All language subtitles for Newhart S05E01

Well, that's all the
time we have.

Thank you, Professor Chatsworth,

for showing us your
insect collection.

I'm sure you'll find your
runaway scorpion, Cecil,

in no time flat.

And we'll see you next week
on Vermont Today.

-And we're clear. -Cecil! Cecil!

Hey, I found him.

He crawled onto a Danish
and got stuck.

So, Dick, what did you think
of today's show?

Thought it was fine until Cecil
decided to make his break.

Was it a good example of the
kind of show you like to do?

A kind of lasting impression

you'd like to leave
with the public?

-I guess so. -Good.

'Cause Vermont Today's
been cancelled.

Cancelled? Why? We have-- we
have a small audience,

but they're-- they're--
they're loyal.

Correction, Dick. Were loyal.

The competition won them over

with their Brady Bunch
Brady Brides Hour.

But don't worry.

This shoulder will always be
here for you to cry on.

-Michael. Telephone. -Excuse me,
Dick.

All right, ev-- everyone,
you want to--

you want to gather 'round?

I, um--

I have some sad news that I'd,
uh...

I'd like to-- to share with you.

Vermont Today, the--
the show you--

we've all worked so hard on,

uh, has-- has been cancelled.

We know that, Dick.

-You-- you do? -Everybody knows.

Well, I-- I just wanted--
wanted to thank you

for the fantastic job
you've done,

and, uh, let you
know that I've--

I've been touched by
your kindness,

your friendship, your loyalty--

Can we go now, Dick? We have to
set up for Pearl's Kitchen.

Your ha-- your ha--
your hard work--

Back, Dick. Now that you're over
your cancellation blues,

let's talk about your
brand-new show.

Well, what-- what new show?

Oh, didn't I tell you? It's
called On The Town,

a modern, '80s-type program.

Hip, fast-moving, pow--
pow-- powerful.

Well, it sounds hor--
hor-- horrible.

Well, don't worry, Dick.

It'll still be brainy
like Vermont Today.

Michael--

And you'll be able to move out
of the studio and on location.

Location?

Always wanted to do that.

Okay, Michael. I'd better, uh--
better tell the crew.

Uh, ev-- everyone, you wanna--
you wanna gather 'round?

[ Grumbling ] Again?

You trying to get us fired, too,
Dick?

A-- Apparently my announcement
was a little premature.

Uh, Michael tells me that we'll
all be working together

on a new and I think
even better show.

We know.

On The Town, right, Dick?

Right.

Well, that's-- that's all the
new information there is.

Right?

Except for who you're gonna get
to be your sexy new co-host.

Mi-- Michael, what's all
this about a co-host?

-Where'd you hear that?
-From the crew.

Oh. Then, it must be true.

But don't worry. You-- you
get to pick her.

-Is-- is that right? -Yeah,
right.

-Yeah. -Uh--huh.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my
brother Darryl,

and this is my other
brother Darryl.

And this is our new
quadroped acquaintance.

Ew.

I have never seen anything in
pink look so frightening.

What a great pig.

We was taking a bicycle tour
of local cesspools

when suddenly we saw
these two tiny eyes

staring out at us through
multiple layers of filth.

-That would be hard to resist.
-Yeah.

It just seemed to grunt,
"Take me. Take me."

What do you call it?

Well, that's a large portion of
the reason we're here.

We've decided on Miss Stephanie.

There is a God, and
He does punish.

Stephanie, they named the pig
after you as a compliment.

How are you, Miss Stephanie?

These are very pretty cloven
hooves you have.

Waddle on over here,
Miss Stephanie.

Let's see that
sproinky tail shake.

George!

Uh, I guess I have some
handyman stuff to do.

Hi.

What's with the pig?

Larry, Darryl and
Darryl have named

their new pig after Stephanie.

Works for me.

Everyone, you want to-- you
want to gather around?

I have a sort of sad
announcement to make.

After, uh, three years on
the air, uh...

Vermont Today has-- has
been cancelled.

We know, honey, and we're
all very sorry.

You-- you all knew?

Well, Michael called and told me
and I told George and Stephanie.

Well, how-- how did you know?

Anybody with an eye
for the Nielsens

could've seen it coming.

That Brady Bunch
Brady Brides Hour

was a masterstroke of
counterprogramming.

Well, it's time to slop
Miss Stephanie.

My recurring nightmare
has come true.

My name has been used
in a sentence

containing the word "slop".

Honey, Michael also mentioned
that your new show

would have a
permanent co-hostess.

Now, I made a deal with myself
that I would ask you once,

accept your answer, and that
would be the end of it.

No ifs ands or buts.

No.

We're so very, very happy you
joined us this evening.

Please come back and
visit with us again

real, real, real, real soon.
Right, Dickie?

Y-- yeah.

That's it. Nice audition, Buffy.

Oh, you really think so?

I may have put a few extra
words into the script.

I have kind of a tendency to
do that. [ Giggles ]

Yeah, I really, really,
really didn't notice.

You know, I really enjoyed doing
the weather on Channel 10,

but it would be so
incredibly neat

to get to do deeper stuff.
[ Giggles ]

Well, we'll let you know.

I mean, if I get this job,
it would make me

so amazingly fantastically
excited! [ Giggles ]

Well, that's-- that's
something I'd like to see.

Well, our next possible femme
sidekick is Liz Sable.

Hi.

First, let me say I refuse to
wear a bikini, halter top,

push-up accessories or any
article of clothing

that exposes my body for cheap,
titillating purposes.

Well, uh, you shouldn't have
to worry about that.

Our goal is to do a classy,
informative show about Vermont.

Sure.

Well, start any time.

What are you looking at?

Good evening, everyone, and
welcome to On The Town.

I'm Liz Sable.

And--

I'm Dick-- I'm Dick Loudon.

Ah, that-- that was very nice.

We'll let-- we'll let you know.

[ Sighs ] If I were a man,
you'd let me finish.

I don't know about you, Dick,
but I feel like checking to see

if I still have all
my equipment.

Next we have Nancy Preston.

Oh.

-Hi. -Hi.

Oh, I'm a big fan of
Vermont Today.

I'm sorry it was cancelled.

Well, thanks. That's
very nice of you.

Do you, uh, have
your copy handy?

Well, actually, I've
memorized my part.

-I hope that's okay. -Just this
once. [ Chuckles ]

-Start anytime. -Thank you.

Good afternoon, and welcome
to On The Town.

-I'm Nancy Preston. -And
I'm Dick Loudon.

We're gonna travel all over this
great state of ours

and see everything, starting
with how they tap trees

to get maple syrup.

-Take it away, Dick. -Wow.

Well, I-- I've
certainly heard enough.

Oh. Well, thank you.

I really do hope we get
to work together.

Maybe my Masters in
Vermont History

won't go to waste, after all.

Wow.

So, Dick, what do you, uh--
What do you think?

-There's no contest. -I
couldn't agree more.

So do you wanna be
the one to tell

the guy grinder she
didn't get the job?

Okiedoke, you can open them.

Gee, Mich-- Michael,
this is nice.

The station has high
hopes for this show.

No expense was spared.

-Great staircase. -Oh,
don't touch that!

Well, in order to get the set
looking this good,

we kinda had to ignore the
building codes.

It's perfectly safe. Just
remember one simple rule.

Never lean.

Well, I-- I think,
despite the danger,

this is gonna be a good show,

and I'm starting to get
excited about--

about working with a co-host.

Hi, Michael! Hi, Dickie!
[ Giggles ]

Oh, this set is so incredibly,
wonderfully neat, isn't it?

Yeah.

What's she doing here?

[ Laughs ]

[ Giggles ]

Good one, Dick.

You have to get used to this
loon. [ Laughs ]

No, she doesn't...
What's going on?

Dick, Dick, access
those brain cells.

You said it yourself:
no contest.

Host, meet your "co".

Oh, Dickie, it's gonna be so
amazingly terrific

working together. [ Giggles ]

Look, Buffy, would-- would you
excuse us for just a moment?

I-- I'm sure you can keep
yourself happy.

Don't lean.

How could you hire her?

Gee, Dick, I thought we agreed.

It's a little lousy of you to
flip-flop on me now.

I didn't flip-flop. I
never wanted her.

I wanted Nancy. She--
she was smart,

she was competent and-- and she
loved Vermont history.

Well, no offense, Dick,
but snore, snore.

Trust me, you and Buff
will be boffo.

[ Giggles ]

I hate her!

Well, try and have
fun with that.

She has to go.

Oh, hi, honey. How'd
it go today?

Just-- just great.

So is Nancy Preston as good a
co-hostess as you thought?

Well, uh, Michael didn't
exactly hire Nancy.

He hired somebody named, um,
Buffy Denver.

Buffy Denver?

You mean that terminally-happy
weather girl on Channel 10?

That, uh, sounds-- sounds a
little like her.

I hate her.

Oh, I do, too. She's
so superficial.

I, uh-- I-- I tried to fire her,
but I couldn't do it.

It'd be like stomping a smurf.

Hi.

You're lookin' at three usually
happy-go-lucky scamps

who've just hit bottom.

Something wrong?

We have bad news, Miss
Stephanie, you're missin'.

You mean the pig one.

We went out to her pen,
and she was gone.

The bolt was pulled and the
latch released.

Somebody let her out?

We doubt if she'd have
had the dexterity

to do something like
that on her own.

Who could have done
such a thing?

Hey. I know.

Maybe not.

Stephanie, over here.

Yeah.

You let that pig out of the pen,
didn't you?

I was just setting it free
so it could go back

to the forest or sea or
wherever they come from.

Stephanie, pigs don't live in
the forest or the sea.

Then, this one will
be the first.

Excuse me. I hate to break
up a family chat,

but we have some sow-seekin'
to do.

I'll just post this right here.

"Missing: Miss Stephanie,

farm-grown, tiny pin eyes,
approximately 300 pounds.

Will respond to her name or a
pat on the rump."

Larry, is this the only
poster you have?

Yep.

Oops, it ripped.

That's okay. We have a ton of
others slapped all over town.

Oh, my God!

Wait! Let's search for
her together!

You know, I'm really
excited about doing

my first live remote broadcast.

Yeah. Me, too, Dick.

I'd much rather lug around
this portable hernia

than sit on my duff in a nice,
comfortable control booth.

Oh, Dick, look who's here.

It's your history "Buff".

[ Laughs ]

[ Giggles ]

Oh, you, uh, you-- you made it.

Places, everyone.

Dick, before we go on, I
just wanna say that,

well, this is your kind of
environment and my first show,

so if you don't mind, I'll just
stay quietly in the background.

I-- I think your
instincts are very good.

Well, thank you.

And in three, two--

-Hi, I'm Dick Loudon-- -And
I'm Buffy Denver.

And we're coming to you live

from the Vermont
Museum of History.

This is one of my
favorite places,

and I'm thrilled to be
able to share

the reverence and
appreciation that I--

[ Giggles ]

I'm sorry. I always giggle in
museums, don't you?

Not-- not really.

[ Giggles ]

We're, uh-- we're
standing next to, uh,

one of the museum's most
prized possessions.

A letter dated 1778,

it's signed by Thomas Jefferson.

-The letter concerns-- -Oh,
let me see!

I once took a course in
handwriting analysis.

[ Gasps ] See the way he
loops his E's?

That means he was real
shy at parties.

What did he do for a living?

For, uh-- for a couple years,
he took a--

a crack at running the country.

That's right. He was president.

Well, it's, uh-- Let's
move over here.

This is an authentic general's
map of the Battle of Bennington,

where the brave colonists
fought the British.

Oh, I know where this is!

This area is known for
its high humidity.

Not only were those brave
soldiers battling the redcoats,

but they were also battling that
frizzy hair weather.

I-- I think-- I think now
would be a good time

to bring in the curator
of the museum,

Mr. Dennis Longfellow.

Hello, Dick. Buffy. [ Giggles ]

You want me to comment on that
frizzy hair thing?

No, no. That-- that's okay.

Um, tell us, Mr. Longfellow,
which exhibit is your favorite?

Well, that would have to be
right over here,

Ethan Allen's diary.

Ooh, this is personal.

Should we really be
looking at this?

I hate when people look at mine.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm sure, uh-- sure Ethan
Allen wouldn't mind.

[ Giggles ] Well, then, as long
as we're snooping,

does it mention in there
when he decided

to get into the
furniture business?

Buffy, why-- why don't we--

why don't we just let Mr.
Longfellow talk?

Well, uh, I'm-- I'm sorry. I was
just trying to help.

I always get hollered at
in museums, too.

Well, it's-- it's all right,
Buffy.

Did you have to come down on her
so hard, Mr. Loudon?

[ Sobs ]

She was only trying to breathe a
little life into this place.

[ Sobs ]

I'm, uh-- I'm sorry. I--

I wish half the people who
came into this museum

had her enthusiasm and--
and curiosity.

But you had to crush it,
didn't you?

-Well, I-- I-- -Go to hell, Mr.
Loudon!

[ Sobs ]

Buffy and I will be right back.

Hi, Dick. Gee, I ran out of
the museum so fast,

I didn't get a chance to
congratulate you

on your first On The Town.

Michael, it was a disaster.

Well, not totally.

The moment when the curator told
you to go to Hades town

had really power.

-Michael-- -Easy, Dick.

You were right, I was wrong.

You plus Buff equals

"Let's see what's on the
other channels."

But the important thing is
the station and I

still believe in On The Town.

Well, so do I.

But we need a fresh start
with new personnel.

Finally, Dick, total agreement.

And may I say this
guy's impressed

you're not taking your
canning personally.

You're firing me?

Well, you don't expect me to
fire Buffy, do you? [ Chuckles ]

Dick, the audience loves her,

and they're going to love
your replacement.

He's waiting right outside.

He didn't want there to be
any hard feelings.

Come on in, Biff.

Dick, meet Biff Randall.

Hi. You know, it's really super

to put makeup on in
natural light.

You-- you wear makeup when
you're not on camera?

Well, not as much.

Biff, show Dick your teeth.

I saw the show, and I
didn't think

you were as horrible as
everyone said.

I really mean that.

Thanks.

Why don't you wait outside,
Biffer.

Okay.

To be honest, he wasn't even
the best audition,

but who could resist On The Town
with Biff and Buff?

Good luck on your new show,
Michael.

And good luck on your new show.

What-- what new show?

Well, believe it or not,
the station

had some good response to you,
too,

but our research shows people
wanna see you in something

more intellectual.

You-- you mean something exactly
like Vermont Today.

Nail on the head, Dick.

We'll-- we'll hammer out
the details later.

Uh, I've gotta go. I promised
Biff an ice cream.

Oh. I have good news.

Vermont Today is
back on the air.

We know, honey.

No. No. You-- you-- you
couldn't know this one.

Biff wandered into the kitchen.

Hi. We bring glad
tidings in pork form.

Oh, boy. Miss Stephanie's back.

We just kept callin' and finally
she came home. Just like Lassie.

We have a bit of
disturbing news.

When we gave her a hello hug,
we noticed something

that we failed to closely
inspect earlier.

Miss Stephanie's a he.

What?

That's right, and as much as we
love the name "Miss Stephanie",

it could do irreparable damage
to the pig's sexual self-image.

But we've come up with a name
that is still fit

for such a noble hog.

Come on, it's wallowing time,
Dick.

Dick?

Works for me.

Meow.