All language subtitles for Newhart_S08E19

[♪♪♪]

- What--what are you doing
up there, George?

- Watching the snow fall.

If it keeps piling up
like this,

it's going to engulf the inn.

And we'll be trapped in here.

And we won't have any food,

and we'll start eating
each other's flesh to survive.

- George, the basement
i-is full o-of canned goods.

- Dick, that stuff
is loaded with sodium.

- George,
w-winter will be over soon.

You just have a-a mild case
of cabin fever.

- Yeah?

That's what Shelley Duvall
said to Jack Nicholson

in The Shining ,

right before he buried an axe
in Scatman Crothers's chest.

- Okay Dick, I made up
those five silly rooms

for those five silly guests
you're expecting.

- And did you clean up
their five silly bathrooms?

- Well, all except the one
at the end of the hall.

It has a defective mirror,
makes me look pouty.

- Life's a bitch,
and then you die.

- Couldn't we just cram
these guys into one room

and charge them for five?

- You know, m-maybe
you should be the innkeeper

and--and I should be the maid.

- Oh, no, thanks.

People in sedentary jobs

tend to get those repulsive
cellulite deposits.

- Wh-Why do you think
I wear slacks?

Did you put mints
on their pillows yet?

[SIGHS]

- You just love sucking the
lifeblood out of me, don't you?

- Hi, w-welcome to
the Stratford.

I-I'm Dick Loudon.
You must be the party of five?

- Are we that obvious?

- Well, when you work
behind the front desk

as--as long as I have,

you, you know,
you develop a-a keen eye.

- And repulsive
cellulite deposits.

- Boy, Vermont sure is beautiful
in the winter.

- It's bitter,
it's bleak,

it turns you
into a frozen zombie.

- Th-That's George Utley,
he's our--our social director.

- We thought after we settle in,
we'd like to grab a bite.

Can you suggest
a good restaurant?

- There's a bunch of them
in New York.

- Yeah, but, you know,
if you don't feel like driving

300 miles in a--in a
blizzard,

th-there's The Lusty Buccaneer
out on Route 14.

The waitresses wear
hot pants and eye patches.

- That doesn't sound
like the kind of restaurant

a priest would frequent.

- Well, maybe not, but you guys
should have a-a hell of a time.

You, uh, you--you mean
you--you men are all...

A-Are you guys, fellows, holy
men, h-here to open a winery?

- No, we're on retreat.

- Occasionally,
we're able to get away

to do some self-examination,
meditate,

and God willing,
raise a little heck.

- All right,
let's lay some ground rules.

There will be no roughhousing
in the rooms,

no all-night beer parties,

and if I find one
cigarette burn in the carpet,

Dick, I'll have you
booted out of here.

- Clear?
- Yes, ma'am.

- Dick, these guys
are real loonies.

I just saw them praying
to their pancakes.

- Stephanie,
they were saying grace.

- Do people still do that?

- Yeah, th-there's still
some loonies around

who thank God for
their daily bread, or flapjacks.

- I wouldn't know.

A Vanderkellen
never has to pray for anything.

- Excuse me, miss.

Could we trouble you
for some more coffee?

- All right.

But forget about the grace.

I already blessed the pot
in the kitchen.

- Would it be a bother
to ask for some decaf?

- Yes.

All right.

Here's your decaf.

- Dick, isn't it time to
tell Stephanie they're priests?

- Joanna, let me enjoy
this a little while longer?

I mean, there's so little
in my life that makes me smile.

- So, Lou at the gas station
was right.

You are harboring
five eligible bachelors.

- Miss Goddard, I don't know
how eligible they are.

- Then I guess
it's up to me to find out.

- Dick, tell her.

- Not--not yet.
I'm smiling.

- Hello, boys.

- Hi.

- I'm Prudence Goddard,
the town librarian.

I'm also the unofficial
welcome wagon, so to speak.

- Friendly town.

- Avert your eyes, John.

I've seen her type before,
a hotbed of sin.

- What do they call you, fella?

- Ken.

Miss Goddard,
we're all men of the cloth.

- And I'm a woman of the sheets.

- Miss--Miss Goddard,
o-our guests are--are priests.

- Priests?

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Oh, how could I be--

Are any of you
drifting from the calling?

- Certainly not.

- I see.

Well, I'm sure
the church appreciates

the sacrifice you're making.

What a shame.

I was prepared to show you
a whole new kind of heaven.

- Morning, George.
Sleep well?

- When's this winter hell
going to end?

- I slept well too, thanks.

- George,
if you're not too busy today,

we'd love to have you
take us ice fishing.

- Well, I was planning to stare
at the fireplace again today,

but heck, I can do that later.

- How about it, men?
A little ice fishing?

- Excellent idea.

- Gee, if I'd known
we were going fishing,

I would have brought my boots.

- A-Are you saying you could use
the shoes of the fishermen?

- Stephanie,
our guests are going fishing

and they'll need boxed lunches.

- You know, if you don't learn
to do things for yourselves,

no woman will ever have you.

- You haven't told her about
our vocation, have you?

- Not--not yet.

Does that make me a sinner?

- How long
has she been working for you?

- Seven years.

- Then you're serving your own
particular kind of penance.

- Dick...

are people supposed to
read those Bibles

we keep in the nightstands?

- No, no. They're just--
they're just for show.

- Well, that's what I thought.

But those guys
have them out on their beds

like they were
actually reading them.

- Maybe
they're priests on retreat.

- Oh yeah, sure.

- Hi, everybody.
Look what we caught!

- Twenty-three
of the scaliest perch

ever to be plucked out of
Johnnycake Pond.

And I reeled in
15 of them myself.

- Stephanie, why don't we take
these fish into the kitchen

and start cleaning them?

- They just came
out of the water.

How dirty could they be?

- Joanna means
you have to cut off their heads,

rip out their guts,
and peel off their skin.

- Ew.

- Come on, Stephanie,
just pretend

they're poorly dressed
townspeople.

- Th-Thanks
for taking George along.

This little outing really--
really perked up his spirits.

- He was indispensable,
especially when it came time

to remove the fish hook
from Jasper's bum.

I must say
there's something about Vermont

that produces
a special breed of man.

- Hi, I'm Larry.
This is my brother, Darryl,

and this is
my other brother, Darryl.

- And th-then
there's the occasional hybrid.

- Rumor has it
the Stratford is playing host

to a quintet of ecclesiastics.

- If--if you mean priests, yeah.

This--this is Father Ken.

- How can I help you, Larry?

- Hi.

We made this pilgrimage
to obtain papal authentication

for several of our holy relics,

the first one being
the head of Judas Iscariot.

The thick eyebrows
and fleshy cheeks

are trademark features
of the dark apostle.

- Another trademark feature is

the "Made in Puerto Rico" label.

- I hate to disappoint you,
Larry,

but this is a coconut...

with a monkey's face
carved in it.

- We do have another item

that's bound to
catch your ecumenical eye,

the trout of Turin.

- The trout of Turin?

- My brother Darryl
befriended this particular trout

while we were touring
the Canadian provinces.

He became so attached to it

that he kept it
under his pillow.

- I'm afraid a fish stain
on a pillowcase

doesn't qualify
as a holy relic.

- Well Darryl,
it appears as if our sacred sack

is sacred no more.

Come, let us part the waters
of Johnnycake Bog

and seek solace
in that ancient ark.

- Excuse me, I feel
a sudden need to go upstairs

and pray to St. Jude,

the patron saint
of hopeless causes.

[WHISTLES]

- It sounds like--sounds
like you had a good day, George.

- Oh, you bet.

I never knew priests
were supposed to have fun.

Father John
told this dilly of a joke

about a wayward Lutheran who
went to this farmer's house.

- George, George--
- These two beautiful--

I know--I know the joke,
but i-it was a wayward Baptist.

- Baptist?

That's even funnier.

[LAUGHTER]
A Baptist!

- George, I guess you're over,
you know, your winter blahs.

- Oh, it wasn't
just the winter, Dick.

I was depressed because there
wasn't any meaning in my life.

But that all changed
this afternoon.

Dick, I've decided
to become a priest.

- George, let--let me--let me
get this right.

Just because a priest
tells you a-a dilly of a story,

you're--you're ready
to--to sign up?

- Dick,
this isn't the first time

I've considered the priesthood.

When I was an altar boy
at St. Michael's,

I was a hot prospect.

The one Sunday,
I dropped a 50-pound Bible

on Father McNee's toe.

He couldn't genuflect
for a month.

- George...

don't you think--don't you think
maybe you're a little old

you know, to be--to be
starting over?

- Dick,
what's age got to do with it?

From now on, I'll be answering
to a divine boss.

- You know, I--
I always thought of myself

as a kind of divine boss.

- Don't delude yourself.
You're as mortal as they come.

- Greetings,
master of the house.

Where ist mine e-spouse?

- She's in der kitchen.

Now she's in der lobby.

- Guten abend,
my little schnitzel.

Your liebchen and liebchen-ette
are back from der TV studio.

- Michael,
why are you talking fake German?

- Herr Dick shtarted it.

- Dish not.

- Oh, de pew,
Steph, what stinks?

- The, uh, the conversation.

- No, me.

I had to clean a ton of perch
for some fishermen staying here.

- Oh, my malodorous muffin.

You were bullied by a band of
barnacle barbarians?

- Yes.

- Were they cute?

- Hey Dick,
ou want to watch Going My Way ?

I've decided to model myself
after Bing Crosby.

He was a good priest
and a heck of a crooner.

- Well,
I hope they teach crooning

at the seminary, George.

- Hello, George.

- Hi.

- Any reason for you to be here?

- Well, let's see,
I own the inn, I live here.

No, n-none whatsoever.

- So George, is it true
you're entering the priesthood?

- Yes, I'm leaving
my sinful life behind.

I've taken the vows
of poverty and obedience.

- I can't help but notice
you left out chastity.

Are you trying to seduce me?

- Heavens, no.

- I see.

In that case,
I'd like to send you off

with a very special gift,

very much like the one I
bestowed upon Tommy Anderson...

before he joined the Navy.

And like Danny O'Shannon...
before he joined the sideshow.

And Scotty Buck...before he--

I guess
he wasn't going anywhere.

- Miss Goddard, you're trying to
entice me with your femininity.

- Just think of me
as your last supper.

- I already ate.

- Then think of me
as your after-dinner mint.

- Miss Goddard,

I don't think
priests are allowed to snack.

Go forth in peace.

- You have more
inner strength than I thought.

You'll make
a wonderful priest, George.

- Thank you, my child.

- Not even one quick game
of woof-woof?

Just remember, sweet George,

I'll be waiting for you
in the afterlife.

- I just withstood
the greatest test known to man.

- D-Did Miss Goddard
do her dance of the 17 veils?

- Thank goodness, no.

I would have been
a goner for sure.

Any reason for you to be here?

- Well let's see, I still own
the inn, I still live here.

None whatsoever.

- Hi, Father Ken.

How's Father Jasper feeling?

- Better.

Some people can eat perch
and it doesn't affect them.

Others break out
in angry red blotches.

- You know, I've been
wanting to talk to you, Father.

- You're interested
in becoming a priest.

- Yeah, how'd you know?

- You're holding
the copy of Going My Way.

It's about as close
as we get to a recruitment film.

Tell me, when did you
come to this decision?

- Right after
Father John's story

about the nearsighted
Presbyterian and the billygoat.

- That one brought
the archbishop to his knees.

You know, George,

you're seeing us
at one of our rare vacations.

Most of the time,
being a priest is hard work.

- Yeah, I guess those exorcisms
can really wear a guy out.

- Well, some exorcisms.

But a more time consuming task
is to provide counsel.

Say one of your parishioners
confessed

that he was being unfaithful
to his spouse.

- You mean,
like Officer Shifflett

and Miss Goddard?

See,
he was going on a stakeout

and Miss Goddard
wanted to send him off

with a very special gift.

- George,
a priest is supposed to keep

all confessions in confidence.

- Boy, if there's anyone
who can't keep a secret it's me,

though I never told a soul

that Joanna has a tattoo
of a seahorse on her thigh.

- Joanna has a tattoo?

- Well,
since you know that much,

I might as well
tell you the rest.

See, she was showering
and I was outside on a ladder.

- You know what, George, good.

I think we've concluded
that you've got a problem

in the loose lip department.

Well, that aside, a priest
must also have the calling.

- Who calls you?

- God.

- What does he sound like?

Does he have a deep voice
like Brenda Vaccaro?

- It's not so much a voice,
George,

as it is a call from the soul.

- Gee, I haven't heard a peep
out of my soul.

- There are other ways
to show your devotion.

You could volunteer your time
at St. Michael's.

- Well, I don't think
they'd want to see

the likes of me again.

We had a falling out years ago.

- The church is all forgiving,

unless you're
that notorious altar boy

who dropped the 50-pound Bible
on Father McNee's toe.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha...

- Do you think they need any
help over at St. Christopher's?

- I'm sure they'd be
very grateful.

- Well, thanks for being
so straight with me, Father.

Maybe I'll put off
this priest thing for a while.

I guess I'd better return
Going My Way ,

unless you want to see it.

- No, thanks, I've seen it
over a hundred times.

- Well, I've got all of
Cheech and Chong's films.

- Let's watch Going My Way .

- I hope
you had a pleasant stay.

- Oh, we did.

- Now I know what hell is like.

- Well come on, I'll give you
directions out of...hell.

- So, I guess you won't be
taking--taking George along.

- No.

It's funny, it seems like
every time we have a retreat,

somebody wants to join up.

This time,
I thought it'd be you.

- Well, I-I did consider
the priesthood

briefly when--when I was a kid.

hen I went to see The Bells of
t. Mary's and noticed how hot--

how lovely
Ingrid Bergman looked.

- Say no more.

We've lost a lot of
candidates to that movie.

- Oh, you're checking out.

I better not find
any Bibles missing.

- Goodbye, Father Ken.

- So long.

- Why are you
calling him Father?

- Because I'm a priest.

- You are not.

- Yes, he is.

Oh!

Oh, didn't--

didn't I tell you?

- Excuse us, Father.

How could you do this to me?

Now I'll rot in hell for sure.

Father, I don't think you've
met my little daughter, Stephie.

I was going to name her Madonna.

- Oh, she's lovely.

Bye now.

- Did I tell you that my daddy
is chummy with the Pope?

How does Cardinal Ken sound?

- I like it.

Come out to the car
and we'll talk.

- Look what I found
in the side yard,

the first crocus of spring.

- About time, George.

- I'm going to take it
over to the library

and offer it to Miss Goddard.

Woof-woof.

- All right, who told
those priests about my tattoo?

[♪♪♪]

- Meow!