Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[DOOR OPENS]

- Have you guys seen the tweezers?

- Your eyebrows getting a-a bit bushy there, George?

- My eyebrows are perfectly arched.

I've had this splinter in my finger for three days now.

I know wood could be dangerous, but you always figure

it's something that's going to happen to the other guy.

- Hi-dee-ho, my duo dos.

How's my ailing woodsman?

Still sporting lumber in that limb?

- Yes, and thanks for caring.

Dick doesn't seem to give a damn.

- I'm surprised at you.

Don't you remember what I taught you

about fake compassion?

- No. I-I remember your lesson

on insincere compliments.

By the way, you-- you're my reason for living.

- Thank you.

- Mehopes that finger splint won't cause you

to sprint from tonight.

- Oh, nothing can keep me away from one of our poker games,

except if I get another of those repulsive canker sores.

- You guys-- you guys play poker?

Wh-What time do you start?

- Oh, uh, three in the morning.

- Perfect, I, uh, I usually get up at two.

- Actually, we start at nine,

though we usually get there at eight

for an hour of man talk.

- I've heard their man talk.

They argue about who makes the best dip.

- There's no argument.

Some people are reckless when it comes to adding dill.

- Well, you're out of your avocado.

My dill dip is to die for.

- It can have that effect.

[LAUGHS]

- Girls, save it for your game, okay?

- So, you--you have room for--for another player?

- Well, we already have six.

There's me and Michael, Larry, Darryl, Darryl, and Tim Conway.

- Tim Conway? The Tim Conway?

- You wouldn't be so impressed if you tasted his dip.

I've said to him over and over, "Tim, go easy on the paprika."

- How--how do you guys know Tim--Tim Conway?

- Oh, the Darryls know him from when they were producing

The Carol Burnett Show.

- I-I-I can't believe that

you guys n-never told me about th-this poker game.

You know, I bet-- I bet Tim and I

would be good friends, you know.

I mean, we both have a kind of offbeat sense of humor and...

we, you know, we both like paprika.

- No. We don't think

you should play with us, Dick.

You know how weird you get around superstars.

- George, I-I think you're confusing me with Lucy Ricardo.

Besides, I-I make a-a dip that is so zesty,

the night that I served it to Joanna,

she agreed to marry me.

- See you at eight. Use lots of dill.

- See you at eight. Don't use any dill.

- Where are you going?

- Oh, I'm going to make my--my special dip

so I can play cards tonight.

- You're making our dip for someone else?

- Well, it won't exactly be o-our dip

because th-there won't be an engagement ring

at the bottom of the bowl.

- Hello, Stephanie, Joanna.

- Hi, Miss Goddard. - Hi.

- I'm not here in my professional capacity

as town librarian.

I'm here as a depressed woman who needs to talk to someone

about her feelings.

- Well, I pride myself on being a good listener.

But only when I'm the topic of conversation.

See ya.

- I need two people to hear my emotional outpouring.

I have a lot of guts to spill.

- Well, as long as you say it pretty like that.

- Well, today is my 25th birthday,

and I don't have a date.

It's the first time this has happened since I was 6.

I went on this hayride with Billy Miller.

He was 6 also,

yet he had the body of an 8-year-old.

Anyway, you can see why I'm depressed.

- You're only 25?

- Yes. Does that surprise you?

- Nope, not at all.

Uh-uh, the fact that I'm still talking proves

I'm not speechless.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Lou, my auto mechanic friend,

was supposed to take me out tonight,

but at the last minute his wife put her foot down.

- Some wives can be so possessive.

- Until now, I've never been without a man in my life.

My dance card's always been full, so to speak.

In fact, there have been weekends when my dance card

has become all sweaty from overuse.

- Well, there's no law that says you have to spend

your birthday with a man.

Yeah, why not spend it with Stephanie and me?

- Or better still,

why not spend it with just Joanna?

- Come on, Stephanie, it'll be fun,

the three of us having birthday cake,

champagne, a little girl talk.

Maybe we'll even tell some off-color jokes.

[LAUGHING]

- Well, I guess there are worse ways to spend an evening

than telling dirty jokes with two pitiful women.

- Now what can this be?

- [LAUGHING] - There are no moving parts.

Is it doilies?

- No, not doilies either.

- So, we've eliminated a brick of wax,

a box of rye crisp, and doilies.

And you did say it was something I would like

but it doesn't resemble a body part.

- What can this be? - Well...

- Oh, why don't you just open it,

like a normal person?

- I thought we were trying to have fun.

I guess I was mistaken.

Oh, a book.

How wonderful.

A librarian can never get her fill of these.

- Good going, Joanna.

When my birthday comes, think gift certificate.

- Well, we didn't come here to insult each other.

- We didn't?

- No. We came to celebrate Miss Goddard's birthday

and have an evening of girl talk.

Ah, let's make a list of the sexiest male movie stars.

Right on top would have to be Sean Connery, oh yeah.

I mean, even without hair, this guy is gorgeous.

Sean...

- I got your nose.

I got your nose.

- Sometimes it isn't easy to hide a hickey.

I've tried everything, makeup, a Band-Aid,

a leather collar with metal studs.

- I think I'd have to add John Goodman to the list.

He might be a little chunky, but he is so cuddly.

John...

- [PANTING] Hi, Miss Goddard.

- Ted, this is a surprise. A very pleasant surprise.

- Lou felt bad about standing you up,

so he sent me in his place. You want a massage?

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

- Ick.

- Ted, really?

Besides, neither of us can take our clothes off here.

If you like you may sit next to me,

but you mustn't try anything.

- Okay, well, you just say the word.

I'll be all over you like rust on a muffler.

- Now, where were we?

- Well, I was talking about sexy actors,

Stephanie was grabbing the baby's nose,

and I believe you were saying something

about a hickey.

- I see.

Oh, oh a sudden kink in my neck.

- Here, let Ted work his magic.

- Oh, oh yes.

Oh, oh, oh yes.

Oh, oh...

- Lovely party, Joanna.

Can baby say "Ew"?

- These chips are really tasty.

- Right. - So crispy. You know,

you don't actually need anything with them.

Just plain.

- You know, I-I couldn't help but notice

no one has touched my dip.

- Yours truly took a taste test earlier, Dick-itos.

And I must say, dippity-doo-da, dip-be-doo-doo.

- My brothers and I couldn't get close enough

for a taste due to the blinding smell.

Can you see again, Darryl?

[LAUGHING]

- Tim's here. I'd recognize the sound

of that battered old Yugo anywhere.

- Oh, right, right, Tim--Tim Conway drives a Yugo.

That's a good one, George.

[LAUGHING]

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- Sorry I'm late, guys.

Took the long way so I wouldn't have to pay the toll.

You know, if you can save a quarter

by cutting across somebody's back yard, why not?

Who's the guy laughing at the straight lines?

- That's...that's Dick Loudon. He promised he'd behave.

- Hi, Tim. I'm a big, big fan of yours.

I think I've seen everything you've--you've ever done.

- Really? Oh yeah,

did you see my TV series Rango ?

- No.

- Ace Crawford, Private Eye ?

- No.

- Turn-On ? - No.

- Some fan.

What died and became dip?

- Dick made that.

Darryl thinks it's a derivative of mustard gas.

- Let's get going here, huh?

You know, I spent three dollars on gas to get over here,

so the sooner I win it back, the sooner I'll stop shaking.

[LAUGHING]

- Okay, everybody, let's ante up your ten-cent pieces.

- Oh, by the way, Darryl now considers

bluffing to be a sin.

So he'll occasionally be engaging in

self-flagellation.

- All right, everybody, show Pappy what you got.

- H-H-Hold it.

Pappy, what--what happened-- what happened to raising?

- Raising?

Dick, these aren't matchsticks we're playing for.

These are real dimes.

- Raising is verboten in this casino.

Where do you think you are, Fabulous Laughlin, Nevada?

- Well, wh-what kind of game is it i-if you can't raise?

What are we playing, remedial poker?

- Okay, okay, okay, let him raise, all right? Huh?

I mean, what's it going to cost us, another nickel?

- Actually, a quarter.

[ALL SIGHING]

- A quarter! Oh boy.

That's it, I'm out of here.

Oh yeah. Yes sir, you've got yourself

a gambling problem here, mister.

Yes sir, you ought to get professional help.

- I'm gone, boys. - Tim, please don't go.

- No, no. Oh no, my little change purse

is not safe as long as he's still breathing.

- Dick, stop breathing.

You're ruining things for everyone else.

- Is there a cheap place in town to eat here, boys?

- Danny's Diner out on Route 14.

You can get a whole meal for under three dollars.

- Oh, well, maybe I'll just have the soup.

- All--all I I did was--was raise a quarter.

- Oh, how could we have told Dick about this game?

It was the promise of dip that clouded our thinking.

- The only bright spot I can find

is that it wasn't my loose-lipped brothers

who spilled the proverbial beans.

Any chance they get to make that gesture,

they take advantage of it.

The last time seemed gratuitous.

- Why am I getting all the blame?

I mean, y-you have to admit th-that Tim Conway

is a--is a bit o-on the cheap side.

[GASPS]

- Stop trying to pass the buck, bucko.

Everything was hunky-dory until you walked into the party

and watched yourself gavotte.

- Watched myself what?

- Can't help you there. Don't know what it means either.

- Gavotte is a French peasant dance,

resembling the minuet.

The word was used incorrectly in a popular Carly Simon song.

I wrote several letters telling her of her mistake

and was finally rewarded with a cease and desist order.

- All I know is Tim Conway came here every Saturday

for over a year and life was good.

Then along came Dick.

- All right. All right, i-if you want,

I-I'll go to Danny's Diner

and apologize to Tim for--for raising in poker.

- Good. Good idea. - I think you should.

Tell him you did it because you're a codependent.

It's supposedly the very latest in excuses.

- Here's your hot water.

- Thank you.

- Sure you don't want a meal with that?

- No, no. no. No thank you.

Oh, excuse me, here you go.

Let's see, that's for you.

- What's this?

- It's your tip.

Well, you can get a half a penny for it

down at the recycling center.

- Gee, thanks.

Can I get you anything else, Mr. Aluminum Tycoon?

- Oh, I'll tell you what,

can I have a slice of lemon, please?

Better yet, bring me a whole lemon.

And any complementary fruits in season,

and some of those packages of jellies and jams,

and the mustards and the ketchups. Okay?

And some artificial sweeteners, don't forget.

Oh, they're here, never mind, I got them.

- Hi. Hi, Tim.

- Oh, you're that card shark that tried to steal

my money over there, huh?

- I-I'm sorry--sorry about that, but sometimes

when I-I look at a quarter, I forget

that it, you know, it represents 25 cents.

- Oh, my god, my teabag.

Oh, it's all right.

It's okay.

Boy, I've had that since October.

- Excuse me, Mr. Conway, can I get your autograph?

- Will you buy me a cup of soup?

- Hey, I'll buy you a bowl.

- Yeah! All right.

[WHISTLING] Yo, hey, bring me a bowl of soup,

will you please? Yeah.

And throw a lobster in it, will you? Yeah.

And he's paying.

- Okay, there you go. - Thanks.

My wife wants to know if you're anybody.

- Well, I am the--the host of--of Vermont Today .

- He's nobody.

- Here you go. - Oh!

Here's your soup, your lobster, and your condiments.

- Oh, thanks. - Bon appetit.

- Great. Oh, here--here--here you go.

Here you go. There's a copy of my latest video,

Dorph Hunts the Great White Minnow.

There you go.

- Gee, thanks.

- Excuse me, it's 30 bucks.

- Go to hell. - Right.

- Isn't there anything I can do

to keep you coming back to the--the game?

- Well, you can buy me that apple pie over there.

- Wait, let me get this straight.

If--if I buy you that apple pie,

you'll come back to playing poker?

- That pie is eight dollars.

- Miss, you want to wrap up th-that pie for our friend here?

I'm paying.

- You probably want to buy one of my videos here.

They're 30 dollars.

- Go to hell. - Right.

- You know, one reason I-I wanted to meet you is because

well, you know, you have kind of a--

you have kind of an offbeat sense of humor,

and you know, we would just have so much in common,

you know, I thought we might, you know, become friends.

- Friends? [WHISTLING] Oh, boy.

Okay, why don't you just hold that thought?

Okay, huh?

I have to go to the little offbeat comedians' room.

Say listen, buddy, could I borrow a dime

for the pay toilet?

You know, I'll pay you back next week when we get together

and talk about being friends?

- Sure.

What friend, you know, would let his friend crawl under a stall?

- Aww...thank you so much.

And listen, if I don't see you in the future,

I'll see you in the pasture.

- That's a good one, Tim. That's very funny.

I think I'll laugh until the cows come home.

- Here's your pie.

That'll be eight dollars.

Cash only, no videotapes.

- Here you go.

D-Do your restrooms have--have pay toilets?

- Yeah, why?

You doing a survey?

- No, no. I just wanted to find out

if our--our friend is trying to rip me off.

[ENGINE STARTING]

My keys.

My keys!

Tim's stealing my car!

Tim--Tim Conway is--is---is stealing my car!

- Number 102,

Karl Malden.

He has a certain twinkle.

- Oh, that reminds me, sweetie.

Tomorrow we're going to the zoo.

Well, we'll be turning in now, Joanna.

Thank you for inviting us to your party.

We had a wonderful time.

Those are called insincere compliments.

We use them on Joanna a lot.

- Well, I guess I'll turn in too.

Happy birthday, Miss Goddard.

[MOANING]

I hope I made my point about not needing a man to have fun.

When our guests come down for breakfast,

just throw a blanket over yourselves.

- I can't believe that Tim Conway stole...

my-- my car.

You two wouldn't want to buy some pie, would you?

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.