Original subtitles

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- Look Dick, my business cards finally came.

- You ordered business cards, George?

- Ten thousand of them.

I wanted you and Joanna to have the first two.

- George Utley.

No address? No phone number?

No occupation?

- What's the point? Everybody in town knows

where I live and what I do.

- Well then, then, why do you need a business card, George?

- It impresses the babes, Dick.

- Hello, old man. How have you been?

- Pretty--pretty good, y-young man.

Wh--who--who are you?

- Why, I'm Scooter Drake.

- Who?

- Oh, Scooter Drake.

Stephanie and I met him at a-a snobby party in New York.

Not-not-not that you were that snobby.

- Really? I thought I was perfectly snobby.

Sorry about that.

- Hi, I'm Joanna Loudon, and that's George Utley.

- My card.

- George Utley! Well, if I ever need one,

you can be found here?

- Yep. - Lovely.

Stephy about?

- Stephy, Scooter's here.

Why do I feel like I'm in an Archie comic?

- Scooter Drake, hi.

I thought I smelled old money.

- Try as I may, I can't rid myself of that blasted smell.

I do hope it doesn't offend.

- Well, it was pretty bad when you walked in,

but I-I can--can hardly notice it now.

- So where's your darling little girlfriend, Libby?

Oh, that's right, it's spring, liposuction time.

- I'm afraid Libby's left me for another.

- Another what?

- Another man, George.

- That's not what the gossipmongers are saying.

- Well, what brings you to Vermont?

- Well, since Libby left me, I've been feeling a bit under,

so I thought I'd motor on up here and do some shopping.

That often cheers me.

- Scooter, Vermont is hardly the place to shop.

Unless you're interested in maple candy,

I suggest you try Paris.

- Actually, I've had this urge to buy a quaint New England inn.

- Then--then don't go to Paris.

- What kind of inn are you in the market for?

- Oh dear, is that something I should have thought about?

- W-Well, it took us a year to find the Stratford.

We did research, talked to people,

drove all over.

- Well, I'd like to have mine by nightfall.

- Joanna, you can help Scooter find an inn.

I mean, aren't you, like, in real estate or something?

- So you do pay attention when I talk about my life.

- Sometimes I can't shut it out.

- If you're really interested, I'd love to help.

We could go look at my listings right now.

- Splendid. - Good.

- Come on, Stephanie.

Why, if there's two I like, you can flip the coin.

- Or you can buy both.

- My, you are a help.

- Boy, imagine buying an inn to get over being depressed.

When I'm blue, I rent It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.

- And that--and that cheers you up, George?

- Yeah, for a while.

Then I think about all the actors in the movie

who are dead, and I get blue again.

- Hi. - Oh, hi Michael.

- Shhh, I'm on the lam from my ex-lambchop.

- It's okay, Michael. She's in the dining room.

- Oh, all right, you can say my name.

- I don't think I need to anymore.

- How's the job hunting going?

- I've kind of decided to keep my nose

out of other people's businesses and start one of my own,

one that requires minimal capital

and yet will enable me to afford food again.

Watch.

- You're going to pull taffy?

- Michael, are you saying you're going to be a mime?

- You know what they say. Everybody loves a mime.

- No, everybody loves a clown. People try to run over mimes.

- Well, nobody's going to maim this mime.

- Michael, are you sure this town is ready for a mime?

I don't think they've ever-- they've ever seen one before.

- That's right.

They might mistake you for the village idiot.

He used to pull on invisible taffy too.

- You know, Scooter, we might have better luck

if we see some of these inns in person.

- I agree. I always like to caress the things I buy.

- Well, good.

I'll go call some of the inns and tell them we're coming.

Maybe you can fondle the Henderson place.

- You know, just the thought of buying some place

is lifting my spirits.

- Well, the way I see it,

there are four stages to breaking up.

First denial, then shopping...

then hating the other person's guts so much

you would like to see them fry in the flames of eternal hell...

then more shopping.

I'm at the third stage with Michael.

Would you like some more coffee?

I mean, as grotesque as it all is, I am the maid.

- You shouldn't feel grotesque.

My great-grandfather used to say there's no shame in any job,

as long as you do it well.

It inspired the workers in his sweatshops

to keep plugging away,

until they were old enough to go to school.

- Sounds like he was a great man.

- He was a monster actually,

but an absolute delight at parties.

Listen, I've got an idea.

After I buy my inn, why don't we go out

and celebrate our freedom from Libby and Michael?

What's the best restaurant in town?

- Maison Hubert, but...

I could never go back there again.

That's where I had my last horrible date with Michael

before he dumped me.

Did I mention that I'd like to see him fry in hell?

- I believe you did but you know the old saw,

"When you fall off your polo pony,

remount and use the whip."

- You know what's interesting about dust?

- It-It could be so many things.

- No matter how much you clean, the stuff keeps coming back.

Has it occurred to you that it's supposed to be here

and we're tampering with God's plan?

- Who--who signs your paychecks, him or me?

- Oh, how was inn shopping?

- Scooter didn't like anything he saw.

- The inns we looked at were all so...red.

- Well, couldn't you show him something in a different color?

- Haven't either of you ever heard of paint?

- That would be like buying a sweater in the wrong color

and then dying it.

One certainly wouldn't do that.

- Joanna might.

- I wish you could find me something like this.

- Well, the Stratford is pretty run of the mill

compared to some of the places I've shown you.

- I wouldn't call it run of the mill.

Dusty maybe, but I mean, that's God's doing.

- Everything here is so perfect though,

the fixtures, the fireplace,

even Stephanie posing over there looks absolutely perfect.

- You should see this place

when the morning sun reflects off my hair.

People say it's breathtaking.

- I'll tell you what, I'll give you

a million dollars for it.

- You want-- you want to buy the Stratford

f-for a million dollars?

- Oh, you've got the art of haggling down to a science.

All right, a million three, take it or raise it.

- Wh--uh, what?

- I left myself open for that one.

All right, a million five.

- I know it's a lot of money, but I-I'm not sure

I-I can bring myself to just sell this place.

- If we did, we'd be set for life!

And do you have any idea how much my commission would be?

- Joanna, the--the seller pays the commission.

You'd be paying yourself.

- Who cares?

The important thing is it'll put me

in the million-dollar club at the office.

I'll get a pin.

- Oh, well, let's dump this place

if it--if it means you're getting a pin.

- Hi, everybody. - Oh, hi George.

Listen, we need your advice on something.

Scooter has offered to buy the inn

and we're trying to decide whether or not to--to sell.

- Sell the Stratford? You can't.

The Stratford is like a home to us.

- George, it--it is a home to us.

- Well, my advice is don't sell.

- He's offered us a million five.

- Then my advice is sell.

- You see, Dick, George thinks we should sell.

- George isn't everybody.

- I like to think I am.

Of course, it is ironic.

I live here my whole life

and the day I get my business cards, we move.

- Jo-Joanna, why--why are you so quick to unload this place?

I thought you--you loved it as much as I do.

- I do.

We have seven years of wonderful memories here,

but if somebody is crazy enough to offer us that kind of money,

we ought to be crazy enough to consider it.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

- Hi, I'm Larry,

this is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellows.

- We heard there was a Scooter Drake here.

We grew up with a Scooter Drake and we was wondering

if it was one and the same.

- My guess would be no.

- Does this Scooter Drake have a pineapple birthmark

on his right buttock?

- Pineapple, pineapple, no.

- Listen, fellows, Dick has a question for you.

- Uh-oh, Darryl, pop quiz.

- It's like this.

We've been offered a million five for the inn.

- Dynamite!

- One of us feels that, uh, we should take it.

One of us isn't so sure.

- Darryl wants to know who the jerk is

who isn't so sure.

- I-I don't think any purpose would be served by naming names.

- It's Dick.

- You see, Dick, the fellows think we should sell.

Even they know a million five is a lot of money.

- A million five? We thought you said a million flies.

- Good evening, Hubert.

- Mademoiselle Vanderkellen, I did not think

I would be seeing you again.

s this another loser toujours ?

- Here you go, old French chap.

- That loser remark, Mademoiselle and I,

we make with the petite ha-ha!

Follow me. Laisez vite.

For you, the finest table in the house.

- Oh table, did you miss me as much as I missed you?

- They say sometimes late at night,

she cries out for you.

- Hubert, bring us a bottle of Dom Perignon, please.

- But of course.

Henri, bouteille de Dom Perignon, tout de suite.

- [indistinct].

- This is the way it used to be with Michael,

people scurrying at our commands.

How I miss the simple pleasures of life.

- My apologies for the delay.

- Oh, seven seconds isn't really long.

Now that you've established a time,

you'll have something to beat.

- Would you like to see the menus now?

- Later, Henri.

- Bon!

A toast to Libby and Michael.

May they forever be part of our pasts.

- Good riddance.

- What is that?

- I think it's a mime screaming in the rain.

- Let's applaud. Perhaps he'll go away.

- It worked.

- Well!

What have we here?

So you couldn't wait, could you?

- I thought mimes were supposed to be fairly quiet.

- Run along now, you wet white-faced street performer.

- I know what's going on here, Cuppers.

I'm a mime, not the village idiot.

- Michael. - In black and white.

- This is Michael?

Well, he's not at all as I'd pictured.

How do you do, young mime? Scooter Drake.

- So, I see you found yourself a new boyfriend,

and he's so cute.

- Why, thank you. So sweet of you to notice.

- We're only having dinner. Scooter and I are just friends.

- Oh, sure.

Stephanie and Scooter sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

- I do not like mimes.

You people are the reason I left France.

- I have as much right to be here as anyone else.

Just because I have no money in my hat

is no reason I should be treated like garbage.

And you, you two were out there watching me for 20 minutes

and you didn't give me a damn nickel.

What? Because I'm a mime,

you thought I wouldn't say anything?

- We thought you were the village idiot.

- Well, could the village idiot do this?

- Michael, stop it.

- I can't hear you, Stephanie.

Can't you see, I'm in a box?

- Michael, you're dripping makeup on my purse.

- Oh, sorry, my career is a little messy.

Not all of us have a job where we get to wear--

oh my God, is that a 2,000-dollar suit?

- Well, not counting the trips to Italy for the fittings.

- I want that suit.

- Michael. - I want that suit.

I deserve it. I worked hard.

I did everything right. [CRYING]

And now, I'll never get to have a suit like that.

Never.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

You can have my leotard.

Just let me have the suit.

- [indistinct]

Dispose of this mime.

- You haven't seen the last of Michael Harris.

I'll be back, not as a mime, but as a human mannequin,

or as a dog-faced boy.

[BARKS]

- How did everyone enjoy the show?

[BARKS AND SCREAMS]

- Well, I've called just about everyone I know

an-and they think I should sell.

Well, I'm--I'm not sure I want to.

A-A million five.

I-I have what for brains?

Well, if--if that's how you feel, love--love to Dad.

Bye. Bye.

- What did your mom say?

- Uh, she's, uh, she's on the fence.

- Oh, how was dinner at Maison Hubert?

[SOBBING]

- Did--did she have the clams?

- Actually, we had a rather unpleasant experience

with her estranged beau.

He's an extraordinary mime visually,

don't get me wrong, but he--

well, he tends to undercut his performance

by crying and screaming incessantly.

- That's--that's the worst kind of mime.

- So any decision about selling the inn?

- My--my answer is--is yes.

And no, not--not even my mother has--has influenced me

in this decision whatsoever.

- Marvelous.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Well, old man, I'll have my people call your people.

- I-I-I don't--I don't have any people.

- Why, I thought everybody had people.

Oh well, with the money you make,

you can buy some people.

- Scooter, it's for you.

Libby Heartcourt.

- How did that conniving she-devil track me down?

- You know, Joanna, it just hit me.

We're going to have money. - I know.

If we want it, we can afford a Volvo station wagon.

- A-And I won't have to buy that--that Civil War chess set

one piece at a time.

Oh, what the heck! With a...

with a million and a half dollars,

I can buy every pewter thing the Franklin mint ever made.

- Well, must dash. Libby wants me back

to wrap around her little finger again.

Ah, the simple pleasures of life.

Having a fair-haired maiden by one's side

and 310 million to roll around in.

- Don't you mean 308.5?

- You are still buying the inn?

- Well, I should think not. The witch is back,

so the inn is out.

- Hi.

I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl--

Scooter Drake! - Larry!

Darryl!

Darryl!

- Oh, Dick, Dick, Dick, you should have looked closer

at Scooter's right buttock.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be in Palm Beach for the polo season.

- Normally I would, but I had this urge

to buy a New England inn.

- Uh-oh, Darryl, he's been shopping.

That can only mean that you and Libby

have split up yet again.

- We've reconciled, dear Larry.

- I don't know what I'm going to do with you two.

- Listen, why don't the three of you

motor down with me to the city?

The crowd would love to see you again.

- You know, we haven't been to New York

since the opening of Phantom.

Come on, Darryl, let's go choose to see

who gets to ride in the trunk.

- Than-thank you.

- Well, must scoot. Hence the name.

Do give Steph a bye.

- Wait. How about--how about a million three?

I'll even--I'll even throw in the handyman.

He comes with his own business cards.

- We just lost a million and a half dollars.

- Yeah, but you know, look at it this way.

You know, it's the simple pleasures of life.

A fair-haired maiden by your side and, uh...

...a million flies to roll around in.

[]

- Meow.