.

“Dr. Robert Hartley.“
And then I swore I heard a clap of thunder.

Bob, somebody
dropped a collection plate.

Bob, you can't feel guilty...

for helping a man realize
he was in the wrong profession.

He quit the ministry.

You're treating the ministry
as if it's something sacred.

Well, I think it is.

Well, it wasn't right for him.

Emily, sit up.

When I was a little boy my mother
used to take me to church on Sunday.

She'd dress me up
in this cute little sailor suit.

I know, dear. She's saving it for us
for when we have a son.

And I used to sit in this big pew...

and stare up at the priest
towering over me in the pulpit...

and listening to his deep, resonant voice
booming out at me.

I mean, I thought he was God.

Well, I can understand why.

And then I found out later
that he'sjust a 5-foot-3-inch person...

standing on a orange crate
using a microphone.

Then one Sunday,
in the middle of his sermon...

the orange crate collapsed.

As he was falling through it,
he grabbed the microphone.

He disappeared behind the lectern.

But he still kept talking.

He never missed a beat of the sermon.

And he must have been thrashing back there
for- for 1 O or 15 minutes.

And when he finally got up,
it was just in time to say “Amen?

He didn't give up, Emily.

I mean, that's- that's, to me,
what the clergy is all about.

I mean, you-you don't quit...

even if your orange crate breaks.

Bob, a man quit hisjob.

You've had other patients
quit theirjobs.

What about that Mr. Kerwin? He was unhappy
in his work, and you encouraged him to quit.

Emily, that isn't the same thing.
Mr. Kerwin slaughtered pigs.

But, Bob, it is the same thing.

Dan Bradford has as much right
to quit as Mr. Kerwin.

You've got to let him go. You have
got to practice what you preach.

- You really think so?
- I really do.

- You know what else I think?
- What?

I think I have got to get some sleep.

Okay.
I think I can sleep now too.

[Sighs]

You know,
you're so right, Emily.

You really-
You really understand me.

Oh, thank you, Bob.

I mean, here I was blaming myself
for something I had no control over.

- I mean, that's wrong.
- That's right, Bob.

B-Because it-
I-it wasn't my fault.

Good night, Bob.

I mean...

it was yam fault.

If you hadn't brought the Bible home,
this never would have happened.

Fine, Mrsjacobs,
4:00. Okay.

Hi, Carol.
Any calls? Any messages?

Uh, no calls, no messages, but...

you got a letter from Dan Bradford
postmarked Bangor, Maine.

I didn't know he went there.

Yeah, that's his hometown.
He ran for mayor, and he's very happy.

Oh, Dan Bradford.
A politician.

I thought he was
too honest for that.

I didn't say he won.
I just said he was happy.

[ Mews]