All language subtitles for Newhart_S07E22.eng

[♪♪♪]

- Hi. I'm Larry,
this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother
Darryl.

- Hi, fellows.
What's new?

- It seems a few years back,
we borrowed some sugar from you

and never returned it.

Today, as serendipity
would have it,

Darryl found it
when he inadvertently

reached into the wrong pocket
for his tube of Orajel.

- Guys, why--why don't you
just--just keep the sugar?

Joanna and I recently decided
to become, um, hypoglycemic.

- We felt it was time.

- Well, you know where it is
if you start to get dizzy.

Excuse me,
but I can't help noticing

you pay your own gas bill.

- Of course.
Who else would pay it?

- Johnny Carson pays ours.

- Johnny Carson, th-the one
that hosts The Tonight Show ?

- He has time to do both things.

It only takes a few minutes
to write a check.

- And he does have
his Monday nights off.

- Some-Somehow, I'm skeptical.

- I'll show you the TV Guide .

- No, I-I mean
about Johnny Carson

paying their gas bill.

- I don't think
Dick believes us.

- No, I'm just saying, you know,
it seems farfetched.

You know, maybe
if you had said Jay Leno...

- We've got better things to do
than stand here

and be humored
by an ersatz hypoglycemic.

Come on, Darryl, I guess
there's no point in telling him

who pays our cable bill.

- I bet it's George Maharis.

- Hi, Michael.
How are things at the market?

- Super.

But call me Mikey.

Bag boys' names
have to end in "y" or "ie."

Some union thing.

- I see you're bringing
your work home with you.

- Yeah, it's bread.
It's one of the few

fringe bens of the bag boy biz.

You get all the day-old white
and wheat you want.

And since my crust runneth over,

this bread's for you.

- Thanks, Mikey.

- Hi, Steph.

- Hi, Michael.

This is Todd, a man.

- Stephanie, I don't mind
if you call Todd a man,

Todd a date, unless of course
he's not a date.

In which case, he's wasted
a snootful of good cologne.

- So how--how was your,
uh, date?

- Oh, great.
Just great.

What a great, great date.

- Was it great for you too?

- The greatest.

Todd is such a date.

- You make it easy.

I'll call you tomorrow.

You are great.

- No, you are.

- Great.

- Well, I'm so glad
you two hit it off.

You know, sometimes
when you fix people up,

it doesn't work out and--

- The date's done.
Todd's a lerp.

- You wonder
why you even bothered.

What's wrong with him?

- He hasn't the vaguest idea
how to treat a woman.

He only told me I looked
ravishing four times.

- The swine.

Perhaps as a fetus
he didn't get enough oxygen.

- I mean, this dress alone
is worth going on and on about.

And then he took me
to some stupid boring play,

The Taming of the --
something.

- Shrew .

- I heard that, Dick.

- Well, Stephanie, if you had
such a miserable time,

why did you let him think
you'd go out with him again?

- I didn't want to destroy him.

And besides, since
this whole thing's your fault,

you'll have to
destroy him for me.

- What?

- Well, that seems fair.

- Boy, there sure are
a lot of losers out there,

and you seem to know them all.

- Brainstorm, Steph,
let Michael find you someone.

- You'd do that for me?

- Who better than I?

We were a cupcake twin pack
for five years.

I've read all your diaries.

- What?

- Did I say I've read them?

Well--hey, ravishing dress.

- Good save.

- Besides, I'd like to think
I'm still your friend.

- Well, I guess
enough time has passed

since we split up
that we could be friends.

And while you're finding
a guy for me,

I'll find a girl for you.

- Fabtastic.

- Now, where will we find
these someones?

- Where else?
The mall.

- Of course.

Let's get started.

Oh, he's cute.

- Steph, bad hair, needs gel.

- You're right.

- How about her?

- Tendency towards weight gain.

I can tell,
even without my calipers.

- What an eye you have.

- Him?

- Doesn't know
the 60s are over.

- Maybe I'm not being
critical enough.

How about that one?

- Now that passerby is possible.

Excuse me, sir?

Could we ask you
a few questions?

- Sure.

- Name?

- Dirk Anderson.

- Occupation?

- Bag boy.

- Ew.

Oh sorry, Michael.

- Dirky?

- Mikey?

- I didn't recognize you without
your day-old birthday cakes.

- I left them in the car.

- Talk shop later.
- Oh, right. Sorry.

Is your adjusted
gross income from line 30

of last year's tax return
above $100,000?

- What are you, stupid?
I've only been bagging

for 12 years.

- Thank you.
Please move on.

- What are these
questions for anyway?

- Well, we're...
testing soft drinks.

- Shouldn't you give me
a soft drink to taste?

- You don't make enough
to taste our soft drinks.

Now, please move on.

- See you at worky, Dirky.

Hey, how about her?

- Has possibilities.

Excuse me,
come over here, please.

Name?

- Stacy Willows.

- Favorite magazine?

- National Review .

- I'm not sure what that is,
but I'm still taking points off.

Have you ever sat through
an entire Shakespeare play

without falling asleep?

- How could anyone fall asleep
watching Shakespeare?

- Well, if you have to ask that,
please, move on.

- We have got to talk
to mall security.

They're letting in just about
anything these days.

Name?

- Brett.

- Brett what?

- Brett Shwinkin.

- Thank you, please move on.

- Hold...hold, please.

Steph, we've been here all day.

Maybe we should
lower our standards.

- We're not lowering them
to Shwinkin.

Go, please.

- Excuse me,
but didn't the two of you

once give me
a fashion citation?

- I wouldn't think so.

I don't see
any obvious violations.

- That's because your citation
really had an effect on me.

I was forced to reevaluate
my entire life and color sense.

I am now possibly the best
dressed bag boy in my grocery.

- Bretty?

- Mikey?

- I didn't recognize you without
your ripped sacks of flour.

- They're in the car.

- Well, keep up the good work,
you hear?

- Bye-bye now.
- Later.

- Is it some sort of
bag boy holiday?

- Mall is closing
in five minutes.

- Oh, we can't leave yet.
We haven't found our dates.

- Why don't you go hang out
with the other mall rats

in front of
Mr. Stiffy's motel?

There's a lot of dates
down there.

- You don't understand.

We're doing a scientific survey
to find our spiritual mates.

- And you haven't
interviewed me?

- Name?

- Barber.

Floyd D. Barber.

- Do you net over
$100,000 a year?

- No, but I will soon.

I just finished a screenplay

and people are saying
good things about it.

- Very nice.
Please move on.

- Hey, how about her? She seems
to have date survey potench.

- Sure,
for the plain Jane type.

We better leave
before your eyes go completely.

- Excuse me, miss.

Can we ask you a few questions?

- All right.

- Name?
- Jennifer Allison.

- Sounds like it was
changed from something.

Probably Shwinkin.

- Favorite magazine?

- Oh, either Cosmo or Vogue .

Please don't make me choose
which one.

- Michael,
she's all wrong for you.

She's wishy-washy.

- Hey, are you two
screening for dates?

- How'd you know?

- I do the same thing
all the time.

I haven't had
much luck though.

Of course, I've never
surveyed you before.

[SNORTS]

- How do you feel
about Shakespeare?

- Oh, I love him.

He makes the best pizza
in the mall.

- Steph, wipe off that frown
and cheer up, fabtastic.

This is my dream girl.

- Hi.

I'm Larry,
this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother
Darryl.

And this,
for your inspection,

is five years' worth of
gas bill receipts.

- "Johnny Carson
paid this gas bill."

He wrote this?
- No, I did.

- Well, Larry,
that doesn't prove

that he pays your gas bill.

- I see.

So you're implying
that we'd mess up

a perfectly good gas bill

just to pull off
an elaborate hoax?

We're shocked.

In fact, Darryl can't even
look you in the eye.

It has nothing to do
with that sty of his.

- Dick, I can't help
feeling a little hurt.

- W-Why is that, George?

- Well, Johnny Carson
pays their gas bill.

Who's ever offered
to pay mine?

- George, I-I pay your gas bill.

- And that's the best I can do?

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

- Joanna,
did you dump Todd for me?

- Sort of.

I told him you're off
to Paris for a year

to train for the
Tour de France bicycle race.

- Well, at least you didn't
tell him something silly.

- Joanna, I said dump the guy,
not lie to him.

You can be so mean sometimes.

- Greetings,
innkeep, housekeep.

- Hi, Mikey.

- Stephy,
I just stopped by the mall.

- Did you buy me something?
- Did I buy you some--

Well actually I--
hey, ravishing babushka.

- Another classic save.

- Anyway, I was cruising
by the sporting goods store

to give Jennifer
a morning yoho,

and as luck would have it,
she was just starting her break.

We spent the entire
ten minutes just talking.

- What did you find
to talk about all that time?

- Shoes.

I mean,
I used to sell slingbacks,

sandals and slippers,
while she sells

Reeboks
by the seed store.

- Oh, she's got
a real challenging job.

- And to think
my ex-cupcake brought me

to my cupcake in the baking.

I mean, thanks to you,

we're having a dream date dinner
at Danny's Diner at eight-ish.

Thanks for
the love connection, Steph.

You're the best friend
a guy ever had.

- No, that--that would be
Johnny Carson.

- Now are you ready to order?

- Actually, I'm still
waiting for my gal pal,

but I'm sure
she'll be here soon.

- Probably still trying to pick
out just the right ball gown

to wear to this
elegant ristorante.

- She'll be here, Flo,
all right?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Stephanie?

- Michael.

- What are you doing here?

- Well, I just
suddenly got a craving

for something gray and wet.

Say, weren't you supposed
to meet your dream date

here tonight?

- Yeah, she's a tad tardy.

Maybe there's a traffic tie-up.

- Well, you know
these country roads.

I hear a cow jackknifed
on Harley Memorial Bridge.

Milk everywhere.

Look, I don't want to
cramp your style.

I'll just grab this booth
over here.

- Well, look, as long as
I'm sitting here--

- Okay.

- About time you showed, hon.

- Oh, actually,
this isn't my date.

This is my ex-girlfriend.

- And she knows
about the new one?

- She practically
picked her out for me.

- Only thing I want to pick out
for my ex is a headstone.

- So, is this the kind of
place you eat at these days?

- On special occasions.

Usually I just stay home
and make a nice

day-old bread sandwich
or some day-old bread pudding.

- Well, things are
always a little tough

when you're starting
your life over,

but you have a new job,
new outlook, new haircut.

- And maybe a new girlfriend.

- Yeah.

- You know,
going to that sanitarium

was the best thing
that I ever did.

I mean, I was falling apart,

and they put this Humpty Dumpty
back together again.

Gee, what's keeping Jennifer?
Maybe I should call the store.

- She's not coming.

- She's not?

- Somebody called her
and told her to stay home.

- Who would do a thing
like that?

- Uh, your mother.

- My mother's in Finland
getting a chemical peel.

- Oh, then I guess it was me.

- You blew off my babe?

- I had to, Michael.

Jennifer isn't
good enough for you.

- Oh, really?
And just who are you

to make that decision
for me?

- Your friend.
- Oh, yeah?

Well as your friend,
I say keep your little pert,

little cute, little button nose
out of my business.

- Now you're talking like exes.

- Of course it's my business.

I know you better
than anybody else.

I used to dress you.

- Oh yeah? Well, I found
I could dress myself

the day I dumped you.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, your shoes don't even
match your belt.

- All right, so I make mistakes,
but they're mine.

They're all mine,
and for once,

I don't have you
bossing me around.

- And I don't have you
tugging at my ankles

like some whining puppy
begging me

to tell them what to do.

For once in my life,
I can think about me, me, me.

- Well, that's all you ever
think about is you, you, you.

You are the most self-centered,

egotistical little
Daddy's girl who ever lived.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, you are
the most obnoxious,

immature crybaby
I ever met in my life.

And I hate your haircut.

- Well, then why are you here?

- Because I love you, dammit.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, dammit,
I love you too.

- So what now?

- Please,
if you could just give me

Stephanie's address in Paris.

- I forget.
It's on Rue de something.

- Well, that shouldn't be
too hard to find.

I know how important
cycling is to her,

but I just feel that
she's the one for me,

and I know in my gut
that she feels the same way.

- Hi, everybody.
- Hi, everybody.

- Oh, it's--
Looks like your guts

are playing you for a fool.

- Where are you two going?

- Why, to bed of course.

- May-Maybe we missed a beat
here.

I thought you were just friends.

- Oh, we're not friends anymore.

We're married.

- We just eloped.
Neato, huh?

- Goodnight, Dick.
Goodnight, Joanna.

Goodbye, Todd.

Joanna, could you give us
a wakeup call, say, noon-ish?

- This is the front desk.

It's--it's noon-ish.

Time--time
for your wakeup call.

Steph-Stephanie,
I can't hear you.

Can you stop Michael
from singing "After The Lovin'"?

Fine, I'll call you
around four-ish.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- Hi. I'm Larry,

this is my brother Darryl,

and this is
my other brother Darryl.

And here's Mr. Carson.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- You're--you're--you're
Johnny Carson.

- And you're the yahoo that
called my friend Larry a liar.

- Well, I mean, d-do you
really p-pay their gas bill?

- Hey, Sparky, do I tell you
what to do with your money?

- Easy, Johnny.
He ain't worth it.

Come on, Darryl.
We gotta get Mr. Carson

on that noon-ish shuttle
back to Burbank.

- You know what really
irks me about people like you?

All you ever do
is take, take, take.

Why don't you give
once in a while?

Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap.

Cheap, cheap, cheap.

Cheap.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- It isn't easy being me.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.