All language subtitles for Newhart S05E21

Joanna, this is ridiculous.

You-- you can't still be mad
at me over this.

I can so, and there's no way
you're gonna stop me.

Well, this whole thing was
your own fault.

It was not.

Was, too!

Was not!

Was, too!

Was not! Touch back,
can't take it back.

Joanna, we're two adults
having a disagreement.

Do you think we could solve
this like two adults?

Fine with me.

That's more like it.

Great. No room in my own inn.

He-- hello-- hello, uh, Mr-- Mr.
Henderson.

Dick-- Dick Loudon.

Uh, listen, we're, uh-- we're
full tonight, and-- and I was--

I was wondering if-- if
you had a room.

No, no, it's-- it's not--
it's not for a guest.

It's, uh-- it's-- it's for me.

No, not-- not me and Joanna,
just-- just-- just me.

No, no, it's not what you think.

Ac-- actually, it is what you
think, Mr. Henderson.

Look, I-- I--

I find these things kind of
embarrassing, and--

and I'd appreciate if you could,
you know,

just keep this to-- to yourself.

Well, I-- I-- I know you
wouldn't, Mr. Henderson,

but, uh, your-- you know,

your wife has a bit of a
reputation as--

as well, um, a-- a blabbermouth.

Oh, hel-- hello, Mrs. Henderson.

You know, it's-- it's, uh,
usually,

uh, polite to tell
someone that--

that you're listening on
the extension.

Lis-- uh, listen, uh, do you
have a room for me?

You're-- you're full?

Yes. Yes, I-- I know it's-- it's
uh, a busy time of the year.

Mis-- uh, Mr. Henderson,

uh, couldn't you have told me
that a-- a little earlier?

Good-- good night.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Giggles ]

Did my widdle Steffy-Weffy have
a good time tonight?

She cewtainwy did, my duckie.

[ Both giggle ]

Oh, my God. They're worse
when they're alone.

Dick! What are you doing here?

Spying on us in the dark!

He heard us doing our
cute baby talk!

Trying to get some cheap thrills
from young love, Dick?

No, not, not "weally".

I'm just-- just trying to
get some sleep.

Then, why aren't you up in your
room with Joanna--?

Oh.

So your seniorita gave you

a ticket on the old
adios express, huh?

You wanna talk about it?

No.

Ooh, then, it must be good.

Look, I don't want
to discuss it.

But this is just so upsetting.

I mean, you two are always
the-- the model.

Mr. and Mrs. Apple Pie America.

But if this is it, all I can say
is first thing tomorrow,

withdraw all the joint savings,

find a good mouthpiece, and
come out suing!

Not-- not that that's the way
I would handle it.

Michael, it isn't that serious.

I know! We'll guess
what happened,

and we'll see it in his eyes
when we guess right.

Let's see.

Joanna wanted to change her
hairstyle and you yelled at her.

Joanna asked for some money
to buy a new dress

and you yelled at her.

[ Gasps ] Joanna bought you a
suit you didn't like

and you yelled at her.

Listen, how come I'm--
I'm the heavy?

Well, come on, Dick. Joanna do
something bad to you? Get real.

[ Laugh ]

Look, you're-- you're
not gonna guess,

so just let me get some sleep.

I-- I think I understand.

Oh. Boy, am I tired. I think
I'll go to bed. 'Night.

Nighty-night, Steph.

Okay, Dick, the chick's gone,

now you can spill your guts,
hombre to hombre.

Michael, my guts are gonna stay
where they belong.

Come on, Dick. You can tell me.
Is it a town girl?

Go away, Michael.

Oh, thanks a lot, Dick.

I guess I jettisoned my date
early for nothing.

And I thought I had troubles.

Well, look, Dick. Even though
you won't unVelcro those lips,

I'll show ya what kind
of friend I am.

You can have a bed in
my apartment

instead of this pitiful couch.

Well, anything is
better than this.

Uh, sorry, Dick.

Tonight's kind of impossible
because of short notice.

But it's a firm offer, and if
you decide to take it, just,

you know, call first to make
sure that's convenient.

What a pal.

Oh, it is so beautiful out
there at night.

I don't know why we took so
long to come up here.

Me neither.

[ Sighs ]

[ Gasps ] Who's that?

I don't know. Maybe a vagrant.

I'm not a vagrant. I checked
you in. Dick Loudon.

How come you're
sleeping down here?

Yeah, don't you and your wife
have your own room up--?

Oh.

Got the boot, huh?

Wanna talk about it?

Look, n-- no offense, but--
but I don't know you.

I think you'll find that men are
men all over the world, Dick.

How about if I left, huh?

No, no. That-- that's all right.
Just let me get some sleep.

Certainly. We understand.

[ Sighs ]

You-- you're reading?

Uh-huh.

You know, it's, um,
kind of late.

Probably time to-- to
get some sleep.

We're sort of night people,
Dick.

Couldn't, uh-- couldn't--

couldn't you be night
people in your room?

This is a beautiful inn, Dick,

but our room's rather
small and cramped,

and you get the feeling

that things are closing
in around you.

I-- I can relate to that.

The, uh-- the stars outside
are-- are-- are beautiful.

Seen 'em.

You-- you-- you know what's real
fun is-- is to-- is to count 'em

just-- just to see, you know,

how-- how many you--
you can see.

Two hundred and seventeen, Dick.

You-- you know what else is fun?

Dick, please. We're
trying to read here.

I-- I was wondering if I could,

uh, spend the night here,
George.

Why are you wondering that,
Dick?

Well, you know, we haven't, uh,
seen each other lately.

But why would you just leave
Joanna and co--?

Oh.

But why does every human being
on Earth make the same sound?

You wanna talk about it, Dick?

No!

I'm-- I'm sorry, George,

but I've-- I've been getting a
lot of that lately.

Oh, that's okay, Dick.

I mean, it would be kind
of stupid for me

to give you advice on how to
keep a woman when, well--

So I-- so I can stay?

Of course. Gee, Dick, I--

I can't imagine you and
Joanna apart.

I mean, which one
will get the inn?

Or-- or will you just sell it?

And will the new owners want
me as a handyman?

And will I like them?

George--

My life is falling apart, Dick.

I'm sure J-- Joanna and I will
make up tomorrow.

You'd do that for me?

George, it-- it wasn't
that big a fight.

Oh. [ Sigh of relief ]

Then, it's really great
having you here, Dick.

Uh, what do you wanna do?
Play checkers?

Uh, dominos, cards or just
go a little nuts?

Uh, George, could, you know,
could we--

could we just go to sleep?

Gee, that's what I always do.
But you are the guest.

Which side of the bed
do you want?

Uh, either side is fine.

Well, one side has a lump, but
it is closer to the stove.

Well, which side do you
normally sleep on, George?

Well, I usually start out
near the stove,

but then the lump
starts to bother me,

so I move to the other side.

But then I get cold, so I move
back to the lump side.

I-- I-- I tell you what, George,

why don't I just take
the lump side?

Yeah. It is a cold night.

Okay, then-- then
I'll-- I'll take--

I'll take the cold side, George.

Wow. I've never not been able to
escape the lump before.

I tell-- I tell you what,
George.

Why don't we, uh-- why don't we
flip the mattress over,

and then the-- the lump side
will be on the bottom?

Great idea, Dick. I shoulda had
you sleep over years ago.

Let-- let's do it, George.

Uh, actually, I'd like to sleep
on the lump one more night.

Just for old time's sake.

You-- you got it, big guy.

Good night, Dick.

Good night, George.

Gee, Dick, I can't
help wondering,

what bad thing did you
do to Joanna?

Did you yell at her?

George, we were-- we were both
a little at fault.

Yeah, right, Dick.

Good-- good night, George.

Two by four.

Circular saw.

Ball peen hammer.

[ Clears throat ] Uh, George?

Ball peen hammer.

G-- George?

Hm? Wha-- uh, huh?

Were-- were-- were you sleeping?

Yeah. I thought that's what
we decided to do.

You-- you were-- you were
talking in your sleep, George.

Oh. What was I talking about,
Dick?

Mostly-- mostly handyman stuff,
George.

Yep, that was probably me.

Well, I'm-- I'm sure I'll
get used to it

in a couple of minutes.

Can-- can I stay with
you tonight?

Okay with me. Darryl? Darryl?

Two to one. You're in.

Well, here we are.

It's ni-- it's nice.

I-- I-- I think I'll go home.

Wait. We understand.

We usually avoid showing
this room to people

because of the jealousy and envy
it would no doubt instill.

I-- I know-- I know in my--
in my whole life

I'll-- I'll-- I'll never have
a room like this.

Decoratin' was quite a
challenge with Darryl

being fond of Colonial,

Darryl preferring Art Deco and
me being partial to a big mess.

Uh, uh, seems like a-- a big
mess seems to dominate.

[ Giggles ]

Excuse us, but that was quite
an amusing faux pas.

Huh?

The mat is for wiping your
feet when you leave.

We don't like to track
dirt outside.

I-- I'm such a yokel.

Now, the tough question.

Which one of us do you
get to bunk with?

Colonial? Deco? Mess?

Oh, that's right. We do have
that there fold-up bed.

Why-- why don't-- why don't--
why don't I go with that?

If you don't mind,

we're burnin' with curiosity as
to why you're here.

Miss Joanna out of town
or something?

Uh, no.

But then, why--?

Oh.

Larry, I-- I really don't
wanna talk about it.

Okay.

Though we are wonderin' what
nasty thing you done to her.

All set.

[ Sighs ] Thanks, guys.

Hold it!

What are-- what are--
what are you doing?

Folding you up.

I-- I think-- I think I'll--
I'll sleep flat tonight.

Okay, but in our opinion,

you're ignorin' the best
feature of the bed.

Okay, everybody tucked in?

Lard fight!

Ho-- hold it! Hold it!

Oh, I'm sorry. That was
thoughtless of me.

Darryl, share your lard
with our guest.

No! No. Tha-- thanks.

Gee, you don't seem to be

into any of the traditional
night time rituals.

Well, I'm kind of a weird egg.

I guess we should segue
right into story time.

Uh, guys, can't-- can't we
segue into sleep time?

Well, Darryl's
adrenaline's still pumpin'

from that thwarted lard fight.

You gonna crush their
spirits yet again?

I know-- I know I love
a good story.

Well, we got "The Frog Prince,"
"Rapunzel"

or excerpts from "Freud:
the Puberty Years."

Darryl, we have a guest.

You can't just shove
"The Frog Prince"

down his throat without askin'.

"The-- The Frog--" "The Frog
Prince" is great.

Especially the-- the
condensed versions.

I'll try to just cover the bare
bones of the story.

Once upon a time there was a
very handsome prince

who inadvertently ticked off a
very powerful witch.

In response, the witch hit him
with a major spell,

which turned the prince into a
slimy horny toad,

which seriously inhibited his
ability to get girls.

But there was one
beautiful princess

who didn't think frogs
were so gross.

In fact, she became so attached
to the little slimeball,

that one day she actually bent
down to give him a kiss.

A kiss that would remove
the evil spell

and unite them forever.

But just before her lips made
contact, a 900-pound grizzly

leapt from the woods and
swallowed the frog whole.

The princess managed to escape
with minor cuts and bruises.

The end.

[ Applause ]

Wait. Wait. That-- that-- that
isn't the way it goes.

Well, they've heard it the other
way over 100 times.

Darryl demands new and
surprising story twists.

Well, I-- I know-- I know
that ending will--

will make me sleep better.

Well, now all we have
are our prayers.

We pray that our guest works
things out with his missus

and that he's not a crazed
maniac who will murder us

as we sleep.

Do you sleep with the light on?

Uh, no.

Uh, uh, guys. For, uh-- for
a change, let's--

let's go with the light.

Uh, G-- uh, George? Is--
is Joanna up yet?

I haven't seen her.

Where were you?

I-- I wound up
spending the night

at Larry, Darryl and Darryl's.

Well, thanks a lot.

It's a pretty lousy feeling to
go to sleep with someone

and then wake up alone.

Hi. Look, I-- I'm s-- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too. I overreacted.

So-- so did I.

Well, honey, let's not ever
fight like that again.

I really missed you.

Honey, not-- not as-- not as
much as I-- as I missed you.

Where did you sleep?

It's-- it's-- it's
gonna be years

before I'm able to
talk about it.

Aw. Come here, you. Aw.

Uh, honey, we, uh-- we seem to
be drawing a crowd.

Come-- come on in.

You-- you, too.

So you made up?

Yeah.

Aw.

Well, how did you know we
were fighting?

Dick hates to let people
know those things.

Be-- Believe me, this
time it got out.

But he still wouldn't tell us
what the fight was about.

But now that it's over,
you have to.

Do not.

Please tell us.

Not knowin' has caused some
friction in our own family.

Darryl thinks it was over the
household budget,

but Darryl thinks it
was a town girl.

A-- all right. All right,
already.

I'll-- I'll tell you.

Joanna made some cucumber
soup for dinner,

and I refused to eat it.

Is it just me, or is that
really boring?

I think we've just
experienced an anti-climax.

Wow, got us worried over
nothing. Nice guy, Dick.

O-- o-- over nothing? I-- I-- I
hate cucumber soup.

And I spent the whole day
making it for him.

Knowing how much I
hate cucumbers.

But you never tasted
them in soup.

I don't wanna taste
them in soup.

I-- I want 'em off the
face of the Earth.

I worked all day, he promised
he'd try it, and he didn't.

I didn't promise. Once, a long
time ago, I-- I said

if the-- if the timing were
right, and I was in the mood,

that I might-- I might try soup
with-- with cucumbers in it.

And-- and then-- and then she
springs it on me.

I mean, you-- you could-- you
could see 'em flo--

uh, floating in there.

You could've at least tried it.

I hate them.

Well, see if I ever do
anything for you again.

Over nothing, huh?

Well, when-- when
you two do it--

Come on, Darryl. Let's go
unfold his bed.

Looks like we're gonna have
company for who knows how long.

No!

Honey! Honey, wait!

Meow.