All language subtitles for Newhart S05E05

Michael!

Guess what?

The new Norma Kamali
line is out.

Aw, Steph, you know I hate it

when you guess
better than it is.

Guess again.

Henderson's is having
a mumu sale.

No. Better.

Yours truly has been chosen to
put together a major project.

The WPIV Five Year
Anniversary special.

Can you believe it?

It's a three-hour extravaganza,
filled with,

well, whatever I decide
to fill it with.

I get my own staff and
everything. Well?

How exciting.

What does this mean to me?

Well, it means we're both
happy for your guy.

Michael, every time you
say "project",

it means "Take a back seat,
Steph."

Untrue, unfair, Steph.

You know my life is a
two-seater, just you and me.

Oh, yeah.

The last project you worked on
forced me to go dateless

for longer than I had
since I was five.

I had to spend a lot of
time at the station.

They were trying to unionize.

Takes a lot of effort to squash
one of those things.

But this special is a different
animal altogether.

Then, this stupid lucky break
won't interfere with my fun?

Cross my heart, and my I
chip a front tooth.

Our relationship won't
suffer a smidge.

Now, what say you and
I celebrate?

Dick, I'm done.

Hi, Dick. What's with
the dimples?

I'm just, uh, glad to see that,
uh, Bev took my advice

and decided to do an
anniversary special.

You mean the extravaganza
was your idea?

Just entirely.

Oh, sounds like this guy owes
you a big thank you.

Dick, it's on my to-do list.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl, and
this is my other brother Darryl.

And this is our card.

Your-- your card.

We regret to announce we
had to discontinue

our popular enterprise
"Anything for a Buck".

Due to the ravages of inflation,

we had to go in an
entirely new direction.

An-- Anything for a Buck Ten.

We'd appreciate it if you'd
spread the word.

Try and stop me.

Could I get that back? We
only have the one.

Those buck tens haven't
started rolling in yet.

� Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream �

� Merrily, merrily, merr-- �

Michael, could, uh-- Could we
talk for a minute?

Aw, could you make it quick,
Dick?

I'm editing some golden moments

from The Mister Sing
With Me Hour.

There are so many.

I'm trying to find a segue from
"Row, Row, Row your Boat"

to "Michael, Row Your
Boat Ashore."

Sounds like you got a long
night ahead of you.

So, what's, uh-- what's up?

Michael, I just felt we should
discuss what my part

on the anniversary special
is going to be.

Oh, no problem, Dick.

You won't be in the special.

What?

Well, Dick, it's not that
we don't love you,

it's just that we have this
pesky time problem.

The special's only
three hours long.

Michael, we had some
brilliant Vermonts Today.

It's one of the
station's major shows.

Dick, no one knows that
better than I do.

It's just not visual enough.

Well, it's certainly not as
visual as a-- as a cartoon ball

bouncing over the words
"life is but a dream".

Exactly. I'm glad you
grasped it so quickly.

I'd love to talk more,

but JJ's on his way up here
with my new staff.

I've got assignments to give
out, you know, names to learn.

The whole anniversary
show was my idea.

Hold that thought, Dick. Staff
is starting to arrive.

The first introductions are
really important.

They set the tone for the
entire relationship.

Michael, meet Susan Polgar.

Hi, nice to meet you.

What, are you, my-- my
secretary, my runner?

My editor?

Yes.

You mean she's the whole staff?

If it helps, I have been
called a dynamo.

Michael, if you're through
learning names?

Please, Dick, I've already
suffered a major disappointment,

and I'm trying not to cry.

Michael, I'm gonna find some
Vermont Today clips

for the anniversary show.

Gee, I thought we
decided to stay away

from those static
talking head things.

Lunchtime.

JJ.

Well, gee, I don't know whether
to have you make coffee

or a low-level decision.

I am sorry that our meeting was
spoiled by me being it,

but just think that when this
show is a great success,

everyone will say,

"And he did it without a
decent staff."

That's true.

Hey, then, welcome aboard.

Thank you.

You know, I've seen some
of your shows,

and compared to a lot of
local television,

they're really impressive.

Really?

And-- and I'm not
just sucking up.

I mean, I thought that spin-off

you tried to do with Pearls'
Kitchen--

You mean Pearl's Pies?

Yeah.

I thought that was a
bit one-noted.

Wow. You're not a suck-up.

Not that that's something I
necessarily frown on.

Well, I hate to crack the whip,
but I'm, uh--

I'm in the midst of one hell of
a tough edit here.

� Gently down the stream �

� Merrily, merrily, merrily,
merrily �

� Life is but a-- �

� Michael, row your
boat ashore �

Well, what do you think?

Do you want me to be honest

or is this one of those times
I should suck up?

Stephanie, I know you're
mad at Michael

because this project is taking
up so much of his time,

and he's had to break
every date--

[ Plate slams ]

But people come here for
a rest vacation.

No one wants to spend it
cowering in a corner

because of an irate maid. Right,
George?

Yes. [ Tray slams ]

Uh-- uh, right.

All right. I'll try
to control it.

Why should my misery
prevent other people

from having the time
of their lives?

Attagirl.

I'm going to the kitchen now.
George, you're the room monitor.

Okay.

As long as I don't catch an
eraser in the back of the head.

Steph.

Michael, I wanna see
some groveling,

and I wanna see it now.

Cupcake, I'm sorry I've been
working so much.

I'm scum, I'm low-life,
I'm a snail trail.

That's it?

Michael, not only have I not
seen you all week,

but the one time I got through
to you on the phone,

you put me on hold.

Michael, I had a self-doubt.

Oh, Steph, I-- I'm the thing
that eats a snail's trail.

Don't be mad. I'm here now.

I-- I made a special effort
just to come see you.

Yes, but I can't help but notice
you're still standing.

Head.

Oh, Michael, I'm such a softie.

Ah, Michael.

You said you'd be
here an hour ago.

A special effort just to see me,
huh?

Any chance of a reprieve if I do
that head thing again?

You crossed your heart this
project wouldn't affect us,

and it has.

Cupcake, I'm sorry.

If you're gonna blame anyone,
blame Dick.

This whole anniversary
special was his idea.

Sorry to make you take a number,
Dick.

What-- What's up?

Michael, did you see the list of
Vermont Today clips

I put together?

I did, Dick.

It perfectly
illustrates my point

that the show is visual death.

Visual death?

Dick. Dick, Dick, Dick. Lower
those clenched dukes.

I think I've solved our problem.

We can shoot some new footage

and claim they were old
Vermont Today clips.

No one will know the difference

because not that many
people watch anyway.

Michael.

Dick, I'm glad you're smart,
but me first.

How's this for visuals? You in a
bolero shirt, limboing.

No.

All right, you're
thinking intellectual.

I can go with that.

You're interviewing a beekeeper
and the glass breaks.

You're swatting, you're
screaming, I'm excited.

I'm not mamboing under a stick,
I'm not working with insects,

and I'm not shooting
any new footage.

All right, all right, Dick.

I'll do what I can with
what we've got.

I'm gonna put you into the show
because you're my friend,

and I care about you.

You're pulling this incredible
star strip on me.

Hi. I believe you've
seen our card.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, I-- I thought I
asked you guys

not to come to the dining
room during meals.

It's kinda urgent.

Darryl here's so perturbed,

he's been up all night
counting sheep.

Took us an hour this morning to
find which meadow he was in.

[ Clears throat ]

What's-- What's-- what's wrong?

We have a bone to pick with him.

Good. Someone else, for once.

Why, what's the matter, guys?

It appears you've been
taking the taters

right out of our mouths.

Seems like I would
remember that.

Did you or did you not
help Billy Crenshaw

find his pet black snake?

Oh, yes.

Aha. You admit it.

Now, Darryl, in that
same time period,

how many jobs has Anything for a
Buck Ten racked up?

See?

One to zip.

It just don't seem fair,

you snatching a job that
we're eligible for,

especially a snake one.

That wasn't a job. I did that
as a favor for free.

Free? You didn't
charge anything?

No.

Looks like we have some
serious mulling to do.

I don't know how we're gonna
compete with those prices.

Not and still make a profit.

All right, it works.

It's great. You realize
what this means.

What's that?

We finished the first half.

We have, haven't we?

Shouldn't we be
celebrating or something?

Susan, these are the kinds of
moments we professionals

take in stride.

Half done, half done, half done!

[ Clears throat ]

Of course, when you work
all night, you--

you lose some of that
professionalism.

It's okay. You should get
excited more often.

You look real cute disheveled.

It's my new styling gel.

Lets you run the gamut from
blow-dry to messy

and still look groomed.

I have a way to celebrate.

Of course, it's not as
professional as yours, but--

Tadaa!

Peanut butter and
jelly sandwiches?

Whoa, you read my palate.

You made these all by yourself
just-- just for me?

Well, I-- I was sort of hoping I
could have just one.

Thank you.

[ Laughs ]

And you-- You cut
off the crusts.

Wait a minute. I-- I just gotta.
A toast.

Oh, Michael, please. No
more compliments.

Please, I hate that.

To Susan Polgar, one assistant
as good as a staff of five.

Really, Susan, you've
been amazing.

Oh, go on, Michael.

I just wanna say one more thing,
then I'll shut up.

I was planning to grab credit

for this whole
anniversary special,

but since you've worked so hard,

when I do, I'm gonna feel
a little guilty.

You know, I used to eat a ton
of these sandwiches,

watching television.

Now I'm eating one and
working in television.

I'm in a rut.

It's all I did when I was a kid,
was watch TV.

What was your favorite show?

When I was nine years old,

nothing could touch
Gilligan's Island.

You're kidding! I loved
those wacky castaways.

I won a neighborhood
contest once

for the best Skipper imitation.

Oh, do it.

Hey, little buddy.

[ Laughs ] Ah... It's great.

Oh, who do you think The
Professor liked best?

Mary Ann or Ginger?

Well, Ginger had all
those great gowns.

But I used to love when Mary Ann
would get on that bike

and make electricity.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, what was your
favorite series?

Well, I used to imagine I was
part of The Partridge Family,

and, uh, I had brothers and
sisters, and we all sang.

When they cancelled that show,
they--

They cancelled my family.

Oh, Michael, don't worry.

When you run a network, you
can bring 'em back.

I could, couldn't I?

Whoa, look at the time.

Do you realize we've been in
this room for 14 hours straight?

We should get home and
get some sleep.

Yeah. Good idea.

Oh, remember, we're half done.

See you tomorrow, Susan. Thanks
again for the sandwiches.

Oh, you're welcome. 'Night.

Good night.

Dick, Joanna, no one's dead!

I-- I don't know what-- I-- I
mean, uh, half the show.

Half-- Half done. Half done,
half done, half done.

She brought me peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches,

for goodness sake, I just--

We-- We talked. She
loves television.

I love television. So I
spilled my life.

She was nice to me, and
that threw me.

I mean, Joanna was probably nice
to you, and good Lord,

look at what's
happened to you two.

You're laying here all married.
Oh, no.

Wait a minute. Michael, it w--
It was just a kiss.

And a-- And a kiss is
just a kiss.

You love Stephanie. I do!

I do! Yes.

It was just the emotion-- of
the moment! Yes!

Just keep picturing Steph in
that pink sweater.

Yes! That's it. I feel better.

Steph in pink angora. Yeah.
Okay.

Steph in pink angora, Steph
in pink angora--

Told you we should've
bought a gun.

Michael.

Hey, Dick.

Just in case you need to
know the rules,

don't ever come in to my
bedroom again.

I'm sorry, Dick. I was
temporarily out of my head.

You know, I was tired,
something happened,

and I blew it all out
of proportion,

but I had a good night's sleep,

a swell shower, and I'm back
to my normal self.

Don't ever come in to my
bedroom again.

Thanks for your concern.
I'm fine, Dick.

Good morning, Susan.

Hi.

Wanna go steady?

I'm getting ahead of myself.
Excuse me.

Uh, I-- I-- I, uh, we-- The
swell shower! No problem.

Everything is fine. And then,
uh-- Hi.

Then boom! Fireworks!

My-- My heart's a puddle.
My soul's dancing.

Not fair. I don't-- I
don't want her.

I mean, I don't-- I want her, I
just don't "want her" want her.

Oh, damn. It's-- it's
just too fast.

I know. I-- I just-- I just
haven't seen Steph enough.

That's it!

I'll go by, I'll see that cute
little button nose,

and then I'll be all right.

Yeah. Okay.

I just hope that to God she's
wearing that pink sweater.

Uh, come-- come in.

Oh, hi, guys. What's going on?

Well, you're looking at three
weary casualties of a price war.

Your clever marketing
scheme has succeeded.

How can we compete when you've
undercut Anything for a Buck Ten

by a buck ten?

Oh, geez, sorry, guys.

We even devised our own
marketing scheme.

We tried to beat you to
the customers

by anticipating their needs even
before they knew what they were.

Oh, my God.

Yep, we started the morning

anticipating Miss Huffman would
need a home permanent.

Larry. You didn't.

It might've worked out if Darryl
hadn't anticipated her

needing a bikini wax as well.

Just so you boys know, I don't
need anything ever.

We couldn't'a helped her anyway.

To avoid prosecution, we made a
deal with Miss Huffman,

that we'd give up our
new strategy.

Of course, without that going
for us, we're screwed.

Another small business crushed

under the heel of a
well-meaning handyman.

Guys, wait.

I-- I didn't mean to crush
you under my heel.

I was just doing favors
for some friends.

Like today I picked up Miss
Vivian's groceries,

and then I fixed Mr.
Denham's ladder.

That's it?

You seem to be specializing
in the mundane.

I guess that snake job
was just a fluke.

Yeah.

And if I hear of a job

that sounds more suited for you
than me, I'll let you know.

Come to think of it, Miss
Vivian has rats.

Does she want them?

No.

Thanks for the tip.

Come on, Darryl. Let's
get our fifes.

And the sheet music
from Peer Gynt.

Stephanie!

Oh, thank God!

Ooh! Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just so glad to
see that sweater.

And you.

Michael, would you like a comb
and some time to yourself?

I had a few spare moments so I--
I dashed right over to see you.

Oh, what a nice albeit
tiny gesture.

I know you're still mad at me,
and you have every right to be.

I had no business ignoring you
and working so long.

It was-- It was wrong--
and dangerous--

and I'm never gonna do it again.
I'll-- I'll quit the project.

Really?

Really. Just forgive me, please?

Well, I don't know if I
can forgive you,

but I'll be less mad.

That's-- that's my muffin.

Mm-hm.

I've got an idea

since we haven't seen each
other in a while.

Let's, uh-- let's talk.

Talk?

Well, okay, if we don't do
it for very long.

So how-- How are you, Stephanie?
Really?

Still a bit grumpy,

but it's nothing that a dinner
and drive can't cure.

No, I mean, uh, how's your life?

Michael, I work as a
maid for people

who expect me to act
like a maid.

And?

And that's icky.

Look, I'm not much of a chatter.
You know that.

So why don't we do
something instead?

Like have fun?

Could-- could we, uh,
cuddle a little?

Sure.

Beard stubble.

Sorry.

Didn't you run the electric
razor on the way over?

Ah, the cigarette lighter
isn't working.

You have broken stuff
in your car?

Sorry.

Steph, do you like peanut
butter and jelly?

Ew!

Michael, I don't
understand this.

Why are we sitting here doing
this boring talking stuff?

But we never talk.

That's not true.

We discuss where to go for
dinner and how nice I look

and whether you look better
in navy or forest.

We talk tons. Now, let's go.

Steph, did you ever want The
Professor and Mary Ann

to get together?

Aren't they other people?

Steph, I'm afraid we have a
terrible problem.

Someone is very sick.

Worse.

I have something
stuck in my teeth.

No, it's-- it's a different
kind of problem. I--

I wanna date another woman.

Oh, that's an easy problem. No.
No, no.

Well, either I date her

or I keep making out with
her at the office.

Michael!

I'm sorry, Steph. I didn't
mean for it to happen.

My lips went, and I
just followed.

Michael!

I'm so sorry! I just like
her so darn much!

Well, stop!

I can't.

Michael!

It's very simple.

You-- you cannot date
someone else and me,

nor can you kiss
someone else and me.

You have to choose.

Her or--

Good-bye, Steph.