All language subtitles for Newhart_S08E14

[♪♪♪]

- Hi, honey, making any progress
on your new book?

- No, but I did come up
with a great title.

Decoys:
A Duck's Date with Death .

- You definitely cornered
the children's market.

- All I have to do by tomorrow
is come up with an intro,

18 chapters, a bibliography

and someone to write
the damn thing.

- If you're having trouble,
I could help.

- Oh, that's very sweet, honey,
but I haven't sunk that low yet.

- Well, I'm officially
off maternity leave.

Where's my welcome back party?

- Uh....

We decided to put that money
toward your retirement party.

- We almost have enough saved
for a solid gold feather duster.

- Oh, how sweet.

And tacky.

Well, long as I'm here,
I might as well do something.

Where should I start?

- Well, there are beds
to be made.

- You can't expect me
to go upstairs,

I just had a baby.

- How about the laundry?

- You can't expect me
to go downstairs,

I just had a baby.

- What can we expect you to do?

- I could use a refill.

- Joanna, as long as
you're up...

- Well, Stephanie, motherhood
certainly hasn't changed you.

- Oh, thank you.

- Now--now that you're
back to work,

how do you plan to
fill up your days?

- Well...

I'll just sit here on the sofa
and look pretty.

- Now, that's George's job.

- Oh.

Well, then I'll sit here
and greet all your silly guests.

Let's just hope
no one checks in.

- Do you have reservations
for Sam Leary?

- Looks like one of
your silly guests.

- Oh, welcome to the Stratford,
enjoy your stay.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
Hi, I'm--I'm Dick Loudon.

You'll have to forgive
our--our greeter,

she's--she's new and
totally apathetic.

- Well, I wouldn't blame her,

I always bring out
the worst in people.

Anyway, that's what Margaret
said in her goodbye letter.

You want to hear it?

- No, it's not...

- Anyway, it might make you
understand...

me a little bit better.

It says, "Dear Sam, you bring
out the worst in people.

That's why I'm leaving you.

I'm also taking the kids,

the mobile home
and your brother Mel."

- Your, uh, wife had an affair
with--with your brother?

- Oh, he was taking a nap
in the mobile home.

- Well, you know what they say,
time--time heals all wounds.

- Yeah, well that's what Mel
and the kids told me

five years ago
from a payphone in Tucson.

- That's room--room two,
at the t-top of the stairs.

- And t-take care.
- Thanks pal.

Oh!

Oh, wow, look at that!

Oh, wow, covered bridge.

Nice! How much?

- It's yours.
It's--it's on the house.

- Yeah, bet you give
one of these

to every sad sack
that comes through here.

- No, y-you're the inaugural
sad sack.

- So, what do you guys do
for fun around here?

- Well, sometimes at night,
you know,

we'll bring out
the old checkerboard

and play one game, maybe two.

- And Dick's been known
to get wild

and pop some popcorn.

- Hey, I like popcorn
and checkers.

Maybe I'm good
for a game or two.

- Oh, I-I'm sorry but I-I'm busy
writing a book on decoys

and, as a matter--a matter of
fact, I better get quacking.

[LAUGHS]

- Oh, that's okay.

I'll just stumble up
to my lonely room and, uh...

pull down the shades and weep.

- Well, you know, maybe--maybe
one game.

- Oh, wow, that's good.

I'm really good.

I used to play
against the computer.

Until Margaret
drove away with it.

Did I tell you
that she took my brother?

- Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know,
at least--at least he has

something to play with
when he--when he wakes up.

The--the computer, I mean,
not, you know,

not--not--not Margaret.

- [LAUGHS]
That's a good one.

[LAUGHS]

I haven't laughed in five years.

- Welcome to the Stratford,
enjoy your stay.

- Gee, thanks Stephanie.

- Oh, it's you.

You live here. You couldn't
possibly enjoy it.

- Something is horribly wrong
with this room.

Dick, did somebody
buy the postcard

of the covered bridge?

- I-I-I gave it away, George.

- Was this person
a member of your family

or close personal friend?

- N-No.

- Was this person somebody
who pulled you out

of a burning building
as a child?

- [CLEARS THROAT]
No.

- Was this person
Mamie Van Doren?

- No, no.
But that's three down, George.

I'm afraid I'm going to have
to turn over all the cards.

I, uh, I gave it
to--to a guest.

- Huh. You never gave me
a postcard.

Come to think of it,
you never give me anything.

- Take--take a postcard, George.

- I'd rather have
the tape dispenser.

- Okay, it's yours.
It's a birthday present.

- Well, thanks for
spoiling the surprise.

- Come to think of it, Dick.

You haven't given me anything
for quite a while.

- I just gave you
a six-week maternity leave

and--and a carriage house
to live in.

- I mean office supplies.

- Here. Here are
some rubber bands.

- Eww, the thin ones.

- Sam, y-you do know
i-it's your move, don't you?

- You asked me that same thing
20 minutes ago.

- Yeah, except this time
I'm saying it

with a certain sarcastic edge
in my voice.

- Okay, if you want to play
speed checkers.

Argh, okay.

Let's play another one, okay?

- Sam, you've lost
four in a row.

You're lousy at this.

- But I let you win.

I mean, that's the least
I could do,

you gave me
that wonderful postcard.

- Great, there's nothing
I enjoy more

than a--than a good thrown
game o-of checkers.

- Is my new friend
getting mad at me?

- No, but my--my book
is--is waiting for me

and I--I really
should get quacking.

[LAUGHS]

- It wasn't funny
the first time, Dick.

- Well, why would anyone
want to play

with a sad sack anyway?

- You know,
i-it's funny but,

you don't hear the expression
sad sack for like, 25 years

and then you hear it
twice in the same day.

- Sort of like
your quacking joke.

- Thank you, Stephanie.

Oh, J-Joanna would you
like t-to play some checkers?

- No.
I don't play with women.

They cheat, every one of them.

- Sure, I'd love to play a game.

- Well, uh, you can't.

Y-You'll cheat.
Every damn one of ya.

- Welcome to the Stratford,
enjoy your stay.

- What could be greater,
my girlie's a greeter.

- Michael, I was so
caught up in my work,

I didn't notice you.

- Gadzooks,
you're still on the clock?

My Cuppers runneth overtime.

- Oh, Michael, I'm exhausted.

I just want to go home,
put my feet up on the sofa

and read some magazines.

Joanna's been running me ragged.

- My god.

Is there no charity under
that big furry sweater?

- Why do I bother
to come into the lobby?

- Well, this family man
is famished.

What say you,
me, and the babe

blow this berg for a burger?

- Okay.
Let's get snackin'.

[LAUGHS]

- Oh, G-George, I'd like you to
meet, uh, Sam Leary.

This is, uh, George Utley,
our handyman.

- So, you're the guy Dick gave
the covered bridge postcard to.

He gave me a tape dispenser.

- Well, I'd rather
have my postcard.

- Me too.

- Okay, the winner goes first.

- I-I've got a good
five or six hours of work

ahead of me tonight.

- All right,
I'll just sit here

and, you know,
keep myself entertained.

- You're, uh, checking out
tomorrow, right?

- Afraid so.

- Okay, play it again, Sam.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Say, if I weren't
your employee,

I'd fire you, it's almost 9.

- I was up half the night
playing checkers with Sam.

You know, you meet up
with a guy like that,

it's hard to blame Margaret.

And Mel and the kids,
for that matter.

- I hear ya.

I don't know what the hell
you're talking about,

but I hear ya.

STEPHANIE:
Welcome to the Stratford,

enjoy your stay.

JOANNA: It's me, Stephanie.

STEPHANIE:
Oh! In that case, never mind.

- Dick, guess what?

I just sold the house next door
and made a huge commission.

- Oh, that's great, honey.

STEPHANIE:
Welcome to the Stratford,

enjoy your stay.

SAM: I'm not a guest anymore,
Stephanie,

I bought the house next door.

Hi, neighbor!

[TYPEWRITER CLICKS]

- Chapter 12.

"Planning a decoy
takes time and patience

"so you better get quacking."

I can't start off every chapter
with the same joke.

- Dick, you miserable turncoat.

- Whatever you say, Michael.

- From my mouth, I'm frothing.

- See a vet.

Michael, I'm busy.

- Well, let's not
beat around the bush.

The word on the street,
the buzz on the boulevard,

the talk on the turnpike

is that Sam's
your new best friend.

- Well, the street,
the boulevard

and the turnpike
are lying, Michael.

- You mean,
I'm still your primo amigo?

- I don't have a primo amigo.

- Of course, you do.
C'est moi, c'est moi .

'Tis I!

You remember the time
I had no place to stay,

you let me sleep here for free?

- I never thought you'd pay.

- See, only a best friend
would know that.

- We rushed over as soon as we
heard the word on the street.

It's just too awful.

- Appreciate the sympathy,
seniors.

Losing Dicklet
as my best friend

has been a big blow
to this little Joe.

- Your best friend?

Dick's my best friend.

- Your best friend?

He's my best friend.

- Everybody in town knows

that you're each other's
best friend.

- Just because we've seen each
other every day of our lives

since kindergarten?

- Well, it's just a friendship
of convenience.

- This is the blackest day
of my life.

- Don't tell me.
My best friend, Mr. Rusnak.

- I trusted you
and you threw me over

for some fresh-faced sad sack.

At least that's the word
on the street.

- M-Mr. Rusnak,
I am not your best friend.

As a matter of fact,

I-I don't even know
your--your first name.

- It's Art.
- Art.

- Say it like you mean it.

- Art!
- Feels good, huh?

- Bottom line, Dick,

what's Sammy got
that we got not?

- Other than
that stunning postcard?

- Look, for the hundredth time,
Sam is not my best friend.

Now get out of here,
I got work to do.

- Hi guys.

Hi buddy, it's picnic time.

- Oh, this explains
the sudden send-off.

- Sam, what are you doing here?

- You know very well
what he's doing here.

- Tell me, how can you
mend a broken heart?

- Not even the Bee Gees
figured that one out.

- Do you like pastrami?

- My best friend would know
if I liked pastrami.

- Well, I bet my best friend
likes pimento loaf.

- L-Look, Sam,
I-I am not your best friend.

I-i don't have a best friend.

And even if I did,
h-he'd never be so...so...

- Tall?
- Overbearing.

- You think I'm overbearing?

- Yes.

- Okay.

Okay, right, right.

I get ya.
I can take a hint.

- Good.

- You think I'm overbearing?

I'm overbearing?

I mean, I shared my deepest
darkest secrets with you!

- I-I didn't want to know about
Margaret's early days

as a contortionist.

- Well, I thought
you wanted to know

how I ruptured my groin.

Here, I think this postcard
belongs to you.

I'm just glad I didn't have
it laminated on my lunchbox.

- Chapter 12.

"How to Laminate Postcards
On Your Duck Decoy."

- Joanna.

We have to talk.

This greeter job
isn't fulfilling me.

My talents are being wasted.

- Finished all the magazines,
huh?

- Yeah.

- Joanna, would you toast this
pimento loaf sandwich for me?

- I'll do it.

- You're giving up
on your greeting job?

- It wasn't fulfilling me.

It was a waste of my talents.

- Finished
all the magazines, huh?

- Yeah.

- Out, woman.

We've got business to
discuss with your husband.

Manly business.

- Okay, that's it.

I am never coming
into this lobby again.

- Now what?

- Word on the street is you
dumped your best friend, Sam,

because he's overbearing.

- Wh-Where is this street
you're always talking about?

- Actually,
it's your front porch.

You can hear everything
out there.

- Since when did you start
liking

toasted pimento loaf sandwiches?

- We had you pegged
a pastrami man.

- Well, you're wrong.
Now go.

- Not so fast.

You still haven't filled
that recently vacated

best friend slot.

Line up, men.

- Okay, Dick, take your pick.

- This is idiotic.

- Dick's right.
A line won't work.

Let's form a circle.

Then Dick can close his eyes,
spin around and point.

- Spin around and point?

I-I could wind up
with that--that armchair

or--or worse--worse yet,
Mr. Rusnak.

Look.

A friendship has to be...

has to be developed and nurtured
and it has to be mutual.

I mean, y-you can't pick
your best friend out of a hat.

- Why not?

- Because we don't have a hat.

- Would a cap do?

- Well, it's a little
avant-garde for this town.

- Oh, what the hell,
Chester, it's the '90s.

- Dick, can I have
my picnic basket back?

It's been in the family
for years.

Thank you.

- Gee, Sam doesn't seem
overbearing at all.

- In fact,
he seems rather pleasant.

- And well-groomed, too.

Check out the shine
on those Florsheims.

- He'd make
the ultimate dream friend.

- Well, thank you very much.

Thank you.
I've got to go.

I'm having some builders
come over

to give me an estimate
on the moat.

- Since you were
Dick's last best friend,

you should pick out
his next best friend.

- Don't I have
any choice in this?

- ALL: No.

- Look, I'll pick,
but why would you

want him for a best friend?

I mean,
there's no pleasing this guy.

- Come to think of it,
Dick is a rather...

crotchety old thing.

- Not much
in the personality department.

- So true,
and all he does is whine.

- He's not much fun
to be around,

except when he tells
that quacking joke.

[MURMURING IN AGREEMENT]

- But it's hardly enough
to build a friendship on.

- Too bad we can't be
our own best friends.

- By George,
George, you've got it!

We'll just bob for names

and be each other's
cherished chums.

- Hey, can I play?
My last chum was a real dud.

- Okay, Sam's in.

That makes it an even six.

- I wonder what I could get
for this place.

- Jim.

Well, I guess
I'm my own best friend.

- Chester.

Not a bad choice.

- Hey, I got me, babe!

- I got Mr. Rusnak.

- Bummer.

- Was.

Whoops.

Sam.

- I wonder who I'll get.

- It's anybody's guess, George.

- George.

Oh, that's me.

- Well,
I think it's safe to say

that you all
deserve yourselves.

- Well, I think I'll take
my best friend out to dinner.

- Oh, can me
and my best friend tag along?

- Sure.
- Hey, how about the two of us?

- Me and me could use a bite.

- Yeah, we're starved.

- Us, too. I hope
we can get a table for 12.

- Oh, Dick?

The guys on the street
would like to know

if you'd like to tag along?

You know, I mean,
find an extra chair.

- No, uh, 13 at a table
is--is bad luck.

- Right.

Can I have my postcard back?

- No.
- See ya.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.