All language subtitles for Newhart_S07E16

[♪♪♪]

- Honey, h-how does this sound
for--for my next "how-to" book?

Turning That Old Newspaper Rack
Into a New Magazine Rack.

- Sounds more like
a how-to sentence.

- I-I-I don't know what's wrong.
I guess I'm how-to'd out.

- Well, maybe you should
take a few months off.

- Honey, I-I'm a writer.

I was born with a-a need
to ex-express my thoughts.

I mean, literature
i-is the legacy of my very soul.

- How about writing a novel?

- Too thick.

- Then start small.

Write a thin book.

How about a
how-to book for kids?

- You know, that's--
that's not a bad idea.

Listen to this.

Turning Dad's Old Newspaper Rack

Into a Neat Comic Book Rack.

- Well, maybe with some work.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello, Stratford Inn.

Michael?

W-Where have you been all week?

We've been worried about you.

Very worried.

O-On a scale of one to ten?

A-a-a seven.

No, a seven is good.

M-Michael, wh-where are you?

Who are you visiting
at Ridge Valley Sanitarium?

Y-You're visiting you?

- Are you sure
you don't want some cake?

- George, it may be cake to you,
but to me,

it's a bulge
looking for a thigh to land on.

- O-Okay Michael, we'll see you
l-later this afternoon.

O-of course we missed you.

An eight.

See you later.

- Where is Michael?

Not that I give a flying fud.

- At the Ridge Valley
Sanitarium.

- Ridge Valley?

Oh, that's the "you know what"
farm.

- Gee, I've pushed a man
to the edge before,

but I've never
chucked one over.

I didn't know
I had the power to turn a man

into a raving lunatic.

- Oh, I'm sure
he's not a raving lunatic.

Is he, Dick?

- On a scale of one to ten?

♪ It's perfect
For a fly in honeymoon ♪

♪ They say come fly with me ♪

♪ Come fly with me ♪

♪ Come on fly fly fly
Pack up let's go ♪

- Michael, are you okay?

- You'd be hard pressed to find
any fiddles fitter than I.

Why, why do you ask?

- No reason, just kind of
a wacky thing

to ask somebody
in the sanitarium.

- Last we heard,
you were doing street mime.

- Well, JoJo,
there was this small disturbance

in a restaurant.

Apparently some people
get a tiny bit nervous

around mimes
who scream like banshees.

- Go figure.

- Anyway,
I guess it hit me all once.

I lost my job, my credit,

and the repo squad
took everything

from A to turbo Z.

So when I hit Chapter 11,
I went Section 8.

- How long do you
have to stay here?

- Well, the authorities
gave me a choice:

14 days
either in the lockup

or under
psychiatric observation.

Since I'm not wild about
having a boyfriend named Turk

for two weeks,

I checked in
to Casa de Crackers.

- Oh Michael,
you should have come to us.

- Thanks for the TLC, JL, but
to be honest, I dig these digs.

I get three squares a day,
I'm responsibility free,

and every once in a while,

that guy over there
who thinks he's Sinatra

gets this blonde nurse
to put these go-go boots on

and sing something stupid
with him.

- Is she working today?

- Michael, you know Stephanie
thinks that she's responsible

for your new digs.

- She's wrong.

The scars are healing
from my Stephectomy.

But enough about me.
Let me show you around.

Ridge Valley isn't much,
but I call it "the home."

- Got a smoke?

- S-Sorry, I don't.

- Dick Loudon?

- Corrine Denby?

- I gave up cigarettes,
you know.

- Y-You just--you just asked me
f-for a smoke.

- It was a joke.

- And a good one.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm v-visiting my f-friend,
M-Michael.

- The mime?

- So how--how are you?

- I'm in a sanitarium, Dick.

I'm peachy keen.

- So what--what--what are you
going to do?

Just kind of take it--take it
easy for a while?

- After I illustrated
that how-to book of yours,

I gave up technical art.

I wanted to create with
my soul instead of a ruler,

show the world
my sensitive side.

- Time for your pill.
- Oh, back off, cookie.

Can't you see I've got company?

But, you know,
then the rejection started

and I took it bad.

It eventually just all got to me
and I...I went psycho.

So I checked into here.

-
How--how long have
you been here?

- A year and a half.

So what are you up to?

- I'm going to write a--going
to write a how-to book for kids.

- You got an illustrator?

- Well...

- Because if you don't,
you could sponsor me to do,

you know, a couple of pictures.

Maybe some of those
furry things that kids like,

the kind that go thunk
when you hit them with your car.

- I-I'm not--I'm not sure
that's a good idea.

- Look, you just tell them,
the white coats,

say that I'm working with you
on a special project.

It would be like therapy for me.

- Well, you know, maybe,
when the time comes.

- Oh, thanks, Dick.

You have really
boosted my spirits.

- Well, take--take--take care.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Dick, you already
missed half the tour.

Tell him who he missed, Joanna.

- Mark Twain.

He's rehearsing his one-man
tribute to Hal Holbrook.

- Guess--guess who I ran into?

Corrine Denby.

- That's who that was.

- Okay Dick, listen, slap your
John Hancock on this baby,

and we're Gone with the Wind .

- Honey, I had a thought.

Instead of writing
a whole new book for kids,

I-I'll adapt one
that I've already written.

Remember
Installation and Care

of Your Low Maintenance
Lawn Sprinkler ?

- That'll be a big request
at story hour.

Dick, why did you
have to bring Corrine here?

The woman has problems.

- What--what are
you talking about?

- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe that loud
anguished wailing

that came from her room
all night.

- J-Joanna, just--just because
we don't wail

doesn't mean we--we should
condemn someone who wails.

B-Besides, i-it kind of blotted
out the sound of fists

banging against the wall.

- Dick, that was the sound of
forehead meeting plaster.

- George, does--does having
Corrine around bother you?

- Not at all.

Except for the wailing
and the pounding,

I wouldn't even know
she was here.

- Dick? Listen, it's still
a little rough around the edges

but give me your honest opinion.

- Oh--oh wow, that--that
that is some sprinkler head.

And it-it-it looks great
right next to that giant daisy.

- No, that's not a daisy, Dick.

That's Wesley Weasel.

- Do you--do you
have anything else?

- Let up, Dick.

I'll do more just as soon as
I get rid of this damn headache.

- Dick, that picture
was horrible.

- Y-You're right.

I-I mean, I can't let her ruin
a potentially great book.

I'll just have to
gently tell her

that I-I can't use her.

- At ease, Loudons.

- Hello, Officer Shifflett.
Official business?

- Just passing by.

Got to check your building
for fire code violations.

- Why?

- Word on the street is
you're housing

one Corrine Denby.

Your classic textbook firebug.

- Firebug?

- It seems the sulfur scratcher
in question

was released into your custody

at approximately 1100 hours
yesterday morning.

- Well, she--she may be
a-a little high strung,

but she's not a firebug.

- For the record,

it seems Ms. Zippo
got a few rejection slips

and took a flying leap
off the deep end

towards Torone Studio.

- Oh my gosh.

- I'm sure she's--you know,
she's fine now.

She's been in the sanitarium
for a-a year and a half.

- Sing me another one.

My brother's
been in for years

and he still thinks
he's Sinatra.

- Can we get her
to check out of here?

- I think Barbara Butane
checked out a long time ago.

We're all adults here.
Let's use big people talk.

Rubbing this chick
the wrong way

is like putting nitro
in a baby's rattle.

Kaboom.

- What do you think
of my latest?

- Well, there-there-there's
Wesley.

I-I don't mean to be picky,

but we seem to be
missing Wesley's head.

- Are all the animals
supposed to have heads?

- Excuse me.

I know you Ridge Valley people
range from a little off

to King of Banana Land.

But I was just wondering

if you were anywhere near
the same degree of craziness

as my ex-boyfriend.

- That would be the mime.

- You see, Dick and Joanna
won't tell me the truth.

How is he?

Does he cry out the name
"Stephanie" in his sleep?

- No.

- Cupcake?

- No.

- Cuppers?

Lambchop?

Wonder Wench?

Dreamsicle?

Mommy?

- Stephanie, why don't we leave
Dick and Corrine alone

so they can talk?

- Corrine, can I--can I--can I
be honest with you?

- Well, of course, Dick.

You're my friend.

I trust you more than
anybody else in the world.

After all, you gave me hope.

- Well, you know, I know--I know
you've had a couple rejections.

- Forty-one.

- Huh?

- Forty-one of those stinking
little sheets of paper.

I'm sorry, Dick.

- Any eights?

- Go fish.

- You know, Terry,
I was noticing all the queens

have little holes
where their eyes should be.

- Yeah? So?

- Well, isn't that
a little...oddball?

- Is it oddball that all four
queens kept staring at me?

Like they were better than me?

They needed to be
taught a lesson, Michael.

- You bet.

- Any sixes?

- This is my first
sanitarium gig.

- How about you?
- Same here.

I was just your average Joe
until she came along.

- You're in here
because of a woman?

Carbon copies-ville.

- She was so beautiful.

We fell in love,
went out for a while, broke up.

- Ditto on that data.

- I didn't take it very well.

- I'm here, buddy.

- Locked her in the trunk
of her car.

Drove to the pier.

Got off on a technicality.

I'll bet you've heard this story
a million times.

- Yeah, if I had a nickel.

- Hello, Michael.
- Stephanie.

- Michael, is that the girl
you broke up with?

So basically,
she's up for grabs?

Keep her busy,
I'll be back in a minute.

- Oh Michael,
what have I done to you?

- I did this to myself,
ex-cupcake.

- Is it because you saw me
having dinner with another man?

- Well,
that was just part of it.

I guess I just,
I needed a good rest.

- Did you have to rest here?

Most of the people I know
rest in Barbados.

- Steph, I'm happy here.

- Happy?

You're wearing paper slippers.

- I'm through crying.

All the tears have been
sucked from my ducts.

- Well, aren't you
a pretty little thing.

Stephanie, is it?

You know when my life began,
Stephanie?

The moment we met.

I looked at you
and felt myself come alive.

Everything about you,
the way you look at me,

staring at me,

like you're better than me,

like you need to be
taught a lesson.

- Whoa, four o'clock,
visiting hours are over.

- Oh my queen,
the plans I've made for us.

The thrills in store.

- But, I don't even know you.

- So that's how it is?

I see.

Tell me, darling.

What kind of car
do you drive?

- What?

- Got a lot of trunk space?

- She doesn't have a car.

She rides a bicycle everywhere.

- Does it have a basket?

- She has to go now.

- You know, my dove,
I could escort you home

if you just sign
a little paper for me.

- I don't think so.

- Well, it was worth a try.

Last week, some bonehead
sprung a firebug.

- Bye, Michael.

I'll come back
and visit you again.

- Oh, I wish you wouldn't.
It's too difficult for me.

And him.

- It was a pleasure, Stephanie.

I'm sure we'll meet again.

- Oh, I doubt it.

And my name
isn't really Stephanie.

It's Joanna.

Joanna Loudon,
and I'm taller than this.

- You have lovely hair, Joanna.

My last girlfriend
had hair just like that.

See?

- Eww!

- Standing guard, George?

- I want to make sure this fire
stays in the fireplace,

if you know what I mean.

- Cranked out
another batch, Dick.

- Oh, boy.

- Say hello to Juanita Weasel.

- I-I-I don't remember W-Wesley
having a girlfriend.

- That's for our next book.

- What--what--what next book?

- I've got enough ideas floating
around up here for 20 books.

You and I are going to make
one hell of a team.

So what do you think?

- It's, uh, it's-it's-it's nice.

- Do you really like it?

- A-Actually, no.
- What?

- I-I don't mean this
in-in-in a bad way,

but there was better stuff

hanging in the trauma section
at Ridge Valley.

I-I thought--I thought you
didn't smoke.

- I don't.

This is my "God don't let me
snap now" pack.

What do you think, sweater girl?

- I like it.

- What?

- Well, it has,
uh, a few problems.

- I see.

What do you think of my work,
tool jockey?

- I'm scared, Dick.

- Steady, George.
Steady.

- Well?

- I...can't...talk.

- Well, you don't have to
hit me over the head.

I mean, I've been on this side
of rejection before.

- Hail Mary full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.

- Oh, so what?
I can deal with it.

If it wasn't for
all that sunshine

that you blew up
my hospital gown,

I would have gone back
to technical drawing

where I belong.

- Well, I'm glad you're finally
being honest with yourself.

- As long as I'm being honest,
I think your book bites it.

- What--what's wrong with my
book?

- "Wesley's eyes grew wide

"at the low voltage shock
he received

"from not properly grounding

the AKV electronic
timing system."

Boy, Dick.

- There's a problem with that?

G-George, you--you
liked it, d-didn't you?

- Don't ask me,
I've got problems of my own.

I promised God
that if I weren't burned alive,

I'd become a priest.

- George, I'm sure
he'll understand if you renege.

- Y-You're both crazy.
The--the kids will eat this up.

- Gee, you sure don't take
rejection very well, Dick.

- This is really good stuff.

"Phew, Wendell,

"we just installed
the entire Aqua Wizard P246

"automatic sprinkling system
with the AKV thermal regulator,

and it meets all state and local
safety specifications."

Ah!

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow!