All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s02e01 - The Last TV Show

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

I just get this feeling
my father doesn't like me.

I think he wants me
to move out of the house.

- Why do you say that, Michelle?
- He just raised the rent on my room.

Of course, the cost of living
is going up. Prices are rising.

Yeah, but my brother's room is bigger, and
his rent is lower, and he's got a lease.

I just can't talk to him.
I guess I'm afraid ofhim.

- I'm just too timid.
- I can relate to that.

I used to be kind
of timid myself.

Why don't we go with that, Mr. Peterson.
How did you overcome your timidness?

I joined the marines.

- You were a marine?
- Yeah.

- I don't believe that.
- Yeah. I'm a trained killer.

Isn't that nice?

Let's get back
to Michelle's problem.

Anybody have any suggestions on how she
can better communicate with her father?

If you're afraid
to talk to your father...

why don't you write him
a nice, friendly letter?

That's a good idea.
I'll put it in with the rent check.

L, uh- [ Clears Throat] I feel very good
about what's happening here today.

I think we've related
to one another very well...

and I have good feelings
toward all of you today.

Sounds like
the old wrap-up to me.

You're right, Mr. Carlin.
I'll see you all next week.

[All, Overlapping]
Okay. Thanks a lot. Bye, Doctor.

- I still don't believe you was a marine.
- Oh, yeah?

Blow it out your barracks bag.

Bob, you've got
three phone messages.

Mr. Conover, Mr. Conover
and Mr. Conover.

- What did they want?
- Don't you- Don't you remember?

He's that TV producer that wants you
and your group to go on his show.

Oh. The answer is
no, no and no.

Couldn't I just
tell him no, no and maybe?

Bob, television is so exciting.

Well, I just don't understand how anyone can
turn down the chance to go on television.

- Who's not gonna be on TV?
- Bob.

- What show aren't you gonna be on, Bob?
- They want Bob and his group...

to be on PsychologyinAct/on,
and he turned them down.

- Bob, you're kidding.
- You heard him.

What? That's a great chance
for some free publicity, Bob.

Boy, if they had a show called
Gums inAct/on, I'd be on in a minute.

Jerry, I'm a psychologist,
not a television performer.

Oh, I get it, Bob.
A little stage fright, huh?

There's nothing to be afraid of, Bob.
I've been on television. It's easy.

Jerry, catching a foul ball
at Wrigley Field is not the same thing.

Not that.
I mean real television.

When I was a kid,
I was on TheArt LInkletterS/vow

I did say the darnedest thing.
They had to cut it right out of the show.

Yeah. I was way ahead of my time.

Today I could get applause
with a word like “poo-poo.”

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna
put my group on television.

Oh, poo-poo.

Yes, Mr. Conover, I will. I'll give him
your message and ask him to call you.

Yes. Fine. Good-bye.

- What was that?
- Oh, it's a man from public television...

who wants Bob and his group
to go on his show.

Oh, I love public television.
They have such interesting people on.

William F. Buckley.
David Susskind. The Muppets.

- [ Doorbell Chimes]
- Oh, oh. That's Bob. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Hi, honey.

- [ Inaudible]
- it's okay. it sounded kind of nice.

Still biting your fingernails, Howard?

Oh, no. I'm cooking dinner tonight.
just one of my little ways...

of saying thanks for all of the hundreds
of meals I've had over here.

- Well, that should even things out.
- Hi.

- Well, how was your day?
- Howard, I can handle that part myself.

Well, uh, just why don't you relax,
and I'll get you a drink.

- Well, how was your day?
- Fine, Emily.

Oh, Bob, I almost forgot.
A Mr. Conover called.

- He called here at home? - Yeah. He seemed
so nice, and he sounded so desperate.

How many times
do you have to tell a man no?

Well, at least one more time, Bob.
I told him you'd call back.

Here you are.

- What is it, Howard?
- It's a bullshot.

I thought you made a bullshot
with vodka and beef bouillon.

That's right, Bob, but I couldn't
find the beef bouillon, sol used chicken.

I guess you could
call it “chickenshot?

Bob, why did you refuse?

I don't like the color of it,
to begin with.

No. I meant
the television show.

I mean, you must have a good reason
for not wanting to go on.

Well, I do. A group is a very private,
intimate thing.

I mean, I can't ask my group
to expose their problems on television.

I mean, the group is built
on trust and honesty.

I wouldn't do anything
to hurt that relationship.

And I guess the group
feels the same way, huh?

I haven't told 'em yet.

You know, I saw that show.
They had this poor guy on once.

He was 4O years old, and he was divorced,
and he lived all alone.

His wife had custody of the kids.
Wow, it was really depressing, you know.

It makes you realize that a lot
of people have it worse off than you do.

Howard, you have
all those same problems.

That's right.
Wow, that really is depressing.

- Oh, well. Soup's on.
- I already have mine, Howard.

- [ Phone Rings]
- You want me to get that?

- [Emily] Would you, Howard? Thank you.
- Hello?

Mr. Conover?
No. This is his neighbor, Howard Borden.

Yeah. He's right here.

Uh, no, he's not right here.

I mean, he was here, and he'll be here
again, but he's not here now.

No, no. Honest.
This is me. This is not him.

You mean the show? Well,
he says he doesn't want to go on...

because he doesn't want the group
to expose themselves on television.

Is that right, Bob?

No, it isn't, Howard.
I'll take it.

Guess what. He's here!

Hello? Hello, Mr. Conover.

Yeah. It's really me.
Look, Mr. Conover...

there are a lot
of psychology groups in Chicago.

Have you contacted Bernie Layton?
He's always into new things.

You talked to him, and he said yes?
Well, why don't you put him on the show?

That is a new thing. Couldn't you just
photograph 'em from the necks up?

Sometimes theyjump up on chairs.

I'm sorry, Mr. Conover.
The answer is still no. Good-bye.

Boy, I gotta hand it to you, Bob. Once
you make up your mind, you really stick to it.

That's a sure sign
of... stubbornness.

HeyJerry, Bob.
Where you been?

- I took Bob to the Dental Association luncheon.
- Gee, you're a little late.

- Your group's in there waitin'.
- Yeah. You kind of lose track of time...

when you're watching
color slides of pyorrhea.

Bob- Bob, listen, before you go in there,
there's just one thing.

- What?
- They know.

- They know what?
- Oh, that they're not gonna go on television.

- Who told them?
- Uh...

I think it slipped out
when I told them.

They should be in a good mood then.

Well, how is everybody?

I'm sorry I'm a little late.

Well, why don't we start
where we left off last time?

You wanna start fresh?

I don't know, but I get this feeling
that I'm the only one talking.

I just want you to know
I think the whole thing stinks.

Yeah. Why won't you
let us go on television?

- Are you ashamed of us, Dr. Hartley?
- Of course I'm not ashamed.

Is it 'cause I wear a “toup”?

No. The reason I turned it down
is because you're all such private people.

Yeah. He's afraid
to unleash us on the public.

- He thinks we'll embarrass him.
- Well, that's his problem.

Why don't you tell us what you don't like
about us, Dr. Hartley...

and maybe we could help you?

But I like all of you.
I'm proud of all of you.

We've got nothing to hide.
We have important things to say.

Now, let me get this straight.
You wanna go on television?

- [All ] Yes. That's right. Sure.
- And you're not afraid...

of discussing your personal problems
in front of thousands of strangers?

- No.
- Who's afraid? I'm not afraid.

We were all strangers once.

I had no idea you'd react like this.

I thought some of you might feel foolish
being on television.

Not me. I ain't afraid
of making a fool of myself.

- That's for sure.
- Now, wait a minute, buster.

- You wanna step outside?
- Now, look-

Hold it. Hold it. That's one reason
I was hesitant about having you on television.

That's exactly one of the reasons
we should go on television.

- Arguments are honest.
- All right. Then we'll go on television.

- [All Cheering] - As long as you're
willing to open up and discuss problems.

I'm willing, Dr. Hartley. I feel like I'd even
discuss that personal problem of mine-

the one we discussed
in my private session.

Which one is that?

I'm not gonna say it
in front of these people.

- Well, what do you think?
- Oh, that's fine.

Yeah, I also
liked ensemble number four.

That's right. That was the suit.
That could be better.

No, Bob- Bob, what you have on is fine.
You're gonna look wonderful on the show.

Emily, I don't wanna look wonderful. I wanna
look sincere and concerned and compassionate.

Oh, well, if that's what you want, why
don't you just turn your collar around?

Emily, people watching television
want a psychologist...

to look like a psychologist.

Honey, the audience isn't gonna
be watching what you're wearing.

- They're gonna be listening to what you're saying.
- That's great.

Until you mentioned it,
I hadn't even thought about that.

- [ Phone Ringing]
- I'll get it.

Hello? Yes. He's here.
just a minute.

It's for you.
She sounds upset.

Hello?
Oh, hello, Michelle.

It doesn't matter
what you wear.

The plaid skirt'd be fine.

Plaid makes you look short and fat.

Maybe I'll change
into the blue suit.

Anything, Michelle,
as long as you're comfortable.

That sounds fine.
A black trench coat.

Pearls are always a nice touch.
Good-bye, Michelle.

- [ Doorbell Chimes]
- Come in. It's open.

Bob, got a telegram for ya.

It's from me.

I was going to have it delivered, but
they said it may take about three days.

- Thank you, Howard.
- No, no. Go ahead. Read it out loud.

I thought it up myself to sort of say,
you know, good luck, Bob.

“Good luck, Bob.“

Uh, when are you
gonna get dressed?

That's it, Emily.
I'm wearing the blue suit.

- [Emily] 0h, I11; Carol H1; jer.
- Hi, Howard.

- [ Howard] Hi.
- Carol, you look great. Is that a new dress?

No, but it doesn't get out much.

I figured,you know,
it's a special occasion, so why not?

- Emily, where can I plug this in?
Jerry, why did you bring a television set?

You kiddin'? This is Monday night.
I gotta watch a little of the Bears-Steeiers game.

You mean the football game
is on opposite Bob?

Yeah. Gunsmoke ma.

Oh, there he is,
ladies and gentlemen- Supershrink.

- Suit's a little boring, isn't it, Bob?
- /t's- It'; perfect, Bob.

- lt'sjust perfect.
- That isn't good enough.

- You nervous, Bob?
- No. I'll just say I'm incredibly alert.

Honey, you'd better get going,
or you're gonna be late.

- Good luck, Bob.
- Yeah, Bob. Break a leg.

Howard]
Yeah, Bob. I told all my friends to watch.

- I'm gonna change into the sport coat.
- Bob, out.

- I'm here, Dr. Hartley.
- Good, Mr. Carlin.

How does it look?

I just had it dry-cleaned.

It's very real and very dry.

[Weak Chuckle]
Thanks.

Excuse me, Dr, Hartley.
We'll be on the air in a few minutes.

- Better get your people ready.
- All right. Everyone wanna take a seat?

Oh, isn't this wonderful? Maybe your father
will see you and start to like you.

He probably won't see me.
He hasn't missed Gunsmoke in 17 years.

Neither have I.

I'm really worried, Dr. Hartley.
I'm afraid I'll be too nervous...

and when I'm nervous,
my voice gets real high.

All right. Could I have your attention
forjust a minute?

I'm sure you're all nervous.
I knowl am.

- I don't like to hear him say that, do you?
- Butjust imagine that...

this is a regular session and pretend like
you're back in the office.

- There's no difference.
- Okay, everybody. Put your mikes on.

Man On P.A.]
Thirty seconds to air. Stand by, everybody.

- That never happened in the office.
- [Man on RA. jHeJw, Henry.

- Put some makeup on the guy with the hairpiece,
Wight.

- I'm sure that was just a lucky guess, Mr. Carlin.
- Okay, everybody.

Now,just relax
and enjoy yourselves. Have fun.

If anybody's gonna have a breakthrough,
have it to camera number three.

- That's your close-up.
- [Man On P.A. ] Okay everybody Relax.

Fifteen seconds to air,.

- [Cheering On TV]
-jerry, you'd better turn off the game.

- The show's about to start.
- [TV Clicks Off]

Hope Bob does better
than the Bears are doing.

[TV Announcer]
W.T.T.W. presents PsychologyinAct/on.

Tonight we take pride in presenting one
of Chicago's leading psychologists...

Dr. Robert Hartman.

Oh, no.
They got his name wrong.

It's Hartley, isn't it, Emily?

- Oh, there he is!
- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Dr. Robert Hartley
Welcome to PsychologyinAct/on.

The people here are all members
of my regular group therapy group...

and what we're going to be doing here
is what we do in our regular group sessions.

Except tonight,
there won't be any charge.

Why don't we start things off
just where we left off last time.

Michelle, I believe you were discussing
some of the ambivalent feelings...

you had toward your father-
the friction-

What friction?
I don't know what you're talking about.

My father is a beautiful human being.
I love my father.

Isn't that nice?

Mrs. Bakerman...

you wanna describe some of the feelings
you have about your new boss?

I don't feel like
talking right now.

Is that all right, Dr. Hartman?

Yes, that's all right, Mrs. Bakerman.
One hard and fast rule we have in group...

is that no one has to talk
if they don't want to.

Good.

- Why is that, Mr. Carlin?
- Why is what?

- Why is what I said good?
- 'Cause I'm not gonna talk either.

Well, no one seems to wanna talk.

How 'bout you, Mr. Peterson?
You wanna talk?

Mr. Peterson,
you wanna work now?

Well, I finally did it.

Last week,
I finally spoke up to my wife.

I mean, I just said to her, “Doris, you're
not gonna push me around anymore.

[High Voice] No, sir! I'm the man
in this family, and when I talk“-

[inaudible]

[Clears Throat]
Thank- Thank you, Mr. Peterson.

Well, we haven't heard from Mr. Gianelli.
Mr. Gianelli is one...

of the more outgoing members
of our group.

- Pass.
- Pass?

Pass! Pass!

- He's really bombing.
- Why don't they go to a commercial?

They can't. They don't
have commercials on public television.

Couldn't they make an exception?

It seems that no one wants to talk.
That's all right.

I'm sure all these cameras have a lot
to do with the group's nervousness...

but, then, if there weren't cameras,
you wouldn't be able to see us.

[Clears Throat]

All right. Well, then,
we just won't talk.

This very often happens
in our regular meetings.

What we do then is all keep quiet
and try to get in touch with ourselves.

We call that...

[Stammering]
trying to get in touch with ourselves.

This, uh- This might be sort
of interesting for you to watch.

What are you knitting there,
Mrs. Bakerman?

Am I knitting?

Well, look, the show'll be over soon.
it's just another, uh-

56 minutes.

I think we've had enough of trying
to get in touch with ourselves.

Another approach we often use
is to go around the group...

and ask each member
how he feels.

It's a good way to open up
and really get things moving.

Mr.- Mr. Gianelli, you wanna tell us
how you feel at this moment?

Fine.

- You want to add anything to that?
- No.

How 'bout you, Mr. Carlin?
How do you feel at this moment?

I feel, uh-l feel, um-

Good, Mr. Carlin.
Try to get in touch with those feelings.

I feel like throwing up.

Oh, Bob.
I'm so glad you're home.

Well, that makes two of us.

- Honey, can I fix you a drink?
- I don't think it'd help, Emily.

Oh, Bob, it wasn't that bad.

Emily, I was there.

- Hi, Howard.
- Oh, hi, Bob. I'm sorry. I didn't see you come in.

Oh, Bob-

Bob, I have got to tell you.
That show... was-

It was a show.

It was really something.

Oh, uh, Bob, uh-
uh, your suit looked great.

It was really blue.

You don't have to be polite.
It was- It was horrible.

It was probably the worst program
ever on television.

No, it wasn't. The fourth episode
of My Mother the Car was.

Bob, it was terrific.

You liked it, j erry?

Oh, yeah. I've never seen the lead go back
and forth so many times in one game.

- The game.
- Yeah.

- How'd it come out?
- Bears lost too.

IEFFY-Jeffy,
I think we'd better leave now.

- Oh, yeah, okay. - Yeah, well, I, uh-l
guess I'd better be leaving too...

and leave you two alone
to, uh, celebrate.

Bob- Bob, I just wanna
tell you one more thing-

uh-

Hey, uh, Bob,
you coming to work tomorrow?

- Of courseJerry. Why?
- Oh, I don't know. I was just-just wondering.

Now, Bob,
it really wasn't that bad.

It was just what you expected.
I mean, the group wasn't ready. That's all.

But you were.
You talked nonstop for almost an hour.

That's because injunior high school,
I wanted to be a senator.

Uh, I know.
You mentioned that on the show.

That's right.
What else did I say?

Uh, the fact
that you were a cook in the air force...

and that you worked
in your college library...

and that you were a high soprano
in the boys choir...

and those wonderful summers
on your Uncle Ned's farm.

It sounds kind of dull when you say it.
Was it really that bad?

Do you want me to be a good wife and lie,
or do you want the truth?

Lie.

It was wonderful, Bob.

And I think I speak for the entire group,
Dr. Hartley...

when I say thank you for
speaking for the entire group.

Yeah, we're-
We're sorry we let you down.

You didn't let me down.
I think the important thing...

is that you learned something
from this experience.

-I did. I learned a lot.
- What's that?

Mainly that I gotta
lose 1 O pounds.

My father said
I looked as big as a horse.

Maybe he was
watching Gunsmoke.

I learned something. They got
real clean restrooms at that TV station.

How 'bout you, Doc?
How did you feel about it?

- Fine.
- Wanna add anything to that?

No.

[ Mews]