All language subtitles for Newhart_S08E04

[♪♪♪]

- How is everything?
- Mmmm.

- Perfect.
- Good.

- I mean, if I had to
come up with one complaint,

it would be that--
that my coffee is not...

quite hot enough, but, uh....

You know, I can't--
I can't imagine a situation...

you know, where I would have to
come up with a complaint.

[JOANNA SIGHS]

- And is our real maid,
Stephanie,

doing in Newport?

- The Vanderkellens
are pampering

my preggo partner to death.

She's not sure she can survive
another three-day facial.

- Well, she got through
the all-day cuticle soak.

She can get through this.

- Morning, gang.

- Oh, hi, Paul.
- Hi, Paul.

- Please feel free
to sit in my seat.

- Oh, thanks.

Could you heat this up?

- That's what I pay me for.

- Dick, I came up
with a great title

or your Vermont Today special.

Hidden Shame:
The Silent Burden.

- You lined up any guests?

- Too busy working on the title.

[MICHAEL SNORTS]

What's with the snort, Harris?

- Well, it's just that
when I was a VIP at PIV,

I was on top of things.

But then, I was
a professional producer,

not some stage-manager-
slash-donut-wrangler

who just happened to kiss up
to the right head cheese.

- I bet your professionalism
comes in real handy

now that you're a bag boy.
[SNICKERS]

- Boys, boys.

A-Are you saying that we aren't
going to have any guests?

- Dick,
it's not easy finding people

who will talk about
their shameful secrets.

Especially in a town where
no one's done anything shameful.

[MICHAEL SNORTS]

- Well, I-I have to agree
with Michael's snort.

I mean, with-without guests,
you know,

the show is going to--to be
lacking a-a certain something.

- Dick, don't worry,
you'll have your guests.

We're offering an incentive.

Anyone appearing
on Vermont Today

gets a free weekend
at the Stratford.

- Oh, goody, more work for me.

- Morning.
- Morning, George.

- Oh, hi, Paul.
- Oh, hi, George.

Here, take my seat,
I kept it warm for you.

- Oh, you sure did.

- See you Sunday, Dick.
Bye, Joanna.

Hey, Mikey?
"Cleanup on aisle six!"

- Joanna,
could you heat this up?

- Why didn't you just
get Paul to sit on it?

- Well, Dicksters, don't worry
about your special on Sunday,

I'm sure Paulie'll find you
gobs of guests.

[MICHAEL SNORTS]

- You never told me you were
doing a special Vermont Today .

Sometimes I don't feel like
I'm part of your life anymore.

- Well, it isn't
much of a special, George.

The guests,
if--if there are any,

are going to talk about
a hidden shame in their lives

and then, uh, spend a weekend
at the Stratford.

- What a weird concept
for a show.

Dick, would taking someone's car
and driving it into a swamp

be considered a hidden shame?

- Well, unless you're one of
the Dukes of Hazzard, yes.

W-Why, George?

- No reason.
Oh, God.

- George, i-if you're holding
something in, t-tell me.

- Okay,
but you can't tell anyone.

Not even Joanna.

Not even
in the throes of passion.

- George, I-I don't talk about
you in the throes of passion.

- Well, my hidden shame
happened over 40 years ago.

There was this street gang
I wanted to join.

Well, actually
it wasn't a street gang,

because the streets
hadn't been paved yet.

It was more of
a dirt road gang.

To pass my initiation,
I had to sneak into a car,

turn up the radio real loud,
then run like the dickens.

- Tough gang.

- Anyway, I found a car
with the keys inside

and started it up
so I could turn on the radio.

But there was a problem.

The car was in gear.

- Whoops!

- That's what I said

just before the car plunged
into Johnnycake Swamp.

- Would you like to go
on my show

and--and tell your secret
to the public?

- No, no.

This whole town thinks of me
as little Mr. Goody Two-Shoes.

I'd hate to lose that image.

- Well, we could hide you behind
the screen and alter your voice.

- Like you did with that guy
that squealed on the Mob?

- Tommy Azari?
- Is that who that was?

- No!

- Okay, you talked me into it.

I'll do it.
- Great.

- What kind of curtain
will I be hiding behind?

Do you have anything in
a red and white checkerboard

with an inch-wide gold border?

- No, it's just
a plain old curtain.

- All right.

- "Heat it up, Joanna."

"Heat it up, Joanna."

How does Stephanie
take this crap?

- And now it's
a special Vermont Today,

starring Dick Loudon.

- Hello, and welcome
to a special Vermont Today

we're calling Hidden Shame:
The Silent Burden .

Our guests will be talking
about the years spent

living with shameful secrets

and the joy they felt
when they unburdened themselves.

First up is Bruce Gordon.

Hello, Bruce.
- Hi, Dick.

- It says here you are
a compulsive gambler.

How much would you say
you lost during this period?

- Well, I've estimated it
at around 60,000 matchsticks.

- And of course,
"matchsticks" is a term

hardcore gamblers use
to refer to...

- Matchsticks.

- You didn't...

you didn't use money.

- Well, to buy the matchsticks.

- So, over the years, your habit
must've cost you what?

Fifty bucks?

- Well, not that much, but...

but it doesn't make my tale
any less frightening.

You see, I could never
get my hands on enough matches.

Eventually I started stealing
from my son's matchstick bridge.

I kept praying he wouldn't
notice the bridge getting lower.

And one day,
he looked at me and he said,

"Daddy, why doesn't my bridge
have any clearance?"

[BRUCE SOBS]

- Our next guest is--

[BRUCE SOBS]

is Dorothy Benson.

Mrs. Benson's shame involves...

the hopefully fascinating area
of communications fraud.

- Hello, Dorothy.

- [SQUEAKY VOICE]
Hi, Dick.

- Now, what exactly do you mean
by communications fraud?

- Well, for years, I phoned
my sister in Palm Springs

and never paid for one call.

- And?

- Isn't that enough?

You see, I phoned Emily
person-to-person,

and asked for
someone fictitious.

For instance,
I would tell the operator

I wanted to speak to Apollo,
the god of the sun.

My sister would say, "I'm sorry,
Apollo just stepped out."

That was my way of telling Sis

it was a sunny day
here in Vermont.

- Y-You'd actually ask the
operator for the god of the sun?

- Oh, not always.

Now, I might ask for Neptune,
the sea god,

if I wanted Sis to know
my toilet overflowed.

Or, Hermaphrodite, to say I was
feeling sexually ambiguous.

- Our next guilt-ridden guest,

whose shame is so ugly,
he won't even show his face,

once took a car and drove it
into Johnnycake Swamp.

- Oh!

- Better than matches
and gods, huh?

Hello, vile Mr. X.

Mr. X?

The old man
behind the curtain.

- [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Who, me?

I sound funny. [CHUCKLE]

Hello. Hello.

Hello?

- Bud, Bud, can you
adjust that thing?

It sounds like I'm interviewing
a Saturday morning cartoon.

- Sure thing, Dick.

I had the same problem
with Tommy Azari.

- Okay, Mr. X.

Tell us in your own words,

but not your own voice,
what led to this hidden shame.

- [DEEP CREEPY VOICE]
Well, many years ago,

I wanted to join this gang,
the Vermont Hooligans.

I had to find a car,
turn up the radio real loud,

and run.

Well, I found a car,
but there was one problem.

This car had been left in gear,
so, when I turned the key...

- Uh, Mr. X?

- Yes, Dick?

- [WHISPERING]
That's George Utley.

- Dick.

I-I just want to say congrats.

Nay, super congrats.

George popping his punim
over that curtain

was a brilliant fusion
of tabloid TV [INDISTINCT].

When you see him,
would you give him this?

[CLAPS]

- I talked him out of throwing
rose petals at George's feet.

- There he is, Dick.

- Oh, right.

[CLAPS]

- Thank you very much, Dick.

Well, goodbye, everybody.

- Where are you going?

- My guess is Hollywood called.

What did they sound like,
George?

Young, I bet.

- I don't know what you're
talking about, Michael,

but then, I never do.

- Go west, old man.

La-La Land awaits.

- Well, it's been
nice knowing you.

- G-George, y-you aren't really
going to La-La Land?

- No, but I am going away
to a place

where no one's ever heard
of Vermont Today .

It may mean going over
that hill,

but I'm prepared to do so.

- Oh, George, you can't run away
just because of Dick's show.

I mean, it's not like
anybody watches it.

- Even if no one watched,
word will get out.

By nightfall,
a torch-carrying mob

will run me out of town.

- George, there might be
a few small-minded people

in the town,
but even they'll forgive you

for something
that happened 40 years ago.

- You think?

You're right.
These people are my friends.

Thanks, Joanna,
I guess I'll go unpack.

It's a good thing
I didn't have my mail forwarded

or my features altered.

- Attention.

At ease, Loudon family.

- What's up?

- We're informing everyone about
the special meeting tonight.

We're voting on whether or not
to run George Utley out of town.

- Also, whether or not
we should paint the gazebo.

- This is ridiculous.

- I told you that gazebo
is a touchy subject.

- You aren't--you aren't
really serious

about--about running George
out of town?

- The man committed a crime,

it's our duty
to rid this hamlet of scum.

- I thought you liked George.

- We do.

He's a lovely man.

Being scum doesn't change that.

- Historical footnote:

my father,
Officer Shifflett Senior,

was sheriff of this town

when the case of the DeSoto
in the swamp

with the radio on occurred.

It was the one crime
he couldn't solve.

It eventually killed him.

- Your father's still alive.

- The story has more impact
this way.

His dying wish was for me
to become a peace officer

and crack this case.

Now that it's cracked,

I can become
what I always wanted.

A night manager at Wendy's.

- We should go.

You know how long it takes
to round up a mob.

- And getting it riled
is a chore in itself.

- Now that my secret's out,

I feel like a cloud
has been lifted.

The sky is bluer,
the grass is greener.

Even my laundry looks brighter
and I haven't even done a load.

- Jim and Chester
and Officer Shifflett

were just here.

- I'll go pack my bags again.

- Once again, we'd like to thank
George Utley for his fine work

organizing this year's
Ye Olde Apple Day festival.

Let's hear it for George.

Not so fast, George.

There's still the matter
of running you out of town.

- Oh, I was hoping you'd forget.

- Normally, I might have,

but since Jim gave me
a beautiful Parker pen

for my birthday,

I've been writing
everything down.

- $19.95.

[THE GROUP OOHS]

- Now,
for the reason we're here.

All those in favor of
running George--

- George, George.

- Oh, before you vote,

I'd like to say something
in my behalf.

[THE GROUP MURMURS
DISAPPOINTMENT]

It was Joanna's idea.

The truth is,
I'm guilty as sin.

What I did was wrong.

Just plain misguided
and really, really dumb.

- George, you--you might
want to use the word "but."

- Gotcha.

My butt belongs in this town.

This is my home.

I love this place and think of
all of you as my family.

I'd like to change what I did
but I can't.

I just hope you'll find it
in your hearts to forgive me.

And let me stay here
until I die.

Thank you.

- Okay.

All in favor of running George
out of town, raise your hand.

The citizens
have spoken, George.

You have 24 hours
to get out.

- I say we give him
until high noon tomorrow.

That's the traditional
getting-out-of-town time.

- I thought sundown

was the traditional
getting-out-of-town time.

- No, sundown is when
all the beautiful flowers

close their petals and sleep.

- Someone should install
a stupidity alarm in here.

- Those things
are no good, Dick.

Mine's always going off
for no reason.

- Okay, thank you all
for coming.

And George, thanks again for a
triumphant Ye Olde Apple Day.

- Bye-bye, George.

- We'll miss you.

- Call once in a while, pal.

- But this--this is idiotic.

Nobody wants George
to leave town,

a-and George
doesn't want to leave.

You--You people are
such a-a bunch of hypocrites.

I mean, e-everyone
in this room

h-has done at least
one shameful thing.

- WHOLE GROUP: Not me.

- Haven't you ever heard
the expression

"Let he who is without sin
cast the first stone"?

- As town librarian,

I'm fairly certain
that quote's from the Bible.

- Well, then,
as a God-fearing Presbyterian,

there is something I'm hiding.

It has to do with how Chester
won the last election for mayor.

- Jim Dixon, you said you'd go
to your grave with that secret.

- Well, that was before
Dick made me cave in

with that fire and brimstone
speech.

I don't want to spend eternity
in the hot plate.

- Go ahead, Dixon,
spill your guts.

- Oh dear, oh dear!

- Well, remember how Chester
won with 50 more votes

than there are people
in this town?

Well, that was because
he stuffed the ballot box.

[THE GROUP OOHS IN SHOCK]

- Well, you know how it is
when you're voting.

A few ballots sometimes
stick together.

- Let's run Chester Wanamaker
out of town.

[THE GROUP CHEERS]

- As long as we're being
loose-lipped,

why don't you tell us how
a man who makes $19,000 a year

can own a 12-room beach house
in fabulous Waikiki?

- Let's run Jim Dixon
out of town.

[THE GROUP CHEERS]

- And to really punish him,

let's give his beach house
to me.

- As long as we're
talking about sex.

I confess,
I'm a wanton woman.

It's true.

I've had intimate relations
with several of the married men

in this town,
and I'm prepared to name names.

There doesn't seem to be
a need to name names now.

- Y-You just saw
three people confess.

No, actually, nine people.

Now I want to see the hands
of everyone else in the room

who has a hidden shame.

Wh-What did you do?

- I don't want to talk about it.

It happened days before
I married you.

- Days?

- Dick's right.
We've all done shameful things.

Maybe we should all
be run out of town.

[GROUP CHEERS]

- But not George.

After all, his misdeed
was a youthful prank.

Our sins were much more
heinous and premeditated

and sometimes committed
three times in one night.

- Gee, I never
heard of a whole town

being run out before.

Where would we go?

- I have an idea.

Since we've all done things
to be ashamed of,

couldn't we just stay here?

I mean, this town
is too big for one person

and I'd miss you guys.

- Okay, I move we stay here,
for George's sake.

All in favor.
WHOLE GROUP: Aye.

- Motion is carried.

Town stays where it is.

- Dick, thanks for
defending me like you did.

- George, a lot of this
was--was my fault.

- Hey, you're right.

Then, thank you,
and damn you.

- You're welcome,
and I'm sorry.

- I hope you'll start coming
to the library.

I'd like to take you
into the stacks

and show you a world
you never knew existed.

- Tell me again
why we left New York?

- You thought New Yorkers
were too eccentric?

- Right. Want to move back?

- Oh, I could never show
my face in that city again.

Not after...

- Not after what?

- Oh, nothing.

- Would you feel
more comfortable

talking behind a curtain?

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.