All language subtitles for Newhart S05E15

Grab on to your Samsonites,
everybody.

[ Chuckles ]

Guess where we're all going.

Michael, it's my family.
I get to tell.

You can tell about your family,
if they ever do anything.

Saturday night...

is the birthday of my very
special cousin,

Ned Vanderkellen.

He's celebrating his
100th birthday,

and you're invited to the party.

You never told us you had a
100-year-old relative.

Well, he used to just be 99.

Well, it's-- it's nice you're
throwing a big party for him.

So can we consider
you all RSVP'd?

Of course. They're thrilled.

You're really gonna like
cousin Ned a lot.

I do, and I'm a pretty tough
judge of old people.

I generally don't like to
talk to anyone

whose teeth may come out.

I remember on my fifth birthday,

Ned took me to the circus.

Everybody else bought me lots of
expensive gifts and stuff,

but Ned is the only one who
ever took me anyplace.

Aw. That must have been fun.

No, I hated the circus.

It was dirty and sticky, and
there were smells.

But Ned made up for
it by buying me

lots of expensive
gifts and stuff.

Look, honey. Goosebumps.

Come on, Michael.

We have to start thinking about
a gift for cousin Ned.

Yeah. What do you give a
100-year-old millionaire?

I got it. How about a
spanking new son?

[ Chuckles ]

Dick, do you really think that
we should go to a party

for somebody that we
don't even know?

Hon-- honey, this is different.

This is a-- a chance to talk to
a part of history.

I mean, Ned may have seen, uh,

Babe Ruth while he was
still a pitcher

or he may have seen
Sarah Bernhardt act

or-- or Caruso sing.

Or had pie with Einstein.

Look-- look at him, honey.

He's 100 years old, and
he's so spry.

What exactly does "spry"
mean anyway?

You know, uh--

Like-- like that guy.

Oh, there you are, Loudons.

So have you met the
guest of honor yet?

Not-- not yet.

I'm-- I'm looking forward to--
to talking to him.

He-- he must have some-- some
fascinating stories.

Oh, you'll love cousin Ned.

One hundred years of age,

and he's still active
in his career.

That's amazing. What does he do?

He's a suer.

He sues people.

That's how he made his fortune?

Exactly.

He started with nothing more
than a sprained ankle

and sued his way right
up to the top.

He'll sue anybody, anywhere,
anytime.

Come, I'll introduce you.

Uh...

[ Clears throat ]

Is-- is he still active
in his career?

Don't worry, Loudon.

He won't go after you.
You're small potatoes.

Cousin Ned, this is Dick Loudon.

That-- that's, uh, Dick...

"Small Potatoes" Loudon.

Hi... I'm Mrs. Potatoes.

Well, if you'll excuse us, we
have some hosting

to attend to.

I-- I've really been
looking forward to--

to-- to meeting you.

I'm a-- I'm a hist--
history-- history buff.

And you...

you've lived through some-- some
interesting times.

Yes.

[ Clears throat ]

Uh-- uh, for instance,
what-- what was it like

growing up at the-- the
turn of the century?

It was okay.

How 'bout that.

Then-- then-- then-- there was
The-- the Depression.

Awful business.

Noth-- nothing like a
first-hand account.

[ Chuckles ]

Um, what...? [ Clears throat ]

What did-- what did you-- think
about Pearl Harbor?

Weren't you alive then?

Yes. Yes, I--

I-- I guess-- I guess I was.

Well, how did you feel about it?

I-- I was-- I was, uh...

pre-- pretty upset.

Me, too.

Maybe... maybe I'm asking
the wrong questions,

but I mean, you know, you--
you've lived 100 years.

There-- there must be--

there must be something you
can-- you can tell me.

Your wife has great hooters.

What did he say, honey?

He-- he said you're no
small potatoes.

Hi, Ned.

George Utley.

Did you ever have pie
with Einstein?

No.

But I did have pie in
The White House

with Hoover.

You did? Wow!

I wanna hear all about it.

What kind of pie?

Rhubarb.

I'll never forget it. It
was piping hot.

I took one bite and I said, "Mr.
President,

I just burned the
roof of my mouth.

You're going to hear
from my lawyers."

Wow... What kind of crust?

So, Steph, how, how do I look?

Like a million bucks.

Well, I'm gonna have to do a
lot better than that

for this room.

[ Chuckles ]

Boy...

once you get that guy going, you
just can't shut him up.

Stephanie!

Are you having fun?

Uh--huh. Cousin Ned, pick one.

[ Gasps ]

That's the one with
the kiss in it!

[ Chuckles ]

I never guessed wrong yet.

Cousin Ned, remember that
special someone

I told you I wanted you to meet?

Yes. Uh, where is he?

He's right here.

Oh.

I'm, uh-- I'm Michael Harris.

Steph's told me a lot about you.

[ Chuckles ]

So, uh, what kind of
advice would you give

a fresh-faced young kid

who's-- who's trying to get a
toehold in the sue game?

Oh, I say, Loudon, uh, maybe
you can help me out.

What-- what is it?

Uh, the delivery boy just
brought in the cake,

and I don't have anything on
me to tip him with.

I-- I hate to ask you,

but the rest of us
never carry cash.

Well, sure. I'll be-- I'll be
glad to help out.

Remember, I'm a millionaire.
Tip big.

How's-- how's 50?

That's very generous, Loudon.
Thank you.

I'll-- I'll get you later.

Fifty dollars?

Honey, the man's a millionaire.

All right, gather round.

Gather round, everybody.

We gather round for the singing

and the blowing out
the candles bit.

Happy Birthday to you Happy
Birthday to you

Happy Birthday, dear Ned
Happy Birthday to you

[ Applause ]

Oh!

[ Applause ]

Speech! Speech!

Ned.

Ned!

Ned?

Oh, my God.

Ned...

...is dead.

Well, that couldn't have
been his wish.

Excuse me. I'm from the
coroner's office.

I have some forms to
fill out here.

You know: name, age of
the deceased.

Well, we're not relatives.

Would you like me to get one?

No, no. That's-- that's okay.
I'll, uh...

just get the
information off the cake.

I really feel odd
about being here.

Honey, we-- we can't just
go to the party

and not stay for the funeral.

Hi. Hi, guys.

Bummer party.

Yeah. I hardly knew Ned.

I wish I could've met him a
few hours earlier.

You know, I-- I was, uh,
talking to him

just minutes before it happened.

What a way to go.

Stephanie.

We're all sorry
about cousin Ned.

Yeah, Steph, I practically
had to force down

that piece of cake.

Stephanie, we all
talked it over,

and we're going to stay for
the funeral tomorrow.

Then, how am I going
to get home?

Stephanie, aren't you
staying for the funeral?

No.

But-- but Ned was your
favorite relative.

That was before he died.

Stephanie,

what is the real reason you
don't wanna go?

Well,

doesn't a minister just come
out, talk about death,

and depress everybody?

Haven't you ever been
to a funeral?

Well, no.

Mommy and Daddy always
liked to shield me

from yucky things.

Funerals aren't so bad, Steph.

I, uh, I just concentrate on the
snacks afterwards.

Keep thinking, "Buffet, buffet,
buffet."

And after about, oh, 75 times,
you'll be there.

What if I cry in public?

Stephanie, this-- this
is a funeral.

Everybody... cries at a funeral.

That's... that's why they
were invented.

It's a-- It's a way for
people to release

their feelings so they can... so
they can feel better.

Stephanie, you'll be among
family and friends.

It can be very comforting.

But will I really feel
better if I go?

Millions of mourners...
can't be wrong.

Well...

I guess I would like to go
for cousin Ned.

Come on, Michael.

Boy, I hate it when
the Grim Reaper

steps on my cupcake.

[ Organ music ]

Thank you for coming.

This is a lovely chapel.

Well, when God comes to call,

we want Him to have a nice room.

Boy, if I could have my
funeral in here,

it'd be the best day of my life.

Uh, Loudon, I, um... I'm in
a bit of a jam.

You see, I have to
tip the minister

after the service, and, as
usual, I'm cash-poor.

I wonder, could you
spot me a C-Note?

Um...

How-- how about 20s?

I seem to be... fresh
out of C-Notes.

Thanks, Loudon. I'll
catch you later.

Stephanie, you came
to the funeral.

That was very good. Now,
run along.

Mommy, I'm staying.

A lifetime of shielding
down the drain.

So, Steph, how-- how are you?

This is the worst place
I've been with Ned

since the circus.

Steph-- Stephanie, you'll--
you'll be fine.

You're-- you're among
family and friends.

Family or friends?

Uh, do you have a "Had One
Interesting Conversation

With Him" section?

Right this way.

Miss Vanderkellen.

-Family or friend... -Buffet.

I mean-- I mean, friend.

Michael, how's Stephanie doing?

So far no mascara meltdown.

You know, Dick,

when you die, I'm gonna cry
at your funeral.

Well... well, thanks.

And when you die, George, I'll--
I'll cry at yours.

One of us is not gonna be able
to follow through on this.

Thank you all for gathering here

to pay your final
respects to cousin Ned.

Ned had a full life.

He lived a hundred years.

He was successful,

he was healthy,

except for that last minute,
of course,

but he died
peacefully in the midst

of an absolutely top-notch
birthday party.

And although it was his
greatest passion,

not once did he sue a
family member.

Instead, his patience
and kindness

made it possible for us to
settle out of court.

And now, Ned has passed on.

So finally, I'd like to
say just this:

These things happen. Thank you.

[ Coughing ]

Wow. That speech was 47
buffets long.

So far Stephanie seems to
be doing okay.

Uh-oh. Here comes the big gun.

Ned Vanderkellen... is dead.

What does this mean, to be dead?

To some of us it means the loss
of a dear friend...

[ Sobbing ]

...and to others the loss of a
beloved family member.

But just because... we
will never see him,

never greet him,

never hear him regale
us with those...

wonderful stories of Babe Ruth,

Charlie Chaplin,

and those colorful anecdotes
about The Depression,

that doesn't mean that
he won't live on

in our hearts and our memories.

We all have that special
memory of Ned, huh?

A moment where... he
touched our lives.

[ Sobs, sniffs ]

Hold on to that memory,

because Ned... is gone now.

[ Sobs ]

Good-bye, Ned.

Good-bye.

[ Sobs ]

See, I-- I told you
you'd feel better.

Gee, it seems kind of
cold-blooded

having the will reading right
after the funeral.

George, do you know what a
day's interest is

on a bazillion dollars?

Michael, is Stephanie okay?

She is, but no thanks to Dick.

Good advice on that
crying thing.

You'd probably tell the Titanic,
"Full speed ahead."

I only told her it was all right
to cry at a funeral.

Dick, don't repeat it!

Poor Steph, humiliating
herself like that.

I'm just glad the lid
was on Ned's urn,

so he didn't have to see it.

Would you please tell
Dick I would like

to go back to the inn now?

Steph, we can't leave. They're
about to read the will.

What is there's a "Must Be
Present to Inherit" clause?

I don't care. I wanna leave.

My family will have a much
harder time ignoring me

if I'm not here.

Stephanie, your family is not
gonna hold this against you.

Are you kidding?

They're probably too embarrassed

to even speak to me.

Well, I can't blame them.

How could I have done
such a stupid,

compassionate thing?

Stupid, stupid death.

Stephanie, it was perfectly
normal for you to cry.

In fact, the only Vanderkellens

that acted naturally at the
funeral this morning were...

were you and-- and Ned.

I was the only one in my
family who cried.

Stephanie, I-- I don't know if--
if you ever noticed, but...

your-- your family is a
little... different.

They are?

I'm-- I'm not saying they're
The Munsters, but...

They're-- they're not exactly
Ozzie and Harriet either.

Dick, are you saying
that I was right

and they were wrong?

Sort of.

Mommy, Daddy,

Dick said I was right to
cry at the funeral,

and that you're weird.

Cheap shot, Loudon.

That isn't exactly what I said.

I just told
Stephanie that she...

shouldn't feel guilty
about expressing...

Although, uh, the
expression of feelings...

sometimes can-- can make
some people...

Oh, honey. Look, what a
great painting.

Daddy...

It wasn't my fault that I cried.

I couldn't help it.
It all just...

Stephanie, if you're about
to say something

intensely personal and intimate,

please don't.

But, Daddy, Dick said crying at
a funeral is normal.

I disagree.

"Boo hoo hoo" is not a phrase

in the Vanderkellen vocabulary.

Well, then, I guess there must
be something wrong with me.

I guess I'm not up to being
a Vanderkellen.

Stephanie, don't say that.
You're taking this too hard.

Every family has
their black sheep.

Maybe Stephanie could be ours.

How about it, Arthur?

Well, I suppose I could
soundproof the east wing

for the occasional outburst.

Then, you understand? You
think it's okay?

I'll accept it, but I
can't understand it.

Oh.

Could everyone please
take a seat?

Come on, Dick. We should go.

Honey, no way.

If Arthur inherits cash,

I wanna be first in line to get
my tip money back.

Good afternoon.

"I, Ned Vanderkellen,

being of sound mind and body,

do hereby bequeath all of my
estate and fortune

to my favorite charity,

The Babe Ruth
Leagues of America.

Furthermore, if any of you
contest this will,

my lawyers will sue
your pants off."

[ Sobs ]

[ Continues sobbing ]

You see? You were wrong! My
family is normal!

[ Sobs ]

Don't go away. Newhart
will be right back.

Mommy...

Daddy, at least this
sad experience

has brought us a lot closer.

Well, good-bye, everybody.

Bye, Art.

Thanks-- thanks for having us.

Well, thank you for coming.

[ Clears throat ]

That was a... real nice--
real nice party.

Especially when...

when they delivered that cake.

I'm glad you liked it.

The-- uh,

the minister gave a-- a
great-- great sermon.

If they'd have-- they'd have
passed the basket,

I probably would have put
a C-Note in it.

No need to stretch out the
good-byes, Loudon.

I'm sure we'll see each
other again soon.

I have a delivery for Mister,
uh, Vanderkellen.

Come on, honey, let's try
and cut our losses.

Uh, just a minute, Loudon.
Just a minute.

Uh, you forget I owe
you 150 dollars.

Oh! Oh, that's right.

It-- It completely
slipped my mind.

[ Laughs ]

I called the bank and had them

rush over your cash.

Here it is.

Oh, it, uh-- uh, thanks.

And thank you, young man.

Uh, oh, young man, uh,
just a minute.

Oh, Loudon, uh...

Meow.