All language subtitles for Newhart_S08E13

[♪♪♪]

- Now this lovely home
has three spacious bedrooms,

a country kitchen,

and a terrace
overlooking the 18th fairway

at Johnnycake Country Club;

and it's been reduced
to $199,500.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hi, you're on the air
with Joanna Loudon.

WOMAN:
Hello, Joanna.

That dress looks darling on you.

What shoes are you
wearing with it?

- Uh, heels.

Did you have a question
about the house?

WOMAN:
What house is that, dear?

- Thank you for calling.

[PHONE RINGS]

You're on the air
with Joanna Loudon.

WOMAN:
Are you wearing flats?

- I just told the other caller
I'm wearing heels.

WOMAN:
With those earrings?

Are you crazy?

- We'll be right back
after this message.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK MELODY]
- And we're out.

- So, uh, those--those shoes
are called heels, huh?

- I've been hosting this show
for eight months,

and nobody seems to understand
that I'm selling houses.

- Well, maybe now is a good time
to remind the viewers

what--what the concept is.

- You could start by
refreshing my memory.

- It's a real estate program.

- It's not a fashion show?

You're not a model?

- Bud, don't be silly.

J-Joanna's not young enough...

to be old enough to be a model.

- Back in five,
four, three, two...

- [SIGHS] Welcome back to
Your House is My House.

Note the name of my show.

It's not Your Shoes
Are My Shoes.

No, no, no.

I show houses
and you can buy them.

Simple enough, isn't it?

[PHONE RINGS]

You're on the air
with Joanna Loudon.

MAN: Yeah, thanks for
reminding me and the wife

about what your show's
about and everything,

I got a question.

- Go ahead.

MAN: How do you keep them teeth
of yours so damn white?

[BABY CRIES]

- Oh yes, you are.

Oh yes, you are.

[BABY GIGGLES]

Oh yes, you are.

- Baby Stephanie is getting more
and more beautiful every day.

- And?

- Oh, right. Momma Stephanie is
getting more and more beautiful

every day too.

- Oh, stop it, George,
you're embarrassing me.

- Boy,
it's sure going to be confusing

having two Stephanies
around here.

- Why, G-guy?

- Well, let's say five years
from now,

I get my head
stuck in the banister

and I call out,
"Help me, Stephanie!"

Which one of you
will come running?

- Oh, that's easy.
Michael would.

- I guess I was
worried for nothing.

- Bye-bye,
pretty little Stephie.

- Bye, George.

- Oh yes, you are.

Oh yes, you are.
- [BABY GIGGLES]

- Hey, feast your peepers,
innkeepers.

- Oh, honey, we're invited to
the official viewing

of baby Stephanie.

- We felt the town
should be allowed to pay homage

to our creation.

- Wait a minute,
you invited the whole town here?

- Well, we thought
about having it at our place,

but you know what a mess
these townspeople make.

- But, don't you think
it would have been a good idea

to ask our permission first?

- Well,
what would you have said?

- Absolutely not.

- Well, then it wouldn't
have been a good idea,

would it, Dick?

- I--I suppose not.

- Now run along
and put one of those flyers

under every windshield wiper
in town.

- Righty-o.

- And, you know, don't limit
yourself to the town.

Flag down cars
on--on the interstate.

- Adios, all.

Sayonara, little Stephie-san.

[BABY CRIES]

Golly wompers,
every time I speak to her

it's howl-o-rama.

- Well,
maybe she's having trouble

understanding whatever
language it is that you speak.

- Could be, could be.

From now on, I speak plain.

Goodbye, everybody.

Goodbye, young girl.

[BABY CRIES]

Is there some
tragic flaw in this novice Pa?

- Joanna,
your show was on today.

- Did you watch it?

- No, but whenever
you wear those silly heels

with those ridiculous earrings,

I always know
something's up.

- Does everyone
in this town

think my show
is about my wardrobe?

- Heck, it's
about a lot more than that.

It's about your makeup,
your hairdo.

- Nobody takes
what I do seriously.

- Well, honey,
maybe you know,

they're just blinded
by your beauty.

I mean, a lot of people
watch my show just because,

you know, they--they think
I'm a stud.

- Hello.

- Hey.

I know you.

You're Joanna Loudon from TV.

Only here you're almost real.

- Does my blusher
look as natural in person

as it does on my beauty show?

- You have two shows?

I only watch
the real estate one.

- Oh, well d-do yourself a favor
a-and catch the beauty show...

it's excellent, just--just
excellent.

- I will.

In the meantime,
I'm in the market for a house

and that three-bedroom Tudor
you showed sure was cool.

[GIGGLES]

- Well, would you
like to see it right now?

It's even cooler on the inside.

- Neat!

- Well,
I'm glad you got our flyer

but I'm not sure
I want a busload of nuns

on some spiritual quest
coming to my baby's viewing.

An offering?

Well how much are we talking?

[SCOFFS] Oh, don't plead
poverty with me, sister.

- Some nuns, huh?

- Yeah, just the take
from one bingo game

would qualify them as sponsors.

- Sponsors?

- Yeah, a gift up to $20
makes you a sponsor of the baby.

And $20 to $50
makes you a patron.

And anything over $50,
you're an angel.

- And what benefit is there in
becoming, you know, an angel,

aside from th-the obvious perk
of eternal life in heaven?

- You get to hold
little Stephie.

Patrons can only look at her.

- So, what do sponsors
get to do?

Press their noses up
against the windows?

[LAUGHS]

Sponsors get to press their
noses up against...

- But of course, you and Joanna
will want to be angels.

- Well, since we gave you
the carriage house rent-free,

out back, w-we thought that
maybe we already were angels.

If--if not demigods.

- Well, houses are not part
of our registered gift list.

We have you and Joanna
down for a big screen TV.

- Oh, a-and maybe a-a big
satellite dish to go with it?

- Too unsightly.

A little dish would do.

- So, how--how was
house-hunting?

- Nifty!
Especially the Tudor.

From the powder room,

you get this amazing view
of the whole town.

The graveyard,
the sewage plant, the dump.

- I-I bet on a clear day

you can see all--all the way
to the slaughterhouse.

- I hope, I hope, I hope.

- You're buying a house?

Well, hold off
on the down payment

until you read this.

- Wow, a baby viewing.

Is this your baby?

- Yeah.

And that little look
just cost you $20 to $50.

- Worth every penny.

- Well, thanks, you're an angel.

Well, a patron.

- Uh, Dave.

You know, if you like the Tudor,
should we write up an offer?

- No,
it had a flagstone walkway.

- So?

- Joanna, everybody knows
that walking on flagstone

causes memory loss
in laboratory rats.

- Dave, you could have
the flagstones ripped out.

- Yeah, but I'd always know
they'd been there.

- Not--not if you walked on it
a lot.

- What about the Victorian
on Manor Circle?

- It had smoke detectors.

- Yeah, you finally get
your house to go up in flames

and then--then the darn buzzers
start going off.

- I think we should
keep looking.

How many houses
are for sale in this county?

- Maybe a thousand?

- Oooh.

Better get cracking.

Race you to the station wagon.

Ready? Go!

- Dick, what should I do?

- Honey, you know, if--
if you hurdle the front hedge

you could still beat him.

Hustle, hustle!

[BABY GIGGLES]

- Okay, your $20 are up.

Dick, are you trying to
sneak a look at our baby

without giving her
a present first?

- Boy, that punch
sure looks inviting, doesn't it?

- Keep an eye on that one,
he's wily.

- Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl.

And this is my other brother,
Darryl.

- I'm not going to look,
will you get away from me?

- We're here to view
Miss Stephanie's

cherished offspring,
Miss Stephanie.

Huh?

Darryl feels it must be
mind-boggling to have

two family members
with the same name.

- Aren't you guys
kind of in--in the same boat?

- I don't think so.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl.

And this is my other brother,
Darryl.

Nope,
no Stephanies in our family.

- Oooooh.
[RATTLING IN BOX]

A Tiffany rattle.

- Darryl cautions you
to proceed carefully.

The rattle is still attached
to its original owner.

[BOX RATTLES]

- Oh yeah, that must be from

Tiffany's new
reptile department.

- Eek!

- Sir George,
would you take this outside

to that other gift table?

You know,
the one behind the garage.

- You mean the garbage can?

Oh, that gift table.

- Since Darryl here
hunted for the gift,

he should have the honor
of holding baby Stephie.

- Well, I don't know
if your gift was worth $50.

- The defanging and Darryl's
anti-venom shot cost $80.

- Okay, you're allowed
to lift our lassie, laddie.

[BABY CRIES]

[BABY STOPS CRYING]

Well, obviously,
you're no novice to neonatal.

- Darryl's never cuddled
a sweet young thing before.

Unless you count Darryl.

- Show us the way to the baby!

- You can't miss her.

She's the only one
in the room who's drooling.

Except for Thor here.

- Put me down as patron.

Three general admission tickets

to the big carnival
in Toyville.

They got a Canadian goose
that mambos.

- Well,
if you're good for a goose,

we're good for a gander.

- And Jim sprung for
the bus tickets to Toyville.

- No.
Changed my mind.

- Three tickets
to the Moscow circus.

- At world-famous
Radio City Music Hall.

They've got a Soviet bear
that cha-chas.

- Jim Dixon, we agreed
the best we could afford

was patron category.

You made me pinky swear.

- I-In this state, pinky
swearing is legally binding.

R-Right, Thor?

- I didn't want to come off
an old tightwad,

like some people.

- It's not my fault
my electric bill is sky high.

- Well, it's no wonder.

You keep the heat on
day in and day out.

It's like a darn oven
in your house.

- Please stop arguing.

Or I'll have to deduct seconds
from your baby-holding time.

- Brace yourself for a
blast of bawling, boyskie.

[BABY COOS SOFTLY]

- Aw, she's purring.

- Dickums, my babe in arms goes
goo-goo for the guests,

but poo-poos her own Papa.

- Michael and Stephanie
are frantic.

They've unwrapped
all their gifts

and they can't find
your TV or satellite dish.

- I didn't buy them, George.

- You looked at baby Stephanie
without paying?

What's happening to you, Dick?

- I'm a cheap piece of dirt,
George.

- I showed Dave
another 20 houses.

He found something wrong
with every single one of them.

Wait till you hear this.

- First time--
- No time, no time.

I've got to buy a big screen.

- It was this
old colonial on Maskell Road.

He said the doorbell
sounded insincere.

I'm giving up.

I mean, I'm not supposed
to sell real estate.

Obviously, I should
change my name to Jolene

and open up a beauty parlor.

- Well, Jolene, before you quit,
you should go to his house.

- And beat him to a pulp?

- Well, you could.

But you could also
get an idea

of the kind of house
he'd like

by seeing where he lives now.

It's like
when I had to replace the legs

on the dining room table.

I couldn't figure
which kind to use.

So, flashlight in my mouth,

I crawled underneath
to have a look.

- And that helped?

- No, but I found a quarter
in Dick's cuff.

- Well, I couldn't
go over there now anyway,

Dick just took the car.

- I could
drive you in my pickup.

- Oh, George, let's go.

- And on the way,

I'll tell you about the time
I found a penny

in Dick's loafer.

See, I had to replace a leg
on your bed so,

flashlight in my mouth,

I crawled underneath
to have a look...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Dave?

It's Joanna.

DAVE:
Oh, hi, Joanna. How you doing?

- Fine.

I brought our handyman,
George Utley, over with me.

DAVE:
Nice to meet you, George.

- Nice to meet you, Dave.

DAVE: Thanks for stopping by.

- Anytime.

- Dave, we came over
to see your house.

DAVE: Hope you liked it.

- We sure did.

- Dave, I'd like to see
the inside of your house

so I have an idea
what you're looking for.

DAVE: Oh.
No, Joanna, you can't come in.

I'm not wearing...socks.

- I promise I won't look
at you from the neck down.

[SHOES TAPPING ON FLOOR]

DAVE:
So, uh,

anybody care for a soft drink?

GEORGE:
You got any Tom Collins mix?

DAVE:
Finished it off at breakfast.

I got no-salt seltzer.

GEORGE:
No, I'm having that for dinner.

Got anything else?

DAVE: How about soup?

I got tomato,
cream of mushroom--

JOANNA: Dave, Dave.

Could you turn on the lights?

DAVE: I knew you'd ask that.

- Dave.

This room is...

a little...

bizarro.

- It's no more bizarro than
my shrine to Lee Meriwether.

But your space flows better.

- At least now I know
what you like.

- Yeah.

You.

Wasn't it neat spending
all those afternoons

driving around together?

- Yeah, neat.

You never wanted to buy
a house, did you, Dave?

- Oh, sure I did!

I loved the one
with the flagstone walkway.

- You said you hated flagstone.

- Wow, an entire bedroom set
made out of flagstone.

Aren't you afraid that canopy
is going to fall on your head?

- Dave, can you afford a house?

- Well, that depends.

Um.

[DROPS CHANGE INTO PIGGY BANK]
Is $240,000 enough?

- You have $240,000 in my head?

- It's amazing how much money
you can save

by not keeping the heat on
day in, day out.

- You saved that money
just by conserving energy?

- Yeah.

Also, my aunt left me
$239,500 in her will.

- You know, Dave...

I know sometimes when a young
man meets someone

who is kind of
well-known and glamorous,

it's easy to be dazzled.

But there comes a time
when you have to let go.

- Okay.

- I mean there's a grieving
process that we all go through

when the beautiful
love object of our dreams

slips out of reach.

- I've already let you go,
Joanna.

Boy, you're really a little
stuck on yourself, aren't you?

I get these crushes
every couple of weeks.

Lately I've been getting tingly
feelings about Sally Struthers.

- Well, now that you're moving
on to Miss Struthers,

do you want me to take
that mannequin off your hands?

- You really
want a mannequin of me?

- Boy,
you are stuck on yourself.

I'm going to glue
Lee Meriwether's picture

over your face.

At least she's not an egomaniac.

- Thanks for
Stephie-sitting, sir.

- Michael,
have you and big Stephanie

finished inventory?

- Yeah, the total tally
is five angels, 22 sponsors,

16 patrons
and one cheap piece of dirt.

- That's
Mr. Cheap Piece of Dirt to you.

[BABY CRIES]

- Oh, please
wall up that wailing.

If you dry your ducts,
darling,

Daddy will buy you
a Bill Blass baby blankie.

[BABY STOPS CRYING]

Gadzooks,
all I have to do is bribe her

like I do her namesake.

Hush hush, sweet Stephette.

There's a pair of itty-bitty
Dijean booties in it for you.

[BABY GIGGLES]

Oh, Dickie,
my little bundle can be bought.

- Honey, guess what?

I sold Dave a house!

- And all along I thought
you became a real estate agent

just to see your name
on bus benches.

- So, I guess
I'm not just a fashion plate

with a fabulous face
and figure after all.

- No, but you're becoming
one heck of an egomaniac.

Honey, congratulations.

- Thanks.

- Neat, huh?

Dave sold me this cool
Joanna-quin for $30 bucks.

- Highway robbery, George.

I could've sold you
the original for $25.

[♪♪♪]

- Miaow.